


Delphinium

by JesterFesta



Category: Monsta X (Band), 걸어 | All in - Monsta X (Music Video)
Genre: A lot of comfort, Also Hyungwon has too many issues, Angst, Delphinium - Freeform, HyungHyuk - Freeform, I just want them to be happy, M/M, Minhyuk is smiling, Slow Burn, a lot of army related stuff happening here, all in, as in a LOT of angst, cameos like BTS Seventeen and many more, hyungwon is sad, mentions of drug usage, mentions of rape but only very briefly, well this is Delphinium what did you expect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-07 04:08:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 300,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13426485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JesterFesta/pseuds/JesterFesta
Summary: Hyungwon has lived a life of losses, hoping to just forget about them. Minhyuk does not remember his past, hoping to catch a glimpse of it one day. In the end, hoping means nothing because Fate hates them both.But it's not the end until you reach it.A story of affection where none was expected and the fight for Fate's approval.





	1. Necessity begets Ingenuity

**Author's Note:**

> This is the edited version of the story I have posted on Asianfanfics under the name of KirinJidai from May 2016 to October 2017. The full name is  
> Delphinium - But if I were to give it a name it would be yours  
> and I hope you will enjoy reading it here as well! There's only 34 story chapters here instead of 71 because I combined a lot of them while editing but yes, the plot is the same as on aff! I'm still thinking of adding one shots later but we'll see about that~
> 
> Jester out~

Two people stumbling through the world.

Two people dreaming, or not, as days go by.

It is not the end until you reach it.

But could this be theirs?

 

 

I've never been a very cheerful kid, I really wasn't. But wandering the streets without having anywhere to go made me feel like I didn't even know what being hopeless meant until then. It had been two whole weeks and to be honest, time had never felt this painful and long. Oh, no, wait. There was one time but let's not think of that. Yet.

“I've got too much to lose.”

I kept muttering those last words I had heard over and over again, still not completely able to grasp the situation. But my stomach definitely did, protesting loud enough for every inhabitant of whatever damn city this was to hear. When was the last time I had eaten? Two days ago? Just when I was about to look for some shop owner that could have had mercy and given me something for free I shook my head with a snort. There were none having mercy anymore. We were all hungry after all. The streets I passed by were empty without exception, the ground littered with cracks longer than my arm and tons of trash. _At least I'm surrounded by my own,_ I thought bitterly while licking my lips _. Thrown away and from then on restless._ I missed the sound of cars speeding past me, the feeling of sitting inside one of those vehicles while the wind got caught in my bleached hair. But who am I kidding, after six years of oppression almost every privately owned car had been destroyed or confiscated. The only way to feel the same was to go back. And I didn't want to go back. Didn't want to pay the price for a couple of happy seconds.

I overlooked a bigger paving block that was peeking out of its predetermined place and was sent to the ground after some tumbling, hissing in pain as I felt my knee scratch over the sharp stones. “You're some clumsy shit, really”, I breathed rolling onto my back to watch the gray and cloudy autumn sky without any intention of standing up soon. After two weeks of aimlessly wandering through cities and nearby villages, the little stones boring into my back were the only proof of the fact that I could still feel _anything_. That I was still alive.

“My, would you look at that?” A female voice attracted my attention after some time; whether it had been minutes or hours I couldn't tell anymore. I turned my head towards the blonde woman and the dark haired one next to her. “You look quite lost”, the blonde said with an unsure smile and I took a deep breath, licking my dry lips once more.

“There aren't many people coming here anymore”, the dark haired added with a nod and hunkered down in front of me. The two were the first people to talk to me since then but I couldn't find anything to say. What was I supposed to do anyway? My stomach took over the conversation and growled hungrily. “You must be hungry.”

I managed to raise an eyebrow at that statement and prepared myself for a dry comment, taking another breath. “How'd you tell?” My throat was burning, I needed water and something to eat. Oh and a place to sleep would be nice, of course.

“Even in that state he's being sassy”, the blonde chuckled quietly before reaching out with her hand to pull me up to my feet again. “Now don't be like that, we'll help you.”

“Who are you?”, I mumbled. “And why would you in the first place?”

The blonde kept smiling while carefully stroking my hair out of my face. “I'm Bora and that's Hyorin”, she replied as she took my hand to pull me further down the street. Her hair was falling over her shoulders in soft waves and I couldn't deny that her face was pretty, but hell, I was worried about where they'd take me. “I guess you ran away from home, right?” She took my lack of response as a yes and Hyorin showed up to my right.

“We're not much different from you but we _do_ know where to get food, don't worry!” Why were they helping me? Just because they thought I was 'the same' as them? _I've got too much to lose_ , his words echoed in my head again and I shook it to get rid of the voice. My feet tripped over themselves again and were barely keeping up with the two girls as I stumbled after them, but the thought of getting something to eat was enough to keep me going. 

“Say, little boy, what's your name?”, Bora asked cheerfully, but I bit my lip to keep myself from replying. _They are_ _too nice, I can't trust them._ They exchanged short glances before slowing down a bit and Hyorin took my free hand, oblivious to the way my body tensed up when she and Bora tightened their grasps. 

“You don't have to tell us, it's fine. Just cheer up, please. That frown doesn't suit you.” The tone of her voice made me feel like a boy that was being scolded by his sister and I stared at her big expectant eyes before slowly forcing the corners of my mouth to go up a few millimeters. It seemed enough for her, because she smiled back at me and we kept going while I dropped my mask again. I had been so good at this but it felt like I had lost all of my skills in just two weeks of...this. Only two minutes later, we reached an old subway entrance and I eyed the dark stairs skeptically. Were they even telling me the truth? They could murder me down there and nobody would notice.

Joke's on me, death would be a good option by now. Well, other than a certain someone at least _I_ didn't have anything to lose.

I drew another breath before following the two girls down the stairs and was surprised when there were actual dim lights showing me the way to a bigger underground plaza. Not even the streetlights on the outside could shine this brightly, whoever lived down there had to either be rich as fuck or a very good thief. A gasp escaped my lips when I spotted the other people. There were, like, fifteen boys and girls around my age sitting around a campfire-like thing, turning their heads with a start when they heard my shuffling steps.

“Ah, Bora!”, a boy shouted, waving them closer just when his eyes fell on me and his smile received a confused notion. “You brought someone new?”

Bora nodded, her blonde hair looking golden as it reflected the small flames. “Yup, we found him on our way back. Give him some food, he's completely exhausted.” Another boy stood up in a hurry to put something that looked like stew in a bowl and ran up to me.

“There you go, eat up as long as it's warm”, he said pulling me down to sit next to them at the fire before shoving the bowl into my trembling hands.

“Th-thanks”, I managed to utter with wide eyes when I saw how warmly they looked at me. Then the smell of stew finally reached my nose and I didn't hesitate a second longer, lunging at the warm food that ran down my throat with a burning sensation. If I get murdered I might as well have eaten well.

“Dude, you're really hungry. How long did you not eat?” The boy who had given me the food chuckled. “I'm Seungcheol by the way.”

“A-about two days. Maybe three, I don't know”, I stuttered while eating. The others chuckled quietly at the sight and I felt the tips of my ears run red for some reason. “Wh-what are you guys even doing here? Where do you get that food?” _Stop stuttering you're such an amateur._

Another rather smallish boy spoke up. “Well, we're probably in the same position as you-”

“We're mostly homeless”, the one next to him added, earning him a punch of the little one.

“However, we found each other. And about the food-”

“We're stealing what we can't afford, that's all there is to it. But we also work for it”, Seungcheol interrupted the boy again who clenched his fists.

“Yah, let me talk for once!”

“I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. What did you say?”, the one next to him asked innocently and again everybody laughed. Even I felt that tug on the corner of my mouth, not being able to believe that just ten minutes with some complete strangers could bring actual emotions back to my memory. Still I managed to conceal the smirk in a hurry. Sometimes memories must be kept for oneself.

After the group had calmed down again, I was introduced to everyone and my head was literally spinning with names. The boys went from Jeonghan to Mingyu and the girls, Bora and Hyorin aside, had names I couldn't even remember right after they had said them.

There were even more guys coming through one of the subway tunnels all of a sudden and I stopped in confusion. “Wait, where are these tunnels even leading to? There's no subway anymore, right?”, I asked carefully and Seungcheol replied that each of the old subway stations practically belonged to another gang. The boys I had been introduced to, including Seungcheol, were called Seventeen, the girls had decided on the name Sistar and the ones who had just come to join us wanted to be called BTS.

“It's like the different rooms of a hotel, I guess”, he said before smirking with a shrug, “though not as glamorous.” But it was enough for me. There was neither wind nor rain and it was more than I could ask for. Time passed by with me listening to their stories, and when my watch showed me that it was past midnight already, the crowd began to dissolve slowly. They bid their good-byes to each other, but Seungcheol just turned to look at me with a frown. “Wait, where are you sleeping?”

I breathed in, but when I opened my mouth I stopped for a second. I didn't know. “Well, uhm...”

“We don't have any blankets left”, the short boy named Woozi mumbled with an apologetic smile. “Unless you want to sleep under the same as Hansol and Chan that is.” My body stiffened and my breath quickened, but before I could say anything, one of the guys who had joined us later, Seokjin was his name, spoke up: “We have a few spare ones, I'm not going to sleep down here today anyway, he can have my bed for now.” I forced my heartbeat to slow down and looked at him in relief.

“Th-that would be really kind, thank you.” I got ready to follow them back to their station, but hesitated for a moment before turning to Seungcheol and Bora again who were standing next to each other, watching me leave. I grabbed both of their hands and looked them in the eyes. “Again, thank you. My...my name is Chae Hyungwon.”

Bora's breath got stuck in her throat and Seungcheol shot me an unsure glance as he took a slow breath. “You know we are not allowed to use-”

“I know. I just...want to remember who I am.” The two of them remained silent, but Bora nodded hesitantly as I let go of her hand before running back to the other seven members of BTS (which stands for bulletproof boy scouts. What a joke.)

“So, Hyungwon”, a guy called Namjoon started talking as he scanned me from head to toe. “You're a runaway?” I fumbled with my words for a few seconds, but then swallowed and replied with a weak 'kind of, yes' while following them through the dark tunnels.

“Me too! Let's get along well!”, another boy exclaimed extending his hand after jumping around for a few seconds. “Hi, I'm Jungkook, nice to meet you. How old are you?”

Again I hesitated as I took the boy's hand. “Twenty-one. Nice to meet y-”

“ _No way!_ ”, Jungkook shouted while his friend Hoseok laughed his ass off at the way the former grabbed his own hair in disbelief. Now wasn't he overreacting a bit? Twenty-one is not _that_ old, right?

“Looks like you have another big bro now, kiddo!”, he huffed, desperately trying to control his laughter while I shrugged apologetically.

“Sorry dude, you're still the youngest”, Namjoon said while patting his shoulder.

“If age was based on maturity I swear I'd be as old as Suga”, Jungkook growled while crossing his arms with a pout and I snorted, adding a quiet 'I doubt that' and earning myself an elbow in the side.

They kept bickering until we finally reached the station 15 minutes later. I could have collapsed on those blankets anytime, they looked just so comfortable. Thank god the other boys seemed to understand the look in my eyes and Seokjin took his leave along with two other boys. “Where are they going?”, I asked with a frown as I watched them walk up the stairs and Namjoon grabbed two of the blankets throwing them at me.

“We're not all runaways. We're just gangs; everybody can be a part of them, right?”

“O-oh, right...I guess.”

“Yah, no need to be so shy. Show your emotions a bit more, we don't bite. Well, most of the time that is”, the self-proclaimed grandpa Suga muttered, but I couldn't bring myself to smile at that statement. Everybody could talk like that, but to me, sticking to it proved to be more difficult.

“You're the one to talk, mister emotionally constipated”, Hoseok remarked and led me to an old mattress where I plopped down in a matter of seconds. “I bet you must be tired, so just sleep, you're safe here.”

I swallowed with a nod, burying myself under the blankets I had been given. It was so warm and comforting that I didn't even waste another thought on what might happen while I was asleep. They could have killed me or robbed me in my sleep, right? Well, I didn't care, I think I made that clear before.

_I've got too much to lose_ . I snorted, or maybe I just thought I did. He was no longer important.  _I hope you lose so much more._

 

I woke up to the sound of someone biting into something really crunchy, but decided to keep my eyes closed for the moment. This bed was so warm and cozy, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Still, when the crunching sound kept echoing from the walls, I opened my left eye to have a glimpse at what was happening around me finding Hoseok leaning against the wall while munching on some sort of chocolate-waffle-stick.

Let me correct myself: I wouldn't trade my bed for anything _but_ food. I rolled out of bed with a yawn, the blanket swung around my shoulders as I examined the subway station I had been sleeping at. Hoseok aside, there was no one else in sight and I frowned at the boy reading some book.

“Morning, Hyungwon”, he mumbled through a mouth full of sweet chocolate that looked like it was the most delicious thing in the world. If only I could get a bite of– _stop right there, you're getting evem hungrier._

“G-good morning!”, I said a bit louder than expected and my voice was thrown back at me by the tall walls causing me to flinch. “Where are the others?”, I continued quietly as I walked up to Hoseok and sat down to his right.

“Most are out for work. Kookie is probably going around stealing stuff he likes and Jimin is at school with Tae”, my opponent replied with a shrug, causing me to frown and it had to be written all over my face what I wanted to ask next, which is why he explained: “At some point we stopped trying to change our little one. The other two are two of the lucky boys who got neither abandoned nor conscripted during the last years. If Taehyung actually tried hard he could achieve many things but he doesn't, so he's stuck with us.”

“Oh. Okay”, was all I could bring myself to say, already lost in my own thoughts again. If they were so well off, why would they even be in this gang, they didn't gain anything here? I licked my lips and decided to distract myself by leaning over to have a closer look at the book Hoseok had been reading. It only took me a few moments to get what he was doing upon seeing the complicated stroke patterns I had drawn so many times before.

 _You're doing it wrong, idiot,_ that voice appeared in my head again, followed by a soft chuckle and I took a slow breath to get rid of the memory. “You're learning Chinese?”

Hoseok bit his lip with a nod. “Self-teaching. Jungkook brought it the other day and I feel like it might be helpful if all of this continues, you know?” Careful not to remind myself of the time I had learned the exact character the other boy had his finger on, I nodded. _Light._ “Say, how did you sleep this long?”

After a quick look at my watch, this question was quite legit. I had slept for thirteen hours straight. “To be honest, I haven't got the slightest idea.”

Hoseok stopped for a second, then started snickering, which soon turned into a laugh that filled the whole station and made my ears ring. Was it that funny? “Looks like Suga has a competitor, I can't believe it. His record is fifteen hours, but you'll pass that mark in no time, I guess.”

I opened my mouth to reply that I had never even been close to today's thirteen hours before, but that's when Jungkook and Namjoon came down the stairs, the former jumping up and down while the latter had has hands buried in his pockets.

“Rise and shine!”, Jungkook shouted with a grin and Hoseok put the book aside with a sigh before a blinding smile appeared on his face.

“Hi”, I muttered with a yawn. “You're quite cheerful.”

“Well, Minhyuk is coming today!”, Jungkook said in excitement, earning himself a slight smack on the head from Hoseok.

“You know you shouldn't be that excited. We see him, like, once a week. You're exaggerating.”

“I know, but he brings all that stuff!”, the youngest retorted while stretching his back.

I combed some kind of greasy strand of hair with my fingers. “What stuff?”

Namjoon waved it off. “He's always like that just wait and see for yourself, we're going to meet up with the others from yesterday again in the evening.” He didn't say anything else and I didn't know what to ask to get further information about it, so, after gratefully taking an improvised shower BTS had pieced together, I waited.

The three boys who had left the night before came around 3pm, bringing some bread and rice for us to eat and shortly after that, Suga returned too. How did I deserve to be treated this well; just one day ago I was on the brink of death and now look at me, munching rice with seven new acquaintances by my side. Still, I noticed that something was off about the boys: They were on edge.

Of course they were joking around and all, mostly making fun of Seokjin and Jungkook, but when Namjoon simply dropped his chopsticks once, his hands curled into fists and he took a deep rattling breath as if he had to calm himself down. It took a couple of seconds to collect himself before picking the wooden sticks up again. Suga went back to bed after some time, turning away from everybody and I glanced at Jimin who seemed to observe it too. “Why is everybody so tense?”

He flinched and swallowed before putting on a smile and looking anywhere but at me. “Ah, there are days like this, it's... Well, it's because they can't wait for...tonight?” His statement came out more as a question than a convincing answer and I bit my lip while trying to understand what was going on.

Thank god we already left at 7pm, the motion helped me distract myself from thinking about anything. It took me some time, but after about ten minutes I recognized the tunnel we were aiming for and could hear the voices of many people long before we reached the station.

“Hyungwon!”, someone screeched and I was sent to the ground by a huge weight throwing itself on me. As I was almost suffocating because of long golden hair, I figured it must be Bora.

“H-hi”, I breathed and she let go with a bright smile on her face.

“I'm glad to see you got a bit better!” She was so...loud. Had it been like that yesterday too?

I nodded hesitantly and stuttered a quiet affirmative reply before she allowed me to breathe again, taking my hand to lead me to the others. I tried to rid myself of her grasp but nothing worked and I let out a nervous breath. That's when I noticed how many of them were gathered. I mean, the boys alone were thirteen, but there were more, about thirty, people crowding around the fire this time. And again they felt the urge to introduce me to every single one. Minjae, Nahyun, Jinhoo, Kogyeol and many many more, you get the hang of it. Not that I was able to remember any of them, I was glad I recognized Seungcheol and Woozi after all.

“Sorry for the wait!”, someone's voice echoed from the high walls and the talking ceased almost immediately while everybody, including me, turned their heads towards the stairs. His hair had an interesting color. I mean, there were many blondes around, Namjoon, Bora, myself...but that guy's hair looked like snow. I wondered how damaged his hair was after bleaching it to this extent, it must have hurt a lot. The small bag he had swung over his shoulder was first given to Seungcheol, then Bora and Namjoon, each of them smiling at the content I couldn't see.

“Two thousand”, Namjoon said. _Yuan?_ I frowned at the way the white-haired guy's face remained expressionless.

“Three”, he retorted and Bora bit her lower lip before snorting.

“You never took three.”

“I say three”, he repeated and I could see it in the gangs' leaders' faces that they were calculating until the one named Jinhoo spoke up.

“Two three.”

But the newly arrived guy just sighed. “Two five. Last offer.”

They stared each other down and I could almost hear the air sizzling with tension – well, it might have been the cracking fire as well – when Jinhoo broke their eye contact all of a sudden. “Fine. Two five it is.” I watched as a smug grin made its way up the boy's face and he extended his hand only to receive a thick pile of bank notes a few moments later.

“It shall be yours.” With these words, it seemed like a spell was broken and everybody started talking again, shooting longing glances at the bag every now and then. Being practically devoured by curiosity, I made my way through the crowd to have a look at the 'stuff' as Jungkook had called it. I don't know what I expected, but I certainly didn't think it would be flowers.

Small, blueish flowers with long and thin stems. _Two five for a bunch of flowers?_

“Hey there.” I suppressed the urge to scream in surprise when a calm voice sounded right next to my ear and, only a couple of quick heartbeats later, I was pulled to the edge of the crowd. When I looked down at him, I could only see white at first. White hair, fair skin, white teeth. “I haven't seen you here before, are you new?”

It was the one who had brought the flowers, presumably that 'Minhyuk' the guys had been talking about before. He wasn't much shorter than me and his kind-of-black eyes were contrasting with his skin, piercing mine from under his fringe without faltering the slightest. “U-uhm, I...B-bora found me yesterday and I kind of...ended up here.”

He nodded slightly, his eyes still not leaving mine as he pursed his lips for a split second. “Fate must hate you then.”

“Excuse me?”

“Never mind.” But I heard it clearly. Was there something wrong with my new company? If yes, then why was he even here? _Fate must hate you then._ He finally looked away to spare Namjoon holding his bag a glance. “I'm Minhyuk. Though you've probably heard from them.”

Instead of replying with a simple 'yes' or introducing myself I just asked: “Who would pay two thousand and five hundred Yuan for flowers?” Minhyuk's expression froze for a second before the coal-black orbs were back on my face. If only he'd stop doing that I'd feel so much more comfortable. No wonder the other boy had given in earlier when negotiating the price.

“They haven't told you?” I could only shake my head as I tore my gaze away from his and looked over to Seungcheol and Bora who were currently beheading the dainty blue things and putting their blossoms into a metal basin over the fire.

It looked a lot like- “They are cooking them?”

Minhyuk chuckled at my dry comment, burying his hands in the gray hoodie's big pocket where he had put the money before. “No shit. Good observation, newbie.”

“They're drugs, right?”

The quiet hum he replied with caused me to become more aware of what gases I might be breathing in. Drugs. That explained BTS' behavior from before. They knew they'd be getting a dose of their favorite drug in the evening and their bodies and minds had been going mad with longing for whatever feeling those flowers triggered. I may be homeless, but I'm not dumb. How could they fall into this hole, didn't they know they'd get addicted?

“I know what you're thinking.” The white-haired boy to my left tilted his head to have a better look at me while his body was turned towards the crowd, “But it's their way of accepting their sins.”

 _Sins._ _Heavy word._ “Forgive and forget?”, I suggested with a raised eyebrow, but Minhyuk clicked his tongue and shook his head.

“Scratch the forgiving part. It's the sad truth: nobody will forgive you just because you cook flowers. They just help you forget.” His eyes narrowed when a gray and blue colored veil of smoke began to circulate above their heads. “You can't even try to forgive _yourself_ for doing something you don't remember after all, right?”

I saw the way he took a deep breath without being able to tear his gaze away from the basin on the fire. “If you know about that so well, why do  _you_ take them?”

“How-” The drug dealer stopped and opened and closed his mouth a few times, probably because I had caught him off-guard. He then settled with giving me a dry chuckle. “Sharp eyes. I'm just not seeking forgiveness. What about you?” He faced me with his whole body again, curiosity in his eyes. “Why are you here?”

_I've got too much to lose._

_What did we ever do to you?_

_Then go._

_Such a shame._

_Nothing but a monster._

Shivers ran down my spine, making me feel cold even though there was a fire and a crowd of thirty people less than five meters away from me. “Maybe because fate hated me so much, it wanted to torture me for a bit longer.”

Minhyuk's smirk widened into a smile when he heard me pick up his own statement. “Fate is some moody little thing.” I know he was just reacting to what I was telling him, but something about that guy didn't match up. He was so cheerful on the outside, his gaze cold and calculating and his statements were more mysterious than the cheshire cat's. “I like the way you talk”, he uttered with another glance at the basin.

“I wish I could give that back.”

“Now that was just plain rude.”

“Poor dealer.”

“Rude.”

A longer silence spread and I looked at him to find him sulking like a little kid, arms crossed in front of his chest as he stared off into space. A quiet snort escaped my lips and I shook my head with a _tiny_ smirk just when Seungcheol came up to me. “Hey, Hyungwon, you want some too?”, he asked brightly, but I raised my hand to decline.

“I'll pass, thanks.” Examining his face I noticed that his pupils were slightly dilated, but that was all. I had to wave the offer off two more times until Seungcheol gave up and walked up to a few friends of his.

“He takes it well. His body doesn't react that much to it, but he's addicted anyway. It's almost a shame he even started”, Minhyuk spoke up again. “Why did you decline?”

Did I have to ask for more detail every time? “What do you mean by ' _he_ takes it well'? Some don't?”, I wondered with a raised brow, but Minhyuk just bit his lower lip and sat down on a nearby sofa made of old wooden planks and blankets. Should I join him? Or was it better to just stay as far away from that drug dealer as I could? I mean, drugs are the one thing I never wanted to get in contact with and- I interrupted my own train of thought to take a look around the subway station that slowly filled with laughter, screams and singing.  _It's a bit too late to go back now, Hyungwon, isn't it._ “You're not going to answer me?”, I asked Minhyuk as I leaned against the wall to his left, but he just shrugged.

“I asked you first and I'll ask again: Why did you decline?”

The scenes flashed in my mind again, all in fast forward. Why did I refuse to accept the bowl? The memories hurt, didn't they?  _It's their way of accepting their sins._ “I don't think of what I've done as a sin.”  _At least I'm good at not letting what others say get to me._

Minhyuk let out a short whistle before he was interrupted by a yawn. “I think I know why fate hates you.” I cocked my head to the side with a questioning gaze while my opponent stretched with a silent groan. “Fate only favors those who are not willing to fight. The weak.” Was that a compliment just now? The corners of my mouth jerked upwards, only for a split second, but Minhyuk's eyes widened in surprise. “Now would you look at that. The newbie only smiles when being complimented.”

I licked my lips and averted my gaze to prevent him from changing the topic. “What about you? Does fate like you?”

The white-haired boy made a gesture at all the people surrounding us. “What do you think?”

Another moment passed and I took a few deep breaths, smelling the sweet aroma coming from the flower petals and feeling how it got stuck in my head. “I think you can't ever tell for sure. Fate is moody after all. Maybe tomorrow everything will get better.”

Minhyuk stayed silent before breaking out into a laugh that echoed from the walls, almost managing to make me smile again, but I controlled myself. “You can't imagine what an interesting human being you are, newbie.”

“It's Chae Hyungwon.”

The glint in my opponent's eyes made me uncomfortable and the way he pronounced my name sent shivers down my spine again. “Chae Hyungwon. Sounds good”, he mumbled absentmindedly before standing up and ridding his pants of imaginary dust. “Well then, I'd better get going. See you next week?” I hummed. Where should I go to anyway? I watched as he nodded at me and then at Namjoon who was passing by before making for the stairs. “Chae Hyungwon?” I cocked my ears when he turned his head to look at me once more.

“Make sure fate keeps hating you. It's more fun that way.”

Without me doing anything, I felt my chest raise and lower quickly and it took me a moment to realize that I was actually chuckling. Amazing. “I'll try.” He probably couldn't hear me anymore since he was already out of my field of vision but I repeated my statement again. Just for myself. “I'll try.”

 

________________

 

 

“I wonder for how much longer they will be able to afford it if you keep raising the price like that”, Jooheon muttered, one leg over the chair's armrest as he let his head hang over the other one.

“Who cares as long as they pay”, Wonho retorted before stuffing a lollipop into his mouth though that didn't keep him from talking. “I mean, you started at a thousand and three hundred. Two five after one year is good.”

Changkyun snorted, mumbling something like “look, the banker is talking”, causing the older to raise his hands in defense.

“Just saying.”

I sighed, plopping down next to Wonho and resting my head on his lap. “I don't know if I should actually feel good about that.” I didn't even have to look to know that Jooheon rolled his eyes. “I know, it was their choice and it's a bit too late to be thinking it over, but I can't help it, okay?”

Wonho shifted a bit to bring my head into a more comfortable position before absentmindedly rearranging the strands of my fringe while twisting the candy with his other hand. “Just because they are all younger doesn't mean they can't take responsibility. Look at Changkyun.” I glanced over at our youngest who was about to trip over one of the deck boards, almost going flying and I raised an eyebrow at the blond. “Okay, bad example, I take it back.”

Jooheon tilted his head a bit to have a better look at me. “But they have those girls from Sistar looking out for them, don't they?”

“Bora is just as bad as Wonho, Seungcheol is doing most of the stuff”, I replied languidly but Wonho couldn't help but smile at what was meant as an insult.

“Ah, Bora. That was a great week. Have you ever-”

“Not in front of the kids.”

Changkyun's ranting about how he was an adult too could be heard from what we called our kitchen but nobody cared to give him a reply. “However, when Bora and I-”

“I don't _want_ to know what you have done together either, so fuck off”, I snapped and silenced him with my hand when he was about to start again, almost choking him with his own lollipop.

“You should give up. You know how much Minhyuk hates it when you talk about, you know, that”, Jooheon advised the older one and I underlined his statement with a snort of mine.

“I could make him love it and he knows it.” Again I could only snort. “Back when I was with that heiress, what was her name? Mina? Well, that girl loved it when-urgh.” How much candy would I have to shove down his throat until that smug grin vanished from his face?

Wonho coughed with wide eyes, but I didn't budge, thinking back to the scene from an hour ago. That new guy had been weird but not in a bad way. Weird in the sense of different from the others. He still had his own opinions and views on things. He was a bit wary and didn't spill his heart's content whenever he had a chance to. He still had hope. But if he had hope, why was he with the gangs who didn't? “Chae Hyungwon.” If there was something that had happened to him, something that had caused him to lose ground, he would start with the Delphinium too. I could just hope that he wouldn't, I enjoyed talking to him too much to have him drown in drugs.

“What did you say?”, Jooheon asked with a frown. “Wonho was busy muting your talking by choking.”

“Well _excuse me_ ”, said guy retorted in pretended anger, throwing one of his shoes at the laughing young man on the armchair but I shook my head.

“Nothing important. I was just spacing out.”

 

________________

 

“And you think you can do that?”, the old man asked me and I was quick to nod in reply.

“Of course, I won't disappoint you, sir.”

The man examined me for a while longer before nodding and patting me on the shoulder. “I'll be at the back in case you need help, okay?” Again I assured him that I'd be fine and he finally left me alone in the front. You're probably wondering what I was doing here and where that 'here' even is.

 

“ _Hyungwon?” I raised my head to find Namjoon looking at me and raised an eyebrow._

_The morning after I had met Minhyuk for the first time – the morning after the drug party – was confusing. The members of BTS had returned to their normal selves, that is the ones I got to know first, and it was as if nothing had ever happened. I didn't know how to cope with the situation, but later figured that as long as I didn't ask about it, nobody would bring it up. “Did you ever work before you got here?”_

_I sighed, scratching the back of my head. “Well, I_ did _work at a kiosk a few months ago, but other than that, what can you do without having finished school?”_

_Namjoon shrugged. “It's not like many Koreans our age stayed in school, they were mostly sent to work on the plantations or serve for the army anyway. Our two students are rare cases.”_

_A short silence spread, but before I could bring myself to reply, Namjoon spoke up again. “I just remembered that there was someone looking for help at his convenience store, Jimin told me the other day. You should go and grab that job as long as the guys from Seventeen don't know about it.”_

“ _Oh, o-okay”, I replied with a few blinks._ Right, I can't keep sitting around here all day doing nothing. _“Where is that store?”_

 

So, two days later, I was standing in said convenience store, just about to start my first day of work. Namjoon was right, the owner didn't give a damn about my education, he was just glad I didn't need much and the soldiers hadn't taken a young person like me already. Oh, how lucky I was. It took me less than twenty minutes to get why there had been a job offer for this: It was boring as fuck and my employer was desperate for someone doing that shit for him. Pardon my language, I'm just trying to fit in like I'm used to.

I walked through the shop, taking in the names of all the foods, some of which I had only heard about until then, and even started memorizing their prices. The days would be long from now on, but at least I would be able to make some money. My gaze fell on a bunch of newspapers that were presented in a small stack at the counter and took one out to have a look at the headlines.

Xiú Yan-lin to get MARRIED in just a few weeks!

Weekly Hànzi: Talking about your workplace

My eyes were moving lazily until they reached the very bottom of the front page, where they got stuck on a topic that was so small I'd have missed it if I wasn't so bored.

Seoul riot resolved

“They tried to start a rebellion again? Isn't it better to let possible allies know beforehand?”, I muttered under my breath, reading the few lines they had written about it.

On the 27th of October, the riot that emerged a week ago was put to an end by the Chinese military. The movement's leader, Kwangsu, met up with Feng Liú-huá, minister for internal military affairs. In an interview, Feng said that Kwangsu had realized his mistakes and is willing to accept whatever punishment awaits him to-

“Bullshit”, growled I, smashing the gray paper onto the counter. There was no picture of him, but I bet the Kwangsu they were referring to was the former Seoul police chef, Lee Kwangsu, who was known for his strong sense of justice and the rebellion he had started when the Chinese army marched through the gates of the main city. Had it already been six years? Man, time flies.

In just six years of being oppressed by the biggest country in the world, Korea was transformed into a society that mostly consisted of soldiers and farmers, nothing more than a Chinese colony. Two years ago they put a ban on Korean surnames, they wanted us to lose the connection to our ancestors and it was just a matter of time until they would give us “proper” Chinese names. But just like when I had introduced myself to Bora and Minhyuk, I made sure everybody knew I was still holding on to my full name. My name is who I am and I won't let them take that. It's all I have.

And just like this time, our oh so glorious oppressors would present themselves as if they were the all-knowing rulers disciplining their dumb peasants. Everybody who actually knew about _the_ Lee Kwangsu would never believe that he “had realized his mistakes”, it just wasn't like him to do that. It was only a matter of time until Koreans and Americans joined hands to fight back and I prayed every time I went to bed that I'd wake up the next day to find that the last six years were nothing but a really bad nightmare.

I spent a lot of time on thinking about the way we were exploited by the Chinese, but there also were a few customers that came by and before I knew it my first shift came to an end.

When I got back to the subway station, Jungkook and Suga were already asleep, none of the others in sight, and I decided to just bury myself in blankets. With Jungkook's constant breathing half a meter away from me I calmed down, eventually falling asleep before the others came back.

 

“ _Run, they're after you.” I was panting as I made sure to round as many corners as I could. “Run faster”, the familiar voice said again. “You know, they're catching up and you should really-”_

“ _Shut up!”, I shouted, clutching at my head when suddenly, I ran into someone only to be slammed against the brick wall to my right a moment later._

“ _Hyungwon.”_ No. _My eyes widened as I looked at his disappointed expression. “Look at what you've done.”_

“ _Let me go!”, I shouted, but the grasp on my wrists only got tighter._

“ _I didn't raise you to be like that”, another male voice uttered and when I looked at my captor again, I found the face of my father right in front of mine._

“ _Dad, if you'd just take a moment to think about-”_

“ _You useless little piece of_ shit _!” He hauled off and just when his fist was about to hit my jaw I ripped my eyes open, being greeted with nothing but soothing, calm darkness._

 

My panting ceased after a minute or so, leaving me more exhausted than before I fell asleep. I thought the nightmares might end now that I have something else to think about, but I was wrong. I was so wrong.

“Why?”, was all I could mutter under my breath while stroking some blond strands of hair out of my face. His laughing face came back to my mind and I clenched my hands to fists, pressing them against my closed eyes. “Why won't you stop haunting me?” The memory just kept laughing – probably at me – and I let out a sound of frustration as I pressed my head into the pillow, falling back into that nightmare I'd have called a perfect life only two and a half weeks ago.

 

And that's how the next couple of days passed. Waking up from a nightmare that seemed to be worse and even more real than the one I had the night before. Then I would go to work, get back, eat and sleep after meeting up with the boys from Seventeen once.

On Monday, the door gave me a signal that someone had come to the shop while I was reading in one of the newly delivered newspapers, keeping me up to date with what was happening outside my regulated everyday life.

“Good afternoon”, I greeted, putting down the huge paper when I heard a constant clicking noise to see a guy around my age, maybe a year younger, bowing his head. His hands were resting on a pair of crutches and I suppressed the urge to open my mouth. It's not polite to ask about that kind of stuff, maybe it had been a traumatic event.

“Hello.” His voice was calm as he gave me a shy and slightly chubby-cheeked smile before walking around the shop with one of the baskets from the front. I got back to reading the news, because I wanted to finish before my shift came to an end in ten minutes, but after some time, I couldn't hear the clicking of the guy's crutches anymore and walked up to where he was standing, unable to reach some can of soup from the upper cupboards.

“Can I help you?”, I asked politely, reaching for said can and offering it to him. He sighed with a nod and put the can into his basket when another customer entered the shop, causing me to crane my neck to see who it was. “Jungkook?”

“O-oh, Hyungwon?”, the boy answered and I glanced at the guy to my left, excusing myself for a second to walk up to my young friend.

My frown deepened when I saw the way Jungkook's fists were clenched. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing!”, he replied just a little bit too quick to make me believe him. I snorted, forcing his hands open, palms facing up, to reveal a bunch of candy.

“You're not going to steal from my workplace, Kookie. Seriously, I could lose my job.”

“I wasn't going to steal them! I was just-”

“Borrowing them with no intention of giving them back?”, I interrupted him calmly, taking the candy to put it back where it belonged. “Go. I won't tell anyone, just don't steal from here, okay? It would be best if you didn't do it at all.” His wide eyes stared at my cold ones for another two seconds before faltering and he kicked the ground with a hiss.

“Make me. See you later”, was all I got before he turned and ran off to get his candy from some other shop. I'd have to talk to him about this if he kept stealing to make a living.

“I don't think you can blame him”, a calm voice sounded from behind me and I glanced over my shoulder to find the guy from before shrugging once.

“Ah, sorry about that, he is a friend of mine and-”

“Don't apologize”, the guy interrupted me with a raise of his left crutch. “Like I said, you can't blame him.” He eyed his basket with a smile. “I'll buy all of this, please.”

I was quick to take it from him to check what was inside, counting the prices together before I even reached my counter. “Alright, that would be one hundred and twenty Yuan.” When I saw the way he was struggling with his purse for a second, I bit my lip. “I'll help you carry the stuff home, my shift ends in five minutes if you could wait until then”, I suggested, but the man frowned at me with his lips forming a pout.

“I'm not some grandpa, you know?” I licked my lips and lowered my gaze, ready to apologize, but the guy chuckled before I could do anything. “But I am _lazy_. If you could help me that would be great.” His eyes had an amused glint to them and I sighed, offering him the hint of a smile when I packed his stuff that mostly consisted of food in cans into two plastic bags. Being a good employee I actually waited until the last five minutes were up to say good-bye to my boss who would close the shop for the day and then left to find the guy with his plastic bags waiting at the door.

“I'm Kihyun”, he introduced himself and I nodded.

“Chae Hyungwon. Now, where do we go?” It didn't go by unnoticed that he didn't react to me using my last name and I furrowed my eyebrows. First Minhyuk, now this guy. Why were they not scared when I used my last name, everybody else was. I put it off, thinking he might just not have heard me say it at all and walked by his side with both bags in my left hand.

“It's a few roads down from here, we have to turn left over there”, Kihyun replied and I followed his gaze to plan my way back, mapping the streets in my mind with another nod. We walked in silence for a short while until he spoke up again. “You don't talk much, do you? How old are you? I'm twenty-one years old.”

“Twenty-two, turning twenty-three soon. Yeah, I don't have much to say.”

Kihyun snorted and I was surprised at what pace he was going with his crutches. I swear he would have been able to bring those bags home on his own, why was I being friendly again? “Bullshit, we always have _too_ much to say. You just choose to keep your stuff for yourself, am I right?”

My reply got stuck in my throat at the way he talked to me. I was the older one, did I hear that curse right? Not that I cared, but why was he being so informal? “U-uh...maybe?”

“You're no fun, Wonho always has something he wants to talk about”, Kihyun uttered and I took a controlled breath while switching the bags to my right hand.

“He must be a very open person then. My friend called me emotionally constipated a few days ago.” I sighed with a smirk as I thought of Suga's comment, but concealed it in a hurry. “I'd rather stay in the shadows than the spotlight, I hate attention.”

“And Wonho is around your age too, loving the attention he gets. How different people can be”, Kihyun answered to that statement and I gave him some affirmative hum as we rounded another corner before being wrapped in silence once more. It took me a minute and a few swallows before I could muster up the courage to ask him if he was living with his parents or someone else, but since he noticed my uncertainty he only chuckled at first. “Well, I'm not living with my parents, I don't even know them.”

I gasped and bit my lip. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-”

“You're apologizing a lot, you know? Don't worry, I've been living with some friends for a few years now. I often think that they are a lot better than actual parents, because we chose to stay together without being tied to one another by blood.”

The way his eyes sparkled when he talked about them made a genuine smile appear on my face. “That's good to hear, really.” Kihyun nodded with a smile, but stopped when he looked ahead.

“Oh, Changkyun-ah!”, he shouted while waving at someone walking in front of us with his crutch and I raised an eyebrow. “He's one of the friends I'm living with, our youngest. He can be moody, but I bet he loves us more than his own sist-”

“Don't get ahead of yourself!”, the guy Kihyun had waved closer shouted with a snort, but the smile he gave his friend showed that he might actually be right. The newly arrived named Changkyun then turned to me, glancing at the grocery bags before chuckling. “You got someone to carry the stuff for you? Man, I sometimes wish I had crutches as well.” His eyes met mine when he moved to take the bags away from me. “Sorry for that, he's a lazy ass, I'll do the rest, thanks.”

He was cursing too, had they never heard about respecting their elders? _God, I sound like grandpa Suga._ “It's alright, I offered it in the first place”, I replied with a bow of my head just when Kihyun patted my calf with his crutch.

“Yeah, thanks. It was nice meeting you, Hyungwon, maybe we see each other again soon. You never know.”

I nodded burying my now free hands in my pockets. “Sure. Get home safely, I'll see you around, bye.” Thus, I turned around to walk back to the store, leaving Kihyun, who was being scolded by Changkyun right away, on his own and watched as the sun lingered right above the horizon for a moment. We were about to hit November, it was getting dark very early. _How different people can be_ , I repeated Kihyun's words with a chuckle. He behaved as if he had seen all there is to the world, like an old man sharing his stories even though he was actually a year younger than me.

It was strange, but encounters like these filled me with a warmth that would give me hope. _Maybe our people isn't completely lost yet. We just have to deal with what we have now and wait for a better day to come. Because once we get a chance, we will fight back, no matter what._

I grinned at the sun with narrowed eyes, almost tempted to laugh out loud at the change of thinking a stranger could cause within minutes of talking to me.  _I've got too much to lose._ It's weird how different you could see that statement.  _Damn right. You had better sleep with one eye open._

 

 


	2. Fate does not take a day off

Before I knew it, it was Wednesday.

And you know what Wednesday is? It's the day BTS was waiting for every week: Minhyuk would come by in the evening.

I had made up my mind during my hour long shift at the convenience store the day before and I was almost sure about it now: I'd ask for a dose of those flowers. I know, I know, don't go back to have a look at what I said about that before, I'll quote it for you: “I don't think of what I've done as a sin”, right? I still don't. But if there's any way to stop those damn nightmares from haunting me every night, I'll take it. Minhyuk said everybody takes the drug to forget. Wasn't that what I wanted to do? Forget? I had the right to try, didn't I? But what if it didn't help much and I got addicted nonetheless, like Seungcheol? What if I ' _didn't take it as well as him_ ' as Minhyuk described it the other day?

There were so many different outcomes for what I wanted to try in the evening that I was beginning to feel more and more anxious about this whole thing. To find out more about the possibilities, I settled with observing BTS to distract myself a little.

Namjoon got furious at the tiniest issues.

Suga became more grumpy and even lazier than he already was.

Seokjin and Jimin would pretend not to care, but their gazes were restless, not knowing what to look at while they were waiting.

Taehyung was zoning out, staring at a wall and Hoseok and Jungkook couldn't stop jumping around, getting on everybody's nerves.

It seemed to take them forever to get going and time passed so slowly that I was beginning to wonder if I had become addicted to going to the Wednesday meet-ups without having taken anything. Not to mention that I had only been there once and still couldn't bring myself to completely trust the people I was surrounded with. It was somewhat unsettling.

After half an eternity, when we finally reached our destination, I could spot a certain white head of hair right away. _He's here already._ I took another deep breath as we walked up to the fire in silence and Woozi turned to wave at me. “He went down with the price, he only took two thousand Yuan this time!”, he exclaimed, unable to stop a wide smile from breaking out on his face. I didn't miss out on the fact that his pupils were just slightly larger than they should have been.

“Oh, that's good, isn't it?” My opponent nodded, but I was pulled away from him before I could add anything else, a cold hand wrapping around my wrist.

“So, Chae Hyungwon came back again.” I didn't have to look at him to know that it was Minhyuk and searched for the bowl of cooked flowers instead. The hand tugged at my arm once more. “You're not even going to look at me? I should start calling you Chae Hyungrude.”

I raised an eyebrow and allowed myself to glance at the bright boy next to me. “You're really using my full name?”

“Well, you told me about it, didn't you?”

“I know, but, well, they forbade the use of surnames a while ago and-”

“Yet you told me yours last week. If you want to stick with yours so bad I don't care, I move on. But if you did it in order to get to know about mine, I'm a Lee. Lee Minhyuk.” I licked my lips, not knowing how to react to that statement of his, because he behaved as if there was nothing to surnames. As if they were neither a link to our past nor something hideous to our current rulers. All I could do was nod in pretended comprehension. Just when I was about to speak up again, Minhyuk's fingers slipped from my wrist down to my hand and squeezed it, causing me to tense up again. _Don't touch me._ “So, what brings Hyungrude here today? How's fate doing?”

I untangled my hand from his grasp, eyes set on the basin filled with blue liquid, which is why I missed out on the way Minhyuk's eyes narrowed for a split second. “I have to fail you, _Lee_ Minhyuk. I'm probably going to be weak today.” The dealer followed my gaze and I could see the way his eyes widened from the corners of my peripheral vision.

“Wait, did you think this through? I mean, nobody can tell what kind of effect this has on you and I'm sure you're just acting like this because you're curious, but I swear this is not worth it. You should think this through for at least another week, because, you know, if you-” He was blabbering, it was funny how a tiny statement of mine could make him drop that mysterious facade he liked to put on.

“I've been having countless nightmares for the past days. I think it's okay to-”

“No. No it's not.” He grabbed my wrist again. “Nightmares aren't a reason.” The sharp tone of his voice attracted my gaze and I saw his eyes burning with a cold fire as he tried to stare me down, but I was unfazed by it. “Look, I know you shouldn't think about whatever might have happened in the past, but trust me when I tell you that trying to completely forget about it isn't good either.”

“Oh and _you_ know about that? Would you be better off if you had nightmares that cause you to wake up with a racing heart? Nightmares that _make_ you think about the past, no matter how hard you try not to?”, I snapped and by the way Minhyuk's eyes clouded at that for a split second made clear that I had struck a chord.

Still, his reply was different from what I expected and my breath got stuck in my throat for a moment. “Yes. Yes, I wish I could remember.” So he had actually forgotten _all_ about it? _Doesn't sound all that bad to me._ “I want to know so that I can learn from it and become stronger.”

His eyes didn't falter and I did as I always do when feeling my back up against a wall: I get more defensive. “I don't need to become stronger and I'm ninety-nine percent sure of what I want. Are you mad because I'm not as strong as you thought at first?”

“Mad? Hell, no, I can't blame you.” He ran his tongue over his bottom lip and took a step back while shaking his head. “I'm just a bit disappointed because you're being selfish. You should go with the one percent that could stop you, because it's actually reasonable.”

 _You disappoint me._ Something clicked and a fire flared up when I heard him say that. _Look at what you've done._ “You don't have the right to say that”, I hissed before pushing him out of my way and walking up to the group where the bowl was making its way round. _Such a shame._ Just as fast as the fire inside of me had appeared, it got weaker with each step I took. Why was I so sensitive, I shouldn't let what he said get to me, right? It's just words and he didn't know a thing. _Not a thing._

“Hyungwon, have some”, a boy whose name I forgot said, giving me the warm metal bowl with a dazed smile.

“Uhm, thanks”, I mumbled, staring at my reflection in the blueish liquid. The blond hair dye was beginning to grow out, revealing dark roots that were matching the bags under a pair of brown eyes that was coldly staring back at me from a thin face. Who was that person? Me?

Was this really the right thing to do? Probably not, there always is a better way. But it would be _that_ easy to lift the small bowl up to my lips and tilt it just a bit so that I'd be able to take a sip of the blue stuff. It couldn't be that bad. I inhaled the sweet scent. If they tasted the same, I could understand why they cause you to get addicted.

I had always done things the hard and difficult way in the past.

_You're being selfish._

“I _deserve_ to be a little selfish”, I whispered, but just when I was about to take a swig, a hand ripped the bowl out of my grasp and a few drops spilled over my hand at the harsh movement.

“You could ruin your whole life”, Minhyuk growled while shoving the bowl into the hands of someone else. “If you're not going to listen to that one percent trying to keep you from doing it, I'll have to stop you personally.”

His eyes darted to my fingers in shock when I raised my hand, running my tongue over the thumb that was covered in liquid with a satisfied smirk. “Make me.”

 

________________

 

 

I don't know why, but it felt like my heart stopped beating for a split second when Chae Hyungwon actually licked the liquid off of his fingers. I had tried to warn him, told him to think it over again, tried to stop him, but he wouldn't listen. I watched as his pupils dilated just a bit and then shrunk again, mentally sighing in relief, because the few drops he had couldn't possibly have the same effect on him as a sip. He looked at me a moment later, running his tongue over his lips.

I felt my hopes rising when he didn't move and just kept staring at me, about to ask what he wanted to forget about so bad, but then, someone bumped into his shoulder causing him to turn and talk to the boy. I wasn't paying attention to what they were saying, but I could see his reaction awfully well.

Chae Hyungwon laughed out loud.

And that's when I knew the few drops of Delphinium he had were actually having an effect on him. And it wasn't a weak one. I know I had only met him once before, but the guy who had introduced himself as Chae Hyungwon was definitely not a person to laugh out loud. It took me long enough to even get him to _smirk_.

I took a look around to have a good view on the others. I had promised myself I wouldn't get weak when they were gathering and stayed sober every Wednesday to examine how other individuals reacted to the flower. I was curious – that's why I had given them a few of the flowers about a year ago in the first place. But my little project had gotten out of hand when one after the other got addicted.

Many of them just zoned out, others would become careless and happy. Most of them wouldn't be able to remember what they had done the next day anyway, which is why some were behaving as if they were living their last day on earth. And I won't deny that it could be exactly that, because nobody knows what this damn mutation of a flower actually does to your body. Bora for example, a cheerful girl I knew for a few years now, turned out to be quite the flirty type, just like Wonho and some other boys and girls. There were things I had seen and won't repeat here for your own good.

The mental after-effects the flowers trigger are just as various. Some get aggressive, others lose all of their motivation. Yet sometimes, like in Seungcheol's case, there wouldn't be much of a change. While high he'd be cheerful, behaving as if he was a little drunk, he'd still remain clearheaded when not having the suspicious liquid run through his body.

According to Shownu, it was the same with me, but all I remember is what people tell me while I'm high, neither their actions nor my own. But one thing I definitely knew about Delphinium was that it could be extremely poisonous and paralyzing in some cases.

While I recalled those facts I had gathered, I noticed that Hyungwon wasn't near me anymore and I paced around the station until my eyes caught a glimpse of his hair. Judging by the small amount coursing through his body he would sober up in no time before anything bad happened and I lay a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, Chae Hyungwon?” I liked how he had used his full name to introduce himself before, it showed how much he hoped for the Chinese army to be defeated one day. He would stand up and fight for it. At least he would have done so before experiencing the momentary high. _Please don't make him forget anything._

“Lee!”, he exclaimed with shining eyes and a blinding smile, taking my hand while I was trying to drag him towards the edge of the crowd once more. I frowned, speechless for the moment. He _took my hand_. Something he had avoided at all costs before taking the drug. _Oh great, a clingy one_. “Lee, I feel great!”

I turned to face him, eyebrows still furrowed when he stood there grinning like a child that received a piece of chocolate for cleaning up its room. “Call me Minhyuk, please. I just wanted you to _know_ about the name, not to use it.”

My opponent puffed his cheeks for a moment before his grasp on my hand tightened and he looked me straight in the eye, pupils dilated. He licked his free thumb, probably trying to taste the Delphinium once more. “Alright.” When he leaned closer, he rested his chin on my shoulder, causing my breath to get stuck in my throat at the sudden change of demeanor. “It'll be our little secret then”, his voice – void of any cheerfulness and at least an octave deeper – whispered, sending shivers down my spine. Okay, this was weird. Like, _really_ weird. There hadn't been someone with mood swings like these in months and I didn't know what to do but push him away a bit.

“You know, you're not really thinking straight it seems”, I said slowly, trying to hold his slightly clouded gaze and his hand let go of mine as he breathed out slowly.

“Yeah. Maybe you're right.” Then suddenly, one of the guys from a gang called BTS swung an arm around Hyungwon's shoulders and he brightened up on the spot. “Jungkook!”

“Hyungwon!” They both just chuckled without real reason and I bit my lower lip when I saw what the newly arrived boy held in his hand. “Look, I stole one of these today! The shop owner didn't even notice!”, he shouted and presented Hyungwon a bottle the label of which showed Chinese characters. The boy, like me, probably didn't even know what it was he held there, not that any of us were actually able to read those-

“Oh no.” Hyungwon looked a bit sad and withdrew while taking the bottle from the boy's grasp. “You're not allowed to drink that one yet.” The younger cocked his head to the side, eying the label with a frown and I noticed the way the blond's pupils widened and shrunk again. He was somewhere between sober and high, because it hadn't been enough to stimulate his whole body at the same time. He was overcharged. _Good._

“Ah, Hyungwon?” Said boy looked like he was freed from some form of trance and looked at me with a pair of eyes that looked curious and dark like a deer's. “Why don't you come home with me today? I've got some... some stuff to talk to you about.” It came out more as a question than a statement, but when Hyungwon looked at the BTS guy he just waved it off.

“Go ahead, bro, I'll tell the others.” His grin widened into a blinding smile as he snatched the bottle from his friend again. “That way I'll be able to drink this without having you telling me not to. Ha!”

Hyungwon looked like he wanted to protest, but I grabbed him by the arm and led him towards the stairs in a hurry. “Let's get you away from all these guys, okay?”, I suggested and he agreed after a short silence. Once we were out of the stuffy underground hall, the cold and clean night air burned in my lungs like a knife. _Exactly what he needs._

My new acquaintance took a few calm breaths as I led him down the street until he stopped with a frown. “Where are you leading me?”

I swallowed hard, knowing what to do and yet knowing that it was a really bad idea. “I'll introduce you to my friends.” As he didn't say anything else I felt the need to change our topic a bit. “See how that wasn't worth it? You were high for, like, ten minutes? That's like getting drunk after one glass of soju, it's quite weak.”

“I simply didn't take enough of it, because a certain someone who is clinging to my arm like someone leading his drunk friend home felt the urge to play prudent and 'save' me from that oh so evil drug.”

His voice actually sounded quite angry and I looked at him in surprise. Did he really sober up this fast? I had meant it as a joke, but now that he was behaving more like his usual self, I removed my hand from his arm and let him walk on his own.

“Hey hey”, Hyungwon mumbled with a childish pout and grabbed my wrist to place my hand on his arm again. “That's not what I meant. It's okay.”

_No. No it's not._ He wasn't back to normal at all and I withdrew my hand once more, keeping it out of his range. “Chae Hyungwon.” He turned to look at me with sleepy eyes and a raised eyebrow. “We're going to my house, where I will explain all I know about the flower to you and then you can decide whether you want to go with the flow or maybe stick to your one percent of uncertainty next time, okay?” 

When he cocked his head to the side he didn't reply but just took my hand again. I was about to protest in frustration when his grasp tightened. “Just for a while. I'm cold.” My heart softened at that statement of his and I sighed, dragging him down the street and in the direction of my current place of living. Chae Hyungwon was a complete mystery to me.

I don't know why I was panicking over him so much, but maybe it was because he just seemed to still have a chance. He proved to own some rare kind of strength of his mind and wasn't completely ruined by the flower yet. I could still save him.

_I can still save him._

 

He was definitely sensitive when it came to those drugs, I was wondering if he had ever even been drunk before. One moment he would talk to me like before, not very cheerful and maybe mixed with a bit of teasing, and just a second later he'd grin and sway our intertwined hands back and forth without any reason. I can't say which was harder: Seeing him on the drug I hadn't been wanting to spread any further or having to suppress a chuckle every time he got childish or made a stupid comment.

“Look, the stars are coming out!”, he shouted and I directed my gaze towards the cloudy sky, barely able to even make out _one_ of said shining dots.

“Oh, yes. It's been a while since we saw them, hasn't it?” I played along, but had to turn around when he stopped with a frown. “Chae Hyung-”

“Shh.” He tilted his head a bit to the side before dragging me into a side alley without letting go of my hand.

“Hey, wh-what-”

“Quiet”, he hissed and pressed me against his chest while pulling both our hoods over our heads. “There are officials coming.”

Once the momentary shock his words caused subsided I drew a breath to put it off as his imagination, but when I listened closely, I could hear a vehicle coming closer at an incredible speed. And there weren't any Koreans driving cars in this area anymore. Hyungwon was right. Anyone who was in the military officials' way would have been run over without a moment of consideration. Not to mention the fact that there was a curfew from eight at night to five in the morning and we would probably have been shot if they missed us with their tires.

“They don't usually come here”, I mumbled against his chest when the car drove past, only now noticing how close we were standing and hurried to distance myself from him just to be stopped by a hand still holding mine. When I looked at him in wonder, his eyes looked empty. “Why are you holding onto it? I can tell you're not cold anymore.”

“I don't know, you tell me.”

“Then it's just the flower clouding your mind”, I sighed, carefully freeing my hand and walking towards the main street again. “Like I said, it's rare to have them pass through this area, something must have happened in the main city.”

“It must be the riot from last week.” I frowned and turned to look at him, but he just shrugged. “Reading newspapers is all I can do at work.” Hyungwon then hurried to keep up with me and removed my hood. “Your sugar hair is treacherous at night, you should take the subway paths next week or they'll spot you if they come by again.”

I was caught off guard and blinked a few times before frowning. “My what?”

“Your hair. It looks like white sugar”, he explained with a grin as if it was the most obvious thing on earth and reached out for my hand, but I pulled it away, not missing out on the way his smile slid off his face.

Why was he being like this, it wasn't just him being childish, this was worse. “W-we're here”, I muttered, pointing at the small, derelict house and Hyungwon was back to grinning while he followed me to the door. When I unlocked it, I walked straight into the living room and said something like 'we have a visitor', to find Jooheon frowning at me from his armchair.

“Visitor? You didn't bring some kid from Seventeen here, did you?”

“Well, n-not exactly. Look, it's hard to explain, but he is not like the others, I'm just trying to help him.”

“Oh, you're early.” Wonho came down the stairs and judging by the fact that he was shirtless and had his hair drip with water he had just taken a shower. His gaze fell on my company. “Why, hello there, handsome, who are you?”

I felt Hyungwon's fingernails claw into my back as he swallowed followed by a rattling breath. “U-uhm...” When I turned my head to glance at him, his pupils widened and shrunk again as if they were unable to focus.

“That's Hyungwon. Could you please put some clothes on?”

“This is the maximum of what you'll get to see tonight.”

“Sure”, I sighed and suppressed a smirk. Wonho would always flirt with everything on two legs, but I figured he wouldn't actually do anything to us; he loved us too much. “However”, I got back to the main issue, “he has only had a few drops, but it looks like his body doesn't take it well”, I explained and Wonho raised an eyebrow, saying what I thought out loud:

“Or maybe a bit too well.” I told my guest to stay where he was before forming a small circle with Jooheon and Wonho in the living room. “So, you brought some high guy to our house. Do I want to know the exact reason?”, the latter asked and my eyes darted to Hyungwon who was spacing out in the hallway.

“I'm trying to help him. He's not completely high, he's somewhere in between and I didn't want him to have more of the stuff. You can see what a few drops did to him already.”

“And you bring him to _us_ to keep him away from the flowers? I don't know if you have already noticed and I'm sorry to break it to you, but without us The Clan wouldn't even exist. We're the _reason_ for all of this”, Jooheon hissed through clenched teeth. “Why are you always trying to save the world? You're really-”

“I'm not!”, I replied in frustration. “I'm not trying to save the world. But _he_ is. And that's why I have to protect him.”

Jooheon let out a short laugh in disbelief. “Incredible. So many years and you still manage to surprise me.”

“Look, I know you're pissed, but-”

“Pissed? I'm not pissed, Minhyuk. I'm outright mad.”

“Uhm, guys?”, Wonho mumbled, but Jooheon didn't stop there.

“You're walking around handing out drugs and still say that you want to protect him from them. Tell me more about that, it seems to be a new kind of logic.”

“Guys!” Jooheon shot Wonho a glare and I squinted at him who just pointed at the hallway. “He just collapsed.”

My eyes widened as I spun around to find Hyungwon lying on the ground in a position that looked really uncomfortable. Just when I ran up to him the front door opened and Shownu came in, letting his gaze linger on the guy on the ground for a moment before looking at me with a raised eyebrow.

“I-I can explain.”

Again I described the situation to our oldest housemate who maintained silence and a blank face until the end. Wonho had helped me get Hyungwon to one of our sofas before and the passed out guy was now lying behind me with a smile on his lips. Feeling more nervous with every second of silence that passed I started fiddling with the straps of my hoodie when Shownu finally spoke up.

“Fine, let him stay for now.”

Jooheon almost fell from his chair. “Wait, _what_?! Minhyuk just brought a complete stranger to our house and you-”

“Do we have much of a choice?”, Shownu interrupted him, but Jooheon just nodded as a matter of course.

“Sure. We could leave him outside. Someone will find him sooner or later and-”

“Lee Jooheon.” Everybody stopped breathing when he said his surname. “The last time I checked we weren't some cold-hearted assholes. Did I miss out on something?”

Our second youngest bit his lip while lowering his gaze. “N-no.”

“Do I need to remind you of what could have happened to Kihyun?”

“No.”

“That's what I thought. This guy will stay here until he's fine again, Minhyuk takes full responsibility and that's all there is to it. No hard feelings and no consequences of importance for any of us, because he'll leave tomorrow. Good enough?”

Jooheon huffed, but didn't dare to look at anyone when he stood up and stomped out of the room, leaving me alone with Shownu, Wonho and an unconscious Hyungwon. The former sighed and forced his body to relax. “He's overreacting. It's been the same when we took Changkyun in”, Wonho cut in, but Shownu looked like he had something else on his mind.

“Why him? You could have brought any other person, so: your reason?”

 _How should I explain?_ I couldn't put my finger on it myself. “He just doesn't seem to belong with the others.” I licked my lips and glanced at Hyungwon for a moment. “Chae Hyungwon still has a mind of his own.”

Shownu cocked his head to the side as if he didn't quite understand. “Chae?”

I nodded with a smirk. “He's still using his full name? I like him”, Wonho chuckled before stretching like a cat. “So there is still someone who will fight once the time comes. But seriously, now that this issue is resolved I'll be going to bed. Gotta wake up early tomorrow.” I muttered a quiet 'sleep well' and my gaze slid from Wonho over to Hyungwon before deciding to get ready to go to bed as well. Waiting until he woke up would only cause me to miss out on precious sleep.

“It's not only about his will to resist”, Shownu spoke up again, eyes still on me and his elbows resting on his knees when I looked at him in surprise. “You want to observe him for a while and purposely try to keep him away from the Delphinium.”

My opponent shrugged. “You've always been like that: observing everything around you to absorb information. And you want to know all there is to that guy before he forgets about it himself, am I right? You're compensating for what you can't remember about your own past.”

Of course he'd have an explanation for my behavior, he wasn't our leader for nothing. I managed to form a smirk. “That...That could be it, yes.” _Compensation. He's right, that's what it is_. “I can't watch him throw away his identity when he has been holding on to his surname for so long.”

Shownu stood up and ruffled up my hair. “You're too helpful for your own good, I swear. Go to bed, he'll be fine in the morning if he really didn't have that much. Try not to worry.” Again I could only smirk at his care and nodded before following him out of the room.

_Tomorrow will be a new day. I'll help you somehow, Chae Hyungwon._

 

________________

 

 

When I woke up, there was neither the smell of old wood nor the dim lighting of the subway station surrounding me. It was bright and smelled of fresh coffee. _Coffee?_ I forced my eyes open – though they were protesting at the immense amount of light piercing my retina – and took a look around the room I was in.

There was a sofa and an armchair with me lying on a second slightly bigger sofa. The light shone through three big windows to my right and after yawning to my heart's content I found out that the coffee smell came from another room straight ahead.

I had never been at this place before.

_Where the hell am I?_ I frowned as I tried to remember what had happened the evening before, my memories hazy and vague.  _The flowers._ After having tasted the damn sweet and yet bitter taste the blue flowers owned, I had felt... weightless. It wasn't like anything I had felt before, my mind just rid itself of every bad thought I had and I felt great! But...what had happened after that? The next thing I remembered was how I had gone home with Minhyuk and-  _Minhyuk._ Maybe that's where I was.

I figured that I wouldn't gain anything if I kept sitting on the sofa and folded back the dark blanket that had been thrown over my body, swaying for a moment after standing up. If this was Minhyuk's place he would be around, right? I'd just have to go and find him. My first idea was the coffee room and I took a few unsure steps before carefully and quietly making my way towards the source of the smell.

“M-Minhyuk?”, I whispered with a hoarse voice as I peeked into the room, but there was no one there and I bit my lip, turning around to go with the door on the other side of the room.

Just when I was about to reach out for the handle, it opened on its own. Well, not completely on its own, because a second later, a bright-haired young man came into the room.

“Oh, you're awake?” _Who are you?_ I took a few steps back, almost tripping over my own feet if it hadn't been for the stunning reflexes of my opponent who grabbed my arm to stabilize me. He looked quite good, wearing a white shirt, the sleeves of which were rolled up, in combination with a pair of simple black pants. It was rare to see someone being dressed that way around here. “Minhyuk! He's awake!”, he shouted loud enough to wake up the whole neighborhood and I relaxed at the sound of Minhyuk's name, suppressing a sigh. _At least I haven't been kidnapped. I guess._ “Sit down, Minhyuk will come in a minute”, the stranger said and I retreated to my couch again.

“I'm Wonho”, he said and I swallowed unable to avert my eyes from his intense gaze as if he was trying to burn my face into his memory. _Wonho._ I don't know why, but I just couldn't put my finger on where I had heard that name before.

“Ch-chae Hyungwon”, I stuttered in reply and shrunk a bit more when Wonho sat down on the couch opposite to mine without looking away.

“Now, aren't you a handsome little guy?”

“E-excuse me?”

Wonho shrugged and shook his head with a chuckle. “I'm just thinking out loud. So tell me, Hyungwon-”

“He's awake?”, I heard a familiar voice say and my eyes darted to the door again where Minhyuk was standing with his hair pointing in different directions. He spotted me sitting upright and smiled. “Good to see you conscious again, you had me worried for a second.”

“A second, my ass”, Wonho muttered under his breath and was rewarded with an elbow to his ribs. “No need to get violent, I'm out. Hyungwon, you want some coffee?”

I glanced at Minhyuk and then back at Wonho with a shy nod. “If it isn't a problem, I'd love to have a cup, thanks.” He winked at me with a smirk before heading towards the small room I had been in before and what I assumed to be the kitchen. Wait, he winked? How much of a flirt was that guy to-

I was interrupted in my train of thought by the growl of a stomach and after looking at Minhyuk for a moment I figured that it had been my own. He grinned at me. “Let's get you something to eat first. We have a bit of bread and eggs left from yesterday”, he said, signalizing me to follow him into the kitchen where Wonho gave me a cup of warm and steaming coffee with his fingers lingering on mine for a bit too long for my liking and I took a small step back. Minhyuk raised an eyebrow when the other male let out an amused snort and was about to leave the kitchen. “You're avoiding our guest?”

Wonho could just chuckle. “On the contrary. It's you I'm running away from”, he teased before walking back into the living room with an outstretched tongue, which had Minhyuk huff.

I blinked a few times and drew a breath while scratching my fingers absentmindedly. “I-is he always this...”

“Flirty? Unbearable? Impossible? Yeah, that's Wonho.” The white-haired guy started beating some eggs and looked back at me with a shrug. “But he's a good guy. Just don't take everything he says and does for granted.” I nodded and watched past the door where Wonho took a sip of his coffee while turning the page of a newspaper in concentration. _Ah. That one. Probably learning his 'Weekly Hànzi'._

After a few more minutes of standing in the room in silence, there was a plate of fried eggs given to me and I sat down on the sofa opposite of Wonho, Minhyuk taking a seat on the armchair. Both of them observed me to the point where I felt uncomfortable eating my breakfast. “U-uhm, don't you want to, I don't know, eat something too?”

The drug dealer shrugged. “I don't normally have breakfast and Wonho grabs something to eat on his way to work, so, no.” Not knowing what to say to keep the conversation going, I dug my fork into the fried egg again, enjoying its taste in silence.

Minhyuk cleared his throat after a few more seconds. “So, Hyungwon, do you- I mean, how do you feel?”

I cocked my head to the side with furrowed eyebrows. “I'm fine. A little bit knocked up maybe.” When he didn't say anything right away, I put my fork down to look at him. “Why are you doing this?”

“What? What do you mean?”

“This.” I pointed at the food in my hands. “And that.” My gaze flickered to the blanket I had been covered with. “You don't have to, do you?”

Minhyuk sighed. “I want you to stay away from the drugs.”

If it wasn't for his serious expression I would have thought this to be some joke. “That thing again. Don't you think I can decide on my own? I'm old enough and that doesn't even justify your actions. If I've already decided to take them despite all your warnings, why not just leave me there on my own?”

“Maybe because I'm still hoping for you to get a grip and say no one day?”, Minhyuk retorted with a hiss. “I don't know how often I have to tell you, but I know more about this than you. Do you even remember how you _got_ here?”

“Minhyuk”, Wonho warned him, but his friend kept his gaze focused on me and waited for a reply.

I scratched the back of my head with a shrug and tried to calm down. “I guess you brought me here, but other than that, not really.”

The white-haired male drew a deep breath. “See? _That's_ why I tried to stop you from taking the Delphinium. If a few drops make you forget about one night, what could a whole sip do to you?”

“But I _want_ to forget!”

“You may say that now, but what will happen to you once your memory actually begins to show big holes? What if you try to remember someone and can't even think of their _name_? What if-”

“Minhyuk, stop”, Wonho demanded, pulling the white-haired guy up by his arm despite his protests. “Can I talk to you for a second?” Minhyuk looked at me with that cold fire I had witnessed the evening before already and it made me shut my mouth on the spot. He was furious, but why didn't he just leave me on my own if I upset him this much?

I watched as the two guys walked into the kitchen, unable to hear what they were mumbling amongst themselves and decided to finish my breakfast before it got cold.

What reasons did Minhyuk have to be so persistent?

_Well, what reasons do you have for your own doings, Hyungwon? I bet they are just as legit._

Great, now even my conscience developed a voice of its own.

 

________________

 

 

We walked in silence for a while and Hyungwon inspected the houses and streets we passed by, trying to find out where we were, but it looked like he didn't know this place. “If you go the other way, there's a convenience store a few streets further”, I explained and a spark of comprehension appeared in his eyes.

“I'm working there.”

“You do? How come I've never seen you around?”

Hyungwon shrugged. “I only started last week and I'm not there twenty-four seven, I guess.” We fell back into silence after that and I took a few controlled breaths. _I should tell him._ Just when I was about to open my mouth, my opponent was faster. “Spit it out. Go on about how bad your drugs are. I know you're just waiting for it.”

I dug my teeth into my lip and sighed in defeat. “It's called Delphinium”, I mumbled as I thought back at what Wonho had talked to me about just before we left the house.

 

“ _Can I talk to you for a second?”, he said though the look in his eyes made a demand out of that question and I glanced back at Hyungwon before accompanying Wonho to the kitchen._

“ _What is it? Would you please just let me-”_

“ _It's his own problem if he gets addicted, Minhyuk.”_

_I stared at him with wide eyes, suppressing the urge to huff. “Yesterday you were all about helping him and now you're taking Jooheon's side-”_

“ _I'm not”, Wonho interrupted me and let his tongue run over his bottom lip. “But think about this for a moment: He's willing to forget to the point where he gets this desperate, can't you see that? He seems to be a clever person, he thought this through.”_

“ _That's the problem!”, I hissed in agitation, digging my nails into my opponents arm. “He thinks he thought of everything, but he doesn't know how bad this is going to end.”_

“ _No, but neither do you! Out of all us you're the only one with memory lapses this big and you are being paranoid. Nobody knows what effect it might have on him.”_

“ _Isn't that worse?” I clenched my eyes shut and took a deep breath to calm down. “Look Wonho, he doesn't seem to deserve this.”_

“ _What? He doesn't deserve a moment of happiness while high? He doesn't deserve to forget about something that might have traumatized him? He doesn't deserve to be like us?”_

_My jaw tensed as I grew more and more frustrated. “Wonho, he doesn't deserve to become an addicted wreck like we are!”_

_He forced my hand to let go of his arm and inspected the crescent formed imprints the nails had left in interest. “You're acting as if it were the end of the world if he took it.”_

_I clawed at my hoodie because I didn't know what else to do with my hands. “Well, it_ could be _! I've seen many things and trust me when I tell you that he could-”_

“ _Minhyuk.” My opponent looked at me with sad eyes before squeezing my shoulder and I let my gaze drop to the floor. “I can't keep you from doing anything, but please consider that he is free to do what he wants as well, okay? I don't want you to let this get to you, whatever outcome it might have. You can't save everybody.”_

_I turned to the side, not daring to look at him, and stared at the coffee machine instead. “It's just hard.”_

“ _I know.” When Wonho pushed past me to go back into the living room, he turned back with a smirk and I raised an eyebrow. “To be honest, if I had been in your situation, I would have brought him home too.”_

“ _R-really? So you think-”_

“ _He looks stunning, like, did you see that handsome fa-urgh”, I interrupted him with an elbow to his ribs with a sigh._

“ _I'll never trust you again.”_

“ _Oh honey, it surprises me that you even_ did _at some point, I'm honored.”_

 

I snorted at Wonho's unbridled sarcasm and Hyungwon looked at me with his head cocked to the side. “Delphi...nium?” _You can't save everybody._

“Well, it's some sort of mutation caused by radioactivity, but that's what it has been at some point, yes. The way it affects the body is similar to a virus' characteristics, but there haven't been any studies about it because it's an underground thing.” I shook my head and clicked with my tongue. “Its original form was poisonous to death, but the way it is now, the effects it triggers are just as various as the colors of the rainbow.”

Hyungwon fell silent and I watched him scratch his hand with a deep frown wrinkling his forehead. “Go on”, was all he mumbled in concentration.

“Well, I told you last week, didn't I? Most of the people forget about what they are doing when they're high and it goes to the point where some have parts of their memory altered or even deleted.”

“But that's not the only effect there is.” I looked at Hyungwon in surprise as he licked his lips and looked at me. “I observed BTS. Namjoon throws a tantrum at the tiniest issues for example, but he doesn't seem to forget anything about himself. If you want to stop me from taking your De...Delph... that stuff, you had better tell me about all there is to it. No filter.”

I swallowed with a nod. “O-okay. There really are many effects for Delphinium. Have you ever heard of the seven deadly sins?”

“Isn't that the stuff that causes us to go to hell according to church?” Again I nodded with a roll of my eyes. Heaven and hell were things none of us believed in nowadays.

“It might sound stupid, but you can categorize the effects with them. Your Namjoon belongs to the wrath category. Wonho, the guy you've just met, goes with lust.” The puzzled look in Hyungwon's eyes made me grin. “Yes, he's addicted too and yes, he can get much worse than you witnessed just now. More...offensive.”

My opponent seemed to think it over for a moment before nodding. “You're right. My other roommates if that's what I can call them could be categorized like that too. There are many people belonging to sloth, am I right?”

I couldn't help smiling at his level of comprehension and confirmed with a nod. “Since the original flower was poisonous and caused paralysis, that seems logical to me. In fact, a friend of mine can't walk properly anymore because of it.”

Hyungwon frowned. “Then why doesn't he just stop taking it?”

I let out a dry laugh. “If it were that easy I wouldn't be discussing this with you, Chae Hyungwon.” We rounded a corner and I noticed that we were near Hyungwon's subway station, slowing him down by pulling at his sleeve. “When Seventeen tried, two made it after a few months, but one died. And we don't want to lose anyone.”

I could see him swallow and was sure that he was finally beginning to recognize the danger he was in. He masked his eyes a second later, looking determined nonetheless. “But maybe being paralyzed is still better than lingering in the past.”

When would he finally understand?! I huffed in disbelief. “What has happened to you that you want to forget about it so bad?”

Hyungwon took a step closer and looked down at me with dark eyes, having me take a step back with a start. “I could ask you the same.”

“Well, _my_ memory is gone, I can't answer that question for myself anymore.” It hurt every time I was reminded of my mistake. I had tried to remember, but the only person to know at least a part of it was far, far away by now. Hyungwon scratched the back of his neck with a sigh and I lay my hands on his shoulders to have him look at me. “Even if you didn't forget about it, there would be many other side-effects you don't want to experience. Delphinium remains poisonous. Don't make the same mistake all of us did.”

He nodded hesitantly with eyes that were showing an internal fight. “I know, but... Minhyuk?” I gave him an encouraging smile. “If this doesn't work, I'll make it somehow, I swear. But knowing that it could actually help... I don't want to let this possibility slide past me.” His voice was hoarse and he swallowed with an apologetic look in his eyes. “I'm sorry, but I want to try anyway.”

 

________________

 

 

I took a step back and Minhyuk's hands slid off my shoulders as he looked at me with a hint of pain in his eyes. I understood his panic, I really did, but it just wasn't enough to stop me. _I want to try anyway._

“You're one hundred percent sure?”, he asked quietly and I could see his hands clenching into fists at his side.

I didn't reply, because to be honest, I was down to eighty percent by now, but I would be fine somehow. “If something really bad happens, you'll stop me anyway, right?”, I tried to joke, but Minhyuk didn't laugh; he just stood there staring at me. A weird feeling of doubt settled in my stomach, but I forced myself to ignore it, scratching my hand with a sigh. “Minhyuk. Promise me you will.”

I don't know why I was being like this, but I figured that judged by the way he tried to stop me I could count on him if I were to face a problem. The white-haired male looked at me for a moment longer and licked his lips before dropping his gaze. “I don't make promises anymore. I'm scared of forgetting about them.” He turned around, but stopped once more before rounding the corner. “Please think about it again.”

“I never _stopped_ thinking about it to begin with.”

Was that a snort I heard from him? “Don't do anything stupid, Chae.”

“You know I would never do that”, I mumbled with an actual _tiny_ grin as I watched Minhyuk's retreating figure disappear somewhere between dust and sky scrapers.

_There goes my chance to get a dose for another week._

 

The air got really bad that day, smog and dust were clouding the faraway buildings and I felt my skin itch when I walked down the stairs to find Seokjin and Taehyung crouched over a third person I could recognize as Jungkook. “Uhm, guys?”

“Hyungwon!”, Seokjin shouted with wide eyes. “Come down here, something's not right with Kookie!” I frowned and hurried to get to them when I saw little beads of sweat on Jungkook's forehead. His breathing was flat.

“What happened?”

“It's been like that the whole night, we were just coming back from the gathering when he collapsed”, Taehyung explained rapidly and I tried to remember if there had been anything unusual about the youngest the evening before. “I thought he was just worn out because of the liquid he brought along, but if that was the case he'd be awake already, right?”

Seokjin looked confused. “Wait, what liquid?”

I frowned and we exchanged a glance. “What did he bring along? Do you still have the bottle?”, I asked in sudden agitation, but Taehyung shook his head with panic in his eyes.

“It's at Seventeen's, but it was written in Chinese characters anyway, we didn't know what it was, but we already had it once and it tasted like alcohol so we drank it again. Jungkook wasn't like this last time, but he also drank more and...well...” An image of a bottle of alcohol with a grinning Jungkook next to it flashed in my mind and my eyes widened in surprise. Had that happened? If so, he hadn't just been high, but also _really_ drunk and who knows what effects that had on his body.

Seokjin sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose in helplessness. “Why on earth am I learning Hànzi if you're not even asking me what it is?”

Taehyung shrugged and bit his lip. “If it had been something bad you would have forbidden us to drink it anyway.”

“And now look what has come out of it. Is that better?”

I let Seokjin do the scolding and brought my blankets to wrap Jungkook in them like in a cocoon. “The way it affects the body is similar to a virus' characteristics”, I repeated Minhyuk's words under my breath. If the flower behaved like a virus, I had to treat it in a similar way as a fever, right? If so, sweating the illness out was the best to do now without having to go and visit a doctor. “Put something cool on his forehead, he'll be fine somehow if we leave him like this.” _I hope._

Taehyung did as I told to escape the eldest's nagging and I sat down with a sigh when I found that I wouldn't have to leave until thirty minutes later to go to the convenience store for my shift. After a few moments of silence a thought crossed my mind and I glanced at Taehyung. “What about school?”

Seokjin's gasp echoed from the walls when he saw the other's apologetic grin. “Taehyung, we're going _now_. I'll be back in no time, so leave when you have to, Hyungwon.”

I bit my lip when the younger male glared at me before being dragged out by Seokjin and I was left alone with a quietly panting Jungkook. “I hope you learn from this”, I muttered while scratching my neck and time went by without any visible change of the boy's condition until I had to go.

At work, there wasn't anything special happening either. I kept myself occupied with thinking about that thing called Delphinium and hoped that Jungkook would be fine sooner or later. Then, on my way home, I stopped by the station of Seventeen, asking for the bottle Jungkook and Taehyung had left behind the evening before and my suspicion was confirmed once I held it in my hands.

泸州老窖

_Lúzhōu lăojiào._ It would have been a miracle if Jungkook had remained unfazed by just a sip of that stuff. Not to mention that the bottle was empty. “That idiot, really”, I snorted as I walked through the dimly lit tunnels back to BTS with the bottle in my hand. “How is he?”

Hoseok looked up from his Hànzi book with furrowed eyebrows. “Condition remained unchanged, I guess. What's that?”

I threw the bottle at him with a sigh, glad that he actually caught it. “The stuff they've been drinking yesterday. It was some Chinese alcohol called Lú...zhōu or something along the lines. It's known for containing up to fifty percent of alcohol.”

Namjoon who was sitting near Jungkook with a sandwich in his hand glanced at me when Hoseok inspected the label for a moment.

“You're right, it definitely says Luzhou here.” _Your pronunciation is off._ He raised his head to look at me in surprise. “How come you know that? I mean, it's only written in Chinese characters.”

I stopped for a second just like I had planned it before and scratched the back of my head with a shrug. “We're selling something that looks like that at the convenience store. The label there reads the name in Korean, so I figured it must be the same stuff.” Hoseok returned his gaze to the bottle once more before nodding, already lost in his own thoughts when he started turning the pages of his book again.

I checked on Jungkook whose face had regained some of its color. His breathing got more even too, causing me to sigh in relief. _He'll be fine._

 

Later that evening, after everybody had gone to bed, I was sitting with my back against a few wooden planks when I could hear a rustling sound to my right and turned my head to find Jungkook moving under his blankets with a groan. “Jungkook?”

The boy clenched his eyes shut once more before opening them completely and noticing that there was no light except for the moon shining on the stairs. “Hyung...won?”, he croaked and I shuffled over to him in a hurry when he clutched at his head with one hand. “I feel horrible.”

I suppressed a roll of my eyes and went with a huff instead. “Who would have guessed? You passed out for almost twenty hours after mixing drugs with alcohol, of course you feel horrible.”

Jungkook managed to turn his head to look at me with a clouded gaze. “You were right.”

“Huh?”

“I said you were right”, he repeated and took a deep breath as if it was hard to speak. “I should have listened to you. You told me not to drink it beforehand.” _Did I?_ The image of Jungkook and the bottle flashed in my mind again and I figured I must have said that after getting high from the few drops of Delphinium. _If a few drops make you forget about one night, what could a whole sip do to you?_

“It's fine”, I replied, shaking off Minhyuk's warning in a hurry and patted Jungkook's shoulder while the younger male freed himself from the four blankets I had buried him in before. “Listen to me next time, I'm just glad you're okay now. You had me worried, you know?”

“Yes”, the boy muttered with his gaze lowered to the ground and I took one of his blankets to cover myself with it.

“I'm going to sleep for a while, I guess you won't? Go visit Seventeen or something like that, someone's always awake there”, I suggested and Jungkook slowly sat up with another groan. Now that he was awake, maybe I could finally get a bit of sleep of my own since I'd have to wake up early the next day due to work.

_Thankfully he's fine,_ was the last thing I could think of before drifting off into my world of nightmares.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We love Hyungwon on drugs.  
> Comment and/or Kudos if you agree :')


	3. Trust is a shy little thing

Again I had been running in my dream. This time, I was running through a forest, not being enclosed by brick walls but trees of all kinds. The freedom of nature was also the most treacherous one. Again I was caught. Again I had to face him.

And again I would wake up at some point.

I made my way up the gray stairs and watched the sun rise, turning the burning orange colored sky into a soft and blue one. The way it was now, I would take a dose for sure, because as far as I could remember, there hadn't been a nightmare like that the night before when I had apparently been high. Maybe it hadn't occurred and maybe I had just pushed it aside into my subconsciousness, but one thing was sure: I hadn't slept this well in a long time. If something were to happen to me Minhyuk would just keep me from taking more Delphinium, right? He was so desperate to get this idea out of my head, but I really didn't know what part of my memories I could ever miss.

My thoughts kept circulating for a while longer and before I knew it I was at the store. Since there were more people in the morning than in the afternoon I was busy standing behind the counter and time flew by without me noticing it.

After bidding my good-byes to my boss who was definitely satisfied with the way I worked I decided I should go and tell Minhyuk about Jungkook, because he might think it to be useful for his research on the flower. While on my way, a raindrop landed on my cheek and I raised my head to find dark clouds that had pushed themselves between me and the blue sky. _It will rain for a long time_ , I figured when more and more drops began to fall and soothed my itching skin.

Minhyuk's house really was close to my workplace and I got there in no time, knocking on the door, but when it opened, there was neither Minhyuk nor that other guy called Wonho in front of me. He was shorter by maybe five centimeters and his brown hair was red at the ends, hinting at a hair color that had long grown out. The guy stared at me from narrow eyes that didn't fit his slight baby face and the scowl on his face made me uncomfortable. Was this even the right house, had I gone wrong somewhere or-

“Are you going to talk or what do you want? Forgot something yesterday?”, he snapped and I had to suppress the urge to take a step back in fright.

“U-uhm, I wanted to talk to Min...hyuk, is he home? Maybe?”, I stuttered nervously, but my opponent shook his head.

“He's not, he went out for a while. Don't know when he'll be back.”

“Oh.” I lowered my gaze and fumbled with my words for a moment. _Why do I even bother, I should have waited until next Wednesday,_ I thought before looking up at the guy again. “Never mind, it's not that important anyway, I was just-” The look he gave me made me stop and clear my throat again. “Just tell him I was there, thanks”, I mumbled before ducking my head and turning around to leave.

I could only hear a snorted 'sure' from behind me before the door was slammed shut again and I hurried to get back to the subway before I was completely drenched, which wasn't very successful. Who was that guy? How many people did Minhyuk live with in the first place, I had never asked.

 _And why would you? He's a dealer, you shouldn't befriend him._ That was true, but talking or even just listening to him was so easy to me. Is it weird to look for something to hold on to when you have nothing? I don't think so, my actions were legit. Somehow.

 

It had been raining for two days without a minute of stopping and it didn't look like it would anytime soon. I hadn't heard anything from Minhyuk either and began to wonder if the impolite guy at the door had actually told him I was there while I was closing the front doors and cleaned up the convenience store. I loved how my job kept me distracted to the point where I wouldn't even notice how the days passed by and before I knew it it was Sunday.

There was some knocking sound to be heard and I raised my head to look around, but there was nobody else left in the store, my boss had given me the keys to lock up on my own the day before. After another ten seconds the knock sounded through the room again and I frowned walking up to the front door where someone stood with his hood pulled into his face. I unlocked the door, about to tell him that we were closed when he flashed a smile. “Took you long enough!”, Minhyuk huffed as he removed the hood and shook his hair before coming in, leaving muddy footprints everywhere.

“Don't move. I literally just cleaned up”, I sighed.

He turned around seeing the mess he created and hopped on the counter to let his feet dangle a few centimeters above the ground instead. There was a short silence with him watching as I wiped the dirt away once more. “Sorry for coming this late”, he mumbled all of a sudden and I looked up in surprise, but Minhyuk shrugged. “Jooheon only told me about your visit half an hour ago. He doesn't seem to like you a lot.”

“He has never met me before, why would he hate me?”

“I wonder”, Minhyuk replied swaying his feet back and forth. “Why did you come the other day?”

I put the cleaning utensils away and turned off the light, leaving us in the gray twilight of a setting sun that remained hidden behind dark clouds. “One of the guys from BTS, Jungkook, combined alcohol with your precious Delphinium.” I saw the way his body tensed up at the word 'precious' and was about to apologize when he had already masked his feelings with an encouraging smile again. He hated it, but still needed it. It was nothing but a vicious spiral to him, wasn't it? “Have you ever tried Lúzhōu lăojiào before?“

Minhyuk's forehead wrinkled when he looked at me. “Only heard about it, why?”

“With up to fifty percent of alcohol it is bad enough to drink a bottle on your own, which he kind of did, but because of the combination, Jungkook was unconscious for about twenty hours. It was worse than any soporific I can think of.”

“Sopo-”

“Soporific”, I repeated and took the keys before stopping right in front of Minhyuk. “Sleeping pills and stuff like that. He didn't move the slightest, I was afraid he might die.”

“So you think combining Delphinium and that alcohol knocks you out? Are you sure it wasn't just the alcohol?”

I shook my head, throwing and catching the key several times with a jingling noise. “I know the effects this kind of alcohol has and apparent death isn't one of them.”

Minhyuk stared at something I couldn't see for a moment, his lips forming a concentrated pout before he snapped out of his trance and jumped off the counter. “Interesting, indeed.” His face was only centimeters away from mine and I tried to brave his gaze, but failed and took a step back after another moment. This was just _too_ close.

“We should go”, I mumbled after swallowing. “I've got to lock up.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” The way he said that made clear that he noticed the way I got defensive when people got too close to me, but I tried not to let it show. “Say, Hyungwon”, he started again once I had closed the doors behind us and turned the key in its lock, the heavy rain drumming against the pavement. Minhyuk looked up at the sky, blinking when his eyes made contact with thick raindrops. “Why don't you come and live at our place? We have an actual roof.”

I was a bit taken aback by his offer and needed a moment to process it. “The others are friendly with me, why should I switch to you?”

“I'm at least just as friendly.”

“Still that's no convincing reason for me to come over.”

“Now that's just rude.”

“I don't even know all your housemates, not speaking of the fact that Joo...Jooheon? That Jooheon seems to hate me.”

“Maybe you should come over and get to know them a bit better, I'm sure you'll change your mind then. We're cooler than any other gang around here.”

I sighed. “You're not going to let me convince you of the opposite, right?”

“Nope. So please think about it, I'm serious.” I didn't see the slightly pleading look in his eyes because I was looking straight ahead. Minhyuk huffed when he realized that and crossed his arms in front of his chest after pulling his hood up again. “Your pronunciation is good.”

“Excuse me?”

“Your pronunciation of Chinese words like that alcohol”, he explained with a raised eyebrow. “Do you know Chinese?”

My breath got stuck in my throat and my heart skipped a beat. _Your pronunciation is good, hun. Just like a real Chinese person, I swear._ I shook my head. _Go away._ “Not really”, I replied quickly, looking anywhere but at him. “I knew someone who did though. Long before I-” I stopped myself from saying anything else. This didn't belong here, it was the past. “Never mind, let's say I just know the basics.”

Minhyuk slowed down a bit and I glanced over my shoulder with raindrops sticking to my eyelashes to find him staring at me with a scowl. “Did I say something wrong?”, I asked nervously and licked my lips, but my opponent shook his head.

“There's no need for you to keep stuff secret from me, I won't tell anyone, you know?”, he muttered before suddenly pacing towards me and throwing his arms around my shoulders, pulling me into a tight embrace.

I tensed up on the spot. _Too close. WAY too close!_ “Wh-what-”

“Remember my offer. You know where to find me”, he mumbled before he let go patting my back once more. He then turned around without even looking at me for another second, leaving me puzzled on the sidewalk as he disappeared between the houses again.

 _What the hell was that?_ I felt a small rush of adrenaline cursing through my body, clenching and unclenching my fist in uncertainty before I decided to keep walking towards my subway station. Moving would calm me down, right? _Remember my offer._ My hair was dripping with water and I sniffled, hoping that I wouldn't catch a cold for a moment, but I actually couldn't care less as my mind was occupied with the sudden warmth Minhyuk had shown towards me. He would always be joking around or get mad at me, but this time he just...cared? Was that the right word for it or was it wishful thinking? “Cut that bullshit, please, Hyungwon”, I muttered as I kicked the gravel. “Don't get caught up in that stuff, he's some dealer who is addicted to his own drugs.”

 _You disappoint me. “_ I didn't mean to...”

 _You think this is some kind of joke?_ “I never did.”

Where did my sudden mood drop come from? Why were those memories coming back now? I had accustomed to my nightmares telling me that stuff, why did I have to be confronted with it in broad daylight too? I hated it and kept walking without even listening to my own thoughts anymore.

Coming down the stairs with my feet creating splashing sounds, I stopped at the bottom to take in the sight the subway presented. It had been a bit damp for the past days already, but now after coming back from work there was a layer of water covering the ground.

None of the other guys were around and I made my way through the puddle until I reached one of the wooden constructions we called sofa. My feet were completely drenched and I was cold, not having any spare clothes and skin began to itch again as I waited for someone, anyone, to come by and tell me what was going on.

It must have been about twenty minutes when someone's footsteps sounded from the stairs and I raised my head with heavy eyelids. Namjoon stopped when he saw me and let out a sound of surprise. “Hyungwon, is that you?”

“Yeah, but where are the others?”, I asked in reply with a sniffle.

BTS' leader ran a hand through his damp hair. “Well, as you can see there isn't one dry spot down here, so we decided to split up and move over to the other groups for a while. The rain will become snow in a few weeks, but until then it's just uncomfortable, you know?”

It took me a moment to grasp the situation and nodded slowly. “Where should I go?”

Namjoon hesitated for a moment. “I don't know, do you have any place you could stay at?” _Of course not, why else would I be here?_ I thought about it for a second. Sleeping outside wasn't an option, it had gotten cold and BTS had taken all the blankets with them in their hurry. The only other gang I knew was Seventeen and they didn't have any room for an extra. Well, Seventeen _and_ Minhyuk...

I would have laughed out loud if this wasn't such a stupid situation. _Oh the irony._

Namjoon noticed my hesitation and bit his lip. “I'm staying over at the house of a friend, but there isn't any room either. Maybe you could-”

“It's fine”, I interrupted him, standing up to walk through the puddle again.

The guy looked at me with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, really. We decided spontaneously, so there was no time to tell you and-”

“I said it's fine. I'll find some place, don't worry.” He stood there fumbling with his words for a few more seconds before nodding and grabbing whatever he had come for while I walked out of the station with a sigh. _Is this what you call karma?_ “See you next Wednesday, I guess”, I shouted down the stairs and heard another 'sorry' from Namjoon before I buried my hands in my pockets and started walking in the direction of Minhyuk's house.

I could already imagine that Jooheon-guy throwing a fit and sighed. I hated being passed on from one gang to the next. I thought I might be able to become a part of BTS, but it didn't look like it and I was afraid I'd have to leave my next place because of reasons like that too. _You don't belong with us, you're just being tolerated_ , was what they were indirectly telling me and it hurt to be thought of as some sort of burden.

I stopped myself in front of the wooden door and stood there for a while, unable to move until I took a few steps back and crouched down at the wall. Would I even get along with whoever he was staying with? Minhyuk was already a bit noisy, then there was Jooheon and that overly flirty guy, Wonho. Imagining the three of them spending their days together was almost impossible, they were just too different. _But if they get along, why shouldn't you too?_

My wet clothes stuck to my body and drew all of its warmth, causing me to yawn when my heartbeat slowed down, imitating some kind of hibernation. “Maybe I should just close my eyes for a bit...”, I mumbled with my forehead resting against my pulled up knees as the melancholic patter of the rain put me to sleep.

 

“Hey, wake up”, someone's voice reached my ears and I groaned as it got louder and louder before a hand shook my shoulder. I didn't know the voice, who was this? I opened my eyes and yawned before focusing on the person in front of me that had a worried look on his face.

_I must have fallen asleep_ , I thought, trying to find out who that person was.

“You're Chae Hyungwon, right?” The sound of my full name had me collect my senses and I stared at the guy with wide eyes. He had short black hair and tanned skin, his left hand was heavy and warm on my soaked shoulder while his right held some white plastic bag. I had never seen this guy before, how did he know my name? “What are you thinking, sleeping out here, it's raining!”

“Oh really? Didn't notice”, I replied dryly and the guy snorted, carefully grabbing my arm with both hands to pull me to my feet.

“Come on, let's get you dried up, shall we?”

“W-wait, who are you?”

He stopped for a moment before he realized something and pinched the bridge of his nose with a small grin. “Of course. I'm Shownu. You don't know me, but I know you.” The man unlocked the door and I had to think again before remembering where I had actually fallen asleep.

“You're one of Minhyuk's housemates?”, I guessed and he nodded.

“The last time I saw you you were lying on the floor after having collapsed. It's good to see you awake. Well, more or less”, he joked while poking my chest playfully and taking off his shoes. “I'll be right back, just stay here for a moment.”

I did as I was told, standing in the doorway while dripping vigorously until Shownu came down the stairs with a towel. When he began to rub my hair dry as a matter of fact, I took the cloth from him to do it myself, uncomfortable with his actions. “Sorry.”

He stopped in wonder, cocking his head to the side. “For what?”

“For causing trouble again. I didn't mean to cause you extra work by sitting by the door.”

He took a moment to stare at me before a soft smile appeared on his face. “Causing trouble? You're not!” He walked into the living room to take off his jacket and put it on a nearby chair. “I put a set of spare clothes into the bathroom upstairs. Go take a shower if you want to. There's nobody else home at the moment anyway.” _So there wouldn't have been anyone anyway._

I hesitated for a few seconds before he nudged me towards the stairs. “Thank you. Thanks a lot”, I mumbled, hoping Shownu had heard it and walked upstairs, needing some time to find the right door since there were five of them. I closed the bathroom door and turned the key before letting my head fall against the wooden door with a sigh.  _Here I am._

Was it impolite to be intruding right after declining Minhyuk's offer? It had been about one hour or maybe two since then, making me wonder how the white-haired male would react if he found out. _It's not intruding if they offer it on their own behalf_ , a new voice joined the ghosts haunting my mind and I let out a sound of frustration. “He'll probably show some smug grin and tease me again if he doesn't get mad”, I mumbled and glanced at the set of clothes Shownu had put on a chair for me.

_It's not like I have much of a choice, right?_

 

I didn't think I could feel this great after a normal warm shower. My whole body felt alive and there was blood pumping through my veins again after almost freezing up in the cold. The clothes Shownu had given me fit just right and the sweatshirt was padded, keeping my body warmth inside. It was the first time I felt this comfortable in weeks and I waddled down the stairs on my bare feet to find Shownu in the kitchen. He smiled in relief when he saw how his clothes fit. “You look a lot better.”

“I feel better too”, I replied when I noticed how he was cutting up meat. “Can I help you with anything?”

Shownu stopped in surprise and glanced at a bunch of vegetables to his right. “You don't have to, just sit down in the living room, really-”

“Not a chance”, I interrupted him and pulled my sleeves up while searching the kitchen for another knife. “This is the least I can do.”

The other male snorted as he shook his head and went back to cutting what I assumed to be chicken. “How old are you, Hyungwon?”

“Twenty-two”, I mumbled absentmindedly and he hummed. “You?”

“Twenty-four. Be a bit more respectful, you brat.”

“Sorry, I didn't mean to-” I stopped myself when I saw the teasing glint in his eyes, realizing that he had meant it as a joke. “That was malicious.” Shownu chuckled, unable to hide his smile anymore and I just couldn't feel uncomfortable around him. It was strangely comforting to have him calmly joke around though we didn't know a thing about each other.

 _Wait, that's it. What are you doing here, you_ don't know _who this is!_ He's a friend of Minhyuk, calm down. _Is that good or bad?_ We worked in silence for a while and I was lost in thought, flinching when the front door was slammed open all of a sudden.

“Home!”, the person shouted from the entrance and Shownu sighed, taking a deep breath.

“Be quiet, idiot!”

“Love you too!”, came the answer and something clicked in my mind. _Wonho_ , I thought just before the blond guy walked into the room, letting out a sound of surprise when he saw me. “What have we here? Look at that, Hyungwon is back. How are you?”

I shot a glance at Shownu and then at Wonho who was wearing a white shirt with rolled up sleeves again. He had probably just come from work and even with the slightly visible dark circles under his eyes I could see that he was quite handsome. The bad thing was that he knew it too. “Good”, I mumbled and returned my attention to the pepper I was chopping, reminding myself of being polite. “How about you?”

I'd almost have dropped the knife later when he rested his chin on my shoulder, peeking at what we were cutting, but I managed to hold onto it and my body tensed up at his bored voice vibrating next to my ear. “Same.” When he didn't show the intention of moving anytime soon, I lowered my shoulder until his chin slipped off. “Shownu, he's being rude.”

“If you didn't invade his personal space seconds after coming home he might have liked you”, Shownu replied, but Wonho remained unfazed by it, clicking his tongue.

“Nonsense. Hyungwon loves me, he just doesn't admit it”, he stated and winked at me with a smirk. _Ugh. Cheesy._

“Actually, Shownu is right”, I said with a raised eyebrow and after a few seconds of silence Shownu was barely able to suppress a laugh and Wonho put a hand over his heart with an overly dramatic sigh.

“To think I ever offered you a cup of coffee-”

“Go and get changed before he destroys your ego”, Shownu interrupted and pushed Wonho out of the room with his foot to go back to cutting the last piece of meat. “Finally someone who puts up with him. You mustn't take everything he says and does for granted.”

I hummed without raising my head. “Minhyuk told me the other day.”

“Speaking of which, he should be back with Jooheon in a moment, too.” They would come back _together_? _Great, this gets better with every minute_. “You need to relax a bit”, Shownu suggested and nudged me in the side. “You're safe here. Why were you out in the rain?”

I put down the knife after having finished my task. “The guys I lived with until now had to split up. Our sta- home turned into a lake because of the rain and, well...”

“I see. So you need a place to stay at?”

Just when I was about to reply Minhyuk opened the front door with another guy, probably Jooheon, in tow. I couldn't see him but I would have recognized that laugh anywhere. “I-I can leave again if this is a burden, I just wanted to ask, because I don't know many people around here and-”

“ _Hyungwon_?” I licked my lips and my eyes darted towards Minhyuk who was standing at the door to the living room with big eyes. “You're here?”

I bit my lip and glanced at Shownu every two words. “Looks like it. But I can leave if it's a probl-”  
“Woah, stop right there. There isn't any problem”, the oldest assured and I returned my eyes to Minhyuk who was practically radiating light with his smile.

“You changed your mind?”

“I was forced to”, I mumbled and the white-haired guy walked up to me, bouncing up and down, but I noticed the way he stopped himself about a step's length away from me. _Giving me space all of a sudden?_

“The circumstances aren't important anyway”, he waved my statement off and when another person moved into my field of vision I felt my motivation sink.

Jooheon was staring at me from the living room, pushing his drenched fringe back with one hand. No, wait, he was _glaring_ at me from his narrowed eyes. “H-hello”, I managed to say, but when he didn't move I mustered up all of the social strength I (didn't) possess to walk up to him and bow my head. “I'm Chae Hyungwon. I didn't introduce myself properly last time.”

The slightly red-haired guy huffed with a raised eyebrow. “I know your name. We _all_ know it. You're going to stay here?”, he asked with some gruff tone to his voice and I stumbled over my words for a moment, my mouth drying up.

“Looks like it, yes.” We both glanced back at Shownu who nodded with a shrug and Jooheon made his body relax with a sigh.

“Don't cause any problems.”

“I won't, I promise”, I retorted and turned towards Shownu again. “Anything else I can help with?” But he just shook his head and told me to sit down while Jooheon snorted once more before walking upstairs, probably to his room, and slamming some door shut. Just then, Wonho came back into the living room after having changed into something more comfortable.

“Why is he being like this, it's no big deal”, he mumbled with a roll of his eyes.

“I don't even know, he should stop being defensive.” Shownu muttered while heating a pot on a gas stove. “Wonho, no.”

I watched in amusement as said male withdrew the hand that was about to snatch a slice of pepper with a pout. “I'm sure Hyungwon had some too.”

“Don't make me laugh”, Shownu retorted and the two of them started bickering like an old married couple.

After I had stood in the middle of the room for another ten seconds, a grinning Minhyuk positioned himself opposite of me, about half a meter away. “So, you're moving in?”

“Slow down there”, I huffed with a roll of my eyes. “I don't have a place to stay at since the station is flooded, that's all.”

“That's theoretically the same.”

“But not practically”, I retorted once more with a sigh when his eyes didn't leave my face for even just a second. “Could you please stop boring holes into my skull?”

“Nope.”

“Minhyuk, don't be impolite. Really, that's why we never have any visitors, this house's inhabitants are one rude mess”, Shownu could be heard ranting from the kitchen and I barely managed to suppress a dry chuckle.

“He's _my_ guest”, Minhyuk answered.

“Well, technically since I'm the one to have let him in he's mine”, the oldest retorted once more, but Minhyuk had none of that and a grin lifted the corners of my mouth, just high enough for the other guy to notice.

“Sadist. Smiling when I'm suffering”, he pouted, but I just shrugged, sitting down at the big table I assumed to be the dining one.

“Let's just say I'm your guest to have you shut up.” Minhyuk grinned as he took the chair opposite to mine. Just before he could say anything else, Wonho came in with a pile of bowls and started placing them on the table as my eyes followed him with a slight frown. _Five, six....seven?_

“I haven't met all of your friends yet?”, I asked, but Minhyuk waved it off.

“Sometimes they come home, sometimes they don't, but you're likely to meet them later.”

“Why today?”

“Why? Yeah, I wonder why it's always the Mondays.” As I was tired of him talking in riddles, I watched when Shownu placed a steaming pot of meat and vegetables on the table without questioning Minhyuk's statement any further and everybody settled around it to eat.

I spent dinnertime in silence, well aware of the fact that Jooheon was staring me down from the seat that was the furthest away from me while Minhyuk and Wonho chattered nonchalantly about what had happened that day and Shownu listened, uttering a comment from time to time. It was weird sitting amongst them. The atmosphere was warm and calming, as if they were a family that came together to talk about everything they had on their minds without anything to hide. I felt out of place, a bit like an intruder.

“Did you bring a new ration?”, Minyhuk asked at some point and Shownu pointed at the white plastic bag he had with him when waking me up before.

“It's a bit more than last time like you asked. Are they getting greedy?”

Minhyuk shook his head and glanced at the window. “Nah, I just thought I could maybe get a good price for extras.” I didn't need to ask to know that they were talking about Delphinium and the Wednesday meetings, looking back at the bag once more. So Shownu brought them home and Minhyuk just sold them? Where did he get them from? And if Minhyuk was addicted himself when did he take what he needed? How much did _they_ pay for it before selling part of the flowers to others? _You could just ask, you know?_

“What about you, Hyungwon?”

“Huh?” I stopped poking my food to raise my gaze, being stared at by four pairs of eyes all of a sudden. “What do you mean?”

Shownu gave me a reassuring smile and Minhyuk pointed his spoon at me. “Your day. Anything special?”

“I- U-uhm...” I was taken aback by this question, stumbling over my words for a second before sighing. “Well, not really. All I did after having gone back with you was sitting in a flooded subway station, finding out that I was homeless again before coming to your house where Shownu found me...”

A short silence emitted and I shrunk on my seat before Wonho clicked his tongue. “He's right, nothing spectacular, just depressing. Moving on!” The other three seemed to agree and fell back into their normal conversation patterns from before, leaving me quiet and dumbfounded again. Though they were interested they wouldn't pressure me to tell them anything I didn't want to, not even Jooheon I guessed, and that was more considerate of them than I had hoped for.

After another ten minutes of being lost in my own thoughts without finding an answer to any of my questions, a loud knock was heard from the door and Jooheon sighed while getting up. “Don't tell me they forgot again.” He opened the front door and flicked whoever stood there on the forehead. “Idiots! If you keep forgetting your keys I'll let you starve in front of our house one day!”, he scolded them and was answered by two quiet 'sorry's when two guys walked in and it took me a second to get who it was.

The monotone clunk of crutches sounded through the house and there was no doubt anymore. “Ki...hyun?”, I asked in disbelief and said guy stopped with a sound of surprise.

“Hyungwon? What are you doing here?”

“They weren't even here and still know his name, great”, Jooheon groaned, but nobody cared to react to it as Minhyuk just glanced at Kihyun and back at me.

“Kihyun and Changkyun, how do you know him?”

“Ah!” The second guy that had come in facepalmed before pointing at me. “I remember! The guy who helped Kihyun carry the groceries!” I nodded, not knowing what else to reply to that and turned to glance at Wonho instead. _So that's where I had heard this name before._ It all made sense and I huffed at the fact that I actually knew another of Minhyuk's housemates in disbelief.

“Now that makes things easier”, Shownu concluded and Wonho nodded in agreement. “Hyungwon stays over for now since his place is flooded.”

“Nice, another big bro to buy me food!”, Changkyun exclaimed, throwing his fist in the air and Kihyun chuckled while the other guys tried not to roll their eyes.

“In your dreams, little one. Speaking of dreams”, Minhyuk retorted and drew himself up before smiling at me. “Let's show you your room, shall we?”

I blinked in confusion. “Room? What about the couch?”

It was Jooheon's turn to chuckle. “Yeah, let him sleep there, fine with me-”

“Jooheon.” The warning tone in Shownu's voice made him stop with a huff while Wonho clicked his tongue and just observed the situation like a hawk.

“Bullshit”, Minhyuk said then and rounded the table to pull me up by my sleeve. “We just couldn't heave you up the stairs last time, of course you get a bed. Come on!” I tried to stop him and glanced back to see the others' reactions who just shrugged or, like Jooheon, didn't watch us at all, which is why I was mercilessly dragged out of the room and up the wooden staircase. “There you go!”

We stopped in front of the door that was the furthest down the corridor and Minhyuk opened it to reveal a small room with a bed and a cupboard. Through the big window you could see a street, but I couldn't make out any more details since it had gotten dark without even a ray of moonlight breaking past the gray clouds. “The sun is rising over there”, Minhyuk explained as he entered the room and pointed in some direction I didn't pay attention to. “There are several things in the cupboard, but we'll take care of that tomorrow to give you some more space to use for yourself. What's wrong with you? Don't just stand there, come in!”

I let my eyes dart around the room as I took step inside. “Whose room is this?”

“Yours?”, Minhyuk replied with a frown but I shook my head.

“There aren't enough beds for all of you here, I can't just take up this whole room when some of you don't even have a bed.”

He needed a moment to progress what I had said but then laughed out loud. “No, you got that wrong. The only people that are always here are Wonho, Shownu and myself. The others come and go as they please, sometimes sleeping over and sometimes not, so there's no problem at all!”, he exclaimed and patted my shoulder in a reassuring manner, but I could just eye him skeptically.

“Seriously, shouldn't I just sleep downstairs? If one of the other guys wants to stay over-”

“Kihyun and Changkyun sleep in Wonho's room anyway and Jooheon stays with Shownu most of the time, really, just take this room and shut up.” He seemed to hesitate to contemplate something, but only for a moment. “This is my decision and I can do what I want”, Minhyuk continued when his smile turned into a teasing smirk. He stepped closer to me and moved his hand to grab the strings of my borrowed shirt's hood, pulling me closer. “Right, Hyungwon? Since you're _my_ guest I can do what I want to make your stay more comfortable, can't I?”

His face was about fifteen centimeters away from mine, invading my space as he tried to move even closer. I tried to pull back, my nails digging into the palms of my hands, but Minhyuk's grip on the chords was made of iron and I licked my lips when my breath got quicker. “Let go.” Was that hoarse whisper really my own voice? _Please let go. I'm sorry!_

Ten centimeters. Minhyuk's gaze darted across my face before resting on my eyes as if he expected to find answers to questions I didn't know about yet in there. It was weird, he was behaving differently and it made me remember them. Remember _those_ times. _Let me go. I didn't mean to!_ I clenched my own eyes shut for a moment. “I said let go.” There was a slight crack to my voice and I let out a pant while grabbing his wrists and this time, Minhyuk loosened his grasp, letting me push him away just a bit. It took me a moment to calm my breathing, eyes lowered to the ground and hands trembling. The air was filled with tension and awkwardness and I struggled to find any words which is why I settled with a whispered 'sorry'.

Minhyuk on the other hand simply stared at my hands that were still pushing against his chest to keep him away from me. “If only you would tell me what causes this reaction”, he mumbled and grazed my fingers just to have me pull them back in a hurry as if he had burned me.

“I can't.” The tone of my voice was harsher than I wanted it to be and I raised my gaze to apologize again when I saw Minhyuk's eyes on me, not filled with disappointment or pain, but pity. Like he was watching a wounded animal struggle.

He raised his hand as if to pat my back, but stopped before lowering it again to refrain from touching me. “Locking everything away can't be the solution. I hope that one day you will tell me. Tell anyone”, he mumbled before pushing past me and out of the room to join the others downstairs, leaving me alone in the four walls I could call my own for the night.

I clenched my hands into fists to make them stop trembling and sat down on the bed that creaked a bit under my weight. There still was the silent pattering of rain drumming against the window from the outside, mirroring my sudden mood drop. I let my fingers brush my left side with a sigh absentmindedly.

“If only I could.”

 

________________

 

 

After having left Hyungwon on his own, I leaned against the wall in the corridor to collect my thoughts. I found neither Changkyun nor Wonho eavesdropping by the door and that assured me of the fact that the others hadn't pried. I took a deep breath.

_Chae Hyungwon is afraid of being touched. The closer you get, the worse his state becomes._ What was this about? He got all clingy when he was high, but as it was just a moment ago he was distancing himself from whoever even tried to show that he cared. I recalled the look in his eyes: Sheer and unconcealed panic mixed with a bit of fear. Had he been harassed in the past? By whom? His parents? His friends?

The mystery remained unsolved for now, but I got one step closer to finding it and thus one step closer to Chae Hyungwon. Literally.

Once I headed for the living room again, the chatter of the others subsided and they looked at me instead. I figured that even if they hadn't been eavesdropping they had probably been talking about Hyungwon. “So?”, I asked and they frowned back at me in confusion.

“Huh?”

“What do you want to ask? I can tell there's something.”

Changkyun hesitated before giving me a carefree shrug. “We were just wondering whether we should continue as always or be considerate and move today's plans to Thursday.”

I cocked my head to the side and looked at each of them for a brief second. “You'd push _that_ back because we have a guest?”

“I wouldn't”, Jooheon mentioned but was silenced by Shownu's glare.

“Like Changkyun said, we were just trying to be considerate.”

I bit my lip. If we continued as always shit was about to go down with Hyungwon, but it would have been unfair to the others if I insisted on delaying it. Then suddenly, I thought that it would actually be much more convenient if I were to confront him with the drug on a small scale rather than having to take care of him with thirty other people around. _He'll take it sooner or later, there's nothing I can do about it_ , I thought with a look of uncertainty flashing on my face. _Maybe he'll tell me then?_ “Let's continue as planned.”

Even Jooheon seemed surprised at that, but a smirk curled his lips upward. “Fine with me.”

“Are you sure?”, Shownu asked again, but I just nodded.

My fingers itched in anticipation of the bittersweet taste. “It's better that way. Let's just get things ready first and have him join us then.”

 

________________

 

 

Five minutes passed. I thought about him. I thought about _them_.

Ten minutes passed. I thought about my cursed future.

After twenty minutes, I heard someone walk up the stairs and turned my head lazily to find Wonho peeking into my room. “Hey Hyungwon.”

“Hi.”

He inhaled slowly, scratching the back of his neck as he came in while I sat up. “We were just about to- I mean, you might want to come downstairs again. I-If you're not too tired that is.”

My expression turned into a frown when I saw him that uncertain. The Wonho I got to know a few days ago was brash, flirty and confident and I pushed my depressing thoughts to a corner of my mind where I wouldn't find them. “Why? Did something happen?”

My opponent smirked a little and shook his head before signalizing me to stand up by nodding at the door. “No, but it's _about_ to happen. You're kind of lucky you came here on Monday.” My frown deepened, but I still followed him to the entry area and past a door I hadn't really noticed before to be greeted by a small garden. We were at the back of the house?

My bare feet sunk into the muddy grass and I hurried to keep up with Wonho who entered something like a large semi-transparent tent that took up ninety percent of the ground. The rain was quietly pattering against the big thing. “What's that for?”

Wonho grinned back at me with a glint in his eyes I couldn't classify. “Come in and see for yourself.”

And what I saw surprised me. Though I shouldn't probably have been. _Sweet, yet bitter_. The scent of Delphinium reached my nose and I scratched my hand. The tent I was in was interesting, but I didn't know what purpose it served since all it did was make the outside look all blurry. The ground in there was dry, soft blades of grass tickling my feet as I walked in with Wonho.

There were the other guys seated in a circle, Jooheon on a little pedestal closer to the small fire pit in the middle. Fire pit? Yes, there was a small ring of stones around a few burning twigs just enough to create a flame. _Or to cook drugs on them_ , I added for myself and watched the others.

They were all looking at me except for Minhyuk whose eyes were glued to the flower he kept twisting between his thumb and index finger. After what he had done before I wasn't keen on meeting that gaze either so it was more than fine. “Sit down”, Wonho whispered and we both joined the small circle with me sitting between him and Minhyuk.

“What's going on?”, I managed to ask more or less innocently and Kihyun nudged my foot with the crutch he had by his side.

“I was told you were high as fuck when you first came here.” The itch got worse and I kept grazing my nails over the back of my hand with a nod. Kihyun smiled brightly. “Care to repeat that?”

My heart skipped a beat and I froze when the realization sank in. _Repeat that. Repeat that as in: have some more?_ Wow, I had waited for this opportunity to come and this was the time. I could forget about each and every of the things bothering me and keeping me awake at night. I could finally say good-bye to the nightmares. I could stop running from them!

 _But.._. I looked at Minhyuk to my right whose white hair fell above his eyes making it impossible for me to catch a glimpse of them. Yet I knew he was agitated, almost anxious. He had stopped twisting the blue plant with slightly trembling fingers, taking barely controlled breaths. He was listening, but did nothing to stop me. It was all up to me. _Then so be it._ “Yeah, I guess.”

Shownu nodded, but bit his lip before speaking up with his gaze directed at me. “And you're sure?”

I shrugged with a slow nod. “Quite sure.”

“You know, _quite_ isn't very promising”, Minhyuk snapped without daring to look at me, but Changkyun spoke up before I could reconsider.  
“You're not very promising either, it'll be fine.”

Minhyuk clenched the hand that was holding the flower until its fragile stem broke with a quiet 'crack'. “I'm just trying to help.”

“Doesn't look like he needs it”, Wonho commented and Jooheon hissed impatiently while passing a small bowl over to me.

“Please, could we just move on? You take it or you don't? Don't want to spend all night out here.”

I recognized the blue liquid like its smell and lost myself in the blue reflections its surface created while taking it from my ill-humored opponent. _It all depends on this_ , I thought as I looked at the others' anticipating eyes once more. _It's either heaven or hell now. It looks like heaven to them, right?_

Maybe my decision was a bit rushed. Maybe I should have thought about it for a little longer. Maybe I should have been more responsible. _But what could possibly happen?_ Without pondering on which outcome was the more probable one for me, I let the liquid flow past my lips. _Even if it's hell, I'll take it._

My whole body felt like it was burning up in a matter of seconds and I suppressed the urge to pant while every inch of skin was itching, but the feeling subsided after only a few heartbeats.

And then?

I was void of any feelings.

For the first time in forever, I felt absolutely _nothing_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He felt nothing he says. Ha.


	4. Time never plays fair

It's not like I was surprised that he took it. He had made clear how much he wanted to forget and it was a decision I had to respect. Plus, I was the one to tell the others to have him join us. But sitting there, right next to him, I had to muster up all of my self restraint not to rip the bowl out of his grasp and yell at him for how stupid he was being. _It's too late anyway. Let's just hope he takes it well, shall we?_

I glanced up when Hyungwon passed the pot over to Wonho who took a sip for himself before having it continue its round. Every other week I would wait impatiently for the bowl to reach my own hands, but today I could only focus on Hyungwon. His eyes were clenched shut for a moment, tiny drops of sweat forming on his forehead before his face relaxed and a tiny smile worked up its way to his lips.

_Here we go._ “Hyungwon, how do you feel?”, I asked quietly enough so that the others didn't hear. My opponent turned his head towards me, only now opening his eyes as if he had been awoken from a deep slumber. His eyes were clouded, pupils dilated to the point where they almost made up the whole iris, but they didn't flicker or dart around the room, no. They were fixed on mine.

“Minhyuk.” His voice was the same and I thought for a second that maybe, _maybe_ , the other time he had had a taste of Delphinium he had simply overreacted due to the new feeling. But then, he leaned closer until his head was right next to mine, his voice nothing but a whisper. “Lee Minhyuk.”

I suppressed a shiver and softly pushed him back. “I asked you how you're feeling, not what my name is.”

Kihyun passed me the bowl of Delphinium, but I placed it on the ground right in front of my feet for the moment. “Currently, I'm not.”

“Excuse me?”, I returned my attention to Hyungwon who just shrugged with a smile. He looked good when he smiled, he should do it more often.

“I'm not feeling in any particular way. No fear. No worries. I'm...weightless.”

“But you're smiling, aren't you? Then you must be happy”, I reasoned carefully and his facial expression turned into a surprised one before he went back to smiling.

“That's because of you.”

“Me?” My eyebrows raised as Hyungwon's smile only grew wider, but was unable to give me a reply since Wonho decided to interrupt us by resting his chin on our guest's shoulder. It was something he frequently did even if he wasn't high.

“You are quite handsome Hyungwon, did I tell you that before?”, he purred and I swallowed with my eyes darting around the tent while everybody began loosening up by the influence of the drug. Out of the six of us, nobody would go through a big shift in demeanor, we would just be a little over the top, maybe do some stupid stuff and that was that, which is why I wasn't that worried about Hyungwon getting into trouble. But childish Hyungwon and overly flirty Wonho? Something about that just didn't sit right with me.

“No, you didn't”, Hyungwon chuckled while Wonho lazily threw an arm around him to pull him a bit closer. And much to my dismay, Hyungwon didn't do anything about it.

“Well you sure as hell are.” The older male snuggled up to the other's neck a bit.

I closed my eyes for a brief moment. _Why don't you just take your fair share and stop worrying about stuff that doesn't even concern you in any way? Sounds good, doesn't it?_ _He's a grown man, he can do whatever he wants._

A sigh escaped my lips while Changkyun's and Kihyun's laughter filled the tent about some story Jooheon had shared with them. _See? Just like them. Relax, you did this before._ I nodded to myself and picked up the bowl, ready to take a sip when Hyungwon's hand grabbed my sleeve to get my attention. “What is it?”

“I wanted to thank you.” He looked at me with warm eyes and an honest smile on his lips as he freed himself from Wonho and shuffled a bit closer to me. “For letting me stay over.”

I couldn't help smiling back at those words, putting the bowl down again. “You can stay as long as you want to, you know?”

“That's what you say _now_ ”, he mumbled with a sigh and I frowned at his intonation.

“That's what I'll _always_ say. If there's anyone struggling with their home they can come to us.”

Hyungwon stared at me for another two seconds before deciding to lie down with his head resting on my thigh. “But BTS abandoned me too.”

“I'm not BTS.” I resisted the urge to run my hand through his hair like I would with the others and bit my lip instead. “Though I don't think they really did. You said the subway station was flooded, right? They probably didn't have a choice.”

Hyungwon shook his head just a bit with his eyes closed. “You should have seen Namjoon. He said he was sorry, but I could see he hadn't even thought about me until he saw me sitting there. But you know what made it hurt more?” He opened his eyes again and looked at me with a glint of hurt in them. “I thought I could belong to them.”

He wanted to have someone who would catch him, help him and take care of things with him. Someone he could trust. I stopped holding back and ran my fingers through his blond hair with dark roots. I'd have to make him change the color the next day, it looked horrible like that. _Focus._ “Tell me something about your family.”

“Like what?”

I raised my shoulders a bit. “I don't know; anything. Do you have any siblings?”

“No”, came his tensed answer and I stopped, but since he relaxed again on the spot, I thought I might just have imagined it. “I'm an only child, what about you?”

“Same here.” I let myself listen to the sound of raindrops colliding with the tent's plastic surface for a moment and took a deep breath. _As far as I can remember._ “Then what about your parents?”

Hyungwon raised his index finger and began drawing patterns only he could see in the air in concentration. “I don't belong with them. At least not anymore.”

Something about that statement caused me to feel sorry for him and I kept combing his hair with my fingers, not daring to even glance at the bowl of Delphinium to my feet. My body began to tremble a bit, waiting for me to finally take the drug. “You belong with _someone_ , I promise”, I mumbled absentmindedly when Changkyun nudged my foot with a bright smile, laughing at something I hadn't heard.

“What if I don't find them? I've been mistaken twice already”, he whined with a pout.

_What a strange question, of course he'll find them_ , I thought before furrowing my eyebrows.  _Twice? BTS and...?_ “When was your first time being mistaken?”

He groaned and puffed his cheeks when I stopped moving my hand once more. “A while ago. Don't know when it started.”

“Who was that person?” Maybe I could find out about his past if I asked the right questions. Maybe I could keep his story in case he forgot about it.

But Hyungwon just shifted a bit with another groan. “Someone I don't want to think about. It got to the point where I'm wondering if I even have that thing everybody talks about. That place you're destined to be at.”

The tone of his voice made my heart ache. I knew about Wonho, Shownu and Jooheon, all of them having different stories, but none seemed to have had an impact so big that they would take away all of their hope.  _The place you're destined to be at? I wonder._ When I let my gaze wander for a brief moment, I caught Shownu looking at us with a calm smile, but he already looked away the next moment, making it impossible for me to understand that expression of his.

I directed my attention towards the guy that had his head rest on my thigh with a grin. “Chae Hyungwon?”

“What is it, Lee Minhyuk?”

I resisted the urge to huff and started stroking his head again. “This might sound stupid, but what do you think about making a deal? It's really simple, listen: Trust me and I'll trust you. Only until you find that place you're talking about. The one you're destined to be at. Seems fair, right?”

He frowned at me. “What has that got to do with anything we said before?”

“Well, if you don't want to be able to trust anyone in this world we can just-”

“No, I want to! I want to!”, he interrupted me with a pleading look on his face as he reached out with his hand. “Trust for trust!”

I smirked at this sudden agitation and took his hand to seal our little contract. “Alright. Now you belong with us, _me_ to be exact _._ Don't you dare leaving anytime soon, understood? Because you can trust me from now on.”

He nodded before making himself more comfortable on my thigh. “Sounds like a promise to me.”

“Us only children need to stick together after all, don't you think?”, I retorted and he licked his lips before replying with a quiet hum.

“Minhyuk?”

“Yeah?”

“I've got work at eleven tomorrow. Make sure I don't miss that, would you?”

_Where did that thought come from?_ But it was good to see he remembered something about his duties after all so I couldn't say no. “Sure, I guess?”

I may have seemed calm and composed, but my mind was practically steaming. I had just made my first promise in four whole years. Two in number to be exact. _Was that a good choice? Probably not_.

But before I could regret anything I decided that this was where my sober evening ended.

The liquid had cooled down by now, but that didn't change its effect and I raised the bowl to my lips with a deep breath. “Trust for trust”, I mumbled and took a sip of the drug my body needed so desperately.

 

A whole night that could have been filled with memories: Lost again.

 

Waking up, I wanted to go back to sleep right away. There was pain throbbing behind my eyes when daylight pierced them and I groaned, trying to turn away, but I somehow couldn't move my arm. _Is it numb?_ I tried not to panic. _What if I can't use it anymore, like Kihyun?_ After a few moments of just lying there and adjusting to the brightness of the day, I tried examining my arm which proved to be difficult given the fact that there was someone blocking my view by lying only twenty centimeters away from my face.

_Who is that,_ I wondered with a quiet yawn and it took me a moment to categorize the blond hair and dark roots: Hyungwon, sleeping soundly with his head resting on my arm and his hand tightly holding onto my sweater. I just couldn't move my arm because he was lying on top of it and sighed in relief. After another moment, the realization of him lying  _right next to me_ sank in and my eyes widened when I suppressed the urge to pull away in surprise.  _I need to get away from him before he wakes up or he'll have a heart attack_ , I thought, carefully craning my neck to have a look around.  _It's not like I just had one myself._

The others were still lying around the fire pit and I figured that they were fast asleep judging by Jooheon's and Wonho's quiet snoring. Shownu was missing. He would always be the first to get up since the flower didn't have as much of an effect on him as it did on us. Wonho was splayed in a star pattern, his leg thrown over Changkyun's while the latter slept close to Kihyun in silence. What time was it? Maybe nine in the morning, maybe ten.

There was nothing unusual about the scene except for the fact that I couldn't move my damn arm because of a certain guy that normally had chiraptophobia. I untangled Hyungwon's fingers from my sweater as gentle as I could, but he only shifted closer at that, making ten out of the twenty centimeters of distance and I let out a quiet shriek. After two more minutes I had somehow managed to pull my arm out from under his head and sighed when I could feel how my blood began to circulate again.

Standing up as quietly as I could I tiptoed out of the tent and trudged through a small part of swampy garden while the drizzle created little droplets in my hair and on my face, waking me up in no time. I pushed the door to our corridor open with another yawn and Shownu glanced at me from the living room with a smirk. “Morning.”

“Morning”, I replied and walked into the kitchen to make myself some cereal with milk. Yup, we still had milk here, which was kind of unusual for a group like ours. We were quite well off with our living standard, but four of us had jobs after all while the two others, well, they stole whatever they couldn't afford to contribute to our income. We had somehow found our place in this house and I felt comfortable with the way I lived, no matter what political circumstances we had to deal with.

After having munched my breakfast in silence for maybe three minutes, Shownu put away the newspaper he had been reading. “I don't quite understand Hyungwon yet.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “What do you mean?”

“He's the complete opposite of his usual self when high. That doesn't normally happen, the drug only intensifies our behavior, what is this guy?”

I chuckled in helplessness. “Tell me once you know an answer to that. He's a complete mystery to me.” _I've got to work at eleven tomorrow_ , his voice echoed in my mind and I suppressed the urge to grin at his kind of stupid behavior while glancing at the clock.

“You like him.”

My spoon made a loud clunking noise when I dropped it into the bowl to stare at Shownu. “Like him?”

“When was the last time you didn't take your dose without consideration?”

I bit my lip and thought back to last evening when our newcomer's head had been heavy resting on my lap. “I took it in the end.”

“You know what I mean”, he kept digging and I placed my breakfast on the table.

“He doesn't let much information slip about his past. His personality did a complete turn and yet that one part I'm curious about remains locked inside of him.”

Shownu huffed and stretched his back with a yawn. “Give him some time, he's still not comfortable with any of us. It's only normal, why are you making a fuss over that?”

I ran a hand through my hair with a sigh. “You said it yourself the other day: I want him to keep his memories to make up for the loss of mine. That's got nothing to do with liking or not liking someone, it's plain redemption.”

“So you're just using him?”, he asked and I stopped, lowering my eyes to the ground. _Am I?_

A door opened in the corridor and after a few moments Jooheon came in sight. “Man I feel good”, was all he said before stretching his back like a cat and grabbing the rest of my breakfast.

“Yah-”

“Shut up, you wouldn't have eaten that anyway”, he argued and I puffed my cheeks, leaning back on the sofa as Jooheon licked his lips while raising the spoon to his mouth. The three of us then fell back into silence, the talk with Shownu still weighing me down.

The only valid reason for me to keep helping Hyungwon was to clear my conscience, nothing else.  _You like him_ , the oldest's words echoed in my head, but it was plain stupid. Why should I like a stranger, I literally didn't know anything about him apart from his name.  _His_ full _name, if I may add that._ It didn't make sense.

_Right, it doesn't make sense._

 

________________

 

 

The hours of sleep I had were the most relaxing ones in days. I didn't have a nightmare, no dream at all to be honest, and my body felt light, my mind completely at ease. Yet, I knew that I had been sleeping for  _too_ long before I had even opened my eyes. There was no rain to be heard and the sun was shining from right above me, suggesting that it was noon.  _Sun? Noon?!_

My eyes shot open – a terrible mistake – and I sat up in a hurry, trying to find out where I was while blinking furiously. My hands supported my body, resting on a soft patch of grass.  _Grass_ . Though there was nobody around and it all looked different during daytime, I recognized the small pit in the middle as the one we had sat around the evening before. 

_The evening I did drugs for the first time_. Given the fact that I couldn't remember a thing about what I had said or done, it was weird how good I felt. There was neither a headache nor did I feel unwell in any way. I was just at ease. “Where are the others?”, I mumbled as I pushed myself to my feet, carefully taking one step after the other while trying not to trip.

I glanced at my watch, seeing that it really was a quarter to twelve. “I should have left the station for work an hour ago”, I concluded in shock and my heart skipped a beat. Did I say I was at ease? Scratch that, I panicked. Even though Minhyuk's house was closer to the store I would still be over fourty-five minutes late even if I left right now.  _I hope my boss won't be mad_ , I prayed before pushing the door to the house open.

“Minhyuk?”, I asked loudly, but not a thing could be heard. “Shownu? Wonho?” Silence. There was nothing signalizing me that there was anybody in the house and my eyes darted around the room before landing on a batch of notepads. After hastily scribbling something down I ran out of the house, slamming the door shut behind me. _I have to get to the store as fast as possible_ , I thought while speeding past a few houses, hoping not to get lost.

Now, I know what you're probably thinking: You had Delphinium less than twenty-four hours ago and all you're concerned about is being late for work? The answer is yes, because I literally felt  _no_ difference to any other day. I had slept well, but should I have been worried about that? No, probably not. 

Should I have been worried about what had happened while I was high? Maybe.

Did I still remember everything about my current situation? Much to my dislike, I did. Maybe it would just take a few more doses for me to forget, who knows? And even if I would never forget about it, being able to sleep in peace for once made this whole thing worth it.

I stopped in front of the convenience store, trying to find the keys in my pocket when I noticed that the store's sign showed a green 'open'. My boss said he wouldn't come in the morning, had I missed out on something? I pushed the doors open with a deep breath while scratching my arm and was just in time to hear someone utter a cheerful, “Have a nice day, miss!”

_What-_ Walking further into the store, I came across an older lady, giving her a slight bow before spotting a familiar face at the counter.  _How-_ “Oh, Hyungwon! Good morning, good to see you awake!”, the white-haired boy shouted with a bright grin while waving at me and I frowned.

“What are you doing here and how did you even-”

“Dude, I can't find where this stuff belongs, can't we just switch places?” Another person walked in from the back with a bunch of cans in his hand.

“No way, if I leave you here you'll steal everything”, Minhyuk said as a matter of fact, rolling his eyes.

“That's stupid, why am I even doing this?”, the other male retorted with a huff and I finally found my voice again.

“Changkyun?”

The boy turned towards me with a relieved sigh. “Hyungwon! Finally! I swear this guy here”, he pointed at Minhyuk to his left, “wouldn't let me have breakfast in peace saying something about having to replace you at work.” After shooting the older male a glare he looked back at me. “Help me get out of here.”

“Ungrateful brat!”, the other scolded him right away, slapping his arm in semi-pretended anger before shoving him towards the glass doors with a scoff. “Then go! Go and do your immoral stuff, idiot.” Changkyun glanced at me once more before nodding and slowly turning around. “Stop. Give me the can”, Minhyuk demanded, holding out his hand until the youngest bit his lip and placed a can of curry in it before running off with a smirk on his face.

All of this happened so fast I didn't even have time to react. “Minhyuk?”

Said man placed the can back on the rack where it belonged. “I know, I know, I'm still working on developing his conscience, but he's been getting more bearable recently.”

“Minhyuk.”

“We put the newly arrived stuff over there and there have been nine customers since we opened, you didn't miss out on a lot-”

“Minhyuk!” He finally stopped talking at my raised voice and watched me with big eyes, head cocked to the side and lips slightly parted. I positioned myself between him and the entrance, arms crossed as I raised an eyebrow at him. “How the fuck did you get in?”

My opponent shrugged with a grin. “I promised to help you so that you wouldn't miss out on work today, you don't remember?”

I carefully shook my head with a deepening frown and didn't miss out on the short change in his eyes though I couldn't put my finger on the emotion behind it. “Why didn't you just wake me up? And didn't you say you didn't make promises?”

Minhyuk put it off with a roll of his eyes, throwing me a bunch of keys I recognized as mine with a clinking sound. “I couldn't wake you up, so I snatched your keys and did your job. Be grateful.” Something about him saying that he had promised me didn't sit right with me. Why would he go out of his way for something as mundane as my work, it didn't make sense at all.

My heart skipped a beat when I feared that I might have told him something. Something that should have remained secret. “What did we talk about yesterday?”, I asked calmly after swallowing and drawing a deep breath.

“Oh, this and that”, he mumbled absentmindedly, letting his gaze wander around the store, but I only grabbed his wrist.

“Seriously, what did I say?”

Minhyuk's eyes widened, darting down to his wrist and back up again. “You said you mustn't miss work, really”, he assured me, but I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Any other promises I should know about?” He kept staring and gave me a slow nod. “What did I say?”

“We promised to trust each other.” My breath got stuck in my throat for a split second, but I was quick to mask it and let go of my opponent's wrist.

“Trust”, I repeated just to make sure and Minhyuk nodded once again.

“So you had better tell me about everything that's bothering you soon”, he stated with a raised eyebrow, but I huffed.

“We'll see about that. Get going, I'm sure you've got other stuff to do.”

“Actually I don't. My next stop is at Seventeen's tomorrow.”

My eyes scanned the store's racks for a while, but there wasn't a thing out of place. “Your 'next stop'? Are you really just selling drugs to gangs who don't know any better to make a living?” _He's a dealer. He isn't worth your trust, is he?_ Still, Changkyun and Minhyuk had done a good job, everything looked fine. The latter sighed and went to sit on the counter like he had done before.

“That sounds harsher than it should, coming from you.”

I felt myself getting somewhat mad at his nonchalant attitude. I turned away from him and went to fill up the shelves Changkyun had missed out on, keeping myself busy. “Why? Because it's true? Don't tell me you didn't have a choice but to sell them, there must have been other options”, I asked and it remained silent behind me for a few moments. “What I've always been told is that drug dealers are just people who want to watch others suffer along with them. Do my words hurt your pride as a dealer? You're so quiet.”

“Yeah, they do.” I stopped, glancing over my shoulder to be confronted with a pair of dark clouded eyes that were staring at the ground and a severe case of a frown. Minhyuk dug his nails into the wooden counter's surface without him seeming to even notice and his feet had stopped swaying back and forth.

As he remained that way for longer than expected, I figured I might have gone too far and clicked my tongue, walking up to him. “Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.”

“Right, you shouldn't have.” Minhyuk didn't meet my gaze, watching a few people walking around outside that were probably going to work. He fell silent again and I took a deep breath before stepping closer, my legs touching his knees. This was closer than I wanted to be, but I somehow couldn't stop myself.

I felt reckless, first getting mad at him and then feeling bad, giving up a part of my comfort zone. It was as if I couldn't hide my feelings as well as before, I had to utter them all of a sudden. Was this a side-effect of the flower? Minhyuk seemed to notice my unusual behavior too because he tensed up and for a moment his eyes darted at mine. “You see, I don't know why I'm saying stuff like this-”

“I just don't get what makes you different from me”, he interrupted me with a disbelieving shake of his head. “You took that damn drug yourself, didn't you? How can you blame me? You don't know shit about me.”

_Trust for trust!_ Wasn't that my own voice? _Don't you dare leaving anytime soon_ , Minhyuk's replied. _You can trust me from now on._

_Trust me..._

_...Trust..._

When did we say that? Yesterday? I inhaled sharply when I saw the barely concealed pain in his eyes before I could think about what to do. _You don't know shit about me_. “I'm sorry, I-” The front door was pushed open and a customer came in sight when I craned my neck. _Our time is limited._

I grabbed Minhyuk's wrist once more to get him to look at me without actually knowing what I was going to say, it just happened without my consent. “Tell me about yourself then. Make me change my views.” It took him another four seconds before he huffed and pushed me away from him when he stood up, his wrist slipping from my fingers.

“You're not in your right mind”, he mumbled, “Chae Hyungwon wouldn't say that.” Something about that made me feel like a scolded puppy though I didn't know why. _Trust for trust!_ I blinked, trying to get my voice out of my head, and reached out for him again, but I was interrupted.

“Excuse me, I'd like to buy these”, the elderly man who had come in before handed me a bunch of cans and I glanced at Minhyuk who just stood there, a few meters away from me, with a masked expression.

I felt like my doings weren't my own but controlled by someone else with me only being an observer. I suddenly wanted to understand him, but there really was no reason for letting whatever he did or said get to me. It just wasn't like me at all to care about only briefly known acquaintances like this and we both knew that.

Something was not right and it had to be because of the flower. On the one hand, this 'not right' could be exactly what I needed. But on the other hand, maybe it would just smash the mask I had built myself to conceal my emotions and everything would have been in vain. All those years...

Minhyuk bit his lip, wanting to say something else, but in the end he just mouthed a silent 'see you later' before turning around and leaving the store without another word. It was then that I remembered the customer and cleared my throat in a hurry.

“S-sure, sir, just give me a second”, I replied, rounding the counter to take his cash.

 

Time was being unfair that day. No matter how often I glanced at my watch, the digits just wouldn't change any faster and when it was finally seven in the evening I let out a relieved sigh as I turned the shop's sign. Throughout the day, I kept wondering why I was suddenly interested in Minhyuk's past. Not that I wasn't curious before, but it wouldn't get to the point where I'd actually ask him about it. _It just has to be the flower_ , I repeated for the umpteenth time and finished cleaning up before leaving the store to be embraced by the dark evening.

It had started raining again and I pulled my hood over my grown-out blond hair with a sigh. When would these days of rainy weather finally end and be replaced by something more welcomed? I liked snow a lot, because it coated everything in a white blanket, burying all the garbage I saw whenever I was wandering the streets under little fragile snowflakes. I'd be waiting for these days, but for now, I'd have to go with thick raindrops and a cold wind soaking and tearing at my clothes.

After a good five minutes, something – or rather some _one_ – caught my eye. I hurriedly took a step back pressing myself against the wall in order not to be seen before trying to peek around the corner. “I told you there's only this much I can do”, a familiar voice said and I didn't have to think twice to conclude that it was Minhyuk.

“I didn't come all the way here for that kind of answer. There must be more where you get it from.” The other person said with a deep voice. Whoever it was, I had never seen him before and I swear I would have remembered anyone who was taller than me by half a head. He was dressed in black and with his hood pulled up I couldn't even make out the color of his hair as his back was turned to me. It would probably have been too dark to see anything anyway and I settled with only listening.

“I will come by on Thursday, like I promised. Once a week is all you get. It's not my fault if you use it up within three days”, Minhyuk insisted with a firm voice.

His opponent hissed. “It's just a damn flower, it can't be this hard to get more of it.” My mouth dried up and my eyes widened hearing these words. _This guy is another of his clients. I should have known._ But then again, why wouldn't Minhyuk grab this chance to sell more Delphinium? The strange man was definitely willing to pay the price, but his efforts were in vain when the dealer spoke up again.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but it actually _is_ hard”, he hissed. “Now get lost and tell them; I've got other stuff to do.” With these words, Minhyuk turned his back on the guy and marched towards the corner I was hiding at, causing me to pace back a few meters in a hurry before acting as if I was only now coming along.

The white-haired male tensed up at my appearance for a second, but kept walking towards me nonetheless, not even looking back to where I assumed his conversation partner to be. I slightly raised my hand with a nod. “Hi, wha- hey!” He suddenly grabbed my arm and dragged me into the direction I had just come from without a word, surrounded by some kind of angry aura and my voice lowered into an innocent whisper. “What's wrong?”

“Just follow me”, he snapped, obviously not happy about the discussion he didn't know I had coincidentally witnessed. His face showed a deep scowl and he definitely had no intention of telling me anything about the details. The person I was being dragged along by was not the Minhyuk I normally talked to – it was the cold and short-tempered person he became when it got down to business and it made me feel more than weird. This just wasn't like him.

I pulled my arm from his grasp with slightly clenched fists, but followed him after a moment of consideration. Being close to him was difficult again all of a sudden and he raised an eyebrow. “The after-effects have subsided?”

“A bit, I guess.” I swallowed with a shrug. “Say, Minhyuk-” His fiery eyes glanced back at me and from that moment I knew better than to ask him about what had happened as I could see how he was trying to calm down and maintain a cool image. I'd let him be for now. “Never mind.”

We walked in silence until we got to a smaller shop, maybe a third of my workplace's size. “What are we doing here?”

“You'll see.” Minhyuk took a deep breath right before he pushed the door open without a trace of his pissed expression from before to be found anymore. Instead, he put on a wide smile and I was wondering whether this smile was the same to him as the mask void of emotion _I_ used to keep my facial expressions in check on a daily basis. It didn't come to my mind before, but something about that expression of his was putting me off, it just didn't seem genuine anymore. Then again, what was the real Minhyuk like?

“Welcome!”, a male voice shouted out, bringing me back to the present.

Minhyuk left my side and practically ran up to the man at the counter I assumed to be the shop owner. “Hi old man, how are you?”

“Minhyuk? Fine of course. Don't tell me you already used the whole Delph-oh?” The man only then seemed to notice my presence and pressed his lips together in a hurry. Not having listened well, I didn't know that I was the reason for his sudden silence and just took in the store's looks. Its floor was made of dark wood as well as the racks, creating a comfortable and warm atmosphere as I inhaled the material's scent. “You brought a friend?”

“We took him in yesterday. Don't worry, he knows about everything and I promise he won't tell anyone”, Minhyuk insisted loudly, slapping my arm to get my attention and I bowed out of reflex.

“Nice to meet you”, I mumbled, wondering who this man was and why he was so friendly with my company.

But Minhyuk wasn't going to explain the matter any further and just leaned on the counter with a reproachful look at the man instead. “Used it _all_? Do you think we don't know our limits? That much in one day is impossible for seven guys unless you want to see us dead. Shownu wouldn't even allow that, I swear.”

The shop owner raised his hands in defense. “You never know. Then what do you need?” It was normal to see Minhyuk joking around, but the fact that they openly discussed a topic even I could easily recognize as illegal confused me. Who was that man?

“He just needs a change”, the white-haired male grabbed my sleeve to drag me to the back of the store, stopping right in front of a certain rack with a smirk. “Choose a color!”

It took me a moment to get what he was up to and I rolled my eyes, pushing the dialogue I had witnessed on the street before to the back of my head. “You can't be serious.” _That's what he dragged me here for?_

“You bet I am”, Minhyuk, now having returned to his carefree self, retorted with a firm nod.

“And here I thought it could be a serious issue.”

“Did you look into the mirror even once in the past three months? This _is_ a serious issue.”

“I tried to avoid that.” A snort escaped my opponent's lips and I scanned the rack with a sigh. “Something simple would be nice. How about really dark brown? You won't notice when it grows out”, I suggested and Minhyuk nodded with narrowed eyes before picking out one of the boxes.

“Then we'll take this one. Very well, let's go.” He threw a bill on the counter and the man took it with a disbelieving smirk.

“You guys are so conceited. Jooheon, Wonho and you. Almost nobody else from this area buys dye anymore, they just don't care about what their hair looks like, you know?”

Minhyuk clicked his tongue with a playful wink at the middle-aged man. “I can't let this catastrophe”, he pointed at me, “walk around any longer, I've endured it long enough.”

“I heard that”, I stated dryly, but none of the two men cared to react.

“If you ever stop selling dye make sure to reserve the last package of bleach for me.”

“Sure I will”, the man replied with another chuckle, giving out some change before the white-haired guy left for the door, frowning with his hand on the handle.

“And to make things clear: Jooheon is easily bored with his style and Wonho wouldn't be able to hunt down even half of his prey if it wasn't for that damn handsome golden hair of his, I swear. He'll be ruined once he stops dyeing it, so he has to be somewhat conceited, right?” ... _What did he just say?_

Again the man at the counter could only chuckle and I gave him a slight bow. “Thanks for the dye”, I muttered quietly before following Minhyuk out of the store. I had to look left and right before catching a glimpse of Minhyuk already rounding a corner and ran after him. “Yah, don't just leave like that!”, I shouted once I caught up, but he only grinned at me.

“I can't wait to try this out!”, he exclaimed and raised the small box of hair dye above his head which had me huff.

“You have _white_ hair, you could try any color you like.”

“But I love my _sugar hair_ , I wouldn't want it any other way”, he stated at that, shooting me a glance I couldn't quite classify. “That's what you'll always recognize me by! Doesn't it suit me well?”

I huffed with a roll of my eyes. “If that's what you want to think, sure.” When my opponent puffed his cheeks I could only sigh to ignore the urge to clench my fists. “Don't ask for my opinion, I don't know, okay?” Minhyuk's comment about Wonho came to my mind again and I thought about it for some time before carefully asking him about it. “So, Wonho's hair is ' _damn handsome_ '?”

He smiled at that. “You can't say he doesn't look stunning.” My eyebrows shot up in surprise and I felt my breath getting stuck in my throat, but Minhyuk just rolled with his eyes. “God, _no_ , stop giving me that look. Trust me, if you knew what he does to you you wouldn't _want_ to get involved with him in that way. I told you his side-effects belong to Lust, didn't I? Never a good choice.”

I suppressed the weird feeling in my gut that appeared when he put it off this lightly as if liking another guy was as natural as the sun rising everyday. _You disappoint me, Hyungwon_. “Wonho isn't limiting himself on flirting then?”, I tried to keep the conversation going without digging my nails into the palms of my hands.

My company let out a dry laugh before shooting me a knowing look. “That guy has basically done everything you can think of with everybody you can think of, that's for sure. It can be convenient though: give him a name and he'll find a connection somehow. His network is gigantic.” Minhyuk kicked an empty can with a shrug, sending it down the street with a loud noise. “He's having difficulties with settling with a single person, but that's his own problem.”

I frowned at that, wondering why Wonho preferred this way of living his life. “Sounds like he's trying to process some kind of frustration or trauma.”

Minhyuk cocked his head to the side with his expression mirroring mine. “Could be. Tell me about your analysis once he told you the details, he'll tell you whenever he's high anyway.”

“Really?”

“Don't get me started on how often I heard him tell an overly dramatized version of his past. He likes the way he lives, that's what he always says. He won't jump you at night though, so don't worry.”, he replied with a smirk and I suppressed a quiet chuckle. It might sound crazy, but it felt good to find out more about the people I spent my time with, no matter how suggestive the story. It made me wonder what they had experienced in the past to become the characters they proved to be today. _But sometimes it's better if the past remains hidden._

As he had nothing more to say, Minhyuk started humming some tune I didn't know, making it the only sound apart from the rain to be heard in the dimly lit street. Being left alone with my thoughts for the time being, I had to think of the strange guy with deep voice from before. Who was he and why would he come here if Minhyuk would stop by in a few days anyway? And then there was that shop owner who obviously seemed to know about both, the Delphinium and the six guys. These two people kept me busy until we reached the house so that I didn't even notice how I was standing right at the door without moving the slightest until Minhyuk threw me a towel to dry my hair.

“Earth to Hyungwon, you still alive? Now go to the bathroom, I want to get rid of that horrible sight you call hair”, he groaned with a roll of his eyes before impatiently pushing me up the stairs and I let it happen without a word of protest. I had grown tired of seeing the blond myself because I had kept it for over two years and it just brought back memories I didn't need anyway.

“Where are the others?”

“Work, school and business. They'll be back in half an hour or something like that.”

I sighed, sitting down on a chair in the bathroom. “Then let's get this over with.”

 

________________

 

 

“You know what's interesting?”, I asked curiously while making sure I had covered each and every hair with dye.

“Hm?”, Hyungwon hummed with his eyes closed, letting me do what had to be done – much to my surprise. I mean, not that I'd mind, but since when did Chae Hyungwon let me touch him without putting up a fight, even if it was just his hair? I took that as a good sign and watched the masterpiece I had created. Now we'd just have to wait for some time.

“It's strange that you don't ask about the old man from the shop after being _so_ desperate to get to know more about me in the morning.” Hyungwon's eyes shot open and I made sure to observe each and every change in them before he clenched them shut again.

“I thought you wouldn't bring that up”, he groaned, but I just sat down with my back leaning against the bathtub as I saw the way he dug his nails into his palms. _Uncomfortable with the topic. I knew it._ “It must have got something to do with the flower. I was overreacting for some more hours after discommoding you.” _Discommoding? Who even talks like that?_

“You're calling it overreacting, but that suggests that you actually meant it, am I right?” My opponent shifted in his seat with a deep breath, trying not to let his uncertainty show, but I had been waiting for something like this for some time now and it didn't go by unnoticed. “That man, the shop's owner, was Shownu's uncle.”

Hyungwon stopped with a frown and shot me a glance with a raised eyebrow. “His uncle?” I nodded. “I thought he might not have other family members anymore. Why is he not living with him then?”

“I don't know if I can get to Shownu's part of the story”, I replied with a shrug, “But let me tell you something about that shop owner and myself. That would be a start, wouldn't it?”, I continued and Hyungwon licked his lips without saying anything. _Suga called me emotionally constipated the other day_ , his words from one of our earlier meetings echoed in my mind and I suppressed a smile at how he was trying not to let any emotions show. He'd have his reasons and I'd find out about them somehow. _One step at a time_.

“Shownu's uncle is the one we get the flowers from.” I pretended not to hear the way his breath got stuck in his throat and didn't see his eyes widen in surprise. “He managed to keep them alive somehow by bringing them over from Ulsan shortly after the bomb had been dropped there. He's the only one around here who knows the exact conditions Delphinium needs to grow healthily. I don't know when he started, but he's been selling that stuff for a longer time than anyone might believe it to be possible.”

“Why is he not the one going to Seventeen's then?”, Hyungwon asked absentmindedly and I huffed.

“He never goes out, that's my job. If he was the one to sell them they'd track him down and even kill him to get their hands on more of that damned plant. Which wouldn't even make sense on a long-term basis, but I guess you could say greed turns people blind.”

My opponent scowled, seemingly trying not to glance at me. “And you're fine with being a possible target?”

I waved it off and shook my head before I could remember the feeling of being punched or pressed against the subway's walls. “They know I won't tell them. Namjoon threatened me several times, but ever since Wonho dated Bora I'm under her special protection.”

“So that's what you meant by saying that his connections come in handy at times”, he retorted and I gave him an affirmative hum.

“I don't think he did it because of that, but it's a welcomed side-effect to me. However-” I heard the front door open and close downstairs, glancing at Hyungwon's watch to see that it was about time Shownu and Wonho got home. “I've taken over my job from Shownu three years ago. He had to do it until then and it was clear to us that he wasn't comfortable with dealing, so I decided to help out and that's where I am today.”

“Do _you_ enjoy it?”

I swallowed and was glad that he didn't look at me when I averted my gaze as well. “I have to.”

Hyungwon remained silent for a few seconds, seeming to have something on his mind, but I couldn't guess what and had to wait for him to speak up. “How many... customers do you have?”

“It depends. Some buy more, some don't. We developed a small network, I don't even know an exact number, but it has to be over two hundred different people, this town's gangs aside. The members of our network belong to what we call the _Clan_.” I stood up to stretch my back with a tired groan. “Every week I give a bunch of flowers to three or four subordinates who will then take care of the rest. Of course they insist on their fair share of the price and it makes Delphinium one of the most valued underground products. The people I personally sell it to get it for a lot cheaper than those who buy from my subordinates. It's as simple as that.”

“Wait, you say your prices are low? Seventeen are a bunch of kids like us and you're making them go bankrupt”, Hyungwon uttered in disbelief and I raised my eyebrow at that. I had just explained him the concept of drug dealing and he just thought my _prices_ to be exaggerated? He thought about the humane side first?

I cleared my throat to gain some time to build up my defenses again. “Being nice doesn't pay. And money is what I need to survive, as much as it hurts to say that. You can't be friendly and expect to stay alive these days, that just isn't possible”, I argued as confident as I could and my opponent's expression turned into a thoughtful one. Taking a deep breath, I kept my facade. “What is it now? You want to complain about how unfair I'm being?”

“I saw that guy you were talking to before we ran into each other, you know? I overheard some of the dialogue”, he mumbled abruptly and I froze. _That shouldn't have happened_. It was Hyungwon's turn to raise his eyebrow. “If it's all about the money, why would you refuse to give them more? It's not adding up.” His eyes pierced mine and before I could stop myself I averted my gaze, showing him an uncertainty that had him huff. “Who are you kidding Minhyuk, you're trying to perform damage control. You just do what has to be done and that makes you the same as Shownu. Then why are you even doing this?”

“It's because once it's started you don't have a choice anymore, Hyungwon.” I said firmly and sighed after positioning myself behind his chair, concealing the hint of despair in my eyes as fast as possible. “Look, I'll answer your remaining questions another time-”

“Why not now?”, he kept digging and I leaned down to his ear, turning my voice into a whisper.

“Someone's home. And I don't like talking about this in front of the others.” I noticed how Hyungwon's body tensed up and distanced myself from him in a hurry. I had invaded his space without thinking twice. _It will be fine, you'll make him adapt to this sooner or later_. I took a deep breath, letting go of the hellish topic Delphinium was. _Smile, Minhyuk. Smile._ “Now let's wash your newly dyed hair, shall we?”

Hyungwon relaxed and nodded slowly before shuffling over to the bathtub to grab the shower head. “But talking about it in front of me is fine?”, he asked rhetorically and turned on the tap.

I stood there, watching the water turn dark from the dye before it disappeared into the drain. “Yeah, you're different from them”, I mumbled silently, only for me to hear. I didn't even know where those words came from, but it felt good to utter them and I turned to leave the bathroom and wait for him downstairs. “You're different and I don't know why.”

 


	5. Life is tiresome

I threw a last glance at myself in the mirror before making my way downstairs. I had stood in front of the mirror for a good five minutes after drying my new hair without doing anything but stare at my reflection. The guy looking back at me was someone I hadn't seen for over two years. _When I still thought everything would be okay somehow_ , I added bitterly. My hair was of dark brown color now and even though it was a little bit too long it felt good to look a little more neat.

Before I reached the door to the living room I heard Minhyuk talking to whoever had come home before and it seemed to be Wonho. _That guy has basically done everything you can think of with everybody you can think of_ , the former's words echoed in my head, but I figured that Wonho's background wouldn't change the way I behaved, shaking my head. _He has done nothing to harm me, judging him would be unjust._ Unable to stay outside the room any longer I quickly took the last few steps because I was curious as to how the two of them would react to my new hair.

They didn't disappoint. Minhyuk stopped in mid-sentence to gape at me with big eyes and Wonho gave me his usual flirty smirk plus wink which I deliberately ignored. “I feel better”, I stated after a few moments of silence, pulling Minhyuk out of his trance and Wonho rose to his feet to walk up to me.

“You should have told us how good you look with dark hair, I was definitely not prepared for _this_ ”, he said while reaching out to stroke my hair with an astonished expression. “If we get Kihyun to cut your bangs you'll be rivaling me in looks.”

“And all of this without having to dye it blond.” I shot Minhyuk who smirked at my dry comment a look and Wonho's voice turned a little more tempting.

“Oh, getting cocky all of a sudden?”

His fingers lingered at my nape for a little _too_ long, causing me to roll my shoulders back to signalize that I was uncomfortable. “Why Kihyun?”

Minhyuk came to my rescue and threw an arm around Wonho's shoulders, subtly drawing him a step back. “Kihyun cuts our hair all the time, he's a master. Topic change: Shownu will be home any moment, I'll go and prepare dinner. Wonho, care to help me?”

The addressed shot Minhyuk a disbelieving look and squirmed himself out of his grasp. “You can't be serious. Don't you remember the last time I cooked?”

I watched as Minhyuk's face twisted at the memory. “Sadly, that's one of the things I won't ever forget. Very well then”, he grabbed my arm, “Hyungwon, you help me while our cook from hell takes a shower.”

“Was it really that bad?”, I asked curiously once we stopped in the small kitchen but Minhyuk just let out some sound of distress.

“Ever heard of tomato-mustard-pancakes?” I shook my head and he raised an eyebrow. “There's a reason why, let me tell you that.” Deciding not to question this any further I simply did as I was told by Minhyuk, not saying more than necessary while cutting up another set of vegetables like the evening before.

The door opened and Shownu came in freezing for a moment. “Why is there always someone new in this house whenever I come home? Minhyuk, we should seriously talk ab- wait-”, he stopped in mid-sentence when I turned around and he recognized me with wide eyes. “Hyungwon?”

“Welcome back?”, I asked carefully and he blinked twice to make sure he wasn't imagining things before giving me a thumbs-up.

“Looks good!”

I raised the corner of my mouth. “Thanks. Minhyuk's idea.”

“Who would have thought that he can actually have good ideas?” Shownu left for the living room again, leaving me with Minhyuk who was quietly complaining about how he always had good ideas but nobody cared and I nudged him with my elbow.

“I _really_ have to admit this was a good idea”, I assured him and his scowl turned into a raised eyebrow.

“Of course it was. I can see the outcome myself, you know?”

I couldn't hold back my huff and averted my gaze again. “I was just trying to be nice.”

“Be honest instead. Everybody can be nice.”

“I was both.”

The sound of knives cutting through fresh vegetables was the only thing to be heard for a moment before he spoke up again. “Make sure it stays that way.” I licked my lips, gaze locked on my task and pretended I hadn't heard it in order to stop the conversation right there.

 

It wasn't until we were already eating when Jooheon came back, followed by Kihyun and Changkyun another twenty minutes later. The former didn't really care a lot about my appearance, sitting down without another word directed towards me whereas Kihyun almost fell over because he tried to get to me as fast as possible.

“Let me cut this mess. Now”, he insisted while Changkyun watched in amusement and I didn't answer right away. If I did this, he would be awfully close to me and I didn't like that. _What if I have some kind of panic attack?_ “Hyungwon, if you don't let me cut your fringe right now I will hit you unconscious and _then_ cut it.”

_On the other hand, what can possibly go wrong?_ I took my last spoonful of soup with a defeated sigh. “Don't make me go bald.”

Kihyun grinned with sparkling eyes, letting go of one of his crutches to proudly run his hand through Wonho's hair. “Don't worry, I turned Wonho into a masterpiece as well.”

Said male's forehead wrinkled. “I was already one _before_ you cut my hair.”

“Sure you were”, Kihyun retorted without much conviction and a roll of his eyes before leaving to get whatever he needed to 'cut this mess' while Changkyun relaxed on the chair next to mine with a sigh of his own.

Wonho shot him a look. “He rarely is this hyper and you don't come home on Tuesdays. What happened?”, he asked.

“Nothing big.”

“Changkyun”, his voice changed and the look he shot the youngest was no joke. It felt as if Wonho was his older brother if not father figure and a strange tension filled the air.

Eventually, Changkyun hissed with a defeated roll of his eyes. “We almost ran into a bunch of our lovely soldiers.” Everybody stopped eating and turned their heads towards the youngest who just shrugged. “The number of orphans increases with every day. They came to take some with them. I could barely hold Kihyun back, so I brought him here instead.”

“That's unacceptable. Who do these bastards think they are?”, Jooheon snarled with narrowed eyes and Minhyuk lowered his spoon.

“Jooheon, no need to get mad. It was already the same six years ago. It's normal to them.”

But the other only grew more furious. “It's inhumane!”, he snapped, gripping his spoon so hard his fist was shaking.

“They are currently looking for volunteers for their army”, I interfered with a soothing look towards Jooheon, putting the word _volunteers_ in quotation marks. “I read about it in our shop's newspapers today. It's probable that their forces suffered great losses during the revolt from last week.”

Minhyuk and Jooheon exchanged glances before the former gave me an appreciative nod and the latter tried to calm down. “Sounds legit. But they must be desperate to fill the holes in their rows. I mean, why children?”

“On the contrary. Children can be manipulated and turned into war-machines”, I retorted as a matter of fact. “They are easily deceived and nobody ever suspects them. China doesn't only look for soldiers. Spies are what they actually need to take down possible rebels. It was the same with North Korea when our country was divided.”

There was a sudden mood drop at the table and I bit my lip with lowered eyes until Kihyun hobbled back into the room and to the sofa. “Come here or I'll punch you.”

I glanced at Changkyun who just showed me a self-pleased smirk. “Is he always like that?”

“Much to our dismay, he is.”

“I heard that, you rat. Watch your wording.”

“Sorry. Much to _my_ dismay. _”_

“Get over here so that I can kill you.”

“Make me.”

Everybody chuckled at the exchange between the two and I figured that I shouldn't test Kihyun's patience, hesitantly sitting down in front of him after swallowing. “There we go. At least _someone_ is listening to me here”, Kihyun muttered. “Hyungwon, I like you.”

“You're holding a pair of scissors in you right hand, of course he's listening to you. His life's on the line”, Changkyun stated lazily, not really helping to ease my tense nerves, but Kihyun just hissed before concentrating on my hair.

“I will make his next haircut a living hell”, he mumbled with a pout and I bit my lip to hold back a grin. Whatever caused them to have this love-hate relationship, it was definitely fun to watch. The whole bunch of guys in general was so light-hearted and easy to talk to, it was somewhat frightening me.

Soon enough, the others cleaned up the table and Changkyun settled with watching Kihyun cut my hair until the older was done and satisfied with his work.

It happened to be easier to endure than I had even hoped for, because his fingers barely ever touched me, the scissors flying across the tips of my hair in a practiced manner. He really was a master, I had to give him that. Before I knew it he had cut about two centimeters of hair and given it some kind of shape as I could see when I looked at myself in the mirror and Changkyun patted Kihyun's shoulder with a taunting grin. “Nice. It's always good to see that firearms are not the only things you can use.”

The older tensed up at that and sent his opponent a threatening glare. “You know, I'm _still_ holding scissors in my hands and as you've just mentioned I'm good with them.”

The two of them started arguing, resulting in Changkyun begging Kihyun to stop choking him with his crutches and I was unsure as to whether I should interfere or not, but Minhyuk was quick to hold me back. “Don't bother. They love threatening to kill each other.”

I glanced at him before forcing myself to relax again while lowering my voice. “What did Changkyun mean by that just now?”

Minhyuk huffed with a disbelieving roll of his eyes. “I knew you'd ask. Let's talk at Seventeen's tomorrow.”

My sigh was barely audible when Wonho finally decided to interfere and dragged the two shouting and kicking guys away from each other. “I guess I don't have a choice”, was my quiet reply before I stood up, stretched my back and excused myself to go upstairs and get some rest.

Easier said than done.

No matter how much I tried, I just couldn't fall asleep with so many things on my mind. There were some of the past and many of the day that was about to end confusing me more and more. Especially the newspapers triggered bad memories. _You have to report everything once you're asked, keep that in mind._ I took a deep breath and clenched my eyes shut to get this voice out of my head. I would never be sure if they forgot about me or just didn't think it to be necessary to contact me and it made me go crazy.

_He's been selling that stuff for a longer time than anyone might believe it to be possible,_ Minhyuk's voice mixed with the other one. _“How many customers do you have?” It has to be about two hundred._ Two hundred people were involved in this thing and it was just a number for _this_ region which was rather close to Seoul where there were heavier controls. It had to be many more in the country. Changkyun's voice joined Minhyuk's. _It's always good to see that firearms are not the only things you can use._ What more was there to know about this group? What stories were hidden behind their carefree smiles? “Maybe I should start writing things down”, I groaned in frustration, finally feeling my eyelids grow heavier as I slowly drifted off to sleep.

 

When I woke up the next day, I felt just the same as the evening before because I had woken up several times due to nightmares. It seemed as if that one day I fended off the bad dreams by taking Delphinium just caused the horror to double for the next night and I suppressed a sudden shiver when I thought: _What if I just started taking Delphinium everyday before I go to bed as some sort of narcotic?_ Minhyuk would probably have choked me for that idea and I tried not to think about it, yawning to my heart's content until I reached the shop to start another day of work.

The white-haired guy had told me to wait there after my shift ended so that we could go to Seventeen's together and I took the time I had to wait to pick a blank paperback with slim gray lines to write on and a pen of old-fashioned design from our own store's products. The idea of compiling some sort of diary had gotten more charming with every time I thought about it, because not only would I be able to get things off my mind, but in case Minhyuk's assumptions proved to be real and I lost some of my memories I would also be able to look up the most important ones.

A knock on the glass door attracted my attention and I stuffed my new book into the bag I had received from Wonho in the morning before joining Minhyuk outside who just smiled the way he always did. I didn't say a thing and we walked in silence. “I liked you better when you were asking about me, you know? You're so serious today”, he finally stated with a slight punch to my arm and I huffed.

“I told you it was just the flower.”

“So you don't care about me after all?”

“You're merely an acquaintance whose house I'm staying at, why should I?” Minhyuk stopped and I turned to look back at him who held my gaze with big eyes. He looked hurt, but why? _If you get too close with people, you're likely to get hurt._ I was just living up to this, why didn't he do the same? “What's wrong now?”

“An acquaintance?” He shook his head without ever breaking our eye contact. “No, you belong to our family now. Shownu, Wonho, Kihyun, Changkyun, Jooheon and me. Don't keep saying that we're practically strangers.”

_We don't ever forget those who belong to us, understood?_ My breath got stuck in my throat and I was the one to avert my eyes first when I saw the broken look in his. “I don't know a thing about you, Minhyuk, you said so yourself yesterday. I only got to know everybody's names. How can that be family?”

“We'll change that. I will. I want you to at least call me your friend”, he insisted with a breathy voice. Did I see his fists trembling a little? Before I could do a double-take he started walking again and grabbed my sleeve. “Let's play twenty questions. I'll start.”

The dark moment was suddenly over when he broke out into a wide smile and I hesitated for a few more seconds. _Everytime he gets angry or sad he smiles to conceal it. Why_ , I thought before frowning. “Why do you start when I'm the one who wants to know something?”

He groaned with a roll of his eyes. _“Fine_ then we'll take turns, would that be better, you smartass?” I opened and closed my mouth several times before nodding. “Good, I'll start nonetheless. What's your favorite color?”

I let out a disbelieving snort, but nothing could stop Minhyuk as he just made his way down the stairs and into the dark subway tunnels. “You have twenty questions about any topic you can think of and you choose my favorite color?”

“Answer the question please.”

It was my turn to roll with my eyes. “White.”

Minhyuk stopped for a moment and glanced at me with a smug grin. “Why is that? Is my hair this stunning?”

“Don't get ahead of yourself”, I mumbled before following him, directing my gaze towards the sky once more before I lost sight of it. “It's the snow. I like the view it creates; the innocence.”

“I see”, the other one replied with a thoughtful nod. “But why are you such a dark person if you like the white so much?”

“Wait for your turn grandpa, it's my time to ask. Then what's _your_ favorite color?”

“Grandpa?! White hair doesn't make me a grandpa!”

I chuckled and walked ahead of Minhyuk, biting my lip to maintain a serious tone of voice. “Answer the question please.”

And that's how we kept going and going.

 

________________

 

 

I didn't think he would actually play along. I mean, who the fuck plays twenty questions at the age of twenty-two? No wait, don't raise your hands now, I don't even want to know. After we had reached our destination and I had handed out the flowers for an acceptable price of two thousand and two hundred Yuan we even continued our game of exchanging questions and answers.

I would never ask anything of great importance to keep him going without pressuring him to tell me about his past unless he wanted to. I knew he would only lock up if I went too far. Hyungwon on the other hand would always ask the same question back, making me wonder if he had even understood that I had practically given him permission to ask anything about the Clan, but well, I couldn't answer unasked questions.

That's why, seventeen questions later, I had gathered several information about him:

Chae Hyungwon's favorite color is white, because it signifies innocence and he likes snow, while on the other hand he hates pink for unknown reasons just like me – he just hates it. His birthday is on January fifteenth and he is from Seoul, which is why he probably had to walk for several days if not weeks to get to the city we were all currently staying at. When he was still in school, he liked philosophy the best, especially when it had something to do with psychology, which explains his sharp senses when it comes to observing people and their reactions in my opinion.

Though he looks like a cat person to me, Chae Hyungwon's favorite animal is a frog and I really can't understand why he would choose a small, slimy and useless creature like that, but he just said he likes them without further explanation. His favorite food is grilled pork belly and he never left Korea, but would like to visit America one day. Though he claims to only know the basics of Chinese, I think he might just be humble, because the day I asked him about that alcohol his friend from BTS drank, his pronunciation was way better than Wonho's who has been learning for over two years now.

Anyhow, he wants to learn English and likes listening to pop music, but the person he wants to meet once in his life isn't Beyoncé, like for me, but some guy I've never heard of called Lee Kwangsu and he chooses books over movies. His first ever childhood friend was named Gunhee, but they lost contact when said male moved to another city. Since Chae Hyungwon is a generous person, he would buy everybody food if he had enough money to buy anything he wanted, thus it wasn't very surprising for me to hear that his dream job is 'anything that involves justice' and his greatest fear is to be let down by others, which is completely legit, but would be even more understandable if I knew the reasons.

 

Wow. You can ask seventeen questions and still not know anything about a person's past apart from his childhood friend's name. I bet you would never have guessed that, right? Me neither.

I ran a hand through my hair as I leaned back on the improvised sofa while all the gathered gangs had fun and laughed loudly. “Alright, my turn to ask”, I sighed and thought that maybe I should get a little more offensive, remembering something I had asked while he was high. _I'll just make sure._ “Do you have any siblings?”

Hyungwon tensed up for a split second as if it was the first time he heard it from me. He didn't remember me asking this before. And his reaction was just the same. “No. I'm an only child.” Uncomfortable.

“You're not lying?”

“I'm not”, he retorted with a huff and shrugged. “It's just that...”

“Do you sometimes wish you had one?”, I kept asking, but he remained quiet for a few seconds before whispering more to himself than directed towards me.

“It's not your turn to ask, but no. Of course there are times I wish I had one, but in the end, you're better off as an only child.” _Better off?_ Something was not right about the way he replied to my question, but I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong, deciding to observe the matter for a bit longer before confronting him. “Now tell me, what's there to know about Kihyun's past?”

I grinned. “You finally got the hang of this game didn't you?”

“I simply waited for the right time”, was all he replied before raising an eyebrow to make me answer and I sighed with a slight shake of my head.

“Kihyun was in the Chinese military until two years ago.”

I could see him burning with a million new questions, but he stuck with the rules and waited for me to tell him more. “Yes, he was in the military forces. I know this might be shocking, but he meant no harm. Kihyun isn't one of those who support the Chinese and has never been, so we decided to give him a chance, much to Jooheon's dismay at that time.”

Hyungwon's eyes darted around the room and licked his lips before taking a deep breath. “Wh-what if he was actually supporting them? Would you have taken him in?”, he asked nervously and I knew something was off as soon as he stumbled over his words.

“Are you scared? We would never let anyone who could harm us into our group. Especially not if they were connected to the Chinese forces. Hyungwon just trust me. You promised.”

Said male glanced at me with an unsure gaze, making me wonder what our oppressor had done to him to turn him into something like this at the mention of the military. I leaned back and turned towards him with my hands folded in my lap. “He just thought he might be able to find his place in the world”, I explained. “He was sick of not knowing where to go. Changkyun and Kihyun are both orphans, you know?”

Hyungwon seemed to remember something and gave me a slightly choppy nod with a voice that was merely a whisper. “He told me the other day.”

I swallowed as I thought back to the day when Changkyun dragged him through our door. “He was trained to become a first-class sniper for over three years, but he ran away with a few others and was the only one to survive. He managed to run away and yet he had nowhere to go. They would search the orphanage first and if they found him he'd be dragged back into that facility of military hell so that he wouldn't tattle.” I shook my head in pity and looked up. “That's when Changkyun found him and recognized him from before, bringing Kihyun to us and we took him in so that he could hide. He was the last to join our group two years ago. Well, until you came along that is.” I gave Hyungwon a weak smile. “Our lovely cripple is still sensitive concerning this topic, but he's getting better. He only ever talks to the youngest about it though – if you try to confront him he gets aggressive.”

My opponent's gaze clouded when he fell silent and I took my time to count the people who had come today while waiting. Thirty-eight. They increased in number, but I couldn't give them much more Delphinium because Shownu's uncle had already warned me about how the flowers needed their time to grow and I couldn't just keep selling more and more. _I didn't come all the way here for that kind of answer,_ Chanyeol's voice echoed in my head, but I blinked until I got rid of it. _I'll go there tomorrow, they'll have to learn to wait._

“And now that he's free his leg got paralyzed by a drug. That's unjust”, Hyungwon finally whispered in disbelief, his hand resting at his side as if he wasn't feeling well and I was pulled out of my thoughts, agreeing with a hum.

“It is. But he will be fine. He's strong.” My company fell silent after that and I watched Seungcheol and Bora flirt clumsily for a while before noticing that Hyungwon had taken out some kind of book and started writing in it. “What's that?”

“I won't count this as your question”, he uttered in concentration while drawing big and twirly letters. I craned my neck until I could finally recognize the two words. _The Clan._ “I decided to write down all I get to know about it. You could say I'm creating a compendium.” When he saw my frown he just shrugged. “I have too many things on my mind, so I need to write them down.”

A smile worked up its way to my lips and I chuckled quietly before patting his shoulder. “Sounds good. Make me look positive please.”

“You wish, dealer.”

“Then I still have two more questions left”, I changed the topic with another smirk, glad that I could leave the dark topic of Kihyun behind. I had run out of legitimate questions a long time ago and since Hyungwon had found the guts to ask about my friend I would ask one I really wanted to know the answer to as well. One he didn't reply to when I asked him on Monday.

“Hyungwon, when was the first time you were let down or disappointed by a person and who was it?”

He stayed silent. It got to the point where I thought he wouldn't answer anymore and accepted the fact that I had lost his interest as he started writing things down in that new book of his. But then he cleared his throat and licked his lips with eyes that were once more uncertainly darting around the room to watch everything but me.

“When someone made a decision and didn't see it through until the end. When that person was taken from me – or rather walked out on me – without even _trying_ to hold on. That was only about three months ago.”

I swallowed at his husky voice and whispered: “Who was it?”

Hyungwon took a shaking breath and finally locked gazes with me, letting me see a tiny spark of the immense emotional pain burning him on the inside before he concealed it again. “A person I would have trusted with my life. That was the time I was the most disappointed.” _I should have asked for a name_ , I thought and suppressed the urge to keep digging. I was so close to know the answer to Hyungwon's behavior and yet it felt like I was only just scratching at the surface. At least I vaguely knew where his trust issues came from now, but that wasn't enough to satisfy me.

I prepared myself for the same question to answer with a sigh, but he didn't ask anything. “It's your turn”, I encouraged him, but he was definitely lost in thought and I decided that it would be good to just let him think about whatever he wanted to ask and shut my mouth while waiting.

I waited for ten minutes straight and watched him sketch a flower that looked extremely similar to Delphinium in his new book, writing down all I had told him the week before in order. After that, he wrote down the names of the gangs that gathered every Wednesday, but left a gap at the top. Another five minutes later he still hadn't asked his question but didn't write down anything either and I nudged his side with my elbow. “Hyungwon? Are you okay?”

He seemed to snap out of his trance and looked at me with a clouded gaze. “Yeah. I'm just lost in thought. Sorry.”

“Shall we go home?” When he nodded I gave him an uncertain smile and pulled him to his feet as he didn't show any intention of moving on his own, guiding him through the gradually darkening tunnels. “Why are you so quiet all of a sudden?”, I asked when the silence started getting on my nerves and again it seemed like he was far away with his thoughts.

“Huh? Oh, well, I could ask you the same.”

“I'm waiting for your question, idiot.” Still he didn't seem bothered and just kept staring off into the distance. What kind of memory had I triggered with my previous question to turn him into this? Or was it because of Kihyun? Or The Clan?

“Minhyuk.” We had just reached the stairs when he stopped and had me turn around with a frown, looking down at him. “I've got one.”

“Yeah? What is it?”

“Well, I... You'll answer honestly, right?” I nodded and Hyungwon lowered his gaze, licking his lips for the umpteenth time that day like he always did when he was nervous. “Minhyuk, have you ever- I mean, do you think you- Ah, never mind.”

“Hyungwon, you'll ask your question right now.”

“What's the name of your gang?”

It took me a moment to decipher his question before frowning. “That's not what you wanted to ask.”

“So what, I changed my mind.” He avoided locking gazes but raised his book. “There's a gap in my list of gangs because I don't know yours.”

I sighed, knowing that he wouldn't give in and buried my hands in the pocket of my hoodie. “It's Monsta X.” It was Hyungwon's turn to frown and he pressed his lips together before giving in and laughing out loud. A _laugh_ came from this emotionally constipated guy in front of me and he noticed his mistake, slapping a hand over his mouth in a hurry.

He bit his lip to suppress his smile and it felt good to see him like this all of a sudden. “Monsta X?”

“What's wrong with that?”, I huffed and crossed my arms as we continued walking. “It was Jooheon's idea.”

“How the hell did he think of something like that?”, my company continued with a deep breath to calm down.

“Well”, I explained overly serious, “since we are the monsters turning other people into drug addicts and most of us are unknown to the other gangs, we thought we'd combine those two factors and stay true to our image, spreading fear and terror everywhere.”

Hyungwon shot me a look and raised his eyebrow. “You can't tell me to buy that shit”, he retorted and I snorted while kicking the gravel.

“Fine. We thought it to be cool and that's it. Jooheon was only sixteen when we decided on it, charisma was everything.”

“That's more like you. Okay, Monsta X it is”, he finished with a nod and adjusted the bag on his shoulder once he put away his book. “Your turn.”

We were just rounding the last corner walking towards the house and I clucked my tongue with a shake of my head. “Not enough time. Let's say each of us has one free question left and we'll finish this later”, I suggested as we took the last few steps to reach the house and I unlocked the door. Since he didn't give me an answer I took it as a 'yes' and reported today's earnings to Jooheon who had been waiting on his armchair as always while Hyungwon stretched his back and went to bed without another word.

“Did you two fight?”, Jooheon asked with a raised eyebrow and a smirk throwing a leg over the armrest. “It was about time he showed his true self. Look, I told you he-”

“Don't assume things.” It was normal for Jooheon to run those he didn't know well down before properly getting to know them and if this was any other day I would have joked around with him, but I somehow couldn't do that today. Not when I knew how Hyungwon behaved at times. “Hyungwon's 'true self' is just as broken as mine and I would be grateful if you'd actually _try_ to befriend people for once instead of having them feel bad all the time”, I snapped and Jooheon's eyes widened. “You don't even make an effort to understand him, you have no right to judge him.”

He opened and closed his mouth several times, but nothing came out and I let out a desperate groan before scurrying out of the room, deciding to go to bed as well. There was no reason for me to argue with my best friend and I don't even know why I snapped at him like that. _I'm just tired, tomorrow will be another day. I can apologize then_ , I thought, changing into something more comfortable before burying myself under my blanket.

_That person was taken from me – or rather walked out on me – without even_ trying _to hold on_ , I heard Hyungwon say again and took a deep breath.  _I'll help you. I promise I'll help you, no matter what._

 

________________

 

 

The next day felt weird. I went to work in the morning and got back in the afternoon, which is nothing really unusual so far, but when I opened the door, there was no Minhyuk skipping towards me like a puppy. It was just...quiet. I put my bag away and looked at my watch. Five in the afternoon. “Where is everybody?”, I muttered and ran a hand through my hair, almost jumping in surprise when there was someone crouching over an exercise book at the dining table.

“You're home.” It was Jooheon.

“Where's Minhyuk?”

“Out. Won't be back until tomorrow.” I pondered on going to my room, but sighed and sat down to his right after grabbing myself an apple as I was hungry. We both remained quiet for a moment and I peeked at the thin book he was writing in, glad that there were no Chinese characters to be seen. “What are you staring at?”

I cleared my throat and pulled back a bit. “Just wondering what you're doing.”

Jooheon rolled with his eyes and slid the book over to me. “Homework.”

“You're a student?”, I asked, careful not to let any emotion show on my face as I inspected the page. _Ugh, math._ I was walking on egg-shells when it came to Jooheon. I didn't know what I had done to upset him like this because we had never even talked to each other for more than a minute before. _Maybe I can change his mind._ It wasn't that I desperately wanted everybody to like me, no it was far from that, but if I wanted to stay here for a little longer, maybe I should be on good terms with the guys.

“Yeah, I'm studying.” His cat-like eyes narrowed and he observed me, obviously not satisfied with my lack of reaction. “Why don't you rant about how lucky I am and how unfair the world is?”

I wanted to bite a piece off the apple, but Jooheon got there first and I watched him eat my food with a growling stomach. “Should I?”

“I don't know, they're your thoughts”, Jooheon retorted and threw his hands in the air before taking his book back and resting his head on his palm while taking another bite of the fruit.

“But...they're not? You're assuming things.” He snorted and disbelief was visible on his face when he looked at me, but I simply shrugged. “Sure, you're lucky, but it's not your fault that I'm not, is it? And in case you didn't notice: that was my apple.”

“You're weird, don't you have feelings? Why don't you get angry?” My opponent groaned, but stopped himself from talking me down any more.

I mirrored his pose with a sigh and raised the corners of my mouth a little. “You don't know what you want me to do either, do you?” Jooheon hissed, muttering something I couldn't understand before pretending to return his attention to the pages in front of him, placing the bitten into apple on the table and it remained silent for a minute.

“I don't like you.”

“I'd never have guessed. Why?” I crossed my arms on the table before resting my head on them to close my eyes for a moment. I occasionally felt tired these days even though nothing was different from any other day. _Weird._ “Minhyuk said you don't actually live here and you're a student”, I mumbled absentmindedly as he didn't reply. “You're staying with your family?”

A snapping sound could be heard and I opened one of my eyes to see that the pencil lead had broken because Jooheon had applied too much pressure. _His side-effects probably belong to Wrath like Namjoon_ , I thought tiredly. “My parents are never home anyway”, he mumbled so quietly I almost failed to hear it. “But it's probably cool to have a house for myself, I guess. Kihyun would die from a heart attack if he saw all the guns.”

_Guns? Sounds interesting._ “Your parents work for the government?”

“Why would you care?”, he barked and took out a pencil sharpener.

“Don't answer if you're uncomfortable”, I replied as a matter of fact. “It's rather lonely though. Alone in a house full of arms.” He stopped to look at me with an unreadable expression for a few seconds.

“You know, I still really hate you.”

A huff escaped my lips and I closed my eyes again. “No shit.” Jooheon obviously didn't _want_ to be friends with me and I wouldn't try to achieve the impossible. The clock at the wall was ticking quietly and Jooheon's pencil scraped over the paper in a calming rhythm, occasionally interrupted by him taking a bite of his (my) apple and I yawned as everything blurred and the sounds slowly became dull.

 

I woke up again when the scent of instant ramyun filled my nose and quiet slurps could be heard, causing me to stretch my arms before slowly opening my eyes. My senses hadn't betrayed me, there was a steaming cup of noodles standing right in front of me and Jooheon, Shownu and Wonho sat around the table while eating in silence until Wonho noticed me. “Good evening, sleeping beauty.”

I rolled my eyes and he winced when I kicked his shin from under the table, causing Jooheon to snicker. “Why didn't you wake me up?”, I groaned as I rubbed my eyes and let out a wholehearted yawn.

“You woke up by the smell anyway. And I tried, but you wouldn't react”, Shownu explained with a shrug. I took a look around to find the rest of the living room empty.

It really was just the four of us and I was about to ask where _exactly_ Minhyuk had gone to – Jooheon's reply hadn't been very helpful earlier – when I remembered that he would probably be at that strange guy's place who had visited on Tuesday. “Does Minhyuk always stay over at...wherever he's dealing right now?”, I wondered and raised my ramyun to start eating.

“They call themselves EXO. New clients”, Shownu said and Jooheon looked at me.

“He worries too much and wants to make sure they won't die from the dose he sells them. That caring little shit, there's no need to.”

“Right, he's not their baby-sitter”, Wonho added with a nod, but Shownu bit his lip and remained silent about the matter, probably thinking that he'd be the same as Minhyuk in his position. _It was clear to us that he wasn't comfortable with dealing._

I frowned at that thought. _Minhyuk took the burden from Shownu but actually feels just as bad about it, doesn't he?_ It sounded familiar to me and I suppressed a shiver. _Once it's started you don't have a choice anymore_.

“ _Let go of him!”_

“ _Not until he's regretting his mistakes.”_

“ _I beg you, please!”_

“ _There's no going back for him, shut your mouth.”_

“ _No! I'll take the punishment instead!”_

_I'll take it....take it...._ The memory faded and I suddenly found it hard to breathe. It was a different situation, but I had been the same back then. I could relate so much, Minhyuk and I were alike and I hadn't even noticed until now. My stomach twisted and I grit my teeth as I let go of the pair of chopsticks, letting them fall into the cup of ramyun.

“You're not gonna eat?”, Wonho asked nonchalantly and I swallowed, clutching at my side without having anyone notice.

“I'm feeling weird.”

Jooheon rolled his eyes with a malcontent sound. “And look at how he's sensitive on top. Dude, Delphinium won't actually kill you, Minhyuk is just overprotective.”

_What has the flower got to do with that?_ I frowned and had to rewind the conversation to the point before my flashback to get what he was referring to. _He wants to make sure they don't die from the dose._ “Are you trying to soothe me right now?” My opponent just huffed with a 'you wish' before going back to eating. “No, I'm just... I don't know, I'll be fine in a moment”, I continued and forced my hand to let go of my side, doing my best to go back to normal as I forced down my food. _I mustn't worry them_ , I repeated in my mind over and over again and finished dinner in silence, spending the rest of the evening in silence to collect my thoughts.

Since I couldn't really concentrate on what they were talking about most of the time, I excused myself early to go to bed, but as I had slept for two ours prior to dinner, I was actually wide awake and passed my time by writing another name into my book to keep me distracted. EXO. I looked at the top of the list where I had left a gap before I slowly wrote down the name of The Clan's head. Monsta X. _Once it's started there's no going back_. Oh, if only he knew how right he was with that. I then turned the page and wrote it down again, listing all six members of my new little living community starting from the oldest. I then continued with the other gangs and I was right: This did pass time until it was far past midnight and I could finally feel my eyelids become heavy again. “Looks like I'm not doing anything apart from working and sleeping”, I mumbled with a husky voice. “Life is tiresome, isn't it?” Looking back at it now, I couldn't have done a better job summing it up.

Life is tiresome as fuck.

 


	6. Fatigue has many faces

The next day, Minhyuk came back in the evening and he looked just the same as always, bouncing around the house and getting on everybody's nerves while on the other hand everybody knew how much more boring the days would be without him doing so. After having eaten, I decided to go out for a while, suddenly feeling the urge to just walk around and move; something I hadn't done often ever since I arrived at this city. Had it already been four weeks? “I'll be back in an hour”, I stated while putting on my shoes and Minhyuk stopped arguing with Wonho about who was the prettiest actress to look at me.

“You're going out?” I nodded with a stoic expression and he got up to look for his shoes. “I'll tag along, wait a second!” But before he even had a chance to tie his shoelaces I was already past the door and inhaled the cool night air that had managed to calm me down ever since. “Yah, Hyungrude! Wait for the old and sick!” Minhyuk panted after slamming the door shut and catching up.

“Old and sick, my ass”, I groaned with a roll of my eyes and he grinned at me. There was no particular direction I wanted to go in and I just followed the roads, turning left and right every once in a while with Minhyuk only a step behind me. “You know, if we were in Seoul”, I started after a while, “we would have already been shot by soldiers. They have their eyes everywhere there.”

My opponent hummed and sped up to walk next to me. “I wouldn't know what to do if I really couldn't go out. I mean, there's a curfew here too, but there are rarely any officers to come by. Last week was an exception.”

I blinked and looked at him in shock before quickly concealing my emotions. “They were here last week?”

“You were high, you probably don't remember.” I let out a sound of understanding and scratched the back of my neck with a sigh. It really sucked not remembering what you did just because you wanted to feel good and happy once in a while. But that wouldn't stop me. So what if something happened, what doesn't kill you keeps you going.

I decided to change the topic after a few more minutes of rounding corners in silence. “How are the new guys? Exo, right?”

Minhyuk's pace became unsteady, just long enough for me to notice, before he fell into step with me again. “They're greedy and want more. They still have to accept the fact that they can't decide how much they buy. That's _my_ decision.”

“They didn't hurt you to get more or anything, did they?” He stared at me with big eyes and his mouth fell open when he heard that, but I was quick to clear my throat. “Shownu looked rather worried, so I thought I should ask-”

“Just say you were worried, it's not a bad thing. I'm fine, stupid”, he teased and reached out to pinch my cheek, but I grabbed his arm with a huff, causing him to hiss as if in pain.

I stopped walking and raised an eyebrow, but he had lowered his gaze to the ground in a matter of seconds. I pushed the sleeve of his hoodie up to reveal a set of bruises. “That doesn't really look _fine_ ”, I stated.

“I ran into a few things, you know, I'm a clumsy person- ah!”

He winced when I knocked against his stomach and I felt something twist in my stomach. “I said it doesn't look _fine,_ so it isn't.”

“It's nothing I can't handle”, he snapped after ripping his wrist out of my grasp, causing me to shake my head in disbelief. “I can't let the others worry about something like bruises, so I'm fine.” Minhyuk distanced himself from me and I sighed as I tagged along. His behavior was just the same as mine, so I couldn't blame him for anything. He was right, he could handle this – he had done so in the past as well – and I left it at that until he spoke up on his own. “How about you? Were you alright while I was gone? You didn't get into a fight, did you?”

“Who are you? My mother?”, I shot back with a snort and buried my hands in the pockets of my jacket with a shrug. “I'm okay. But say: do Jooheon's effects belong to Wrath? He said he hates me and is avoiding everything concerning me.”

Minhyuk hesitated. “Hate you? How come? I can't believe he said that.” The tone of his voice told me otherwise, but I didn't point it out. “And no, he's not Wrath. Jooheon is Envy.” It was my turn to be confused and he found his smile again when we took a right. “He can't accept things that might put him on a lower level and curses at them instead. Everything that might be better off than him is bad. He is a severe case of only child syndrome.”

“So that's how it is”, I mumbled absentmindedly, thinking back at Jooheon's clouded expression when he talked about how his house was always empty. That wasn't envy, it was loneliness and pain, he only didn't show it openly. Like Minhyuk. Like myself. Man, we were some really messed up bunch, weren't we? A pensive and comfortable silence spread and we finished our short walk without much more conversation. I don't even know why I wanted to get out that day and much less do I know why Minhyuk came along, but after we had joined the others in the living room again, I felt better than before; somewhat at ease.

Every time Wonho got clingy and was all over Minhyuk, I hoped that he wouldn't put pressure on the bruises, but there was no need to worry because time passed without anyone noticing the way the white-haired male bit his lip as a distraction every once in a while. Nobody but me.

 

________________

 

 

The days passed and with each of them my bruises became less visible. I have to admit they hurt a lot at first and I still felt bad that Hyungwon had taken notice of them, because his eyes wouldn't leave me even once for the whole evening that day, but on another note it was really interesting to see him worry about me. He was getting better, at least as far as his trust issues were concerned, and I was determined to help him with his other problems as well. Maybe I could fix him and he would be able to become the rebel he wanted to be, who knows? One step at a time.

Monday.

My next chance to get him to talk. I had observed Hyungwon for the past three days and found him to be more tired than the week before, suggesting that his side-effect was a Sloth one as well. _I'll have to prevent him from taking too much at once or it will get worse_ , I figured as we settled around our little fire pit in the garden's tent.

“What happens if you eat the flowers without cooking them?”, Hyungwon asked quietly while staring into the flames and Shownu poked the wood with an iron stick.

“They are twice as effective then, but also twice as disgusting. We add sugar.”

“Sugar? Really?” Hyungwon huffed as if he couldn't believe his own ears.

“You know how the saying goes, right?”, I asked with a chuckle. “That a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine-”

“Did you just make a Mary Poppins reference? I can't believe it”, Jooheon groaned with a roll of his eyes. “You're impossible.”

My smile widened and I winked at him. “You know you love it.”

“Maybe. Whatever.”

I exchanged glances with Hyungwon and swallowed, looking around for a moment before returning my whole attention to him. “You'll take it again?”

He glanced at me from the corner of his eyes for a moment. “You're still going to convince me not to? In case you didn't notice: I felt good last time.”

“But you might regret things.”

“I won't.” I was already taking a deep breath to retort something, but Hyungwon interrupted me. “Minhyuk, I swore to myself that whatever happens on Delphinium isn't really me. It's like you're drinking, but far better. I can handle this, trust me.” His breath got stuck in his throat when he heard himself say that and bit his lip. “Y-you...you promised, didn't you?”

“Yes, but can you really? I wish I could be sure of that”, I replied just when Jooheon raised the basin to his own lips and took a sip.

It made its round and I watched anxiously as Hyungwon's pupils dilated before he gave the liquid to me, but instead of drinking it, I placed it in front of me like the week before even though my fingers were itching and my whole body was burning with longing for it. Shownu nudged my side with a warm smile towards the basin but I robotically shook my head. Not now. I wanted to observe.

It didn't take long for the drug to kick in and Hyungwon sighed when his whole body relaxed at once. “I missed this feeling.”

“You didn't even remember it”, I argued with a scowl, but he waved it off and lay down on the soft grass with his eyes closed and a peaceful grin on his lips.

“You're one to talk about memories, Lee.”

I ignored the critical comment and skipped to the name with a sigh. “Will you call me Lee every time you can't think straight?”

Hyungwon hummed, eyes still closed while he reached out for my wrist and encircled it with his long fingers. “It could be your nickname. Nobody else uses it anyway, right?” He tugged at my wrist and I gave in, lying down beside him.

“Right, nobody does, but what do I need a nickname for? Should I start calling you Chae as well? There's no point in that.”

“We'd sound badass”, he concluded seriously and I raised an eyebrow to have him elaborate a bit more on the matter. “Chae and Lee, the devilish duo that can profile everybody.” He then hummed a quiet melody that sounded like it could be from a James Bond movie – well, maybe it was – and I chuckled.

“Profiling? Really?”

He opened his eyes to look at me. “That's the thing we're both good at. Observing and concluding.” He was right, I loved watching people and their reactions, but I didn't think anybody actually thought that habit of mine to be useful. “So you'll be Lee from now on. Sounds like a spy's codename, don't you agree?”

I rolled my eyes and huffed before humming in approval. “Sure. Chae and Lee, huh? Whatever makes you happy.” Hyungwon squealed in a fit of happiness and turned to snuggle up against my side, causing me to tense up with widening eyes. “What are you doing?”

“I'm kind of hugging you.”

“I can see that, but why?”

“Don't know. I feel like it.” I was uncomfortable with how unproblematic he viewed the situation. I mean, I was around Wonho most of the time and it wasn't the skinship that was bothering me, but Chae Hyungwon would never _ever_ be the one to initiate physical contact with a person and especially not just because he 'felt like it'. His anxiety melted away due to the consuming of Delphinium and it was just as weird as confusing. Was he like this on the inside? But why wouldn't he let it show? His personality did a complete hundred-eighty when high and this was a rather rare phenomenon. I sat up, dragging him along as he didn't let go of me, his face now buried between my shoulder blades.

“There are plenty of other people around here you could hug”, I mentioned and let my gaze wander until it found Wonho. “Wonho for example. He wouldn't object, that's for sure.”

But Hyungwon remained where he was and slightly shook his head. “Wonho doesn't treasure things like hugs, he needs worse.”

My brows furrowed and I turned my head to get a glimpse of his dark-brown hair at my back. “Then how about Jooheon?”

He tilted his head to look at me with a pair of half-closed blank eyes. “Jooheon still doesn't like me.” He then seemed to remember something and snapped out of his clingy attitude for the moment with a click of his tongue. “Did you know he has many guns at home? He told me yesterday. I swear, if we could get our hands on them we could start a revolution!” I chuckled at his excitement and the way he threw his hands in the air to express himself.

“It needs a bit more than seven people to start a revolution, Chae”, I replied, teasingly using his surname, but he didn't seem to mind for even a second while his expression turned dark at the rest of the comment.

“Lee, we have over two hundred people on our side if we rile them up with Delphinium, isn't that right?” My heart skipped a beat at his words in sudden realization and I suppressed a cold shiver: He wanted to use The Clan and he was dead serious. Hyungwon on drugs wasn't lying.

“I don't think that's a good idea”, I answered quietly. “Two hundred might be big for us, but it's still small compared to the fucking Chinese army, you know?”

“Then we'll just have to convince more to join in.” He kept thinking about that matter in silence and I was glad that I didn't have to elaborate on it any further, because every time there had been news of a rebellion, it got brutally taken down and I wasn't ready for something like that. Not yet.

The other five chattered along without having noticed my mood drop and I eyed the basin to my feet with eyes that couldn't rest for more than a few seconds anymore. My body was growing anxious, it called for the drug and I felt my fingers tremble, clenching them into fists to make it stop. That's when Wonho decided to scurry over with an expression I only knew too well. I prepared myself for a cheesy pick-up line, but instead, he just leaned closer and rested his head against my chest with a sound of satisfaction. I let out a deep sigh and patted his back. “You can't keep pushing me away forever, honey”, Wonho purred while intertwining his fingers with mine and I chuckled at how serious he was being.

“And you can't keep trying forever, _honey_. I won't be the first to give up.”

“We'll see about that”, he whispered and I pressed my hand against his chest, causing him to fall over with a pout. _That kid, really. He needs a good girl to take care of him._

“Wonho, stop harassing Minhyuk”, Hyungwon, who had finally stopped thinking about his precious revolution, demanded and grabbed my left arm. “Go for someone else. Shownu for example.”

The oldest, having overheard the conversation, didn't look very amused. “Yah, Hyungwon, I'm not interested in guys”, he argued, eying the way he clung to me with a raised eyebrow. “Are you?”

“I am!”, Wonho interfered with big smile and a raised hand, but I only glared back at him.

“You're just pretending to be bi, that doesn't count. Get yourself a girl and let go of us.” The other went on ranting about how he'd show me that he wasn't _just_ pretending before walking over to Changkyun, Kihyun and Jooheon sitting on the opposite side with a sulk and Shownu glanced at me once more before returning his attention towards them. What confused me the most was that Hyungwon remained quiet and only stared at Shownu from narrowed eyes. “Chae? What's wrong?”

“You mustn't seriously like guys”, he whispered to himself and I stopped in surprise, biting the inside of my cheek when he suddenly released my arm as if he had only now noticed what he was doing. “You mustn't.” I felt like I was talking to a grade schooler.

“Why not? What if you do?”

“You can't. You'll be punished if you do. You will suffer”, he replied again and shook his head as I turned towards him with big and questioning eyes. “My father used to say that.” The alarms went off in my head and I cocked my ears, to sharpen my senses.

“How do you know he was right?” Hyungwon fell silent at that with a pout on his full lips, his eyes watching the flames of the fire pit grow and shrink for a while and I would almost have given up, but then...

“The only person that could have proven the opposite turned on me after I had been kicked out. They said they had too much to lose to bet it on me.” His voice became more quiet with every word and I leaned closer and closer to get what he was saying, deciphering his words.

And that's when it clicked. _Holy shit._ I could finally put a few pieces together. _When that person was taken from me – or rather walked out on me – without even_ trying _to hold on. A person I would have trusted with my life. That was only about three months ago._ I swallowed, embedding it into the context of the conversation we had just had.

_The person he's talking about is a guy._ _And he most likely had a crush on him._

I tried not to let my breakthrough show and just nodded in understanding. “Was he an important person to you?”

Hyungwon stared at me for a while with a look I couldn't identify. “I never said it was a guy.” My lips curled into a smile and I raised an eyebrow, causing him to sigh. “Told you we were a profiling duo, didn't I?” Again I nodded and he managed to grin back at me – grin that didn't reach his eyes – and I knew I was approaching the danger zone. “Yeah, he was important. The most important. But I'm not going to think about him anymore. I'm trying so hard to forget already.”

_So that guy is who he wants to forget_ , I concluded, making a note in my head before letting the topic go for the evening. I had found out enough for now and pushing him just a bit more would make him lock up anyway: At some point of his life, Hyungwon got to care for a guy, more than he thought he _should_ and he was left once things got serious. It was common sense that he withdrew himself from most people afterwards, but it didn't explain his drastic reaction to physical contact. Not yet.

“Lee, what would happen if the moon shone brighter than the sun?”

I looked at Hyungwon, confused by his sudden change of mood and topic. “Excuse me?”

Jooheon overheard the question and raised an eyebrow before sitting down to Hyungwon's left. “What's that bullshit you're talking about? That won't ever happen.”

“But what if it did?”, the dark-haired insisted and the three of us lay down on the grass to have a look at a blurred version of the moon caused by the tent's material. “I mean, moonlight is white and the sun shines yellow. White is much brighter than yellow, I mean look at Wonho and Minhyuk. You wouldn't hesitate to point out the latter as having the brightest hair color right?”

I listened with a tired smirk, but Jooheon was trying hard to keep up. “But why would that change-”

“Imagine this”, Hyungwon interrupted the gruff male, causing my smirk to widen. “If the moon shone brighter, would we switch night for day and day for night or would we still live our life when the sun is shining just because it's the sun though it's not as bright as the moon? Would scientists change the built of our solar system with all the planets spinning around the moon all of a sudden? Just imagine if we didn't collect solar energy but a moon equivalent, wouldn't that sound much cooler? Lunar energy!”

“You're nuts!”, Jooheon exclaimed with a disbelieving sound of frustration and I prepared for him to rant as he pointed at the moon above us. “Look at that thing! Of course that wouldn't change the course of the planets, are you an idiot? It's proven science, you can't do a thing about that! It's called gravity.” They started arguing and I let them be for a while until suddenly, Jooheon sat up to look at me simultaneously with Hyungwon. “Dude, say something to that idiot!”

I closed my eyes with a sigh and kept grinning. “Who would have guessed that the two of you actually get along?”

“Are you blind?”, Jooheon groaned and Hyungwon nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, can't you see how we have different opinions?” He then turned towards the youngest out of us three again “He's of no use, let's ask Shownu.”

“Right.”

I couldn't bite back another laugh when they rose to their feet and almost attacked Shownu with what sounded like a hundred questions. “Aren't you going to get your two puppies off me?”, he asked desperately, but all I could do was shake my head.

“They're your puppies as well”, I chuckled. “I don't see a problem with your situation, so: no.” I watched them argue for a while longer until I really couldn't control my trembling hands anymore and finally reached out for the basin. I didn't want to miss a thing dumb Jooheon and dumber Hyungwon did, but I couldn't hold back any longer either. My body was crying out for the weekly high. I didn't want to, but I had to. And I could not stop.

 

________________

 

 

Waking up proved to be one of the hardest things to do in the morning after having taken Delphinium. It was worse than a hangover and my mind was still all hazy, but just like the week before, I was at ease. As if whatever I had done had taken a big load off my mind. When I tried to open my eyes, it was surprisingly dark and I frowned at the fact that I was lying in front of something black and soft. And it was moving.

My breath quickened with widening eyes when I slowly distanced myself from the thing just to be held in place by a heavy arm thrown over my shoulder. _Minhyuk._ This was too close. This was nothing I could handle. This was _not_ good. I had been lying right next to Minhyuk, tugged under his arm, and his chest raised and lowered at a steady pace as he was still asleep while I tried to suppress my panic attack and slowly wiggled out of his grasp with a heart that beat like crazy. _You know, turtle, there's nothing wrong with a bit of skinship._ I let out a silent chuckle at that and dusted off my pants after standing up and looking down at the white-haired male sleeping soundly to my feet. _Everything's wrong with it._

Having calmed down from the close proximity, I noticed that Shownu, Jooheon and Wonho were already gone whereas Kihyun and Changkyun lay a few meters away from Minhyuk in peaceful silence for once. I scratched the back of my neck before glancing at my watch for the first time since waking up, finding it to be ten o'clock. Almost time to leave for work, thank God I had woken up. In the living room, I encountered Shownu reading a newspaper, but none of the other guys and I sat down on the sofa opposite to him with a yawn. “Where's the rest?”

“Work and school”, the leader explained without looking up at first, but he then seemed to notice who he had just replied to and I saw surprise on his face. “You're up early.”

“Ten in the morning is actually pretty late, you know?” We both shrugged and I spent a few seconds in silence before finally making up my mind. “Shownu?”

“Hm?”

“Do you, like, remember what you do when you're high?”

The brown-haired male stopped for a moment to glance up from his newspaper with a raised eyebrow. “Most of it. Why? Because you don't and want to know what happened?”

I shrank on my seat with a sigh and averted my gaze. “I was just wondering if I did anything I should regret.” Of course, I had said that whatever happened on drugs wasn't actually me, but I simply couldn't stop pondering on the topic, especially not after having been this close to Minhyuk. _He didn't harass me, did he? What about Wonho? I can't remember a thing, what if-_

“Hyungwon, there's nothing to worry about, I promise. Especially not around us”, Shownu interrupted my overflowing thoughts and our gazes met for a moment, causing him to smile at me. “If you were to do something that could harm you I swear that one of us would interfere.”

“Then what _did_ I do yesterday? I can't think of anything and I feel like I should”, I kept asking and bit my lip before swallowing and putting on a stoic mask again. _Don't let your guard down, Hyungwon, who do you think you are talking to?_

“Sometimes it's good to forget about something.”

“What?” My eyes narrowed and I took a deep breath, but Shownu didn't look concerned at all and gave me a simple sigh.

“If you don't remember, maybe it's because you don't have to. Maybe it's because you would think too much of it and then you'd retreat into that snail house of yours and never come out again. If anything you need to know happened I'd tell you for sure.” _He might be right._ “I know that look in your eyes, trust me.” _Trust me._ “Minhyuk has it too.” I swallowed and figured that he wouldn't tell me anything about the evening before with a groan, when something clicked in my head.

“What do you mean, Minhyuk has it too?”

“Sometimes things are more broken than one might assume.” Shownu's face remained blank and he seemed to hear the gears screeching in my mind, but before either of us could speak up again, the door opened and Minhyuk came in with a bright smile as always. “Good morning!”, his cheerful voice hollered and Shownu's face instantly brightened to return the greeting while I maintained my stoic mask.

After glancing at my watch again, I got up and stretched my back. “I'll get going. Work.” Minhyuk stopped for a moment with a confused expression but was quick to get a hang of himself and walk up to me. _I know that look in your eyes._ What look? What did Shownu see that I didn't?

“Can you wait for five more minutes? I'll accompany you.”

“Why would you?” My eyebrows raised and I glanced at the oldest whose eyes seemed to tell me that I should just take him with me from behind the newspaper.

“I feel like it”, came the indifferent reply and I sighed, sitting down on the sofa again and impatiently tapping my foot on the ground while he downed a bowl of cereal in record time before putting on his shoes.

 

“What would happen if suddenly the sun didn't shine as bright anymore?”, Minhyuk asked out of the blue with his arms crossed behind his head and I hesitated for a moment. _Why did I even wait for that guy?_

“Are you...serious?” The white-haired male shot me a glance and I frowned. “Why would that happen?”

“Just imagine it”, the other insisted with an intense gaze boring holes into my head. “If the moon shone brighter than the sun, would we switch day and night? What about lunar energy, did you ever consider that?”

Something tried to surface in my mind, like the cracking of a record when you are waiting for the actual audio to begin. I kept waiting for the memory to come, but nothing happened and I let go of it in frustration. “Why would I know? You never know until you try it out”, I replied grumpily, unable to ignore the weird feeling in my head.

“Good answer, I'll remind you of that one day”, Minhyuk mumbled absentmindedly while burying his hands in his pockets. “You never know until you try...”

I stared ahead for a good five minutes and my company said nothing as he walked next to me, causing me to think that something was bothering him. _Don't ask._ “What's wrong?” _Too late._

“Huh?”

I shrugged at his confusion and pushed my thoughts aside. “You seem to be lost in thought. Something's off. I never knew you had a brain.”

“It's nothing”, he replied without looking at me or replying to that diss for once and that's when I knew he was lying. _But if he's not going to tell me it's fine. It's not like I am any differe-_ I'd almost have stopped on my tracks when the realization dawned to me. That's what made Minhyuk and me similar. Keeping your distance from things while at the same time trying to find out what the opponent was thinking.

“We'd make a good duo when it comes to profiling”, I mentioned quietly and finally the weird feeling in my head snapped when Minhyuk turned towards me with big eyes, a hand grabbing my wrist. _Why am I feeling like I..._ “Did I...say that before?”

The white-haired male swallowed and took a deep breath before a careful smile appeared on his lips. “Yesterday. So you do kind of remember?”

My eyes darted around the area when I picked up more speed again. “Not really, it's just like some sort of déjà-vu. I don't have an image of what happened, only this weird feeling that there is something I should remember but can't.” I settled with looking at the slightly shorter guy to my right. “What else did I say yesterday? You remember?”

Minhyuk's brows furrowed and he stopped for a moment until he sighed and let go of my wrist. “That stuff about the moon shining brighter than the sun? That was your favorite topic. Seeing that it didn't ring a bell with you, you can't seem to remember everything, but hey, it's a good start.”

“So basically I'm talking nonsense?”

“That wouldn't make a big difference from the way you normally behave.”

“Yah!” Minhyuk chuckled at my sudden outburst when I punched his arm and fumbled with my keys to unlock the store. _There he is again. The normal Minhyuk._ “That was rude. Maybe I should call you Minrude from now on.”

“That's my slogan, Hyungrude!”, the other retorted with a pout and I couldn't hold back my smile any longer as I pushed the doors open. The effect of the flower was still present, I felt light and carefree for the moment- _But that's it. It's just the flower Hyungwon._ I hesitated for a moment, thinking that his cheerfulness might be caused by the weird plant as well. Was he not honest with me like he always pretended to be? Was it okay to just let him in? _He didn't give me a reason not to yet- But did he give me a reason to_ do _it?_ My fist clenched and unclenched several times in uncertainty as I slowly walked up to the counter and placed my bag behind it. It was surprising how fast one's mood could drop beyond zero. _The last time I trusted someone he left me completely soulless._ In the blink of an eye I masked my eyes and forced the known stoic expression back on before I turned towards Minhyuk _._ Right, what I had been doing then was completely wrong. _I should have thought about that before letting him come along earlier._

“Thanks for tagging along. You can go home now.” _I mustn't let anyone in._

“Isn't there anything I can help you with? There's nothing for me to do today and-”

“I'm fine on my own.” _Shutting them out is maintaining control._

The other stopped sulking to look at me in disbelief as I walked through the rows of food to check for anything I had to replace. “Hyungwon, what are you doing?”

_Showing emotions is showing weakness._ “My job.” Those two words caused me to get goosebumps all over my body and when I glanced at him for a split second, I saw that he was hurt and I resisted the urge to give him a warmer look. _I mustn't let_ anyone _in!_

Minhyuk took a few controlled breaths as he stared at me. One. Two. Three... His brows furrowed. “You're a liar. Don't hide from me.” _You're a fake._

“But that's the two things I'm good at”, I mumbled and wasn't even sure if he could hear me, absentmindedly arranging a few cans on a rack. “Hiding and lying.”

“I'm not giving up on you, please remember that. I'll make sure you keep that promise we made”, he replied with a disappointed shake of his head while slowly walking towards the front door until he disappeared without our gazes meeting again. Leaving just like that.

I sighed and took a deep breath while staring at the point where I had lost sight of him. “I'd like to see you try.”

I can practically hear you rant. 'Why won't that bastard just trust Minhyuk like he promised?' 'What has happened to him?' 'What's that guy's damn problem with the world?' Let me tell you that some problems cannot be solved by just answering these questions. Sometimes it is better to keep quiet. You'll deal with them on your own somehow. And then you'll get better some day.

Someday. Somehow.

 

Later that day, I was once again confronted with someone standing in front of the corner store when I was closing up. On a closer look, it wasn't just one person but two and I made out the shape of a crutch, concluding that it was Kihyun who was probably accompanied by Changkyun as always. Work had been tiring because I kept thinking about how I should distance myself from the others without ever coming to a conclusion and I opened the door with an expressionless face and a raised eyebrow. “What are you doing here?”

Changkyun had his back turned to the door and almost jumped at my voice whereas Kihyun just gave him a lazy smirk before glancing at me. “I was wondering how you were doing and the dog tagged along. You done with work?”

I blinked several times and held back a frown. “Why would you care?”

“Ouch.” Changkyun wiped away an imaginary tear and made his voice tremble on purpose with an overly dramatic gesture. “Look at how he's pushing us away.”

If he hadn't hit the bulls-eye I would probably have been amused. Kihyun slapped the back of the youngest' head with a roll of his eyes. “Tactless bastard. Anyway, Hyungwon, you're not feeling unwell or anything? Can you still feel all your body parts?”

It was only then that I understood what he was referring to and suppressed a sound of surprise. “You were worried?”

Changkyun probably wanted to make a sassy remark but was stopped by a weak (okay, maybe not that weak) punch to his side. Kihyun's eyes flickered between mine and the ground. “Well, you're not talking that much and I just... Minhyuk is a chatterbox, but you could tell _me_ if something's bothering you or something's wrong. I know of more secrets than you can imagine and I'm good at keeping them. Promise.”

His statement was meant well and I relaxed, about to say something when Changkyun interfered yet again. “What can I say, Kihyun always cared about his _dear_ comrades.”

We froze at that, both lost in our own thoughts for a moment and I blinked a few times to remain stable before taking a deep breath and glancing at Kihyun who seemed to be in the same sort of shock. _He ran away with a few others and was the only one to survive. The only one._ “Don't mind him.”

The older one remained stoic for another two seconds before snorting with a grin. “Told you he was tactless, I don't mind at all.” His expression faltered for a split second. _I should talk to Changkyun about that, he can't go around reminding people of their past and- Stop again._ _It's not my duty to interfere._ Changkyun seemed to get his mistake and started gnawing at his bottom lip while I sighed and locked the store's door behind me before making my way home. “Thanks for the offer but I'm fine.” The two of them trotted down the street behind me, Kihyun quietly scolding the youngest, and I was wondering why they were getting along so well if Changkyun repeatedly triggered bad memories. Shouldn't you stay away from a guy like that?

“Kyun, why don't you go and help preparing dinner?”, Kihyun said cheerfully and Changkyun hesitated before getting the hint and nodding. After he had run off, the older male sighed with his eyes pinned to the running figure's back. “He doesn't think things through before speaking”, he explained. “He doesn't think it to be that bad. 'He must be exaggerating, how bad can the army be?' That's his opinion.”

I wanted to keep my distance, but curiosity got the better of me and I buried my hands in my pockets. Because I knew that I had thought the same as Changkyun before. “Why would that leave you cold? He's inconsiderate, name a good point about that.”

Kihyun chuckled for a while and I noticed that I was walking too fast for him to keep up, subtly slowing down. “I hate it when people beat around the bush”, he shrugged. “If I spent my time around people who are trying too hard to be considerate I'd feel inferior and pitied. I don't want that.” The consistent sound of his crutches sped up when he looked me in the eyes. “I mean that you should just keep walking at a normal pace. If I can't keep up it shows that I still have to become stronger and that's good.”

I tried not to show how he got me there and stared straight ahead at the nearing house while taking a deep breath. “That's something you learned when being trained by the Chinese, right?”

“I never said it was the _Chinese_ army.” My opponent stopped for a short second to nudge me with his crutch and a lopsided smirk when I started stuttering. Yeah, I had been told by Minhyuk, but was it actually okay for me to know? My worries were unnecessary as Kihyun was not really surprised at the fact that I knew. _Well, Minhyuk_ is _a chatterbox after all_. “Straight-forward. That's the way I like it. But no, not really: Changkyun told me when he hid me from the officers.” Again he could only chuckle at my expression when he hobbled up to the door. “For the army the name of the game would be: if you're not strong enough you die, I guess. If there actually is anything I've learned there, being a killer machine aside, it's that humans never fail to surprise you. Mark my words.”

After shooting me another glance he opened the door and I slowed down until I stopped right at the doorframe, leaning my head against the wood with an inaudible sigh. Why did everybody in this house have to be this amiable? I could hear Kihyun scolding Changkyun for not even being able to cut up tomatoes the way you should and it reminded me of the days with my family before a certain face appeared in my life and I clenched my eyes shut when the familiar words hit me. _I've got too much to lose_. I was so sick of hearing this in my head. Kihyun was right: Humans never fail to surprise you, but that might not necessarily be a good thing at all.

“Do you not feel well?” I opened one eye to see a frowning Minhyuk right in front of me and was shocked at how silently that guy was moving. “I'll fetch you some water, wait a second.”

Before he could do anything I pushed myself off the doorframe and rushed past him. “I'm alright, really.“ I tried to skip dinner by going to my room, but much to my dislike, a certain male would not stop pestering me until I got myself something to eat and I sighed once I had finished, sitting around the table with the others as usual. _So much for distancing myself_ , I thought and left for my room to slump down on my bed with an itching arm. “What is this, does it come from the flower?”, I mumbled when I watched the white scratch marks turn red and sore after a few seconds though the itch just wouldn't disappear. _Probably a side-effect..._

“Are you really okay?”, Minhyuk's calm voice asked from the doorframe and I let out a sound of distress.

“Yeah, I'm just a little tired”, I snapped and could almost sense his doubt when his eyes rested on me for another few seconds before he decided to let it be and wish me a good night. He didn't even want to know any more, I figured and covered my eyes with my arm when a grin broke out on my face. _Tired. That was a good one._

Tired of being 'surprised' by humans.

Tired of being left behind.

Tired of everything.

_Yeah, right_. _I'm_ really _tired._

 

I withdrew from the others for the next days. Of course Minhyuk kept pestering me as always, but I tried not to let him get to me as much as before. The only times I was thrown off was when he came too close on purpose, resulting in a snap of mine and a surprised expression of his. I felt like I was on edge, bottling up my emotions after having shown them too openly for a week, and I couldn't bring myself to ignore the way Minhyuk would avert his eyes every time I shut him out. I hurt him.

When it was time to go to Seventeen's I thought about not going for a moment, but I was curious as to how the others were doing. Sounds like a paradox, right? I didn't want to get involved with anyone, but still went to check up on them. Well, I guess I wanted to make sure they hadn't died yet, because nobody deserves to die so soon. I had come along after a lot of pondering over it and was once more sitting on the wooden sofa with my book in my hand and repeatedly tapped the pencil against my lips without having spoken a single word with Minhyuk.

I knew this tactic would not last long though.

“Why?” _There he goes._

I clenched my teeth for a moment but didn't let anything else show. “I don't know what-”

“Don't. Lie. Not again.” The white-haired male glanced at the crowd around the fire with a slightly pained expression before staring at me. “I'm no danger to you. I can't understand why you would shut us out like this, seeing how it ruins yourself.”

“I'm not ruining myself-”

“There you go again.” Minhyuk's sharp tone had me stop with an annoyed sigh. “There might have been other people in your life but we are not, I repeat, _not_ abandoning anyone that easily.” I tightened my grip on the pencil when he kept going. “I told you you could trust me and nothing has changed about that. I'm not even pressuring you to tell us anything, I just don't want you to be a damn cold asshole around me.”

My breaths were long and deep and my head snapped around to glare at him who would always be unfazed by it. “It's better that way.”

“Better for whom?”

“For me.”

“I don't believe you to be that selfish.”

“It's the way I have to be.”

“Liar.“

_It's true._ I licked my lips. “Then it's the best for you? If that's what you want to hear.“

“Explain why.“

I groaned and ran a hand through my hair. “It's so that you won't strain that brain of yours with things that don't concern you. Good enough?“

Minhyuk stayed quiet, drawing patterns on the wood with his finger and I forced myself not to say anything, holding my breath to keep my emotions in check. The white-haired then looked at me again. “I still don't believe you.”

_Enough of this game._ “Then don't!” I stood up with a yet unknown fire blazing in my eyes, shutting my book with a loud thump while the only sign of Minhyuk's surprise was his widened eyes. “Why should I even care the _slightest_ if you believe me or not? Stop interfering with what is my business and just let me be!” The majority of the people around the fire hadn't noticed my outburst yet but I could make out worried glance s from Namjoon and Seungcheol though I didn't really care what others thought of me at that moment.

It took Minhyuk a few seconds to get himself together with a deep breath and he stood up as well to dust off his pants with a face void of any emotion. “Let's go home.”

“That's all you've got to say? _Let's go home_?!”

“Yes, that's all. Let's go home. I'm done with your bullshit and I don't want you to cause a scene in front of everybody.” Seeing his face proved that he was outright mad at me. _Was I too harsh?_ I blinked to delete that thought and collected my stuff in a hurry to follow Minhyuk through the tunnels. He was facing forward, just as talkative as a wall of bricks and I was confused and glad at the same time, because he looked like he was being serious. He would stop asking questions? That would be good for me, right? On the other hand: Why would he do that all of a sudden after trying to break into my mind for so long? _It's because he never cared about anything in the first place, Hyungwon. He was just playing with you, like everybody._

I felt strangely disappointed. Yeah right, he was abandoning me after seeing how I wasn't willing to cooperate and I scolded myself for believing he might actually be serious about this whole trust shit.

_I'm alone. That's what I wanted after all._

_And I'll always be._

 


	7. Memory is a bitch

Things got weird.

I noticed how the others would start being more careful around me since they didn't know why I was suddenly behaving differently. Wonho flirted a little less, Jooheon completely stopped communicating with me and Shownu would talk with his eyes low as if he didn't know how to face me. Minhyuk had gone to Exo again without another word, precisely following his flow chart and the orphans weren't at home at that time either, striding through the city. All I could do was stare at the gray and rainy weather outside or work.

And work was boring as fuck. It got to the point where I was wondering what was different from the week before. They were the same eight hours of work as always and yet they were annoyingly long because I knew how nobody would come by after work to pick me up. It was clear from the start but I didn't want to admit the reason. _You didn't need other people before either,_ my mind scolded me. And slowly but surely I could feel myself grow numb again as if the world got its black and white filter back. It was a world in which only myself and the snow in winter were white while the rest was made of pitch black darkness. _I can trust nobody, I am my own light_. Those were the things I thought. The things that kept me going.

When Minhyuk got back on Friday I didn't fail to see the slightly darker circles around his wrists and neck; I didn't worry though, he had wanted this for himself. Sometimes what you want is not what you really need, but even then you have to deal with it and keep going. And sometimes what you need is not what you want at all, so I remained cold, didn't even properly look at anyone anymore. Minhyuk did the same with me – acting like I wasn't even there and as much as this was what I needed, I felt hollow.

Days and nights went by. Days of boring shifts at work, desperate avoidance of conversations and nights that were either sleepless or filled with nightmares. I felt horrible and it was getting worse with each day, but I still had to do it. I had to shut everybody out to be able to breathe again one day. Trust nobody and you will live. And I wanted to live.

 

It worked until Sunday.

We were just about to finish an early dinner when Minhyuk already stood up and Jooheon sent him a questioning gaze. “I'm meeting up with a friend from the eastern faction. Will be back early in the morning.” Neither Changkyun and Kihyun nor Shownu were at home at the moment, leaving me with the flirt and the aggressive one. Great setting.

“Who are you meeting?”, Wonho asked.

“Yoonho, why?”

“Oh, I miss that guy, haven't seen him in a while.” The blond furrowed his eyebrows and glanced at Jooheon. “You never meet up though.”

Jooheon agreed. “Right, when was the last time you did? Five months ago? Why all of a sudden?” Even though I lowered my head immediately I could sense everybody's stares on me and I knew that the following silence was meant for me to notice.

“I just want to catch up concerning the situation at their place. No big deal.” Minhyuk walked into the corridor to put on his shoes and a thick jacket – it had gotten really cold over the past days – before turning towards us again. “Hyungwon? Want to come along? I'll introduce you.” I frowned, opened my mouth, closed it and then looked up with a blank expression all in the blink of an eye.

We looked at each other for a total of ten seconds. Ten unbearably long seconds in which I didn't even move the slightest whereas his eyes showed me hope, fear, curiosity and at long last anger. The reasons were obvious: He hoped that I would stop ignoring him, feared that I would say no, got curious as to why I was being like this and then mad because I didn't give him any reaction at all.

The reason for me not moving was that everything I did could be interpreted by him. If I said no, he would ask me why and I'd have to explain things. If I said yes, I'd have to stop ignoring him and abandon my strategy. If I even thought about it, he would see the struggle in my eyes, it was as simple as that.

The result of me doing nothing would be far worse though.

Once the dealer had slammed the door shut without even saying good-bye Wonho raised an eyebrow at me. “What are you trying to achieve?”

My face was a perfected stoic mask when I stared back at him. “I don't know what you mean-”

“Don't give me that bullshit”, Jooheon barked and slammed his fist on the table while Wonho raised his hand to stop him and kept looking at me.

“You've distanced yourself from everybody again. It's back to the way you were three weeks ago, if not worse. What happened?”

It was my turn to raise an eyebrow. “And you thought I had changed in such a short time? Sorry to disappoint you, but I didn't.” _You disappoint me_. “People never change once their mind is set. They're selfish.”

“You're the same as before you say?” Wonho's eyes narrowed and he gave Jooheon another glance before standing up, grabbing my arm and pulling me out into the freezing garden. Really, how could it be this cold? Wonho didn't even shiver, whereas I couldn't keep as calm.

“What's this supposed to be?”, I asked with a slight frown when he closed the door and immediately pinned me against the outside of the house.

My eyes widened in shock and my head jerked from left to right to look for a way out, but Wonho's arms were too strong when they held me in place. Nobody had come this close in days. Too close _._ “I thought we could help but would you look at that, you _really_ didn't change, did you?”, the blond purred with his face only a few inches away from mine and a gasp of panic escaped my lips. “Little Hyungwon is still _so_ scared of physical contact.”

“Let go.”

“Tell me why you shut us out.”

“I said let _go_.” My voice must have been a dangerously low hiss, but the other's smirk only widened.

“I might be too – what did you call it? Ah yeah – _selfish_ to do that. I like what I see and I won't be holding back, seeing how you don't care about us either.” _He won't jump you at night though, so don't worry_. Well, Minhyuk was wrong. I tried to wiggle out of his hold, but he wouldn't let me and that was the first time I really regretted having shut Minhyuk out.

“I don't need any of you”, I panted between two rattling breaths, but my opponent just twisted his lips in discontent.

“What do you think, how far can I go until you snap and tell me the truth?”, Wonho whispered, shifting even closer than I had thought it to be possible and I needed a moment to get myself together – not that I was really successful. He didn't really mean that, did he? I pushed his hands away from my shoulders and almost escaped him when the blond got a hold of my wrists and pinned me against the wall again despite my protests. I couldn't kick him either due to his close proximity, it was a frightening déjà-vu when he leaned his forehead against mine to look at me. _I've been here before._ The realization hit me hard and my legs were trembling with fear. I had wanted to become stronger but in the end it was the same result: I was done for. _I'm still nothing but helpless._

My whole body went limp and I lowered my eyes so that he wouldn't see how he had broken me but by shifting his weight he managed to pull my chin up, watching a single tear escape my eye. “I knew you would cooperate sooner or later.” His voice was now void of any seductiveness and he let go of me to watch me sink down on my knees before he crouched down bracing one arm against the wall right next to me head to keep looking me in the eye. _Cooperate_ , I thought and desperately wished I could react as always and just put it off with a huff. “You're a bad liar.” If I hadn't been completely shattered, I would have punched him and run away, but I couldn't even bring myself to stop shaking. The pain was just as present as before.

Suddenly, the door to the house opened and someone joined us. “Hey, I forgot to ask Hyungwon where he-” He inhaled sharply and I stared at Wonho with big eyes, but the elder looked unmoved except for a devilish smirk. He erased it from his face and licked his lips before he turned to the new arrival we both knew the name of. I was shivering when a cold breeze hit the streak my tear had left behind on my cheek and couldn't control my breathing anymore. I was practically having a panic attack.

“Oh. Good you came back.” Wonho turned to look at me once more with a gaze that was now as cold as ice and for the first time, I couldn't bring myself to wear my mask and remain unmoved because I was shocked beyond words.

“Wonho, what did you-”

“Pick up that trash for me. I'm going out to have some fun.” He shoved the other male and I could hear his steps fade until the front door was slammed shut again and I was left in the freezing garden without knowing what had actually happened in just two minutes. The danger had left. I was still here. And yet I was completely broken. Where had I gone wrong?

“Are you okay?” _Hey, are you okay? What's your name?_

My head snapped towards the voice's owner and I was confused to see Minhyuk standing there. _That's it._ A head of platinum blond hair flashed in front of my mind's eye – and it wasn't Wonho, oh no.

_...Cài? That means turtle! You'll be turtle from now on. Hey, turtle, let's grab something to eat._

_This is where it started going downhill._ Getting involved with others was one big mistake. But looking at me now, fighting on my own obviously was a mistake as well. Shutting them all out was a mistake. What did I ever do that wasn't wrong? Was there even a right choice? I didn't care about my surroundings anymore, burying my face in my knees with quiet sobs shaking my entire body. 

I didn't know for how long I had been crouching there in the cold with soft light coming from the corridor and throwing long shadows on the wall behind me. My life was a mess, I just hadn't wanted to admit it until then. Not until Wonho revived that trauma. Staying with Monsta X was a mistake.  _My whole_ life  _is a mistake-_

“It's snowing.”

I looked up with big eyes. Leaning against the wall opposite to me sat Minhyuk mirroring my posture without the ugly salty tears streaming down his face like they did on mine. He seemed to suppress a shiver and I was wondering how cold it actually was since I didn't feel anything anymore, but when I looked up at the sky I could tell he was right: After weeks of pouring rain there were tiny snowflakes floating down from the sky. Tens. Hundreds. Thousands of white crystals came down and settled on the grass, stones and trees in comforting silence.

“You know, I asked Shownu about it the other day”, Minhyuk's voice ripped me out of my trance and I glanced at him again. He held out a hand as if he was reaching for the sky. “Snow often symbolizes cleansing.” One of the snowflakes landed right on the tip of his finger like a bird in spring and he smiled a little before returning my gaze. “Let's mark this day as a new beginning for you, okay? Your second chance.”

_Yes!_ Without my consent, my eyes filled with tears again and I hid my face from him before they could wet my cheeks. I wanted to say something. Say how much I wanted to start over, but something that had been imprinted on my mind long ago stopped me.

_There's no going back for you. You know how they always give you second and third chances on TV? Well, this is real life. This is different.  
What if we don't comply?_

_Ask Kibum about that, he'll gladly answer you._

We all knew what that meant back then – Kibum was already dead. There was no such thing like a second chance, you only get to choose once. From then on you've got to work things out on your own.

Suddenly the silence pushed my shoulders down like heavy weights and I rubbed my sleeve over my eyes to remove the most obvious tears before I dared to lock gazes with Minhyuk again.

How long had he been sitting there in silence, doing nothing but watching me have a breakdown? _As long as it takes you to get yourself together, obviously._ “I can't change my past.” Was that my voice? It was a barely audible croak and I took a few controlled breaths to calm down. “Can't change who I was and what I witnessed.”

Minhyuk's dark eyes pierced me and I could see him struggle because he wanted to comfort me but to give me space as well. “Then change what the future holds. Break away from your standards. Walk in a different direction...Try new things. Things you didn't think you'd ever do before.”

I wanted to laugh. Hadn't I _tried_ to run away from everything? Why else would I be here? I kept my mouth shut and another long silence spread between us until Minhyuk quietly cleared his throat. “Can I... Can I come a little closer?” Again I didn't answer, but looked at him for a moment before closing my eyes with a deep breath as if to brace myself and he got the hint, slowly shuffling closer until he could put a hand on my back. He did this very carefully as if I was a rare animal he didn't want to chase away – well, I kind of was one.

Another silence of maybe five minutes passed until the cold breeze created another wave of shivers on my skin and I could hear steps coming through the corridor towards us, bracing myself for whatever was to come. I was in no state to reply to anyone right now, not to speak of fighting back if needed and I shut my eyes once I had classified the person's slow steps as Shownu's who must have come home from work.

“Hey, it's getting cold inside, mind if I shut-” Again he stopped himself just like Minhyuk had done before when he took in the scene.

“Welcome home, Shownu”, Minhyuk uttered and I glanced at him, seeing him smile a little at the eldest.

His opponent on the other hand didn't return the greeting and took a moment to put his bags aside, returning from the living room after a few seconds. He then stepped out of the house and grabbed my left arm with a grip made of iron before pulling me up. I wanted to protest at first, but the way he looked at me left no room for an argument and I just averted my eyes and watched as Minhyuk followed suit when Shownu led me into the house and up the stairs into my room.

“Jooheon said you were out for more than forty minutes, you'll catch a cold”, was all he mumbled on the way right when he sat me down on my bed and was just about to turn and leave the room again when he stopped. “Try to sleep. We can talk tomorrow if you want to.” Minhyuk wanted to come to my side, but Shownu held him back and they stared at each other for some time, seemingly conversing through their eyes until the white-haired male bit his lip and searched my gaze.

“See you tomorrow.”

Then both of them walked out of my room, closing the door to leave me alone and make it possible for me to calm down. They couldn't have done anything more understanding of the situation than this and again I could feel a hot tear run down my cheek only that this time, it wasn't a tear of sadness but one of relief. They weren't pushing me away unlike what others might have thought of these actions, no. _See you tomorrow._ They were waiting for me to come to them and that was all I could ask for.

And that was all I needed to keep going.

 

________________

 

 

Hyungwon had avoided me for a total of five days. No, scratch that, he outright _ignored_ me.

It got to the point where I got so mad I decided to just wait for Monday instead of pressuring him to tell me anything. Two could play his game. Hyungwon wanted to be all alone in the world and yet I could see how he was suffering there on his own. He wouldn't have stayed with us if he really wanted us to get lost and that was all I needed to know.

I gave him another chance, asking him to come with me to meet Yoonho, but when he didn't say anything, I felt like I might explode at any moment and slammed the door shut behind me as I paced down the street. Once I rounded a corner I stopped and leaned against the wall with my eyes clenched shut. “He will have a reason”, I mumbled, creating tiny clouds with every breath I took. “He will have a reason.”

I didn't want him to explain his actions. I just wanted him to stop them and I wished that he could be more considerate of what was good for himself. He needed people around him, needed someone he could lean on. I took a few deep breaths when an idea popped up in my head and I turned to glance at the dimly lit street I had come from. “Oh, fuck me, what can go wrong?” Burying my hands in my jacket's pockets I walked back towards my house. I wanted to ask Hyungwon for that little book of his, the one he'd bring along to the gang gatherings in the subway, and add the data I got from Yoonho. I thought it to be a subtle yet effective way to show him that I could help.

When I walked back into the living room only Jooheon was left to do the dishes and I frowned. “Where are the other two?” He gave me a short glance but didn't reply right away. Then, when I was about to ask again, he spat out three words as if he wasn't allowed to.

“In the garden.”

My frown deepened, but I shrugged it off and walked up to the back door. “Hey, I forgot to ask Hyungwon where he-” I didn't get any further once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, presenting me a very confusing scene: Hyungwon was crouching on the floor, pressing himself against the wall behind him as if he'd be able to disappear through it if only he tried hard enough while Wonho squatted in front of him, his whole body dangerously close to Hyungwon's. I could have thought that this was happening by mutual agreement, but knowing Wonho and reading his opponent's face it was fairly easy to tell that this was not the case and Wonho was forcing himself on him.

“Oh. Good you came back”, Wonho uttered and let go of Hyungwon but I didn't understand a thing.

“Wonho, what did you-”

“Pick up that trash for me. I'm going out to have some fun.” He pushed past me and...winked...without another word as I returned my gaze to Hyungwon who was sitting there like he was having a panic attack. _I'll have to punch the playboy once he gets back_ , I thought dryly.

“A-Are you okay?” He didn't answer and only buried his face in his arms with quiet sobs shaking his body every now and then. After a lot of watching and observing in silence I got him to talk and even managed to shuffle a little closer when Shownu got back and forced the younger to stand up and go to his room like he was used to that kind of behavior. If Wonho had managed to make a wreck out of our outsider in less than five minutes it would be the best to leave him on his own to recover for a while until he was ready for us and I left the room along with Shownu to go back to Jooheon downstairs.

And I waited.

Nobody dared to speculate over what had happened and Wonho was out – probably finding himself another girl to start something with – leaving us on pins and needles for the next few hours. Everybody went to their rooms around midnight and I lay on my bed spread out like a starfish and staring at the ceiling in restlessness for a while. Nothing could make me fall asleep until I could tell Hyungwon was fine and I couldn't take it anymore sneaking a peek at his bedroom that was covered in darkness. I could hear his calm breathing and thought that he was fast asleep when he mumbled something cloudy. “What did you say?”, I whispered, stopping in my tracks.

Hyungwon turned on his bed with a sigh I couldn't classify and let his arm dangle from the bed's side. “Thanks...staying...with me...”

I didn't know if he was even aware of his own utterance when he started snoring peacefully only a split second later, but I couldn't bite back a smile hearing these words. He was actually recovering, at least it seemed to be like that, and I tiptoed out of the room without having the smile leave my lips for even a second until I was covered with my heavy warm blanket, thinking about how Hyungwon thanking me filled me with a feeling of pride. _One step at a time. We'll do this, I promise_.

 

The next day, I woke up when Shownu closed the front door and got out of bed ten minutes later, just in time to catch Wonho who was about to leave for work as well. “Hey.”

He froze and slowly turned around with a lopsided smirk on his lips, but it couldn't cover up the fact that his eyes were hooded. I wondered how many hours of sleep he had that night, definitely too few of them, and I was about to open my mouth when he interrupted me.

“I might want to talk to him when I get back.” The blond inhaled before heaving his bag over his shoulder with a yawn. “Be prepared.”

“What did you do to him?”

Again he stopped, his shoulders rising and falling with a deep sigh as his grip on the bag tightened. “I don't know.”

“Wait, what will you-” But he didn't give me the time to ask anything else as he was already past the door and I bit my lip. Wonho was our dark horse and after all the years I had known him he still managed to surprise me. His skill to spontaneously observe and judge a situation was one of the reasons why I even got along with him. _Just like a certain someone sleeping upstairs_ , I thought with a roll of my eyes, making myself comfortable on the sofa to think about the overall situation. Wonho said he didn't know, so was he improvising everything? Taking lucky guesses and going with the flow? He was a master at that game of pretense and I couldn't follow him.

The wooden staircase creaked. “Morning”, Jooheon yawned when he came into the room to get ready for university and grabbed an apple from the counter in the kitchen before sitting down on his armchair next to me and resting his feet on my lap without even asking.

“I feel kind of passed over; don't you ever _ask_ if you are allowed to do something? Ever heard of manners? And your feet are smelly.”

He raised an eyebrow and bit into his apple. “You should know that by now.”

“Was that about your behavior or your feet?”

“Both.”

“You're impossible.”

Jooheon grinned with a wink before turning serious again. “You know, about yesterday- I...didn't exactly know what Wonho was going to do, okay? Fuck, I still don't know what he really did, but I trust his decisions.”

_Too bad he doesn't know either._ I put on a carefree smirk to cover my uncertainty and nudged his feet off my thighs before my eyes started darting around the room. “You think it was good to revive Hyungwon's trauma? He could barely breathe, it was horrible to watch and I wanted to make it stop so bad-”

“Yes, it _was_ the best thing to do”, Jooheon interrupted me as he stood up and packed his bag. “He locked himself up and sometimes you need someone to tear those walls down for you.”

“And Wonho is that person?”

The younger shook his head. “Wonho only created a hole to peep through, but he's not one to take responsibility.” He glanced at his reflection in the mirror, adjusting his hair for a while and I watched him, wondering why he would even busy his mind with the outsider until something clicked.

“You would accept Hyungwon if we asked him to become a part of us.”

Jooheon's hand stopped and his eyes met mine through the mirror, the corner of his mouth turning down in malcontent. “Don't know. I can't say for sure. Only if he stops bringing us down like that. His aura is toxic the way it is now, I can't even bear to look at that brat's face without getting angry. And yet you seem so fascinated by him. What will you do about him?”

I bit my cheek for a while, accompanying Jooheon to the door and he was about to leave when I sighed. “Could you make a detour for me? Tell Kihyun to take over Hyungwon's shift at the supermarket. His boss is there every Monday morning and Hyungwon has a fever and can't come in case anyone asks.”

My opponent's mouth twisted again before he decided to nod. “So you're really gonna do this, huh?” When I shrugged he could only huff, turning his back on me and raising his fist in the air. “I hate you, but that's why I like you so much. Tear those walls down, do it for the domestic peace.”

He definitely heard me chuckle afterwards and I closed the door, leaning my forehead against the wood while letting go of my smile for once with a groan. “Right. For the domestic peace.”

 

Hyungwon came down around eleven in the morning though I could see he had been awake for much longer since he didn't seem drowsy at all and the bags under his eyes revealed that he hadn't slept as well as I had hoped. Today was drug day again, he would've been on edge even if he hadn't had a panic attack the day before. Once he learned about the time his eyes widened and he looked around for his shoes, but I had thrown them into the garden before sitting down so that he wouldn't run away as fast. Yesterday's snow had mostly melted away, but it was still pretty cold, the streets full with slush and I swore to myself that I wouldn't go out to chase after him if he ran.

“You're not going to work today.” He stopped, only now actually noticing me and trying to cover up the shock evident on his face while clutching at the wooden stairs' banister and sinking down on the first step as if that'd make him invisible. “Don't worry, Kihyun will cover up for you.”

“Where's Wonho?” I didn't miss out on the slightly trembling voice.

“He's not here.” I didn't walk up to him, didn't even move. This situation required tact. “That's what I wanted to ask you about.”

“I can't tell you anything. I don't know what happened.” _Does_ anyone _know what happened yesterday?_ Hyungwon breathed in and out audibly, a try to calm himself down, before drawing himself up and surveying me as he made his way to the kitchen, wearing a poor version of his emotionless expression. He was afraid of talking to me.

“You're not the Hyungwon I know. I wouldn't be able to see past your mask if you were.” He flinched and I could practically see him scolding himself for showing this much weakness. “It's okay.” I smiled. “You have to let down your guard every once in a while.”

“I was _forced_ to.” His fingers dug into the door frame to the kitchen. “That can't be the same.”

“What did he do before I came back?”

“Nothing!” The dark-haired male hissed and clenched his eyes shut while hugging himself. “I don't want to talk to you.”

“I just want an objective description of the situation.”

“Why don't you ask _him_ then?”, he hissed and I bit my lip. “I bet he can give you the objective details of me being in absolute panic. Maybe he'll even tell you how easy it was and what he would've done if you hadn't come back as a bonus.”

_What he would've done._ I blinked. “Wonho wouldn't force himself on you _that_ way, he just-”

“In that case you don't seem to know him as well as you might want to make yourself believe, ever thought of that?” But I knew better. I had my reasons to believe in Wonho. Crazy to crazy was the solution.

The situation felt like I was standing on a tightrope. One wrong step and I'd lose. Hyungwon was a ticking bomb. _Only the truth, Minhyuk, tell him what you know._ “He doesn't even know what exactly he has done to you. None of us know what happened to you before and I guess he just took a lucky guess and hit the bullseye.”

“A lucky guess.” Hyungwon huffed and let out a sound of disbelieving astonishment. “He completely destroyed me and all my defenses. You call that a _lucky guess_?”

“Then why don't you just give in and spill the beans? Everybody needs people he can be himself around.”

His head jerked up and his jaw tensed when he glared at me. “So you'd like that, huh? Seeing me broken and incapable? Seeing me suffer in my most vulnerable state?”

“Maybe. Don't think your opinions on things are the only ones. I actually want to help you”, I hissed. “Life is a war, Hyungwon and we're the soldiers. You may be strong, but sometimes you have to understand that you can't only march on on your own. You will use up all your resources and then be left lifeless. If you have a camp of comrades to return to and fill up your supplies you'll live longer.” I averted my gaze when his face screwed up a little. “You might even live happier.”

“How does Kihyun even deal with you? Not just Changkyun but you're using military metaphors like they're a joke as well.” I knit my brows at his now dangerously low voice, didn't look at him though and he got closer until he stood in front of me. “Live happier? You think this is a _fucking_ joke?” _Add 'military' to the endless list of mysteries about Hyungwon,_ I thought, suppressing a sigh. Suddenly, he darted forward and grabbed me by the collar to draw me up from my seat and held me at arm's length. _What-_ “I asked you a question, _comrade._ That's what you want to be, right? Then answer me. _”_

_ Think, Minhyuk. His guard is down, you can do anything you want. _ I was used to this kind of unpredictable behavior – I wouldn't have survived Namjoon or EXO if I wasn't – and kept my face blank. “You tell me, I wouldn't know.” I turned my head to look at him whose eyes practically wanted to murder me while his mouth formed a thin line. “Is the military a joke?”

He threw me back onto the sofa and with every time he blinked his wrath would be mixed with a little more sadness while silence surrounded us. I don't know how long he stood there but he eventually took a deep breath and sat down on Jooheon's armchair a few steps away, his voice merely a whisper. “It's not.” He had messed things up. I wasn't supposed to see him like that at all and he dug his nails into his palms in frustration.

I licked my lips and rested my head against the seat back with my eyes closed. He'd have to get used to it. “Then I'll be your comrade because I'm not joking either.” _Time for my own lucky guess._ “So you've been there before? Like Kihyun?”

“It's not- well, it's too complicated.”

“You could try-”

“No. No, I can't.” I kept my head tilted towards the ceiling and opened my eyes to see a bunch of cracks forming in the white material covering the house's foundation. I'd have to tell Shownu about that before it broke one day. “I mustn't.”

Again we fell back into deafening silence and I finally managed to glance at him with a reassuring smile. “Okay.” Hyungwon's eyes had been on me the entire time, I could tell, and his frown indicated that he wasn't prepared for a positive answer. “I trust you to tell me if you need me to know one day.” He wouldn't tell me now anyway. I knew when to give up. For the moment.

His expression went through several changes as if he didn't know whether my reply was a good or a bad thing, but he then just bit his lip. “You won't need to know.”

I stood up with a sigh and put on the smile I was so used to wearing as I walked past him and into the kitchen to grab myself a glass of water. “That's not quite the same thing.” He turned to look at me with so many emotions in his eyes but all I could see was that it didn't seem to trigger some other memory of his and I suppressed a sigh of relief cocking my head to the side. “But if you could still stop treating us like shit I'd appreciate that.”

 

We were able to have civilized conversations after that, listening to the radio and just sitting around. Hyungwon finally gave up on going to work after looking for his shoes for twenty minutes – it was weird how he didn't even consider looking in the garden, but okay – and I was just boiling water to make us two cups of ramyun when Jooheon got back home around two in the afternoon. Hyungwon stood in the corner opposite to mine trying to show that he wouldn't distance himself too much anymore though he still needed space. And he was probably hungry but, well, I like my first interpretation better.

Jooheon glanced at the two of us but didn't say a thing until he saw the food on the counter. “Make me one, too”, he demanded and left for the living room again, throwing his jacket and bag over the armchair. “It's cold as fuck.” Jooheon groaned without expecting a reply and waited for five minutes to pass until we could start eating.

Later, Hyungwon wanted to stand up to throw away the cups and knocked a glass over in the process but there was nothing in it and the glass didn't break either. It wasn't a big deal to me and I _almost_ missed out on how Hyungwon's hand curled into a fist while he took a deep breath as if to calm himself down before biting his lip and slowly placing the glass upright again.

Jooheon knit his brows behind his textbook while I kept looking at Hyungwon with a knowing yet sad expression. He had the attention span of a goldfish and the patience of a child – it was because he wasn't emotionally stable. His body was low on drugs and his mind was still suffering from the panic attack. My walk on the tightrope was not over until that boy got his drugs. Before I could ask him about his mood swings the door was slammed open again and Changkyun came in with a pout. “I hate Kihyun.”

_Speaking of mood swings_. I glanced over at the youngest with a sigh. “What did you do?”

He stopped to look at me in disbelief. “Me? I said I hated _Kihyun_ , shouldn't you ask me what _he_ did?”

I rolled my eyes with a smirk. “Yeah, I guess. But I know you and I know Kihyun, so I guess the problem will be you.”

“Impossible! After all this time you prefer him!? Do I have to remind you-”

Jooheon put his book away with an angry snort since he wasn't able to concentrate. “Just admit it, you're wasting our time.”

Changkyun shut his mouth and looked at Hyungwon for help who stood up without a word and left for the kitchen with our cups. He was gnawing on his bottom lip and I could sense his discomfort with his own behavior which was probably the reason for him trying to lock up again. “I-”, Changkyun started with a pout, regaining my attention. “I wanted to help Kihyun at the shop, but he wouldn't let me. Then he sent me away because I wanted to take some ramyun with me. He never says anything against it any other day!”

Hyungwon came back from the kitchen with an eyebrow raised, seemingly being his old self. “You're not stealing from  _ my _ workplace, alright?  _ Kihyun  _ knows that.”

I nodded in agreement. “Yeah and why ramyun, we have enough of them?”

The youngest bit his lip and drew patterns on the sofa. “Wonho loves ramyun.”

_Of course, Wonho. I don't get why he still idolizes him like that_ , I thought and Jooheon and I rolled with our eyes simultaneously while Hyungwon just tensed up at the mention of the blond's name. It was the same since Wonho had brought Changkyun into our house: The younger was looking up to him as if he was some kind of hero and would practically do everything to help him somehow. We dropped the topic soon causing Changkyun to pout with his arms crossed while Jooheon glanced at Hyungwon. “So, are you okay? You won't ignore us anymore, right?”

His dark-haired opponent stared back at him with an emotionless facade, but I spotted a spark of surprise in his eyes. “I don't know why that should concern you.” A lopsided grin then appeared on his face. “But yeah, maybe. I might try.”

Jooheon's narrowed eyes turned into slight crescents when he punched Hyungwon's arm. “You're an asshole.”

“I know”, he said with a sigh. “Thanks.”

Just a few hours later, Wonho came home. And my walk on the tightrope went on.

 


	8. Trauma kills Sleep

The sun had set not too long ago as I glanced out of the window just when a blond head of hair came towards our house and my eyes widened. I turned to Changkyun and Jooheon. “Into your rooms. Now.”

The elder was skilled at reading my face and didn't question my change in demeanor but the youngest wasn't quite as understanding. “Wait, I don't have a room. And why in the first place-”

“Shut up. He'll explain later”, Jooheon shot me another glance and I nodded when he dragged a loudly protesting Changkyun upstairs while Hyungwon frowned at me from his spot on the sofa with his back turned to the door.

I didn't have any time to speak up when the front door opened and Wonho met my gaze immediately while casting away his shoes and taking off his thick jacket. I swallowed and Hyungwon tensed up as if he knew who was coming for him there. Wonho strode into the room, closed the door and loosened the tie around his neck while the other male rose to his feet in a hurry and distanced himself from the blond as much as he could. “Minhyuk, leave the room. I want to talk to him.”

I decided to do as Wonho said after just a short moment of hesitation, ready to leave the two of them alone. I could trust him, no matter how fucked up his methods seemed to be. He would not break Hyungwon like that again if the latter played out his cards well but before I could actually go, slim fingers grabbed my upper arm so tight I could feel the blood getting stuck. “Minhyuk will stay.”

Hyungwon's voice was steady but when I saw his eyes they were frantically observing Wonho's every move and he shifted a little to have me stand in between them. I didn't say a word and just exchanged a glance with Wonho as the blond began smiling brightly. “I see you have learned your lesson, Hyungwon. You don't want him to leave you? Such a good boy.”

The younger male seemed to snap out of a trance and quickly let go of my arm while lowering his gaze. “What are you talking about?”

“It's as simple as you said.” Wonho got a few steps closer and Hyungwon's back hit the wall but the former didn't spare him another glance, stopping in front of me instead and raising my chin with one hand to make me look at him. “He said 'Minhyuk will stay', I heard it loud and clear. He's right, right, Minhyuk?”

I frowned, searching his eyes for answers. He had to have a motive – reverse psychology was something he was extraordinarily good at – but I couldn't find it. “Why am I in the center of attention all of a sudden, I thought this was about Hyungwon? Let go.” Wonho pouted and leaned a little closer, his face just inches away from me and his hot breath stroking my skin but I simply raised an eyebrow, completely unfazed. It wouldn't be the first time if he kissed me, I stopped caring about that long ago.

“You know, Hyungwon wasn't all that fun yesterday.” Now that was a little different.

_Why exactly am_ I _the one surrounded by crazy people?_ I took his hand and forced him to release my chin while talking, unable to watch Hyungwon and my friend at the same time. Still, I felt like Hyungwon was tensing up at the other's words. He was thrown over the edge again. “Wonho, what is this, let go and focus. You need drugs, right? I want you to let go and say what you want to say to Hyungwon. Just. Spill it.”

“I really just wanted to clarify this: You'd never resist us, right? You'll always be exactly where we want you to be. Where he wants you to be.” His eyes clouded with something dark for a short moment and he leaned even closer. “Where _I_ want you to be-” He stopped and glanced over my shoulder with a calculating gaze, his eyes widening for a split second before everything happened really fast.

It was just one second. He let out an unhealthy splutter while I was finally freed of his grasp and suddenly, Hyungwon stood between us and had Wonho's arm trapped behind his back with rage burning in his eyes. “He told you to fucking let go. He doesn't need to tell you a thing. Talk to me if you have to”, he growled, but Wonho just laughed out loud.

“This is getting better with every day! Hyungwon, why didn't you do that yesterday when I-ah!” He stopped with a wince as the dark-haired male kept twisting his arm with an indifferent gaze.

“You're pitiful, latching on everything within reach. Minhyuk isn't your property. Nor is he anyone's. We're no objects”, Hyungwon muttered, looking like a completely different person and I reached out with my hand to touch his arm. He flinched and breathed in, looking at me for a moment before he released the elder and brought two steps between us again like an animal crouching in a bush right next to its prey. “You might want to apologize. For today. And maybe for yesterday as well.”

“I don't think so. Why should I apologize to you? It's not like I did anything bad.” The blond kept smiling at the two of us and licked his lips, burying his hands in his pockets. “It was you who reacted like I was-”

“Not to me”, Hyungwon whispered and Wonho raised his brows as he followed his gaze to... me. “Him. He cleaned up after you. Some friend you are.”

My eyes widened while the blond's bright smile just turned into a calculating and serious expression. “Clever boy. There is so much more to you than we thought, right? More than even you can handle, so you try to hide it all at once.” The other's eyes were guarded but he lowered his head a bit.

“Maybe. So what?”

“Even if he _does_ , it's not important, right?”, I interfered, panicking because the dangerous growl of Hyungwon's voice didn't vanish. This was not our Hyungwon who was socially awkward, shy and unapproachable, no, this was a Hyungwon of the past. And he was scary as fuck. “We all have secrets, even I do. Look, we're all a little on edge today and we should talk this out tomorrow when we can think straight, okay?” I shot Wonho a warning glance and he raised his hands in defeat.

“ _He_ was the one snapping at me in the first place, I already said all I wanted to say anyway.” _More like he_ did _all he wanted to_ do _._ I figured that he knew exactly how he was invading Hyungwon's space on a psychological level though he didn't know why. Like I said before, Wonho is Monsta X' dark horse and he is so quick witted one can barely follow him. Before he got to work at the bank he used to gamble and he was so good people soon didn't want to play with him anymore. He didn't lose a single time. They said he was in league with the devil.

And now he had done everything right without even knowing the rules of the game he was playing. Hyungwon had buried himself in a pitch black hole and Wonho just floodlit it, rendering the prior helpless. It was for everyone's best. But the way Hyungwon sat in the cold garden the evening before was a picture I couldn't get rid off and I felt my fist shake with frustration. I was mad at Wonho for playing sick psycho games with someone I'd consider to be a friend by now. But I was even more mad at myself for letting it come this far.

I could have let it go, but something inside of me didn't want to and I glanced back at Hyungwon who just stood there motionlessly. I spread my fingers and slapped Wonho's cheek in one swift movement, the smacking sound echoing in my ears. “That's for triggering Hyungwon's panic attack yesterday”, I hissed, immediately feeling bad for the red imprint on his face. “I don't want your apology.”

And yet, Wonho kept smiling. “You're welcome, honey.” He glanced at Hyungwon once more before turning around and grabbing his bag to leave for his room. “See you later.” He opened the door to the corridor and cocked his ears for a moment just to chuckle a second later. “I guess you won't need to explain anything to the youngsters”, he mumbled more to himself than anyone else. “Those brats got so good at eavesdropping, I wonder who taught them.”

He left us on our own and I looked to Hyungwon in worry. “A-are you okay?”

The corner of his mouth twitched and he returned my gaze with a neutral expression. “Sure. Have to. You?” I nodded out of reflex and only then noticed that he had _asked_ me if I was fine on his own accord. _One step at a time_. “Good.” He clenched his teeth for a few seconds before clutching at his side, something I had seen him do whenever he was stressed out. “Look, I know this is just a game he's playing. And you're probably involved in the planning.” My brows raised and he returned my gaze with a pained glint in his eyes.

“I'm not-”

“I know and yet I can't do anything about it.” _He thinks_ I _know what Wonho wants to achieve?_ “Why can't I keep calm? Why are his actions getting to me?”

“Hyungwon, I really don't know _what_ he's doing to you. I have no idea. I'm just as clueless as you, I swear.” I slowly raised my hand to reach out to him but he dodged by reflex and I gave up on physical contact with a sigh. “It's the Delphinium. You get vicious mood swings, I can tell. That's because your body is getting too accustomed to the high. I'll have to manage your consumption a little, I guess.”

Hyungwon stared at me steadfastly for a few seconds, then nodded and sat down at the table with his face buried in his hands. “I can't control myself. My nightmares are getting worse as well. But it feels too good to stop.”

“I know”, I whispered with my eyes lowered to the ground, frowning. “What do you dream about?”

He froze for a few moments and then started to chuckle like mad. “See? That's it. I didn't even mean to say that out loud.”

“But what do you dream about, Hyungwon?”

“Things I don't need you to know of.”

“They are just dreams.”

“I wish they were.” He sighed. “All I can do is hide from them.”

_There he goes._ I rolled my eyes and let him be, not wanting to upset him again. He had done well enough for one day. “Yeah, okay, let's not argue about that right now. But what I  _do_ need to know is when your shift at the supermarket ends. Where's Kihyun, I hope he didn't trip and die”, I mentioned with a slight chuckle, simply overlooking how his nightmares were a difficult topic.

He raised his head from his hands and glanced at his watch, thankful for the easy change of topic. “He should be back any time now. The shop closed half an hour ago and I guess my boss won't let a guy on crutches wipe the whole floor. It's actually a surprise Kihyun wasn't sent away.”

I nodded and turned towards the corridor, taking a deep breath to shout. “Changkyun! Go and get Kihyun will you?”

After some time, the youngest came down the stairs. “I said I hated him!” I cocked my head to the side and raised an eyebrow, causing his shoulders to sink in defeat as he started putting on his shoes. “I hate him. It's cold”, was all he mumbled before stepping outside and I couldn't suppress a chuckle.

“He's such an idiot.”

 

________________

 

 

It was a tough day. Not only had I dreamed of them both again, but I also lost control over my own reactions. I got mad. I got defensive. I took a wrong step when I made a dash at Minhyuk in the morning but I could still try to cover it up if I didn't give him a reason to ask questions. I didn't want to ignore him anymore, I really didn't, and I would sincerely try to socialize, but there were things he just wasn't _ready_ to know about. And things _I_ wasn't ready to talk about.

It didn't help that Wonho drove me over the edge again. I took another wrong step when I attacked him. Loosing my cool twice a day was two times too much and when Minhyuk pointed out that I needed drugs I was certain he was right. So I waited. I waited for Shownu, Changkyun and Kihyun to come home while Jooheon and Minhyuk prepared dinner. I wanted to thank the hampered guy for covering for me at work and got up when I heard the youngest's nagging outside.

“Hyungwon!”, Kihyun shouted and scowled at my figure before pushing me back into the living room and onto the couch. “How dare you walk around, you're sick, don't even think of leaving this sofa until you're fine again!”

I was baffled and stared at him with wide eyes when Jooheon peeked out of the kitchen with a grin. “Sorry bro, he wasn't actually ill, I just needed a reason to get you to work for-”

“You asshole!”, Kihyun screamed and actually threw his crutch at him who simply dodged it with a laugh before fleeing into the kitchen. I had never seen Jooheon joking around, was he usually like that? The brown haired then took a deep breath and returned his gaze to me. “You are not sick? I heard you were out for too long and caught a severe cold, I was worried the whole day...”

I shook my head, eyes still wide and fearing that he would throw the second crutch as well, but he just sighed in relief as if his anger had blown over that fast and that's when Shownu joined us as well and we were seven people again after almost a whole week. _I_ did _sit outside for quite some time though_ , I thought as I recalled the scene just to push it back again. The orphans didn't know a thing about what had happened and I wouldn't think about it today either. I would make sure to have some Delphinium and then wake up with a more or less clear head the next day. It was easy. I could do it. So I would.

 

________________

 

 

We settled around our tiny campfire and I glanced at Hyungwon to my left who had thrown on a sweater Shownu had given him against the cold. “Delphinium is a vicious spiral.”

He licked his lips and scratched his hand before tugging on the tips of his dark hair in restlessness. “I can't get out and I swear I need this. Stop pointing out the cons, I'm experiencing them myself.”

The bowl made its round, just like every other week. Shownu had shot me a questioning glance when he got back and I had made clear that everything would be fine if we didn't upset Hyungwon too much. I didn't tell him about the fact that Wonho was working on him yet since I didn't know in what way exactly he did it. Hyungwon took a sip. And then another, bigger one. Before he could keep drinking I grabbed his wrist and forced him to stop.

His eyes were dilated already, the short reaction time indicating how his body was getting used to the blue stuff. It was horrifying and fascinating at the same time and I inhaled the sweet scent before placing the basin on the ground. I'd break away one day. I had to remember why I started drugging myself one day. I'd be able to do it one day. But not today. I just needed some more time. Hyungwon let his glazed eyes wander, his mind seemingly in another dimension, and I felt Wonho move to my right. He hadn't spoken a lot until now and I was wondering if he held back in order to keep Hyungwon's mind at ease. The blond shuffled closer and I leaned towards him with a raised brow.

“He's playing hard to get, isn't he?”, Wonho's voice purred and I let him rest his chin on my shoulder.

“I wonder what caused him to be like this.”

“He didn't tell you yet? That's sad, I could have sworn that the two of you clicked when he defended you earlier.” One of his arms came around my waist and pulled me closer. “At least there's more of you left for me then.”

I flicked his forehead with a roll of my eyes and pushed him away. “Wonho, this is getting ridiculous. Why do you even keep being like that? Your targets are almost only girls, like, ninety-nine percent.”

“It's more fun to leave that one percent open for everyone. It would be a shame to waste this beauty on women only, don't you agree?”, he retorted with a mocking glance at Hyungwon and leaned on me again. “And loverboy seems to get jealous, so it's twice the fun.”

“He is _not_ my damn lover”, I hissed, causing my opponent to huff.

“That's not what I meant. Anyways, I cleared the way for you and want you to get the truth out of him.”

I knit my eyebrows and turned my head to be confronted with his blond hair. “Why don't you do it? You're better at dealing with him it seems.”

“Better? Hell no”, he retorted with a sound of amusement. “I _crush_ personalities, I don't care enough to stop myself at the right point. Never did and never will. So I decided to take the first step and let you take over. Simple, right?”

I hummed to signalize I could follow. It was just the way Jooheon had said: Wonho wasn't one to take responsibility. “So you say you won't crush him? Big words for someone who almost triggered two panic attacks in twenty-four hours. You should-”

“I think he's used to giving himself up.” I stopped at his interruption and saw the way he observed Hyungwon from his spot on my shoulder. Sympathy. There was sympathy in his eyes. “He doesn't fight when he's in danger. But he does when someone else is. He cares more about others than himself.” He made sure to avert his gaze before I could ask him about it, but it was enough – I had seen that he wasn't all that indifferent about him. He wanted to find out more. “Weird, isn't it? It's like he'd throw himself into hellfire for someone else.”

A longer silence spread and I made sure to repeat Wonho's words in my head again. That was indeed weird. Used to giving himself up? It sounded sad, but possible. “You think he protected someone?”

“He was around someone with a lot of authority, so, maybe yes. He can't stand being talked to in commanding tone, at least that's when he snaps the easiest it seems.”

_Sounds like some kind of hierarchy,_ I thought. _Protecting those of lower rank from those above him._ I thought about his reaction to the military from earlier that day. So he had been there? For real? “He's sensitive about the military.”

Wonho let out a satisfied hum. “Sounds good, it might be a piece of this puzzle, I thought about that possibility before.”

“But why would he be here? Or close up like that? Change everything about himself and stop caring about anyone?”, I asked carefully, thinking of whoever the person that had broken his heart might have been, but my friend just clicked his tongue.

“Kihyun made it as well, but who knows about his past? Loss. Maybe Betrayal. And I don't think he doesn't care anymore. He's just more careful with who he's gonna trust.” He mused on that for another moment before deciding he was done with serious topics for the evening. “You know, on another note, I thought about my statement from before. If you asked my ladies they'd say I'm not crushing personalities but loving them on a whole new level.”

I sighed in frustration. Why did he have to change the topic now that we finally got to compare our results? It was of no use, serious Wonho was gone for the evening. “Great. And _then_ you destroy them when you move on to the next poor _lady,_ not ever talking to previous ones again. I'd still go with crushing instead of spreading love.”

“You're always so negative”, he murmured and tilted his head to peck my jaw with a cheeky smile. “You should be more positive. I could help.”

“Eww. You're beyond remedy. Get off my shoulder, leech”, I groaned and he chuckled when I rubbed my jaw before he directed his attention towards Kihyun and Changkyun who were arguing over his favorite type of ramyun. _Fanboys_ , I thought, suppressing another groan.

Hyungwon was still staring off into the distance with a frozen expression and having no distraction anymore, I had to face my body's reaction to the bittersweet smell surrounding me. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. Breathing got increasingly harder – my arms were itching, begging me to take the damn bowl that stood somewhere near me and forget for the night, but then I shot a last glance at Hyungwon who was finally moving, turning his head towards me _._ I took a deep breath and pushed the drug away with all the self-restraint I could muster up.

“Lee.”

“Chae? W-what's up?” My voice was trembling more than expected and I cleared my throat. His eyes were hooded but fixed on me nonetheless, the look he was giving me was weird and I didn't know how to react. Hyungwon shuffled another few centimeters closer and I was about to retreat when he grabbed my upper arm to pull me back.

“Stay”, he whispered when his gaze began to dart around before he settled on me again. “I just wanted to... You know, I didn't mean it...”

“You're not really making sense, what's going on?” He leaned forward and I couldn't stop myself from inhaling sharply but he only tightened his grip on my arm to signalize me to stay where I was. He stopped about ten centimeters from my face, thinking about something.

“I'm...sorry for ignoring you, well, I... I didn't have a choice, okay? It was for everyone's best. It could get dangerous.”

A feeling of success filled me to collide with a _little_ bit of panic but I managed to keep my face straight, only raising an eyebrow. “That's all you've got to say for yourself? How about a good reason?”

I could see how he chewed on the inside of his cheek and his jaw tensed. “Sometimes it's better to keep a few secrets.” His voice was a quiet hiss, but he then stopped and looked at me again with those fear filled eyes. He tilted his head to bury himself in the crook of my neck and I had a hard time coping. I tried withdrawing once more but his hands grabbed my shirt and pulled me closer instead. “I'm scared.” He took a deep shaking breath. “I don't want you to leave me too.”

_What is he thinking, talking about nothing but weird stuff?_ I was frozen with Hyungwon's head resting on my shoulder as he kept mumbling the same sentence against my neck. _I thought we were done with that topic._

My eyes examined his hair, his nape and then his back before I glanced up for a second to see that nobody was paying attention to us. Jooheon would probably go nuts if he saw the 'intruder' this close to me, it wouldn't be the first time, but thankfully he was immersed in a conversation with Shownu. _Don't leave me too_. Hyungwon was most likely talking about those he had trusted before and who had left him. His crush, maybe? Or whatever that other person had been to him.

“You won't ever be okay if you don't face your problem”, I stated, suddenly feeling suffocated by him, but he just tightened his grasp on my shirt and stopped talking. My heart kept thumping and I carefully put a hand on his head, stroking his hair and trying not to think too much of his current behavior. He was on drugs after all. He wasn't in control of his actions. I decided to think about the past week instead. How he had ignored me. How he had distanced himself from everybody and everything. “You're not”, I started carefully to grab his attention. “You're not mad at me or anything? I didn't do anything wrong?”

Hyungwon broke away with a pair of giant dark orbs staring at me and I tried to avert my eyes when suddenly his hands took my face and _made_ me look at him. “How can you think that?”

I froze, still not able to react in a proper way. “I-I, well...You were- I mean, you didn't really talk to anybody until- Well, you know...” _Stop stuttering._ _Breathe. In. Out. Okay._ “I just can't understand why you would shut me out. If it's due to something from the past leave it there and face forward.”

He remained quiet and released my face to rearrange my fringe until he was satisfied before answering. His eyes were _so_ dark, was that even normal? I just couldn't stop looking at him. “I don't know, it seemed to be the best solution. It's not my past yet.” He shrugged. “But I'm not ignoring you anymore so you can stop thinking about it. It was a mistake.” His eyes fell on the basin that stood somewhere to my left. He took it and had another sip, just a tiny one, before offering it to me. _His third sip_. “And this stuff makes all of my mistakes be forgotten. Have some.”

I watched in dismay and grabbed his wrist as firm as I could – I could encircle it with only two fingers – while my other hand took the bowl from him and placed it on the ground. Helping this shattered guy was more important than my own needs. I could still help him get off that hellish ride. Three swigs in one day were too much. “ A person who never makes a mistake will never try anything new. You don't have to forget about your failures but accept them to be able to move on. Things happened in the past and other things will happen in the future, it's life.”

He pressed his lips together until they turned pale, taking a deep breath. “I want to go to bed.”

I swallowed. “Hyungwon, I'm just saying-”

“I said I'm _going_ to _bed_ , Lee.” He rose to his feet and went for the tent's entrance, but he staggered around for a while, struggling to find his balance. I looked at the others again and Wonho finally caught my gaze, raising his eyebrow with a silent demand. _What are you waiting for?_

I sighed. “Wait, I'll accompany you.” I stood up and grabbed Hyungwon by the elbow in order to support him. “Sleep well, everyone. Don't stay outside tonight, it's too cold.”

“I don't need your help, Lee.”

“Boohoo. Now let's go”, I retorted, leading him through the dark garden and into our house. I let go of him once he had sat down on his bed, taking a step back and turning away. “If you don't need anything else, I'll go now.”

“No.”

I looked back at him with a frown, but his eyes were lowered to the ground. “What do you mean, no? You need something?”

“No, you won't go. You will stay, right?” How bipolar could this guy be? And what was with all this talk about staying and leaving?

I searched my brain for an answer that would help me calm him down. “Look, I promise Wonho won't come in, so you can just sleep and dream about something good that will-”

“But I don't want to dream, Lee.” His frustration was audible and he stared at me, reaching out with one hand. “Every time I dream I meet all these people I never wanted to see again. Maybe I'll forget about today's dream but it will still hurt just as much.”

“People?” I let him take my hand and pull me closer until he could grab a handful of my shirt like a frightened child. “Are those the people you are trying to forget about?” He gave me a barely notable nod and again I stroke his head, threading my fingers through his hair. “What am I going to do about them? If you can't fight them, I can't either. And Delphinium won't help you forget them it seems.”

He forced me to sit down next to him and let go of me to curl up on his bed. “I just don't want to be their property anymore.” His comment caught me off-guard and I was too quick to voice my question.

“Whose? Like, whose property are you?” He flinched and his breath got stuck in his throat as if that very phrase made him remember certain things. _He can't stand being talked to in commanding tone, at least that's when he snaps the easiest,_ Wonho's words echoed in my head. I tried again with a more demanding tone of voice, using his surname on purpose. “Chae, whose property are you?” His eyes turned hollow and glazed over as he covered his head with his arms as if to protect himself. _Bingo._ He ran out of breath and swallowed, tightening the grip on his head; it was scary. But I was so close. “Chae Hyungwon, I command you to tell me whose-”

“Yours.” It was barely audible and yet deafening, making me stop in confusion. “N-no, wait, I mean- I-I-”

_Yours._

“Repeat that.” He didn't move and just stared at the wall as if in shock. I grew anxious. Was he manoeuvering himself into another panic attack? “Chae?”

“Get out!” His voice was unexpectedly loud and I took a step back out of reflex, my mouth twisting in helplessness when he growled at me from his bed. “I'll get revenge for everything you did, just you wait, dirty bastard”, Hyungwon hissed before I managed to gather my courage, grabbed both of his wrists and forced him to look at me by rolling him onto his back. “Let go you lying bastard or I-”

“Get a hang of yourself! I'm sorry, okay? Who are you talking to? Chae, you're here with me. Where is your _fucking_ mind!?” His eyes stayed hazy for a few more seconds and his muscles tensed as if to counterattack, but then he stopped and just stared at me, his voice merely a whisper accompanied by quiet whimpers.

“Lee?”

“Yeah that's me. Talk to me”, I encouraged him with a quiet pant.

“Th-they are waiting for me to go back. They are waiting.”

I didn't let go and kept glaring him down. Who were they? And why? “Is it the person that broke your heart?”

His teeth chattered and he vigorously shook his head. “He'd never wait for me.”

I took a deep breath, softening by the fright audible in his voice. _He_. I had been right, he had been in love with some guy and had his heart broken. But if this wasn't about him, who was waiting for him? “W-will you go back?”

“No! No, I'm done with hell.” What hell?

“Good to hear that.” I had him stand up for a second to fold back the blanket. He had way too many things on his mind and it was killing him on the inside. He had to break out somehow, he wouldn't stay sane if he kept bottling things up. “Now I want you to sleep. Got that?” He desperately needed someone he could trust. Someone he could talk to. “Nothing will happen to you as long as you are here and I'm around, okay? Nobody, neither those waiting for you nor Wonho nor anyone else will even lay a _finger_ on you if I'm not okay with that, so you can just go to sleep without any worries.” My voice was harsh and warm at the same time, like a scolding mother's and he narrowed his eyes while taking a stuttering breath.

“W-what if I dream of them? Will you come and save me like yesterday?”, he asked.

I hesitated for a moment. Had I saved him from Wonho, was that what he thought? Like some kind of super hero? I smiled at him and saw a child. A child that didn't want to go down the corridor to its room because it was afraid of the dark. “Then it's just a dream.”

He nodded with a swallow. “Just a dream.”

I squatted down while soothingly stroking his hair and tugging him in. “Just a bad bad dream.”

 

________________

 

 

The house was quiet and I squinted at the light of dawn before glancing at my watch. Seven in the morning. I never woke up this early, but going back to sleep wouldn't be an option either as I risked being late for work and I groaned, rolling out of bed. I froze when I heard someone shuffling around in the kitchen. Two people to be exact. I wanted to turn around and hide in my room until I could be sure that they had left, but much to my dismay Shownu came into the living room at that exact moment and gave me a friendly smile. He looked a little bit like a stuffed bear and definitely not dangerous, but there was someone right behind him I didn't really want to meet these days.

“Good morning, Hyungwon!”, Shownu greeted and I mumbled a quiet reply. “Are you alright? Not feeling unwell or anything?”

I didn't pin my eyes on Shownu but on Wonho who was casually leaning against the doorframe to the kitchen. “I'm okay.”

“That's good to hear. I understand you must have felt stronger withdrawal symptoms this week.” I shot the leader a glance and gave him a curt nod before going back to observing Wonho who did the same with a crooked smirk on his lips. “If you're too restless, I'd advise you to tell me. I don't want you to overdose, okay? It might get tough but you have us now, don't forget that.” Shownu's worry was audible and I sensed the emotional warmth he gave off for the first time. _That's probably why they call him the leader of Monsta X_ , I thought with a slight smile. He might not be the most present one, but that didn't mean he cared any less.

“Sure. Will do.”

He scratched the back of his head. “I'm... I'm not at home that often and I know we should probably talk a lot more, but I gotta leave for work. Sorry, Hyungwon. Anything important you've got to tell me before I go?”

I swallowed and considered telling him about Wonho's behavior just to let it go again because it would sound petty. I didn't want to show any weakness. Especially not when the very person I was accusing was in the same room, no, this was nothing for Shownu to worry about. “N-no and it's okay. Thanks for worrying and take care.” It sounded wrong and emotionless, but the leader didn't seem to be bothered and lay a hand on my shoulder before striding past the door and into a cold morning.

A moment of silence passed and I held my breath when Wonho pushed himself off the frame with his hands buried in his pants' pockets. “Where's Minhyuk?”, I asked and tried hard not to take a step back.

“Not here.” I would have laughed at the fact that this was the same reaction Minhyuk had given me to Wonho the day before, but sadly the situation wasn't suited for laughter. “You sure are some tough guy.” I furrowed my brows at his rational tone of voice. He didn't seem to look for a fight today. He stopped at the sofa, still about three steps away from me and I could just hope that he wouldn't close that gap faster than I could handle. “You shouldn't let yourself down, Hyungwon. You're stronger than that.”

“I don't know what you're talking about.” I knew exactly what he was talking about.

“Stop bullshitting me. It might be hard to read you, but not impossible”, he noted, drawing patterns on the sofa's backrest. _I can take him down if he tries to make a move, his defenses are down and I_ \- “Don't worry though, I won't do that to you again.” He locked gazes with me and raised his hands as if to surrender, knowing exactly what I was thinking about. “I just wanted to make sure I was right with my assumptions about you then. I got all I wanted.”

I forced myself to relax a little though not entirely. “What assumptions? Were they right?”

“Partly.” Wonho grabbed his suit jacket from the nearest chair and flashed me a smile – not one of those overly excited and flirty ones but an honest one. “You have done many things and many things were done to you. What those things are, well, that's something only you know for sure.”

I moved back and narrowed my eyes when he strode past the door into the corridor. I didn't find it hard to breathe around him nor was I on edge, but it was probably because the Delphinium in my blood was still calming me down. Still making me reckless. “You sound like a fortune cookie. Not making sense and yet interpretable in a variety of ways.”

“But did I strike a nerve with you?”, he asked with a hint of amusement in his voice and I let my shoulders sink.

You have done many things.

“ _Did I do well?”_ _You did. Better than anyone would have thought. They said they'd give you another target tomorrow. I'm proud of you, hon._

Many things were done to you.

_Stop! Please, don't! Let the little one go he's done nothing, take me instead! God, I won't ever do it again, I promise! I promise, you heard me?!_

I clenched my eyes shut for a moment. No, I would not face both of them at once. Not when a whole week without a chance of forgetting lay ahead. I had to keep my cool. “Sure you did, augur. I've done many things these days and things were done to me. You're part of the latter and you know, so, how could you not strike a nerve?”

“That's not what I wanted you to talk about.” Wonho stroke his hair back with one hand and groaned, putting the other hand over his heart. “Okay, change of topic, I know you won't trust me for some time now, but I promise I won't do that again. Force you to give up. Revive your past. I don't know what happened, but I won't force you, that's not the right way.”

A dry laugh escaped my lips. “You're right, I won't trust that. And I also agree that yours was not the right way at all.”

“Look, I'm not good at stuff like this”, he sighed and settled with simply staring back at me with his hands folded behind his back. He knew I was reading his body language the entire time and presented himself as defenseless in return. “I'm not the bad guy you think me to be. I'm not out of control either. I just want to make sure my brothers are safe because they are everything I have. I would give my life on the spot if that helped saving one of them at some point and I just had to know.” His confession was filled with some sort of bitterness mixed with honesty that had me frown in surprise as he bit his lip. The first signs of uncertainty he let peek through his casual smile and overall flirty behavior and the first time he seemed to be honest with himself in my presence. “I'm good with mind games, Hyungwon. I had to break you down because that's the only thing I know how to do. So please forgive me for that. I needed to know if you would endanger any of them.”

“And now you can be sure I won't?”, I asked quietly and it was his turn to let out a strained laugh.

“I can never be, darling, but what would you do in my position? I know that breaking you further would anger someone else and he's mad enough already.” The name of Minhyuk remained unsaid but it filled the air – suffocated me with a weird feeling of gratification. “I've got to trust you blindly. What do you say, am I doing the right thing?”

I bit the inside of my cheek and needed a moment. “I can't even trust myself”, I concluded and casually leaned against the doorframe when he put on his shoes and opened the front door. I found it increasingly easier to keep calm around him, I would be fine somehow.

Wonho looked bitter and let out a quiet snort with his back turned to me. “Of course you can't trust yourself, silly. Nobody can do that. That's why you need to stay around those who do.” Just before the door clicked shut he laughed out loud. “How do you think I became who I am?”

 

Kihyun was the next to wake up. Apparently he had stayed over at Minhyuk's room for the night and I began wondering how all of them got along so well yet again. They were so different, personality- and past-wise, how could they deal with each other if nobody knew what the other went through? Was that even possible?

Thinking back to how cheerfully the person I knew as pissed and grumpy Jooheon had talked to Kihyun the other day made me wonder if I even knew what Monsta X really was like. Maybe there was much more to them than I could observe until now and I was just too mistrusting to see who they really were. Maybe I was even misunderstanding Wonho. I shook my head with a snort, ordering myself to stop. Yeah, maybe I got some things wrong about him and maybe I didn't know anything about his past, but that didn't change the fact that he almost made me his slave for who knows what. I'd give each of them their chances, but they had to earn my respect first. And my trust wasn't something I'd throw at anyone anymore, no, I had learned my lesson.

Time passed and I was about to leave for work with Kihyun seeing me off when a door opened upstairs. The guy on crutches froze and looked at me with a careful glint to his eyes. “You know, Minhyuk might be a little weird this morning, you should really go now. He didn't have his dose until three in the morning and the drug will probably-”

“Wonho! Where is that bitch?”, Minhyuk's voice hollered and I flinched in surprise. Why did he have his dose this late? Had something happened?

Kihyun bit his lower lip with a sigh before replying with an angelic and sweet tone to his voice. “He's not at home, Minhyuk, he's at work, you remember?” I could hear steps at the top of the staircase, but Kihyun did everything he could to stop me from entering the house again, leaning closer to me and pushing me away from the doorstep. “You know, you should really go.”

I swallowed, only now noticing that I had never actually witnessed what Minhyuk was like under the influence of Delphinium and hadn't thought about it yet either. Well, until now. “You'd better have him come back because I'm gonna punch that fucking slut until he can't even remember his own name anymore. You know what he did, Kihyun? You know what?” He sounded so heated up it was as if some kind of hellfire was burning inside of him.

The steps came closer and Kihyun shot me more unsure glances. “Minhyuk, remember who you're talking about, I don't think you should-”

“I should what?! He tortured Hyungwon, okay?” _Me?_ I was the reason for his anger towards Wonho? “After I fucking told all of you to keep their hands off that boy last week he just _had_ to attack him, didn't he?! Oh hell no, he's gonna pay. Nobody disregards m-”

Before I could hear anything else, Kihyun slammed the front door shut and left me standing in the cold staring at the wood with a baffled expression. What exactly had just happened? I needed a moment to regain my composure and waited in silence without being able to hear what was going on on the inside though.

“The effects of Delphinium are as various as the seven sins”, I mumbled to myself and turned around, shooting one more glance at the house where Kihyun was trying to deal with a drugged Minhyuk who was probably threatening to kill Wonho judged by his previous tone. Some quiet voice at the back of my mind told me to go back there, told me to help Minhyuk get himself together. I was fine thanks to his return and he didn't have to be angry at Wonho after all, that was my job. But another bigger part of me kept trying to block the little voice out.

I didn't go back. I wasn't ready to make that decision. Was I the same as him when I was on drugs? If so then I should be thankful for Monsta X who acted like I wasn't. Then, I got a little scared. If I blazed all of my thoughts abroad like Minhyuk, I should also start worrying about what I might have told them about myself. I could only hope that they didn't know about the wrong things.

But what was more scary was that my mindset seemed to change. I had just had the damn feeling that I should go back and help someone. Care about him. It was the one thing I had managed to forget about during the past two months and now that damn twitch in my heart was back and I didn't know why I had this feeling that I could actually _trust_ Minhyuk. Tell him everything.

I let out a groan as I walked down the almost empty and cold streets.

“I must have lost my mind.”

 


	9. Secretiveness is a gambler

I was really curious as to what Minhyuk would be like when I got back from work, but I was immensely disappointed when the usual sunflower-like smile greeted me in the afternoon. Nothing, literally _nothing_ , hinted at his behavior from before and I didn't know if I should ask him about it or not. I tried to act normal but couldn't help shooting him a few unsure glances every now and then.

It was early in the evening and we were sitting on the sofas, complete except for Shownu, when Minhyuk said that he still had to go to the eldest's uncle to grab a bunch of flowers for the next day and stated that he'd be back in forty minutes. I could tell he was lowkey asking me to come along, but Kihyun interfered and said that I had to help him prepare dinner in the meantime, getting me out of the affair. The white-haired male puffed his cheeks but agreed without much arguing and was past the door only five minutes later.

Changkyun cocked his head to the side and stared at his orphan friend with a raised eyebrow. “Why would you ask Hyungwon to cook with you? You've got me, haven't you?”

Wonho chuckled and stretched his back before leaning against the youngest without a trace left of the highly intelligent and calculating guy I had seen in the morning. “True that. Did something happen today?” He shot me a questioning look. I guessed that the remaining Delphinium cursing through his veins made him softer and it definitely had the same effect on me even after a whole day. I was much more relaxed around him though he didn't give me any reason to. “You're not planning on ignoring him again, are you?”

“What? No, Kihyun was the one to-”

“Kyun, you're a horrible cookmaid, I'd choose a monkey over you”, Kihyun interrupted me and limped towards the kitchen before turning back. “But that aside I wanted to tell Hyungwon that he doesn't have to worry about Minhyuk.” His eyes were on me for a long time and he sighed. “I know what he's like and I can deal with him. He just doesn't remember what happened, you know?”

Jooheon who was lounging on the armchair craned his neck to be able to look at Kihyun with a raised eyebrow. “Now that I think of it, when did he have his Delphinium yesterday? I didn't see him take it.”

“It was very late when he came back into the garden”, Wonho explained, “Around three in the morning maybe, I was already dozing off.”

Changkyun furrowed his brows. “Where did he go?”

“Something must have come up”, Kihyun said before any of the other two could open their mouths. “No biggie. What's more important is that the effect was still there when he woke up in the morning.”

Everybody inhaled sharply but then, out of nowhere, Wonho began to chuckle and looked at me. “Let me guess!”, he demanded while shifting to let Changkyun rest his head on his lap comfortably. It looked like they were as close as brothers and I tried not to think about how much I wished to know what having a brother felt like again. The unrestricted trust in each other. The memories you shared. _You don't have a brother, Hyungwon._ I blinked to get these thoughts out of my mind and focused on Wonho who was observing me with a curious pair of eyes. “Our baby Hyungwon witnessed Minhyuk on drugs? How was it?”

I swallowed and looked to Kihyun for help, still not comfortable with directly talking to the blond. Kihyun leaned on one of his crutches with a smirk. “Yeah, well, he was kind of threatening to kill you for invading his space.”

Wonho pointed at himself in surprise and Jooheon barely held back a chuckle. “Serves you right.” He then glanced at me. “So, Madhyuk? No wonder you were so careful around him today, I was scared as fuck when I first saw him like that.”

“You must know”, Kihyun explained calmly, “that there are several extreme emotions that occur when he's high. Be it anger, sadness or complete apathy, we can never be sure which outcome we might get. It depends on his mood, the amount of his suppressed emotions and his thoughts.”

“Madhyuk is the worst of them”, Jooheon added with a serious nod and I didn't know where to look with everybody staring at me for a reaction of any kind. I felt weird, listening to Kihyun's explanation: Just a few days prior I'd have wondered if I should run away and distance myself from all these bipolar psychos around me. But not today. I didn't worry about myself first; it was Minhyuk's mental state I worried about at that very moment.

I bit my lip, lowering my voice into a whisper. “What kind of suppressed emotions?”

Wonho hummed while dismissing my question with a wave of his hand. “We all know his smile can't always be a hundred percent honest. We know that there's something bothering him and it's most likely his forgotten past. Well, this time it was me, but you get the point.”

I nodded and hugged myself as I was suddenly feeling cold. “Then maybe if you helped him remember the rest he would change.”

“You bet he would”, Jooheon snorted, averting his gaze with a groan. “But not for the better.”

His comment had me furrow my brows and Changkyun and Kihyun shut their mouths tightly, leaving me with the flirt and the student to talk this out with. “How would you know?”, I asked and before Jooheon could say anything, Wonho interfered.

“Why would you want to know, darling? Is our little boy interesting all of a sudden?”

I clenched my teeth and glared at him, but he just raised his eyebrow in expectation, causing me to draw a deep breath. “It's completely irrelevant right now, but I'm simply willing to try to understand the bunch of weirdos I'm staying with. It's a fact that I don't want anyone to suffer on their own as long as there's a way to help.”

“Well, you're not very good at taking care of yourself though, are you? You suffer on your own as well”, Wonho kept asking and I straightened my back, shooting him a meaningful glance.

“Of course you can't take care of yourself. Nobody can take care of themselves, don't you think?”

A moment of surprised silence passed before the blond caught on and a spark of amusement lit up his eyes. “So you have to stay around those who can? Hyungwon, you learn really fast, I think I might be falling for you.”

“Fuck off, you-”

“Okay, I have no idea what you're talking about”, Jooheon interrupted our little verbal exchange while massaging his temples. “But back to the main point: We tried helping Minhyuk, but he buries himself in a hole if he starts to remember. He's not strong enough to bear the story's weight, so we have him stay clueless instead.”

The front door opened all of a sudden and everybody spun around with a start, thinking it was Minhyuk, just to see Shownu stand in the corridor with a confused expression. “You all look so serious, did something happen?”

I swallowed, returning my gaze to Jooheon in shock without answering the leader's question. “You know what happened to him? But he told me you didn't know either.”

Jooheon gave me a sad smile and avoided eye contact at all cost. “We discussed this a long time ago and it's the best for him to stay the way he is right now.”

“But that's heartless.” I shot up from my seat and let my gaze wander over the five guys standing and sitting around the room. “He's unhappy with that big hole in his memories. Don't you want him to cheer up and-”

“Do you think we didn't try, smartass?”, Wonho interrupted me with a hiss and Shownu cleared his throat, having caught on in a matter of seconds, and everybody turned their heads towards him.

“There _are_ times when Minhyuk isn't happy with his situation. Yes, we _do_ want him to cheer up.” The leader's voice gained power and volume until it filled the whole room and had me duck my head a little. “But when we're telling you that he gets worse if he finds out about his past we're telling you the truth. I don't want this devilish cycle to start over and over in an attempt to help him, because every time he'll fall back into Delphinium and his addiction will get worse and worse until his body can't take it anymore. Do you want that, Hyungwon? _Help_ him until he's lost and without a chance of finding his way back? Do you?”

I was overwhelmed by his pained voice and immediately lowered my head, standing straight like a boy being scolded. What was I thinking, meddling with their business? I barely knew them for one month and here I was, reproaching them for their actions. Why did I even bother, Minhyuk's worries weren't mine at all. I forced myself to stop thinking about his mental health and bit my lip instead. “I guess I don't know enough to excoriate your decisions yet.”

I saw Shownu's body relax and he ran a hand through his hair with a deep sigh. “You couldn't sense it, it's a legitimate argument. But Minhyuk is a difficult topic. Maybe he'll remember one day and maybe he'll bear the burden, but I won't be the one to tell him anything.”

“Yeah, you're not the only one with trust issues and you should keep that in mind”, Wonho tossed in and I noticed how everybody had gotten quiet, looking anywhere but at me.

Kihyun shifted awkwardly in his place. “We might tell you more another time, but you'll have to simply trust us for now and accept things the way they are. You can glue the pieces of a broken mirror together again, but you will still be able to see the cracks. Sometimes all you can do is try to hold them together as good as possible.”

“Yeah”, I mumbled absentmindedly and shuffled towards the kitchen before clearing my throat. It was weird to see Minhyuk as a broken personality. He was a drug addict, yeah, but I never dared to look past his smiling mask that was seemingly littered with cracks in everyone's eyes but mine. It was... weird. “I wish you could just put everything back in place to have things return to their original state.”

“Nah, what you call original state is a you of the past”, Wonho stated and winked at me, probably to have us break out of that depressed state of mind. Disgusting. “And if you keep living in the past with an unbroken mirror how will you ever experience the multifacetedness of a broken one? Where'd be the fun? The new memories? It's the present that counts the most. The fact that we're all alive causes us to keep going. It's okay to receive a few cracks every now and then. They are what make you you.”

I snorted and managed to form a disbelieving smile to show him while scratching the back of my head. “Metaphor of the year, fortune cookie. But not flawless.”

“Maybe not perfect”, Wonho shrugged it off and his smirk was back on his face within seconds. “But nothing ever is.”

 

I didn't get to ask them a lot more about Minhyuk and his past. They all just closed up, because he could come back any time, but there was something depressing weighing down the atmosphere anyway. I helped Kihyun with preparing dinner, chopping a variety of vegetables while biting my lower lip.

It took me some time to gather my thoughts and I knew that they wouldn't just tell me whatever had happened to the white-haired male, so I had to tiptoe around the topic. “Kihyun, say”, I started carefully and he raised his head to look at me. “Why is Minhyuk always smiling if there are so many emotions behind his facade? Why doesn't he just let them out, then he wouldn't have a problem while on drugs anymore, right?”

My opponent shot me a disbelieving glance and put his knife away to stem his hands against his sides. “You're not really one to talk, you know? He protects himself, at least he tricks himself into thinking that it might help. If he doesn't show what makes him angry or sad, there's nothing to hold against him. Sounds familiar?” My breath got stuck in my throat as Kihyun and I kept staring at each other for a solid ten seconds. “Looks like you finally got it. That's exactly what makes the two of you so similar.”

I lowered my gaze on the food around my hands and swallowed. I had been selfish, hadn't I? First Wonho and now Minhyuk: Both of them had their own ways to protect themselves and others from possible dangers and here I was, prancing around thinking I was the only one with severe problems. The realization was weird and instead of staying focused on myself, I actually felt bad for the others. My heart felt heavy.

“Does Minhyuk know that I've seen him in the morning?”, I whispered and Kihyun took the knife to go back to work again.

“Nope, he doesn't. He just knows that I was there and took care of him, he didn't ask about anything else.” _Is that good or bad then? How am I supposed to treat him the same as before?_ “If you're uncomfortable around him you can just tell him, you know? He vaguely knows about the effects Delphinium has on him by now, he'll understand. But let me tell you that there's no need to be scared of him, he really is a good guy, okay?”

Again I needed a few moments to think about his words, the sound of chopping onions echoing through my head simultaneously. “I...don't want him to think I'm scared of him. I'm not”, I concluded quietly, not daring to look at my opponent. “I've met people who are far worse than that.”

Kihyun huffed and rolled with his eyes, I could see it from the corners of mine. “Word! Good to hear that coming from you. I don't know what I'd have done if you were afraid of him now. Next week would have been Sadhyuk then.”

“Wait a moment. Madhyuk and Sadhyuk? Really? That's what you call them?”, I teased with a raised eyebrow and Kihyun shrugged with a chuckle.

“Jooheon's and Kyun's idea, not mine. Sounds good, doesn't it?”

“Ridiculous.” I still had to grin a little, shaking my head in disbelief when the front door opened and Minhyuk came back with a plastic bag full of flowers.

“I'm home!”, he shouted and got a bunch of annoyed groans for reply while we silently started frying the vegetables and had our food ready ten minutes later. We settled around the table and Kihyun had a hard time stopping Changkyun from eating before everybody had sat down, hitting his head with a wooden spoon like a strict mother.

I was lost in my own thoughts, getting a weird feeling in my gut when I saw Minhyuk there, sitting right across from me with a smile. I felt like I had to... like I had to protect him from whatever was to come as if he was a completely different person now. A sudden flashback to when I had seen him return from Exo with bruises everywhere occurred and I swallowed, keeping my head down a well-known face appeared in front of my mind's eye. _I really must have lost my mind to compare them._ I stopped listening to what the others were talking about, my chopsticks listlessly poking the food while I was dragged back into a scenery from four years ago and it wasn't long until Kihyun and Changkyun elbowed me simultaneously. “Hyungwon, did you even listen?”

“Huh?” Very keen, Hyungwon, very keen indeed.

Minhyuk huffed with an uncertain smirk. “I was asking about tomorrow. Should I come and collect you from the store or do you want to come home first?”

 _Life is all about making decisions._ I hesitated to answer, looking at him for a few seconds before lowering my head and mixing my food. _Make yours._ “Sorry”, I mumbled, tightening the grip around my chopsticks, “I guess I won't be able to accompany you to the others tomorrow.”

“What? Why not?” Minhyuk looked at the others while I could literally feel everyone's eyes on me, causing me to sigh and glance up at the white-haired again. He must have thought I'd ignore him once more, which was stupid after I had told him I wouldn't the day before. I wouldn't break my word so easily.  
 _I made my decision._ “I'm gonna work two shifts and take Thursday off so that I can come with you to that other group...Exo, was it?”

A long silence spread at the table and I finally managed to eat properly, somehow satisfied with the reaction I got. It felt good to have the six of them speechless and silent for even just a moment. Then, Minhyuk finally found his voice again and slammed his chopsticks down while Wonho just proudly grinned at me. “You what? Wait, I didn't ask you to-”

“Shut up and keep eating”, I groaned, careful not to show a hint of my delight. I had wanted to go with him the week before, but things had gone wrong and now was my second chance to collect more data. “I want to add them to my book so I thought I'd come along. If you don't want me there though I'll just let you go alo-”

“No, no! It-it's fine!” He eyed me warily as if he expected this to be some kind of lame joke but I didn't say anything else, silently chewing on my grilled vegetables with rice and I could only imagine the way everybody exchanged surprised glances before going back to eating.

It was a strange evening; nobody even tried talking to me again and just smiled whenever I looked up to meet their eyes. It was surprisingly calm and Changkyun and Kihyun didn't even argue half as much as usual, I didn't know what to do or say, so I just excused myself early and lay in bed staring at the ceiling and thinking about my decisions.

Why did I actually want to accompany Minhyuk to Exo? I knew adding data to my book about the Clan wasn't the whole truth and the more I thought about it the more I came to the conclusion that it was due to Minhyuk's bruises. I didn't want him to get hurt like that. I didn't want _anyone_ to get hurt like that. Not anymore. I blinked and craned my neck to have a look past the window where the moon was covered by dark clouds bringing snow for the next day.

I didn't know when the color white started to fascinate me so much but it just had some kind of calming and relaxing effect on me ever since. It was the color of purity and innocence, the color of a blank canvas. Whenever I saw the moon I wanted to be just as white, longed for a world in which nobody had to be painted a certain color to fit in with others. A world in which you could be yourself without regrets. A world like that would never exist for me, I had been painted long ago, but I could try to create one for those who'd come after me. I'd do whatever I could, one step at a time. The first step was to stand up and unite against everyone threatening minorities.

“Thursday will be tough. Time to sleep and work well tomorrow”, I mumbled to myself, feeling my eyelids grow heavy and I pulled the blanket up to my chin with a sigh when the guys downstairs laughed about something together. “Good-night guys. See you tomorrow.”

 

“Ready?”, Minhyuk asked with his thumbs hooked into the straps of his backpack and a blinding smile on his lips. I nodded while tightening my shoelaces once more. “We'll have to walk for about four hours, which means that we'll arrive there around six in the afternoon.”

I barely had time to nod my head again before the white-haired male dragged me out of the warm house and into the cold streets.

“So, where exactly are we going? Which direction?”, I asked while following him like a fledgling going after its mother. It had been snowing the day before and the streets were slippery and white, calming me down.

Minhyuk pointed at a street sign telling me that Seoul was about fifty kilometers away from where we were standing. “It's about half of that, same direction.”

I swallowed and took a deep breath. “We're walking towards the Chinese control center?”, I asked just to make sure and an uneasy feeling had my stomach twist a little. “Aren't there more of their officers there?”

My company shrugged with a confident expression. “Not many more than here, it's still pretty far from the center and we'll be there before curfew starts so it'll be fine. Why, are you scared?”

I forced myself to keep calm and shook my head. “No way. I was just wondering why you'd put yourself in danger for a bunch of abusive junkies.”

We walked in silence for a while until Minhyuk was ready to answer. “I started their trip to hell. It's only fair that I keep watching over them since they won't be able to stop anyway.” He glanced at me but I stared straight ahead, chewing on my lower lip as he continued. “I'm afraid that they might start a fight for the flowers if I let them come to Seventeen's subway station every week. They aren't stable yet. Doubt they'll be anytime soon.”

I lowered my eyes to the ground. “This might not sound very helpful but I think you should start caring less.” Minhyuk's steps faltered for a split second and I licked my lips. “You gain a lot of money by dealing, right? Then why should you care about nine out of more than a hundred? It's them who chose this path for themselves, I don't even know how they found you, but-”

“Hyungwon, I don't think you got my mindset yet”, he interrupted me with a tired grin. “They might be nine in a hundred for you, but I go there every week and I see nine human beings, just like you and me, and I don't think that they deserve anything less than we do. They are not customers. They are fellow humans. Is that so hard to understand? What would you do if Shownu forbade you to have your weekly dose all of a sudden because you're 'just one out of more than one hundred'?”

“That's different, I mean, they-”

“It's _not_ different, Hyungwon.” Minhyuk sped up a little and I could only watch him from behind. “You know, Shownu and Wonho tried to stop me before, but y'all just don't seem to understand what I think about that.”

He stopped talking, making the snow and ice cracking beneath our feet the only sounds as we made our way down the street. A huff escaped my lips, creating a small cloud of dust when I caught up and grabbed him by the shoulder, spinning him around with a disbelieving expression. “And you don't get what our problem is, right?” Minhyuk held his breath as my fingers dug into his shoulder. “Maybe you feel like you have to play the hero but seeing how you're littered with bruises every week is not very calming, you know? I think Wonho and Shownu might have noticed as well; that gang is destroying you.”

He glanced at my hand on his shoulder and I let go in a hurry, picking up speed again. “That's what you think?” Minhyuk's voice was just a whisper but it had me look back and I saw the way he stared at me with wide eyes, not quite believing what he had just heard. He reminded me of someone else and my mind replaced the white-haired male with him. _But that's not him, it's Minhyuk, get yourself together._

“It is.” We walked in silence and I could tell he was thinking about something, sighing while burying my hands in my pockets. “You want to say something.”

Minhyuk cleared his throat but his voice cracked nonetheless. “Why are you accompanying me if it makes you so sick to see me going there?”

I clenched and unclenched my fist a few times. _He's not Sangwon, get that out of your head._ “I told you I just need to collect data. You are free to do whatever you want, why would I stop you? It's not like I'm coming along for you.” But I was. And I knew I was hoping he'd declare me a liar somewhere deep down my heart, but he didn't.

“Right.” Minhyuk sighed, building himself a smile again and I bit my lower lip. “Collecting data, got it. Then we better hurry up and get there.” I appeared to be better of a liar than Wonho made me believe I was.

 

________________

 

 

We walked side by side for an unknown amount of time until Minhyuk started rummaging around his bag, pulling out a small device with earphones. I furrowed my brows as he stared at the two plugs for a moment before giving me one of them. “You want one?”

“What is that?”, I asked while taking the earplug from him and he waved the device in front of my face.

“It's a portable radio. Nothing big, but it's better than having nothing to listen to, don't you think?” I blinked and hesitated for a moment before putting the plug in my ear. “There are only Chinese stations on here”, he explained while switching the radio on and selecting some things until a song started playing.

“Still better than nothing”, I affirmed and we fell quiet, listening to the radio with Minhyuk dropping a comment about how weird and ridiculous Chinese sounded to him every now and then. I on the other hand knew what they were talking about most of the time, it was easy grammar and if I concentrated enough I could understand everything, but I didn't mention it.

I couldn't tell him. Not yet.

 

________________

 

 

The sun kept setting and soon we were getting close to our destination. Hyungwon's little outburst from earlier kept me busy and I neither found the strength nor the right words to keep talking to him after he had copped out. I knew that he wasn't honest with me when saying that he was just there to collect data, but how should I have him tell me the truth? It was intertwined with his past for sure and I couldn't risk triggering a panic attack while we were on the road, so I settled with listening to music with him.

A quiet buzzing sound had me cock my ears and I could tell that Hyungwon had heard it too since he looked like he was about to run away. “It's just a military vehicle, calm down”, I said but he didn't relax.

“What if they see us?” Was his voice trembling?

“So what? Curfew doesn't start until eight and we're just two boys walking down the street, what should they say?” I tried to cheer him up but his face remained emotionless as the buzzing got closer and he grabbed my arm to pull me into an alley. “Hyungwon, didn't you listen to me-”

“They could conscript us”, he hissed, waiting for the car to pass by and I freed my arm from his grasp.

“They have enough soldiers”, I insisted and rolled my eyes, not believing that blank-faced Hyungwon was such a scaredy-cat. “Why would they stop for two boys, it wouldn't make sense.”

“I don't lie when I tell you that they've done exactly that before”, he said while pushing me behind him and his tone of voice didn't leave any room for discussion, having me frown.

“When? How would you know?”

He acted like he hadn't heard me, but I could feel his arm tremble as he pressed it against my chest to hold me back. First his weird reaction at home when he was sputtering something about the military and now this, I knew something was really fishy about him and his relation to it.

“It's gone”, Hyungwon's voice ripped me out of my thoughts and he glanced back at me. “Let's keep going. How much more?”

I looked at my surroundings and licked my lips, watching his shivers subside. “About fifteen minutes. It's just around the corner.”

 

One could tell that we were getting closer to Seoul just by looking at the surrounding houses. They were all at least six levels high whereas the little city we were living at featured five levels at a max. We reached a rather run down house and I stared up at the fourth story. “There we are”, I concluded, coming to a halt in front of the broken door. “There's a rather large backyard where we meet up before I'm let into the apartment.”

Hyungwon examined the house and his eyes landed on a broken window the shards of which were scattered on the ground. He squatted down and tied his shoelaces again before rolling back his shoulders. “Then let's go.”

I heard them before I could see them, tightening the grasp around my bag's straps and walking through the dark corridor with Hyungwon quietly following a few steps behind me.

“Oh, I can hear him!”, someone exclaimed and I stepped out into the dimly lit backyard where they were sitting. It was just four of them, the rest probably still in the apartment upstairs because of the cold.

“Minhyuk!”, a guy I knew as Chanyeol exclaimed with a bright smile on his face and I swallowed at the sight of him. He was taller by more than half a head and I hated his smile so much. It wouldn't fade, not even while throwing punches and it was haunting me. I was scared of him.

“Good evening”, I replied, seemingly calm and composed while the other three guys lined up in front of me as well. They all looked harmless but I knew better than that. Lay, Minseok and Kyungsoo – viciously inconspicuous. Lay wore a sleeveless shirt though it must have been around zero degrees and I felt cold just by looking at him, but I wouldn't judge the way he dressed. Maybe he didn't have anything else. “I brought you some flowers-”

“Some?”, Kyungsoo interfered and exchanged a short glance with Chanyeol who immediately dashed forward and had me pinned against the wall in the blink of an eye. “Didn't we tell you to bring us _more_?”

I looked the giant in the eye while his breath stroke my skin like a raging bull's. “I told you thrice already: If I bring you more you'll overdose”, I explained calmly. “Your aggressions are a side-effect and you'll have to scale your consumption down if you don't want them to get wor-”

“I told you to stop your doctor talk last week, didn't I?”, Chanyeol growled as he slammed me against the brick wall.

“Stop increasing what you take or kick the bucket, is what I'm saying”, I repeated short on breath but nobody cared.

“Maybe you still don't understand, but we'll get what we want eventually. Once you comply you won't be beaten up anymore. It's so easy and fair on top.”

“I don't think _you_ understand what me being your dealer means”, I insisted without showing him my fear. It had always been like that but maybe they'd get it someday. I wouldn't even let them overdose if they threatened to break my bones one by one. I had to make sure they'd survive somehow.

Chanyeol glanced back at his three friends and Lay nodded, having the former turn towards me with a cheshire cat-like smile. “Then let's get this over with, shall we?” He raised his fist and I clenched my teeth to brace myself for the impact.

But it never came.

“I wouldn't do that if I was you.”

 _Hyungwon._ I had forgotten he was there the moment I had faced Exo, but now that I was reminded of him I was wondering why nobody had noticed my company either. Had he hidden in the shadows of the corridor? Probably.

I opened my eyes with my teeth still clenched and saw Hyungwon holding back Chanyeol's fist with his left hand while staring at him and I'm not even exaggerating when I say that his gaze could have killed. “I don't know who you are but this is none of your business”, Chanyeol snorted and sent the trespasser a fiery glare but he remained unmoved.

“Oh, I think it is. You're about to beat up a housemate of mine, why shouldn't it concern me?” I wanted to say something but Chanyeol slammed me against the wall once more leaving me breathless and the remaining Exo members made moves towards us as well but my friend just grinned – damn right: he grinned. And it was an evil one. “You'll regret that”, he stated and twisted Chanyeol's arm until he let out a quiet yelp. Hyungwon then leaned towards the giant's ear. “And now would you be so kind and let Minhyuk go? He looks a little uncomfortable.”

Was this guy even Hyungwon? Did he have some kind of evil twin, I really couldn't tell where the socially awkward and quiet person had gone to. It was just the same as when Wonho had threatened me, he was like replaced. Chanyeol grunted and I felt his grip loosen, making it possible for me to escape and Hyungwon pushed me into the corridor behind him without a word.

“Minhyuk, you brought another guest? Why don't you introduce him to us?”, Minseok asked and I was about to open my mouth when Hyungwon interfered yet again by driving his knee into Chanyeol's stomach, sending him to the ground.

“That's not important.” I put a hand on his back but he shook it off without hesitation. “I want you to be grateful that he even comes all the way here for you bastards. If I was him I wouldn't be as kind and let you starve instead.”

Kyungsoo stared at the wheezing Chanyeol with big eyes and clenched his fist, running towards Hyungwon, but the latter easily dodged and threw him over his shoulder, having him join his gang mate on the ground in a matter of seconds. I was stunned. Where had he learned this, he made it look as though the guys weren't any more dangerous than a bag of rice.

Minseok stood there frozen in shock and Lay took a slow step towards us while Hyungwon examined his new opponent carefully. “Nice shirt you got there”, he mentioned just before scrunching up his nose. “A little bit cold for this time of the year, don't you think?”

Lay licked his lips with narrowed eyes. “I like it. Why did you do that to my friends?”

“Why?” Hyungwon let out an ironic laugh. “You were the ones to beat him up every other week, I thought I'd turn the tables. Isn't it fun to be knocked out of the skies every once in a while?”

Lay furrowed his brows and looked at Chanyeol and Kyungsoo on the ground before locking gazes with his opponent again and taking a quick step forward.

 

________________

 

 

To explain my actions: something had clicked inside of me when I had seen the tall guy slam Minhyuk against the wall, it was like a déjà vu, and I just couldn't stay in the dark shadows anymore. I wouldn't have history repeat itself for me. I hadn't come along to beat Exo up, but seeing the way it was nothing would have changed if I hadn't interfered. Minhyuk would still believe that he'd convince them one day while Exo would think that he'd give in before that time comes. I had to stop that game of push and pull before Minhyuk got hurt too much. I wouldn't send him home with bruises this week.

The first two were no problem, I could defeat them single-handedly since all they did was attacking me without proper defense. I didn't even need my last resort, but that third guy was different from the others. Not only did he know what he was doing, but he also used more force than expected. There was one more thing making me nervous and it was what I saw on his shoulder: A tattoo of a number, six digits. Call me mad, it could have been a normal tattoo, but I felt like there was more to him. I had seen countless numeric tattoos during the past five years and this one looked exactly the same. And the fact that he hesitated at my use of idioms was proof enough to support my assumptions. I knew what he was.

It didn't take him long to attack me and I had a hard time fending his fists off when he managed to deal a blow to my ribs and I felt the air being pressed out of my lungs, but I wasn't done yet. I could only snap if I experienced enough pain and I felt my senses sharpen due to the adrenaline cursing through my veins. The rest was easy. The guy was relieved to have hit me and that was the exact moment he let his guard down, giving me the chance to grab him by the collar and slam him against the wall in what seemed like slow motion to me. My left hand darted to my bag and back up to his throat, pressing the cool material my fingers had grabbed in the blink of an eye against his skin. It was a piece of glass I had picked up before following Minhyuk into the corridor because I had had a feeling that something was fishy. I had been right.

Still, the man was about to fight back, struggling in my grasp but I leaned towards his ear in a hurry, my voice lowered into a whisper. _Go for it._ “Wǒmen xū yīqĭ shuōhuà.” _We need to talk_ in Chinese _._ He froze on the spot and I suppressed the urge to sigh in relief. _Bingo_. _Found one._

The remaining guy I hadn't beaten up yet took a step towards us, presumably to help his dear  _ friend _ , but I shifted a little to show him the shimmering shard of glass and my hostage raised his hand a little. One wrong move and he'd have driven himself into the sharp edge, resulting in death by blood loss. “Stop. It's no use, he has a weapon.”

We exchanged a glance and I forced myself to relax, letting him go and putting the shard back into my small bag right next to the book. “I'm sorry it had to come this far”, I stated loud and clear, examining the two guys on the ground. “But don't think I wouldn't do it again. Things are about to change with me here. You're at my mercy now and I wouldn't advise you to anger me. Hands off of your dealer. Hands off of me.” Again the man with the tattoo looked at me and nodded without having anyone else notice.

“We should do as he says.”

It wasn't until Minhyuk spoke up that I remembered him and a sick feeling filled my gut. I'd have a lot of explaining to do once we were done here. What were my reasons for beating two guys into a pulp and threatening to take the life of a third? Hell, where should I start explaining? “I've got enough for everybody”, the white-haired said with his hand fisting my jacket at the back and I suppressed the urge to shake it off. I didn't know if he was doing it because he was scared or to hold me back in case of another fight. Maybe a little bit of both. “The usual price and it's yours. Tell Joonmyun.” I could see his eyes grow a little anxious once they landed on me and I clenched my teeth and buried my hands in my pockets without a word.

The one I hadn't fought with nodded and helped the others into the house while the tattooed one stayed behind and made sure they had left. “Can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Sure.” I was about to tell Minhyuk to go into the house but he just held on tighter, having me face him and I saw him shiver – whether it was due to me or the cold I couldn't tell. “I'll be fine. He'll be fine. Don't worry.”

Minhyuk blinked a few times, sucking on his bottom lip. “Is the old Hyungwon back?”, he asked after a short silence and I would have laughed if he didn't look so scared, so I settled with a simple nod. Yes, the old Hyungwon was back, but Minhyuk didn't know that he only knew the new one. The old Hyungwon was someone I wanted to be dead though I would never manage to kill him. The past had found me and all I could do was use it to protect others if I could.

My company licked his lips once more before slowly letting go of my jacket and walking into the house with his hands grabbing the backpack's straps so hard his knuckles turned white. He had to be so scared of me now. Safety comes at a price after all.

“Are you listening?”

“Excuse me?” I turned my head towards the only person remaining in the backyard and glued my eyes to his tattoo when he sighed.

“I asked who you are. How much do you know? I can tell you didn't learn Chinese on your own, what are you?”

A huff escaped my lips and I nodded my head towards the street we had come from after glancing at the house's high walls. “Why don't we go for a walk? Less eavesdroppers.”

 

________________

 

 

It took Hyungwon about twenty minutes to come back and I had sealed the deal in the meantime, sitting on the staircase in pitch-black darkness and waiting for him to come back. I shot up when I heard steps in the corridor and walked towards the entrance when Lay pushed past me with a hand running through his hair. He gave me a curt nod before joining his gang mates and I stared after him for a moment while skipping down the stairs, bumping into someone else.

Hyungwon was quick to back away with a hiss and pressed himself against the wall which had me let out a dry laugh. “You are quite easily scared for someone who just fought three people and won in a canter, you know?” I couldn't help acting according to my curiosity, stepping closer until we were only about thirty centimeters apart. He didn't start hyperventilating, but he escaped to my left. “Oh and don't you think it's interesting how close you can be to your opponents but not your friends?”

He sighed and averted his gaze. “Sorry.”

“ _Sorry_? I think you have some more explaining to do, don't you agree? Sorry? Ha, let's go to our room.”

He raised an eyebrow but didn't look at me. “We have a room?”

“What do you think?”, I snorted, “That I'm sleeping in the streets?”

“It wouldn't surprise me, seeing how they do you dirty.”

I took a deep breath and turned around, walking up the stairs. “Third level. Let's go.” I was relieved when I heard him follow me and clung to the banister until we reached the wooden door, kicking it open.

“They're all upstairs in the fourth, so it could get a little louder, but they won't disturb us”, I mumbled, lighting three thick candles and placing them on a small nightstand next to the bed before turning towards Hyungwon with my arms crossed. His dark appearance almost completely blended into the shadows of the room and it looked spooky as hell. “What did Lay talk to you about?”

He walked towards the candles, his white complexion forming a weird contrast with the darkness of his hair, and sat down on the bed, eyes focused on the dancing flames. “Lay? Is that his name?” I nodded. “Nothing big. He apologized and I told him not to threaten you ever again or I'd repeat today's happenings.”

“You- No, wait, different question.” I hesitated and tilted my head to the side. “Are you alright?”

Hyungwon glanced up and furrowed his brows. “No body parts of theirs are broken, I just didn't think they'd go this hard on you-”

“Hyungwon, are you alright?”

“Look, I know you're probably afraid of me by now, but-”

“Answer the damn question!”, I blurted out, unable to bear with his lack of emotion. “Afraid? Why would I be _afraid_ of you little shit when you're the one who gets scared every time _I_ , meaning _no_ harm, get too close to you? I'm fucking worried, okay?! I just saw you beat up a bunch of guys, seeing a Hyungwon that is violent and takes the word mischief to a whole new level and you expect me not to give a damn about your state of mind? I want to know if you're fine!” His breathing faltered and he could only stare at me with big eyes while I was practically steaming. “I'm asking you once more and I want you to answer this question honestly: Are you alright?”

He didn't even dare to breathe and his eyes darted around my face for a few moments until it got too much and he lowered his head. “I'm perfectly fine.”

 _Breathe in. Breathe out._ “Good. You thought I was scared? Well, in a way I was. I was scared that you were going to get hurt, that's why I didn't want you to be on your own with Lay. What would we have done if you got hurt during another fight? What would we have done if you got into a panic attack?”

Again he processed my statement for a few seconds before burying his face in his hands. “You...were worried?”

“Damn right, I was. Now, enough of that, there are more important things you need to tell me. How will you start?”

Hyungwon rose to his feet but I pushed him back onto the bed, crossing my arms again and he sighed. “Good question. How?”

“Maybe by telling me where you learned to fight like some kind of super-ninja.” I snorted at my own comparison. A super-ninja, really? “It wasn't beginner's luck, I know what I saw, so you'd better not tell me you don't know either.”

“I... I know I owe you an explanation.” Hyungwon licked his lips and swallowed hard. “But I can't tell you everything I-”

“Hyungwon, if you're going to be like this I'll have Wonho come for you and I'll let him do whatever he wants until you talk. I know that's foul play and I know I wanted to give you time, but it got to a point today where I don't know what to think of you. Just give me a chance to understand all of this.” Of course I'd never have done that, but Hyungwon would have believed everything after my outburst. And I must say letting Wonho handle this seemed to be very easy all of a sudden. Hyungwon wasn't the fragile little thing I had assumed him to be before – he was a damn fighter.

I saw Hyungwon shiver and impatiently chewed on the inside of my cheek. “Well, ac-actually I-...I was in the army before. Like you s-said the other day”, he stuttered, tangling and untangling his fingers without daring to look at me.

_Just like I thought._ “I had that on my mind for a while”, I confirmed with a nod and took a step back so that he wouldn't feel too suffocated.

“The Chinese army.”

_Of course the Chinese army, why else would you be like that?_ He was opening up and it was obvious how hard it was for him. “What... What did they do to you?”

“Nothing special for a Korean slave”, he laughed dryly and hid his face behind his hands again. “And yet too much.”

“Kihyun was a sniper. I guess you were trained for hand-to-hand combat?”

“Kind...of, yeah.” His tone of voice made clear that there was more behind those three words, but he wouldn't tell me.

“Did you get hurt a lot?”

Hyungwon licked his lips and took a deep breath. “It's not the physical wounds that hurt the most.”

Something had messed with his mind, he was devastated. I wanted to change the topic to let him relax, but his shivers wouldn't subside. “If it hurts so bad why did you help me? You could have let them beat me up since you're only here to fill your book anyway, aren't you?”

“I'm- That-”, he stumbled over his words for a few seconds before sighing. “You remind me of someone I knew. It's not important.”

I knit my brows. “Knew?” Hyungwon nodded and took off his shoes before pulling his knees up to his chin.

“He's dead.” He rubbed his eyes. “Died a little more than three years ago. Can we finish that topic?”

I was quick to nod and duck my head. He really didn't want to talk about it. “S-sorry for asking.”

“It was expected”, he mumbled absentmindedly while taking the small book out of his bag with trembling hands. “I, uhm, I won't go up there to meet all the members since I'm probably Exo's enemy now, so...could you tell me what you know about their gang instead? At least I had the chance to meet some of them.”

Again I nodded, watching as he shifted to lean against the wall at head's end and I got rid of my shoes as well before sitting down at the opposite side of the bed. “Sure, it's...it's the least I can do for you it seems.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I remember this very lively. I was so happy to finally start on proper character development and advance the story, I hope you guys see it too <3 Leave a comment or something nice while reading, I would be really happy~


	10. Perfection is a matter of Ignorance

I was just about to perfect my drawing of the blue flower after writing down everything Minhyuk had told me when I glanced up from the book with a frown. It had gotten quiet at the other end of the bed and it didn't surprise me to see him deep asleep, curled up with his white hair falling over his eyes. I'd still have had enough energy to walk back, but it looked like he had completely exhausted himself during his little outburst earlier and I smirked for a split second before turning it into a scowl.

He wasn't scared of me and it was confusing. He had said he was worried about me, how was I supposed to deal with that? I stood up as quietly as I could, throwing a blanket over his body before walking towards the window through which I could see the moon being surrounded by clouds. There was a rather broad windowsill and I sat down on the cool stone.

 _Say, what happens to people when they die? Do they still hear us?_ It wasn't the first time I was hearing this again but I hadn't allowed myself to think about it for more than a year. _I don't know, you tell me._ I sat up and reached out with my hand as if to push the clouds threatening to cover the moon aside. Sometimes you just have to get rid of something weighing you down, so why not give it a go? I breathed in and closed my eyes, resting my chin on my knees. “Hey, Sangwon. You still awake?” A lump formed in my throat and I could only breathe my words, fearing that Minhyuk might hear me. “I don't know if I'm going mad or if I'm sane for the first time in years. Would it be okay to tell him? I mean, yes, I know what you're probably gonna say:” I furrowed my brows, trying to imitate his expressions. “How dare you question this, Hyungwon? You've got to do it, because he really cares!”

A huff escaped my lips and I relaxed my face. “Maybe, yes, but I don't know if I can even accept that care. I thought _I_ needed help, but seeing how others treated him today... He reminds me of you. He's always so bright though he isn't fine at all, I envy him.” Exo laughed upstairs and I glanced at the ceiling with a sigh. “You know, many things have happened since you've been gone. I'm living in a house of drug addicts, I even became one myself in order to make the army a thing of the past. But today I finally realized that I can't change what those bastards made of me. I just know too much. I'm still a monster, trained to kill. Neither you nor Yi-en could change a thing about that, why would I change now? Sorry, Sangwon.”

A loud thump echoed through the room as the others seemed to have dropped something heavy and I flinched with a sniffle. “I didn't get to be the hero you wanted me to be.”

“Hyung...won?”, a sleepy whisper reached my ears and I jerked my head towards Minhyuk in shock, careful not to twist my upper body. When had he woken up, did he hear me?

I forced myself to keep calm and stood up, strolling over to him. “Yeah?”

Minhyuk tightly grabbed the blanket I had put over him and yawned, struggling to keep his eyes open. “Can't sleep?”

I shrugged and buried my hands in my pockets. “Looks like it, but don't mind me, I'll be fine. Go back to sleep.” He didn't need to be told twice since he had already dozed off again before I could even finish my sentence and I huffed quietly, carefully squatting down at the bed with my hand stroking a few strands of hair out of his face. He was so hard to read, what had his life been like before he got addicted? Before the Chinese invaded Korea?

I glanced back at the window, thinking about my talk with Lay earlier. His name wasn't actually Lay. And he wasn't Korean either, no.

 

“ _I'll ask again: Who are you?”, he asked me with his hands curled into fists once we started walking down the street and I smirked at him._

“ _The spy is getting nervous. You think I'll sneak your identity to your dear_ friends _?” I had to play pretend with him. I had to gain his trust and that was something I was good at. Gaining trust wasn't my problem, it was returning it which I couldn't do._

“ _You didn't yet, so, why? How did you know?”, the man insisted and I snorted._

“ _You don't conceal it very well and you still have an accent. Anyone knowing about the system would have been able to confront you, you should consider yourself lucky it's me. Get yourself a shirt with sleeves to cover that tattoo at the very least.”_

“ _Why would you help me?”_

_I grabbed my shirt on the left side and raised it to expose a little bit of skin. “We're on the same boat. Your name?”_

_He stared at the number with big eyes and blinked a few times. “Yixing, that's my actual name. You?”_

Yixing? Never heard of him, must be someone new. _I licked my lips and glanced to the side. “Ever heard of someone nicknamed 'turtle'?” He furrowed his brows for a moment._

“ _He's like some kind of legend, I've never met him. They say he never made a mistake during his missions and he's currently undercover to help us keep- W-wait.” His mouth dropped open and he stared at me with eyes that would fall out if he opened them just a little more._

_I gave him a lopsided yet sad smirk and nodded. “Yup. Legend is a little bit too overkill, but yes, that's me.” It seemed like the military thought I had left to investigate for their sake and I suppressed a sigh of relief. I had them exactly where I wanted them to be and I turned my expression into a threatening mask, grabbing Yixing's shoulder to make him look at me._ Time to make the past my present.  _“I'm currently observing the system that is the Clan, so you'd better control your dear friends and stop beating Minhyuk up or else we'll have a civil uprising in no time since he's their main dealer. Those drugs are distracting the people from their hatred towards our great leaders and it's better to leave it that way.” I licked my lips, disgusted by my own words, but I still grabbed him by the collar and kept going. “Someone ruining that system is the last thing I want to deal with now. There is no room for mistakes here, so you'd better not tell our boss to hunt their dealers down, did you_ understand  _what I said?”_

_Yixing nodded frantically and I shoved him away with a swallow. “Good. Then go back before they notice your absence and grow suspicious.”_

_Again he nodded but curiosity got the better of him when he turned around once more. “Is... Is it true that you killed your higher-up to get to his rank?”_

_A lump formed in my throat but I managed to give him a smile laced with fake mischief that would make anyone shiver. “He was a poser, nothing but a disgrace. He deserved it.”_

 

My gaze wandered across the room and got stuck on Minhyuk yet again. _How did I end up like this,_ I thought with a sigh as I grabbed my book from the cupboard and scribbled a few words down before ripping the page out and making my way towards the fourth story in almost complete silence.

Exo would do as I said from now on with Yixing thinking I was giving them new rules to keep up the peace when in reality I just wanted _him_ to lie low. For now, I was the one in control. I slid the paper through the space under the door and returned to our room, sitting down on the floor to let my head rest on the bed next to the sleeping Minhyuk. “You're safe for now”, I breathed, finally feeling myself grow tired by the second.

But I was lying.

With me in their lives, nobody could ever really think themselves to be safe.

 

________________

 

 

When I woke up in the morning, Hyungwon was already putting on his shoes though the sun had barely shot its first light across the sky and I groaned, stretching my arms and legs with a yawn. “You're up?”, I mumbled, rubbing my eyes. “Didn't sleep well?”

He pulled on his shoelaces once more before glancing up. “I never do, but it's fine. Let's leave before they wake up.” I didn't question his lack of explanation and nodded, blinking the remaining sleep out of my eyes and rolling out of bed.

We were past the door twenty minutes later and I hugged myself due to the cold as I watched the other people on the street. Many men were leaving for work, it was around half past six, and it was rare for me to see this many people at once. They would all go to work early and come back late at night, it was normal, because they either worked on farms in the country, like Shownu, or for the few big companies we had left in the cities. “Look how they're all moving in synchronicity”, Hyungwon stated with a voice void of emotion and I nodded.

“Like robots.”

“Like the slaves we are”, he corrected me bitterly causing another wave of shivers to run down my spine. We walked in silence, watching the men pass by with worn out faces until I couldn't stand it anymore.

“It's inhumane. Was it like that in the army as well?”

I felt Hyungwon stiffen at my direct question, but he did his best not to let anything else show. “It depends. If you prove to be good they won't treat you worse than their own people. If you can't keep up though, well, things happen.”

I swallowed at his dark voice and started chewing on my lower lip. “Were you good?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“I'm curious.”

“Curiosity killed the cat, you don't need to know.”

“You're carrying everything on your own again”, I groaned, flicking his forehead which had him hiss. “I _want_ to know and I promise nothing will change between us. I know Chae Hyungwon and what's in the past is in the past.” He didn't say anything which had me sigh in disappointment.

Not daring to look at me he opened my backpack and pulled the small radio out. “Le-let's listen to the radio again.” We still had two and a half hours to go, I wouldn't start arguing with him now. He had done enough already, it was fine. I'd let him take his time, because the more time we spent together the more I felt like he'd tell me eventually.

 

“You know, I thought about our past conversations and got reminded of the twenty-question game we played, like, three weeks ago?”, I started carefully after walking in silence for maybe fifty minutes and Hyungwon turned his head towards me with a raised eyebrow. “Each of us still has one question to go and I thought of one just now.”

“ _Now_? Don't you think it's expired already?” The look I gave him had him raise his hands in defeat. “Fine, whatever. Ask.”

“Okay, I know this is probably a really rude question”, I said seriously, staring at his face to make sure I wouldn't miss out on his reaction. “But when you said that you had that person you would have trusted with your life and he let you down-”

“You're right, it's rude.”

“This is my twentieth question and I have the right to get an honest answer, we agreed on that.”

“I didn't think you'd ever make use of it, I can't believe I even told you about him.”

A huff escaped my lips. “Now that really is _your_ fault, isn't it?” I felt like Hyungwon was trying to protect that person, yet he didn't even want to think about him at the same time, it was crazy. His breathing sped up and I licked my lips, changing my question a little. He didn't want to talk about that person specifically. “I was just wondering who the people you dream about every night are. How many there are and what they are to you. If the one who died so long ago is the same as the one you trusted like you said the other day. Can... Can you at least answer that?”

A shiver caused Hyungwon's fingers to tremble for a few seconds but he forced himself to calm down – the struggle was visible on his face. “Those are pretty many questions you squeezed into one there”, he breathed and I started chewing on my lip when his hands curled into fists. “They... They are not...the same. They couldn't be more different.”

I nodded with my eyes lowered to the ground. _So we've got two important people so far_ , I concluded, repeating the things I knew about those people in my head. One died about three years ago. The other was someone Hyungwon had to be attracted to or he wouldn't have mentioned it in that context while high. “Is the one who left you...the reason why you're so sensitive concerning physical contact?”, I wondered and he kept clenching and unclenching his fists.

“No, he'd never have done something like that”, he snapped, only then realizing that he had said that out loud. “You better stop asking now.” Something like that? Like what? The way he closed up was infuriating and I resisted the urge to squeeze all the information I needed out of him.

“Okay, so, do you have a twentieth question by now?”, I asked while massaging my temples. He would talk, I would get the truth out of him. Hyungwon just shook his head and I took a deep breath. _At least I know that there is more than just one person_ , I thought to myself, but before I could plug myself with Chinese music again, he actually spoke up.

“Remember how you told me that Fate must hate me when we first met?”, Hyungwon asked out of the blue and I blinked in surprise.

“You actually remember what I said a month ago?”

“Others remember a shitty game of twenty questions”, he shrugged and I could only huff. “Well, you were right: Fate does hate me.”

My steps faltered for a second, but I was quick to regain my composure. “Why?”

Hyungwon kicked a pebble lying on the street, sending it several meters ahead. “Because everything I think to be good ends up taking a turn for the worse. It's kind of my destiny I guess.”

He looked anywhere but at me and I swallowed, pursing my lips. “Maybe it's just your imagination. Everybody thinks that whatever they do will go wrong. That's why we end up being cowards following a stronger person's orders like puppets because then we'll at least have someone to blame if it goes wrong.”

“But I'm not like that”, Hyungwon insisted through clenched teeth. “I _wanted_ to be blamed, but then, everything went wrong and someone else had to suffer _._ You asked me if I was good at my...job.” I nodded and just when we reached the stone he had kicked earlier, he sent it flying again. “The answer is yes, because I couldn't allow myself any mistakes. The answer is yes, because when I made one once, only _once,_ someone else had to pay for it. The answer is yes, because my answer _always_ had to be yes.” His fists started to shake and I desperately wanted to help him, but how? He had to tell someone. And listening was all I could do for him.

“From then on, I was good. And I got too good.”

I looked at him who was just staring straight ahead with his mouth forming a thin line and I inhaled carefully. “You... You can't be _too_ good at something.”

“Yes, you can”, he insisted, “You're too good when you lose your emotions. When you don't question anything and just keep going without ever looking back. When you forget what it feels like to fail. People who have been fighting for too long eventually forget what they started doing it for. I never made a mistake in more than three years, doing whatever I was told, and that's when you're too good. Everybody needs to fuck his job up once in a while or it will fuck _him_ up.” A bitter chuckle emitted from him. “But how to make a mistake when someone else has to take the damn blame? All I could do was follow orders like an idiot.”

He narrowed his eyes but still avoided looking at me and I had to frown. “It's okay, you're here now, they won't hurt you anymore”, I whispered quietly as if not wanting to scare a little rabbit away.

“Oh, you think? Ha!”, he huffed in disbelief. “Who's the one trying not to trigger any panic attacks here? Who was the one to tell me that he was worried about my state of mind only yesterday? Oh, wait, that was you. Look, it doesn't matter where I am, I'm nothing but their fucking tool anyway. I'm a hollow shell, it's delusional to say otherwise. They are in my mind, Minhyuk. And they'll always be.”

I didn't know what to do or say to comfort him; he looked so bitter and hurt, it felt like a punch to the guts to me. He hated what he was and I couldn't understand why, since everything he had done just seemed to have been a measure to survive somehow. “You're not hollow, you're Hyungwon. Chae Hyungwon, the guy who fights gangs just to protect a single person. A guy with weaknesses and strengths like everybody else, how can you say that you're just a tool?”, I breathed which had him stop in his tracks with his jaw tensed and his fingernails probably leaving crescent-shaped imprints on his palms by now.

He didn't reply and let out a snort before walking ahead in silence, his fists buried in his pockets and I stared at him from behind. He was dying on the inside, wanting to kill whatever kind of monster he thought himself to be. I started chewing on my bottom lip and my fingers played with the earphone cord as we kept going home with Hyungwon always at least five steps ahead, only occasionally turning around to make sure I was still there.

 

It wasn't until we were almost at home that I found the courage to start running. I had to. How else would he understand that I wanted him to open up? It was risky, but what wasn't? I ran towards him, the snow scrunching beneath my feet, and Hyungwon didn't even have enough time to turn around when I had already thrown my arms around his torso, hugging him as tightly as I could. This had worked with Wonho once, maybe it worked with him as well. Hyungwon's whole body froze and his breath got stuck in his throat while I was burying my face between his shoulder blades. “Please don't ever say that you're a tool again”, I mumbled into his thick jacket while his hands tried to make me let go but without success. “Please start realizing that you're not alone anymore. You have all of Monsta X now.”

“Let me go”, he could only whisper, a slight tremble to his voice. “It hurts.”

“I won't”, I replied, tightening my embrace yet again and he let out a hiss.

“Shit, Minhyuk, don't-” He squirmed in my grasp, wincing quietly as he tried to put a hand between my arm and his chest. “Seriously, don't put any more pressure on me and let go.”

I furrowed my brows, turning him around only to find a pair of closed eyes, overshadowed by a deep frown. I thought he had said it because he was afraid of me being close to him, but something was not right. He clawed at the fabric, taking many shallow breaths and he didn't even care the slightest about how close I was standing at that moment, he couldn't even see it with his eyes closed. “W-what's wrong?”

He quickly let go of his jacket trying to push me back instead – and I let him. “Nothing, just... Just don't touch me.” I followed him with a raised eyebrow, itching to pester him with questions, but I held back. I'd wait for us to get home. I'd wait. Good things come to those who wait.

 

________________

 

The long walk was hard. The worst part was that I would have to go straight to the convenience store for work and I wanted to go back to sleep just by the thought of it. Minhyuk tried to break my walls down again, like he always did, but somehow he actually managed to sneak a peek every now and then. I was getting soft and I didn't even care all that much. It somehow felt like I got lighter, but I didn't know how to cope with that new feeling, trying to ignore him again.

Minhyuk however had other plans with me. I was so taken aback when he fucking hugged me out of the blue, I wanted to run, but what was worse was the pressure on my ribs. Something had damaged them during my fight with Yixing the evening before and due to the hug, the pain increased tenfold, which had me hiss in pain. My clingy friend, if friend is what I can call him by now, seemed to notice and I broke free from his grasp, walking on in silence. He didn't say anything, making me anxious since he'd normally start throwing metaphors, questions or assumptions at me.

“I'll go to the store right away”, I said once I recognized the neighborhood again and Minhyuk shot me a confused look.

“Are you sure you're alright? Maybe you should just go home and rest-”

“I will go to work. I can't miss out again, this week's been weird enough”, I insisted, turning left at a corner and Minhyuk's steps came to a halt, having me turn around.

“You should really come home. I could send Kihyun.”

“No way I'm letting him handle this again, I'll go. See you in the afternoon?”, I asked as he stared at me with an unreadable expression to the point where it got slightly scary.

He gave me a curt nod, mirroring me by burying his hands in his pockets before turning around. “Whatever.”

I watched him leave and couldn't help feeling a little sorry for him. He was trying so hard to understand, but how should he ever be able to grasp the full extent of the danger any knowledge about me put him in? And what should I do if they kicked me out after finding out about everything? Where would I go? Probably back to hell. Not to mention the fact that I'd still need drugs.

I didn't want to go back there, I thought as I walked to the convenience store.

With all this right then and there I had found a good place to stay at.

Little did that place know how toxic I could be though.

Little did they know that once I was summoned to talk about my observations, there wouldn't be a thing I could do for them anymore and they'd most likely die.

And it got even worse as I had the feeling that I would miss them really bad.

But I tried not to think about that, at least not until I could go back again with mixed feelings.

 

“I'm back!”, I shouted through the house, finally able to relax my shoulders as I took off my thick jacket. I had been thinking about Minhyuk's reaction to me being cold for the whole day and to be honest, I felt bad for having him grow desperate. I wanted to see what he'd do now. How he'd talk to me, if he even did. I didn't receive a reply at first but could make out the sound of someone rummaging upstairs right before casting a glance at the living room where Jooheon was sitting at the table. _Déjà vu_ , I thought, suppressing a roll of my eyes as I walked up to him who was doing his homework. 

“What happened yesterday? With Exo, I mean”, his rough voice sounded before I had even reached his chair though he didn't bother looking up.

“Uhm... Nothing big, I don't like those Exo guys and taught them to watch their manners, that's it”, I mumbled, leaning on the table, but Jooheon didn't seem very convinced.

“Then why has Minhyuk been cracking up ever since he came back?” He stood up to glare at me from narrow eyes. “Did you do something to him as well?”

“What? No, I-”

“Hyungwon.” I froze when I heard Minhyuk's voice. What was wrong, why was Jooheon worrying about him when I had done all I could to prevent him from getting hurt? It didn't make sense.

The student turned to look at Minhyuk. “You know, you've been weird the whole day and since you won't tell-”

He cut him off with a wave of his hand, his eyes fixed on me. “You'll go to the bathroom right now and sit down on the chair. Don't even _think_ of objecting.” I blinked in confusion, unable to move and he covered the room's width to stop right in front of me and shove me back, inevitably hitting my damaged ribs. His brows raised when I couldn't suppress a hiss. “What are you waiting for? You didn't hear me? Get moving.”

I glanced at Jooheon once more who seemed to be just as shocked as me before stumbling up the stairs. What the hell was going on?

 

________________

 

Hyungwon wanted to play running-away-from-your-problems again? Well, I didn't.

I grabbed a few things from the little bathroom shelves and stared at them for a moment before raising a brow at the person that was awkwardly sitting in the middle of the room. He moved, just a bit, but I could see how he wanted to stand up. “I told you to keep sitting.”

He froze and his jaw tensed as he let himself fall back onto the chair. “Look, I'm tired-”

“What's with your chest? Must be the most tiring thing today.”

He stared at me for a solid ten seconds, inspecting my blank face until he started chewing on his bottom lip. “Y-you are...”

My shoulders lowered with a sigh and I walked over, crouching down so that I wouldn't make him feel uncomfortable by towering over him. “Yeah, I'm worried. I can tell something's not right, so just let me patch you up and we're good, okay?”

Hyungwon clawed at his sweater, not exactly knowing where to look. “I can do it myself.”

“Sure you can. Now, where does it hurt?” He had to huff at my persistence.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Do I need more of a reason than helping a hurt friend?”

“Friend?” He lowered his gaze to the ground and chewed on his bottom lip, contemplating on something for another moment before actually giving in. “Alright.” I couldn't suppress the urge to take a sharp breath once he had very hesitantly lifted his shirt over his head to reveal a giant rainbow-colored bruise on the right side of his torso.

“Huh”, he muttered, looking at himself in the mirror. “Didn't think it would look that bad.”

I swallowed, my eyes darting from his face to the bruise and back up again and I didn't allow myself to appreciate how well he was built despite his skinny arms. Well, maybe I did, however, I cleared my throat and touched the bruise with my cold fingertips, causing goosebumps to form on his skin. “What happened?”

“It was during the fight with Yi-...uh...Lay. He went all out to hit me, I guess”, Hyungwon stated while inspecting the dark spot himself and I raised my head to find our faces just about ten centimeters apart which had him turn away in a hurry. “I-it would be best to just stabilize it for now”

“Stabilize, yeah, right”, I stuttered, motioning him to stand up as I started wrapping his chest with gauze, causing him to take a few strained breaths while tightening the fabric to make sure it wouldn't be too loose.

We remained silent for a while but then his expression turned into a slight frown. “Why does it feel like this isn't the first time you're taking care of something like that?”, he asked seemingly casually but I saw him play with his fingers as though he was anxious.

“Jooheon”, was all I mumbled before letting out a sigh. “You can't imagine how often the wretch gets into fights at college.”

His fingers stopped moving and he let out a snort. “Oh, I think I can. I wonder...What about Changkyun? Do they catch him often when he tries to steal?”

A lopsided smirk appeared on my face and I ran my hand over the gauze to straighten it out. “Sadly, they don't. He's a hit and run kind of guy, stealing and then hiding somewhere nobody really knows until they give up on finding him. If they do get him before that, he'll go to Kihyun who will take care of his injuries in silence. It's one of the rare moments where both are quiet and don't argue. Kihyun always remains clear-headed when it comes to injuries, he would've become a great doctor if he hadn't... well, yeah.” I glanced at his frown for a moment and raised a brow. “We're some sick bunch of idiots, right?”

Hyungwon looked away, pressing his lips together and I saw him suppress a slight smile. “Yeah, I wonder why I'm even here.” He was so different from before. He let me help him. We were getting closer and it filled me with a feeling of relief.

“Like will to like, I guess.” My eyes fell on a row of six numbers on his waist, their pitch black color forming a contrast with his white skin and I let my index finger run across them. 041394. He shivered. “What's that?”

Hyungwon kept looking at himself in the mirror, not daring to let his gaze stray towards me again, but he knew exactly what I was talking about. “It's a mistake from many years ago.”

“What does it mean?” I pulled on the gauze once last time to tighten it and he clenched his teeth before I patted the dressing. “All done.”

He quickly pulled his sweater over his head and clenched his fists, causing me to cock my head to the side. “They are my parents' birthdays and my year of birth.”

“Oh, but that's rather cute. Why do you say it's a mistake?” He huffed and took a deep breath before turning towards me with a weird look on his face I couldn't quite classify.

“Cute? I don't think my parents ever want to see me again and neither do I. They're probably wishing for me to have kicked the bucket on the streets. I don't think that's what you should call cute.”

I put a hand on his shoulder and for one of the first times he didn't shake it off. “Why are you saying this? How can you be sure-”

“I wouldn't be here if they loved me. But I was never the perfect son, so, why should they in the first place?” He let out a dry laugh and opened the door to the corridor to make his way downstairs without giving me a chance to hold him back, so I quickly uttered my thoughts.

“Every child is perfect the way it is. You can't be an imperfect son.”

He stopped in his tracks and looked up at my face at the top of the staircase, a sad smile gracing his lips. “I wish they'd thought the same back then.”

“Good thing you found us”, I whispered, proudly returning his smile though I wasn't sure whether he could actually hear the last bit. “Because in this house we're all perfect.”

 

________________

 

I would never admit it, but after getting my chest wrapped up in gauze I really felt a lot better. Yes, it was a bit hard to move every now and then, but at least I didn't thoughtlessly make a wrong move. I also felt a lot lighter, metaphorically of course. Once I had sat down on the couch in the living room Jooheon cocked his head to the side and closed his books to rest his feet on top of them on the table. “Well?”

He didn't need to ask twice, but I still took my time, trying to read his books' titles without much success. “I was injured, he was worried. No big deal.”

 _No big deal, huh?_ My mind replayed the way Minhyuk had made sure that the gauze was just tight enough, his gaze fixed on the fabric in concentration. The way he had noticed the numbers. The way he just mentioned them in passing as though this wasn't the only thing about me I couldn't hide from the guys. He simply trusted me when I explained their meaning and I was relieved but also feeling bad for him. I'd have to tell him the whole truth someday. And I could only hope that I would be able to do it before he had to find out on his own.

I felt Jooheon's gaze boring holes into my skull and I cleared my throat in a hurry. _Change of topic. Quick._ “I heard you get into lots of fights at college?”

“Yeah.” He leaned back and started rocking his chair back and forth. “Surprised?”

“Not really.” We both shrugged. “But I was just wondering...what exactly are you fighting for?”

He stopped for a moment, pursing his lips while I heard Minhyuk come down the stairs. “Not quite sure. Honor, maybe?”

“There's nothing honorable about someone who's walking around randomly beating guys into a pulp”, Minhyuk mentioned, walking past us and into the kitchen with a roll of his eyes only I could see.

“It's not at random!”, Jooheon growled, his head snapping towards the kitchen door. “They are all hating on my damn parents, what am I supposed to do? Theirs are the ones who are shit, why should I let them fucking step on-”

“I hate it when you get worked up”, Minhyuk interrupted without even shooting a glance at the other. “You're getting vulgar.”

Jooheon's voice gradually got louder and I figured that his parents were a sensitive topic, causing me to get up to have a seat opposite to him at the table. He was mad, but there was a reason – and it wasn't the Delphinium side effect. “Then don't cast doubt on my behavior, I know what I'm doing, okay?”, he growled, narrowing his already tiny eyes at me. “You got a problem with me as well, right? The door's over there, you're free to leave.”

“Actually I don't, nah.” I pulled one knee to my chin and kept returning his stare without ever looking away. He wouldn't win against me in a staring contest and I felt like I knew what he was talking about. Those who were treated unfairly had to be protected. “Did you give them a good beating?”

“Huh?” His eyes widened in surprise while Minhyuk just huffed. Jooheon cleared his throat before a careful lopsided smirk appeared on his face. “Y-yeah, of course. They didn't deserve any less after all and they're all weak.”

“Thought so.” I shrugged and nudged his feet with mine to finally read the title of the book he was resting them on, causing my brows to shoot up. “English? You're learning English?”

He glanced at the dark-brown cover, boredom on his face. “Started a few weeks ago. I don't learn languages well, but it's easier than Chinese, I guess.”

My eyes darted around the room and I fumbled with my words for a moment. “Would you- I mean, are- no... Do you think you could-”

“Wow. Didn't think you could ever talk without sounding cocky”, Jooheon mentioned and I quickly looked at him in uncertainty which had him raise his hands as if to surrender. “I'm always rude, younger or not, don't cry. Now spit it out, I haven't got all day.”

I swallowed and glued my eyes to the book again. “Could you teach me? I mean, sure, I've had English at school, but it's been, like, five years now and I don't really remember a lot, so...?”

“There's nothing I could teach you. Told you I don't learn well”, he replied while stretching his back and I let my shoulders sink a little. “But”, he continued, pushing the book towards me, “you could help me a little. Maybe two idiots can floor it. I'll get through my course and you'll learn that cursed language. Win-win.”

Minhyuk came back into the living room with a cup of coffee when I reached out for the book. “If I was in your place I wouldn't touch what that stray cat's feet touched, it might be radioactive now.”

“Can you shut up? We're doing business here.” Jooheon stuck his tongue out, but Minhyuk wasn't impressed and walked up to him to ruffle his hair up with his free hand while I could hear the front door being opened.

“Look at how well Jooheonnie is getting along with his new big brother, isn't he just too cute for words? Aw, what a cutie.” Jooheon looked completely annoyed and I saw him clench his teeth in order to restrain himself.

“I heard 'cute' without my name being mentioned, is Minhyuk cheating on me with Jooheon again?”, Wonho's voice sounded from the corridor and I didn't know how to react at all, reminding myself of the fact that this was _Wonho_ and he probably wasn't joking.

“Let's do as you said. Win-win”, I finished our little 'trade' first by extending my hand and Jooheon grabbed it with a sigh and a grin, not a trace of the brat he was just minutes ago left in his eyes.

“Alright.”

Wonho entered the living room, raising a brow at the weird scenery before making his way to Minhyuk's side and resting his chin on the white-haired's shoulder. “Aw, I see. The kids are all grown up doing business, that really is cute. I knew you would never cheat on me. You even made coffee.” I swallowed, clenching my teeth in secret when Wonho's left arm came around Minhyuk's waist while his right carefully reached out for the cup in Minhyuk's hand, but the latter dodged and hit the blond's stomach with his elbow instead, making him wince.

“There's nobody to cheat on when you're single, darling. We'll never be a thing. Now get lost or I'll tell Jooheon to beat you up.”

“You wouldn't. What kind of a threat is that even?”

“Is that a challenge?”

“What if I win?”

“You think I'd hold back?”, Jooheon interrupted, clicking his tongue while raising a brow at the bickering duo. Wonho's face twisted into an expression of displeasure after just a few moments.

“True, I'll pass. Give me that coffee though.” Minhyuk wordlessly punched his opponent's stomach again. “Argh, fine, I'll make one myself”, he muttered, rubbing his stomach. “Diva.”

“ _Diva_? Wanna die?”

“I'd rather not, but thanks for asking.”

I could just listen to their exchange in silence, my eyes darting from Minhyuk to Wonho and back again while the blond actually obeyed and started making himself coffee. Jooheon seemed to notice something was off, frowning at me from across the table. “You know, they might be behaving like they're married, but actually-”

“I love my wife!”, Wonho shouted but Minhyuk just crossed his arms with a hiss.

“I'm unwed.”

“-it's completely one sided”, Jooheon concluded with a sigh and a slight shake of his head.

A lump formed in my throat and I felt how my fingers got cold and sweaty at the same time while Minhyuk watched me with a weird glint to his eyes. “They're all spouting nonsense”, he said, rolling his eyes, “There isn't even one male in a _hundred_ people he had something going on with. Wonho can't be gay, he just loves to pretend he is.”

“What would you say if I told you I actually was then? Would you return my feelings, dear?”, the person in question asked while coming back into the living room, his fingers curled around a steaming mug.

Minhyuk snorted. “Oh please, as if that would make a difference. Your sexuality doesn't change a thing about your rotten character, you know? And I can smell your lies against the wind anyway.”

“Rude. Calling me rotten. I don't even have a chance?”

“Sorry, wasn't your name Shin rotten Wonho, I was quite sure of it? And no, you don't.”

“Very funny. I'll ask you again in a few days, maybe you'll change your mind.”

“And this-”, Jooheon spoke up again, pointing at the grinning Wonho on the sofa while Minhyuk snorted a quiet 'whatever.' “-is how it always ends. You should get used to it rather quickly.”

My mind was working at full blast, processing the quick dialogue and interpreting each and every facial expression while trying to read their body language as well. All of this was new to me.

It was a useless exchange, it literally didn't change a thing about how the three of them interacted with _each other,_ but it certainly changed the way _I_ viewed them. This wasn't what they had been like in my presence before. Yeah, Wonho was a flirt, but not in a way this comical, it actually made me want to believe that he had made this a facade of his own I was only starting to psych now. Jooheon was talking to me all of a sudden, willing to clear up any misunderstandings that could occur in my mind. Minhyuk, well, he was just the same as always, but without trying to make sure I was alright twenty-four seven.

All three of them were completely at ease, even with me around, and that's when I felt that painful tug on my heart. This was what I had always wanted, what every lonely person wants: A group of friends that doesn't care about who you are and that will just talk freely about any issues coming up. People whose reactions you don't need to worry about, no matter what you say, because they'll always try to understand. And it was only now that I started to see their true colors.

“Hyungwon, are you okay?”, Minhyuk's voice sounded and I blinked a few times to find him looking at me with his head cocked to the side. “Spacing out?”

“Uhm... Yeah, I guess”, I mumbled, a bit taken aback by the three pairs of eyes on me.

Minhyuk broke out into a wide grin. “Good. You're finally starting to relax around us.”

Was I? Well, they were behaving differently as well, so maybe...? I glanced around the room, licking my lips. Yeah, I definitely was loosening up – I would never have let any emotion peek through my mask if it were the same as before. What was happening with me? When had this started? I swallowed. Probably when I had had my breakdown, maybe even before that without me noticing. Weird how your mind sometimes can't follow what you do anymore. “I mean it's... It's a bit strange”, I finally whispered, glancing at Minhyuk and Wonho. “Watching you bicker like there's nothing to worry about.”

Jooheon scowled and leaned on the table to reach out and flick my forehead, causing me to flinch in surprise. “Kch. Look at you. Of course there's stuff to worry about, but you can't live your life with worries weighing you down, alright?”

“Yeah”, Wonho added with a nod and an actual honest and warm smile. “Worrying is just another word for being scared. And a scared life is none.”

I raised a brow at him, but Minhyuk was faster, knowing what I was about to ask. “Shownu taught us.”

I closed my mouth again and clenched my fists, watching the blood flee from my knuckles. “He is your leader for a reason.”

“Damn right”, Jooheon confirmed with a nod. “Best dude. Always doing his best as well. He must be Superman.”

“Now, isn't that a bit too much?”, Wonho asked. “And what about me? If he's Superman who am I?”

Minhyuk huffed with a smirk. “Who'd you want to be? Wonder Woman? You've got the boobs.”

“They're muscles!”

“Yeah, right.”

“Wait, wouldn't that be Wonder Wonho then?”, Jooheon asked, barely suppressing a chuckle when a pillow was thrown at his face and everybody rolled their eyes. I was beginning to understand where Madhyuk and Sadhyuk had come from.

“That's all wrong, you're an idiot”, Wonho mumbled, pretending his way too gigantic ego to have been bruised, but I knew it would never even get a scratch. “Hyungwon, say something!”

I froze up, stifled a cough and tried to remain blank-faced. “True, what Jooheon said wasn't right... I mean, uhm...” I bit down on my tongue for a moment before just voicing my thoughts. “Wonho Woman is much better, isn't it?”

“Yah!”

Minhyuk had to laugh out loud. “So you _do_ have a sense of humor after all! Ah, that's so nice, I like it.”

“Good job, man”, Jooheon agreed with a cheeky smile, dimples becoming visible on his cheeks as he drew himself up and glanced at his English book once more. “Let's learn every evening, starting from tomorrow, yeah? When you're back from work?”

I nodded and managed to put on a smile. This was getting easier by the day, it made me...happy. “Sure.”

 

It wasn't until an hour later that Shownu got home and since neither Kihyun nor Changkyun had shown their faces yet everybody assumed that they'd stay away for the day. That's why it was just the five of us sitting around the table with a steaming bowl of ramyun each when Shownu locked gazes with me. “Hyungwon, I wanted to say something.”

The others fell silent in an instant and I saw Minhyuk's frown as he stared at the oldest in confusion. I swallowed and ducked my head a little. “Yeah?”

“You know, we've been talking about you for a while yesterday, after you and Minhyuk had left.” My fingers got cold and I could barely feel the warmth emitting from the hot bowl they were curled around. Shownu put his food down with a serious expression. “I wanted to apologize.”

Minhyuk cocked his head to the side while Wonho lowered his head, only looking at the curly noodles, and I furrowed my brows. “Apologize? What for?” What was he talking about?

“There were some things done to you without my permission”, he started, shooting Wonho a short glare before returning his gaze to me, “and you endured a lot, so I wanted to apologize on his behalf since he doesn't seem to have enough courage to do it himself.”

 _Oh,_ I thought, licking my lips in uncertainty, _that panic attack_. Wonho let out a hiss. “It's not a question of courage, I just don't think I did anything wrong. Look at him, he's finally behaving a little more casual around us, do you really think he would've-”

“We were done with that topic, weren't we?”, Shownu interrupted and Wonho clenched his teeth for a brief moment.

“That was before I saw him again today. He's doing just fine, I don't have to feel sorry anymore, why should I?”

I felt the tension in the air rise and put my bowl down with a clattering sound to have them look at me. He had been sorry? “Thank you for the apology.” I took a deep breath and glanced at them one after the other until my eyes stopped on Wonho. “But he's right. I'm... I'm okay. I don't know what to think of him, hell, I don't even know a thing about him other than the fact that he's a douche, but, you know, there's not much you know about me either, so it's fine, right? I can't keep being afraid of everyone and everything.” I ran my teeth over my bottom lip and swallowed while Shownu leaned back on his chair and Wonho grinned a little.

“I actually hoped for you to say that. Your mental state seems to be getting better the longer you're here with us”, the leader sighed, beginning to smile as well. “Then I guess you'll be fine with being a member of Monsta X as well, won't you?” My eyes widened when he said those words, a weird feeling popping up in my chest. “You're free to join, we agreed on that. Sure, there won't be a change in anything, but I wanted to make the offer official at least. What do you say?”

I looked at Minhyuk who started smiling brightly, bouncing up and down on his chair with happiness. Jooheon rolled his eyes but didn't object and I licked my lips in shock. Was that why they had been so much more casual around me? They actually wanted me to join? I would no longer just be tolerated but accepted by them as well? I would have people I might be able to rely on in the future!

I averted my eyes. _Why would you ever rely on them? They might be just like the rest._ But it would still be better than being the eternal outsider, wouldn't it? “You...don't know a lot about me. Are you sure you thought this through? I could be dangerous”, I asked carefully, but Shownu could only laugh.

“You think I knew anything about Wonho when I let him stay? About Kihyun and Changkyun? We'll get to know each other, it will be fine. Plus, you went through a lot and I think I can trust you by now. You even went with Minhyuk, what is there to be wary about? So, is that a yes?”

_Bad decision_ , my mind whispered, but I pushed it back. He sounded so sincere, how could I say no? I couldn't keep being scared of all the stupid 'what if's. Maybe I could make good use of all this.

_They say that a scared life is none? Remember what the instructor taught you? 'The more you fear us, the easier life will be for you pathetic little shits.' Choose wisely,_ my mind made one last attempt at stopping me, but I didn't care anymore.

Two different opinions. Two different sides to stay on. Two kinds of environments. One opposite to the other. And at that very moment, I knew I had chosen my side. So what if I died, what was there to lose anyway?

Here I was.

And here I wanted to stay.

“Yes.”

 


	11. Pain is Memory's best friend

Monday arrived so quickly. Shownu hadn't been entirely right: Yes, true, my environment didn't change the slightest, but _I_ felt so different. I felt good and it wasn't due to the fact that my chest was healing more and more by the day, no. It was as though I had made the right choice for the first time in forever. As though everything would work out somehow and that's what made me feel lighter.

I sat between Changkyun and Minhyuk and watched Jooheon add the sugar they mentioned the other day to the liquified flowers. He glanced at me before carefully lifting the bowl with one hand while the other grabbed a flower he had tucked behind his ear and he wagged it above the liquid as if to perform some kind of magic trick. “What are you doing? Hurry up a little”, Kihyun pouted, but Jooheon couldn't have cared less as he took his time to dip the flower into the bowl and sprinkled it all over the members a moment later, having the majority hiss in disgust.

“Tonight we're accepting a new member into our rows”, he stated with his rough voice echoing from the tent's thin walls. Minhyuk rolled with his eyes and the others could only huff at his pomposity but had to smile nonetheless. Jooheon stared at me from across the campfire, its little flames painting his face an orange color. “He should be the first to drink tonight.”

“Fine, let him, just hurry up so that-”

“Hyungwon”, Kihyun's nagging was cut off by Shownu who exchanged an amused glance with Jooheon and I directed my attention towards the oldest. “Quickly repeat after me so that Jooheon will be satisfied and shut up.” I nodded with a slight frown and looked at Minhyuk for a short moment who just smiled with a shrug. “I, Chae Hyungwon, do solemnly swear-”

“I, Chae Hyungwon, do solemnly swear-”

“-to keep the Clan a secret-”

I swallowed and licked my lips while my heartbeat sped up. “-to keep the Clan a secret-”

“-and to protect Monsta X from whatever comes next.”

I felt my chest tighten with every word, but I kept going. I hated oaths, especially when I couldn't be sure that I'd manage to keep them. “-and to protect Monsta X from whatever comes next.”

Shownu raised his brow at Jooheon who just nodded in satisfaction. He gave the bowl to Wonho who then passed it on to Minhyuk whose smile lost a bit of its cheerfulness as he looked at his reflection in the liquid. The white-haired then looked at me with an expression that showed some kind of conflict. “I'm glad you're here, but I don't really know if it's good to boost your addiction.”

I sighed and took the metal bowl from his hands that were cold and colorless. “You know my answer: I'll be fine somehow. Always am.”

It was the first time I wasn't completely scared of what would happen or what I'd say once I was high; I was beginning to realize that the rules I had lived by until then weren't necessary. I had faced a Chinese spy head on and I pulled it off without making a mistake. Whatever came after me, I'd outrun it. I, Chae Hyungwon, was a renegade.

Yi-en had said that he had too much to lose. Now, _I_ could say that it didn't matter what I lost. I would get up and keep walking. There was no other way to leave the past behind. Minhyuk had said Changkyun was a hit and run type of guy in terms of theft. I could do that as well. I didn't have to fight or even face them until the very end if I could just let my enemies chase the sun until they gave up instead. They'd never get me. Hadn't done so in forever. I would make it. I, Chae Hyungwon, was free to do whatever I wanted.

I looked at my six new gang mates who were giving me encouraging smiles. I, Chae Hyungwon, was an official member of Monsta X.

_I do solemnly swear to keep the Clan a secret and to protect Monsta X from whatever comes next._

That's all I could think when I drank the liquid that set my veins ablaze and my memories stopped existing for the time being.

 

________________

 

He looked so happy, for Hyungwon's standards I mean. He never was a cheerful guy, never showed much emotion, but at that moment, when I watched him repeat Shownu's words (which were completely random by the way) his eyes sparkled a little and it wasn't due to the fire to our feet. He sure was scared, but he was also happy, the corner of his mouth jerking upwards every now and then and I couldn't help smiling along.

My cheerfulness wavered a little when I held the bowl in my own hands. He was only here with us because he was addicted. Maybe that was the only reason why he actually stayed. _Don't be like that, he could also have stayed with BTS, he chose this for himself. He feels good here, he has to, don't you see how he's getting better?_ I raised my head to lock gazes with him and felt my blood run cold at the sight of his almost pitch black eyes. It looked stunning, so I tried for a brighter smile when I let him take the bowl with a pensive comment of mine.

He could only sigh, telling me how he'd be fine, and I watched him drink, watched his pupils dilate and his body relax. The bowl made its round, but I barely paid any attention to it, staring at Hyungwon's profile until he turned to look at me. “You're still worried about me.”

I shrugged, my hands freezing cold, which is why I tucked them into my hoodie's pocket. “I can't look away it seems.”

He nodded calmly, pulling his knees to his chest and resting his chin on top. “I know that all too well.” A moment of silence passed and I let out a small yawn because I hadn't slept well that night. “Thank you for worrying. I... I'm not used to that anymore.”

He turned his head to lean on my shoulder, just a little, and I swallowed. Drugged Hyungwon was back again. “What about your parents? Didn't they worry when you went to the army?”, I whispered so that only he would hear and I felt his body tense up.

“They didn't. It's as simple as that. Only my... my friend did.”

“Which friend?” He had at least had two after all. His teeth were clenched and he nuzzled into my neck like a child that wants to hide from the world, not answering my question. I sighed and leaned my head on his as well. “It's fine. It's the past after all. You have us to worry about you now, so you'd better take care of yourself in the future, okay?”

He slung his arms around mine with a slight nod. “I promise to protect you all as good as I can.”

“Protect yourself first”, I interrupted him with a soothing smile though he couldn't see it. “You're Monsta X as well. We're incomplete if just one of us goes missing.”

Hyungwon pulled one of my hands out of the pocket and inspected each finger individually as if it was the most interesting thing on earth. He then wrapped his own hand around my thumb. “What if one disappears?”

“Simple question.” I used my other hand to uncurl his fingers and make the thumb visible again. “We'll search until we find them.” He watched our hands in awe like a child staring at its presents under the Christmas tree and I smiled calmly. It was so pleasant to tell him all these little things when his reactions were always either amazed or happy. “We're all brothers now. Nobody gets left behind, Hyungwon.”

“It's Chae”, he mumbled indignantly, threading his fingers through mine. “Chae Hyungwon.”

“I know, but isn't that a bit too long?”, I replied, causing him to pout and a huff escaped my lips. “Okay, then I'll go with Chae only, how's that?” He was back to smiling in a matter of seconds, nodding his head and squeezing my hand when suddenly his eyes landed on something behind me and I could guess the person he saw all too well.

“Wonho?”, I asked and he nodded again, pulling me towards him so that he could hide behind my back as the blond approached us.

“Hey, darling”, he started, flashing me a smile and I rolled with my eyes when he leaned on my pulled-up knee. “You look especially happy and, might I say, stunning today.”

I turned my head to glance at Hyungwon who was clawing at the back of my thick sweater, peeking over my shoulder to glare at Wonho. “He finally knows that we want him here”, I whispered with a serene smile playing around my lips. “I certainly am happy.”

Wonho made moves to come closer but, much to my surprise, Hyungwon interfered by keeping him away from me at arm's length. “I still don't trust you”, he mumbled and I licked my lips.

“Hyungwon, he's all play and games, he would never-”

“He always goes for you”, he whined, clasping my arm with one hand while the other was still pushing Wonho away. “He attacked me as well. And then suddenly he's exposing himself to ridicule like he doesn't care, how am I supposed to know which side features his true colors?”

The blond smirked, but I could tell he was a little sad about it. “Whenever I _attacked_ any of you it was to make sure Minhyuk would be fine, I told you before, didn't I?” He lay his fingers around Hyungwon's wrist to have him pull away. “I just needed evidence that-”

“Well, Minhyuk has _me_ now, you're not needed anymore.” My head snapped towards him with wide eyes, but he didn't even care as he was busy glaring at Wonho. “You weren't there when Exo tried to beat him up. Some friend you are, Wonder Woman.”

“You think I didn't notice the bruises? Hell, of course I did, but I could tell that you did as well. You needed that trip with him to find out what you wanted for yourself and don't say you didn't because I have never seen you as relaxed as during the past four days.”

“Oh, so you let him suffer and waited for me to do something? That's not much better, you know?”, the dark-haired whispered and I felt the tension between the two of them rise, shifting to sit in between them.

“That's enough.” Hyungwon looked at me in shock, grabbing my hand with both of his in a hurry.

“Lee, I didn't mean to upset-”

I cut him off with a simple gesture. “Wonho is just right the way he is and so are you. I was fine before you came to us and you don't need to defend me against him now, I can do that myself, thank you”, I stated firmly and glanced at Wonho to my left. “Thanks for your consideration and thanks for wanting to protect me from others, but with the five, no, the _six_ of you around there's no need to fight amongst each other. We're all good guys. But on the other hand you could go pester Changkyun, I guess.” The blond's eyes darted around between Hyungwon and me for a few long seconds before he got the hint, bowed his head and turned away to move towards the orphans. I loved how he'd always listen to me and respect my decisions.

It was only seconds later that I had two arms slung around my shoulders and short dark hair tickled my cheek. “Don't be mad at me, but he's so two-faced, I didn't know what to do. I was so scared”, Hyungwon mumbled against my clothes and I caressed his nape in a soothing manner. _Talk about being two-faced._

“I'm not mad, it's okay. But I know him better than you do and you can trust me when I say that he's only doing what's best for everybody. He's not the selfish type of guy, but he has built a high wall around himself for the past years to make everyone think he is.”

“Yah, Minhyuk!”, Changkyun shouted through the tent though it wasn't necessary at all and I turned to look at him with Hyungwon still hugging me. Wonho was splayed out on his lap like a cat, stretching his limbs while the youngest tried to push him away without success. “You definitely told him to annoy me just now, didn't you?”

I huffed, unable to suppress my smirk. “I'd never do that, like, what makes you think this?”

“Your husband only listens to you, so it has to be your fault”, Changkyun muttered, giving up on getting rid of the second-oldest who gave him a bright smile.

“That's because I love my wife so much. And you're our child, so show some respect.”

Kihyun inhaled sharply and grabbed the nestling's arm. “I won't give our son to your wife, we raised him together! Get off my lawn.”

Shownu glanced at the brown-greenish ground we were sitting on and raised his hand. “Well, actually that's my lawn, you should stick with the facts.” Kihyun huffed at the leader's lack of metaphorical understanding, flicking Wonho's forehead who then flinched in pain, holding his head.

I chuckled at the sight, feeling the blood return to my hands as my body warmed up a little. Nobody knew how we got along, but it somehow worked, I couldn't complain. The arms around my shoulders tightened and I returned my attention towards Hyungwon who was shaking a little. “Chae, are you okay?”, I whispered, trying to push him away, but he only pressed his face into my shoulder with more force. “What's wro-”

“Okay, we really need to define our family tree!”, Jooheon shouted, still wagging the one flower he had spared before around. “Shownu is the grandpa!”

“Now, I don't think I should be that old”, the one in question retorted and I raised an eyebrow, imitating his voice in one swift statement:

“Well, actually that's my lawn.” Jooheon laughed out loud, shouting how this was a perfect imitation and I grinned at our leader. “Welcome to the family, grandpa.”

“Okay, I think we agree that Minhyuk and Wonho are mother and father.”

“Divorced, please”, I noted and everybody nodded in unison while Wonho could only pout.

“Then what am I?”, Kihyun asked with a frown. “Changkyun is my child.”

“No way, he's mine”, Wonho interrupted. “Not only am I forced to get a divorce, Kihyun also wants to steal my son, can you believe that?”

Jooheon grinned and pointed his flower at Kihyun. “He could be the stepmother. That way, Wonho and Kihyun can be Changkyun's parents!”

“That sums it up so well!”, Changkyun uttered in surprise. “But he's the evil stepmother, like in Cinderella or- urgh-” He had to stop when Kihyun carelessly punched his stomach and hissed a disgusted 'Cinderella, my ass'. “See?”

I nodded with a pitying expression, glancing at Jooheon. “You're Shownu's son, so you must be my brother, but what is Hyungwon?”

Our newest member hadn't moved during the whole debate, but his fingers began digging into my shoulder blades due to him holding on so tightly. Everybody quieted down and since Hyungwon didn't even look up, we exchanged a few helpless glances when suddenly Kihyun spoke up. “I adopted him.” Hyungwon tensed up but nobody else seemed to notice and Kihyun just shrugged. “I knew him by chance before most of you did, I'm granted sole custody. And I came to like that little brat, so why not?”

I smiled and patted Hyungwon's back. “You okay with that?” His hot shaking breaths came in contact with my neck but he nodded. He looked like he was in pain.

“Then it's decided!”, Jooheon shouted cheerfully, oblivious to our new member's state. “From this day on we'll be a patchwork family containing grandpa Shownu, mother Minhyuk, father Wonho, stepmother Kihyun and the three children Jooheon, Hyungwon and Changkyun! I like that!” Wonho applauded quietly and we all nodded at each other when I was alarmed by Hyungwon who wouldn't stop shaking.

“Hy- Chae, what's up? Look at me.” He shook his head and I huffed, forcing him to back away a little and seeing how he had clenched his teeth. I then reached out to push his fringe out of his face and saw tiny droplets at the corners of his eyes. He was holding back tears. “Are you hurt? Is it your chest? Is there something wrong?”, I asked, slowly starting to panic, but he just shook his head and I saw Kihyun scurry over, using his functioning leg to push himself forward.

“Hey, Hyungwon”, he mumbled and, after exchanging a short glance with me, put a hand on his newly adopted child's upper arm. “If you're not comfortable with all this it's okay, you know? I just thought we get along really well and-”

“Thank you.” Kihyun and I both looked at him in surprise when he sniffled and searched the former's gaze. “F-for including me just like that, it's... It's new to me. Even adopted children have so many d-difficulties with finding their pl-place.”

Kihyun's expression changed into a sympathetic one as though he knew exactly what was going on. “Must be tough being the newbie everywhere, huh?” Hyungwon nodded, pressing his lips together. “Don't ever worry about that again. You've got us. We've got you. There's no need to cry anymore. Sharing blood or not, we're all brothers.” Hyungwon nodded again and I observed him for a moment as he rubbed his sleeve across his eyes in a hurry, seeing how he was uncomfortable with showing weakness in front of everybody.

“Chae, should we”, I started carefully, exchanging another thankful glance with Kihyun, “should we go tuck you in?”

He swallowed and looked at all the people surrounding us before pulling his hood deep into his face, hiding his tears yet again. “Yes, please.”

 

“Should I leave?”, I asked after Hyungwon had made himself comfortable under the blanket and much to my surprise he shook his head a little.

“Could you stay? Just a little longer?”

I swallowed but nodded nonetheless and sat down at the edge of his bed, his hands immediately reaching out to play with those fingers of mine in concentration. “Is there something you want to ask or say?” He took his time, stroking my hand while occasionally comparing his fingers' lengths with mine, and I could see him press his lips together like before. “You don't need to hide anything from me, you know that?” He nodded. “Then tell me what you're thinking about. I can tell that something's keeping you busy.”

Again he remained silent but tugged on my sleeve several times. I leaned down, thinking that he might want to speak quietly, just to have his iron grip pull me down to lie next to him moments later and I let out a sound of surprise. “Don't sit there like that, it looks uncomfortable. Your neck will hurt.” A moment of shock passed before I decided to obey and relaxed with as much space between us as possible.

“Satisfied?”, I asked with a calm smile.

“Yeah.” Hyungwon clenched his teeth a few times while he thought about something before looking at me again. “Is it really okay for me to be here? Here, in a gang with all of you.”

“What are you talking about?”, I muttered with a flick to his forehead. “You just got formally accepted by everybody. You're part of our family now. Literally.”

His eyes remained guarded, but I could tell by the way he distorted his mouth that he was kind of sad. “Sharing blood or not.” His lip quivered and he clenched it between his teeth in a hurry. “It's been a long time since I could call someone my brother.” I nodded, my cheek sinking further into the soft pillow. “I didn't think I would ever do it again.”

“Is that why you were shaking back there?”

“I just don't deserve brothers. I'm not good for them.” His eyes were shaking and I started to panic when I saw how they filled with tears.

“You won't be bad for them”, I assured quickly, firmly grabbing his hand. “You're not the monster you believe yourself to be.”

“You don't know-”

“Right, I don't know what you've done in the past, but I know that you would never dare to hurt any innocent people the way you are now. If you would though, look at me and tell me that I'm wrong. At least be honest with yourself.”

We locked gazes and he opened his mouth but nothing came out at first and he just squeezed my hand while letting his free hand's fingertips ghost over my cheek. “You're so serious, I actually want to believe you.” He shifted a little as if to come closer but then changed his mind and pressed himself against the wall behind him instead, untangling our fingers. “But this is too much.”

I frowned and reached out for him but he shook his head, causing me to halt. “What is?”

“You're doing so much for me, it's not good”, he mumbled as he kept shaking his head and rubbed his eyes dry with his sleeve, “You shouldn't invest that much time in me and I shouldn't start relying on you either.”

“Why not?” I licked my lips, confused by his sudden change of behavior. “Why all of a sudden?”

“I don't need another person like him.”

“Who? Chae, if you would just stop talking in riddles I might understand what you mean. What's the problem?”

“I won't talk about Sangwon with you.”

He clawed at the blanket and my frown deepened. _Sangwon?_ Hyungwon had his guard down again, but he looked like it was driving him insane, so I just grabbed his hand once more. “Then don't. It's alright.”

“Your hands are cold.” He stopped to throw the blanket over me and it was only then that I noticed how I was trembling. I wasn't feeling cold though, it had to be the lack of Delphinium in my blood. There would be severe problems coming up if I didn't have any soon. I decided to keep the name of Sangwon in mind and ask him when he had sobered up again. I put my free hand on his head, stroking the dark hair a little.

“I'm sorry for asking so many questions. Just...relax and try to sleep, yeah? I'll leave then.”

I got ready to stand up but Hyungwon didn't let go of my hand and grabbed my shirt to keep me down. “I'm sorry for being like this!”, he blurted out and came a little closer, eyes closed. “I'll sleep. I'll sleep right now, but you have to stay here and make sure I don't do anything stupid.”

“You said you didn't want to rely on me just now, isn't this a stupid idea then?”  
“Yes! No... I mean...It's...” He was visibly struggling with his words until he sighed helplessly. “I-I don't want to dream alone. Maybe it's more b-bearable when someone's here. It worked before; with Y- um... Never mind, just stay, please. I want you to.”

The troubled look he was giving me was heart-breaking, I was at a loss for words. He was so desperate and so confused he didn't even know what he needed – not to speak of what he _wanted_ for himself. “You still have those nightmares?”

He nodded, shuffling closer again so that our faces were now ten centimeters apart. “I don't know what to do anymore.” Hyungwon would never even have let me lie down on the bed in the first place, but this guy right here wanted to help. This was Chae, so similar and yet entirely different from Hyungwon. Chae wanted to help the person he was when he was sober by facing his fears for him. He tried to be brave so that Hyungwon would come to his senses one day. So that he'd get better. Hyungwon needed Chae like he needed Delphinium. “I need help, Lee.”

Who was I to deny him my help? I thought about it for a few more moments and sighed, soothingly stroking the back of his hand with my thumb. “If only you were this honest with yourself when you're not high”, I mumbled so that he wouldn't hear me before directing my words at him again. “Close your eyes, Chae. I'll be right here. I'll always be right here.”

“Are you serious?” I nodded with a smile and he did as I said, burying himself under the blanket while his fingers kept clutching at mine. I observed him for a long time and eventually his breathing became more deep and steady, signalizing me that he was asleep.

I wanted to remove my hand and go back into the garden when a weak squeeze brought my attention back to him. “Always right here”, Hyungwon mumbled with a calm smile on his lips and I couldn't help relaxing at the peaceful scene. He deserved a moment of calmness. I wouldn't leave him and risk that he'd wake up now, I couldn't. So I stayed and observed his expression in the darkness of the room until I felt my own eyelids become heavy. My hands were still cold. I was still trembling. But I didn't care because Hyungwon was lying there, sleeping soundly for once and I couldn't bring myself to leave him on his own. It was a weird feeling. The only feeling of warmth I felt in my body at that time.

That day, I didn't have any drugs. My body wasn't ready for it. And I had to face the consequences soon enough.

 

________________

 

I would always be relaxed when I woke up on Tuesdays because I would still feel the last bit of drugs run through my body and it would help me relax but that day, it was a little different. I wasn't just relaxed, I was completely at ease, my mind didn't even bother wondering what I might have done the evening before. I couldn't have cared less since I felt so light.

Until I opened my eyes that is.

A yawn escaped my lips and I stretched my limbs when suddenly, my hand grazed something soft and I frowned, forcing my eyes open. _What is this?_ At first, I could only make out a pile of dark clothes, causing me to reach out to find out whose they were since they definitely weren't mine. It was only then that I realized that they weren't just clothes but a person buried in them as well. I flinched, hovering my left hand over the hood that was covering the person's head while noticing that my right one was holding on to the cold hand belonging to them.

I started to shake, suddenly wishing that I could remember what had happened the evening before. _Why the fuck am I sleeping next to some random pers-_ My own thoughts ripped off when I tugged at the hood to reveal a few strands of white hair.

Minhyuk, no doubt. “Shit, what.” I hastily pressed myself against the wall, untangling my fingers from his while trying to process the situation. I had been sleeping next to Minhyuk, even held his hand, and nobody seemed to care to stop me.

Whatever I had done, it must have been bad for me. Bad for my relationship with the others. Well, it certainly _didn't_ look _good_. _Calm down, try not to panic, Hyungwon_ , I reminded myself with a swallow, carefully climbing out of bed and I glanced back at Minhyuk once more who had pulled his now free hand to his chest with a pout. Wanting to leave the room, I tiptoed to the door just to make the wooden planks squeak beneath my feet and a quiet groan could be heard from Minhyuk, signalizing that he was about to wake up.

I ran into the bathroom and closed the door in a hurry to lean against the hard material. “Shit, what the hell is going on?”, I breathed with wide eyes, grabbing a handful of my hair and trying to remember anything that might have happened, but there was nothing but a big black hole in that brain of mine.

A soft knock could be heard and I spun around with so much force I hit the nearby cupboard with my hand.

“Whoever is in there, mind getting out? I need to get ready for work.” Shownu. I took a deep breath and grabbed the doorknob with trembling fingers. Shownu looked at me in surprise. “You're up early, thought you might be Minhyuk”, he stated with his brows raised only to smile at me a moment later. “I won't take long, go make yourself coffee or something like that.” I nodded quickly, not trusting my voice as I pushed past him and practically jumped down the stairs. He wasn't behaving any different from what I was used to, then what the fuck had happened? Hadn't he noticed that Minhyuk wasn't in his own room?

Once I walked into the kitchen hoping for Minhyuk to have fallen asleep again I almost bumped into a well built body. “Oh look, it's my foster-son”, he stated and I needed a moment to collect my thoughts as I distanced myself from Wonho.

“F-foster-son?”, I stuttered, unable to keep up an indifferent expression and the blond just grinned while grabbing his coffee mug. “We created our personal family tree yesterday, you don't remember a thing, right?” I shook my head with a swallow. “Well, basically you're Kihyun's adopted child and that makes me your foster-father to sum things up. Guess I won't be able to flirt as much since you're my kid now.” He shrugged with one of his cheeky smiles but I couldn't follow.

“Adopted? Wait, I-” I swallowed, my lips trembling as I was looking for the right words. _Welcome to the family, Hyungwon!_ I shook my head but the voice wouldn't go away. _Sangwon will be your little-_ “What about Minhyuk?”, I asked, trying to ignore the memories that were flooding my brain by concentrating on my current dilemma. I had to remember what had happened.

Wonho scratched the back of his neck with a pensive gaze directed at his coffee mug. “As far as I can remember he's Monsta X' mother and my ex-wife. He got a divorce, which is completely impossible since nobody would ever want to get a divorce if they were married to me-”

“Don't start on that”, I interrupted, forcing myself to take a few controlled breaths as I leaned against the wall next to the door. Minhyuk was the mother? Twisted and weird, but okay. That couldn't be a reason for him to sleep next to me, so there had to be something else.

“Good morning Wonho!”, a well-known voice could be heard from the corridor and I tensed up, not ready to face Minhyuk yet. I still hadn't found out about a thing.

Wonho gave the white-haired a curt nod in response, scanned him from head to toe before walking towards the door, stopping right next to me and I suppressed a flinch. “There will be a flower in your bag in case something happens. Don't show it around though.”

“Huh?”

Before I could ask him why the hell I'd need a flower he was already past the door and put on his shoes while chatting with Minhyuk and I didn't know what to do anymore. I couldn't retreat into another room, I was trapped and would have to talk to Minhyuk who turned towards the kitchen at that very moment. “Oh, there you are, Hyungwon”, his soft voice sounded and I swallowed when his eyes met mine. “Did you sleep well?”

I clenched and unclenched my hand to hide the fact that it was trembling, licking my lips before I asked him a question instead of answering his. “Why were you in my bed?”

Minhyuk's mouth opened and closed several times until a hint of understanding sparked in his eyes and his eyes widened in shock. “Oh, you got it wrong, I guess. You didn't do a thing. Ah, and me neither. We- no, you were afraid of your nightmares, so you asked me to stay, you know? Thinking it might help keeping them away, so I thought why not.”

I blinked a few times at his frantic behavior, Minhyuk normally was a very composed guy, this was unusual. It was only then that I got what he said, staring at him with an expression of wonder. “I-I asked you to?” He nodded and wanted to take a step closer but decided otherwise and turned to grab himself a glass of water. _Why would I ask him something like that? The last time something like that had happened was with-_

A certain person's calming smile flashed in front of my mind's eye, causing me to freeze for a moment. _“I'll stay with you and fight all the nightmares off, don't worry. I'm here for you.”_ I cleared my throat but the weird feeling wouldn't go away. Had I tried to revive this? _“Nightmares are less likely to occur when you sleep next to someone else, it's true. Sangwon wouldn't want you to be scared.”_

 _Oh, please, no._ “Did I... mention anything interesting yesterday?”

Minhyuk stopped for a moment but was quick to wipe any sign of surprise off his face. “You were a little weird, but you always are”, he replied evasively, glancing at me. “Did it help? That I stayed tonight?”

I averted my gaze and looked around the room instead. “Why would you want to know?”

“So that I know it wasn't in vain.”

“What was?” He rolled back his shoulders and his jaw tensed, which was very unusual, and I settled with letting it go and just carefully answered his question. “I did sleep well.” He relaxed in the blink of an eye and let out a sigh.

“Good. Very good.” I had to know what I had said to him. I had to fucking remember.

“But why did you do it when I asked you?”

Minhyuk cocked his head to the side and blinked at me. “Why? Because you needed me. There are some things in this world you can't do on your own and I'll be there to help you at those times. Is that such a bad thing?”

I couldn't bring myself to reply, ignoring the feeling of déjà vu building up in the pit of my stomach. I could only hope that I hadn't talked about Yi-en, I didn't know if I was ready for that. “But I do have a question: who is Sangwon?”

_Okay, this is worse._ I felt my heart become heavier and heavier, threatening to fall to the ground and shatter into a million pieces. Oh wait, that had already happened not too long ago. I clenched my teeth. “Where'd you get that name from?”

“You said you didn't want to talk about him, that's all.” He eyed me with curiosity as I pressed my lips together and spun around, grabbing my shoes to put them on. “Wait, Hyungwon, where are you going?”

“Work.” It was two hours too early to leave for work, but I would even work overtime if it helped me get away from a discussion about Sangwon.

“You're running away.”

“So what if I am?”, I shot back with a hiss, tightening my shoelaces once more and throwing on my thick jacket as I grabbed my bag and ripped the door open. “I still don't want to talk about him.”

 

________________

 

I had woken up at the sound of something squeaking, but couldn't bring myself to stand up until five minutes later, realizing that Hyungwon wasn't sleeping next to me anymore. My mind automatically started working at full blast, worrying about what he might have thought when he found me lying next to him, so I gathered all of my energy to go downstairs, finding Hyungwon in the kitchen. I could tell he was nervous, but the fact that he had slept well had me calm down for a moment. I didn't know why, but my reactions were completely exaggerated and Hyungwon seemed to notice as well.

Then, his behavior did a complete turn at the mention of the name of Sangwon. I couldn't even react in any way before he was gone and quickly put my emptied glass aside to grab my shoes and follow him. I was panting by the time I reached him, wondering how he managed to walk this fast. “Hyungwon, wait-”

“Don't talk.”

“Then you talk!”, I demanded, reaching for his wrist but he yanked it away. “Tell me who he is!”

“I can't tell you and that's the point. Look, how trustworthy can I be if I can't even tell anyone who he is or what happened?”

“I didn't _need_ to know about anything, you said that yourself, so it doesn't count for the trust question”, I retorted sternly, grabbing his hand again without giving him a chance of ripping it out of my grasp. It was burning up or was my hand just cold? I couldn't tell. “But if you need _someone_ to know: I'm right here. You _can_ tell me, how often do I need to promise you that it'll be fine?”

His eyes were glued to our hands before he glanced around with a few quick breaths before pulling me into a side alley while taking a few deep breaths. I'd almost given up since he didn't say a thing when he spun me around in one swift movement. I found myself being backed up against a wall, a slender hand around my throat while his other was still in my grasp. I had seen this before, it was almost what Hyungwon had done to Lay the other day, and I didn't even try to move, knowing that struggling was useless. I just opened my eyes to find a completely blank-faced Hyungwon in front of me and tried to keep calm. “Are you done playing? Who is Sangwon?”

“He won't come back, what good would telling you do?”, he growled only about ten centimeters away from my face instead of simply answering, but I remained unmoved. I had caused him to snap again, so there was no reason for me to treat him with kid gloves anymore. There were only two options: One, Sangwon was his recent crush, or two, he was that friend he had a long time ago, the one I reminded him of.

“What is it you want to prove right now? What's this got to do with one person you don't want to talk about? You think I'd be scared when actually you're the one who's afraid of everything unexpected? Ridiculous. You're a member of Monsta X and you can trust us. Now let go and tell me about it, simply because I _want_ to know. Please, Hyungwon, this isn't you.” I tightened my grasp on his hand and I didn't know if it was real or just my imagination that he actually squeezed back for a second.

“You know nothing about me or who I am.”

“That's right. Enlighten me. Why you want to scare everybody off just to protect a name? Why do you want to be a loner?”

“I don't _want_ to scare you. I _have_ to and that's the real problem _._ ” It was only then that he averted his eyes, closing them for a moment and we stayed where we were until his hand slid away from my throat. “If I'm alone I'll be the only one who can be blamed for what I do wrong.”

I took several controlled breaths, still not letting go of his hand when he broke away from the wall. “You know you can tell me about him. Just do it.” Hyungwon let out a hiss and quickly tried to free his hand from mine without success, so he just settled with quickly walking forward, dragging me along. “Hyungwon-”

“Sangwon's and my past is none of your busine-”

“Then _make_ it my business, you goddamn idiot!”, I shouted with a light punch to his chest and he winced since it could barely be all healed in half a week. “Who is Sangwon? Why is it so hard for you to even say his name? I can't help you if-”

“Because he's fucking _dead_ , Minhyuk! He's dead and it's my fault!” Hyungwon held onto his side with a clouded gaze and I bit down on my tongue in surprise, the taste of blood filling my mouth within seconds. Dead? _So it's option number two._ I remembered our way back home from Exo's house, remembered the fact that the one I reminded him of had died more than three years ago. He had also said that he hadn't made a mistake in more than three years. Coincidence? I didn't think so.

“I'm not just an idiot but a liar as well. At least that's what my parents would say”, he whispered, having me draw a deep breath, but he continued on his own. “If they were here, they'd say that I lied about being an only child.” My brain began to hurt, connecting the names of Sangwon and Hyungwon, my eyes widening more with every moment that passed when realization finally dawned to me and my friend licked his lips. How could I not have thought of this earlier, it was so obvious!

“He was your-”

“Damn right, Sangwon was my brother. Well, at least before the law.”

 

________________

 

“ _Look, Sangwon, I brought someone home with me!”, the nice man shouted, his gigantic hand wrapping around mine as he gave me an encouraging smile and I did my best to return it. I was only four years old, didn't even fully grasp what was going on other than the fact that I'd get to see this man more often from now on._

“ _Someone? Who?”, a thin and curious voice sounded from the big room ahead, which I assumed to be the living room. Quiet steps were heard until a little boy came in sight, his pouty red lips parted a little as he couldn't breathe through his nose due to having caught a cold. It was cute, he was maybe three years old, and stopped in surprise when he spotted me._

“ _This is Hyungwon, your big brother as of today. He'll take care of you and protect you when we're not there.”_

_The boy called Sangwon cocked his head to the side and blinked several times before he frowned. “Hyung?” Thinking back at it, that name was ridiculous, no matter which meaning you gave it. It was so fitting and yet so unfair. But who thinks about his name's meaning when he can finally call a family his own? He'd accept anything. And I was still only four years old, so I nodded with a careful smile. I was Hyungwon._

“ _Why don't you go and get to know each other a little? I need to talk to mom”, the man suggested and I stared at him with big eyes when he let go of my hand, feeling utterly lost all of a sudden._

_The other boy grabbed it only a moment later and smiled back at me. “I'm Seo Sangwon.” He smiled like he always would. He smiled like it was the most natural thing on earth. And he smiled like nothing could ever make his mood drop._

_I swallowed my final insecurities. “Then I must be Seo Hyungwon from now on.”_

_But I would never_ really _be Seo Hyungwon._

 

_Seo_ , I thought, suppressing a disgusted hiss when I took out my keys to unlock the store. I only remembered how I got to know Sangwon after he had died and our parents, no,  _his_ parents reminded me of it. He had never been my brother, but I had always wished for him to be.

“Why didn't you tell me you had a brother?”, Minhyuk's quiet voice whispered behind me and the slight crack in it had me stop and glance back. His jaw was trembling, causing the teeth to clatter as he took a deep breath. “Why did you lie?”

“Biologically speaking, I didn't lie”, I insisted, not knowing why he seemed to be so hurt by that little detail I had left out. “I was adopted when I was four, almost five.”

“Is blood of any importance when you've spent so much time together? Why does it feel like you deny that he's your brother?”

“I tell you that my brother is dead and all you care about is that I don't talk of him like one?” I exhaled in distress, pushing the doors open and he followed me without wasting a second.

“I thought since it's so hard for you to talk about him I'd start with an easy question, but hey, there doesn't really seem to be an easy question to start with.”

“Why would I tell you about him anyway?”, I continued, feeling my defensive mechanisms activate.

“Because you started on it already, I've got some facts: He's dead. He's probably the one who died more than three years ago. He's the one you said I remind you of. And he's your damn brother.”

“He _was_.”

“Then go ahead and explain how he died. I'll listen.” My lips dried up when Minhyuk grabbed my face with both his hands to make me look at him. They were cold and trembling a little, it gave me goosebumps. Not to mention the fact that he was standing way too close yet again. “I know you don't have much to do for the time being, why not spend it by explaining a few things?”

“Are you cold?”

He narrowed his eyes, confused at my question. “Don't try to change the topic.”

“I wasn't-” He shot me a glare and I shut up, unable to take the close proximity anymore and fleeing further into the store. It was as though I could still feel his cold hands on me. “Whatever.”

“He died because you messed up.” Not only the sudden distance of his voice but also his words made my chest tighten. _Stop! Please, don't! Let the little one go he's done nothing, take me instead!_ “He died because of something you did.” _I won't ever do it again!_ My body started shaking and I didn't dare to look back at him. “What was it? What did you do wrong?”

“Did you come along to torture me or what's your intention?”

“I came along to help you.”

I suppressed the urge to scream, digging my nails into the palms of my hands instead. “We were on a mission.” Silence. He was waiting for me to continue and I let my gaze wander across the shelves of different foods where almost everything consisted of Chinese characters. “We were supposed to deal with someone, but I made a stupid mistake that caused them to get away. They knew it was my fault, they fucking knew.” I clenched my teeth and turned around to look at Minhyuk who stood there motionlessly, observing my every move. “They knew it would hurt me the most to see him suffer, so they left me alone and made me watch instead. They weren't planning on letting him die at the beginning, but he was so fragile... He...”

Minhyuk's eyes widened a little, but other than that he didn't let anything show. “He died from the injuries?”

A tear escaped the corner of my eye and I was quick to rub it away. “The one in command was a bastard.”

“Was it so bad that you messed up? Was it severe for them?”

“That's the point”, I snorted, scrunching up my nose, “They got them only a few hours later. It didn't matter much, but it was my first bigger mission, so they thought it necessary to teach me a lesson. I was told that they saw I had potential later, so they triggered my weak spot on purpose. But at what cost? He died from the injuries I should have received. He died because I couldn't defend him, I failed as a brother, so I can't call him mine.”

A shiver caused my body to shake and I strode past Minhyuk to grab some things from our stock while his eyes followed me relentlessly. “No matter what you think, I don't think he's blaming you”, he whispered but I could only watch my breathing, hoping for it to remain steady. “You were powerless then, you would only have gotten yourself killed.”

“I know he's not mad”, I shot back through clenched teeth. “He told me right before he died. I held him in my arms and he just...” _Don't let him treat you like he owns you. Promise me that you'll make it worth it._ I glanced at my hand, slowly curling it into a fist before grabbing a few products to fill up the rags. _Go and become a hero._ “He just smiled and told me to become a hero. For him. For everybody.”

Minhyuk was at a loss for words, unable to move, so he just stared at me with a pitying glint to his eyes. We didn't say a thing for a few minutes and I rummaged around with my lower lip tucked between my teeth. Now he knew part of it. I could only hope that he wouldn't ask me about what happened then, because that discussion would end with me closing up and him getting mad at me. An outcome neither of us seemed to desire.

“Sangwon must be proud of you.”

I sighed, feeling my throat close up. “Why should he? I became a contemptible human being that can't even feel anymore. I told you I was-”

“You're alive.”

I stopped with my brows furrowed and glanced at him who massaged his temples for a moment before returning my gaze. “Alive?”

“It's been more than three years. And here you are, still fighting for what you believe. Fighting for _him._ ” He took a step closer without ever breaking our eye contact. “Here you are, alive and healthy, fighting unfair treatment and dreaming on.” His steps came to a halt once he was within arm's reach and a smile worked its way up to his lips. “I don't know why he shouldn't be proud.”

The intensity of his eyes, staring at me without wavering the slightest, took my breath away. How could he say these nice things without even showing a single sign that he was lying? That he was just saying it for me to feel better? _He must be honest then_. I swallowed, suppressing another shiver and letting out a controlled breath.

“That's it.” His smile dropped, replaced by an expression of surprise and I pushed past him before he could say a thing. “This is exactly why you remind me of him.” _You're alive._ I was done with Sangwon. _You're alive._ I couldn't take any more.

I swallowed and raised my voice so that Minhyuk would hear me, but I didn't dare looking at him. _Let's play pretend like you always do, shall we, Hyungwon?_ “Will you be standing there all day or will you really try to help me? The racks don't fill themselves.”

He got the hint and complied, rearranging a few things in tension-filled silence for several minutes, but the silence didn't last long. After maybe half an hour of listening to the uneven sounds of his steps and avoiding as much eye contact as possible, a crashing sound had my head snap towards his location again, but he was nowhere in sight. I frowned and paced towards the source of the noise to find a glass of kimchi shattered on the floor with Minhyuk crouching right next to it, rocking back and forth.

I swallowed. “M-Minhyuk?” This certainly didn't look good. How did all of this manage to get worse by the minute?

 _Fate must hate you_. Oh boy, you can't even imagine how much.

 


	12. Realization is within a stone's throw of Acceptance

“Minhyuk, are you okay?”, I repeated myself, licking my lips as he kept staring at the spilled kimchi surrounded by red sauce.

“My h-head”, he groaned between a bunch of erratic breaths. “What are all these images?” My frown deepened as I took a careful step closer, making sure to avoid the shards of glass. “M-mom?” His eyes were wide open but his headache seemed to make him go blind nonetheless and his gaze followed something I couldn't see. It was a horrible sight.

“Minhyuk, what's wrong?”, I managed to ask, wondering if he was simulating to grab my attention, but the look of shock on his face was real, he couldn't fake that. The worst thing about this was that he wasn't smiling. Not even the hint of a smirk could be seen and it was unsettling.

“I-I didn't mean it that way!”, he screamed loudly, causing me to flinch. “I didn't want you to do that!” He had been Sangwon just minutes ago and now he was...he was... _This is Minhyuk_. I panicked when he raised his head to look at me with glazed eyes. “Why is she doing this?! All this blood!”

“What's happening? What do you see?”

“I can see her right there!” He grit his teeth and jerked his head to the side as if to get rid of a bug. He raised a hand to reach out for me but couldn't focus and dropped it a moment later. “I k-knew this was a bad idea.”

“What was?” I could only repeat my questions, not knowing what to do when his breathing became flat and he closed his eyes, shivers shaking his body.

“S-skipping. It hu-hurts.” He clutched at his head tearing at his hair and I looked around, hoping for some idea to come to me. _Skipping what?_ How should I calm him down? I didn't even know what was going on, how could I- My eyes widened when I thought of something Wonho had said in the morning.

_There will be a flower in your bag in case something happens._ How did he know? I quickly ran through the store to grab my bag and almost screamed in relief when my fingers wrapped around a flower's slender stem. “What to do, what to do?”, I mumbled to myself, spinning the fragile plant in my hand until I remembered that you could also eat the flower in its raw state. I was saved. Once I reached Minhyuk again, I crouched down next to him and extended my hand but he tried to resist until I got a hold of his ice-cold wrist. “Minhyuk, it's me. Look”, I hissed and his big eyes stared at me as if he was having a hard time recognizing me. He then glanced at the flower in my hand for a split second.

“D-Del...”

“Yes, it is”, I confirmed with a nod and he stopped struggling in my grasp. I carefully let go of him and plucked two or three petals when his breathing sped up again and he began to look around frantically as if he was being chased by something. “Calm down”, I ordered through clenched teeth but he wouldn't listen and I grabbed his chin with my free hand to make him stay in place. “Open your mouth.”

His teeth were clattering but he obeyed and I threw the petals into his mouth in a hurry. “Chew.” A gasp escaped his lips when the bittersweet taste filled his mouth and I watched his shivers subside. “Good boy, keep chewing”, I muttered while his eyes remained fixed on me until he suddenly fell forward like a lifeless doll. He lost consciousness and I quickly reached out to support his body so that he wouldn't fall into the shards of glass.

Silence filled the room, only disrupted by our quiet breaths and I couldn't move for a few moments, unable to think of what to do next. What had just happened? I moved Minhyuk's upper body back and forced his eyelids open for a moment to find his pupils dilated while making sure his breathing remained stable. I had done everything right, he wasn't in a coma or anything, he really was just unconscious and I sighed in relief, glancing at the blue-purplish flower that was slowly being squished in my clenched hand. 

“You're such a little thing and yet you have so much power, what are you?”, I whispered as I stuffed it into my pocket and slung my arms around Minhyuk's almost lifeless body to lift him up and bring him to the only chair we had in the storehouse part of the building. Being close to people was fine as long as I knew that they wouldn't move all of a sudden, so I had no bigger problems with carrying him around. _Taking care of bodies is part of my job after a- No, Hyungwon, he's not a body_. I did notice that he was rather thin though and wondered whether he was eating enough only to shake my head a second later to rid myself of the unnecessary thought.

There was still an hour to go until I had to turn the shop's sign to 'open' and I took my time with cleaning up the kimchi the smell of which caused my eyes to tear up. I had just thrown the last shards of glass away and leaned against a nearby table to watch Minhyuk's sunk down figure in worry when I wondered what might have caused these strange reactions. He didn't catch a cold, it wouldn't have caused him to shout stuff like a mad man.

I hesitantly reached out with my hand to touch his forehead which was burning up while his hands remained as cold as ice. “But a simple fever wouldn't trigger these random hallucinations...”, I mumbled to myself with a frown, letting Minhyuk's facial expressions pass in front of my mind's eye again.  _Why is she doing this?!_ What had he seen? _All this blood!_ It had looked as though he was traumatized, as if it was a bad memory or something like that. A memory?

_I knew this was a bad idea... Skipping._ An idea sparked in my head and I took the remains of a smushed flower out of my pocket. 

_We tried helping Minhyuk, but he buries himself in a hole if he starts to remember. He's not strong enough to bear the story's whole weight._

I stuffed the Delphinium back into my jacket's pocket and ran a hand through my hair. He hadn't had any drugs the day before. Of course, that's what he had skipped. Why else would he remember why he had been lying next to me in the morning? Why else would he behave a little more unpredictable than usual? Why else would his body show these weird symptoms? They were all withdrawal symptoms. “You're an idiot for not getting the hints, Hyungwon.” I had to get him home somehow, but I wouldn't get to leave until three in the afternoon, so this was kind of problematic. What if he woke up in the middle of my shift? What if he was Madhyuk, to use Jooheon's term?

I heard a quiet clicking noise at the door to find my boss standing there in surprise. “Hyungwon, you're already here? Isn't it a little bit too early?”

I scratched my neck with a nod. “I couldn't sleep so I thought I could come and clean up, one of my friends even came along, but he...uhm...”

“That white-haired one?”, the old man asked and I nodded once more, biting my lip as he looked around. “Where is he?”

“That's the thing, he kind of passed out. I guess he's got a fever or something like that.” I didn't think mentioning drugs was a good idea and just pointed at the room Minhyuk was sitting in. My boss slowly walked up to him with worry on his face. “I'm sorry for the additional problems, I just didn't know where to put him until he wakes up and-”

“He needs a bed, this looks like a severe fever”, he interrupted with a sigh after inspecting the other male for a few seconds and turned around with a shrug. “You're always doing good work Hyungwon, go and get that guy home.”

“Wh-what?” My heart skipped a beat at the sudden warmth in his voice. “No way, I caused several inconveniences due to my inconsistent work hours, I can't possibly-”

“Either you take this day off or I'll fire you”, the old man chuckled and nudged my side with his elbow. “Just take him and go, it's fine. Today is a really snowy day and it's very unlikely that there'll be many customers, I'll take them on myself so you can rest assured.”

“I-” I licked my lips, suppressing a sigh of relief when my eyes fell on Minhyuk again. “Thank you, I'll work even harder tomorrow!”

“No worries, just make sure he'll be fine. He helped out the other day as well, he's a good guy.”

I exchanged a glance with my boss before lowering my gaze to the ground and sighing. _But I'm always the bad guy._ “I'll g-get going then.” The old man nodded once more before I slung Minhyuk's arms around my neck and lifted him on my back with a groan when his knee hit the bruise on my chest. “Thanks again!”, I shouted while quickly picking up my bag with my foot and leaving for Monsta X' house in a hurry.

 

It was only half past ten when I reached the house, banging my fist against the door since I still didn't have a key and, thankfully, Kihyun opened the door after a few tension-filled moments of silence. “Good thing you're still here, I was afraid I'd have to stay outside”, I sighed, pushing past him and up the stairs when he froze up for a moment after noticing Minhyuk. He then quickly grabbed his crutches with one hand and hobbled up the stairs behind me.

“Hyungwon, Minhyuk is-”

“-high. I know.”

“I was gonna say unconscious, but at least you know why. How?”

I impatiently waited for him to catch up at the top of the staircase, motioning him to open the door to Minhyuk's room for me to put him down on his bed a moment later. “He didn't have any yesterday, right?” I glanced back at Kihyun who frowned for a moment and I licked my lips. “We were at the store when suddenly he got some kind of shock. He was talking about how he could see 'her', whoever that is. Said something about his mom?”

“You gave him Delphinium, right?”

I nodded and his whole body relaxed. “Wonho seemed to know something was going to happen, he gave me a flower before he left.”

“Thank God”, the other sighed, massaging his temple with one hand. “He must have suffered. Thanks for bringing him back. You still need to work?” I shook my head, repeating the short exchange I had had with my boss and he nodded again. “We can only wait for him to wake up at the moment. Mind coming to the living room with me?”

I had my eyes glued to Minhyuk's pale face this whole time, uncomfortable with the way he looked. Like a corpse. _Now now, don't exaggerate things._ His breathing wasn't very deep but at least you could see his chest raise and lower a little. _He'll be fine, Hyungwon. You probably look like that when you're sleeping as well. Calm down._

Kihyun cleared his throat and I forced myself to look away from the white-haired male to be able to follow him. “H-How long will it take?”, I whispered quietly and he turned to glance at me.

“How much did you give him?”

“Two petals.”

“Good thing you didn't give him the whole flower, he might have died from that. He'll probably open his eyes in about an hour, but the Delphinium will have an effect on him until early in the evening I guess. You-” He ran his teeth over his bottom lip before continuing. “You must be worried, right?”

I swallowed, avoiding any eye contact while we settled on the sofas around the little coffee table and I noticed Changkyun for the first time who was standing in the kitchen making something that looked like hot chocolate. “We're... We're a gang now after all”, I whispered, causing him to nod.

“Right, we are. Do you remember we defined our family tree yesterday?”

“Wonho mentioned it in passing, why?”

“I just wanted to repeat things for you if needed, so, I'm your foster-mother from today on and Changkyun is your brother.” As if on cue, the youngest marched into the room and sat beside Kihyun, throwing his legs over the other's lap. “A brother without manners. But you can blame Wonho since he's the father.”

“Don't blame Wonho for your mistakes, _Mom_ ”, Changkyun chuckled before raising a brow at me. “What happened to Minhyuk?”

“High. He had a shock due to withdrawal and is resting upstairs”, Kihyun replied in my stead, longingly staring at the steaming mug Changkyun held in his hands until the latter groaned and let him have a sip. “Well, however”, he then continued, licking his lips contentedly, “Wonho's not your dad so you don't need to listen to anything he says.”

“I wouldn't have done that anyway.”

“Good boy. See, that's why I adopted you.” I clenched my teeth and took a deep breath, not allowing myself to think about the Seo family and letting my eyes wander over the newspaper on the table instead. It was all Chinese, but still very simple and I could guess the topics, skimming in disinterest until a picture caught my eye and I grabbed the paper to read the passage.

“There were preparations for another revolt?”, I mumbled quietly, examining the picture of several handcuffed people staring at the ground with gloomy expressions.

“There was someone Wonho knew on that picture so he brought it with him”, Changkyun mumbled between two sips of hot chocolate. “Don't know who it was though.” I nodded slowly, trying to make out the faces of the police officers after checking the Koreans but it was impossible since they were hidden behind helmets. There were so many people working for the government it was very improbable that I knew any of them but, well, you never know. _Yi-en isn't around Daegu though, there's no way he's on here._

I put the newspaper aside, careful not to arise curiosity from the two other guys – they didn't know that I had been in the army, unlike Minhyuk. They didn't know about Sangwon either, unlike Minhyuk. _He knows so much about me already..._ I tried not to think about anything then and left Kihyun and Changkyun on their own to look after that guy who knew half of my past. I had to stop myself from dragging the others into it as well. Silence was the best thing I could use now.

 

I don't know how much time passed with me sitting on the floor with my back leaning against the wardrobe, eyes on the motionless body ahead, but eventually a twitch of his hand had me snap out of my trance.

I got up quickly and positioned myself next to the bed, watching Minhyuk clench his eyes shut against the light shining through his window. “Why the _fuck_ is it so bright?” _Madhyuk?_ He pressed his hands against his eyes while sitting up and let out a yawn before slowly trying to adapt to the bright environment. I didn't say a word until he blinked at me with furrowed eyebrows. “Chae?”

_Chae?_ Since when did he only use my surname? Minhyuk's scowl turned into a cheerful smile within seconds and he threw his legs over the edge of his bed to stand beside me. “I dreamed of you, you were telling me some horrible stories about your brother, Sangwon, you know? I was actually starting to believe you really had a brother, funny, right?” His big wide eyes were staring at me relentlessly and goosebumps formed on my skin when I took a step back.

“Th-that really happened, Minhyuk.”

“You had a brother?” He stopped for a moment and pursed his lips before the smile was back again. “Whatever. We were at that convenience store, right? Why are you here now? Don't need to work? Were you worried?” He took a step with every question and I soon found myself backed against a wall, unable to retreat any further so that he was only standing twenty centimeters away from me.

_This isn't any of the patterns the others told me about, what is this_ , I thought with panic starting to fill my gut as Minhyuk shuffled even closer and rested his forehead on my shoulder with a sigh. “You never let me get this close but this is rather comfortable, you know?” His arms grabbed the sides of my sweater and I felt my breath quicken.

“M-Minhyuk, retreat. Now.” He shook his head, simultaneously nuzzling into the crook of my neck and I let out a panicking gasp before grabbing him by the shoulders and shoving him back. “What are you doing?”

“You need a tight hug, Chae. You can't keep walking around with that frown on your face, you gotta cheer up!”, he retorted, furrowing his brows in an attempt to mirror my expression.

“I-I think it would be best for you to... go downstairs. Let's make you something to eat, shall we?” He didn't look impressed at my change of topic and grabbed my hand before I could dodge.

“I'm not hungry though.”

I covered my mouth with my free hand to suppress a scream of frustration. Nobody knew what would happen if I upset him too much, but I couldn't take this. He was the way he always was, but more touchy. “Y-you'll be hungry by the time it's ready”, I insisted while pretending to be calm and he watched me for a while before shrugging and leaving the room, inevitably dragging me along by our linked hands. This felt like my missions before.  _Don't let your insecurities show or they'll find out you're different from what they believe you to be._

“Hyungwon, are you alright? We heard- Oh.” Kihyun stopped in surprise when he saw Minhyuk with me in tow and I sent him a gaze that practically screamed for help. “H-Hey, Minhyuk, how are you?”

The white-haired slowed down and coldly stared at Kihyun for a moment before scrunching up his nose. “Why would I tell you? You're barely even home, there's no reason for me to say anything.” His opponent froze up and we exchanged a confused glance when Minhyuk directed his attention towards Changkyun who was quietly munching some cookie. “And you, look at you.” He let go of my hand to curl both of his into fists. “Making yourself comfortable over here and you don't even work for it, what the fuck do you think you're doing, huh?”

Changkyun shrunk on his seat. “U-uhm, I just th-thought since you were still asleep I should pass s-some time and-”

“-eat some cookies, yeah? Well, I'm awake now, so you can go do whatever you normally do.” Minhyuk's voice was laced with some sort of disgust I had never heard him use before. I suppressed a flinch when he turned to look at me, thinking that he might want to roast me as well, but instead, his eyes softened and he grabbed my hand with a smile again. “You're right, I'm hungry all of a sudden. Must be because I got angry. Let's eat together! I want cereal.”

Changkyun almost choked on the last crumbs while Kihyun shot me a look of shock that could only last a split second since I was dragged into the kitchen. I quickly poured some cereal and milk into my bowl and hurried back into the living room where the other two were still sitting as though a lightning had struck them. We sat at the dining table and, feeling Minhyuk's gaze on me, I ate a spoonful of cereal and he smiled brightly before rolling his eyes at the sofa. “They're still here, what are they even doing all day? Some people need to work hard to make this kind of lifestyle even possible, they really are-”

“Minhyuk.” I clenched my teeth and narrowed my eyes before raising my head to look at his surprised expression. I had to keep up with his mood swings and I knew I could do it. I had been trained to adapt. “That's no way to talk about your friends. Be a bit more respectful.”

I could see Kihyun motioning me to stop from the corner of my eye, but I couldn't take anything back and waited for Minhyuk to react. He put his spoon down, opening and closing his mouth several times before stuttering his words. “I-I'm not your little brother, Chae.” I stiffened and he grinned I little, thinking he got me, but I would prove him wrong. “I'm older than you and I think I can do whatever I want, you know?”

“Do you also think age is important when it comes to politeness? I thought we were friends”, I shot back, not letting myself think about my utterances for more than one second and he stopped again as I furrowed my brows. “You're shit-talking your friends and gang mates, right now. You _think_ that's okay? You _think_ being older gives you any special rights here?” I let my gaze wander over the two guys on the sofa, both of them looking a little worried and I swallowed.

“I-” Minhyuk's voice brought my attention back to him, hoping that I hadn't gone to far. If Madhyuk were to come out now, Kihyun would have to jump in – I wouldn't be able to take him on since I didn't know how. Maybe there was some sort of trick or- “I'm sorry.”

Silence filled the room, interrupted by Changkyun choking on his food again. Did that boy even know how to eat? Minhyuk reached out for my hand but I withdrew out of reflex which had him freeze with his eyes darting around the room. “I was just a little angry.” He bowed his head towards Kihyun and Changkyun in a hurry. “Sorry, I was being rude.”

“You bet!”, the youngest retorted and I could see a fire sparking in Minhyuk's eyes, swallowing my pride as I quickly grabbed his hand.

“It's fine. Just don't do it again.” As fast as the fire had appeared it was gone again and we went back to eating with me shooting my opponent a few worried glances every now and then. Something about me managed to calm him down though I didn't know what it was. But I _did_ know that Minhyuk on drugs was scary as hell.

After having finished, I sat down on the sofa opposite to Kihyun and Changkyun who were continually staring at me like I was some kind of supernatural creature. I frowned, glancing at my watch. Twelve o'clock. _Maybe six more hours until he's fine again_. I swallowed when Minhyuk sat down to my right.

He shuffled closer and wanted to rest his head on my shoulder but I was quick to dodge. “I thought you'd know that I don't like this by now”, I mumbled, knowing that he was looking at me but not daring to look back.

“Well, _I_ thought you'd know that there's no need to be scared of me.”

“I'm not scared.”

“You sure as hell are, Chae Hyungwon”, he growled and I couldn't stop myself from turning my head to look at him who had just raised a brow. “I'm not Sangwon, I'm not that fragile.”

“This isn't about Sangwon-”

“Then there are too many mysteries surrounding you.” Minhyuk grabbed my sweater and put his head on my shoulder despite my protests. “It can't be healthy.”

My breathing got uneven and I glanced up to find the other two guys watching the scene in awe. I tried asking Kihyun for help with my eyes but he didn't get the hint and just kept staring. Well, thanks, Kihyun. “U-uhm, Minhyuk-” I started, slowly pushing him away which had him pout. “I don't think y-you're one to talk, you know? You're a mystery on two legs since you always say you can't remember.”

I watched as his lip started quivering and he stared at me with eyes that were slowly filling with tears while his breathing sped up. “I-I think I might be o-orphaned.”

“Huh?” Kihyun finally broke out of his trance, cocking his head to the side in shock. He was definitely unable to cope with all this, but why? Wasn't it the same as always? “You remember?”

Minhyuk didn't even spare him a glance as his gaze was fixed on me and a hiccup escaped his mouth when he tried to hold back his tears. “Sometimes I r-remember, but then I get h-high just moments l-later and another black hole swallows it all. Nothing is for keeps, it just... c-comes and goes! Always there but n-never within reach!”

His high-pitched voice caused my alarms to go off. If I didn't stop him now I wouldn't find out about his past any time soon, but he looked as though he was having a really hard time. I felt sorry for him.“Was that why you were so shocked at the store?”, I whispered and he nodded frantically.

“All the blood, I-I didn't know what to do, she was right there, right in front of m-me and I couldn't even m-move a-and-” A sob shook his body and Kihyun motioned me to stop there. It was torture to Minhyuk, I could see it, so I clenched my teeth and carefully put my own trembling arms around his body, pulling him into a hug and he slung his around my waist with a few more sobs escaping. I was trying hard not to push him away, he needed someone he could hold on to at that very moment and since he'd only get mad with the other two I was the only option.

_So this must be Sadhyuk_ . 

I patted his hair with one hand as he kept tightening his embrace, his head buried in the crook of my neck. It was weird. Only a few weeks earlier and I'd have made sure he wouldn't be able to walk for a week after pulling off such a thing. And here I was, initiating contact to calm him down, it was confusing for me as well. Yes, he reminded me a little of Sangwon when he had been having nightmares back then, but something was different. All I could see was a crying Minhyuk.

“It's okay, you're here. Nothing can happen to you here”, I whispered, giving Kihyun and Changkyun a slightly forced smile to assure them that it'd be fine. “You're not there anymore. You're here with me. You can calm down now. Why don't you try to sleep again? Looks like you still didn't get enough of that today.”

“Only if you promise you won't leave.” His nails started digging into my shoulder blades and pain shot through them.

“Whatever. There's nowhere I could go anyway”, I replied, suppressing a sigh when he finally stopped sobbing and loosened his grasp. It took him ten minutes, but I could tell that he really was asleep then. I had done it. I had tamed Minhyuk on drugs.

Kihyun, having observed everything, was still watching the two of us with his lips slightly parted in awe. “You're unbelievable”, he whispered, shaking his head and I cocked mine to the side so that he'd keep talking. “Calming Minhyuk down this fast, changing moods with him, it's... I'm speechless.”

Changkyun nodded, looking just as surprised as he shot me an approving gaze. “Only Wonho managed to make him smile _once_ and that was years ago when I wasn't here yet. You're a miracle.”

 

________________

 

I woke up with my head on someone's lap, fingers softly threading through my hair every now and then. It felt good, who was this? I heard someone mumble something, but it didn't seem to be Korean. _Where am I?_ I clenched my hands slowly, nails scratching over the soft cloth I recognized as our sofa's. _At home?_

“I think he's waking up”, a scratchy voice mumbled. It had to be Jooheon sitting on the armchair as usual and I winced when the other hand stopped stroking my hair.

The person let out an affirmative hum and I furrowed my brows, trying to categorize it. _Wonho? But it sounds different..._ I opened my eyes with a few difficulties since my eyelids seemed to stick to the lower half of my eyes. They felt a little bit sore, had I cried? I opened them just enough to find the living room in almost complete darkness, only lit by the last rays of sunlight breaking through the windows. It had to be late in the afternoon.

I turned my head to glance at the person's face, only able to make out dark hair at first. _So it's not Wonho._ He then glanced down, locking gazes with me and that's when my eyes shot open in shock.

“Hyungwon?” He started chewing on his bottom lip and I jerked up, suddenly wide awake as I crawled to the other end of the sofa and my head started to pound. Hyungwon looked as though he was about to say something but I beat him to it. “I don't know what happened but I'm sorry!”

My eyes wandered to Jooheon who was trying to read some English sentence without much success, but other than that he didn't seem to be agitated in any way. And if Jooheon was fine with me sleeping on Hyungwon's lap something was fishy. “Why am I here?”

“This is your home, dumbass”, Jooheon hissed with a raised eyebrow. “You forgot?”

I shook my head, eyes darting to Hyungwon again. “No, but I...He- You...What-”

“You went without Delphinium yesterday, right?”

I licked my lips in confusion when my opponent just calmly returned my gaze and I tried to rewind my memory to the last moment I remembered before waking up. We had been at the store, had argued about Sangwon- I wondered why Hyungwon didn't seem to be completely devastated, he had told me about a big turning point in his life after all. Chae Hyungwon wouldn't have done that for nothing, so why wasn't he panicking about anything right now? Did something worse happen? Was there even something worse to him than having his past exposed? I remembered helping him fill up the shelves in silence when I dropped something due to an enormous pain shooting through my brain. What was it? Something with red sauce on it, I could see the stain in my mind. Immense pain and then... Darkness. Nothing.

Hyungwon was still staring at me and I swallowed with a nod. Yeah, right, I didn't have any drugs due to staying with Hyungwon the day before, but- “Wait, did you give me some?”

“You were shou-” He interrupted himself, glanced to the side and shrugged. “You looked quite sick, so I did, yeah.”

“Where'd you get it from?”

“Wonho gave it to me in the morning. He must have known something was going to happen.”

_Wonho. He must have been worried when I didn't come back yesterday evening..._ I lowered my eyes and rubbed my sleeve across them. “Did I get...angry or unbearably depressed?”

Hyungwon scratched the back of his neck. “Nothing we wouldn't be able to handle. You were moody but surprisingly calm when- uhm, yeah, it was okay.” I eyed him in suspicion but he just leaned back on the sofa, oblivious to my stare. Hyungwon never interrupted himself and he'd never be oblivious to something either, but I knew he wouldn't tell me a thing. “That you're okay now is the most important thing.” What the hell was this completely new mindset he was displaying?! “Are you?”

I fidgeted with my hands for a moment. “My head feels like it's made of cotton but I'm good, yeah. Thanks then?” I still didn't know why I had been sleeping on his lap but since neither Hyungwon nor Jooheon felt the need to talk about it there wasn't much I could do – I'd just have to suck it up.

“Are you done now?”, Jooheon muttered as he rose to his feet to switch on the light and I squinted at the yellow color it painted the surroundings. “We still have to finish my homework, so, could you keep quiet and let us move to the table now that you're awake?”

I blinked at the young man in surprise before remembering that they were doing his English stuff  _together_ . “Ah, y-yeah, sure. Don't mind me.” Hyungwon got up, stretched his back and casually walked over to the big dining table to join Jooheon, the scene looking very unfamiliar to me. There were times when Jooheon wouldn't even look at Hyungwon and now he was listening to the elder's explanations about English grammar.  _Jooheon really is like a cat, he does things as he pleases_ , I figured with a smile playing around the corners of my mouth just when Hyungwon turned his head to glance at me once more.

“Before I forget it again: You won't go to Exo this week.”

“Huh?” I frowned and Jooheon groaned at the repeated interruptions but his new friend didn't spare him a glance.

“I wanted to tell you before but I always forgot. You're meeting at the playground near the store I'm working at instead. I told them to come at half past five.”

_The playground?_ “W-wait, b-b-but why?” I could go to them myself, why would he change the place?

“I don't want you to get caught by military officers”, he explained with his jaw tensed and my breath got stuck in my throat when I saw the fire in his eyes. “They should come to us if they want something, not the other way round. I'll be there too, work ends around five.”

He turned towards Jooheon to have a look at some weird sounding words, leaving me dumbfounded. “Oh, euh...Okay, then, let's do it like that?” Not that my approval would actually change a thing about it.

Hyungwon had taken my job under his protection without me having to ask for it. When had he done that? During our visit last week when I was asleep? He really didn't want me to go there anymore, wanted me to be safe, or at least under his supervision. It was a little bit twisted, but I couldn't stop that warm feeling from spreading in my chest. This was Chae, slowly peeking through the mask of Hyungwon. And I couldn't deny that I liked that a lot.

 

________________

 

“ _What the fuck is that?!”_

“ _Shhh!”, Kihyun shushed Jooheon while shooting me a panicking glance once the younger entered the living room. “Don't wake him up or we're in trouble.”_

_Jooheon craned his neck with a number of different expressions passing over his face before he settled with a simple frown. I could tell he was pissed for some reason and mirrored his look as he asked: “Mind explaining?”_

 

After Minhyuk had fallen asleep, I had somehow managed to shift his weight a little so that his head was now resting on my thigh, making this whole ordeal a bit more comfortable and bearable for me. Well, at least I could move my arms. Kihyun told Jooheon the summarized version of what had happened, he stared at me for an unknown amount of time before relaxing with a dismissive wave of his hand and that was that.

He, just like Changkyun and Kihyun, didn't seem to care about Minhyuk's tantrums but focused on the fact that I was the one to calm him down instead, asking how I had done that, but of course I didn't have an explanation. I could only wait and pray for Minhyuk to wake up with his normal state of mind restored.

 

_The others were scattered all over the house when Wonho came home and I forced myself not to look like I was struggling too much. This was the part I had hoped to avoid. The blond carefully tiptoed closer with one of his signature smiles on his face. “Now would you look at that”, he whispered when his expression received a cunning twist all of a sudden. “My son and ex-wife got so close, I might be jealous.”_

_I clenched my teeth, careful not to move my leg. “Wonho, I'm kind of on edge right now, so if you could just control yourself that would be great, you know?”_

“ _On edge? How come?”, the other retorted, stepping behind the sofa and his hot breath sent a wave of shivers down my spine. “It looks a little uncomfortable but you must have chosen this for yourself. Why don't you tell me the reason, this isn't like you at all, right?”_

“ _It got uncomfortable the moment you walked in.” I squirmed in my place but Minhyuk flinched at the movement and I quickly forced myself to calm down, soothingly running my hand through his hair instead. A serene smile spread on his face and his whole body relaxed. “He needed this. It would be problematic if you were to trigger a panic attack now, so at least back off a little”, I muttered._

“ _You're so rude”, Wonho muttered without actually sounding hurt or angry, moving away to crouch down in front of Minhyuk and inspect his face instead. The playful glint in his eyes vanished and I could tell that he was switching into the serious mode I hadn't come to witness often. We were all so two-faced it was almost ridiculous. “He had a shock?” I nodded, slapping his hand away when he reached out to stroke the white-haired's cheek. I didn't want him to wake up. And I didn't want the leech to touch him._

“ _Thanks for the flower.”_

_Wonho closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. “It was the least I could do. Thanks for taking care of him after that, but-” He looked up to meet my gaze with curiosity. “What are you going to do when he wakes up like this? This really isn't like you. I might be sounding like I'm joking around, but I'm surprised nonetheless.”_

“ _So am I.” I bit the inside of my cheek, going over my options for a moment before swallowing. I couldn't blame Minhyuk for his behavior, it was all due to the drugs. “When he wakes up, I'll act like nothing happened. He'll be confused enough, he doesn't need to have a bad conscience as well.”_

_Wonho pursed his lips, followed by a curt nod as he drew himself up again. “Fair enough... You're growing, you know?” I cocked my head to the side, feeling a weight being lifted off my chest when he distanced himself and gave me a warm smile, a real one. “Sometimes it's okay to care about others.”_

“ _Wonho?” Changkyun came running down from some room upstairs with a bright expression as he threw himself into the blond's arms. “I knew I heard your voice. Had a nice day?”, the youngest asked while Kihyun shushed him, following down the stairs._

_Wonho chuckled, affectionately ruffling the younger's hair up as if to underline his previous statement._ Sometimes it's okay to care about others. _“Shouldn't you call me Dad from now on, you rascal?”_

“ _Ew, no.” Kihyun scrunched up his face. “Disgusting. Sounds as though you were a sugar daddy, he's still a kid.”_

“ _Shit, right. Uhm, yeah.” He licked his lips, ignoring the questioning look Changkyun was giving him. He had his guard down and I stopped threading my fingers through Minhyuk's hair to observe the trio in surprise. Wonho cleared his throat with his gaze directed at something neither of us could see. Was he embarrassed? “I'll accompany you to the orphanage, it's slippery outside and Changkyun is too weak to help you if you fall or anything.” He skillfully ignored the youngest's protests. “You were going today, right? Or did you not want to go due to Minhyuk?”_

“ _What am I, an idiot? I won't 'fall or anything.'_ _But you can come along if you don't believe me.”_ _Kihyun rolled with his eyes and knocked his crutch against Wonho's shin, having him hiss in pain. “Minhyuk is fine with Hyungwon, don't worry about him, let's just go in five minutes.”_

 

I could only shake my head at the memory. The three of them really could have made a family, it was getting ridiculous, but the more time I spent with Monsta X the more I got that Wonho was just really close with everyone and he really had no intention of using them for...anything. I was starting to believe Minhyuk: Wonho was a good guy.

Once they had closed the door I was left with Jooheon and we started on our English lesson while Minhyuk was still asleep, but I couldn't focus much on the words and grammar, distracted by the way the white-haired would let out a quiet wince every once in a while.

I had to suppress a sigh when I could finally distance myself from him. I had been sitting on that sofa for five hours straight and I didn't feel my legs anymore, standing up to move over to the dining table, a few meters further away from the shocked and confused Minhyuk.

My plan was successful, everybody behaved as usual not even mentioning what had happened and if Minhyuk asked them about their day they'd just shrug it off and say that it was alright. I didn't want him to feel bad for anything, he couldn't help it after all. We were all addicted, we had no right to judge him. We really had no right to.

 

Wednesday evening.

I had to come along this time, I could tell that Minhyuk wanted to talk to me as just the two of us and this was the closest we would get to it. Everything was as usual, he and all the little gangs at Seventeen's subway station agreed on a price and they received the flowers, but I furrowed my brows when I scanned the crowd, walking up to Seungcheol.

“Hyungwon! Long time no see”, he stated with a sad smile and I just nodded in reply, eyes still on the crowd.

“There are some missing.”

Seungcheol's smile vanished more quickly than it had appeared and his jaw tensed. “Some; I didn't know them all. It was too cold. Seungkwan didn't make it. We lost him.” My chest tightened by the thought. Watching someone freeze to death was a slow and painful thing and I clenched my teeth. I hadn't talked much to him but that didn't make it less horrible. Life in the subway was tough, I should have counted myself lucky. “And I heard _they_ took Hoseok. You know, that guy that was always smiling and jumping around?”

My eyes widened and I covered my mouth with one hand before a gasp could escape. “Hoseok from BTS?” Seungcheol nodded. The young man flashed in front of my mind's eye and I let out a heavy breath, tightening the grasp around my bag's strap. This wasn't good. “Keep careful watch of everybody here. Tell them to stick to the rules, curfew and all. Let them stay here overnight if you must”, I mumbled with my eyes darting around the room, trying to remember all of their faces at once. “We mustn't lose any more people.”

Seventeen's leader was shaking as he buried his hands in his pockets with another nod. “I'm doing my best.”

“Dinner's ready!”, Bora shouted from the fire pit with a cheerful smile and I patted Seungcheol's shoulder once more before turning around to meet Minhyuk with a hardly controlled expression on my face. My mind was busy processing that China was still recruiting new soldiers, this couldn't be good at all.

“You look as though you'd seen a ghost”, Minhyuk remarked with a frown and I pressed my lips together.

“Can we go somewhere else?”

“Already? We just arrived-”

“I need to be somewhere quiet.” I swallowed, clutching at my side where the tattoo was hidden beneath my clothes and Minhyuk seemed to get that something was not right, nodding towards the subway tunnel without another word.

He remained silent until we reached the next deserted station and I sat down at the platform edge, taking out my little book and pen, turning to the page of BTS with a deep breath.

Members: Namjoon, Yoongi, Jungkook, Hoseok, Taehyung, Jimin, Seokjin.

I bit my lip and stared at their names for a while before tightening my grip on the plastic pen and firmly crossing out the name of Hoseok. Minhyuk stood in front of me with a frown, raising his head to meet my gaze. “Did he-”

“He's not dead. Yet”, I whispered, licking my dried up lips. “He was taken.” I then turned to Seventeen's page and crossed out Seungkwan's name, putting a cross right next to it. “He _is_ dead _._ Death from cold.”

I could hear him take controlled breaths. “You can't do anything about it now. It's not your fault.”

I chewed on my bottom lip. “That doesn't change the fact that they didn't deserve it. Nobody does. You said you wouldn't abandon any clients yourself. This is just the same.”

Minhyuk stared at the page with clenched teeth and again we were coated in silence for the next few minutes until my opponent grabbed the book out of nowhere and made it too hard for me to reclaim it. “Give that back!”, I hissed but he just swallowed and stared back at me instead.

“You can't keep thinking about death. Let's change our topic. Change our thoughts”, he mumbled and sat down a few steps down the platform to skim the book's contents. “You know, I've always wanted to know what you wrote about me.”

“Nothing untrue”, I hissed and reached out to grab the book once more but he quickly shifted to make it an impossible task without having to get too close to him. He managed to shoot me a small grin as he turned to the pages I had granted Monsta X – about one for each member since they were the Clan's center. I tried to mask my feelings and buried my hands in my pockets with a huff when he raised his eyebrow again.

“You even wrote my birthday down? There's more info about me than anybody else here!” I couldn't suppress the roll of my eyes when he shifted closer. “Am I this important, huh?”

“You're forcing yourself on me, what did you expect?”

“Aye, but if you wanted to get rid of me you wouldn't be staying at our house. You know you love it... Oh!” Minhyuk's malicious grin vanished when his eyes caught sight of a certain bullet point. “You noted my dream down as well.” I glanced from the page to his warmly smiling face and back at the book again.

_Wants to become an artist (s/o people look up to and support)_

I had written these things down after our game of twenty questions though I didn't really know why, I just took all the information I could get. “Thought you might need to be reminded of it sooner or later”, I muttered, which was an obvious mistake as his smile broadened.

“That's nice of you.” His eyes found mine and I was quick to look somewhere else with a sigh as he skimmed the few more pages I had begun writing on before giving it back to me. “Do you know why I want to become an artist once all this is over?”

_Do you expect it to be over any time soon?_ “It's an unstable job, I wouldn't know why you'd do that voluntarily”, I replied honestly, opening the book to stare at Hoseok's name once more. Maybe I could find and protect him if I went back. He had rather good chances of surviving since he taught himself the basics of Chinese beforehand, but there were too many risks I'd have to take, I'd have to give everybody up.

“You'll leave something behind”, Minhyuk said, seemingly oblivious to my bad mood. “All the great artists had to pass away before they were really acknowledged for their work, so I won't even have to worry if it doesn't work out while I'm alive, I'll get by somehow. What's important is the legacy you leave people with, don't you think?”

He was rambling, but I could tell that his words weren't only an explanation – he was trying to tell me something else. “Don't know. Maybe?”, I mumbled lost in thought until my opponent spoke up again.

“You know, those two you crossed out earlier...” I rolled my shoulders back when his hand came to rest on the book, covering the letters. “I didn't really know them, but it's nice that you have them in here. They'll always be remembered that way. Just like you keep thinking of Sangwon, right? This book will be part of _their_ legacy. This kind of thing is why I want to become an artist. I want to be remembered too.”

My breath got stuck in my throat. _What's important is the legacy you leave people with – Go and become a hero_. How did he always manage to talk about my dark past even when we started off in the present, wasn't that ironic? I glanced at Hoseok's name once more before wiping his hand away and shutting the book. “This right here is my memory of the time I spend with the Clan, Sangwon is something far more complex”, I insisted. “The most recent happenings, the present and what might happen in the future are in this book, but my, well, my brother will never belong in this book. He got stuck in my past and will never have a present let alone a future.”

“He will. As long as you remember him and his last wish”, Minhyuk retorted and I shook my head in disbelief. “Your memory is like that book. Keep Sangwon's name safe, do me that favor.”

“You really are something, Lee Minhyuk.” I allowed a bit of uncertainty to appear on my face. No matter what I pretended to think, I knew he was right. Forgetting about my past would mean forgetting about Sangwon as well and that was the same as killing him a second time. Seeing as things were now I couldn't do that.

I should count myself lucky since the drugs didn't have the same effect on me as on Minhyuk. I should keep going, which was easier said than done, but the more I listened to Minhyuk and the more time I had to think, the more I wanted to show them all that I would keep fighting. I should show them that I was still Chae Hyungwon. I was neither Seo Hyungwon nor turtle. I was just...me. “Fine”, I whispered after a long silence. “I will remember. I will keep remembering it all, is that what you want?”

“And you still have to ask that?” The white-haired sitting by my side looked at me with warmth radiating from his smile and I felt something move in my chest. It felt good, but it was weird at the same time – being honest with someone and being honest with your _self_. “Say, Hyungwon-” I hummed, staring at the colorfully painted walls across the train tracks. “What happened yesterday? I just know that I feel sorry, but I don't know why.”

Minhyuk's voice cracked halfway through and I closed my eyes with a sigh. “It's not important, I told you. Just don't worry too much, it will be alright. We're all addicted, you are no exception, and if you don't think it necessary to tell me about my actions when I'm high, there's no reason for me to tell you. You didn't do anything problematic-” _Other than being unbelievably clingy, which is my problem, but still._ “-and I don't want you to think you did. I mentioned it yesterday: What's important is that you're okay _now_.”

“But-”

“Minhyuk, this isn't important.”

I heard him utter a sound of distress but he bit back his other questions. We both knew that arguing with each other would only result in more conflicts and bigger defense mechanisms. “Fine, but that aside, I'm happy you finally decided to keep remembering. We've come a long way, using drugs to drown your past never is the right method.”

I rolled my eyes. “I will never hear the end of this, will I?”

“Definitely not. I'm persistent.”

“But now that I'm addicted to that flower anyway, why would you even care? I could still forget things all of a sudden.” I moved a little to draw my knees up and rested my chin on them.

“Why, indeed.” Minhyuk stretched his back with a groan, the eternal smile never leaving his face now that he was in control of his actions again. He glanced at me from the corner of his eye and licked his lips.

“I guess I need you in order to stay sane.”

My eyes widened, but he just shrugged and continued: “Well, I know you've noticed that dealing is hard for me, you mentioned it the other day. It's suffocating to see all these greedy people long and pay for something that's no more than a bit of chemistry and biology. I feel horrible ninety percent of the time, but with you I can see the way it actually changes you for the _better_. The way _we_ change you. Believe it or not, you are getting better. You talk a lot more. You even started telling me about yourself.” Minhyuk took a handful of his jacket right above his chest, clawing at it. “That's the first time I actually feel of any use with what I'm doing and I want to keep this feeling safe. So, if your memories start scattering, I want to put them back together again. The more you tell me, the easier it will become.”

My hands grew sweaty and I swallowed. I was making him feel better even after all the shit tons of memories and problems I had dumped on him? He thought it to be a positive sign? I clenched and unclenched my fist before wiping it on my pants. “Nobody has ever said that. Said that they needed me somehow.”

“Weird how I'm using you and you think it to be okay.”

“It's okay as long as you watch over me at the same time.”

Minhyuk turned his head now, his lips curved into a smile that calmed me down. “I asked you several times already, but why exactly do you stay with us? There are many other gangs around here.”

“Why, indeed”, I shot back with a tiny grin tugging at my mouth's corners and he huffed. “The easiest explanation would be that you have a house and I don't want to freeze to death like...like Seungkwan.” Again I had to swallow the lump in my throat and I could see the disappointment spark in Minhyuk's eyes. “But that's not all there is.” I knew he deserved a better answer than that. “I'm just not good with words.”

My whole body was fighting against what I wanted to say, my mind screaming at me to stop right there or else everything would only get worse, but why should I give a fuck about my damn mind, it had rarely ever made good decisions after all, why not do the opposite now? At that moment I finally got what being out of one's mind must feel like. If Minhyuk was staying sane due to being around me, I had to be the one going mad in his stead.

But now I think that this isn't necessarily a bad thing.

“Ever since I met you guys I've been trying to avoid you all. There are still things you don't know, things that would change the way you look at me, maybe. Things I don't want you to piece together on your own. And now that I'm no longer avoiding you, I just... I grow anxious. I'm afraid of myself and seeing how warmly you all accepted me, even Jooheon, I don't want to scare you away anymore.” I bit my tongue in a last attempt to silence myself but I got too entangled in my own thoughts to back out. I didn't know what I was saying, the words just flowed out like that. I could feel the outer walls of my mind crumble after months if not years.

I would face things head on. The past, the present and the future. I would play according to new rules – my _own_ rules _._ I would no longer be a puppet but a puppeteer. And I wouldn't do this alone anymore.

“To put it simple, I-I just...I noticed that I m-might actually need you guys to keep going. You and the rest of Monsta X.”

 


	13. Brotherhood is more than good times

Things got awkward between the two of us, hell, that's still a complete understatement. Hyungwon wrapped himself in unbreakable silence, rising to his feet and walking home without ever looking directly at me again and all I could do was follow behind, stunned by his words.

_I noticed that I might actually need you guys to keep going._ Can you imagine how proud I was to have heard him say that? I mean, Chae Hyungwon, mister  _don't-touch-me-unless-you-want-to-die_ , mister  _none-of-your-business_ had said that he fucking needed someone else, that he needed  _us_ . Listening to myself now, I guess you can't imagine it at all, but let me tell you that it was an amazing feeling. The honesty that lit up his eyes back then just couldn't be something my desperate mind had made up. He meant it. He was beginning to trust me.

It was okay that he didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening. It was okay that he didn't find the courage to look any of us in the eye. It was okay that he went to his room earlier than usual. Because I knew what he thought about us on the inside. The others would send me a questioning glance every now and then but I'd just wave it off with an even brighter smile to assure them that everything was fine between the two of us.

I could go to bed without any problems occupying me but it still took me more than half an hour to actually fall asleep as I couldn't stop smiling into the darkness that was surrounding me. I'd be patient like I had always been with him, the thought of not going to Exo's place but to the playground instead becoming less troubling to me since he had said he'd be there as well. I had feared that Exo might come and beat us up for the shit Hyungwon decided to pull off, but the more I thought about it, the more I came to the conclusion that it would work out somehow. He wouldn't have done this if he wasn't confident in his combat skills, so I could relax and let him do whatever he wanted.

Chae Hyungwon was so much more than one might expect at first glance.

So much more.

 

It was the first time I actually looked forward to meeting Exo and I reached the playground a few minutes past five, the sun having almost completely wandered off to shed light on some other continent with only the least bit of red still lighting up the sky. There were several street lamps positioned around the playground and I decided to sit down on the swing, noticing that the sand was frozen due to the cold.

I moved back and forth, just a little bit, with my feet grazing the ground when a familiar figure emerged from the shadows, hands buried in his pockets. I stopped to watch him as he came closer to lean against one of the poles holding the swing, staring at the sun's remains. “Why don't you swing a little higher?” His question caught me off guard and I frowned for a few moments. “I could see you hesitate through the store's window.”

I began to swing a little again, swallowing heavily. “Vertigo.”

Hyungwon turned his head to look at me for the first time since the evening before. “It's not all that high though?”

I could only shrug. “I'm afraid of heights in general, be it one meter or twenty. Don't know the reason, it just happened to be that way.”

Silence surrounded us as it often did and I began humming a quiet melody I had heard on the radio earlier that day. Minutes passed until Hyungwon suddenly curled his hands into fists. “You know, about yesterday-” He interrupted himself, eyes widening for a split second before his signature mask void of emotion was back and his head snapped towards some street corner with cold eyes.

I cocked my head to the side but before I could ask what was wrong, I heard the voices myself. They were here. Two people appeared, stepping into the dim light and I'd almost have cowered at the sight of Chanyeol's long shadow if it weren't for Hyungwon standing right next to me with a slightly bored expression. _Keep your cool, it's just two of them_ , I reminded myself, grinning at the second person I recognized as Joonmyun, their leader. _They really do nothing halfway, sending their leader here_.

I could see Hyungwon frown at the shorter male, obviously having difficulties with categorizing him and I swung forward to jump off the swing with spread arms. “Joonmyun!” My company relaxed a little at my friendly tone of voice that was only half-faked. Exo's leader was a calculating but polite man and I wasn't all that sure if he even knew what his gang mates had done to me every week.

He smiled back at me but before either of us could say anything else, Hyungwon pushed himself off the pole with his hands still buried in his pockets and eyes fixed on Chanyeol's pissed face. “Wanna fight today as well?” He rolled back his shoulders but Joonmyun held his friend back with just a wave of his hand.

“We're not looking for a fight, _right_ Chanyeol?”

Said male visibly clenched his teeth to put on a strained smile that couldn't have been more fake. “Of course not.”

“Aw, I was so looking forward to this.” Hyungwon sounded as though he was pouting but when I turned my head, he still wore that unreadable expression I found rather creepy. He then shrugged with a sigh. “At least tell Lay his punch was good. It could have burst a turtle's shell.”

Chanyeol scrunched up his nose, hands curling into fists. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“It's just a metaphor, but please tell him exactly that so that he won't feel too down because he lost.”

“Whatever, bastard.”

“Language, Chanyeol.” I exchanged a glance with Joonmyun who rolled his eyes before nudging the giant with his elbow. “We brought the money.” I nodded and took the plastic bag out of my backpack while they rummaged around in theirs to get all the bills together when I stepped up to them.

Hyungwon observed everything from behind me in disinterest when Chanyeol pulled me closer all of a sudden, his voice barely more than a hiss. “You should count yourself lucky you have a bodyguard now, you little bitch.”

I licked my lips and huffed when a quiet growl could be heard from his throat. What was he, a dog? “ _You_ should count yourself lucky I don't let him do whatever he wants. There aren't many hospitals around here, it would be rather unpleasant for you, you know?” We exchanged what we held in our hands with our bodies only inches apart as I sent Chanyeol a vicious smirk. He wouldn't scare me anymore. I wasn't alone. I took a step back, then another one, counting the bills in the meantime to make sure everything was alright before nodding. “It's always a pleasure to meet you. Have a safe trip home.”

Joonmyun watched as Chanyeol hesitantly put the flowers away before carefully bowing his head towards us. “The pleasure is all mine. See you next week.”

“I'll be here.”

We watched them as they turned around to leave, their bodies being swallowed by darkness after just a short amount of time and I bit my lower lip until I could be sure they wouldn't hear us anymore before turning towards Hyungwon with sparkling eyes. “Oh my god, did you see that? Did you see their faces? Ha, they were totally scared of you!”

It was only then that I saw him unclench his fists while exhaling. He had been ready to dash forward and fight them the whole time and I couldn't help smiling even brighter. He would have rescued me in case of emergency. “Good thing they took last week to heart”, he muttered with a slow nod of his head and I could see delight in his eyes for once.

“But did you see their _faces_? Ha, Chanyeol was so pissed, wasn't that funny? Wasn't it?” An amused snort escaped Hyungwon's lips and he covered his mouth with one hand but I saw the slight smile tugging at its corners nonetheless. “You know”, I started when I nudged his side, “I think we make a great team.” His eyes suddenly became sort of uncertain and he cleared his throat in a hurry, signalizing me that I had just reminded him of how well we were getting along. “Hey, why are you so-”

“It's about what I said yesterday, I didn't-”

“If it's about that I don't want to hear it.”

“It's just that-”

“I said I don't want to hear it. Whatever you want to say, don't do it. It will ruin everything we have.” I flicked his forehead and he ducked in surprise, staring at me with big eyes. “Don't bluff it out, I know you meant it. Just like I did.”

We started moving towards our house and I eyed the melting snow with disgust before kicking it, sending a bit of slush down the street. Snow was all soft and fun as long as it didn't get too warm, I hated that weird slushy material. When I glanced at Hyungwon I found him looking at the few stars shimmering through the clouds above our heads and he seemed to be lost in thought for the next few minutes until we reached the last corner to turn when he suddenly stopped. I halted my steps as well, the cold wind sending shivers down my spine as I didn't turn back but looked straight ahead.

“Isn't it weird?”, his voice echoed from the nearby houses and I felt the cold creeping up my feet. “I feel like you wouldn't even care if I told you about everything, but that can't be.”

I knew he was talking about his past, but I didn't know how to react to that statement. Was it good because he believed in me or rather bad since he didn't actually think it to be possible? “You won't know until you try.” I kept my eyes fixed on the water that was dripping from a streetlamp, counting the droplets as I waited for another reply. Fifteen, sixteen... sevent-

“Whatever might happen in the future...Thanks for... for still being here now.”

I snapped out of my trance and wanted to turn around when Hyungwon picked up speed again and pushed past me in a hurry, suddenly two steps ahead. He couldn't see how the smile spread on my lips when I followed suit. Everything was going well. I just had to wait for him to realize it. All I needed was time and a little bit of luck.

 

Time goes by so much faster when you have nothing to worry about. It's the same as when you don't have school and enjoy yourselves all summer long: It's over so fast, you don't notice how time flies.

Before I knew it, it was Monday again.

But this Monday was different from the others so far. With me having had Delphinium on Tuesday the week before, I didn't feel the temptation of the blue liquid at all once the bowl was in my hands. I stared at it with a frown. _Then, do I have twenty-four hours more?_ _Maybe I can retard my reaction to the lack of drugs_ , I thought, _I'll take it tomorrow. I could make eight out of seven days I can go without drugs. Maybe even more? And if that works, I might be able to get out of it all._ It would be risky, but why not?

I passed the bowl over to Wonho who took it with an unsure look. “You know what you're doing right now?”, he asked but I could just shoot him a reassuring glance.

“I guess, yeah. I've got a plan.”

“Your _plan_ doesn't involve cold turkey, does it? We tried that before and you were knocked out for two whole days, I don't think I can take this again-”

“Don't worry, no”, I interrupted his babbling with a groan. No, I couldn't stop _now_ , I was too deep into this whole shit to do so. “I just want to test my limits.”

“You don't need to. We're here to do what your limits don't allow you to anyway.”

“Of course.” I nudged his side with a smile. “I wouldn't try if you weren't, I just...I just don't feel like I need any right now. I'll have my dose tomorrow instead.”

Wonho looked at the liquid, his breath rippling the surface before he shot me another glance. “I'll make sure you do.”

He raised the bowl to his mouth and took a swig with me softly patting his shoulder. “I know you will.”

The already drugged Hyungwon, having finished a heated conversation about the past tense form of some English verb with Jooheon, turned to look at me with big eyes. “Lee, you look different these days.”

“Huh?”

“You look different.”

“I got that, but why?”

“You tell me.”

Hyungwon grabbed the hood I had pulled over my head due to the cold before and pushed it back to reveal my white hair with a smile. He looked at it for some time before resting his head on my shoulder while I could just sit there frozen as I always was when he initiated contact. I guess I would never get used to it. “What is different about me?”, I asked quietly when he shifted a little to make himself more comfortable, his cold cheek pressed against my shoulder.

“Your smile”, he whispered, his breath slightly stroking my skin as he was speaking. “You didn't even force it once since we met Exo.”

Goosebumps began to form on my skin and I shivered, causing him to move away to look at me. “That's true. You noticed?”

“There isn't anything Chae Hyungwon doesn't notice”, he insisted with a lopsided smirk and I pulled my hood back up, slinging my arms around myself to keep as much body warmth as I could as I smiled back at him.

“Looks like it.”

“So?” He cocked his head to the side. “Why are you like that?”

The way he looked at me reminded me of the Wednesday the week before, his feelings unmasked and I noticed the curiosity in his eyes. “I'm just happy”, I replied with a shrug. “You were honest with me for once, how can I not be happy about that?”

I shuffled closer to the small fire pit, hoping for its heat to warm my freezing toes a little and I stared at the dancing flames for a moment. When I didn't receive a reply I looked up, finding the spot that was previously occupied by Hyungwon to be empty. I quickly turned my head to Shownu who was sitting a bit further away. “Shownu, where did Hyungwon go?”

Our leader shrugged, nodding towards the tent's entrance. “He went inside just now, don't know why, I thought you had an eye on him?”

I swallowed, shaking my head as I started chewing on my lower lip. Why had he left? I let my eyes wander to the fire once more, the flames getting smaller, their warmth not reaching me anymore and I tried to suppress another shiver when I moved, about to get up to search for Hyungwon.

Then, after a short cold breeze blew through the tent, I felt someone sit down behind me, a pair of hands holding a blanket wrapping around me all of a sudden and I let out a sound of surprise when the arms tightened. My eyes widened and I turned my head, ninety-nine percent sure of who it was when Hyungwon rested his chin on my shoulder from behind. “You should tell us if you're cold”, he mumbled, pretending to be annoyed.

“W-why-”  
“I told you there's nothing I don't notice, Lee.” Again I had to suppress a shiver but it wasn't from the cold, no, it was his tone of voice. He sounded just as teasing as Wonho.

I swallowed, letting out a nervous chuckle when I looked for Shownu's gaze again who actually picked up on the situation but only to eye us with an interested expression. Interested? Great, that meant he had no intention of getting Hyungwon away from me. I switched over to Wonho who was busy defending himself against Changkyun's playful attacks while Kihyun was talking to Jooheon, not even paying attention to any of us. Again no help for me. Yay, thanks for nothing.

I felt the life coming back to my limbs when our body warmth started to accumulate under the blanket while simultaneously being lulled to sleep by the softness and I swallowed once more. “Why didn't you just give the blanket to me? Why so clingy?”

He nuzzled into the crook of my neck with a content hum. “I was cold too.”

“You could have brought two blankets then.”

“Yeah, could have done that.”

I licked my lips in uneasiness, feeling how his embrace made me relax. “But you chose not to.” Again he hummed.

“I like being close to you. It's comforting.” My panic rose with each breath I took. If he remembered doing any of this the next day I wouldn't know how to explain it. I would be dead meat for not stopping him. Or he'd kill himself out of shock, which wouldn't really be the better outcome. However, none of his behavior made actual sense. “Sometimes you make me forget who I really am.”

I stopped squirming and forced myself to lean against his head instead, the dark hair stroking my cheek. “You promised me you wouldn't forget about anything. What would Sangwon say?”

“Right and I'm not breaking that promise.” Jooheon finally looked up from his talk with Kihyun and I'd never have thought that his eyes could become that big in such a short amount of time. I sent him a pleading look and could practically see the gears grinding in his head. Hyungwon clicked his tongue before sighing. “I'm not forgetting about him. Only about my shitty situation.”

“Shitty? You said you liked being around us-”

“I'm not talking about Monsta X here.”

Too bad it was at that very moment Jooheon decided to 'help' me and I couldn't get Hyungwon to elaborate further on his problem. “Wonho, looks like your ex-wife found a new man. Jealous?”

Said male immediately forced Changkyun off of himself and ran a hand through his hair before looking at me – or rather the weird pile Hyungwon and I were forming. I brought a hand up to bury my face in it with a sigh. What had I gotten myself into?

Wonho seemed to prepare to say something but much to my surprise Hyungwon beat him to it. “I'm not his 'new man'”, he muttered with his teeth clenched. “I couldn't do something like that. But we were both cold, so I-”

“Something like that? What's with that attitude?”, Wonho interrupted. “Other than me since he's kind of my ex, nobody would mind.”

“I would”, he insisted and I couldn't even tell what exactly they were arguing about anymore.

“Hyungwon, do you by any chance-”

“He was cold. I was cold”, Hyungwon stated as a matter of fact, tightening his grasp again. “This was faster than just giving him a blanket.” _Oh, wasn't it 'I like being close to you' just moments ago?_

“Sure.” Wonho smirked and raised a brow before glancing at Jooheon with a sigh. “You're right, I'm really jealous. Look at that connection they have, isn't it unsettling how close they've gotten, like, literally?”

Jooheon nodded while Hyungwon let out a huff. “I told you I just-”

“Okay, stop”, I interfered, forcing him to let go of me as I stood up to take a step to the side but I couldn't bring myself to overhear the pleading wince that escaped his lips. “Thanks but I think I'll just go to bed since I got rather sleepy.”

I swallowed and looked at Shownu who nodded in understanding before I bowed slightly and escaped into the house, closing the door once I had made it to my room.

“He's getting weirder every week”, I whispered, the words remaining in the pitch black room as I took controlled breaths to slow my heartbeat down. _Sometimes you make me forget who I really am._ “He's getting weirder every week.” I licked my lips and let my fingers graze the left side of my neck where his chin had been resting just a minute ago. Then I let my head fall back, a wooden clunk emitting when it hit the thick door and I groaned. “It's just him, right?”

 

Some time later – it might have been minutes, it might have been hours – when I was lying on my bed, buried in blankets and staring at the ceiling, my ears picked up on a quiet creak. Someone was coming up the stairs. And since I knew how to differentiate between all the Monsta X members' steps after years of living in their company, being unable to categorize these I still knew who it was.

“Lee? Hey, Lee Minhyuk?”, Hyungwon's voice, hoarse as though he was sleepy, could be heard and I exhaled, considering my options carefully before inhaling again.

“Hm?”

A sound of surprise escaped the other's mouth and he shut the door behind him, crouching down next to the bed. I turned my head to the side – which was a grave mistake as his face was only inches away from mine – and shifted back to give myself more space. “Wonho is such a meanie.”

_Excuse me?_ “A what?”

“A meanie”, Hyungwon repeated with a pout when he crossed his arms on the mattress to rest his head on top. “I just didn't want you to freeze and he's all tease and smile.”

I sighed. “I know, freezing is a sensitive topic, isn't it? Ever since you found out about that guy from Seventeen?” He nodded and I could see him close his eyes even in the almost blinding darkness. “Thanks for worrying, I'm okay.”

“Sure you are. I'm looking out for you after all”, he retorted confidently, having me raise a brow.

“Oh, so you actually are?”

“Hey, if it weren't for me, you think Exo would have left without beating you up? Please, just look at you, you wouldn't have stood a chance.”

“For some time I wasn't sure if you would actually help me if they decided to go for it.”

A short pause emitted and I listened to him taking a few quiet breaths before a whisper, barely audible, could be heard. “Of course I would.” He straightened his back and a slender hand stroked the fringe out of my face before resting at the back of my neck. “Don't ever doubt me again.”

His face was all serious, it was funny how quick he was to change his attitude depending on our topic and I smirked. “Aren't _you_ the one who told me he didn't want to rely on anyone?”

“I tried that”, he hissed. “I tried, but it didn't work because Wonho showed me how weak that was.” He pulled me closer against my will, having me struggle in surprise when I collided with his chest. “Now I'm different. You gave me so many chances, I decided t-to- Well...no. My mind always tells me I'm doing the wrong things, you know, but I stopped caring about that just recently. And you know why I stopped caring? 'I want to move on. I don't want to hurt anyone', that's what I thought. So I shut my mind down.” Hyungwon didn't look away, not even for a second, careful not to miss any reaction I might give him. “I didn't want you to think that I hate you after all you've done for me.”

My lips went dry and I swallowed, pushing him away while pulling the blanket up to my chin as if to hide from his piercing gaze. “I'd never think that. I know we might all be a little overwhelming, so I didn't take it to heart when you were insecure. But it's a good thing you changed a little. Change is good.”

“Yeah, change is good. Time will heal is what they say, right?” Again he stopped for a moment before he drew himself up, stretching his back while looking out of the window. “I figured it's not just time but also the people you surround yourself with.” With his gaze no longer on me, I felt my heartbeat slow down though a pleasant warmth spread in my chest. This was the part of Chae I liked the most: Slightly philosophic, but one hundred percent honest.

“So you think you can heal from now on?”, I asked, feeling my eyelids grow a little heavy when he turned to look at me again.

“I won't ever heal. But I'll keep going thanks to you.”

We stayed quiet for a very long time after that and I tried to keep my eyes open, but dream and reality were getting mixed up and all I know is that at some point Hyungwon bowed down, his face hovering right above mine for an unknown amount of time. “I will protect Monsta X. I'll get us out of this. I promise I will.” I don't know if it was dream or reality, but I felt like there was something softly stroking my cheek before I completely lost consciousness and drifted off into sleep.

 

The next morning didn't bring me any problems. When I woke up, I was alone in my room – I checked to be sure Hyungwon had slept in his own bed after I had fallen asleep. I felt my limbs itch every now and then as if there was too much blood circulating through my veins after a long run and I knew it had to be the lack of Delphinium. Those usually were my Monday symptoms, everything was okay, I'd just take my drugs in the afternoon and it would be fine.

Wonho was busy getting ready for work, leaning against the kitchen counter while downing his coffee and reading the newspaper simultaneously. “I'll come home early and take care of you”, he whispered between two swigs and I just gave him a curt nod as I poured some milk over my cereal and sat down in the living room, turning the radio on. Maybe I fell asleep again, but it certainly didn't take long until Hyungwon woke up and came down the stairs. I don't know why but when we locked gazes he didn't seem all that closed up and defensive, he just cocked his head to the side with sleepy eyes. “Slept well?”

“Uh, yes, I guess. You?”, I stuttered, reminding myself that this wasn't Chae anymore but Hyungwon.

“Last week was a lot better, but, uhm-” He averted his gaze, avoiding mine all of a sudden. “It was okay, yeah. Did you have your share yesterday? You know, since last week was a little chaotic.”

His voice seemed to contain a spark of warmth but I put it off as pure imagination when I saw his bored expression and cleared my throat with an embarrassed chuckle. “Well, about that, I guess, I might have skipped again.” His head snapped towards me, eyes widening for a split second before he got himself under control again. “I'll take it in the afternoon, Wonho said he'll be home early, don't worry.”

Hyungwon clenched and unclenched his fist before turning towards the kitchen with a huff. “Who said I was worrying? You? I certainly didn't.”

I closed my eyes as a sigh escaped my lips, blood audibly rushing through my ears. Right, Hyungwon wouldn't admit to being worried or scared of anything if he wasn't on drugs. But Chae was still a part of him and that's how I knew what he was thinking, at least partially. _Who said I was worrying? I certainly didn't._ Well, after yesterday, I could say that he _had_ made it clear by looking out for me. I felt a warm feeling spread in my chest and a smile stole its way up to my lips. _Now all I have to do is bring Chae and Hyungwon closer together._ Which was more difficult than expected.

 

________________

 

It was a calm day. Surprisingly calm. Too calm. There was nobody sleeping next to me in the morning, nobody invading my personal space and nobody threatening to kill me either. Call me an idiot but I was actually a little offended. Had they all given up? I would never admit it to him, but I kind of missed Minhyuk's chatter as well.

I got home from an unspectacular day of work around five in the evening, knocking on our door to have Jooheon let me in. “Where's Minhyuk?” I had feared he might have had a breakdown throughout the whole day and yes, I seemed to be worried.

“Nice to see you too, bastard”, the younger shot back with a roll of his eyes.

“Ah, sorry, I-”

“So Minhyuk really did get himself a new man, I can't believe it.” My blood ran cold, practically freezing in my veins.

“W-what?”

“Ah, nothing, I was joking, but it's just funny how the two of you are getting along now, you're practically inseparable. Yesterday I just said that to-”

“ _I said I don't want to!_ ”

Jooheon and I flinched at the loud scream coming from upstairs and looked at each other. That was definitely Minhyuk's voice. “What's going on?” He took a deep breath, clicking with his tongue as if he wasn't sure whether to tell me or not and I narrowed my eyes. “Jooheon, what's happening?”

“So, uhm, he skipped again. The drugs, I mean.”

“I know, he told me in the morning, promised to take some today though. Did he lie, is he refusing now?”

“No, that's not the point-”

“I won't, so _let go_!”, Minhyuk's voice hollered, followed by someone quietly talking back.

Jooheon buried his hands in his pockets when I bent down to untie my shoes in a hurry. “Wonho usually takes care of him but it's weird. Minhyuk had his drugs about an hour ago but he just won't calm down. I think they're fighting over whether he's going to rest or not. No big topic.”

“ _I won't until he's home_!” The wrath in Minhyuk's voice gave me goosebumps. Something told me to let him be but another voice, a new one, whispered to me at the same time. _It's his problem, leave him be. And it's not even important._

_He must be suffering..._

_And? Still his problem, he just shouldn't have skipped, so what?_

_Can't I do anything to help him?_

I shook my head and rolled my shoulders back. “I'll go check on them. You go ahead and start on the English stuff.”

“After last Tuesday you still-” A loud thump interrupted Jooheon's statement and I directed my gaze towards the staircase with determination.

“I'm gonna be fine, I just want to make sure they're not killing each other”, I mumbled, not knowing if it was more to myself or to the guy leaning against the door frame when I walked upstairs. I peeked through a slit in the door, not sure of what to expect with Wonho and a drugged Minhyuk in one room, but I certainly _didn't_ expect the white-haired to pin the blond against the wardrobe with a gaze so intense it could have killed him. _I'm gonna be fine_ , I repeated over and over again, slowly pushing the door open.

Wonho's eyes immediately darted towards me and a casual smirk appeared on his face while his hands tried to find an opening in Minhyuk's iron grip. “Oh, welcome back. How was your day?” _Playing it down, huh?_

“More relaxed than yours it seems”, I retorted with my head cocked to the side, watching in awe when Minhyuk immediately stopped fighting Wonho at the sound of my voice and turned to smile at me.

“Chae!”

“It's Chae Hyungwon.”

“Whatever!” He let go of the blond and jumped up to me, trying to wrap his arms around my shoulders but I was quick to push him away at arm's length.

“I told you you couldn't run to Hyungwon whenever you want something”, Wonho said with a harsh voice as he scanned me in worry, maybe even looking for a way to get Minhyuk off of me, before meeting my gaze with a little bit of despair. Was even Wonho helpless against Minhyuk? Now that was a surprise, he always knew what to do, didn't he?

“I don't care what you say, Hyungwon is the one who protects me now, I don't need you anymore.”

“Woah, hold up there”, I hissed before I could think things through. What the fuck was he saying? And what was I doing here? Hell, acting on impulse wasn't my strength, especially not in the presence of someone with the mindset of a child. “What did you just say?”

Minhyuk glanced up at me with sparkling eyes. “You protected me from Exo twice already, you even promised to protect Monsta X only yesterday!” _I did_? “So I don't need Wonho anymore.” My eye twitched a little when a long forgotten memory resurfaced.

_'I don't need to listen to them,_ you're _my commander, why should we even-'_

_I still have higher-ups, I'm not the only one you need to obey. You think I'm in total power? Like hell I am!_

_'I just said your idea was better. You promised you'd get us through this, so why-'_

_What does a promise mean when they point a gun at your head?! It's a grave mistake to object_ anything _they say. You want to listen to turtle's orders only? Fine, turtle will give you an order so listen closely: Do as_ they _tell you too or I_ promise _I'll be the one receiving the order to kill you in no time. And I can also promise I won't disobey._

I glanced up to find pain in Wonho's eyes as he observed Minhyuk while chewing on his lower lip. “Minhyuk, you know, Hyungwon can't always-”

I shook my head, interrupting whatever Wonho was going to say, the memory still in mind. “So what if I promised? How much can that be worth if I'm not around?”, I asked with barely controlled anger, watching Minhyuk's expression turn into one of shock. “Do you think one person is enough to protect you? I just got home and you would have been on your own until then if it wasn't for Wonho.”

“Ch-chae, why are you-”

“It's Hyungwon”, I insisted to have him get rid of that weird habit of calling me by my surname on drugs. It was the same as turtle and I was beginning to hate it. I disliked my own surname after everything I had done to keep it, what was wrong with me? “And I wasn't done yet, hear me out. You know me for a little more than one month now, right?” Minhyuk nodded with a frown. “I don't think I can grasp you half as good as Wonho. He knows what's best for you.”

“Then why should I listen to him when you're here _now_ , I don't-”

“You _always_ need to listen to what your friends have to say!”, I barked, forcing myself to calm down with each breath I took. _He doesn't know what he's saying. I can't blame him._ _This is a thing of_ my _past, not his._ “Don't you ever say otherwise again. This is not about who you want to surround yourself with, it's about who is worrying about you and there's a lot of people like that here. Six in total. Wonho is your best friend, isn't he?” Minhyuk stopped for a moment before nodding and I let go of his shoulders. “Then act like he is. Your best friend is the person you should respect the most, more than anyone. Look at him, see how much he worries about you and apologize for the trouble you've caused.”

“I didn't mean to aggravate him or-”

“Don't tell _me._ ”

The shorter male cowered under my unwavering glare, fidgeting with his hands before turning to look at Wonho. “I'm...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you like that.”

The blond managed to regain his composure, staring back at us with calculating eyes and I knew he was analyzing every last bit of out conversation. “It would be nice if you listened to me every now and then, it's for your own good”, he mumbled and Minhyuk bit his lip with a nod. “Now do me a favor and go to bed like I told you before, will you?”

“But Cha- Hyungwon just-”

“Minhyuk”, I cut him off with a cold voice and he clenched his teeth, lowering his head before trudging over to his bed and sitting down.

“I'll forget it all once I close my eyes”, he breathed with a sad expression and seeing him pout like this had me sigh. I massaged my temples before signalizing Wonho to follow me out of the room.

“I'll be back in no time just stay where you are, please.”

 

“Okay, there's some serious shit going on with the two of you.”

I turned to raise a brow at Wonho who was standing a meter away from me with crossed arms. “The two of us? Well, ex _cuse_ me, I didn't _want_ that clingy puppy to only listen to me, okay?”

“But why is it like that? He was fine before you got here.”

I felt my chest tighten and clenched my hands to fists. “So you say if I wasn't here everything would be okay? You want me to leave?”

Wonho frowned before he understood the ambiguity of his own utterance, softening his voice right away. “No, that's not what I meant, I'm just wondering why he chose you.” He sighed and took a step towards me but I didn't budge even when he leaned closer to my ear. “And why you're letting him, that's the interesting part.”

I had noticed how he would test my tolerance and patience throughout the whole week and I was starting to get used to it. As long as he didn't touch me I could deal with him by now and if he did, I could simply take him down in one go. At least I believed I could, it hadn't gotten this far yet.

“Someone has to look out for him in that state. And since he doesn't accept anyone else I don't have much of a choice. I might be an asshole to many but I know where to stop.” Unable to take the close proximity any longer goosebumps formed on my skin and I stiffened, which was signal enough for Wonho to take a step back. “Just like you do.” I wrapped my arms around myself to suppress any more shivers.

“Oh, I was caught”, Wonho grinned bashfully as he shrugged and buried his hands in his hoodie's pocket with another step back. “Looks like I lost my wife to you then. Take care of him, I'll call you once dinner is ready.”

“He got the divorce on the day he got to know you, don't flatter yourself. And don't you dare do the cooking, I heard your food tastes horrible.”

He sighed before turning to go downstairs. “You think I wanna die? Hell no, not even Changkyun survives my food.” He shot me a last playful glance and a wink. “I know where to stop.”

 

Minhyuk was resisting the urge to jump up and run towards me, I could see it in his eyes. “What is it? Why all that uproar?”, I asked maintaining a distance of about two meters from him with my hands buried in my pockets.

He licked his lips and swallowed. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Why?”

“Wonho told me to go to bed but I'd forget everything again, I can feel how the blinds are being lowered already, it will be gone for another week!”

“Blinds? Another week? What are you-”

“My memories, Ch- H-hyungwon!” Our eyes met again and he looked so desperate to make me stay I couldn't just leave, sitting down at the opposite end of the bed.

“Tell me.”

Minhyuk smiled even though it was just for a moment, his expression soon turning into a hurt and painful one. “There aren't many things I see, they are all in complete chaos and I can't tell what happens first and why it does, I-”

“Take a deep breath”, I ordered with a calm voice. Back when I was at the military there hadn't been one day I didn't see a traumatized soldier and Minhyuk didn't seem to be far from that. “Just what are the things you see? The locations?”

He tried to even out his erratic breathing but it got harder by the second when tears began to form in his eyes. “Blood surrounding a person. So much blood it almost seems black. And a breathtaking view. I don't know where, it is a tall building or something like that. I'm looking down...” His voice trailed off at some point and I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to grasp the scene he was describing.

“Who is the person?”

“It wasn't my fault!” Minhyuk clutched at his head and drew his legs up to his chin.

“Yes, but who is it?”

A few quiet whines escaped his trembling lips and he began rocking back and forth. “M-my... My m-mother.”

Tears rolled down his cheeks and I overcame my walls of defense for him yet again by shuffling closer and letting him throw himself against my chest, the sobs becoming more audible. “Did she fall from the building?”, I whispered between two deep breaths. The tests Wonho had performed on me were actually helping, how did that bastard always seem to know what the future holds?

Minhyuk shook his head a little, the slender fingers clawing at my shirt. “She did it h-herself.”

“She jumped.” This time, he nodded. “Do you remember why?”

“It wasn't my fault!”

“I know, you said that before and-”

“It wasn't me!” The more he said it the less I could bring myself to believe him. Denial was one hell of a defense mechanism and it looked like not even Delphinium could open the box it formed around his memories. “I said I didn't mean it, Mom, please”, he winced and I forced him away from me to move and rest my back against the wall. I didn't even have to say anything because once I had made myself comfortable he lay down with his head on my thigh, still trembling with unceasing shivers.

“Let her go. Forget about it.” Just like the week before, I would run my hand through his hair until he calmed down. Just like the week before he'd fall asleep in my presence, but that day I left when it was time for dinner. If something were to wake him up he'd call for me anyway. I didn't tell the others what I had talked to Minhyuk about, something told me I shouldn't bother them with his trauma. I'd figure things out by myself.

Just like the week before everybody was confused that he had listened to me.

Because, once again, I had performed a miracle.

 

Things weren't half as complicated as I had feared them to be. Minhyuk woke up without any memory of what had happened, of course, and again nobody told him about anything that had happened. I would never get any further than to the point where he told me that his mother had jumped from the building on her own accord. He knew the reason, but he didn't tell me and I didn't pressure him.

Because we finally found a rhythm to live our lives together; all seven of us.

Every week would be the same. I took Delphinium on Monday, accompanied Minhyuk to Seventeen on Wednesday, protected him from Exo on Thursday and was the one to lull him to sleep whenever he had to take drugs for his own good. Of course he would continue to delay his dose of Delphinium over the weeks and it got to the point where I wouldn't question him anymore. I knew when to be home early to support him, but he never knew it was me since he'd forget anyway, he kept thinking it was Wonho.

Believe it or not, this cycle was repeated for a whole month.

The week after the argument with Wonho, Minhyuk would talk to me about how his mother looked or what he could remember, resulting in another crying fit of his.

The week after that, he voluntarily lay down with me crouching next to the bed instead of making me his pillow, but he insisted on holding my hand that turned cold at the thought, but I obeyed nonetheless. Minhyuk wasn't himself, he was but a lost little boy trying to hold onto anything he could find. His utterances often reminded me of Sangwon and what he had said in his sleep and I couldn't bring myself to object whenever he asked me to do something. Just before he fell asleep, he mumbled something like “I got you. Don't let go”, but his breathing became even before I could ask him about it.

In the meantime, whenever we were out to deal, be it with Seventeen or Exo, I felt my fingers itch as though they were trying to make me reach out for the flowers – trying to make me take them for myself. It had to be the addiction getting worse and I used all of my self-restraint to stay next to Minhyuk instead of the bowl of blue liquid.

Then, the next week I took care of him – it was a Thursday – he'd poke my side until I got annoyed and snapped at him, asking what he was doing. In reply he grabbed my sweater and lifted it to reveal the numbers I had so often managed to forget about these days. “It hurt when you got this, right?”, Minhyuk asked with big eyes. “Wonho said tattoos hurt.”

“It hurts more now than when I got it tattooed.” I bit the inside of my cheek, trying to pull the cloth back over the exposed skin but he kept his cold hand pressed against it, tracing the ink with his index finger. 041394. I clenched my teeth and grabbed his wrist with a shake of my head. “Stop this.”

“What happened that you-”

“I'm not going to talk about my biggest mistake.”

“It's not all that big, it's just a bunch numbers”, Minhyuk insisted and I got up from the bed, unable to take it anymore but he grabbed my hand just in time. “Don't. Don't go.” I could see how there were tiny tears forming in his eyes. “You might not be coming back! Don't go, please, Hyungwon.”

A sigh escaped my lips. “I'm not your mother. There's nowhere I could go anyway, how often did I tell you now? My past is too complex, you wouldn't understand.”

“But-” His voice cracked and he tugged on my hand, having me turn around with a swallow. “Don't run away from me. I just want to know you more, is that... Is that bad?”

“Don't pry into other people's business, it's not good for you.”

“But I'm your friend! Aren't I?”

“Sure you are”, I whispered with my eyes directed towards the ground. He had made me realize that for the past weeks, I couldn't deny that we had somewhat become that thing you'd call friends. “And that's exactly why I'd like you to stop asking.”

And you know what Minhyuk did? He gave in. “Oh...Then...just tell me when you're ready? But stay in exchange, will you?” He just stopped asking then, knowing that any other reaction would have caused me to go. So I stayed.

And a few more days passed.

 

________________

 

It felt weird to have some kind of routine develop between Hyungwon and the rest of us. He just adapted to our timetables without needing us to ask for it and some strange chemistry was the result. But that didn't make the week easier at all, because every Monday, every time Hyungwon got high, I was faced with a Chae who was more clingy than the week before.

The week after his 'share-a-blanket'-plan, he wouldn't leave my side anymore not even while talking to someone else. His fingers would always remain curled around my upper arm and when I asked him about it he would just shrug and reply with a simple: “I need to know where you are to protect you.”

The week after that, he fell asleep while sprawled out on my and Jooheon's lap in just a matter of seconds, we didn't get to see a lot of Chae that day. I got worried when we met up with Seventeen and the others. Hyungwon seemed to be a little troubled, spacing out every now and then and I noticed how he licked his lips when his eyes followed the flowers and later the bowl that was passed around as well.

When I asked him if something was wrong, he just waved it off with the indication of a reassuring smile on his lips and all I could do was observe him until we got to go home. I knew he was having a hard time due to the gases circulating in the subway, it had to be the Delphinium stimulating his nerves and daring him to have some more. Not that I'd ever let him.

On Monday I was just talking to Shownu about how we could expand the Clan's network even more when Hyungwon loosely wrapped his arms around my shoulders from behind all of a sudden. My sentence was interrupted because he pulled me towards him and hooked his chin into the crook of my neck. “Hyungwon, what-”

“I told you it's Chae. That's shorter.” I licked my lips. He'd always correct me when I called him by his first name and every time he did, I felt like the gap between Hyungwon and Chae was widening, so I tried to stick with Hyungwon nonetheless.

“I know your surname is important to you, but it's so impersonal”, I retorted with a whine. “Don't you have another nickname or anything?”

He fell silent and I picked up my conversation with Shownu again. It took another five minutes of him clinging to me like a leech until his voice made the skin at my neck vibrate again. “They called me turtle before.”

“Turtle? Who did?”, I uttered in surprise, turning my head to catch a glimpse of his expression but it was impossible.

“That's not important.”

“You want me to call you turtle then?” Thinking about it, that nickname was quite fitting: Turtles have hard and thick shells that aren't easy to break, protecting their true selves from any possible threat, and they move slowly; so slow you must be patient with them. Yeah, Hyungwon definitely seemed to be a turtle, I could get used to-

“No.”

His hands that had slid down to my sides clawed at the thick fabric my sweater was made of and his voice sounded like the hiss of a snake.

“No, don't do that. It all went wrong then.”

“It? What is that, what happened?” He shook his head, nuzzling further into my neck without giving me a reply and I felt like this time he'd remain quiet. “So you don't have a nickname I could use?” Again he shook his head and I swallowed before sighing. “Then I'll keep going with Hyungwon, Chae is too distant since we're friends.”

He sighed and I felt his hair tickle my neck when he raised his head and uncurled his fingers. “Friends?”

“You know we are, right?”

“O-of course w-we are!” He shifted to rest his head on my thigh like the week before and played with my hand for a moment, counting the fingers as if to check if they were all still there before intertwining them with his. “Friends.” Did I hear sadness in his quiet voice as he said that? Did I see regret in his eyes as he kept staring at our hands? _He might be thinking about something from his past right now, maybe he's just sad about how he lost Sangwon again._ “Don't worry”, he muttered, his voice nothing more than a whisper. “I won't let go.”

“What? You won't let go?”, I asked but he just turned his head to stare at the dying flames in silence and I could feel the warmth of his hand being transmitted to mine when he tightened his grasp. I sighed, lightly squeezing back. “Whatever. Me neither.”

We both left it at that and I could continue my conversations with Shownu and Kihyun until all of us grew sleepy and tired, the drugs making it much easier for the others to relax and I glanced at Hyungwon on my lap who had his eyes closed with a serene smile I wouldn't get to see when he was awake. It was one those little things that made me keep trying to go without Delphinium on Mondays.

He had fallen asleep long before the others and I combed his dark hair with my free hand, a smile tugging at my mouth's corners as well. It was one of the things that made the weird headaches and shivers I got shortly before taking my dose worth it. Somehow, seeing him at ease made it all so much easier. It was different from the other guys – sure, when Wonho, Jooheon or anybody else was smiling, I was happy; when Hyungwon was smiling, I felt my heart swell. He liked being around me, even if he showed it in a very clingy and cheesy way, it was okay.

“Thursday is my next dose”, I mumbled more to myself than to him. “When we're back from the playground.”

It wasn't until much much later that I discovered how I had asked him about his tattoo that Thursday but it's not like it changed a lot. I knew he was getting weirder with every week but I didn't know what _I_ did on drugs since nobody would tell me if I asked.

They led me to believe that Wonho took care of me since he'd be the one to give me the flowers. Little did I know that it was always Hyungwon who would stay by my side until I'd fall asleep. But when I found out, again much much later, I felt like I should have known and I was glad.

I was glad he'd stay even if I was unpredictable. I was glad he'd stay to support me. I was just glad he'd stay.

It felt like an unspoken promise we made each other.

What goes around, comes around.

Stay with me and I'll stay with you.

But then, this little shiny snow globe we were in shattered. And it all happened because I wasn't there for once.

Only once.

 


	14. Safety is but an illusion of glass

One might not have thought it to be possible, I certainly didn't, but I felt better with every week. Minhyuk would always tell me how much he enjoyed being around me and the more time I spent just calming his drugged self and talking to him, the more I started to share his opinion. He respected my privacy, but he still found topics to discuss with me anyway, not giving silence a single chance.

As much as I hate to admit it Minhyuk was growing dear to me and I'd soon find myself waiting for work to end so that I could get home quickly and listen to the things he and the other guys had to share.

For that moment everything was perfect.

But it was, like I said, just a moment.

And like every moment, it had to pass.

The day Minhyuk asked about my tattoo was the day my nightmares began to get worse again and I happened to wake up several times at night, drenched in sweat and with all kinds of alarms going off in my head. I didn't get enough sleep anymore but tried not to let it show. I repressed every memory that tried to resurface. If I didn't think about it, it would just go away; or so I thought.

Minhyuk had to hand out drugs on Sunday, meeting up with the dealers who would then forward the flowers to the customers they had in their respective regions, which is why I was left without my white-haired superball. Since he'd be out longer than usual due to a discussion he had to have, we – Jooheon, Shownu and I – were responsible for picking up our proper share of drugs at Shownu's uncle's shop.

We were almost there, it was around noon, when I heard the two vehicles, stopping with big eyes. “Guys, we should hide, there are officers coming.” Jooheon wanted to ask something, furrowing his brows but Shownu seemed to be rather worried, motioning us to move forward quickly. “Why are they here?”, I asked between two big steps and our gang's leader glanced at me.

“It's once every four or five months in this area”, he began breathlessly while rounding another corner. “They check the stores and everything for possible signs of a riot.”

Something clicked in my mind and I took a few controlled breaths to calm down from the quick jog when we slowed down. I had heard about that before, but it hadn't been my department so I didn't know about the exact procedure. Another thing came to my mind. “The flowers.”

“They mustn't find them”, Shownu insisted with a firm nod, opening the door to our destination to be greeted with a cheerful 'hello' by his uncle. “Officers. They're going around again.”

The older man's cheerful expression turned into an annoyed yet serious one. “Gosh, give me a break. Where are they now?”

I glanced through the dirty window with narrowed eyes. “Seems like they only just got here, the cars seemed to be rather far away. If they check another shop first we have twenty minutes, maybe twenty-five.”

I met Shownu's gaze who smirked a little to lighten up the atmosphere. “Time to keep that oath you made when you were affiliated.” I took a deep breath before bowing my head.

Jooheon just observed our faces, nodding in agreement. “Then let's go.”

 

They had things planned out for these cases, I found out soon enough as Shownu and Jooheon headed to the basement where methodical rustling hinted at a systematic procedure. I glanced at Shownu's uncle who signaled me to go after them and walked down the old wooden stairs, not knowing what would await me there.

The sight caused me to forget how to breathe for a moment, I hadn't expected this: The cellar was much wider than expected and there were many rows of tables above which weird lamps were hanging. On the tables there were boxes of potting compost and I could make out the thin green stems of what I classified as Delphinium.

So this was it: The basement the whole Clan lived from.

I strode through the rows of tables while Shownu and Jooheon were rummaging around at the sides and let my fingers graze the brown soil in fascination. The lamps were giving off a certain warmth and the air was humid to create an atmosphere the plants would grow in. There was a plastic bag on an otherwise empty table and I didn't even have to look to know that these were the flowers Shownu's uncle had prepared for us to take beforehand. The finished product.

The sweet scent reached my nostrils, mixed with a bit of the salty air like you'd smell it at a coastline and I reached out with my hand to wrap my fingers around one of the fragile stems, taking a single flower out of the bag. It was beautiful, all those little details you could see from up close, the little capillaries traversing each petal like veins and the dainty short hairy structures making the stem softer to the touch. I inhaled the scent once more, it smelled so good, almost as good as it tasted...

“Hyungwon, don't stand around, help me move this!” Jooheon's voice hauled me out of my trance and I hid the flower in my hoodie's pocket out of reflex like a kid that was caught stealing a cookie. I don't know why I didn't just put it back to where I had taken it from, I felt like I couldn't let it go that easily. I had to keep it for myself somehow.

I turned around in a hurry and took in the atmosphere of the drug cellar again before walking up to the younger male. “What are we going to do about all this? They'll know what it is the moment they see it”, I mentioned with another glance at the growing flowers, hands playing with the one in my front pocket.

“That's why they mustn't see it”, Shownu retorted as a matter of fact, pointing at something on the ground I recognized as a small furrow. He then knocked the back of his hand against a weird plaster-like panel. “We can move this to form an artificial wall. I'll fix it from the other side while you go get some boxes and stuff to put in front of it. The room has to look like it's being used as a storage room or something like that. Jooheon knows how.”

My eyes darted around the room, watching as Shownu put the first panel in place. “So you'll be locked in the flower part?”

“There's another way out through one of the abandoned buildings to allow the air to circulate, I'll head out once I know everything's good here.”

The three of us nodded in unison and I began to help with aligning the panels until they formed a neat and seemingly sturdy wall, fixed to their positions by a long rubber sealing and I examined the result in admiration.

“It's a simple yet effective way to hide the stuff”, I mumbled to Jooheon who banged his fist against the wall to make sure it wouldn't budge. “Impressive.”

“Uncle has done this with Shownu for several years, of course it's effective”, he retorted before pointing towards a gigantic pile of cardboard boxes. “Let's go, we need to make this look like a normal basement.”

Again I nodded, taking a deep breath. “The more chaos the better?”

“It has to look like _organized_ chaos”, Jooheon retorted and I actually managed to smirk at him.

“Say no more, I got this.”

 

It had been twenty minutes since our arrival at the shop, the officers could get there at any moment and Jooheon and I were sitting upstairs at the back of the store, resting our feet on the table. We had practically taken every box we could find upstairs and carried them down into the basement so that now it looked like a stockroom instead of a drug cellar.

I chewed on my bottom lip, afraid of possibly being confronted with the army again, while Jooheon let his arms dangle from his sides with a deep sigh. “Thank God it was the three of us, it would've been fatal if it was just Shownu.” I hummed in agreement, burying my hands in my pocket when something thin touching my right hand had me freeze.

I had completely forgotten about the flower I had put there due to the previous stress but with the reminder came the memory of the sweet scent and the trance it had put me in. I swallowed, stroking the soft petals before my fingers plucked one of them on their own accord. It was so easy and I kept holding it between my right hand's index finger and thumb.

I then used my other hand and pulled the flower out of my pocket. It looked so beautiful, I wished I could just become one of these flowers, that's all I could think of. Fragile but beautiful and making others happy through their sacrifice, it was an easy life.

Jooheon cocked his ears when harsh voices sounded from the outside and he glanced at me wanting to say something when he stopped with panic in his eyes. “Hyungwon, why do you have that?”, he hissed and I blinked, ripped from my trance yet again.

“Huh? Oh, this...” I licked my lips, twisting the stem between my fingers until Jooheon snatched it from me with a growl and put it down on the table.

“They mustn't see it, they're already suspicious enough. Hide it.” I nodded absentmindedly and he got up, stretching his back. “Let's go outside, maybe the old man needs our help to get rid of them.”

“I don't like officers”, I groaned, still playing with the petal I had plucked before in my pocket, hidden from Jooheon's eyes. The other glared at me until I sighed. “Fine. I'll follow you out in a second, you go first. I'll just get rid of the flower.” He stared at me for another three seconds before averting his eyes and walking towards the entrance at the front, leaving me alone in the room.

Once I could be sure he'd remain gone, my left hand reached out for the flower again and I took the other hand out of my pocket to examine the petal. _Minhyuk only had three of them and was knocked out for about seven hours_ , I recalled with that new voice nagging at the back of my mind at the same time.

_They surely won't mind if you had a bit beforehand. It's already Sunday anyway, don't you miss that bittersweet taste?_

“Sure I do, but what would the others say? They'd be disappointed. And we're in a difficult situation right now”, I mumbled, able to make out my friends' voices mixing with new ones, ones that had a heavy Chinese accent. I knew my intense reaction to the flower was due to my countless bad dreams. I needed positive compensation for them and my mind was trying hard to convince me. I swallowed and shook my head with a whisper. “I'm not that weak.” I said that, but I felt my defenses being lowered anyway.

_This isn't a question of weakness, turtle, it's about being happy. You want to be happy, right?_

“I'm not turtle though. Not anymore.” It felt weird to have a conversation with myself in this dimly lit room, but at the same time it was somewhat calming and I glanced at the flower once more. “I can be happy tomorrow. Minhyuk will-”

_What can he say if he's not here though? He won't even know. Just one petal, that's about two hours, right?_

“...Just one?”

_Exactly, just one. Two hours of happiness, how does that sound? Two hours of not having to worry about a thing. Look, you plucked it already, it would go to waste anyway._

“Right...” I could hear the voices outside, heard how they got a little louder due to some heated discussion, but it didn't faze me. All I could focus on was that wicked blue flower petal and I moved it closer to my mouth. “How bad a thing can happen if I stay back here anyway?”, I asked myself, my tongue darting forward to lick the petal off of my finger and the taste exploded in my mouth only an instant later. “What could possibly happen?”

I lost myself, everything went dark, at least according to my memory, but sadly this wasn't what actually happened then.

If only I had just passed out then.

If only I hadn't listened to what my mind was telling me. I was a fool for still hoping it would actually make good decisions.

If only Jooheon had dragged me along when he left.

If only Minhyuk were there with me to stop me.

If only...

_If only..._

 

Something cold hit my face and I flinched with a groan, feeling gravel under me threatening to pierce my skin. “If he doesn't wake up in the next five minutes I'm gonna punch him to death anyway.” I could hear the sound of water being filled into a bucket and a few heavy steps before the cold liquid was splashed into my face again. I coughed, trying not to get it into my lungs. What had happened?

“We can just hope he's in his right mind now.” I blinked several times, hearing Shownu's voice, tense and dangerously low while the bucket was being put down. “There you go, he's waking up.”

I didn't even have time to find out where I was when I felt hands grab me by the collar. I was pulled up and pressed against a nearby wall that seemed to be underneath a railway crossing. My head hit the stone and I let out a hiss, trying to focus on what was happening to find Jooheon in front of me with a look on his face I wish I hadn't seen. There was no playing around, he was practically stabbing me with his gaze only.

“You damn _bastard_ , what have you done?! Do you know what you have done?!” He was trembling with anger, his knuckles turning white due to the force he held me in place with. Not that I'd have fought back, I didn't think I could hurt him.

“W-what?” I could feel my breath quicken and glanced left and right to see Shownu walk up and down in the same manner again and again; up and down, up and down...

“Eyes on me!” My gaze snapped back to Jooheon, eyes widening at his relentless fury. What was this, why was he being like this and why wouldn't he let go? I brought my hands up to his wrists, searching for an opening but there was none – I was caught and it had me panic. “I repeat myself one last time: _Do you know what you have done?_ ”

“Jooheon”, Shownu hissed, stopping in his tracks but the other shook his head. “Be careful with him, he-”

“No, shut it, he needs to know what he did. You think so too.”

“It was a grave mistake, yes, but he-”

“You're defending him? Even now?! We're about to lose everything, _everything_ , and you-” Jooheon's grasp loosened when he turned to look at Shownu in disbelief and I quickly freed myself and rolled away from him, finally coming to my senses.

“What the hell is going on?”, I asked, fear making my chest tighten as I saw Shownu's grim and disappointed expression.

“You ruined _everything_!”, Jooheon hissed, taking a step towards me, but I took one back by reflex, keeping our distance the same. “You practically told them!”

“Told? Told whom? And what?” My panic mixed with anger. How was I supposed to get what he was referring to if I didn't remember a thing because I had- _Wait, that's it._ I had been high. Holy shit, I had given in and I had been high without the permission of anyone, without anyone knowing.

The addiction had won. What had I done then? What had happened? “Jooheon-” I stopped myself and switched over to Shownu who seemed to be more composed. “Shownu, what did I do? Please, I-” But Jooheon couldn't take it and exploded, his fist suddenly clenched to collide with my left cheek a moment later.

“You were prancing around with that fucking flower, _that's_ what you did! It was almost comical, but too bad they didn't take it as a damn joke, you little shit. They know we have that stuff. They know something's up. Now all they have to do is the math. You might as well say the Clan died today.”

“What...?” I stumbled away from him while covering my throbbing cheek and leaning against the stone wall to stay on my two feet. The remains of Delphinium in my blood didn't really help with keeping my balance, it was like a hangover.

“You heard me.”

“It might not be all that tragic if they don't get what the flower is. You were just behaving a little...weird, they might not connect it to the flower though”, Shownu interfered, but I shook my head.

“No, this can't be... This is- I mean I- I didn't-” _I didn't mean to? Come again, Hyungwon, this won't help now._ “Shit”, I breathed out, slamming my fist against the wall and pain emitting in a matter of seconds. I started stuttering, eyes on my trembling hand. “Tell me everything. T-tell me e-every detail, what do you remember?”

Jooheon let out a snort and tore at his hair, leaving the talking to Shownu who swallowed with his jaw tensed and fists clenched. Just how mad were they, I needed to know what happened. Had I really destroyed the Clan due to selfish recklessness? Had I lost their hard earned support? Or were they simply overreacting? Maybe, if I went back I could reverse everything and-

“Okay”, Shownu started after taking a deep breath, “Listen...”

 

________________

 

When I first came home around six in the evening, I didn't expect things to have made a full turn like that. I didn't expect that I would be the only one in the house, someone was always there, but it was so silent one might have guessed there was nobody living there. “H-Hyungwon? Wonho?”, I shouted nervously, taking a look at all the rooms. “Anyone home?” But it remained silent.

“What the hell is going on?”, I mumbled to myself, scratching the back of my neck. The meeting with the other dealers had gone well, we would try to expand our network once more to get ourselves more clients and I was confident. I wanted to tell Shownu and the others but since nobody was home I put my things aside and went back out again, burying myself in my jacket.

I went to the convenience store Hyungwon was working at to find the lights turned off without a sign of anyone being inside, so I headed for Seventeen instead, trying not to look too concerned when I walked into the bunch of playfully fighting boys. “Minhyuk?”, a guy I recognized as Seungcheol called and I waved at him.

“Say, did Hyungwon come by today? He's not at home so I thought I'd ask around a little.”

The other furrowed his brows and shook his head. “We didn't see him since Wednesday, did something special happen?” I could only shrug in reply, pulling my sleeves over my hands in slowly growing nervousness.

“That's what I'd like to know.”

Seungcheol thought about it for another few seconds before humming in discontent and turning towards his gang members. “Has anyone seen Hyungwon today?” They all shook their heads in confusion and I sighed.

“Alright, I'll head to BTS then, maybe they know something. Thanks though.” The other bowed his head with a reassuring smile and patted my shoulder.

“What about the rest of Monsta X? Nobody has an idea?”

I averted my eyes. “Nobody is home, I don't know where they are. Something is definitely up. Well, see you around.”

When I reached the top of the stairs again, I let my shoulders sink and let out a sound of frustration before a weird noise reached my ears through the pitch-black evening. It sounded like cars, but that wasn't possible, only the Chinese- I stopped and counted it on my fingers. “End of December”, I muttered under my breath. “They were here in September, so-” Again I stopped, this time to swallow, and pushed BTS to the back of my list.

The riot check was going around, something I had completely forgotten this time around and I picked up speed again to get to Uncle's store as quickly as possible. If not Hyungwon one of the others had to be there to help the old man with the cellar. I could only hope they had managed to hide everything in time. My legs began to move faster and faster until I was sprinting down the streets, almost slipping on the last remains of ice on the ground.

“Gosh, this day is full of events, isn't it?”, I panted with slight annoyance to my voice. But I couldn't imagine just how eventful it had actually been yet.

I learned something that day: In just twenty-four hours a whole life's work could come crumbling down.

I pushed the door open, striding across the store to get to the little room at the back that had the stairs attached to it. “Shownu.” My friend was sitting at the wooden table with his face buried in his hands, Jooheon opposite to him with a disgusted expression. So I had found two, where were the others? “Why is nobody home?”

Our leader raised his head, chewing on the inside of his cheek while the other let out a huff. “Well, you see, Hyungwon-”

“Did something happen to him? Where is he now?” I licked my lips with widened eyes, but again Jooheon could only huff.

“This is the fucking problem, Minhyuk. All you ever care about is that ba-”

“He's alright”, Shownu cut him off. “Yeah, he's good, I guess.”

“You guess? Wasn't he with you? Why are you still here in the first place, I don't get what-”

“I'll explain, so be quiet”, the leader sighed banging his fist on the tabletop – something I hadn't seen him do in a long time, showing how agitated he was. “But try not to run away like he did.”

 

(Shownu's point of view)

 

_There were three officers and they got off the gigantic car, their heavy boots crushing the slush below with a disgusting sound. Their black uniforms and helmets covered all of their individual traits except the height differences. They looked like clones._

“ _Hey! What are you selling there?”, one of the black-clothed men barked with a heavy Chinese accent and I tried not to huff. How much I hated this procedure, they'd been doing it for five years straight and they'd always find a reason to start an argument with us._

_My uncle made an expansive gesture towards the tables we had arranged as some sort of display with a seemingly casual smile. “Practically everything, but today's deal are shoes. Want some? Those army boots really don't look comfortable to me.”_

_The second officer raised his helmet's ventail to eye the display and let out a snort seconds later. “You call this a shoe and sell it in winter? They won't last more than a few days. Pathetic.”_

“ _Don't mind them, they don't know quality”, the first officer interfered again, an evil laugh sounding and echoing from the houses' walls. He then took out the rifle from behind his back and gave it a few soft pats. “There's nothing you're hiding from us, right? You'd know better than that.”_

_I clenched my fists by my sides and forced myself to keep calm when an innocently smiling Jooheon exited the shop with a bottle of water in his hand. “Hey, I'd like to buy this pl-” He stopped in surprise, acting to his full potential when he looked at the officers. “Is there, I mean, i-is there anything wrong?” The fact that he was out meant they had finished arranging the cellar and I relaxed a little._

_The first officer turned towards Jooheon whose eyes lit up at the sight of the rifle. “Oh, is that a real one? I've heard about that model at university! Oh my God, this is so interesting!” He put the bottle down on the table and walked up to the officer without fear, inspecting the rifle. “Is it loaded? What would happen if you pulled here?”_

_He reached out for a weird lever but the officer quickly took a step back and slapped Jooheon's cheek in one swift move. “Hands off, peasant.”_

_I clenched my teeth and looked at the third officer that hadn't talked so far. The three of them had never been here before, but I could tell the quiet one was a newbie anyway. He observed the scene through his slightly see-through ventail but didn't do anything else. Like every by-stander._

_Jooheon wasn't fazed by his reddening cheek and just smiled back with a shrug. “Sorry, my parents work for the military forces, so I'm quite interested in that kind of stuff!” He then turned around to wink at me and my uncle. “So, that water bottle it is, please.”_

“ _We'll have a look around the store first”, the second officer to speak interrupted us and pushed me aside to get to the door, followed by the other loud one and they methodically strode through the store, even went into the cellar, but I knew better than to panic at that moment._

_Jooheon leaned towards me after making sure the quiet officer who had stayed behind wouldn't hear them. “Where's Hyungwon? He was at the backroom before...”_

_I swallowed. “Maybe they didn't see him? They're just here to drag us anyway-”_

_We quickly took a step back when the officers returned, all three of them lining up in front of the tables again. “Looks like you're lucky”, the first said to my uncle, now looking extremely bored and slightly disappointed. “You know your limits.”_

“ _I don't know what limits you mean, but it's good to hear, I guess”, my uncle retorted in absolute innocence and we bowed._

“ _Can I finally buy my water now?”, Jooheon asked once more and the second officer waved his hand._

“ _Whatever.” He then nodded his head towards the store. “There was someone else in there, he looked a little lost in the hair dye department.”_

_I exchanged a quick glance with Jooheon. “Ah, I'll go help him, you finish up here”, I said to my uncle and turned around when I heard steps on the inside and Hyungwon came out of the store. “Hello, I was told you had difficulties with-” I froze, my throat turning dry when I made eye contact with him._

_His pupils were dilated and I knew this was bad. Bad as in_ apocalyptically _bad. “Where's my Lee?”, he uttered, causing the officers to slow down and turn around again. Lee wasn't a Korean first name, even they knew that._

_I cocked my head to the side with a smile. “Excuse me, there's nobody like that here, why don't you go in first, maybe we can clear this up.”_

“ _No, I'm sure there is, there is, you don't remember him? What a friend you are! I'll just ask over there. Hey, you!” Hyungwon pushed me and Jooheon aside and walked up to the three officers, but we couldn't pull him back now or our little act of being customer and shop assistant would have been uncovered. Panic started to build up inside of me and I swallowed._

_The one who had spoken the most before said something to the second in Chinese. “Yeah, I am talking to you, alright?”, Hyungwon said somehow replying to him and before he could get too close to the loud ones, the third officer who hadn't said a thing yet took a step forward and grabbed him by the arm to have him stop. I might have imagined it, but I felt like that one officer was somewhat surprised. I could tell because he raised his ventail and his confused eyes became visible._

“ _You look like, uhm, turtle?”_ He probably didn't study his Korean well, _I thought,_ mistaking some vocable for 'turtle'. _Stupid soldiers._

_Hyungwon furrowed his brows and lowered his head a little to meet the slightly shorter male at eye level, a smile spreading on his face. “Your eyes remind me of someone I liked.” The smile turned into a disappointed expression. “I don't like him anymore. But still I must keep being happy, right?”_

“ _What's he saying, babbling nothing but nonsense?”, Jooheon growled next to me but I bit my lip to keep observing the scene in silence._

“ _I found something to make me happy, let me share with you!” Hyungwon put one hand into his hoodie's pocket to pull the thing I wished he didn't have out. A blue flower. And not just any flower, much to my dismay. He put it into the chest pocket of the officer who was unable to say anything. “There, isn't that flower beautiful? I just need to look at it and I feel better, but the way it smells is much nicer! And it tastes just like it smells, would you have guessed that?”_

_The first officer crossed his arms. “Why would you eat flowers, peasant?”_

_Jooheon couldn't stand by any longer and walked up to Hyungwon to pull him away from the three officers, one of which still didn't move, two of which seemed to exchange a glance through their helmets. “I don't know who you are, but it's really rude to just talk to random people like they're your friends”, Jooheon explained, the strain in his voice only audible to me. “And you can't eat flowers, they might be poisonous.”_

“ _I just wanted to be nice though! Everybody deserves happiness! And this flower makes everything go away.”_

“ _Sure, but this is just a flower, what good can it do?”_

“ _Hey, you know it's great, don't deny it, it makes you happy too! Speaking of happiness, where is my Lee?”_

_Jooheon shot the officers an apologetic glance before bowing his head. “Sorry to hold you up, please go your way, he just seems to be out of his mind.”_

“ _I didn't see any flowers in that store though”, the first officer stated and turned towards my uncle who could only shrug._

“ _I don't sell them here, he must have brought it along.”_

_The uniformed man grunted and stepped up to Jooheon and Hyungwon. “Other than that: sounds like he's using surnames to me, he must really be out of his mind to dare doing so.” Jooheon laughed it off in a practiced manner – he knew how to maintain a certain image when it got serious and I couldn't wish for a better best friend at that moment._

“ _Sometimes, Malee is a Korean nickname, didn't you know? It's no big deal, my aunt kept calling me that. It got to the point where the whole school would think Malee was my full first name, so they didn't know my real one, isn't that funny? And then, when the principal wanted to hand out some certificates, you know what they had written on mine? Right, they-”_

“ _Whatever! Just go tell that to someone else and don't waste my time”, the officer barked in reply, threatening to hit Jooheon once more and turning to leave with a hiss._

_My friend made sure they had left, standing in silence for a good twenty seconds, before releasing the back of Hyungwon's sweater just to grab him by the collar a moment later. “What have you done?!”_

“ _I've been looking for Lee!”_

“ _You know he's with the other dealers right now!”_

“ _But not where_ exactly _!”, the other whined in reply, “Those three there might have known where-”_

_He didn't get to finish that sentence since Jooheon hauled off and let his fist collide with the other's cheek. I didn't need to check to know that he had lost consciousness and all I could do was sink down on my knees and bury my head between them with a desperate sigh._

“ _This didn't just happen, did it?”_

(end of Shownu's POV)

 

It remained silent for a few seconds after Shownu had finished his short story and I held onto the nearest shelf with my head shaking. “No. This can't have happened.”

“You think I would joke around with that?”, the leader retorted with a deep sigh. “It did. All we can do now is wait and hope.”

My nails scratched the wood when I nervously clenched and unclenched my fist. “But hey, he didn't say a thing about drugs, there are many people who lost their mind since the Chinese invaded Korea, maybe they'll just let it go. I mean, they think we're stupid anyway.”

“They didn't seem to be convinced, they might look into it. Wait”, Jooheon slammed his palm down on the table with a growl. “Are you defending him?”

I swallowed, eyes darting around the room. “It's just that he doesn't know how to control himself while he's high and-”

“That is the fucking problem that started all this, Minhyuk!”, he hollered, standing up so quickly his chair was knocked over. “Nothing would have happened if he had just stayed behind in this very room and not given in!”

“Then it must be my fault!”, I retorted in an equally loud manner and Jooheon stopped with disbelief written all over his face. It was a legit reaction, I never raised my voice and I took a deep breath. “If I hadn't urged him to come live with us none of this would have happened, so I'm the root of this problem, right?”

“Minhyuk, no, I didn't mean it that way-”

“But that's what it boils down to. I could also blame you for not watching over him, I could blame anyone for thinking Hyungwon was ready to withstand the impact the cellar has at first sight. It's like shiny things to a magpie, he couldn't resist and it could have happened to any of us.” I sighed again and closed my eyes. “What I'm saying is blaming him won't help now, we'll just have to wait and hope, it's as Shownu said.”

Said male looked like on the verge of a mental breakdown and I walked up to him to pat his shoulder, causing him to raise his head. “We might have to think about relocating everything”, he mumbled while rolling his shoulders back and I nodded. “You know, it might sound crazy but I'm still busy thinking about how shocked that one officer was when he saw Hyungwon. It looked like he didn't expect him to be here, which is ridiculous. I mean, how would they know each other?”

Jooheon let out a snort, throwing his hands in the air. “Everybody is worrying about Hyungwon, Hyungwon this, Hyungwon that. What about the Clan?”

Shownu narrowed his eyes at the younger one. “He is a member of the Clan, just like you, Malee.”

I would have laughed at the fact that he was using this ridiculous invention of a name but my mind was processing something else. “Wait, no”, I breathed, having both of them look at me. “What did you say he said to Hyungwon?”

“Don't know, it sounded like turtle or something, he must have mispronounced some word. Whatever, they're Chinese, they don't know Korean.”

“ _They called me turtle before.”_

“ _Turtle? Who did?”_

“ _That's not important.”_

I licked my lips. Something was telling me that the officer hadn't mispronounced anything. And if that was the case, he actually _did_ know Hyungwon. _Might be, he was in the army before after all..._ “Where did Hyungwon go?”

Shownu ignored Jooheon's repeated groans and scratched the back of his neck. “Don't really know. He ran down the main street, southern direction, but he could be anywhere by now.” I fidgeted with my jacket's zipper and quickly threw a scarf around my neck before meeting Shownu's curious gaze. “You're going to look for him?”

“I won't abandon him because of this, we'll figure things out. We always do.”

“Maybe, but where do you want to start? I told you he could be anywhere.”

“I believe I know enough about him by now. If I don't try and search for him he won't ever come back”, I muttered, pulling the hood over my head. “Don't wait for me, I'll bring him home somehow.”

“That's all you've got to say about this?”, Jooheon hissed from his side of the table. “You're going out to find the one who started it?”

“I'm going out to stop a friend from drowning in self-pity.”

I didn't look back and just left the store, heading for the main street. _Don't worry, Hyungwon, I'll come and get you. Just don't blame yourself too much, the others do that enough already. Please be safe, Hyungwon..._

_Please be safe._

 

________________

 

I was walking without destination. I didn't have the guts to just go back to them as if everything would be fine, because it wouldn't. Shownu had told me everything and I was trying hard to resist the urge to just bang my head against a wall or throw myself over the edge of a bridge.

This part of the city was very run down, even for our current standards and some of the streetlamps were flickering vigorously. I could hear the roaring of a car's engine every now and then, sometimes closer, sometimes barely audible, but that's how I knew they were still there, even when it got dark. My stomach growled and I took a look at my surroundings, wrapping my arms around myself.

Where was I? I hadn't been here before.

“I'll be fine as long as I just take the same road back”, I mumbled to myself before stopping and letting out a desperate chuckle. Would I even go back? Would they let me? It was some kind of déjà-vu, it had been the same just two months ago but this time, I didn't choose to go, at least I wasn't in my right mind when I threw it all away. _I've got too much to lose. We can't keep doing this, turtle._ My breathing became uneven when his words mixed with those of Jooheon. _If they get what this is, we'll lose everything._

“So this is what it feels like to lose something important.” I kicked a pile of melting snow, sending it ahead with a disgusting splat when it hit the ground again. I was so immersed in my own thoughts I stopped paying attention to my surroundings, which was the second grave mistake I committed that day. Something I had never thought would happen dawned to me: I was beginning to understand Yi-en's words. Suddenly, I had things to lose. I had friends and a life that wasn't necessarily enviable but at least it made me somewhat happy. But now...

“You're still talking to yourself when stressed out?” The blood froze in my veins and my throat turned dry at the familiar voice. That damn voice that would always be calm, no matter what. _I must have lost my mind, he can't be here._ I kept walking, trying to suppress the shivers when the voice sounded again.

“It must be fate that I found you.” How was my imagination playing tricks on me now and why was it even _his_ voice? I clenched my fists to stop them from shaking but it didn't work, so I picked up speed. If I ran, maybe my mind would give up and let the voice disappear- But then I finally heard the steps and I knew it was real.

“Turtle. Freeze.”

My breath got stuck in my throat and I halted, my body not obeying me but the voice now. It would always obey his voice rather than mine. I desperately wanted to run, wanted to run as far away as I could. _This can't be, this can't be, this can't be..._ I heard him stop a few steps away from me and I let out a wince, hopefully too quiet for him to hear.

“I've been looking for you, I don't have much time though.”

How could he talk like that after that day he had left me on the street? How did he even dare to appear out of nowhere after he had turned away? A rush of anger struck me and I turned around to lay eye upon that one man only to feel my whole confidence turn to dust in a matter of seconds. It had been barely more than three months but he looked like a completely different person to me though the look in his eyes was just the same. Memories were flooding my mind, almost blinding me, until all I could see was that calmly smiling face of his.

My savior and executioner had come back to find me. And he hadn't chosen a good time to do so.

“Yi-en.”

 


	15. Endurance and Fear never really got along

“Yi-en”, I repeated, suddenly short on breath and I couldn't do anything but stare at the uniformed guy standing opposite to me. He didn't have any weapon with him but he still was the most dangerous person on earth in my eyes.

“Turtle”, he replied with a smile in his voice, only then taking the gigantic helmet that had been covering his head off. It was still the same blond head of hair. It was still the same pendant dangling from his left ear. And it was still the same expression he showed me.

“ _Let's bleach your hair, turtle, how about that?”_

“ _No way, nobody has their hair bleached here, it might be brown but never lighter. There's only you with blond hair, why should I?”_

_He smiled at me, a warm and tingling feeling spreading in my chest when he pulled me in for a hug with a laugh. “That's exactly why, stupid. We'll be exceptionally handsome together. And I will always find you, even in giant crowds. We'll never lose each other again! Sounds good, right?”_

_I chuckled along. “Never lose each other? Subtle much, you cheesy bastard.” He looked at me with a boyish smirk and I grinned. “Okay, let's bleach it.”_

He still looked the same as that day, just the same as all these years ago.

But things were different for me. My hair was back to a dark color, my dreams had turned into nightmares... Yes, things were different, but I somehow couldn't say these words.

“Your...Your accent is almost gone.”

“I practiced a lot to get rid of it.”

It had only been three months since I had seen him, but back then you could still hear slight problems with the vowels. And he hadn't been allowed to wear that completely black uniform yet. So he had managed to get a higher rank after leaving me, like he had been told.

“Turtle.”

His life had gone well without me, it seemed. _Mine wasn't as bad as it could have been either_ , I thought, unable to say anything when the members of Monsta X flashed in my mind, followed by Jooheon's and Shownu's disappointed eyes seconds later. _Right. It_ wasn't _bad. Until today._

“I missed you.”

Should I have laughed? Should I have cried? Screamed? Run back to him? Run back to the others? Run off on my own? Neither seemed to be a good choice at that very moment since I didn't know where to go and I felt my heartbeat increase in panic but I tried not to let any of this show.

We kept staring at each other until Yi-en let out a huff. “Are you not going to say anything? I've been searching the city for you for four hours now, I'll even have to walk back to the next base because my boss didn't want to be here any longer than necessary.” He took a step towards me and I took one back by reflex, having him stop with a sigh. “Turtle, I-”

“Go away.”

“What?”

I clenched my hands into fists, clearing my throat to raise my voice. “You heard me.”

His smile faltered and he scratched the back of his neck, trying to get closer once more but every step he took would make me retreat more and he stopped. “Are you really going to be like this? You could at least talk to me like a normal human being, but-”

“So you think you deserve to be treated like one?”, I snapped, feeling pressure build up behind my eyes. I wouldn't make it, I'd cry, it was just a matter of seconds. “You think I have one _ounce_ of respect left in my body after you've proven to be a fucking coward?”

My breaths were uneven and I forced myself to calm down before turning around and pacing off into the next dark side alley. I had to get away from him. I had to leave him behind, once and for all. But Yi-en had always been a chaser. “Turtle.”

“Don't call me turtle!”, I yelled back, my desperate voice echoing from the deserted houses' walls. “My name is Chae Hyungwon.” I licked my lips and kept speeding down the alley, hearing his steps close behind. “It's Chae Hyungwon. Chae Hyungwon”, I repeated over and over again as if it would just kill the person that had once liked being called turtle.

“Hyungwon!” I stumbled, just a little, but that was all he needed when his hand managed to grab me by the sleeve and hauled me back before pressing me against the nearest wall. I clenched my eyes shut to avoid looking at him. “I'll play by your rules if you listen to me... Hyungwon”, he whispered, catching for breath while his other hand let go of the helmet he had still been holding. It hit the ground with a loud thump and I flinched with a whimper. “Look who is the coward now. You went back to your old self. To what you were before we met.”

“N-no.” I sunk down on my knees since my legs couldn't support my weight anymore and he followed me, crouching down and leaning closer until our foreheads were touching. _No, things are different!_ The first hot tear escaped my eye. _Things are different, I am different!_ My tries to push him away were worthless, the insults I threw at him turning into nothing but quiet winces until he finally distanced himself a little. More tears followed, sobs shaking my body before I could get myself together. _Looks like nothing changed though._ I kept my eyes on the ground, not wanting to face him and I watched as my breath formed tiny white clouds in the cold air to calm down. Appearing, then dissolving into nothingness. Appearing, then dissolving. I was a sobbing mess, wishing for him to disappear like those clouds, but he wouldn't. It's just like I said: Yi-en was a chaser. _And if nothing changed, I'm still a monster._

“I didn't think you'd actually run away from us then.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat, forcing myself to calm down. _You've been strong for such a long time, how dare you give in now, you whiny little bitch?_ I clawed at my jacket, trying to even out my breaths somehow before I replied to him. “Do you mean us two or your dear _friends_?”

“You know what I mean.” He reached out for my hand but I ripped it out of his grasp.

“I didn't think _you_ would run either. But you did and left me on that street.”

“I was scared, tur- Hyungwon”, he retorted, despair audible in his voice and I focused on the little blades of grass and other weeds that were peeking through the slowly melting snow. Well, you can't stay oblivious to your problems forever. “What do you think would have happened if we had told _my_ father? We would've been exiled right away!”

“So exiling only me was the better option, you say? I was left with _nothing_ , my family kicked me out and you know it”, I hissed and raised my head a little, staring at his chest now.

“I didn't think your parents would be so opposed to it, but now I think-”

“You've thought enough, Yi-en. Just go and leave me alone.”

He remained silent for the next minute and I sniffled several times, wiping my tears away while feeling his eyes on me. “Hyungwon.” Why did he have to be here, why did the goddess of fate hate me that much? “There are three reasons why I came after you and I won't go until you've heard me out.”

I sighed, looking at the point of the street I had come from, the next streetlamp about eight meters away. The two of us were hidden by the darkness of the alley and I shivered at the thought that this had once been desirable.

“First, I need to apologize. I know this won't change a thing, but there hasn't been a single night I slept through because I always had to think about this. When you didn't report back anymore, I was so scared of what might have happened to you, I-” He inhaled and I could imagine his expression all too well, feeling my heart clench at once. He sounded so pained.

“I told them you were out to do your job and would report once the time comes but every time they found someone dead the first thing I checked was who it was. I was afraid, tur- H-Hyungwon. I was afraid I might have killed you. Know that there wasn't a day I didn't regret what happened.”

My nails dug into the palms of my hands, keeping me distracted with pain when I decided to give it a shot and look at him. His eyes. His eyes were that one thing that would make me want to come back to the base. There wasn't a thing I had cared about but the look in those eyes. I intensified the pressure of my nails with a quiet hiss to remind myself of our reality.

 _Things changed, Hyungwon,_ I reminded myself, _things changed, you're another person. You don't need him, you have others who help you cope. You have Minhyuk and the other guys, right? Seven are better than one. One who left you on your own before at that._

Yi-en licked his lips before swallowing. “Second, I wanted to ask you about your behavior earlier. Why were you so weird? You were different from the way I know you, I thought my eyes were playing jokes on me. I thought I was just imagining you to be there for a moment, is this how you normally do your job? Completely out of character? It must be tough on you.” He reached out for my hair but I was quick to slap his hand away. “You even changed your hair color, but I knew it had to be my old turtle the moment you started talking to me.” _So he was that calm officer Shownu talked about_ , I concluded with a shiver.

“I met someone who helped me leave some old things behind.” I chewed on my lower lip when Minhyuk crossed my mind again. If I hadn't met him, I would still be reminded of Yi-en if I looked in the mirror and saw my blond hair. If I hadn't met him, I wouldn't have smiled with anyone ever again. If I hadn't met him, I would never have told anyone new about Sangwon.

Each of these things had connected me only to Yi-en before, but by sharing the information, by letting Minhyuk change me, I felt like Yi-en lost some of his power over me, though it was just a tiny bit. I partially managed to let go of the soldier I would have trusted with my life just three months prior, all thanks to Minhyuk. One step closer to my personal freedom. _And you thanked him by endangering the whole Clan, well done, Hyungwon._

“What makes you think you could simply leave your past behind?”, Yi-en whispered with a slight shake of his head and I shivered. If I told him about the flower he'd go and tell his higher-ups about it being special and everything would become even worse for the Clan. Right now, there was still a chance of them not caring about it. There was literally no good I could do, I was at a huge disadvantage with Yi-en as my enemy.

“I can't just leave, Hyungwon, please talk to me”, he whined, his fingers stroking my knee but I stood up to escape his touch, putting a meter or two between us.

“I'll hear you out, but nothing else. Say what you have to say and leave. And I want you to act like today didn't happen.”

“That will be too much to ask of me. Not now that I found you.” Hurt flashed across his face but I forced myself not to care while he ran a hand through his hair before picking up his helmet again, wiping off the slush. “Because, well, third”, he sighed, “I wanted to ask you to come back to us...You don't need to if you have things to do here though. It would probably be weird if you were to disappear from this damn city without a trace, right? But listen, please...”

He stood up and took a little step closer, offering me the helmet like some sort of present. I stared at it with a frown before I raised my gaze to meet his once more and again I forgot how to breathe for a moment. He swallowed, chewing on his bottom lip with a nervous expression.

“I want you to come back to _me_ at the very least.”

I stared at Yi-en's face, frozen to my spot like a statue. “What?”

“I came back for you. Tur-” I stiffened and he interrupted himself, averting his gaze because he was unable to hold the eye contact any longer. “Hyungwon. I changed, so please come back. And please let me call you turtle again. Otherwise it...it won't be the same.”

_There you go, Hyungwon, your ex begs for you to come back, isn't that great?_ Yeah, it sounded good in my ears at first, but the more I thought about it, the more the memory of that day at my parents' house resurfaced. I had told them that I was happy with him, but they couldn't understand. And witnessing our conversation, Yi-en got scared and ran away. 

_He said he won't do it again, can't you see the regret on his face?_ My heart clenched. I didn't need to see it, I could hear it clearly. In the end, Yi-en had always been the one to look out for me in the past...  _Exactly, so now all you have to do is leave everyone else behind and-_ I took a deep breath, closing my eyes. He had cared for me in the past. The present and the future held other things for me.

“I don't want it to be the same. I changed as well”, I whispered, eyes on the ground and I shook my head. “This won't work.”

Yi-en's grasp on the helmet tightened when he got what I was saying and it took all of my self-restraint to stay away from him. I wouldn't run to him. “Hyungwon, if there is anything-”

“There's nothing you can do to change me back. I don't want to change anymore”, I interrupted him, taking several steps towards the main street. I wouldn't run to him.“I don't need you.”

I wouldn't- “You just cried when I was touching you, I know your trauma is still as vivid as before, you can't tell me you could overcome that on your own! You need me, Hyungwon. And I need you.”

“Doesn't this ring a bell with you?!”, I shouted in panic, feeling my emotions go haywire and he flinched. I couldn't control myself when he was around, the few minutes we had talked for already had me on edge. I had to get away from him. “It's because you aren't any better than that asshole right now!”

“You don't mean that, you're confused, I understand, but-”

“If you know me so well then get out of my face and leave me alone.” I turned around, finally finding myself in the light of a streetlamp again and my body relaxed a little until I heard steps behind me. “Don't. Don't follow me or you'll end up like him. I can't take it. Go home.”

“You can't kill me.” Before I could pick up speed his voice had me halt again. “You remember what we said? Home is where the heart is. Your home is right here with me and mine is with you. You can't kill me.”

_There, you heard it, he will still be your home! You wanted this, right? Then go back to him._ It was this thought that confirmed my guess: I had gone mad, my mind wasn't reliable anymore. Yi-en would drop me again if his job was threatened or his father found out. He said he had changed but that couldn't be. Deep inside, we were both still running.

“They'll ask me where I've been once I get back to the base”, he continued quietly. “What should I tell them now?”

Goosebumps formed on my skin and I swallowed. “Now that's your problem, isn't it?”

“Then I'll tell them that I know your position.” I stayed quiet, staring at a lamp that was flickering in the distance. “But if they knew you deserted you'd be dead in no time.”

My throat went dry and I swallowed several times. “Do whatever you want. If it kills me, okay, I'll die. I'll take it.”

“You know I won't let you die, I promised. And we need you by my side.” _We_. There it was.

Did he really want me to come back to _him_ or did he want the army's turtle back in their rows? To him it would always be the same. To me it was worlds apart and that little pronoun had me make my decision. _We._ In his eyes I was the traumatized soldier and killer, his boyfriend as a side occupation, nothing else. _I changed._ Nothing had changed for him.

I shot him one last glance before scrunching up my nose and walking away. “Then lie like you always do and keep me alive. Shouldn't be much of a problem for you anyway, right? Don't follow me like a dog, what would the other soldiers think?”

Much to my surprise, he listened and didn't follow me. _You'd be dead in no time._ Death scared me but I knew he wouldn't risk it because _he_ knew I was too good to be sacrificed due to mere relationship difficulties.

You might be wondering now: Why does Hyungwon think it's all about the army, why can't it simply be true love? That's an easy one. I would never doubt that there was something he felt for me but I knew Yi-en a little bit too well. He might have loved me, yes, but he also thought about what was best for his country before making a decision for himself. Having me back was a win-win to him as long as nobody else found out about the relationship part. If I had gone back, it wouldn't have changed a thing. Not a thing.

We would both still have been cowards.

We would remain but we would be running.

So I left to run on my own.

I was back on the empty and quiet big street again in no time, walking for what seemed like eternity. Walking without a goal. _Leave him behind. Leave him behind._ The environment was calm but the sound of blood rushing in my ears caused an incredibly loud and never-ceasing noise. Why was everything I left behind coming back to me anyway? First Sangwon, now Yi-en. I couldn't use things like that in my life.

My eyes wandered across the dark buildings and I buried my freezing hands in my pockets with a shiver. Once again I could only wonder: What would Yi-en choose to do in the end? Would they come to kill me? Or would he keep me safe?

_It's not like it would make a difference anyway._

 

________________

 

I had been searching for more than an hour, running through the pitch black streets like there was no tomorrow. “He can't have gotten that far”, I panted, my breath creating little white clouds in the chilly air before I focused on the dark alleys again. He had to be there somewhere.

“Minhyuk?”

I turned around to spot someone from BTS on the pavement. Namjoon, was it? “I don't have time, I'm currently looking for Hyungwon and-”

“Hyungwon?” He stopped for a moment before cocking his head to the side. “I thought I'd seen him earlier, somewhere around the convenience store he's working at.”

“The convenience store?”, I panted while already glancing around to find out in which direction it was and Namjoon pointed at a side alley.

“That way. Did something happen, you look worried?”

“It's n-nothing, we just lost each other. The cops were here and things got...messy.” He nodded in understanding and I bowed my head in a hurry. “Thank you very much, I appreciate every hint I can get!” I turned to leave and took a few steps before glancing back at him. “Really, thanks. See you on Wednesday?”

“No problem, glad to help. I was wondering why he was on his own and meeting you was a coincidence anyway, so, yeah. See you then.”

So I left and ran again to find him.

 

It took me about twenty fucking minutes of sprinting, gasping for breath and sprinting on again until I got close to one of the big crossroads near the shop. _Take a right. Take a left. Straight ahead and-_ I slowed down when I saw the familiar sign of the store, my legs numb and aching at the same time due to the long run out in the cold. “Hyungwon?”

No reply could be heard and I sighed. So I'd have to look for myself. The lights of the store were turned off and I left it behind with the playground in mind. The gaming devices looked creepy in the dim yellow light of the streetlamps and I swallowed before stepping up to a small tunnel under the monkey bars. It was the darkest place where no light could ever reach, be it day or night. It was exactly where I'd find someone like Hyungwon.

“Hyungwon?”, I whispered again, trying to see but I couldn't be sure the lump I saw there was actually human until it spoke and my eyes accustomed to the darkness.

“You shouldn't have come.”

Was that even his voice? It was raspy and made him sound decades older than he was. Yet I felt relief flooding me. “Hyungwon, thank God, you're okay. I searched the entire city for you and-”

“You shouldn't have.”

I stopped, blinking into the darkness from which I was slowly beginning to make out the contours of his slender hands that were clutching at his head. He looked as though he was in pain. “What are you doing here?”

“Waiting for a chance to quit my job in the morning.”

I exhaled, rubbing my temples. He was going too far. “I swear I'll beat Jooheon up just for you. He was overreacting, things will be fine somehow as long as we are getting through this toge-”

“Don't say it. Don't.” Hyungwon turned his head away from me with a groan, loosening the grasp on it. “Stop making things seem fine.”

“They're not _now_ but they _will_ be. I can't say what will happen but we always find a way. This time won't be any different.”

“You're talking like you know every variable. How optimistic. How delusional.” He spat out those last words with a certain bitterness and it broke my heart. Yeah, sometimes all that's needed is a little bit of trust to make the impossible possible. But he still couldn't believe in things like trust for some reason. I thought we had made progress but now...

I swallowed. “Did you know the Chinese guys?” I could see how Hyungwon shivered. “Shownu said something about you being called turtle or something and I just thought-”

“How would I know?!”, he snapped with a quiet growl, a reaction that was completely over the top to me. “I don't know why they'd call me something like turtle, it makes no sense, okay? They're just stupid Chinese, they must have mixed things up.”

I closed my eyes, sitting down next to him with a sigh. “I know it was your nickname at some point, you told me the other day while you were high. I don't think this was a coincidence, so, what was it?”

Silence. Hyungwon drew his knees up and buried his face in them without another word. I listened to his quick and shallow breaths for a while until he spoke up. “I don't remember any of their faces. I was high. All I know is what I was told by Shownu and there isn't anything else needed for me to get the gist of all this: I killed the Clan.”

“That's not true.”

“You really think they will let this slide? Or you think they wouldn't look into us? What I did today is suspicious, I know that. I saw these things from their side before, well, I was told by...someone.”

I didn't miss out on the short pause but there were other things bothering me than his past at that very moment. “Okay, let's say you're right and they find out about the drugs. What will you do, what does it change about your situation? Nothing.”

“You have no idea.”

He still avoided eye contact at all cost and I felt myself grow impatient. “You should come back with me, isolating yourself isn't helpful for any of us. You'll either be alone and without drugs or with us and without drugs. Doesn't the latter seem more comfortable?”

“I'm not welcome at your place. I only bring ill luck, you can't-”

“Goddammit, Hyungwon!”, I barked and he flinched before moving away to flee from my loud voice that was intensified by the narrow walls. “You're always drowning yourself in self-pity! 'All I can do is make mistakes', you say, 'I'm dangerous and you'd better not know about me', you say. And you know what? _I_ say that this is bullshit!” He crawled back some more, his eyes now on me in concentration and shock while I remained where I was, a sad smile on my face.

“I need to scare you to make you look at me now? How sad”, I continued with a resigned voice before chuckling quietly and looking straight ahead.

“Minhyuk, don't make this hard on me, I didn't choose to leave.”

“You did or you wouldn't hide here in a place you thought I wouldn't find. You're afraid of truly being cared about.”

Again we remained silent and Hyungwon's shoulders lowered when he buried his face in his hands. “I'm sorry.”

“Sorry for what? No need.” I turned and grabbed his arm to drag him out of the tunnel with me so that I could inspect his face in the yellow streetlights. He let me, much to my surprise, and I scanned him from head to toe while he was staring at the frozen sand to his feet. “Come back home.”

He swallowed and buried one hand in his pocket. “Where would that be?”

“With us, of course.”

“You really think anyone still wants me there?”

“You really think we'd never forgive something that could have happened to any of us?” I looked at him with my fingers clutching at his jacket for another moment before sliding down to his free hand for an experiment. I felt him suppress a shiver but he didn't rip his hand away like he'd have done it weeks before. He wasn't threatened by me anymore but something else had him tense up. “You know I trust you, right?”

“Trust? Ha. Let go of my hand.”

“And you should know that I can't lie to the people I trust.”

“Minhyuk, please let go on your own before things happen.”

“Things? How scary. What, you're gonna hate me like Wonho? You're gonna beat me up like Lay?”

“No, I can't hurt you.” He said these words with a completely blank face, it was like a fact he was stating, a rule maybe, when he locked gazes with me. “But I expect you not to hurt me either. That's-” He stopped and I loosened my grasp on his icy fingers just a little, causing him to let out a relieved sigh. “Endurance and restraint, that is my form of displaying trust. So if you trust me then hold back for my sake and let go.”

I thought about it for another moment before obeying and freeing his fingers. “There. Will you come back with me now? At least for tonight, give the others a chance to talk to you, Shownu and Jooheon were panicking when they blamed you and I know they don't feel that way. Just come with me for now.”

He looked at his hand with a somewhat nostalgic glint to his eyes before clenching it into a fist. “I...I don't know.”

“Good thing _I_ do: come. We don't have all day.”

I started walking in the direction of our house with confidence and I could actually hear his quiet steps behind me after some time, a smile spreading on my face. _At least for tonight_ , I thought happily, _and the others will tell him to stay as well._

“You've really been looking for me for a long time?”

I let out a snort. “Well, duh, I was worried as fuck, my legs feel like I've run a marathon. Might as well have. You can't just run away and expect me not to go after you. I won't give up on our gang member let alone one of my best friends. You belong with us, I can feel it.” He fell silent after that but I felt like he knew I was serious and he was thinking things over.

_He'll stay, I know it._

 

We got home to Shownu sitting on the sofa and Jooheon napping next to him, the older nudging the other to wake him up when we entered the room. They apologized, Jooheon a little bit pouty and Shownu with more sincerity than I would have thought him to be capable of using, but Hyungwon kept his eyes on the ground without a word.

After five minutes of Shownu going on and on to him, I stopped him with a strained smile. “Maybe he needs some rest. Hyungwon, you wanna go upstairs?”

Said guy licked his lips, still not looking at us. Did he have that bad of a conscience? He didn't need to, it was our fault as well. Jooheon snorted. “If I had known you were so quick to give up on things I wouldn't have bothered beating you up. If you can't even take a bit of violence...” His voice trailed off when Shownu rammed his elbow in the younger's side and I saw how Hyungwon's eyes widened at the last sentence, his hands clenching into fists. Oh, they had no idea violence seemed to be Hyungwon's life.

“I'm okay, don't bother”, he whispered, clearing his throat. “Just...I'll make myself something to eat and then go to bed if I may.”

Jooheon raised a brow before letting out a hiss and pushing past him. “Whatever. I'm going to bed.”

Shownu watched Jooheon leave with incomprehension on his face and a sigh escaped his lips when he put a hand on Hyungwon's shoulder, causing him to flinch. “We'll be fine, we'll do this as a group so don't think we're better off without you, okay?”

“...Sure.” Our leader left the room as well and I watched as Hyungwon went into the kitchen, made himself a bowl of cereal and settled at the living room table in silence. I took the seat opposite to his and rested my head on my arms to watch as he ate spoonful after spoonful. “Is my face that interesting?”

I froze when he raised his gaze to find mine. He had turned emotionless again and it confused me more than anything else. What was I to him? Friend or nuisance, it could be both and I wouldn't know. “I'm trying to grasp what's behind that face”, I muttered, “Why you're distancing yourself because of a mere mistake. Is that how you always cope with things? Are you sorry? Are you angry? I don't know, you don't let it get through.”

Hyungwon's eyes clouded with something I classified as guilt and he put the spoon down with a deep breath. “I must never let things show. It's got nothing to do with any of you.” _There he goes again._ I suppressed the urge to groan.

“Why is it that you're afraid of trusting me?”

“I'm not-”

“Then what is your problem?”

Nothing else was said for the next minutes, not a word and I just followed him into his room after he had finished eating without expecting a reply. He turned around with puzzlement written all over his face. “Aren't you going to leave?”

“And lose sight of you? Hell no, you could leave without my consent”, I retorted as a matter of fact and some kind of amused sound actually escaped his lips before we fell silent again and I took a few deep breaths. “You won't...You won't leave, right? Just to be sure...”

He breathed out and I saw his fingers twitch as if to reach out for me but he decided to do otherwise and just kept standing there, a step away from me while I had my back against the door. “I'm trying to make things right. If I have to leave or not, we'll see about that. But no, I won't leave today.”

I lowered my eyes and played with my fingers for a while as Hyungwon turned and opened his wardrobe to fetch himself a clean batch of clothes. We had shared some of our stuff with him to make him more comfortable and he seemed to have gotten accustomed to it. _And yet he says he would leave just like that? If he had to?_

“Could you get out, I need to change.”

“U-uh, yeah, sure, I'll...I'll do the same.”

I left his room for mine and exchanged my dirty clothes for ones that were more comfortable, then went back to stop in front of his closed door. What was I doing? Why was I pestering him so much? _It was a hard day for him, I shouldn't keep wanting to talk to him. He probably passed out already anyway_. I licked my lips and returned to my own room, lying down in my bed.

And then I spent half an hour just lying there, staring at the ceiling.

The Clan was endangered, yeah, but it somehow didn't faze me all that much. I could be jobless in less than twenty-four hours, if not dead, but it didn't feel real to me. All I could think about was how Hyungwon had crouched in that dark tunnel back at the playground. How lost he had looked. How closed up he was again.

And how scared I was that I wouldn't be able to find him not to speak of bringing him back.

I never had to be afraid of such things with the others but I felt like it was different with Hyungwon. Everything was different because I still didn't know much about him. I didn't know much but he could be gone in the blink of an eye. I had to understand him better.

I grabbed my blanket and padded over to Hyungwon again, softly knocking on the wooden door before peeking into the dark room. “Hyungwon?”, I whispered, tiptoeing over to his bed and he turned his head towards me, eyes wide open.

“Can't sleep?” I nodded and he sighed. “Me neither.” I stood beside the bed as he sat up and we stared at each other in silence for a minute or two before he cocked his head to the side. “You want to ask something.” This time, I wanted to shake my head but interrupted myself to turn it into a nod.

“Could we, I mean...Don't get this wrong”, I stuttered, licking my lips. “Could I...stay here for the night? I might be able to sleep then. Only if you're- if you're okay with that.”

I saw his body tense up and the longer he stayed silent the more awkward the room's atmosphere got. My hands grew sweaty and I was just about to retreat when he lowered his head and moved aside to make room. “I can try.”

Another moment of silence passed before I blinked, smiling widely before carefully sitting down on the edge of his bed, as far away from him as I could and I saw him lie down with his back pressed against the wall to maintain the distance. He was actually trying. “Thanks.”

“Are you doing this to keep tabs on me?”, he mumbled and I shook my head, white hair falling into my face. Kihyun would have to cut and bleach it again soon.

“I'm doing this to get a snatch of sleep. Why do you allow it if you think I'm doing it to control you?”

“Even if it was true I wouldn't change my mind. It might help me as well.” Hyungwon had his eyes half closed but I could tell he was concentrating on my every move, fearing that I would do something that could harm him. He looked like the scared lamb he was inside. “I'm having nightmares.”

“You've had them since the day we met but you never really told me about their content. What do you dream about?”

Every time I asked him about that topic he'd close up but I felt like I had to know now. I needed to know why he was always blaming himself and trying to solve things on his own. It wasn't normal for someone to be like that with no exceptions. There had to be more to that and maybe his dreams were the first step.

“People”, he whispered and I saw him clutch at his side, lost in thought. “People I met in the army.”

“Was it that horrible over there?”, I asked with my heart beating like crazy. Maybe he would finally tell me some more. Maybe I could understand him.

Hyungwon shivered. “You never stop thinking about it once you've been there. It haunts you.”

“What's the worst part about it? Can you...Can you name it?”

“Can _you_ name the worst thing about hell?” He yawned and pulled up his blanket with a rattling breath. “We were talking about trust earlier, you remember?”

“Sure.”

“You don't have that there.” Hyungwon licked his lips and I watched as his expression turned anxious. “You think you have it but nobody ever really cares so you end up empty-handed. And if they don't like you they show you. Endurance and restraint as a form of trustworthiness. It's twisted but it's all I've known since Sangwon died. It's a battlefield of its own.”

His voice cracked at the end and I felt my heart clench. “But you survived.”

“Sometimes I wish I hadn't.”

“Hyungwon-”

“Didn't you want to sleep?” He didn't let me say more and turned around, facing the wall so that I could no longer read his expression in the moonlight-flooded room. I lay there, silently, watching his back and wishing I could do something to help him but every method that came to my mind was something that wouldn't help him.

“Hyungwon?” No reaction. I swallowed with my heartbeat accelerating. “Can I hug you?”

Still no reaction. I waited for a good five minutes, pondering on whether or not to do this before I threw all cautiousness overboard and shuffled closer, wrapping my arms around his torso and burying my face between his shoulder blades. I felt him freeze immediately, his breathing rate increasing until he was panting.

“No.” He merely whispered it but I heard it loud and clear though I pretended to be oblivious, tightening my hug. “No, Minhyuk. It hurts.”

We both knew he didn't mean physical pain and so I didn't let him go. “I don't want you to leave us ever again”, I mumbled against his back. He tried to squirm out of my grasp but our close proximity and the blankets made it impossible to do so. “You can't imagine how shocked I was when Shownu said you had run away. I was afraid of losing my dear friend today. I was horribly scared.”

He stopped moving on his own but shivers were making his body tremble in my arms nonetheless. I listened to his panicked breaths, glad to hear them slow down a little. “And that's the problem. You don't really know that friend you're talking about and yet you care too much. The truth will hurt you if you don't stop.”

“Then I'll get hurt. I'll take anything if it's for my friends. You might as well tell me what made you become like this. That way I'll know what I'm risking my life for. Sounds fair, right?” I let go of Hyungwon and he turned around immediately to make sure I couldn't pull such a stunt on him again. I then poked his hand that was still clutching at his side and he pressed himself against the wall to get away.

Not knowing what else to do, I fell silent and felt my eyelids grow heavy after some time. My mind was working at full blast but my body couldn't keep up any longer, so I gathered my last power to speak up once more.

“Does it hurt so much to have someone touch you?”, I mumbled quietly, “You know you don't have to be afraid of me, right?”

He turned his head, burying his face in his pillow while exhaling with his eyes closed. “You won't understand. Being afraid is actually the most useful thing to keep you alive. But here in this very room...” His quiet voice was almost inaudible and I felt myself drifting off into sleep. Something got stuck in my mind though I didn't know if it was dream or reality. “It's the lack of fear of you that scares me the most.”

 

________________

 

“I'm making a mistake”, I muttered as I filled up the racks of the convenience store as though nothing was wrong when everything was. “A horrible mistake.”

I had sneaked out of Monsta X' house as soon as I woke up, leaving Minhyuk who had been sleeping soundly behind. I couldn't believe I actually let him stay for the night. I couldn't believe I let him get this close to me. I couldn't believe he ignored all the warning signs I pointed out to him. And I couldn't believe this would end well. It was one thing that I was _allowed_ to stay with them but I knew it would be better if we parted ways. “Depending on the outcome it will either be Sangwon or Yi-en all over again”, I breathed quietly. “And yet I just...can't leave.”

_Does it hurt so much to have someone touch you?_ Why had I replied to that? I prayed he hadn't heard what I had said. He would read into it and I'd become more vulnerable. And once again I began wondering if Minhyuk could be different from the people of my past, if I could make him an exception. It would be so easy,  _he_ made it look easy.

_The last time you made an exception you were left without a heart,_ I reminded myself with a sigh, walking back to the checkout counter to scan some older man's products. 

“Thank you, young man, have a nice day.”

“Yeah, you too.”

 _A nice day..._ Three hours. I had left the house three hours ago without a clue of how I was going to decide whether to stay or not and I still didn't know what Wonho, Kihyun and Changkyun thought about our ordeal. _Nice day, my ass._ Neither of them had come home the day before and I cursed at myself for worrying if they were alright. I mean, my life would go on, with or without them. _But imagine how sad Minhyuk would be if something were to happen to them. And you know you'd miss them as well._

There. These thoughts had been infiltrating my mind for the past twenty-four hours and I was going insane. It wasn't like me to put others first. Every time I _did_ something bad happened, which is why I hated to admit that all of Monsta X had grown dear to me and I didn't even _want_ to leave anymore. I hated that my life was depending on Yi-en once again. I had to hope he hadn't tattled when he got back to the base because suddenly getting killed wasn't my first choice anymore. I had other things than myself to worry about, six in number, and I wanted to make sure the Clan wouldn't be endangered any more – neither by me nor others. I had to find a way. I had to live.

Another hour passed and I went through every possible scenario I could think of in my head. Only one and a half hours more and I'd be allowed to go wherever I wanted to go. And I wanted to go back to the house of Monsta X. I wanted to apologize to everyone for the troubles I had caused. I tried to believe Minhyuk's words: Things would get better, there had to be a way. If we lost the drug cellar we'd rebuild it somewhere else. All we had to do was survive and I was a master at that. I had always been the one to survive. But I had to change things up a bit.

The tiny bell attached to the door rang and I looked up – it was none other than Minhyuk who sighed in relief as soon as his gaze met mine. “I was scared”, he panted, catching for breath as though he had run a marathon, his head showing a bright red color. _I was afraid of losing my dear friend today._

I swallowed the weird feeling that was threatening to form a lump in my throat and lowered my head. “You're persistent.”

“Seems like I have to be”, he replied with a shrug, jumping on the counter to let his feet dangle like he always did while I distanced myself by checking the racks – an unnecessary action considering that there had been almost no customers that day but he wouldn't know. “Hyungwon, are you running away from me?”

_Maybe._ “Can you promise me something?”

“Anything if you stop trying to hide in exchange.”

I froze, chewing on the inside of my cheek before sighing. “I want you to give me back the space you are invading on a frequent basis”, I mumbled while shooting him a glance, “That way I might stay.” _Give me a chance not to get too attached._

I could see him furrow his brows from the corner of my eye. “Space...? Oh, you mean last night? I was regretting it as soon as I woke up in your bed. I-I wanted to ask you to forgive me for that anyway, I...”, Minhyuk's eyes lit up for a moment as though an idea had struck his mind. “Someone once told me one could sleep better if he slept next to someone else.” I flinched. “I just thought I should give it a shot.”

“ _You can't sleep? Come here, let's sleep together and chase each other's nightmares away.”_

“ _Why should that work? If I can't even get rid of my own ones...”_

“ _Silly turtle. Nobody can ever protect themselves, you need someone else to do that for you. I'll do it for you, will you for me?”_

“That's a myth”, I retorted with a slight crack to my voice. “Nothing but a lie.”

“Nah, I'm sure you believe it too”, Minhyuk insisted with a pout as he watched me take deep breaths. “You told me after all.”

_I did? Goddammit, Hyungwon._ Once again I could have punched myself for having given in to that devilish drug from hell. It would mean less temporary happiness but at least I would still be in control of my utterances. “I must have been out of my mind.”

“I'm afraid it's exactly those moments you are the most sane.”

“That doesn't make sense.”

“Do _you_?” I couldn't hold it back, I had to chuckle involuntarily. This was Minhyuk as I had been introduced to him: full of mysterious and ambiguous questions that had you thinking. That made you think about everything but the things weighing you down. His expression brightened a little and he began drawing patterns on the counter's surface. “No, but seriously, I don't usually sleep well but last night I did. Thank you and sorry again.”

I licked my lips and stared at the cans of finished products in front of me. “You should get someone else to sleep with then. Like Wonho, he should be fine with that. I can't keep this up.”

“Are you angry at me?”

A huff escaped my lips before I could hold it back and I raised my head again to look at him. “I'm not.” _I'm angry at myself._

“Good”, he sighed with a smile and then furrowed his brows. “Speaking of Wonho, you haven't, by any chance, seen him this morning?” He knew when to let go of a topic, doing exactly what I had asked of him: He gave me the space I wanted. I pursed my lips, shaking my head.

“Looks like he didn't come home yesterday.”

“That's weird.” Minhyuk ran his teeth over his bottom lip. “He always comes home, no matter how drunk and no matter how long he has been out. He's always there in the morning.”

“Well, he most definitely didn't come by. Maybe he's with Kihyun and Changkyun?”

“Curious. Very curious. He doesn't go to visit the orphanage if he didn't ask them beforehand.” I didn't think Wonho to be someone to ask for permission but it really did seem like Minhyuk was concerned and telling the truth. _Curious indeed_.

“He must come tonight though, it's Monday and-” I interrupted myself and swallowed hard. “There will be...stuff this evening, right?”

Minhyuk shot me a reassuring glance. “I don't think we should halt all of our activities just because you showed them one of the flowers. It's like I said before, maybe they don't read into it that much. And you're right, Wonho has to come. He doesn't change in behavior, with or without drugs, but if he misses out on a dose he begins to tremble without any chance for control after a few days and he'll get feverish. Not a nice view.”

I raised a brow at him. “Do you know what _you_ are like when you haven't had enough?”

He shrugged. “Nobody ever tells me and you know I don't remember. I can only imagine. I know I get a severe headache, so, maybe it's like Seungcheol...?”

“Seungcheol?”

Minhyuk clenched his teeth and breathed in with a hiss. “Well, he's losing his energy. His body can't keep going without the extra push the drug gives him, so he gets slower. Speaks less. Sleeps all the time. It's a state of apparent death.”

I thought about the various types of reactions to the lack of the drug I had observed with BTS. Yoongi. He had been the same and I nodded in understanding. “It's not quite like that with you though”, I mumbled absentmindedly. _You scream and kick and have your memories revived._

“Then what am I like?”

It was only then that I noticed I had voiced the first part of my thoughts and I stopped. “You're...” Shownu's voice echoed in my head: _every time he'll fall back into Delphinium and his addiction will get worse._ I swallowed. There would be nothing left of Minhyuk as we knew him if he kept erasing more and more of himself. It was as though he was stuck in quicksand and the more he tried to get out the faster he would sink into it.

_And? Isn't that good? You tell him, let him forget about you after some time and run away. Then there's nothing worth staying for anyway, you could pull them out of this mess and-_ No. No, it wouldn't help with the flower problem I had created anyway. I wouldn't let the Clan down. I had promised it. Sworn an oath. And I had never broken a promise before.  _Heroes don't break promises,_ little Sangwon said in my head and I saw him smile at me with his two front teeth missing.  _Once you promise it's a law to you! Got that?_ I suppressed a hiss, coming back to my senses and noticing that Minhyuk was still staring at me, so I cleared my throat.

“You're... I don't know, I never saw it get far but you got...loud.”

“Oh.” He took a deep breath and stared at his feet swinging back and forth for a while. “Anyway, we gotta wait for the three others to come home in the evening. We can just ask him then, he'll answer one of us.” I swallowed, hearing him use the word _we_ so easily, meaning only the two of us. Yi-en would always mean the whole army, there was no togetherness of just two people. 

An oppressive feeling made my throat dry up and I just nodded in reply when Minhyuk stood up again. “Well, I gotta go visit Shownu's uncle again to discuss stuff with him. I'll be back in an hour, okay?”

I furrowed my brows. “You'll be...back?”

A careful smile worked its way up his lips and he started playing with his fingers. “I wanted to make sure you're here for work, which I did. Now I want to make sure you're coming back home as well.” _I'm your home, Hyungwon._ No, you're not, Yi-en.

I ran a hand through my hair in pretended annoyance. “Whatever, do what you want.”

Minhyuk's smile broadened and he nudged my side with his elbow. “See you in an hour then, grump.”

I watched him leave, letting the cold air in as he opened the door and shutting it out again when it fell close. He had just come to the store to make sure I was okay. And as quickly as the wind was blowing, he was gone again. “See you in an hour, Minhyuk.”

 


	16. Emotion is a matter of taste

I spent the hour waiting for Minhyuk mostly in silence, watching the last ice melt on the streets outside. Nobody was coming to buy something and I was beginning to feel horribly lonely. It wasn't uncommon for me to feel like that but I didn't just wish for Sangwon to come back to life like I would have done weeks before, no, I had much more possible options that were triggering similar effects. I wanted Minhyuk back. His cheerful and carefree attitude that was radiating a light that could never be dimmed by anything. I desperately needed this positivity to keep myself from thinking about other things. This was something he had in common with Sangwon: Never ending optimism.

But still it was different. There were no family bonds connecting us. There was no brotherly sense of obligation when we were around each other. He chose to help me on his own accord. And I chose to let him, at least partially, as well. It was a symbiosis I couldn't classify but it helped me feel better about everything that was wrong with my life. Like it would be okay.

And that was exactly what scared me.

I had said it before: it was the absence of fear of trusting him that scared me the most. And it was one hundred percent true.

The hour had almost passed, less than ten minutes left for me before I was allowed to go home for the day, when suddenly the door opened, letting a blow of cold air inside and making me shiver. “Welco-” The greeting got stuck in my throat and my eyes widened when I caught sight of the blond hair and the ear piercing. He was wearing casual bleached-out clothes, making him invisible between the few people that were passing by outside.

He had come. _Again._

“I've got orders”, he whispered as some kind of excuse before I could even do anything and his eyes scanned the room. “Is there anybody else here?”

“Yi-en.” My mouth dried up but I cleared my throat in a hurry to keep my voice stable. There were two racks and several steps between us. I could think myself safe, we were of equal skill in combat. “T-this is a convenience store, people come and g-go. You want to buy something? If you don't then get out.” I reached out for a glass of pickles without him noticing.

“You look much more composed than yesterday, I'm glad. Hun, did you think about coming back?”

“Didn't you hear me!?” My voice grew a little bit too loud and unstable for my liking and I swallowed, tightening my grip on the glass until I was trembling from the strain. But he replied with the ever so calm voice I knew of him.

“I did”, he whispered. _Someone shoot him. Shoot him right now and right here, I don't care. One Chinese army member less to think about._ “But I won't let you go now that I have finally found you again, you must understand. I almost had to ask this whole damn town to find someone who knew where you were working.” _Whoever it was can go to hell._

“Is it this hard to understand that I don't want you here?”

“I have my orders and I'll stay.” _Orders._

“You'd always follow orders first before listening to me.”

He stopped at my bitter tone of voice, looking at me as though what I had said was the most irrelevant thing in the world. “What?”

 _If it's orders I'll have to take it._ I shook my head and let go of the glass, crossing my arms to hide the fact that they were trembling like mad. “N-not important. What did you come for?” _The faster we talk the faster he can go again._ Since he was here due to orders that meant he had actually told the higher-ups about me. My fate would be decided by this very conversation. I couldn't let myself be bothered just because it was my ex. The only power he had over me was the military one, he had lost everything else. We were nothing but comrades. There was nothing else connecting us. There was-

“I came for you, what else?” _Nothing else._ Yi-en took a step towards me and an adrenaline surge rushed through my veins when I took up my fighting stance. He stopped, disappointment visible on his face and I felt my heart clench for a moment. Just for a moment. _Come on, Hyungwon, you can do this._ “I...” My opponent cleared his throat. “I told them about your position and you're lucky. They still don't know you ran away and no, I'm not gonna tell them.”

My body relaxed for a moment but I forced it to stay tensed up. This was no reason to let my guard down. Yi-en's mere presence was reason enough to be on your guard. “And the orders are?”

I watched as he scanned the racks of canned food in front of him before his eyes were back on me. Those coal black and tempting eyes. “You'll report to me from now on. Everything you witness, everything you see is to be reported. And it had better be useful or they'll call you back. Or kill you for being useless. They don't care if you're turtle or just some incompetent spy as long as you don't bring any good results.” A wave of goosebumps rushed over my body and I knew he noticed as well because his cold gaze softened on the spot. I could see him suppress the urge to move closer. “Hyungwon, you can just come back to me and you won't need to endure this. We can go back. You'll have your usual jobs and I'll be there for you.”

_Your usual jobs_ . I wanted to laugh out loud. Infiltrate, gain trust and kill. My usual jobs, was he kidding me? Did he never notice how hard it was for me to do these things?  _Looks like the turtle's shell was too thick even for_ him _to see past after all,_ I thought bitterly, staring at him when suddenly the front door opened again, making the attached little bell ring. A customer. I sighed. A rescuer.

Yi-en tensed up, obviously overcharged with the sudden change of situation and again I was wondering how he had survived in the army with a face that was so easy to read. He licked his lips, ready to say something but the other person beat him to it. “Hyungwon? Where are you?” _Shit._ _Minhyuk._

“Uh, y-yeah, I'm back here”, I replied with a composed voice, cursing at myself on the inside. I exhaled, closing my eyes for a moment before a polite smile formed on my face and I bowed to Yi-en. “I'm sorry we didn't have what you were looking for, you'll have to look somewhere else.” I stressed the last words and widened my eyes to signalize him that this was his cue to go.

I saw Yi-en's surprised expression before he managed to regain his composure. “U-uhm, n-no problem. Can I come back if I ever...need something again?”

I clenched my teeth, getting nervous when I heard Minhyuk approach. Yi-en had to leave. I wished I could tell him to fuck off and never come back but that would be my very own death sentence. If I refused to cooperate I wasn't worth a thing to the army. If anything I could become an opponent and they couldn't risk that. I'd die if I refused. I sighed. What choice did I have?

“You're the customer. Feel free to stop by, I'll see what I can do.”

Yi-en bowed his head with a hardly hidden smile of relief and I glared daggers at him as he passed by Minhyuk, scanning him for a little longer than needed before greeting him politely. Minhyuk replied with a nod of his and continued to walk towards me with a frown, a quiet ring indicating that Yi-en had actually left the store. I didn't think being alone with Minhyuk for once could fill me with so much relief.

“Who was that?” I swallowed, pretending to check the rack I was standing next to before going back to the counter at the entrance, Minhyuk following my every step.

I shrugged and rejected it as seemingly irrelevant. “Don't know. He wanted a special Japanese brand I didn't know so I had to send him away. Why?”

Minhyuk chewed on his bottom lip while hopping onto the counter to let his feet dangle as always. “I've never seen someone with blond hair aside from Wonho in this area. He was quite handsome as well, I wonder who it was.”

“He's average”, I shot back immediately before I could clench my teeth, clearing my throat. _Composure, Hyungwon._ “Maybe he's new in the area, who knows. I don't care about him if he doesn't pay.” _For everything he has done._

“Savage Hyungwon. That's a whole new side to you”, Minhyuk joked with a whistle and I clenched my hands into fists in silence.

“What did you agree on with the old man?”, I asked to change the topic and he glanced at me from the corner of his eye. I knew he was debating on whether or not to let go of the oh-so-stunning blond that was obviously making me angry. But for what reasons he didn't know. And he wouldn't.

Minhyuk sighed before shrugging. “Nothing. Shownu was there as well, I left early to come and take you home. He'll tell me later.”

“Oh.” I let my finger draw patterns on the wooden counter. “That's...” Nice? Weird? Stupid? Unnecessary? _Tell him something that will make him sad, you can't show what you-_ “That's nice of you.” _Hyungwon, are you serious?_ “Then let's close the doors and go.”

I quickly locked the register and turned off the lights before I could think my decisions over. As long as I didn't think about the Chinese army anything was fine. Minhyuk complied without another word and jumped off the counter, waiting patiently until I turned the key in the front door's lock. But then I froze at a random thought and my hand kept gripping the key tightly. Minhyuk peeked over my shoulder. “Is everything alright?”

I swallowed. Should I risk it? It was better to ask directly, wasn't it? _Great, go on and destroy yourself more. You don't listen to me anyway_ , the voice muttered in my head and I took a deep breath. “What did I tell you about Yi-en?”

Silence surrounded us, broken by the sound of the melting snow's water droplets every now and then. I pulled the key out as slow as I could, making sure that my hand didn't tremble as I waited for his reply. A few seconds passed, I straightened my back and turned to look at the white-haired male but his dark eyes were only showing me confusion. “Yi-...Who?”

Relief rushed over my body and I let the tension go, relaxing my tensed up muscles with a sigh. “A blond asshole from the army who isn't that much of a big deal, never mind. I just thought I had mentioned him before, he's the reason why I don't like blond people anymore. If you don't know him though it's not important anyway. Let's go.”

I left him behind and walked a few steps ahead only to have him fall in step behind me after some time, deep in thought. He would think about that name now, I knew it. But it was better to know for sure that he couldn't make use of it than to fear he might know something. About him. About the commander. Yes, this was much better. I could just avoid direct question in the future, no big deal.

He didn't know – I had no reason to change my attitude right now. I could keep being a member of the Clan and report to Yi-en at the same time. Neither had to know everything about the other. I could do it.

Or so I thought.

 

We came home to find Kihyun stirring a coffee in the kitchen, raising his voice without knowing that we were home. “Kyun! It's ready!” There were some quick steps before a door was opened upstairs and Changkyun came stomping down the stairs.

“Hi guys”, he muttered, pacing into the kitchen and back up the stairs again with the steaming coffee mug now in his hands.

I blinked in confusion while Minhyuk left me behind to walk up to Kihyun. “What's up, something wrong?”

The other sighed and rolled his eyes. “No big deal. Wonho came home and almost passed out on the sofa, we managed to get him upstairs and he's been sleeping for an hour now. He looks horrible and by horrible I mean like a fucking zombie. I guess he didn't get any sleep last night.” He spotted me by the door and smiled warmly before turning towards Minhyuk again. “Kyun was worried beyond words but a bit of coffee will do the deed.”

Minhyuk nodded in understanding but frowned nonetheless. “But why did he stay out for so long?”

“I don't know a thing, he just stood in the doorway like-” Kihyun let his head fall down, pretending to fall asleep standing up and I snorted at the sight. Wonho was tired, now what? If he wasn't sick there was no need to worry.

But Minhyuk saw things a little different. “I'll have a look at him. Hyungwon, come with me”, he stated with a sigh and reached for my wrist as he passed by but I stiffened.

“Why?”

His fingers kept lingering on my skin and I began wondering why I didn't pull my hand away. All I did was stare at him with a frown until he shrugged. “You could leave me and I won't let that happen.” I groaned internally and weighed my options for a moment before letting myself being dragged along.

It was childish of Minhyuk to be this possessive of me. Still the thought of Yi-en's order crossed my mind, accompanied by his wish for me to return to his side. Yeah, right, like hell I would. _I won't go back to him, so it's not like I can leave now anyway_ , I thought, _It's an order._ _I have to stay just to please the higher-ups for the time being_. But how to tell Minhyuk? _I won't leave 'cuz I gotta spy on you, don't worry_? Hell, no.

Suddenly, Minhyuk let go of my wrist as he stomped into Wonho's room and I felt goosebumps appear around the area. The air seemed to be freezing all of a sudden. “Where have you been all day, I was worried as fuck!”, Minhyuk hollered and I stopped by the door frame with my arms crossed.

Wonho was sprawled out on his bed, slowly opening his eyes with a wholehearted yawn. Changkyun stepped back with the still steaming coffee in his hands when Minhyuk positioned himself right in front of the bed. “You're too loud”, Wonho muttered with a voice rough like sandpaper before lazily grabbing Minhyuk's wrist. He then pulled him down abruptly, making it impossible for the white-haired to keep his balance as he fell on the bed next to Wonho who snuggled up to him immediately. “Just five more minutes.”

I tensed up and kept watching when Minhyuk recovered from the shock. His body relaxed in just a matter of seconds, it looked so peaceful I could feel my heart clench. Wonho buried his face in the other's chest with a satisfied sound escaping his lips and my gaze stopped on his blond hair for a moment until I could force myself to look away. I hated that everything, even the _color,_ reminded me of Yi-en. I couldn't bear it.

“Your hands are cold”, I heard Wonho utter as he took Minhyuk's in his to warm them and I glanced at my wrist where the white-haired touched me before. His hand had been warm compared to mine, I didn't notice.

“You're such a kid. Five more minutes? Ha.” Hearing Minhyuk chuckle softly I closed my eyes and could almost imagine his slim fingers playing with the blond hair in amusement. “But seriously, where have you been? You don't smell of alcohol, then what was it?”

“I'm not an alcoholic.” Wonho let out another quiet groan. “I had stuff to deal with, nothing too problematic. I didn't notice how time flew by and ended up getting almost no sleep for forty-eight hours. I'm just tired.”

“ _Where have you been all day?”_

“ _I'm tired turtle, can't we just sleep first?” Yi-en intertwined his fingers with mine as we lay down on the way too small bed and I remember myself pouting in return._

“ _You're never there in the morning to talk though.” He looked at me with a fondness that made it impossible for me to stay mad and I broke our eye contact while chewing on my lower lip. “I just mean...”_

“ _Give me ten minutes”, he whispered, already closing his eyes. “Ten minutes of rest and I'll be back on track and talk to you for however long you want me to.” He grabbed a handful of my shirt and buried his face in the crook of my neck._

I quickly opened my eyes just to find Wonho pull Minhyuk even closer like a stuffed animal and I couldn't bring myself to watch any longer, averting my gaze and walking back into the living room without a word. Wonho and Yi-en. They were just too similar though at the same time they couldn't be any more different, it didn't make sense.

“He's just playing pitiful”, Kihyun interrupted my thoughts once he caught sight of my dark expression and he crossed his arms while sitting on the sofa. “Minhyuk always falls for it.”

I clenched my teeth and took a seat on the sofa opposite to him, drawing my knees up. “You fall for a lot of things when you're too fond of people.” My opponent raised a brow and I cleared my throat. “As long as he gets his sleep he'll be fine, why make such a fuss?”

“My words, buddy.”

We fell silent and I made myself comfortable on my seat but I felt my gaze drift towards the clock on the wall a little bit too often. Five minutes passed. Then ten. My jaw was beginning to hurt from the pressure I put on it by clenching my teeth that whole time. _Shouldn't they be coming down by now?_ I huffed. Why did I care? It was pure nonsense, so what if they were all cozy and cuddly upstairs, it had nothing to do with me. Maybe they had fallen asleep again. _Ten minutes of rest and I'll be back on track._

I couldn't help it, I grew restless, wished I could still do the same as them somehow. Simply fall asleep with someone I trusted. Share such a connection. _You did that once but where did it get you, huh?_ I swallowed and shot Kihyun a quick glance when I felt how I was getting angry for no reason.“There isn't anything to prepare for dinner, is there?” I had to get my mind off these things, there were more severe problems than social relationships. I needed to focus.

Kihyun looked up from the newspaper he had been reading with confusion visible on his face. “Uh, actually there is. You hungry?” I bit down on my tongue for a second.

“I need something to keep myself busy.”

The other male nodded and put the newspaper aside, drawing himself up and hobbling into the kitchen so I followed suit listening to what he had to say about today's dinner.

Once he had given me my task, we fell silent again.

Kihyun cut up the meat while I did my best to turn the vegetables into neat stripes but I kept spacing out and didn't get to finish everything by the time Kihyun was done with his part. The fact that I had something to focus on still didn't chase my thoughts away. Nothing worked. I still had to think about too many things. My mind kept showing me the image of Wonho and Minhyuk huddled up in the former's bed while at the same time reminding me of the factors that would determine my life from now on. Something just didn't sit right with me. The silence I got to experience without Minhyuk's loud and hyperactive nature attracted negative feelings. Fear. Doubt. Worry.

Guilt.

At the end of the day, even if I had promised myself to protect the Clan from everything less than twenty-four hours ago, _I_ was the Clan's biggest enemy. I was a danger to the peacefully sleeping duo upstairs. I was a Chinese spy. I had been forgotten but now that the army had been reminded of me by Yi-en I didn't know how to keep everyone safe anymore. I simply _couldn't_ guarantee it.

“I know that look.”

“Huh?” I raised my head with wide eyes to find Kihyun staring back at me.

“When I had just gotten here”, he mumbled while beginning to work on the vegetables with me, “my mind wouldn't stop replaying various images. Experiences I wished I hadn't made. Things you can't seem to get rid of. Did I do the right thing? Those kinds of thoughts.” _You know the army but you don't know me._ I suppressed a hiss and forced myself to stay quiet. _You can't expect people to understand when you experienced a ridiculously big load of shit._ It wasn't normal to be as pitiful as me. “So I had to fill my mind with other things. Keep myself busy. Focus on something else. And you know what? I started by cooking for everyone in the evening.”

My knife stilled, my heart skipping a beat but I forced my hand to keep moving after a second. “Oh, what a coincidence.” _Coincidence? Be a bit more convincing._ One slice after the other. And another one. And another one. They fell flat on the cutting board's surface like people do when you execute them. There was a time when I connected my job to everything I did, even the most trivial things. Looks like bad habits don't die easily.

“Then I started on cutting hair because, you know, you have to concentrate a lot there. I got good but I can tell you it wasn't actually helping – the whole 'being busy' stuff”, Kihyun continued, the blade of his knife hitting the board in an unchanging rhythm. “I always kept things for myself. If I didn't share them they'd disappear without ever being voiced, those were my thoughts until then. But one day, I broke down and talked about it with Changkyun. Then with Wonho. Then with all of them.”

His knife stopped and I finally noticed how I had unconsciously stared at him in shock for some time. He smiled when his eyes met mine. “I know you won't talk to me first, but don't let it devour you, whatever it is. Get yourself some support. You _can_ do that here – everybody does.”

_Easier said than done when you're trained to betray everybody before they can do the same to you._

I stilled, thought about having to betray the guys, maybe even kill them since they were the source of Delphinium. The simple thought of it made me shiver. I couldn't do that. I had struggled too much to know I could do it without failure. I had become weak, I couldn't allow myself an opening in my wall of defense but it just happened to be that way. Either way I was helpless.

I licked my lips, hoping Kihyun didn't see the struggle in my eyes. He had seen right through my state of mind. He, an outsider. What had I become that everybody could read me like an open book? I put my own knife down and took a step back, slowly. Then another one. I swallowed and turned around without a word, heading for my room to hide and regain my composure. I was losing my abilities. I was making mistakes. I was uncertain. I struggled because of the two parties I belonged to at the same time. It all came crashing down at once.

I was playing a sick game of hide and seek, hiding and seeking at the same time, playing by myself in a crowded place. I could have asked anyone to play along but instead I chose to shut every variable out and play on my own. It worked, there were no insecurities. No unforeseen circumstances. Until that one white-haired kid came by and asked if we could play together.

I buried myself in my blanket, thinking things over, sorting things out and planning new things for later use. Yesterday afternoon I never wanted to return to this house. In the evening I had been convinced to stay. Today I wanted to leave but couldn't because of feelings of guilt. Because I somehow _wanted_ to keep an eye on them on my own accord, wanted to assure their safety. In the afternoon I was told I mustn't leave due to orders. Now I knew I should have stuck to my very first mindset.

Hope and depression; confidence and insecurity; the choice of life or death.

What a shitty roller-coaster ride.

 

________________

 

I spent a whole hour at Wonho's room, serving as his personal stuffed animal and at some point Changkyun just put the coffee down on the nearby table to lie down on Wonho's other side. The blond never let it show when he was tired, this was a rare occasion and we knew he had to have his reasons. _I had stuff to deal with_. I knew better than to ask him about it, he would tell us if needed. The last time he had said that was when he had been chased by some good-for-nothings he had stolen blind at the casino. He had a habit of resolving problems on his own but he'd still come to us for support. Or sleep. In this case it was both.

I heard someone come up the wooden stairs and cocked my ears only to hear a door slam shut a moment later. _Hyungwon?_ I had been serious, I didn't want him to leave, wanted to keep my eyes glued to him. I tried to push myself away from Wonho but his hold on me tightened and he let out a groan. “Five more minutes.”

“You said that for the past hour”, I whispered, unable to hold back my smile at his sulky tone of voice when I squirmed out of his grasp. “Use your other cuddle toy, I'm leaving.”

Wonho opened his eyes just a little, watching me in the twilight of the setting sun. “Something happened, right?”

I rolled my shoulders back to get the cozy sleepiness out of my bones. “Actually quite a lot did. Shownu will tell you later.” I licked my lips and glanced into the corridor to find Hyungwon's door closed shut. So it had been him. He was still there, so I sighed in relief.

“It's got to do with your lover, right?”

I clenched my teeth and glared at Wonho who remained oblivious while wrapping his arms around Changkyun who had also fallen asleep in the meantime. I got defensive. “Don't call him that. He would kill us both. And himself, most likely.”

“You didn't deny he is?”

“My fist will deny it if you don't shut up about that. It's not important _what_ he is; he's Hyungwon. Full stop.” Wonho just chuckled, pulling his blanket up and I let out a sound of despair before leaving the room. “I'm glad I got a divorce, you're impossible.”

I went into the kitchen and fetched me a glass of water, resting my head against one of the cupboards. Something felt weird, I couldn't put my finger on it, but I had a weird feeling in my gut. Kihyun came up to me, I could tell by the rhythmical sounds of his crutches. “Hyungwon has a severe problem, but leave him alone for now”, he mumbled right next to me and I snapped my head around to look at him.

“What do you know?”

“I see myself in him”, the other retorted while calmly returning my gaze. “But he's worse.”

“Do you think he's-”

“Leave him alone and wait for everybody to settle in the garden before talking to him again, you won't get through to him now. It won't help if you're around him twenty-four seven.”

I stopped, forcing myself not to turn and go to him and bit my lower lip instead. “I never said I wanted to talk to-”

“Minhyuk, it's practically written all over your face. As soon as his name is just mentioned you get worried, you didn't even do that when Jooheon didn't come over for a week.” Kihyun nudged my side with a lopsided grin and I sighed, downing the glass of water before pouring me another one. “It's no use drinking to avoid replying to that”, he chuckled and left for the living room without another word.

“Written all over my face”, I repeated under my breath with a snort. “Bullshit.” The water's surface distorted when my breath hit it and I watched the waves appear and disappear. “Can't I even be worried anymore?”

 

Soon after that Shownu got home with Jooheon in tow and we made dinner, ready to eat just a little later. Wonho and Changkyun had come down in the meantime and I breathed in to call for Hyungwon but Wonho who had exchanged a glance with Kihyun put a hand on my shoulder. “I'll go and get him.”

I narrowed my eyes. “You're not going to pull any tricks on him, are you?”

“Not today. We don't want him to fall for me, right?”, he purred with a smirk, causing me to huff and sit down at the table.

“He doesn't even like your hair color anyway.”

He stuck to his words pretending not to have heard mine and what I saw was a quiet Hyungwon who didn't know where to look in order to avoid everyone's gazes. Once we had all come together at the table Shownu spoke up and I forced my attention away from the calm person sitting next to me. “Things about the Clan will have to change.”

Wonho frowned. “What do you mean?”

“We'll have to change the location of the flowers”, Shownu clarified. “We'll take half of the equipment and look for a new place for it.”

Changkyun raised his head, his mouth filled with rice and meat. “How come? There hasn't been a problem in years, why-”

“Well, you should thank our dear Hyungwon”, Jooheon interrupted the youngest with a fake smile.

Shownu shot Jooheon a disappointed glance and Wonho breathed in. “Okay, so we're about to be discovered. Where does the equipment need to go? I can help.”

Jooheon and Changkyun stared at him in confusion. “You're not gonna talk about how the Clan might be ended in just a few days?”, the former asked incredulously and I glanced at Hyungwon whose fists were curling in his lap as he remained silent with his eyes locked on his bowl of rice.

I then looked up to find Wonho's calm and knowing eyes on me. “Is it important? No. If Shownu tells us what to do I won't question it. We need a new place for the flowers? Fine, I'll start searching. You should stop asking questions about the past, guys. It's the future that matters.”

Monsta X' youngest were speechless, unable to react and I held my eye contact with Wonho for a little longer before nodding with a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth. He knew this was about Hyungwon and he knew I was worried, so he decided to brush it off as not important to spare the assumed culprit. Wonho just nodded back and turned to look at Shownu. “So, the Clan's HQ has to move? Where?”

Our leader sighed, massaging his temples. “Most likely to one of the abandoned buildings but we'll have to find one that still has working electricity.”

They went back to eating while discussing the issue and I could see Hyungwon relax to my left when his name wasn't mentioned anymore. He took a deep breath, swallowed and grabbed his spoon to have some of the rice, so I could be at ease. He ate, no heated argument was triggered and he seemed to be relieved thanks to Wonho simply brushing off the reason for the sudden change of plan. I could see Jooheon and Changkyun exchange a few glances from time to time but other than that, they didn't complain or interfere anymore.

 

It didn't take us long to finish eating and gather around the campfire in the garden. Shownu had brought the usual amount of Delphinium for us but he said that we would have to economize for a while until they could be sure the flowers would grow at their new location as well.

I directed my gaze towards Hyungwon who hadn't talked to me ever since we had come home. Not that he'd talk to anyone. He just took the metal bowl, drank and passed it on to me who automatically passed it on to Changkyun to my right.

The bittersweet smell didn't faze me the slightest, my last dose had only been, like, four days ago after all. I was doing good and I wondered why that was. I had tried reducing my drug consumption before but it had never worked, I had always needed more. So why did it now? It was then that I noticed Hyungwon had had a taste of the flower just a single day before but he still drank with the same greedy spark in his eyes. His addiction was getting worse by the week.

Kihyun nudged my foot with his crutch and nodded with a smile, telling me that it was okay to talk to Hyungwon now before he swallowed his own share. I hadn't really waited for this approval, I had just felt it myself as well: Hyungwon needed his silence for the time being. But now he would become Chae again and that was someone entirely different from the Hyungwon we got to see from outside. I just lay down on the dry ground, waiting for something to happen, anything.

While waiting I wondered whether I should use Chae to get information about Hyungwon's current problems but I was quick to push that thought away. It wouldn't be fair. He had to tell me on his own, I couldn't force it. But maybe if I could, hypothetically speaking, convey how much I wanted to know about him _maybe_ Chae could influence Hyungwon but I would never directly ask for his secrets.

Hyungwon was forced to take part in a discussion with Kihyun and Jooheon, having their different opinions overwhelm him and I listened with my eyes closed. It was as though Jooheon wasn't angry. As though he didn't blame Hyungwon for anything that had happened. The two of them kept him busy for quite some time and the soft chatter made me relax more and more. Once they were done discussing, Changkyun had something to say to Hyungwon; Shownu and Wonho joining soon after and I could hear how Hyungwon would get defensive whenever Wonho talked to him but other than that it was a normal conversation. Maybe our traumatized newbie would open up completely if we were granted enough time. We needed time.

But this was how I wanted things to be. Uncomplicated. Friendly. Calm. Normal. I sighed and felt myself grow tired. If the Clan survived for the next few weeks I could get used to this. If we survived I had more time I could grant Hyungwon...

“I'm horribly confused.”

“Huh?” I perked up my ears, suddenly awake when his voice cut through the dulled conversations, and wanted to sit up but Hyungwon was quick to lie down to my left, his eyes directed at the sky through the tent's roof. So he was talking to me voluntarily.

“Confused”, he repeated himself glancing over at the other guys before looking at the sky again. “The past wants to get revenge because I ran away from it for so long.”

I swallowed with a silent nod. “Which part of it came back?”

“Everything. All at once.” He didn't see my frown and I thought about it on my own since he fell silent again. We both knew he wouldn't elaborate any more on this, not about his past, so I was left to solve the riddle on my own. The army? Sangwon? His weird trauma that caused his fear of contact? What was it? _He didn't change much in behavior for the past two days, I thought he was just reproaching himself for what happened_ , I thought to myself.

“You know, I got a bit jealous today.”

 _Jealous?_ I frowned and turned my head towards him. “Why?”

He didn't reply right away and kept staring ahead, giving me enough time to inspect his face – growing fatigue turning my eyelids heavier and heavier. His ghostly pale skin. The slightly narrowed dark eyes that were thinking about something. The slightly scrunched up nose and his full lips that were pressed together as he pondered on whether to talk or not. _I have to be out of my mind to notice these things,_ I thought.

“It was...weird. I didn't know what to do. When I saw you with Wonho today, I...I somehow couldn't watch it. Couldn't stand it”, Hyungwon whispered without ever looking away from the clouds covering the sky and I had to shuffle a bit closer to be able to hear his words. “It hurt to see others have such a connection. Especially someone as calculating as Wonho. Made me wonder why I couldn't have that.”

I blinked, feeling my ears run red without a proper reason. He had no reason to feel that way, we were all sharing that connection. It was normal to me. “W-what about Sangwon?”, I whispered back, “I mean, you are brothers, right? Or wasn't there ever someone you liked or anything?”

“He's dead and nothing will change that.” Hyungwon sighed. “I...I used to believe I had someone. But now I'm just...” Suddenly, he turned his head and we locked gazes, causing me to freeze. “Now I'm alone.” My vision was becoming blurry due to fatigue but I did my best to concentrate on him. “And for once I wish I wasn't.”

“You're not alone”, I mumbled, closing my eyes for a few seconds. “You have me.”

“I thought you would say that.” I heard him chuckle and dug my nails into the palms of my hands in order to keep me awake for a little longer. “If only I could believe it, Lee. I'd love that. If it had been you from the start maybe I would be different now. Maybe... If it was you...”

We stayed silent for some time and I noticed how the others' chatter had subsided as well, silence and quiet snores slowly filling the tent. Minutes passed. Then, I heard something move to my left and forced my eyes open one last time only to stop in shock.

Hyungwon's face was floating _right_ above mine, not even two centimeters separating the tips of our noses. His dark eyes were staring at me with an intensity I couldn't classify and I had to avert mine.

But where to look? I let my gaze dart around, to his cheeks, his ears, his mouth, the mole on his lower lip and back to his eyes again. His breath was stroking my skin, sending weird shivers down my body while he kept staring and my heart skipped a beat.

“What's on your mind?”, I finally managed to whisper, unable to move even the slightest when my eyes were threatening to fall close again.

“Jealousy. Curiosity. Guilt. Choose your favorite.” He was so out of character, this was neither Chae nor Hyungwon, it was something hurt and in the need for affection. Something he had hidden at the very back of his mind even under the influence of drugs. But it was there. Had always been. And I was looking at that part of his personality at that very moment. The hidden persona of Hyungwon, his secret.

“What are you doing?”, I breathed, barely audible even to myself. This could not end well.

Hyungwon's eyes were half-closed and he licked his lips just when I saw helplessness flash across the almost pitch-black orbs. He was lost. He was done. And he was drugged. Nothing could save him from whatever was occupying his mind, he couldn't control anything. Tears were forming in the corners of his eyes when they shot down to my lips and back up again. It was so damn small of a gap that I could feel the warmth he was radiating. He took a rattling breath.

“I...I really don't know.”

And then he closed the gap.

 _Wait, he did what?_ It took me several moments to remember the word describing what Hyungwon was doing while steadying himself with a hand on the ground right next to my head. His lips were molding against mine and I was unable to do anything to stop him.

 _A kiss. That's what you call this._ Soft, warm and helpless. That's what it felt like but there was something else. Something I couldn't put my finger on. My mind was clouded, hell, I had one foot in dreamland already and now this was happening? _A kiss._ Who did that guy think he is?

It's not like I hadn't been kissed before – there had been several occasions when Wonho would overdo it – but this...It felt somewhat electrifying. Was there something wrong with me? I felt myself relax without my consent but that's when Hyungwon already pulled away and I let out a wince before I could stop myself. Suddenly, I felt cold, staring at Hyungwon and his dark eyes through my half-closed ones. His pupils were slightly dilated, making them look as though I was staring at the black night sky.

Too soon did reality hit me right in the face.

 _Dilated._ I had just been kissed by someone who was traumatized to the bone without doing anything to stop him, on the contrary. It was... I searched my brain for that one word I couldn't remember, growing frustrated when I couldn't find it. He must have seen my struggle because he averted his eyes only a moment later. I inhaled. “Hyungwon, you-”

“Lee, can you keep secrets?”, his voice interrupted mine, sounding drained and exhausted.

I clenched my teeth and swallowed with a nod. “I keep more than you can imagine.”

“Good, that's good”, he mumbled still avoiding eye contact at all cost. Several moments of silence passed with me still lying on the ground in confusion while he stared at the blades of grass peeking through his fingers next to my head. Then, he shifted his weight and lay down by my side again, staring at me from the side. “Do me a favor. Just this one.”

“Hm?” I didn't know where the power to turn my head came from but I didn't get a chance to see his expression anyway as he shifted closer, burying his face in the my sweater. His voice was muffled, almost inaudibly quiet.

“Be my secret.”

I swallowed, blinking intently. _Be my secret._ Sober Hyungwon would have laughed if he had heard himself and I wanted to snort but nothing came out. Nothing but a rough whisper. “Hyung...Hyungwon, what do you-” I reached out with my hand to push him away but before I could do so I noticed how his breathing evened out all of a sudden. He had fallen asleep in less than five seconds, how was this even possible?

I licked my lips and stopped when I was hit with the distinct taste of Delphinium. Some of it must have remained on his lips, the word I had been looking for suddenly coming back to my mind. Of course:

Bittersweet.

That's what all of this was. One bittersweet hell of a story. I groaned with the remains of my energy, glancing down at Hyungwon who was buried in my shirt. I didn't have to see it to know he was smiling. It was one of those things he did, those sweet little gestures he would produce mostly when on drugs. The other side of him was the sober one. A rational, sometimes a bit cold and distant character that was trying not to think too much about the world he had been born into. And that was what we were like as well: Close yet distant. Familiar yet strangers. Sweet yet bitter – to the point where it got addicting; our game of push and pull.

And the kiss? My eyes fell close, unable to withstand the sleep any longer. I'd have to deal with it the next day.

_Be my secret._ But Hyungwon, why?

 

________________

 

I didn't know what it was but I had a bad feeling as soon as I came to my senses. Something felt weird. Like always I couldn't remember a thing about the evening before, a gigantic black hole gaping in my memory, so I had to gather hints on whatever had happened. It had been risky, I had done drugs a day after a mental breakdown. A day after Yi-en had found me again. A day after I had caused the others worries by kind of telling on the Clan.

There had been too much going on in my mind, I wouldn't have made it another week without the calmness Delphinium automatically brought with it, but that was also the most dangerous part about this. _What if I said anything problematic?_ What I noticed first was that it was kind of dark around me, the ground uneven and soft, probably grass. _I'm still outside_ , I thought to myself, opening my eyes. It remained dark. Had I gone blind? No way. I tried to move my hand in front of my eyes but it was tangled in some sort of cloth that was blocking the motion. Cloth?

I frowned, only then noticing the warmth I was surrounded by and also something that put weight on my shoulders and neck. And it was moving. I swallowed, inhaling only to have the smell of Delphinium tickle in my nose. I tried to move again but stilled when realization struck me. The cloth my hand was tangled in was some kind of shirt, I could feel a heartbeat underneath.

Suddenly wide awake, I distanced myself from whoever was lying there and got rid of the weight – an arm that had been thrown over me, probably while asleep. My eyes were darting around, trying to grasp how damn fucking close I had been to that person and I forced myself to keep breathing at a normal pace, recognizing the soft facial features and the hair.

Why had I been lying next to Minhyuk? Why had we practically been huddled up against each other? What was the reason for this?

My teeth began clattering when first my commander, then Yi-en and lastly my father flashed in front of my mind's eye. Minhyuk furrowed his brows with a wince, his arm reaching out as though he was looking for something but pulled it towards his body when he didn't find it.

Yes, I had somewhat gotten used to waking up seeing Minhyuk first thing after having had drugs but we would never touch let alone...cuddle? This was something I hadn't done since... I froze, realization dawning to me. _Since Yi-en._ I clenched my jaw to stop the clattering. This couldn't be good, there simply was no positive reason nor outcome for this. I had talked about Yi-en, most likely. Either him or the army, which would also result in Yi-en or things that were...further in the past. My mind didn't accept any other explanation.

Again Minhyuk let out a quiet whine with his eyes still closed and I was sure he was still asleep. “H...won...?”

I did what I'm best at: turn away.

I stood up and left the tent, entering the house and making myself a cup of coffee while glancing at my watch. Seven forty in the morning. I cocked my ears and heard someone rustle in the bathroom upstairs, glancing at the coffee machine before groaning and pressing the button for another mug with my hand shaking. My assumptions proved to be right, it was Wonho who came down the stairs after a few more minutes, entering the kitchen while buttoning his shirt. “Oh, Hyungwon, when did you-”

“You remember everything from yesterday, right? Here, have some”, I interrupted him, shoving one of the two coffee mugs into his hand. “You'd better tell me what I talked about, alright?”

“You're talking to me? What are you, the coffee fairy?” Wonho blinked in surprise, careful not to spill any coffee on his outfit while trying to scan my face, a crooked smirk appearing on his. “Fearing your secret might be exposed?”

“What secret?”

“Everybody knows you have- Ah, bitter.” The gears were spinning in my head, going mad as I watched him take a sip of the coffee and he made a face before adding two spoons of sugar to the brown mixture. “But rejoice: You only talked about your poor cooking skills and the fact that you can't drink alcohol well. No surprises there to be honest.”

 _Cooking skills? Alcohol?_ I tightened the grasp around my steaming mug, not caring about the fact that it was incredibly hot. “That was really everything? Are you sure?”

“That's all as far as I can remember, I dozed off shortly before the others”, Wonho sighed, putting the mug down when his expression turned from playful to serious and careful. “Why you were this close to Minhyuk. Is that why you're asking, you want to know the reason?”

It was my turn to sigh – or rather inhale and exhale very loudly to keep my composure. Of course Wonho would see right through me, it would have been a surprise if he didn't. “Yes. It's unsettling.”

“Unsettling? Dude, you were sleeping, it shouldn't bother you that much, so just cheer up”, the blond muttered and placed his mug in the sink right next to me, making sure to invade my space again. Still I wasn't affected all that much and he stepped closer until I could smell his aftershave, keeping my eyes on the coffee in my hand. He was no danger, at least not anymore. I repeated these things to myself as the seconds passed and I seemed to pass the test. “The changes in your behavior. _They_ are somewhat unsettling.” Wonho stepped away and I relaxed when he walked back into the living room. “Whatever, I'm off for work-”

“Wonho.” He stopped, turning his head and I knew he was holding back a flirty comment on my sudden talkativeness. I licked my lips with a sigh, knowing that it wouldn't help me in any way to get an answer, but I still had to ask. Someone had been so worried. “Why didn't you come home on Sunday?”

A short silence spread and I looked up to find various emotions pass over Wonho's face until he settled on a normal non-flirty smile. “I had things to take care of and still do. It's safe to say that I won't be back tonight either, so, don't wait for me with dinner. Tell Minhyuk that.”

“I didn't say I'd tell-”

“See you tomorrow, coffee fairy!”

 

________________

 

I woke up when the sun had long risen, figuring it had to be around ten in the morning. I opened my eyes and took a look around. A snoring Changkyun was lying somewhere to my right but other than that I was alone in the tent. I scanned the grass to my left, noticing how big the patch of flat grass was and a sudden flashback of Hyungwon burying his face in my chest caught me off-guard. I rewound the scene until I stopped at the kiss, my eyes falling shut again as I groaned.

 _Be my secret_. The sentence had followed me through my dreams and now that I was conscious it wasn't any different. What was it that he was trying to tell me? Where had that behavior come from? It didn't make sense.

Neither did it make sense that it had actually happened: Hyungwon had kissed me, hugged me and woken up before me, leaving not a chance for me to explain a thing. Not that he'd remember the kiss but our close proximity should already have been enough to make him lose his mind. _I really wonder why he did this_ , I thought, letting my fingers graze the blades of flattened grass with my eyes still closed. Chae Hyungwon would never do something like that, regardless of the state his mind was in.

Then suddenly, someone entered the tent and my hand stilled when I listened to the quiet and soft steps while fighting my curiosity by keeping my eyes closed. The sounds alone made clear that I didn't know the footsteps all that well, it had to be Hyungwon. _Should I open my eyes? Talk to him? Remain quiet?_

“I wonder for how long he's gonna sleep”, his quiet voice whispered and I couldn't suppress the way my mouth twitched, wanting to smile at how he was talking to himself. Was that amusement in his voice? A few moments that felt like an eternity each passed until Hyungwon put something small down where he had slept before, rising to his feet and leaving the tent in complete silence.

_Seven...Eight...Nine...Ten._ I opened my eyes to find a piece of paper next to my hand, folded in half so that the writing wasn't immediately visible. I inhaled sharply and grabbed it in a hurry.  _A good-bye letter, maybe,_ I thought before unfolding the paper, letting my eyes fly across the three lines.

_Don't panic. I'm just off to work and will be back._

_Don't visit me and help Shownu instead, I'm fine._

_Oh and Wonho said he won't be back today._

I scanned the lines over and over again. _Will be back._ He had left me a note to tell me that he'd be back in the afternoon? A quiet chuckle left my throat without my consent and I bit my cheeks to stop and focus. Had he even noticed how we were hugging in the morning? _Sure he did, nothing passes him without notice._ Then why did he even think about _my_ panic if he didn't know how to explain his own? It was weird, I had thought him to be more, well, devastated. Because, like I already said: he is traumatized. Obvious but no less important.

I furrowed my brows, still staring at the piece of paper in my hand. _Wonho said he won't be back today._ Had they talked? Maybe the blond had actually done something to help Hyungwon sort out his thoughts but I couldn't be too sure of that. I'd have to wait until the next day when Wonho would come back to ask him. _I wonder what he's up to as well_ , I thought while sitting up and shaking Changkyun to make him come to his senses with a groan. “Changkyun, make yourself useful for once.”

Our youngest rubbed his eyes with a yawn. “What is it, goddammit?”

I stretched my back and let my joints crack one after the other. “Let's make the Clan move.”

 

________________

 

“I just had to be sure”, I whispered when I thought of the note again. “It's not like I care much about his emotional state, he just needed to stay away.” I was reasoning with myself for some time now and I wasn't actually lying, no.

I had written the note to make sure Minhyuk wouldn't come to visit me. Call me an asshole, idiot, whatever you want, but I had to be sure he wouldn't accidentally run into Yi-en again. Who knew what the blond bastard was planning on – judging by his poor acting before he didn't plan anything and that was even worse. I knew I had to keep them apart or Minhyuk might grow suspicious. Why would anyone I 'didn't know' visit me at the shop more than once to ask for some random stuff? I wouldn't have believed that and that was enough reason for me to keep yet another thing secret from all of them.

I waited for Yi-en to bring my nightmares to life again. It wasn't right of me to keep corresponding with the Chinese army but what would you have done in my place? I had been found and now I had the choice between this and going back to my patriotic boyfriend. Nah, I'd rather not, no matter how much good he did me back then. Oh and dying was the third option. Great.

So I waited for minutes, then hours, then the whole shift, bracing myself for the moment I'd face Yi-en again, but nobody came. Not a glimpse of blond. And no white hair either. It was weird how even though I had written in my note that Minhyuk shouldn't come to visit me I caught myself anticipating the moment he'd come through the convenience store's doors again to talk to me about random things. You could say I missed him.

Then I would think of his warm embrace I had woken up to in the morning, retreating into my castle of perfect defense. It had felt as though he wanted to protect me. I couldn't use that when I was actually the most dangerous thing around. Protecting me was dangerous for _him_ and I found myself despising the idea of him getting hurt. _Not a single member of the Clan must get hurt_. I had to make that sure as well.

The sun was still out when I closed the store, reminding me of the fact that the days would get longer from now on and summer would bring warmer temperatures. I walked through the wet streets, puddles of melted snow here and there, and I also remembered that the year had ended several days ago. It was actually rather weird how our feast days would just pass without notice but the Chinese government was to blame for it, we'd only celebrate Chinese new year instead of the 'normal' one. I had gotten used to it but now that I was reminded of it I got somewhat mad at them. Were we not even allowed to celebrate? It was ridiculous.

Coming home there was only Kihyun, the others still out to move the equipment for the new drug cellar and we just casually started on the food before turning on the radio and lying on the sofa without much to do. When the door opened again an exhausted Shownu and Changkyun entered while Minhyuk bounced around laughing and joking with a bright smile on his face. Once he spotted me on the sofa his smile froze a little and I swallowed right away. Did he think about the hug? Was it keeping him busy as well? I couldn't tell but he definitely was careful around me.

“Jooheon isn't with you?”, Kihyun mentioned with a raised brow and Shownu shook his head.

“He was helping us earlier but had to be home for some family dinner, that's what he told us, so we're only five for today's dinner.”

“Just five?”

“Wonho will be out again”, Minhyuk explained and shot me a glance followed by a nod I returned.

Kihyun pouted. “Where's that idiot wandering off to, if he's in trouble I swear I'll-”

“It's Wonho, he's practically the impersonation of trouble. He'll manage”, Minhyuk retorted, releasing a wave of protest coming from Changkyun who felt it necessary to defend his idol.

I rolled my eyes and looked at Shownu. “You moved the things?”

He nodded. “They are in the southern part now, half of it at least. We found a good building thanks to Changkyun.” I managed to form a smile, relieved that it had worked out this well. “I'll go to work as always tomorrow while these two idiots go check on it so there should be no problem. Tomorrow is Seventeen again, we'll raise the price and lower the amount of stuff for a few weeks until we know we're on the safe side with the flowers.”

_Very good,_ I thought,  _whatever happens we have a plan B now_ .

And that's what we left it at.

Changkyun kept defending Wonho from Kihyun's and Minhyuk's nagging throughout the whole evening and I could concentrate on eating and going to bed without any interruptions. Of course I would notice Minhyuk's glances every now and then, the white-haired licking his lips in a hurry when I caught him before averting his gaze.

Something was up but I couldn't say I actually wanted to ask him about it. The more I thought about what I might have said the less I wanted to know. And since he had no intention of talking to me I went to bed without knowing what was on his mind. Without even exchanging another word.

It was a long night.

 


	17. Struggle is a form of growth

The next day went as Shownu had told me before, so there were no actual surprises. Minhyuk and Changkyun would watch over the machines at the new building, making sure there was nothing wrong with the temperature and humidity handling of the flowers' surroundings and I was left alone to go to work. Still no sign of Yi-en, so I kept myself busy with reading the newspapers.

The weather would clear up in the next few days though the temperatures would still be just slightly above freezing point.

My horoscope was 'You master everything after struggling for a while. Keep being disciplined and you'll get to harvest the fruits of your hard work.' I huffed at that. Sure it might have been accurate but you could literally apply this statement to any situation in life. You always struggle and when everything's shit anything will look like you mastered it. No surprises there.

I kept turning the pages, reading of the achievements China had obtained during the past month and all the bad guys they had successfully captured though most of them didn't seem to be all that evil to me. It was all just China pretending that everything was fine. But it was as always: There were no news about the world. I didn't know what was going on outside of China and Korea; nobody did.

So I liked to dream of how the USA would come and save us one day. They had freed Korea from the Japanese after World War Two, why wouldn't they do it again when it came to China? It was the only positive thought that hadn't left me throughout this whole time. A better day would come. And I could only hope I'd be there to experience it.

The ring of the opening door startled me and I quickly folded the newspaper to find Minhyuk at the entrance with his backpack's straps tightly in his grasp. “It's just you”, I muttered my first words since Monday. “What's up?”

“I have to make an unfair deal with Seventeen later and am kind of worried about the outcome. Mind coming along?”

I furrowed my brows and glanced at him for a moment. He  _did_ sound worried and the words he said were most likely practiced in advance, sounding somewhat mechanically. “Why would you need me for that? It's not like I'm the dealer.” I clenched my teeth, hoping that Yi-en didn't decide to grace me with his appearance all of a sudden.  _Yi-en might be slow-witted but he's not_ that _dumb. Keep calm._

Minhyuk sighed, fumbling with his words for a while. “I feel safer when you're with me maybe?” My eyes widened and I dug my nails into the palms of my hands, causing him to start anew. “I-I mean you saved me from Exo all those weeks ago and they didn't even dare coming too close since then anymore, so I just thought you might maybe-”

“You're rambling”, I interrupted him, letting out a defeated sigh. We were awkward with each other but at least he didn't pester me with questions about something I might have said on Monday. Whatever had happened he kept it for himself and did his best to stay the way he always was – well, kind of. How could I deny him a single favor when he was this respectful concerning my overly complicated and stupid personality? “Whatever, I wanted to come along anyway.”

His expression lit up and a smile appeared on his face when he relaxed in relief. “Good. Very good. I'll just stay here until then. It's just another hour, right?”

I nodded, still on edge as I was praying for Yi-en to stay away for another day.  _Maybe he'll only come back next week on Monday, exactly one week after the last visit?_ The thought was horrible because I'd have to live in fear for almost a whole week then and I hated the thought of that. And I knew for sure that he  _would_ come back.

But that day I was just happy he didn't show his face anymore. Not a single head of blond hair passed my field of vision, neither Wonho nor Yi-en.

So I opened the newspaper again, letting Minhyuk sit on the counter in silence as I waited for my shift to end.

_You master everything after struggling for a while_ . Let's just hope this proves to be right for once. Just once.

 

________________

 

Hyungwon had been quiet ever since Tuesday morning and I couldn't really blame him. He didn't know what happened so he couldn't talk about it. I knew what happened but every time I wanted to bring it up I felt like I couldn't say it either. His words were still ghosting through my mind whenever I saw him.  _Be my secret._

Great, I was supposed to keep Hyungwon's doings secret from Hyungwon? Not that easy when you see it like that, right? And I felt like telling sober Hyungwon would result in higher walls to break down. So we spent the days in silence until I plucked up the courage to talk to him on Wednesday to ask him to come along to Seventeen's hideout in the evening. It's not like there was anything to be awkward about, gosh, all he knew was that we had hugged, but it was still somewhat unsettling to be around him.

I survived the whole hour I had to wait until he locked the doors to the convenience store when I felt the need to say something, clutching at my backpack. “Is... Is everything alright?”

He had been tense all this time but I could tell by the way he froze that he thought I wouldn't notice. “Yeah, I'm just...thinking about a lot of things these days.”

I hummed when we started walking towards the tunnel system of the subway. “You want to voice those thoughts? Sometimes that helps.”

“Who said I needed help?” I shot him a glance, raising my brow and he buried his hands in his pockets with a growl. “I hate you.”

“Sure you do”, I retorted light-heartedly, kicking a stone down the street. “They say you should keep your friends close-”

“-and your enemies closer. Yeah, heard that before.”Again there was a certain tension in his voice that had me frown. It felt as though everything I said would remind him of something he didn't want to be reminded of. “But you're a friend. I'd let you know if you were my enemy”, he added with a quiet voice, causing me to smirk.

“Very kind of you, thanks.” He glared at me but didn't manage to keep our eye contact for more than two seconds, averting his eyes with clenched fists. “You're beating yourself up over what happened on Monday, don't you?”

His head snapped towards me. “Did I do anything problematic?”

The memory of his plump lips pressed against mine returned, causing me to swallow. “You didn't, I swear”, I insisted, raising my hands as if to surrender, “but I know how we woke up and I know that panicking gaze of yours. Nothing happened, we simply fell asleep like that.” I licked my lips, hoping for my statement to sound convincing to him. It wasn't  _nothing_ , but I was one of the last persons to freak out over a kiss. Initiated by Hyungwon. Without any reason. Yeah, no, I was totally not freaking out.

“Then why were we, you know...hugging?”, he whispered, obviously still mistrusting of my statement but I could only snort.

“First, there's nothing unusual about that. It's unbelievably comfortable to fall asleep like that and I swear it makes you sleep soundly. Second, I-” I swallowed again, looking at the pavement now. “Y-you said you were all alone in the world. That you were kind of jealous of the connection Wonho and I have. Th-that kind of stuff, so I thought maybe you could use a hug?” _Oh, and you kissed me._

Hyungwon remained silent for a moment, frowning at the ground. “Jealous?”

“Yeah, I was confused since you didn't say much about it.” I kicked a pebble down the stairs to the subway, listening as it hit each step with a _clunk_. Should I ask him about his past? Or the kiss? _Hell no, not the kiss, are you nuts?_ “And-” Hyungwon's steps faltered at my uncertain tone of voice and I could tell he was afraid he had said something I wasn't supposed to hear then, so I continued quickly. “You said your past came back. I asked which part of it but you just said... You just said 'all of it'.”

We walked through the last tunnel separating us from Seventeen and all the other gangs so it was rather dark around us but I could still see the struggle on Hyungwon's face. Nothing could hide that feeling of uneasiness he was giving off. “But you don't know what kind of past I was talking about?” I shook my head. “And you just accept it that way? You don't want to know?”

_I'd like to know why you kissed me but you couldn't answer that either_ . “Of course I want to know”, I retorted after clearing my throat. Now was not the time to be thinking about random details. “I can't tell you how much. But I also know that asking won't get me any further. I offered to lend you an ear many times and it's still valid so I expect you to come to me instead of the other way round.”

Again he fell silent while I was balancing on the long forgotten rails. Just when I began to hear the busy mumbling of many people waiting at the station ahead I looked at him again while rummaging through my backpack. “It would be nice if I knew before you run away again though- ah, there.” I pulled out the book Hyungwon kept about the Clan and handed it to him. “You always have it with you so I thought you might want it today as well, so...yeah.” I picked up speed and quickly put on a blinding smile as I entered the big hall without waiting for his reaction.

 

________________

 

Nothing had changed about Minhyuk's mindset. I could still keep quiet about everything concerning myself and he wouldn't mind – as long as I didn't run away of course. He wouldn't ask questions. And that's what made me feel some kind of warmth spread in my chest as I stared at the book in my hand.

After all this time he still didn't know much but it was okay for him because he thought he understood. The longer he kept telling me that the more I felt like I could actually tell him some of all these damn things; though not everything of course. How weird would that be? ' _Hi, I forgot to mention that I'm a Chinese spy and once I tell them about the drugs you'll all die within the next twenty-four hours, I guess_ ', didn't sound that right to me. No, I definitely had to keep my secrets, this wasn't right.

I couldn't think any more about it as we had reached our destination, the place filled with about forty people, and I tightened my grasp on the book with a sigh. _Let's check the attendance once everything is settled._

The crowd quieted down in a matter of seconds, their eyes pinned to Minhyuk who would always be standing in the spotlight with confidence. How did he manage to smile like that when he knew he was dealing with drugs that could be deadly? Especially now that he had to tell them there wouldn't be as much today. _I feel safer when you're with me maybe?_ Me? A smirk tugged at the corners of my mouth but I was quick to erase it. _Keep your shit together, where did your poker face go?_

“I have an announcement to make”, Minhyuk spoke with a loud voice that echoed on and on through the tunnel behind me. Quiet whispers could be heard from the others, so I stepped closer to Minhyuk and he glanced back with relief flashing in his eyes before turning towards the crowd again. “Our main source is currently undergoing a relocation.”

I spotted Namjoon who listened with a frown, glancing at me as if I would explain him the reason for this decision. But why would I tell them that it was my fault? I let my gaze wander on, keeping my poker face. “Until we can be sure that the flowers can grow in their new home as well we will have to ration the Clan's consumption”, Minhyuk continued and the whispers got a little more agitated.

Seungcheol stepped up, his hand raised like you would do it at school. “So you're trying to tell us that we'll be getting less today?”

Minhyuk swallowed and now that I was standing closer to him I could see the way his fingers would twitch from time to time, indicating his nervousness. He took his time, inhaling deeply. “You'll get three-fourths of the usual amount. But you know the system of supply and demand. I'll still sell it for last week's price.”

That's when the first shouts of objection erupted. “You can't do that!” “You think it's easy for us to gain all this money?” “Must be nice for you who is looking down on us, huh?”

I didn't have to see Minhyuk's smile grow frustrated, I felt it in my own chest. They didn't understand any of this, they didn't know how hard it was to keep the flowers healthy and growing. The crowd was angry and I licked my lips, seeing how Minhyuk didn't know what more to say. I dragged him behind me by his backpack, giving him my book again to have free hands. I hated talking in front of people.

“Look, everyone, the thing is-” My voice didn't get through to them and I felt anger bubble up in the pit of my stomach before letting out a hiss. “ _Hey!_ ”

And they fell silent, the spotlight now shining down on me. I would have preferred the shadows. “We know this is tough, okay?”, I growled dangerously low, glaring at each and every single person sitting in front of me. “You think we're happy about how things turned out? We might get into trouble with China for dealing. We might lose everything and now that I think about it we don't have to sell you any at all. We could just go since you're so  _shook_ about today's deal.” I could feel Minhyuk's fingers grab the back of my jacket as a warning but I didn't care. I could see the fear in the younger gang members' eyes, but I wouldn't spare them. I could feel myself go numb but I didn't stop. “We could just have said you don't get any. The deal's off. Would that be better?”

Seungcheol threw a quick glance at the people behind him. “No, Hyungwon, look, that's not it, but you see-”

“I see it but I can't change a thing about it and you'll have to trust us. We're not lying and I'm not kidding. Take it or leave it.”

I found myself in a staring contest with forty plus contestants but I couldn't have cared less. My gaze would never falter, Yi-en aside nobody had ever won against me in years. Minhyuk and I were the ones in power and I wouldn't let them think otherwise. I was invincible here.

It took us about twenty seconds of tension filled silence, maybe thirty, until Seungcheol sighed, exchanging a nod with Namjoon and a few other gang leaders before letting his shoulders sink. “Alright then. Last week's prize it is.”

 

Minhyuk did his best to put his friendly relations with everyone back together after sealing the deal, explaining how Monsta X had heard about the military looking into drugs and trafficking with ease. He wasn't wrong, but he left out the crucial detail of me being the trigger of it all. I sighed when he moved on to the fourth group of people, dedicating myself to checking the attendance. If anyone asked I was simply counting the amount of people we had to expect for the following week.

There weren't many people missing, two or three having caught a heavy cold and fever – they'd be brought their personal sip of drugs later nonetheless. I added one more name to my list, a girl that had apparently joined Sistar, and frowned as I scanned the crowd again and again. “Hyorin? Where's Bora?”

As if on cue the people around me fell silent. Hyorin had to clear her throat several times until she was finally able to reply. “B-Bora was... She was taken to o-one of the houses.” She swallowed, looking at me with huge eyes. “They'll sell her body to other men, Hyungwon.”

I could barely bring myself to keep the book in my hand. The houses were nothing more than brothels. If the military was hell for any Korean male the houses were the equivalent for females. They were houses of abuse.  _Though sometimes women don't suffice_ , I thought bitterly, tightening the grasp on my pen. The Chinese had engraved it deep into everyone's minds: Nobody was safe. Men, women, children, neither would be spared since we all  _belonged_ to them now.

“I'm sorry”, I whispered, my hand shaking as I drew a house next to Bora's name in my book. Memories flooded my mind and I turned away before I could to look at Hyorin's pain-filled eyes again. “Minhyuk?” I spotted his white hair right away and he perked up at the mention of his name. “Let's go home, yeah? I'm done.”

He licked his lips and nodded in a hurry, standing up and bowing to everyone once more. “I'm sorry again for the trouble, we'll try to fix this soon so everything can go back to normal.”

“You better”, Namjoon growled and I just glared at him before turning to leave through the tunnel, Minhyuk right behind me.

Once we made it to the next station I actually broke the silence, leaning against the station platform with a snarl. “They are so fucking rude, they should be glad I didn't drag you back home without letting you give them anything. Namjoon is so impatient, damn.”

My opponent stopped, staring at me in surprise for a few moments before hopping onto the platform, letting his feet dangle. “Your speech was impressive, I didn't know what to do to calm them down but you were like: 'I'm the boss and you can't tell me what to do you little shits' and all that.” He looked at me with an expression that was probably meant to be intimidating but ended up looking as dangerous as an angry puppy.

A snort escaped my lips. “I was mad at them, like, are they stupid? We were even being generous. You need a more scary image. Everybody would mug you the way you are now, it's a miracle that you're still alive to be honest. You would've been dead without me earlier. ”

“Up until today I was doing just fine without you, excuse you, mister.”

“Sure you did.”

The comments just naturally kept flowing out of us and it went back and forth several times before I finally noticed what Minhyuk was doing. He made me cool down with every lukewarm insult we threw at each other and I felt myself loosen up after a while. Then, silence fell over us and I knew he would use that to change our topic, so I braced myself.

“Why did you want to go all of a sudden?”

“They were mad, I was mad. Reasons to stay: none.”

“No but the real one. You looked a bit shocked when you called me.”

I glanced at the book I was still holding in my hand before turning towards Minhyuk's backpack and slipping it past the zipper in one swift motion. “Bora was taken to one of the brothels. I-I heard a lot about them in the-” I hesitated for a moment, closed my eyes and sighed. “In the army. Yes, I was shocked. She didn't deserve that.”

Minhyuk nodded in understanding. “It will be hell without the drugs, she was pretty addicted. I should tell Wonho, she was just one of the many girls he had a thing going on with but he's talking about her up to this day.” He swallowed and I could see him suppress a shiver. “Look at how pitiful we've become. We used to be a proud land that survived the Japanese rule. Survived all these wars. And now we're nothing more but a bunch of peasants to China.”

I hummed. “Our time will come. It might even be coming before the end of this year, maybe this month. You have to wait. Wait and hope that it gets better.”

“Allow me a question.” I tensed up but Minhyuk stared at the wall of the subway, not observing my reactions for once. “You said you heard about these...these houses in the army. Do the soldiers really go there? Do they enjoy forced prostitution? Are they all like that?”

With each question it felt like another shot went right through my body. My hands started trembling, my breathing got fast and erratic _._ “I-”, I began carefully, not daring to raise my voice, “I've been asking myself the s-same questions.”

It was only then that Minhyuk turned to look at me, taking in the extreme reaction. And then he was already right next to me, putting a hand over mine. “Hyungwon, don't panic. Get yourself together, it's fine.”  _What's the problem? You look...you look stressed out. Breathe, turtle, it's easy. Just breathe._

I slapped his hand away as though it had burned me and buried my face in my knees a moment later.  _Don't panic._ I was trying hard. I forced myself to breathe in and out, lowering the tempo with every time. I was alright, nothing was happening to me. I was alright. I swallowed. “Many.”

“Huh?” I turned my head to see that Minhyuk had put a meter of distance between us, not knowing whether or not to give me space. I scoffed.

“Many are horny bastards”, I breathed, glaring at the tips of my fringe that were falling into my field of vision. _Are you alright? Can I help you?_ “But not all of them.”

I ran a hand through my hair and rose to my feet, avoiding any eye contact with Minhyuk but I knew his gaze didn't leave me once. “Is there something you need to say about that?”

His voice was soft, not scared or weirded out but simply calm and composed. And once again I thought about how easy it would be to just tell him. I swallowed to keep my voice stable. “I need to say a lot of things, it's...It's just not the right time for them.” I clenched my teeth for a few moments. He deserved an explanation for the damn panic attack I had just had and I knew it, but I couldn't provoke a storm. I had to keep it vague so I inhaled again. “My boss back then was a horrible human being. If he even was one. Let's leave it at that.”

“Ok. Uhm-” Minhyuk nodded, his lips slightly parted and he looked like he was pondering on whether or not to ask me something so I raised a brow. He extended his arms, carefully as if I would run away otherwise. “Can I hug you?”

_What?_ I blinked. Once. Twice.  _Hug?_ I lowered my gaze, chewing on my lower lip. “I-I'd rather not.”

He remained where he was for another two seconds before letting his arms dangle by his sides again, not a hint of hurt or disappointment to be found in his voice. “Okay then, let's go.”

And he left it at that.

Our way home was silent but I guess anything was better than having to talk about the commander. Or Yi-en. Or both. Yeah, silence was definitely better. It wasn't all that late, we would never be home before seven in the afternoon on a Wednesday but it was okay. We could have dinner with everyone, it was something I was somehow looking forward to by now; all the rambling, joking, fighting. It had this playfulness I thought I wouldn't experience anymore. Sounds like something a grandpa would say but you get the gist.

“I didn't thank you properly for speaking up earlier”, Minhyuk mumbled while turning his key in the door's lock, ripping me out of my thoughts. He turned around, a hand still on the doorknob when he smiled, not one of those exaggerated, overly cheerful ones but a genuine one. “Thank you.”

I stared at him, completely frozen and unable to tear my eyes away. I didn't know why I let it affect me this much but I was just so much more aware of the changes in his behavior depending on his environment. He would be completely over the top at times but when it came down to serious topics there would be this glint to his eyes that had me wonder what he was thinking about.“N-No problem.” He held the eye contact for a while longer before shaking his head with a huff and entering the house.

Wonho's words from the morning before sounded in my head.  _Fearing your secret might be exposed?_ Only some of them. Some things should be kept locked away from them for eternity. But at that moment I actually spent a heartbeat thinking about all the ' _What if's_ . What if I told Minhyuk? What if he understood? What if he still wanted to help me? What if all of Monsta X thought that way?

A spy doesn't deal with ' _What if_ 's, they said. ' _What if_ 's are for those who are afraid, they said. A good spy has nothing to fear, they said.

That's what they said, what they probably still told their trainees at that time. But they didn't know their spies would have to watch out for me one day. And I was a person to be goddamn afraid of. Yet I'd always wonder: What if?

 

Like he had said before, Wonho was home for dinner but he still didn't mention where he'd been at, not even once. And nobody asked about it. I could feel how everybody practically died to hear the answer but from what I could deduce they trusted him enough to leave him alone until he'd say it on his own.

So this evening passed without special events as well. No confrontations, no arguments, no problems, well, relatively speaking.

Thinking about our short visit to Seventeen and the betrayal I had seen in the gang members' eyes, I figured it would really be fatal if we lost all of the Delphinium. Everybody would be furious without anywhere to let out the frustration. _Let's just hope things will be fine for the Clan,_ I thought to myself, digging my fingers into the thick blanket when my talk with Minhyuk afterward came back to me again. I had been so close to revealing everything to him and since I wasn't filled with regret right away it felt weird. _Can I hug you?_ Why should I let him? And where had that come from? As if a hug could save me from the demons in my head.

I turned in my bed, resting my forehead against the cool wall with a sigh. “But it would be nice if it did”, I mumbled quietly and drifted off into sleep to be haunted by nightmares yet again.

Nightmares that would soon be my smallest problem.

 

Thursday. I came to hate that day more and more. Not only did we have to talk to Exo in the evening but Yi-en also (finally?) decided to pay me a visit again.

The clock had just passed four in the afternoon and I was sitting behind the counter of the supermarket, waiting for anything to happen while thinking about practically everything. Bora being taken to the houses, the warm look in Minhyuk's eyes when he thanked me for speaking up for him the day before. Wonho's random disappearance without reason, hope that the Chinese army didn't find out about the flower and Minhyuk asking me for a hug. Yeah, that kind of random stuff.

I was just about to wonder how we'd face Exo later when the glass doors opened and I found an infamous person there. Now I couldn't say I was surprised; we could finally settle on a distinct time now instead of random visits of his. We would be discovered if he just randomly came by throughout the week and I didn't want others to think I was doing this for him.

“I'm back”, Yi-en stated the obvious, carefully scanning me from head to toe. “Sorry for taking so long.”

I took controlled breaths and swallowed, keeping the counter between the two of us on purpose. “Let's not talk like I missed you.” Hurt flashed in his eyes and I slowly clenched my fists. “You should never come by on Mondays or Wednesdays, there'll definitely be someone here at that time.”

“You sound a lot more relaxed now that it's our third encounter since...then.” Yi-en took a step towards me and I shot up from my seat, getting into fighting stance in the blink of an eye. He inhaled slowly through his clenched teeth. “Or not?”

“You gave me enough time to brace myself, nothing else”, I growled in reply, pressing my knuckles against the wooden counter to let out my overflowing energy. “Let's settle on a day.”

He licked his lips, not daring to look at me for the time being. “U-uhm, what day would be the best for you?”

 _You could just stay out of my life and_ never _come back, how's that?_ “Sunday. Probably.” I had thought about when Minhyuk would come by to visit me and I noticed how he would rarely be there on that day. There was no real safe day but Sunday was the closest I could get to it.

Yi-en nodded. “Sunday it is.” I forced myself to relax when he scanned our products, obviously trying not to stare at me. His voice was nothing more than a whisper. “Anything of importance that has happened? Anything you need to tell me?”

I sat down, eyes pinned to the blond with a burning fire of hate. This guy united everything I had come to hate: China, trust, blond hair, the army... That thing that calls itself love. _You disappoint me, son. Such a disgrace._ I shook my head. There actually was _a lot_ I had to tell him but of course he wouldn't want to talk about me. He wanted to know about things he could report to his higher-ups. But I had to make things sure first.

“I've got a question.” Yi-en frowned, unable to keep his eyes off me any longer and his gaze shot right through me. I swallowed and inhaled. “There might be some guy joining the spy forces. His name is Hoseok, he knows a tiny bit of Chinese. You know him? If you do, please help him survive. He's a friend of mine.”

“Turtle, are you asking me a favor right now?” _Turtle._

I stiffened, pondering on whether or not I could stand a chance against him if I were to attack right now. _You wouldn't_. Of course I wouldn't. “Never mind.”

“No, no!” Yi-en quickly took a step towards me and I flinched, making him stop with a sound of frustration. “No, don't be like that. I'll look into it. Promise. What was his name? Hoseok?” I nodded, noticing how easy it was to manipulate him. He really did have a bad conscience and it felt wrong to use him like that but if I actually had to play the spy he would have to grant me a few favors. Life's a game of give and take after all.

I also knew I'd have to feed him random information every now and then, so I cleared my throat. “Thanks.” _Thanks?_ I had planned on letting him bathe in negative feelings and now I was thanking him? _But he's so desperate to get you back-_ Fuck off, random voice. “There's not much I can say yet”, I muttered quietly, ignoring how a big smile spread on his face after my simple 'thanks'. To think that this was the guy who'd tell me ' _I have too much to lose_ ' before leaving me only a few months ago. I couldn't use him in my life. “There are gangs in this area. A lot of them actually, but they're no threat at all, it's just kids who like hanging out”, I explained with a shrug. “I'll look into that more, it felt weird to me when I first saw it, but it should be fine. You can report that. No threat, just random gangs.”

He examined my poker face for a while longer, fiddling with a strap of his thick shirt's hood. “Gangs? Never a good sign but if you say there's nothing going on it will be okay”, he agreed and I hummed, hoping that my information hadn't been too vague. “I'll tell them so you should watch them for a little longer. Just to make sure. How did you find out?”

“Random encounter while I was wandering around”, I muttered with a nod before scanning my ex-boyfriend – yeah, that's what he was after all – from head to toe. I felt pity for him. Not because I was being so harsh on him, no, because his life, like mine, was just so much of a bad joke.

Yi-en was my puppet while I was his, both victims of lies. And yet neither of us could get out of that twisted situation because the army was the one who pulled the actual strings, who had our lives in their hands. We were soldiers, just two out of millions. This game was useless, why did we both still want to play it?

“Turtle?”

“I'm not gonna talk to you if you keep calling me that.”

Yi-en clenched his teeth, pain written all over his face. “But that's what you'll always be to me-”

“I'm tired of this. You should be glad I can't hurt you physically because of what we had”, I hissed, fighting the urge to give in to him. He didn't deserve me. “So grant me this one wish and just stop.”

I glanced at the clock on the counter, seeing how it was twenty past four. “Hyungwon?” I'd need to close the shop soon and then I'd have to go to the playground for our deal with Exo. I had to get rid of Yi-en before I said something suspicious about drugs... “Hyungwon.”

I stopped, staring at my opponent with wide eyes while his were lowered to the ground as though he felt bad for calling me by my name. Was it that hard on him? “How are your nightmares?”, he asked with a quiet voice.

Should I be mad? Hell yeah. Could I blame him? Not really. Did I want to talk to him about this? Oh, please, no. I licked my lips with a deep sigh and looked past him with an expression of indifference masking my inner turmoil. “As vivid as always. You're a part of them now.”

“Hyungwon, please I didn't-”

“Excuses won't help you. I'm as broken as I've always been. You couldn't mend me.”

He inhaled sharply as though I had punched him right in the face – which I couldn't, just to clear that up again. I couldn't hurt him physically. Sounds cheesy but it would have hurt me more than him. “I tried so hard.”

“Sometimes even your best is not enough.”

Heavy silence filled the air separating us and I swallowed, waiting for anything to happen. So it was him who was the first to move. “If that's...If that's all I'll go back now, okay? It takes two hours and I don't want to walk in the dark.”

“Still scared of ghosts?”

“The only person whose ghost I see won't come back to me.” Even my subtle verbal hits were actually being thrown back at me. _You're haunting my dreams as well_ , he was trying to say, but I forced myself not to flinch, staring out of the window and observing his reflection in the glass instead.

“I don't have anything to say this Sunday. I'll see you in a week and a half then.” _I'll think of something to tell him_.

Yi-en's reflection scratched the back of his head and he sighed. “I...Okay. Well, then... Don't fall sick. Take care.”

“Whatever.”

Long seconds passed until Yi-en left with heavy steps and I stared out of the window for another minute before I allowed my body to relax, sinking down into my chair again. I didn't cry and didn't have to shout, it was some kind of progress. Again I thought I could do it. It wasn't as hard to lie to him as it had been before.

Even if it wasn't much, I had become more independent. I had left him behind, even though it might have been only three steps. Three steps more than when I had been in the army. One step at a time. That's what progress is.

 

I know exactly why I couldn't look Minhyuk in the eye that afternoon when we met at the playground. I felt as though I had betrayed the Clan, especially him, even though I didn't have much to feel guilty about. He didn't seem to notice for once and I was glad beyond words. He was nervous because he'd have to tell his customers that the price went up yet again and I couldn't find a way to calm him down. So we spent most of the time waiting in silence, swinging back and forth on the run-down swings until they finally showed up.

Our opponents were Joonmyun and Chanyeol as always but they didn't seem to get our problem. “So you're telling me we have to pay for _your_ sudden relocation? I don't know, it sounds fishy to me”, Chanyeol muttered to Joonmyun at some point and I decided to go with the same technique as the day before.

“If you don't trust us then you can go home without anything today. We have enough other customers, we don't need your contribution to our bank account, so if you're not going to buy it we can say the deal is off.”

Chanyeol was practically steaming by then and took a step closer to me while I was trying to maintain a straight face – which was hard considering the fact that I had some kind of anxiety disorder that would normally turn me into a sobbing mess. But this was important, I had to show him I was stronger. And in this case I knew I actually was, I had won against him before and I'd do that again without batting an eyelid.

I felt Minhyuk's hand on my arm again but I concentrated myself on the staring contest with Chanyeol the bull until Joonmyun decided to interfere. “You know we don't have a choice.”

I put on a smile that would have caused every opponent's blood to freeze. “You always have a choice.”

“Enough of this bullshit”, Chanyeol growled, hauling off and I was quick to duck away from his punch, riposting with a hit of my palm against his chin. His teeth clashed and he let out an unexpectedly high-pitched shriek, crouching on the ground while clutching at his jaw.

Joonmyun, knowing that saying anything about it would be useless, sighed. “We'll pay.”

Minhyuk shot him an apologetic smile but he just rolled his eyes, probably knowing how Chanyeol had deserved this for some time now. They strode off after a few more minutes, leaving us alone beside the swings and we wordlessly turned to go home.

It wasn't even a minute later when Minhyuk grabbed my hand and buried it in his jacket's gigantic pocket before I could withdraw it, shock causing me to freeze. “What-”

“You shouldn't use your hands to punch people. We've got a language, so use it”, he mumbled with a pout and I could feel his thumb stroke the back of my hand in the pocket. “You're freezing, we should get you some gloves.”

“My hands are always cold, don't mention it.” I tried to free my hand but his grasp was made of iron and he dragged me down the street in indifference. “W-why are your hands warm then?”

“I'm naturally hot, in case you didn't notice.”

I swallowed, blinking in silence as Minhyuk seemed to get what he had said himself, the tips of his ears running red. “Sorry”, he mumbled, clearing his throat, “that was a spontaneous comment.”

I snorted, trying to keep my cool as his grasp was still not loosening the slightest. “You sounded like Wonho for a moment, I got scared.” And I had really been confused but in a weird way I couldn't take Minhyuk seriously. Flirty comments weren't part of his nature, they made him look awkward and ridiculous. It was somewhat fun to watch. We both drew a deep breath or two before huffing again, this time accompanied by a slight smile. “Naturally hot? Use that line on someone who actually agrees.”

“It's _my_ face you're insulting right now, keep that in mind.”

“I'm well aware of it, grandpa-hair.” I ripped my eyes open when I glanced at Minhyuk, pretending to be shocked. “I think I can see wrinkles.”

“What? Where?! I'm not _that_ old, goddammit, my hair is bleached and you know it!”, Minhyuk exploded and I couldn't hold back a laugh anymore. He kept ranting on how Kihyun had more wrinkles than him, resulting in me telling him that Kihyun's were actually dimples.

You know me, it is so rare for me to joke around but that time it just came to me naturally without me having to force my cheerfulness. It just somehow worked with Minhyuk and I was stunned by that fact. I mean, it's not like he was anything special, right? _Maybe it's just stress relief due to Yi-en_ , I thought, my grin faltering for a split second, but I shrugged it off. _So what if it is?_

It wasn't until we got home that I managed to free my hand from his. My hand had rarely been this warm before.

 

Thursday came to an end and the next few days passed in a rush.

On Friday, Minhyuk asked me if I wanted to go see the new flower place with him and Jooheon, but I declined. The last time I had been to the source of Delphinium I lost my mind and maneuvered us straight into this mess, so, no thanks (Jooheon seemed to be relieved es well).

On Saturday, Wonho came back from another all-nighter, excusing himself with work but the more I knew him the easier it was for me to guess that he was lying. I was dying to know where he was going, if only there was a way. Maybe I'd skip work to follow him for one day, but I knew this wasn't very polite. He had accepted me into Monsta X without any doubts and I shouldn't doubt him either but curiosity just got the better of me. If that's how all of Monsta X felt towards me I was really sorry for being unable to tell them anything.

Sunday. No big surprises. I had told Yi-en I didn't want to see him, so he stayed away, it was as easy as that.

But then...

Monday.

I was working, who would have guessed, and kept getting lost in thoughts when it happened. I had heard some kind of buzz every now and then but put it off as the refrigerators doing their work. Four in the afternoon. Only one more hour until I could go home. More than a week had passed since the incident with the officers and I allowed myself to relax – which proved to be a mistake.

The door opened and the blood in my veins froze. There was Yi-en standing by the entrance. “What are you doing here? I thought we had agreed on-” Then I noticed it: as though his mere presence wasn't enough to cause panic he was wearing his uniform. His damn black uniform.

“I was offered a ride, I couldn't say no”, he mumbled, running a hand through his blond hair. “I wanted to tell you that I looked into that guy you named the other day; Hoseok.” I licked my lips, my wide eyes pinned to his face until he nodded. “He's being trained to become a spy. His Chinese is horrible so we're working on that for better communication but I'll help him, like you asked.”

I couldn't be all that happy about the good news as my mind was busy thinking about what the hell he was doing here. I licked my lips and he cocked his head to the side. “Is there something-”

“Why are you wearing your uniform?”

“Huh?”

“Your uniform”, I insisted, actually abandoning my safe place behind the counter to walk up to him. Yi-en looked down at the helmet in his hands in surprise before some sort of happiness sparked in his eyes.

“Right! I forgot to thank you for last week!”

“What do you mean, 'thank me'?” I felt my palms grow sweatier by the second. What had I ever done to help him when we-

“That weird flower thing you handed us on Sunday?”, Yi-en clarified and my heart skipped a beat. “Since it was you who handed it to me I insisted on a lab test and the results were out on Friday. We called another spy in and he confirmed our guess: the flower is used as a drug.”

I knew everything he told me but hearing him elaborate on it in such a calculating matter caused goosebumps to form on my skin. There was only one spy I could think of. “Did Yixing say anything else?”

Yi-en blinked, halting for a moment. “You know him?”

“ _Did he say anything else_ , _Yi-en_?” I lost my cool, raising my voice and my opponent swallowed in shock.

“T-there was no need. We knew we'd have to end the dealing anyway, no matter what. Having them deal without our regulation would result in a feeling of power, so we had to take it away from-”

“You didn't hear him out?”

“N-no, I mean, isn't it legitimate to-”

“You should have fucking listened!” It got quiet around us, my breathing having lost its rhythm and I looked around for my keys. “The flowers, they- Shit, Yi-en, what's happening right now? Who did you come with?!”

“I'm not quite sure”, he mumbled, following me out of the shop and watching as I locked the doors. I had to get to Shownu's uncle before- “They wanted to burn the source, I think.”

“What?!”

“Tu-, uh, Hy-Hyungwon, what is-”

“We _needed_ those flowers, dammit!”, I hollered, unable to keep my voice down as I turned the key with trembling hands, buried it in my pocket and ran. Yi-en wasn't able to follow me right away; he stayed behind, staring after me in wonder until I rounded the first corner. I didn't look back to see if he caught up later, all I knew was that I had to get to the little shop. I had to get there. I _had_ to get there.

So I ran.

The buzz I had heard in the shop, it hadn't been from the machines in there. It had been cars. I was such an idiot. My feet crashed against the gravel with a disgustingly loud sound as I sprinted all the way to the shop.

I could smell it before I had rounded the corner. I could smell wood burn, could hear the roof creak.

I was too late.

When I finally stood in front of the house, there was no car to be seen, they had already sped off in a rush. All that was left for me to look at was that one burning house.

 

 


	18. Disappointment burns better than wood

I had seen houses burn before. I had made them burn before. But at that very moment, fire was the most fascinating and horrifying thing in the world. There weren't many flames yet but you could see thick waves of black smoke emitting without having to guess twice what it was.

 

“ _What would you do if you found a building that's burning? Sanggyun!”_

“ _Try to p-put the fire out?”_

“ _Wrong. Hyungwon!”_

“ _Putting out fires isn't part of our training, sir. Rescuing those who need to be rescued before leaving the environment of acute danger is the first and only thing to do, sir. Regular soldiers will be left, there is no need to rescue those.”_

I, Chae Hyungwon, do solemnly swear-

“ _What if there are important things in the house like special documents? Sangwon!”_

“ _U-uhm, you go back a-and-”_

“ _Wrong. Hyungwon!”_

“ _Leave them behind. There is nothing important that isn't available digitally in our intranet.”_

-to keep the Clan a secret-

“ _A teammate runs back to look for a missing comrade. Hyungwon!”_

“ _Stay away. Comrades are important but it's the most important to survive and report back. The mission is all that matters. Sacrifices have to be made without hesitation.”_

-and to protect Monsta X from whatever comes next.

“ _If you don't go by these rules and we find you later-”_

“ _We'll be punished, sir!”_

From whatever comes next.

“ _That's the spirit.”_

 

The flames kept dancing, their hectic movements grabbing my attention and I shook my head to get rid of the memory. “Shit.”

I ran towards the door and kicked it open without much effort to find that the fire was coming from the basement. _The flowers_. I ran towards the stairs, ignoring the heat only to stop with a shake of my head. There was too much smoke, I would never have survived if I went down there. I covered my nose and mouth with my sleeve to keep the gases out of my respiratory system.

“Where's the old man?”, I mumbled against my arm, blinking due to itchy eyes from the smoke. He had to be there, the shop didn't close until six in the evening, so where was he? “Old man?”, I shouted before erupting into a fit of coughs. With the ground being made of wood, the smoke from the basement passed through the little slits between the planks and filled the room in no time. Seeing anything further away than half a meter got increasingly more difficult.

There was another staircase in the backroom, leading upstairs and I went against my instincts, quickly taking two steps at a time. _Never flee from a fire by moving upward. The smoke will reach you._ I shook my head again, finding myself in some sort of living room mixed with a bedroom. One of the bars creaked and I flinched from the noise. I had to get out of there as soon as possible.

My eyes fell on a lifeless bundle on the ground and I took another deep breath before removing my sleeve from my nose and crouching down. It was Shownu's uncle, lying there with blood trailing down his forehead due to a small laceration. _He's unconscious. For now_ , I thought, quickly throwing one of his arms over my shoulders to heave him onto my back. He was a lot heavier than me but I had been through worse, this was nothing.

I coughed when I accidentally inhaled more of the black smoke, my body shaking as I slowly made my way down the stairs. It was so hot down there, the flames seemingly melting the skin off of my bones but it was still easier to get out than expected – the ground hadn't become too weak to support our weight so I could carry the older man out of his shop, put him down on the street and turn to watch the house burn for a moment.

The wood kept creaking and even though I had only been to the shop twice it felt like it was my house I saw. The flowers were gone, at least half of what had been there. I sent a silent thanks to whatever deity might hear me for giving us the time to save at least some of the plants. We would be lost without the drugs, physically as well as mentally.

The longer I stared at the house the angrier I got. Another cough shook my body before I straightened my back. The cold air filling my lungs took away the toxic substances bit by bit and I felt a new wave of energy flood my system. _How dare they eliminate the base like that_ , I thought bitterly, scrunching up my nose when recalling Yi-en's cold explanation. _How dare they hurt the Clan? They should have asked me. Or heard Yixing out_. “I'm gonna punch some sense into him the next time”, I growled with clenched fists, unable to watch the tragedy in front of me any longer and I looked at the old man behind me.

He was breathing but it didn't look good for him, so I quickly wrapped his arms around my neck again, starting a quick walk back to our house. Shownu's uncle kept wheezing for a while before he quieted down and I shook his body with a little more force than necessary, trying to get him to his senses but it was in vain. He remained unconscious even when I slammed the door to Monsta X' house open.

“Who is it?”, I heard Minhyuk ask from the kitchen as I dashed into the living room to put the man down.

“Me”, I panted in reply, quickly taking off my jacket while grabbing a towel from the kitchen, not caring about the completely baffled Minhyuk standing at the sink. “Where's the next hospital?”

“H-hospital? What- Hyungwon, why, you-”

I paced back to the couch, my fingers curling around a nearby water bottle on the way and I started cleaning the area around the man's wound before wrapping the towel around his head in an attempt of stopping the bleeding. He wouldn't die from blood loss, if there was a cause it would be the gases he inhaled until I found him. He needed a hospital that would get them out of his system and he needed it fast.

It wasn't until then that Minhyuk glanced into the living room and grasped the situation, letting out a gasp when he recognized the man. “Hyungwon, what happened?!”

“The house was burning”, I stated as a matter of fact, measuring the unconscious man's pulse. Weak. But there. “Minhyuk, where is the next hospital, goddammit?”

“U-uh, I think it's, uhm-”

I could hear steps above me and Kihyun came down the stairs with Changkyun casually tagging after him. They looked as though they wanted to ask why I had raised my voice when they saw Shownu's uncle and their eyes widened. Kihyun almost fell over limping to the sofa while scanning the old man's body up and down. “Hospital. Now.”

I nodded, trying to keep my cool. “That's what I'm saying. Where?”

He swallowed. “About half an hour from here. I know a shortcut. Changkyun, you take him, I'll lead the way.”

I expected the youngest to not get the situation and protest but much to my surprise he just nodded and did as he was told, hauling the man onto his back without much of an effort. Kihyun licked his lips. “What do we need to know?”

I was stunned by their quick actions, blinking twice before answering. “Toxic gases. The house was burning, he probably needs an infusion. Get him to the hospital and get him there as fast as possible. Will explain the rest later.”

Kihyun nodded, signalizing Changkyun to follow him and they were past the door in a matter of seconds, leaving me behind in a silent room. _He will make it somehow, they'll get him there. I believe in them_ , I assured myself with a deep breath. I was in no position to do anything now, all I could do was wait anyway. But why was it so quiet, wasn't-

I turned to find Minhyuk still staring at the sofa where Shownu's unconscious uncle had been lying just a minute ago, frozen to his spot. “Hey.” I took a deep breath, feeling how the adrenaline subsided and left me drained of all energy.

I waved my hand in front of his face when he didn't react and he blinked. “Huh?”

“Are you okay?” His dark eyes were pinned on my face now, lips pressed together for a moment.

“Must be the shock.” I nodded but frowned at him when he kept staring without the signature smile returning to his face. “You are covered in soot.” I glanced down at my hands, seeing that he was right; there were several dark stains on them, probably from supporting my body while taking the stairs in the burning house. Minhyuk grabbed my wrist, dragging me out of the room and up the stairs. “Let's wash it off.” _That's all he's saying?_

I didn't resist, didn't let the urge to rip my wrist away take over. Something felt weird about his reaction. His fingers were as cold as ice and the pale skin formed a surreal contrast with my soot-covered hand I couldn't tear my gaze away from until he sat me down in the bathroom. I came to my senses to shake my head. “Minhyuk-”

“There, wash your hands.”

I eyed him suspiciously at his distant tone of voice. His gaze met mine, causing me to inhale sharply. “Voice it”, I ordered, seeing the trouble in his eyes and suddenly, his facade cracked to show me worry.

“He'll be fine, right?” I scrubbed the black dirt away on my own, looked at myself in the mirror and quickly removed the last stains of black from my face as well when slim fingers clutched at my sleeve a second later. “You think he'll make it?”

I blinked to avoid getting water in my eyes, cocking my head to the side. “He inhaled a lot of gas, I'm not sure, but confident. It's not as bad as it looks.” I was about to turn to go back downstairs but he kept his fingers curled around the fabric of my shirt. I felt my heart thump with more force, warning me about the close proximity but I couldn't move away. Or move in general. His gaze was so captivating, his despair causing something to move in my chest.

“What if he's not strong enough?”

I stilled at his whisper, allowing myself to lean down a little while grabbing his shoulders with both of my hands, not breaking our eye contact even for a second. “It will be fine. It could have been a lot worse, I'm glad Yi-” I clasped my mouth shut, just for a split second, and cleared my throat. “I heard some customer talk about how there was another shop burning. I had a bad feeling and got there in time. I'm positive Shownu's uncle will be fine.”

Minhyuk took a rattling breath and I saw the struggle in his eyes, deciding to shift the topic towards business. I hoped it would calm him down. “There was no chance of saving the flowers, the fire came from the basement.”

He clenched his eyes shut for a few seconds, taking controlled breaths. “A problem with the machines?”

I shook my head, my mood turning entirely foul just by thinking about it again. “I heard cars. It must have been the officers. They must have caught on with the flowers after last week, when I-I-” Realization hit me once more and I let go of Minhyuk's shoulders in a hurry. “I'm the reason Shownu's uncle was almost killed.” _Another life I endangered. You swore a damn oath, Hyungwon._

I took a step away but he quickly held onto my shirt again, the front this time, to keep me where I was. “Don't ever do that again.”

I swallowed, taken aback by the threat in his voice. Do what? Hand over the Clan? “It won't happen again but it's too late now anyway, so-”

“Didn't mean that.” He hesitated for a moment before pulling me closer until he could rest his forehead against my shoulder, having my breath hitch at the sudden contact. “Don't put the blame on yourself all the time. You always do. Stop. We're all at fault for letting this happen.”

I shivered, my breath shaking a little as I inhaled. “It's better to have one person to blame instead of seven.”

“Is that how you live your life?” He buried his face further in the crook of my neck and I jumped back in alertness. Spacing out. Mood swings. Random actions. Wrongheaded physical contact. I froze.

“How long did you not have drugs?”

The hand that had held onto my shirt slowly curled into a fist. “I'm fine, there's no headache. Cool, right?”

I groaned, running a hand through my hair. First the burning house and now this. I turned to look through the cupboards. “Where do you deposit the extra flowers?”

“I don't want them, you have them instead”, he insisted, shaking his head as I left the bathroom to look through his room. How long did he resist the flowers? It was no surprise that he was unable to focus. “You'll need them more, Hyungwon. Look, I'm fine even now! I made progress, didn't I?”

“Yeah, you're doing great but I won't risk you having another flash-” I cut myself off. Minhyuk was still sober, I couldn't let him know about how his past returned when not taking drugs. Shownu and the others had warned me about it and I believed in their words. If they said it wasn't good, I'd not mention it. “No, your body needs this”, I corrected myself firmly, finally finding what I had been looking for in a box under his bed.

“Hyungwon, don't-”

“You need to.”

“Are you worried?” I stopped, glancing back at him in surprise, noticing how his eyes widened at the sight of the flower but other than that he looked completely fine, a little bit dazed maybe.

“W-worried?”

Minhyuk smirked. “It sounded as though you were worried about me. You care?”

I twisted a flower between my fingers, not daring to let my shock show any more as I plucked a petal, trying not to inhale the sweet scent. I recalled the day he had collapsed in the store, screaming at me in horror. I didn't want to see that ever again, it looked painful for both parties, the one experiencing and the one watching it. My lips turned dry and I glanced at the white-haired male once more. His eyes were glued to the flower, his body now seeming to lose all of its energy just by seeing it. As if he was fine as long as he didn't think too much about it. I didn't like seeing him like that, like a predator having spotted its prey, and I groaned.

“Yeah, I kind of do, so do me a favor and take this.”

Minhyuk blinked, tearing his eyes away from the flower to lock gazes with me. His breathing was a bit weird and I noticed how he leaned against the door frame more and more for support. His expression showed me fatigue and strain but at the same time hope, happiness and delight. He smiled, his eyes forming tiny crescents as though he couldn't believe what I had just said. Neither could I.

“Finally.”

And then he collapsed.

“Minhyuk!” I let the flower fall, the two petals in my hand as I closed the short distance to make sure he hadn't hit his head too badly. “Minhyuk, are you awake?”

No reaction. I pressed my index and middle finger against his neck to check his pulse. Pulse at rest. A sigh escaped my lips as I forced his mouth open, placed the petal I had plucked on his tongue and closed it again. It would give off its oil even without him chewing, it was the body heat that already caused some of the liquid to leak and mix with the saliva.

I then wrapped my arms around his torso to drag him further into the room, resting my back against his bed while putting his head down on my thigh. It was okay. All I could do now was wait anyway. Wait for Minhyuk to wake up. Wait for Kihyun and Changkyun to get back. Wait for anybody to come home.

The thing with waiting is you start thinking about all kinds of stuff with nobody there to stop you. Ten minutes passed during which I plotted how I would confront Yi-en the next time I saw him. I tried not to think about how sad it was that he had to walk home yet again after watching me run away. I would have some explaining to do the next time. Convincing explaining.

I sighed, lowering my head to examine Minhyuk for a moment. Seconds. Minutes. My fingers reached out to thread through his white hair without my consent and a quiet hum of his could be heard.

 _Finally._ Why would it make him this happy to have me say that I cared about him? It would be another lie to myself if I denied it. When had things turned out to be like this? I didn't even let him touch me when we first met and now I was worrying about his physical and mental state, watching over him in his sleep. Yes, I was worrying. I cared.

A bitter taste filled my mouth but I swallowed it with a clenching heart. Care was a feeling made in hell to test people's honesty. Once you care you cannot let them go without another word. It was a trap you could never get out of. I chewed on the inside of my cheek, bringing my free hand up to Minhyuk's throat, feeling his pulse beneath my fingers again. I could simply have gotten rid of him a long time ago to avoid possible attachment. I could still do that now.

But I didn't want to.

More minutes passed.

I traced a vein with my index finger and he squirmed for a moment before snuggling into my side, grabbing my hand in his sleep. His fingers threaded through mine as he pressed it against his chest like a stuffed animal. I stilled, my heart skipping a beat. He was asleep, couldn't control what he did, but these small gestures were enough to make my breath stop. I wanted to pull my hand away when at the same time I didn't. It caused me to tense up just to have me relax a moment later. I knew these symptoms all too well.

My hand stopped stroking his hair, my eyes focusing on our hands and then his face with a sigh.

“You could be Yi-en all over again”, I whispered, not knowing what I was actually saying myself. This wasn't good. I couldn't use whatever I was trying to tell myself subconsciously. It was more than bad.

“It makes me anxious”, my mouth continued without me being able to stop it. “It revives memories I don't need.”

Minhyuk's grasp on my hand tightened and I clenched my teeth. “It's nothing but me growing attached because you pretend to understand.” I licked my lips, eyes scanning his face again and again. “You wouldn't be like this if you knew.” _If you knew about me communicating with Yi-en. If you knew about me being a spy. If you knew about me being a coldblooded fighting-machine._

Well, he could probably figure the latter by now, but what if he knew everything? What would his reaction be?

The front door of the house opened with a creak and I was ripped out of my trance. Someone was home. I glanced at my watch to find it to be half past five. “Anybody home?” _Oh great_ , I thought with a roll of my eyes, _Jooheon._

“Upstairs”, I hissed, not daring to raise my voice. Only half an hour had passed, Minhyuk would be a pain if he woke up now.

The staircase creaked and Jooheon glanced into the room with a frown. “Drugs?” I nodded, causing him to sigh. “He's so stubborn, trying to increase his tolerance-” His eyes fell on our linked hands but I was too lazy to free mine let alone explain this to him. There was no explanation. I swallowed instead, trying to keep my voice steady for various reasons.

“We've got a severe problem.”

Jooheon pointed at the white-haired male but I shook my head. He dropped his backpack onto Minhyuk's desk before sitting down on the chair. “Spit it out.”

“Shownu's uncle is at the hospital. At least I hope he is by now.” The younger shot up from his seat again. “Kihyun and Changkyun are taking care of it. I-” I licked my lips, glancing down at Minhyuk once more with a hiss. “The shop was burnt down by the army. They found- They _probably_ looked things up about the flower.”

Jooheon started curling and uncurling his fists, not sure of how to react and I averted my eyes. “Yes, this is probably the aftermath of last week and yes, you may beat me up again, but not now. I don't want to wake Minhyuk up when he's on drugs.”

“The sad truth is beating up won't help uncle”, he hissed, “You said Kihyun took care of him?”

I nodded, blinking rapidly as he ran a hand through his hair. “He wandered off with Changkyun in tow without hesitation.” Jooheon licked his lips, sighing a quiet 'good' before leaning back and my frown had him huff.

“Kihyun knows his stuff about medicine. I don't care where he learned that, be it the army or self-study, but I trust him with taking care of uncle.”

I let out a sound of understanding, my eyes darting down to Minhyuk when he squeezed my hand again. “You only call him 'uncle', why is that? I mean, I don't even know his name, but he's _Shownu's_ uncle, right? And-”

“His name is Changjung and he _is_ Shownu's uncle”, Jooheon cut me off, “but I feel like he could be my own as well.” He stood up and stretched his back with a quiet groan. “I spent years of my life with him as the only adult I could tell practically everything.”

“But you're returning to your family every evening, you do have your parents.” It was too late when I remembered that he had told me they were rarely home before. “Ah, you said-”

“My parents are cowards that hide behind China”, he retorted, throwing his hands in the air and Minhyuk squirmed on my thigh, pulling my hand closer. Jooheon caught the little action and bit his bottom lip to calm down. “Let's not talk about them anymore.”

I was quick to nod, watching as he picked up his bag again. “Jooheon?” He stilled, expecting me to comment on his grumpiness and I actually grinned a little, feeling how Minhyuk's chest raised and lowered beneath my hand. “Mind getting me something to eat? I'm starving with this leech clinging to my leg.”

“Poor soul”, Jooheon snorted, leaving the room. “Then starve.”

After talking like polite people do he dropped that comment? I sat in silence for about a minute, not knowing how to rate our conversation when suddenly an apple rolled into the room and past me without a chance of reaching it. I huffed in disbelief. “Really now? You missed.”

“Well, sorry, Hawkeye”, Jooheon retorted from outside the room and a second apple rolled in, bumping against my now stretched out foot.

I couldn't suppress a short chuckle I tried to transform into a cough as I carefully leaned forward to grab the apple without waking up Minhyuk. “Thanks.”

“Whatever.”

 

Six o'clock passed. Then half past six.

The front door opened again and I could hear Jooheon fire questions at whoever was back, concluding that it had to be Kihyun or Changkyun, maybe both. Minhyuk hadn't let go of my hand until then and I carefully untangled our fingers with my free hand, causing him to wince. “Minhyuk, the guys are back”, I mumbled, lifting his head to move my leg for the first time in what felt like eternity. I groaned when I found that it had gone to sleep, slowly rising to my feet.

Minhyuk let out a whine, rolling over to sit up. “The guys are-” He rubbed his eyes with a yawn but then stopped in confusion. “But they just left? And why are you-”

“You... You were asleep for some time. I'll head downstairs then.” I scratched the back of my neck, wanting to leave.

“You drugged me.” His voice had me turn to find him staring at me in shock. “You did, didn't you?”

I frowned. “Uh, yeah, you were-”

“I was fine, Hyungwon”, he interrupted me, getting to his feet as well, “I was overwhelmed by, uh, by...” He trailed off for a second, furrowing his brows. “Shownu's uncle, right. Everybody would be, alright?”

“It was just one petal.” His tone of voice was an angry one, catching me off guard and I felt my defenses rise. “It was the best thing to do.”

“I could have gone without drugs for a little longer-”

“You were fucking unconscious. When I say it was the best for you I mean it, okay?”, I growled dangerously low, taking a step closer and glaring at him before I could stop myself. “Yes, I drugged you. It was all I could do.”

Minhyuk stared at me with wide eyes, swallowing while struggling for words. “T-the best...I...”

I inhaled, clenching my eyes shut. The more I admitted to caring about him the more I felt myself fall back into old behavior patterns and this wasn't fair. It wasn't fair, neither for me nor for him, so I dismissed it with a curt movement of my hand. “Forget it.”

I more or less fled the room before he could say anything else, finding Jooheon in the living room with Changkyun. I swallowed, trying to get Minhyuk's shocked expression out of my mind. What was so bad about it? He had gone without drugs for, like, ten days maybe? It would have been a problem to put off the evil hour any longer. I didn't want to ask him but as curiosity got the better of me I decided to do so later.

I looked at Changkyun while sitting down on the sofa. “Where's Kihyun?”

“We ran into Shownu a few minutes ago, Kihyun has gone to show him the shortcut. He'll be back in no time.”

“How is Show- uh...Changjung?”

“Kihyun got medical expressions thrown at him, I was waiting outside and didn't get a thing, but judging by his face he was not all that happy about the results.”

I chewed on my lip. That couldn't be good, no, it was definitely bad. Jooheon groaned, tossing and turning in his armchair. “I should have gone there myself, you're no help.” He directed his gaze towards me to distract himself. “How's the leech?”

I sighed. “Awake.”

 

________________

 

It wasn't that I was mad at Hyungwon for drugging me, or at least not only because of that. Even though I denied it, I knew I needed the chemicals in my system. It was legit. But I was mad at myself for various reasons.

First, I had passed out. Second, it was Hyungwon who had to deal with me, not Wonho as usual. He had probably been really uncomfortable, I could only hope that I had slept through the jag. Third, I had temporarily forgotten about what happened before I lost consciousness.

I had holes in my memory, more than usual even though they were filled again after some time, and I figured it had to be because of the way I delayed my Delphinium consumption. If I went without it for an even longer time the effect could be horrible. _Only one petal_ , Hyungwon had said. Why did this few have such an impact on me? Did it mean I wouldn't escape the drug's claws; ever? Or did it mean I was on the best way? Both were possible.

I went into the bathroom, splashing water into my face to wake up. _When I say it was the best for you I mean it_. Since when did Hyungwon want what was 'best for me'? And why did he stay with me for, what, an hour and a half? Why would he? My hands grabbed the sides of the sink when I leaned on it, staring at myself in the mirror.

“You're thinking too much. Don't start reading into it, Minyhuk”, I whispered, water dripping from my bangs and nose. “Thinking won't get you far with this guy.”

I dried my face with my sleeve before going downstairs, not knowing what to say to Hyungwon and he obviously had no intention of initiating a conversation, leaving me with Jooheon and Changkyun to talk to. Thankfully Kihyun came home about five minutes later and I rose to my feet, wanting to ask him how things went but Hyungwon beat me to it.

“Smoke intoxication?”

Kihyun nodded with his lips pressed into a thin line. “They are doing their best to keep him alive. They said if he had been exposed to the fire for any longer he would be dead without doubt by now. He's attached to all kinds of machines, he'll be fine for a little longer.”

His choice of words was not very satisfying and a question lingered in the air I dared to voice as a whisper. “For a little longer?”

He put the crutches aside and sat down on the sofa opposite to me, the one Hyungwon was sitting on. “They need to operate since his lungs are too damaged and his skin is severely burnt here and there, he needs transplants. But we need to pay in advance. They're afraid we won't be able to pay since we're just a bunch of kids to them, no matter how old, so they want to make sure we do.”

“Bastards”, Jooheon hissed with his fists clenched. “How much?”

“Too much. We've got no medical insurance”, Kihyun retorted with a sigh. “A hundred and eighty grand.”

“What? Are you fucking kidding me?!”, Jooheon exploded, slamming his fist down on his armchair in frustration and I buried my face in my hands when Hyungwon spoke up again.

“How much money does the Clan bring? After all I know it should be enough, isn't it?”

I shook my head, still not looking at him. “We don't bring a lot of it to the bank, they'd grow suspicious. The result is that Changjung has most of it stowed in his shop – you can figure the rest. We also keep some of the money I get from my two weekly deals but it's by far not enough.” My mind was working on possible solutions, anything would be fine, no matter how hard or complicated. But I couldn't think of a quick way to gain more money. “They are right, we can't afford it.”

“Bullshit”, Jooheon growled, focusing on clenching and unclenching his fist now to calm down. “We'll make it somehow, I could-”

The front door opened and I shot up from my seat again to find Shownu standing at the entrance, a mix of shock, anger and sadness visible on his face but before we could say anything his voice cut through the air. “I don't want anyone to talk about this right now.”

I licked my lips with a pitying expression. “Shownu, we can-”

“I said I don't want to talk about it, so shut up. Don't talk to me.” He slammed the door shut and hurried upstairs to bury himself in his room and leave us in silence. Every day, hell, every hour was important for his uncle. Every second that passed brought him one second closer to falling sick beyond hope of healing and we needed solutions.

I turned towards Kihyun again. “How long do we have?”

“They said he could do for another two weeks, we have at least ten days to collect the money they said.”

I ran a hand over my face before pushing my bangs back with a groan. “Alright, I'll try to raise the Delphinium prices for two weeks. I don't know how much money Wonho has saved on his bank account, but we might be able to do this.”

“I could... I could ask my parents”, Jooheon mumbled quietly, causing me to lean over to pat his shoulder with a sigh.

“You can but it's your choice. I'm positive we can manage. Changkyun, when is Wonho going to come home?”

“Don't know, he doesn't tell me a thing about where he's trespassing these days.”

Again I let out a huff. He'd be back in forty-eight hours at the latest, it would still be enough time. _We have at least one week_ , I reminded myself, massaging my temples and I threw a hesitant glance at Hyungwon. “What about your pay?”

His eyes were staring right through me and I suppressed the urge to avert my gaze as he spoke. “It's not all that much, I've only been working there for, what, two months? It might be ten thousand Yuan if I'm lucky, haven't counted yet.”

“That's better than nothing, good.”

 

I was lying in my dark room once again, finding myself in a staring contest with the ceiling.

I had tried talking to Shownu, knocking on his door several times but he wouldn't come out. When I pressed my ear against the wood I could hear a sob every now and then but when I tried to enter I found the door to be locked.

There was nothing I could do for him in person, so I had put a flower in front of his door before telling the others to consume their share whenever they wanted to but to economize. We needed every bit of what we had left, I could only pray for the flowers to grow well in their new home.

Wonho hadn't come back until I had decided to retire and of course I was worried as fuck. And as if that wasn't enough, my conscience decided to remind me of how rude I had been to Hyungwon, the overall number of problems causing me to toss and turn in my bed without a chance of falling asleep.

I groaned, deciding to solve the only of my three problems I _could_ solve by standing up and sneaking into Hyungwon's room. “Hyungwon, you asleep?”

Even if he had been the sound of my voice would probably have woken him up anyway, I figured, scratching the back of my neck. He turned to look at me but it was too dark to make out his expression. “Last time I checked you were mad at me.”

I chewed on my bottom lip, slowly moving closer to his bed while trying to get a glimpse of his pupils but I couldn't. Was he high or not? “I wanted to apologize for that. It was unfair and I should trust your decisions. Sorry.”

He sat up and leaned against the wall with his legs crossed. “I can hear a slight 'but' in there.”

“It's nothing, I'm-” I sighed, fidgeting with my shirt as I tried to find the right words. I had only been mad at myself after all. “I just don't like the way I reacted to the drugs, it doesn't sit right with me, that's all. It's got nothing to do with you.”

“I see.” We spent several moments in silence during which I didn't know what more to say to him while he kept staring – I could feel his eyes on me even in the dark room. “You have nothing more to say?” I stopped playing with my shirt and looked away. _Right, I shouldn't pester him too much. I wanted to apologize and so I did_. _I should leave._ “It's all tough on you, I guess. You don't want to talk about it?”

“It should be enough if it's only me thinking about things”, I retorted quickly, my fists now buried in my pants' pockets but, much to my surprise, Hyungwon didn't let it go.

“It's not good on the long run, believe me. Sit...Sit down.” My eyes widened when he stuttered these words.

“Are you, I mean, did you have drugs?”

“Unbelievable.” A snort escaped his lips. “No, I didn't, I'm sober. Now sit and tell me what's on your mind.” I leaned closer to his face, watching as he flinched with a start. Chae wouldn't have been shocked about me invading his space, which is how I knew he was telling the truth. But Hyungwon had just asked me about my worries, wasn't that more confusing, what on earth was going on?

I sat down on the edge of the bed, swallowing quietly. “It's...nothing new, but seeing Shownu like that – or rather _not_ seeing him – makes me feel horribly helpless. I'm worried about his state of mind. And about his uncle. Other than that there's also Wonho. And the whole Clan. I don't know, it's just-”

“-too much”, he interrupted me with a short sigh. “Legitimate. You feel responsible for all these things but you can't find any solution.”

I let out a groan. “What am I supposed to do then?”

“About Shownu? I can't say much about his personality”, Hyungwon admitted calmly, “but he'll probably come to his senses soon. Give him tonight, it's probably hard on him as well. We'll see what we can do about Changjung.” He stretched his limbs and I could tell he was tired. “If the Clan has to break apart then it will, all you can do is act as usual. Sell the drugs we have left, watch over everyone but try to keep smiling. As always. Meanwhile I...I might look into Wonho myself, don't bother with him.”

I was surprised – he actually reacted to all of my worries. He was determined to calm me down and it confused me all the more. _Try to keep smiling_. Yeah, I could do that. And what did he mean when he said he'd 'look into Wonho himself'? Why would he?

But I didn't ask. I noticed how his head fell to the side every now and then and grabbed his arm to get him to lie down. “You should go to bed, you're tired and don't you dare telling me otherwise. Where's your flower?”

“I don't want to lose consciousness, I'm not taking it”, he retorted, burying himself under his blanket before he added something with a rarely heard tone of voice. An _amused_ tone of voice. “I'm still not over our hug, you know?” Since when did he joke about that? Or talk about it in the first place?

I squatted down with a huff, elbows resting on his mattress. “It wasn't all that bad, you're definitely over it.” _If I managed to push the kiss aside you can deal with a goddamn hug._ I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes – not that he would have seen it anyway.

“I could do other stupid stuff.”

“I won't let you, I'll watch over you. How's that?”, I suggested and was once more surprised when he nodded after a few seconds of thinking it over.

“Probably better than having to deal with withdrawal symptoms tomorrow, huh?”

“Everything's better than that.” He mumbled something about 'downstairs on the table' and I was quick to tiptoe down the dark stairs with my eyes now getting used to the complete darkness. “There you go”, I said once I got back to his room, handing him the small thing and he examined it with a sigh.

“I wouldn't do this if I didn't need it.”

“That doesn't matter. You need it so you take it.”

I watched him pluck several petals while sitting next to the bed before he glanced at me again. “Good night, Minhyuk.”

A smile tugged at my mouth's corners when he swallowed the blue things raw. “Good night, Hyungwon.”

A few seconds passed until he spoke up again, his voice now a little dreamier in my ears. But it could also have been my imagination, of course. “And you won't leave after I fall asleep?” I shook my head and he moved closer to the wall, making room on the bed. “It's not good to fall asleep sitting down. Come here.”

I weighed my options for a while, coming to the conclusion that if I said no he would get whiny, not falling asleep until I obeyed his commands. So I crawled into bed next to him but still kept as much distance between us as possible. I didn't want him to be startled again when he woke up in the morning.

He didn't let me have it my way though and huddled up against my chest without a word. I didn't point it out. If he could sleep like that I wouldn't have to deal with him for a long time.

Don't get me wrong, I actually liked talking to Hyungwon, Chae or whoever I was facing, but the whole person of Chae Hyungwon had caused me to reach a new level of confusion the week before. It was one thing that he got clingy and touchy-feely like this but it was another thing that he showed his feelings more openly when he was sober. It was exactly what I had wanted before but I could see how he scolded himself for showing that he cared. He hated himself for trusting me by now – I knew he did, he couldn't hide it anymore. But it would be okay. His mask was breaking apart after having been littered with cracks for a while now. I was slowly but surely piecing the original Hyungwon back together it seemed.

And I liked that. I looked at him in the dark, examining the contrast of his pale skin against his dark hair until my eyes landed on his pouty lips. He had grown so dear to me, it was crazy. Definitely not normal. Something he had said during his first weeks with us came to my mind again, something that had stuck with me for a while now.

 _You mustn't seriously like guys_.

Hyungwon flinched, only half asleep, and I unwittingly pulled him closer, tugging his head under my chin. He let out a sigh and pulled the blanket up to his nose. “Thanks, Min...h...” He didn't finish his sentence, trailing off due to sleep finally getting the better of him, but his quiet whisper still caused me to smile.

It was then that I decided not to care about that rule of his, that you mustn't like guys. It...it was too late anyway. I couldn't tell him and I knew it, but admitting it to myself was already a huge step.

I, Lee Minhyuk, dealer of the Clan- “I seem to like you, Chae Hyungwon. A lot, actually. So you'd better tell me everything about you soon. I don't care how dark it is anymore”, I whispered against his soft hair, breathing in his scent.

The way we were then, I wished we could have stayed like that for a little longer when I closed my eyes. Just a little longer.

_I trust you and you trust me._

_Finally._

 

________________

 

It was no surprise to wake up with Minhyuk's arm thrown around my upper body. And to be honest, I didn't mind half as much as I should have. It felt familiar and somewhat cozy. _It's because it reminds you of Yi-en._

I sighed, slowly distancing myself so that he wouldn't wake up from the sudden movement, and went downstairs without reviewing last night's happenings twice. Minhyuk had promised to watch over me – which he really did, judging by the fact that he was still there – and I let him. I let him sleep right next to me – though I didn't remember him crawling into bed. Let him stay when I was vulnerable to the core. And I didn't worry more than when I let Sangwon do the same back when we had still been sharing a room.

The only difference was that I was well aware of the fact that Minhyuk was not my brother. That he was the same kind of stranger Yi-en had been when I first met him. Someone who would help me out of my situation, laugh and talk to me, listen to me. The more I thought about it the worse it got because the outcome was always the same: Minhyuk _was_ in fact Yi-en all over again.

With Wonho not being home and the others either asleep or out already my morning was ridiculously calm and the good sleep I had gathered over night had charged my batteries again. The way I knew Yi-en he would come again to ask me about my weird reaction from the day before.

I scribbled down a few words on a note and put it on the bed like the week before, just to make sure Minhyuk wouldn't freak out when I was gone. Just to make sure he didn't come over. To make sure he didn't worry, maybe.

And after allowing myself one more glance at him sleeping soundly, I left the house.

 

I was right.

Half past twelve and the door opened with a quiet tinkle. “Are you alright?”, Yi-en asked without hesitation and I abandoned my perfect defense – the counter – once more to shove him back with a huff.

“ _Are you alright_?! That's all you've got to say?” I glared at him, cursing myself for noticing that his scent was still the same that had me soften every time. Not today. I hated how weak I was when it came to him and at that time my anger was stronger. “You ruined everything! You and your Chinese friends!”

Yi-en blinked, a hand on his chest where I had shoved him. “What are you saying?” He should have been _so_ glad I couldn't hurt him because this would definitely have landed him a few punches.

“You-” I pointed at him and clenched my teeth, drawing a deep breath. “You destroyed the one thing that's calming hundreds of people down. The one thing that makes them forget about their shitty situation. The one thing that-” I stopped myself when a thought came to my mind. _The one thing that turns them into calm lambs._ Now that there was no longer enough Delphinium for everybody they would go crazy. Cause havoc. Do exactly what I hadn't dared to imagine in my wildest dreams.

They could actually start a revolution, I hadn't lied to Yixing when I told him that during our first clash. Yes, they were only a bunch of junkies but it was a gigantic bunch of junkies. The Clan could achieve things if it remained hidden. If I didn't tell Yi-en everything.

“The one thing that made them happy”, I ended my rant, biting back any other bad remarks and lowering my voice. “It will be horrible to see them suffer now.”

“Hun...dreds?”, was all Yi-en could utter and I stared at my feet when he took a step closer, less than a meter separating us now.

“It was a network I told Yixing about when I found him”, I mumbled, choosing my words as carefully as possible. “That flower was a drug that made them happy even if it was just for the moment. Nothing dangerous. I knew- I _know_ the shop owner whose house was burned down yesterday quite well and I-” I let my voice trail off and took a rattling breath to evoke pity – which worked of course, because I know Yi-en.

“I didn't know it was like that”, he breathed and I forced myself not to run away when he slowly reached out and put a hand on my shoulder. My hair stood on end but I didn't move so he didn't notice. “We...We had to act quickly, you know? There's quite some shit going on on the outside. There was no time to ask you again and Yixing- Well, we didn't hear him out, I know, but-”

I gritted my teeth and raised my gaze to stare back at him. That sounded like an opening. “What kind of shit?”

Yi-en took a look around, making sure we were alone only now, before leaning a bit closer and another wave of shivers went through my body. “They say America is going to declare war on us, turtle”, he whispered, but then quickly licked his lips. “H-Hyungwon. They were busy with their own people until a few years ago, yes, but it seems like they feel threatened by us now. Not that we are harmless but we didn't mean to get into a fight this early, it was-”

“War”, I breathed with wide eyes, excited and horrified at the same time. “You- We are going to war?”

Yi-en's fingers dug into my shoulder as he swallowed. “I wanted to tell you yesterday but...Yeah.” A hiss escaped his lips and he looked at me with a pleading gaze. I knew what he wanted to say before he had to voice it, shaking my head in advance.

“I won't come back, there's too much for me to lose here.” _I've got too much to lose._ To think that I would use his own words on him one day. And he knew. He looked betrayed and I averted my eyes, staring at the street outside. “I've gained their trust, if anything were to happen they would let me know. I can't give this up.”

“You are always doing so good at your job”, Yi-en said bitterly, cursing under his breath. “If only you were depending on me a little more...”

That's when I shook his hand off my shoulder. I couldn't believe he had said that out loud. “It would make things a lot worse for me. And you. Believe me”, I whispered, unable to stop my head from shaking from side to side. He had always tried to make me depend on him and on him only. He had been successful before but that was long in the past for me. I didn't need him anymore.

“You might run into more people like the commander. It makes me sick to even think of that. I don't want to see you this broken again, turtle.”

He couldn't let go of that nickname, could he? He always had to remind me of all my weaknesses at once. He always had to make me the victim again.

I returned to the counter, feeling a lot lighter once he was out of reach. “Then stop thinking about it. And stop checking on me.” I didn't want him to have power over me. I wanted him to be far away, to never come back and leave me alone. I was living a good life though it might not have looked like that to him. But with America on China's doorstep, things were getting a little difficult, it was true. “Where is the next armory located? I'll get myself some things to stay safe-” I swallowed my pride and sighed before glancing back at him. “-so you won't have to worry if we were to get invaded.”

His expression lit up like a dog's when he was praised for being a good boy and I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. We had both been like that but it was just cheesy and somewhat disgusting for me at that moment. Because I could finally see the self interest behind his actions. He quickly described the way, scribbling down a few directions on a sheet of paper, and I felt like it was near the path Minhyuk and I had taken when going to Exo for the first time. It sounded rather easy so I just nodded on and on.

“You'll find it? I could take you there or-”

“You have other things to worry about, I'm a grown man”, I interrupted him, probably sounding playful to his ears when I was being dead serious. “China will go to war, you can't worry about me only. I'll be fine.”

He wanted to retort something but the door opened with a chime to reveal a random customer and I bowed my head with a smile before returning my attention to him. “Anything else you need, sir?”

He licked his lips and glanced down at the sheet of paper on the counter. “N-no. Thank you and have... have a nice day. I-” He made sure the other customer was at the far back of the store. “I hope I can come by again soon, but I can't tell for sure”, he whispered, reaching out for my hand only to stop halfway. “Stay safe, tu- Hyungwon. And stay strong.”

I resisted the urge to laugh out loud and lowered my gaze instead. _Be pitiful, you have always been good at that._ “You too.” I wanted to add a _don't die_ but it would have been too much for me. Too much I didn't mean for real. Yi-en knocked on the counter with a smirk before moving out, throwing one last glance at me and I caught myself holding my breath until he was out of sight.

War.

I hadn't thought it to be possible. The thing I had been hoping for for ages was coming true, just like that, and I was not prepared at all because I was held up by the problem with the Clan. But I could use that to my advantage. If America was really going to declare war on China, all we had to do was weaken the country from the inside. We were only a small part of the expanse of China's area of control but anything would be fine. All that was needed was a distraction. And if edging the Clan on was all I could do to help Korea get back at China, that's what I would do. If I went down, I'd drag some of them with me.

It was that very day I decided to go completely rogue.

 


	19. Persuasion is the art of lying convincingly

My decision to let everything go and rebel was underlined when I heard that Shownu's uncle, Changjung, really hadn't made any progress from the day before. Shownu kept burying himself in his room, Jooheon didn't come home due to some kind of family event and Changkyun and Kihyun left rather early to secure themselves a bed at the orphanage. I had tried to convince them to stay, offering them my bed but they declined with thanks. If that was how they wanted it to be I wouldn't hold them back, it was their choice.

Minhyuk looked more and more worried, his expression darkening throughout the evening and I watched him go upstairs around ten o'clock. They were the same reasons as the evening before, I knew it. It was half past ten when the door opened and Wonho entered, brushing back his blond hair. “There's quite some wind blowing”, he complained, coming into the living room and I raised a brow at him.

“You don't know about the storm raging in here.”

He cocked his head to the side and I sighed, explaining the situation yet again, noticing how his mood dropped lower and lower by the minute. “And that's why we need all the money we can gather”, I concluded my summary. Wonho kept his eyes locked on the coffee table, his elbows resting on his knees as he stared at my glass standing there.

“I can't offer enough money right now either, it's a severe problem.”

“You can't?” I turned towards him on the sofa with a frown. “Weren't you a banker or something?”

He grinned though with a little strain visible. “Yeah but, uh-”

“Oh, there's something else”, I interrupted him with a cold whisper. “Minhyuk is fucking worried about you. He couldn't sleep yesterday because all the worries piled up. Why don't you just tell us where you've been at? You could even tell me and I wouldn't tattle.”

Wonho's eye twitched before a warm smirk appeared on his face. “You've become soft. I'm not home for a week and you're all trusty and caring? What happened?”

“I'm choosing my allies”, I replied as a matter of fact, swallowing the bitter taste his words created in my mouth when something else came to my mind. “Did you, you know, have drugs yesterday? Since you didn't come home and stuff...”

“Yeah, I always have some with me in case I can't make it home due to work. Not only have you become soft but worried as well? What's the matter? Tell uncle Wonho.”

I let out a snort. “I'll pass, thanks. Maybe later when you tell me where you're loafing around all night. Don't say it's work, you wouldn't have money problems if it was just that.”

“Soft, worried and yet tough, you're getting more interesting by the second, honey.”

His flirting didn't affect me half as much as it did when I had first started living with Monsta X but it might be because he kept his distance. He was joking, he didn't mean to crack me – again. Wonho was on my side though he didn't know what kind of side it actually was. _To think that we would be on friendly terms so soon_ , I shook my head with a little smile. “You should go and show your face to Minhyuk.”

“Nah, thanks, I still want to be alive tomorrow. You tell him”, he retorted, stretching his back with a squeal. “I'm off to bed, see ya tomorrow.”

“Hey, asshole, you-” He didn't listen to me and just skipped up the stairs as quietly as possible before I could hear his door close, leaving me alone again. “ _You tell him_ ”, I muttered with exaggerated sarcasm in my voice as I went upstairs as well. “Bastard.”

Of course I stopped in front of Minhyuk's room with a sigh, slowly pushing the door open. The moon shed light into the small room, making the boy's white hair shine a little. It looked calm and I walked up to his bed, crouching down and examining his sleeping face for a moment. _Peaceful_.

“Minhyuk”, I whispered but he didn't budge, so I reached for his hand, shaking it a little. “Hey, Minhyuk.”

He groaned, clenching his eyes shut with a frown before slowly opening them. “What?”

I smiled softly, suppressing the urge to stroke his hair out of his face by reminding myself that I wasn't here to amuse myself with his sleepy state. “Wonho is back and he's alright. I just wanted to tell you.”

He glanced at my hand on his, blinking slowly before threading his fingers through mine. “Did you give him a proper beating?”

I grinned into the semi-darkness at that but untangled my fingers when realization hit me a moment later. “I'll leave that to you tomorrow. I'm too tired to cause any severe damage I'm afraid.”

“If you say so”, he sighed snuggling into his blanket. “You want to stay here overnight?”

My heart skipped a beat and I kept my gaze locked on his closed eyes, thinking about it for a moment. I was somewhat tempted to say yes, but rationality and sanity got the better of me. “Maybe next time”, I whispered back, rising to my feet with another glance at him before I turned to leave the room. “Sleep well.”

“You too.”

If only the whole world were this innocent and uncomplicated.

 

Sadly, it isn't.

And that's how I faced Wednesday afternoon. I had thought about whether or not to tell Minhyuk about what I knew but it was no use; I had to tell him anyway if I wanted to start a revolt. I grabbed his wrist when we were about three stations away from Seventeen. “Minhyuk, wait.”

His eyes shot down to out hands with a frown before he raised his head to look at me with an uncertain smile. “Oh oh, this is important, whatever it is.”

I nodded, lowering my voice to dim the echos it created in the wide tunnel. “There is... There is going to be a war soon.” Minhyuk's smile fell. “D-don't worry, we're going to manage somehow-”

“A war?”, he muttered under his breath. “Why? H-how do you know?”

I let go of his wrist and scratched the back of my neck. “I... I listened to the radio and they said something about that. A-America is negotiating with China and it doesn't look good.”

He looked me in the eye and we stared at each other for several seconds before he shook his head, just a little. “You're lying.”

“No, there's really going to be a war”, I insisted but Minhyuk's head-shaking didn't stop.

“You didn't hear it on the radio. That must be the lie.” My breath hitched, it was just a short moment, but of course he picked up on it with a smirk. “I can finally read you. Are you not going to tell me about who you got that information from?”

“You're not concerned about the fact that there's a fucking war coming for us?” His gaze didn't waver and I licked my lips, eyes directed at the ceiling. “Having connections is necessary to stay informed after you leave the army.” It was vague and could be interpreted in different ways but it was the truth.

Minhyuk inhaled and closed his eyes. “Okay, fine. A war. What will you do against that?”

“Nothing.” More silence followed until I nodded to make my opinion clear. “A war is all that could save us. If it's going to happen I won't stop it.”

He examined my face with a hint of pain in his eyes. I couldn't bear it and looked away. “You're going to fight.”

“I will fight for my country.”

“You'll fight because you hate whatever China has done to you.”

“I'll fight for whatever _I_ deem worth it. Nothing more and nothing less.”

Minhyuk turned away and buried his hands in his pockets with a groan that might as well have been a curse. “How much time until it starts? Do your _connections_ know about that?”

I shook my head though he couldn't see it. “I told you all I know and it's not much. All we can do is get ready because it's inevitable.”

“Not that as well...” Minhyuk ran a hand over his face and through his hair with a sigh. “Okay. Okay, let's talk about this if we're still alive after telling the others ahead that we're down to half of our original Delphinium.”

I chewed on my lower lip. Of course he had to tell them that, I had almost forgotten about it and hissed before an idea came to my mind. “Can...Can _I_ tell them? They need to know we're not at fault.” _Well, I'm at fault but let's not think about that, shall we?_

Minhyuk frowned at me. “You're going to blacken China's name more? Are you sure you want to do this?” I reached out for his shoulder but he started walking again, burying his hands in his pockets. “Fine, lone wolf, go ahead. I can't hold you back anyway.”

I felt bad for not telling him everything. I felt bad for being this vague. And I felt bad because he was right: He couldn't hold me back.

So we walked through the tunnels in complete silence except for the gravel scrunching beneath our feet until we reached the station Seventeen and the others gathered at. There was a certain tension in the air and I let my gaze wander from Seungcheol to Namjoon to the other leaders, my fingers curled around my bag's strap.

“So, how much is it today?”, Namjoon spoke up even before everyone had quieted down and Minhyuk lowered his gaze.

“The same as last week and I'm still being generous.”

I closed my eyes with a groan. He should have raised the price, he knew how much we needed the money yet here he was unable to disappoint his customers and, at the end of the day, his friends. Seungcheol was quick to agree on the offer, seeing my discontented expression, and Minhyuk was just taking off his backpack when I put my hand on his shoulder to pull him back a little. “I won't keep this from you for long but I need to make something clear.” I could hear a mixture of groans and agitated whispers and inhaled before switching into the intimidating mode I had only used on them the previous week. The turtle mode, as Yi-en would call it.

“Yes, we have a severe problem with our stocks. We told you we had to move our base last week, didn't we? I'm going to be honest, we lost the original base only two days ago. It was burned. If we hadn't moved, there would have been nothing left at all. Things are pretty tense right now.” The whispers grew worried and I stared at Namjoon whose frown deepened more and more.

“There's always someone trying to keep you away from what's making you happy, right?”, I continued, raising my voice to mute the whispers before looking back at Minhyuk. He chewed on his lip with uncertainty and I blinked, trying to ask him what was wrong without words but he just grabbed my sleeve and stepped up to my side again.

“But it's not us.” His voice was quite steady despite his hectic eye movements indicating how nervous he was.

I managed to form a smile and returned my gaze towards the others, taking the backpack from Minhyuk's hands. “Now, whenever you have your share of this-” I grabbed a flower and held it up for everyone to see. “I want you to remember who our actual enemy is. Who the one trying to take away everything that cheers us up is. Who made us into what we are today. It's neither me nor Minhyuk.”

I narrowed my eyes at the flower. “Never forget that China is our only enemy in this matter. No, in every matter.”

Silence filled the station once again and I counted my own breaths until Namjoon stood up, dusting off his pants. “Chinese officers burned your stocks?”

I nodded. “Most of them, yes.”

“This is the last straw.” He stared at me for a few more seconds before turning towards the others. “It's like he said. Don't you think we've had enough of them taking everything we need? Everything we enjoy?” He glanced at his own gang. “They even take those who are dear to us. Brothers and sisters. Hearing Hyungwon talk like that, I'm sick of it.”

I exchanged a look with Minhyuk who was still uncertain, his fingers curling around my arm but I knew I had achieved exactly what I had wished for. Rage. Hatred. They needed to be aware of it.

Namjoon licked his lips with a nod. “I thought this before but I want to voice it here now: I will never obey the Chinese. I'd rather die. At least I could escape from this hell that way. They want us to feel miserable just because we look helpless to them. They are playing with us!” He shook his head and I was surprised how confident and spontaneous his words were. “I don't want to be helpless. I don't know about you, but if there's a moment we have to choose our side, I won't stand in the Chinese rows just because they threaten us to do so. I will stand strong.”

“But we're all alone”, Seungcheol mentioned with a sigh after having finished collecting the money. “What could a group of, what, fifty people do against a whole army?”

Namjoon clenched his teeth. “If one starts, others will follow. I won't hesitate to make the first step.” Tension filled the air and I stepped forward to put down the bag of flowers, exchanging it for the batch of money. “I don't want you to start fighting now. I just want you to keep reality in mind. We might temporarily escape it with drugs but it's still there. And one day it will come crashing down on us, so be prepared to make decisions then. Enjoy today's evening. I hope there will be many more of them in the future but we can't be too sure about that, right?”

Seungcheol bowed his head. “We will remember that.”

The tension didn't subside, even when the first people started whispering to each other again, and Namjoon looked at me. “Can I talk to you outside for a moment?”

I uncurled Minhyuk's fingers from my arm and looked at him with calm eyes. “I'll be back in a moment. Go talk to the others.” His gaze darted around before he nodded and I followed Namjoon up the stairs, out of the station.

He spun around the moment I had taken the last step. “You're used to giving speeches, aren't you?”

I swallowed, licking my lips. “I used to do that from time to time. I could ask you the same. Why?”

He put a hand on my shoulder and I flinched at the contact. I hated when random people initiated contact and he cleared his throat in a hurry. “I met up with another group, far away from here, and they said there was something big coming for us.”

I frowned. “Something big?” _He doesn't know about the war, right?_

“I don't know what it is”, he hissed, running a hand through his hair, “but I heard the south is preparing for a rebellion. You didn't hear that from me, alright?”

My heart skipped a beat. Another rebellion, how much of a coincidence could that be? I forced myself to maintain a blank expression. “Then why are you telling me this?”

Namjoon looked down the stairs where everyone was talking, laughing or shouting. “One rebellion won't be enough and we both know that. We need more than that. The whole country would have to stand up for this to even have the smallest success rate. It might as well be a suicide squad.”

I nodded. “I'm aware of that. Where is that group you mentioned from? Sounds like they could help.”

“I can't tell you about my connections, I'll deal with the details myself. I just... It would just be nice to know I have an ally here. Will you be that for me?”

An ally? That was all he wanted? He had just given me more information than I could have hoped for, my plans had worked better than expected. “Of course I will, if that's all you want to hear.” He smiled at me and I bowed my head a little. “Oh, I asked around, uhm-” Did I really want to say this? Was it too much of a hint? No, he deserved it. I owed him this much. “I heard Hoseok is fine, but I know nothing for certain.”

Namjoon's eyes widened but he knew better than to fire questions at me, his smile only widening. “Really?”

I nodded again and was about to reply when I heard steps behind us and spun around to find Minhyuk coming towards us. “Hyungwon?” His hand found my arm again. “Let's go home, yeah?”

He sounded weird and I furrowed my brows before glancing at Namjoon once more. “Sure. We'll be leaving then. Enjoy yourself for now, okay? We'll...talk another time. Are you back at your station?”

The BTS leader was still grinning due to the good news about his lost gang member and gave me a nod. “I'll be looking forward to it.”

We then turned around and left for Monsta X' house, leaving the agitated crowd of young adults behind.

 _Forty-eight hours and so many new revelations_ , I thought, glancing at Minhyuk clutching at my right arm. The way things worked out until then I believed we could make it. We could make a difference. We could be useful for once. And most importantly:

We could be unstoppable.

The two of us walked in silence for a few minutes during which I could not suppress my delight. What more could I have wished for? In just two days my future prospects had made a U-turn and even though we were heading towards war, I felt good because we could finally _do_ something. Change everything about how Korea was viewed. We would no longer be weaklings oppressed by China but rebels with a pride of their own. And maybe we could be free again. I never supported having dreams but suddenly everything seemed possible, at least for the moment.

But then, Minhyuk stopped in his tracks and when I turned to look at him my smile wavered.

“Are you happy now?”

Something was off about his tone of voice and I removed his hand from my arm. “It's all just the way I planned it to be. Why? You're still going to tell me how I shouldn't edge others on? Come on, you've seen them, I merely gave them a push and-”

“I-I didn't mean to think about it too much and that it would be okay but-”, he interrupted me with a groan, chewing on his bottom lip before walking into the light of a street lamp. He then held on to the cold lamp post as though he needed support. “There's that one thing I remember about my past. Something I don't talk about often, because...why should I?” I cocked my ears. Hadn't he said he didn't remember a thing?

“I really know nothing about my mother's whereabouts, that's no lie-” _Because you forgot about that part_. “-but my father left us when I was maybe fourteen years old. He left to fight back then, that's all I remember. It's...I don't know what happened but he certainly didn't come back or else I wouldn't be here, right?”

I nodded in understanding and he inhaled again. “I'm happy things worked out well for you, but after your speech down there everybody kept talking about causing havoc and rebelling. I feel like it's all going to repeat. I know it's not very optimistic but I can't stop thinking about it.” Minhyuk stared at me with pain sparking in his eyes and I felt goosebumps appear on my skin. “Everybody is going to fight and I'll be left behind when nobody comes back. I will be on my own again and I'm scared.”

“Scared”, I whispered when realization hit me. So that was it. That weird tone to his voice. The unease on his face. I hadn't even thought about the possibility of being afraid of war. I should have paid attention to what he thought of my idea but that was exactly what I had been trained to be oblivious to before.

I was used to giving and receiving orders without questions, I couldn't change the fact that the military had made me lose my fear of death. It was the one thing I wasn't afraid of anymore. And now I was watching someone almost have a breakdown due to the mere idea of fighting, reminding me of the fact that I was nothing but a war machine.

Minhyuk grabbed my jacket with a bitter expression. “It's cowardly of me, right? Standing by and watching from the outside is easy, yes, but I don't want this war. I don't know about you but I don't want to see people die. Soonyoung, Taehyung, Minjae...I don't want any of them to risk their lives.”

“I didn't even think about it that way”, I muttered, trying to distract myself from how my heart clenched – at least I knew I still had one. “I-I didn't _want_ this either but it's our only chance now. War doesn't mean fighting at the frontline only. It's gonna be okay, no matter the outcome.”

“Did you have to fight for real before? What makes you so sure of this?”

I detached his hands from my jacket again and walked on. “I always had to fight and I know simply because I have never been at the frontline myself. There's a difference to storming towards the enemy and waiting for the right moment. But even those who belonged to the first category always came back to me. Besides-” I buried my hands in my pockets with a shrug, pushing the old memories of Yi-en away as always. “I don't want to keep living like a slave. I'd take anything to make it stop.” _Since I'm a slave even now._

I listened closely until I could make out slow and quiet steps behind me. He was following me like a frightened puppy, it reminded me of Sangwon and an idea came to my mind. The idea of someone who would confuse a drug dealer with his brother and sometimes his ex-boyfriend. Someone who could show sincere emotions from time to time. “You won't be left behind”, I assured firmly as I stopped to glance back at him and extended my hand. “Whatever we do we'll do it together anyway. You know Monsta X, they wouldn't leave you. If it's us we can make it.”

Wait, what? _If it's us we can make it_? Was I mad? How did I dare abandon my defenses? The answer: I don't know. All I wanted at that very moment was to help Minhyuk calm down. He was shook by the thought of fighting, getting hurt, dying. It was unsettling to watch.

Minhyuk stared at my extended hand with a frown for several seconds as though he didn't know what to do with it before taking a deep and rattling breath. _What's on his mind, how can I-_ “Can I hug you?”

A sense of déjà vu washed over me hearing him ask this. I had declined the previous week, perplexed and confused because of how random his request had been. But now that things were getting seriously dangerous, now that I needed my allies to be calm and composed, now that he was obviously troubled, how could I have said no?

 _You simply say no, where's the problem?_ I wanted to say it at first, inhaling and slightly parting my lips but nothing came out, so I sighed and let him step closer to wrap his arms around my waist. His face was pressed against my shoulder and I stood frozen, not knowing how to react. The few warm and soft memories I still had came back, one after the other: Yi-en comforting me, twice. Little Sangwon and I on our sofa at home, watching a movie. Yi-en coming back after a long day of work. Sangwon clinging to me after our missions.

A heavy feeling reawoke in me and I put an arm around his shoulders without giving it a second thought, patting his snow-white hair with the other one. It would have been better for me to reject him – but I couldn't. For some reason, I just couldn't.

“No need to get this sentimental”, I only mumbled to myself.

 

________________

 

Yes, I was scared to death. Literally.

I had tried not to let it get to me when Hyungwon started on the topic, pushed it to the very back of my mind to discuss it 'later' – whenever that would have been if things had gone my way. Watching my father leave one morning was one of the few memories I had kept from my teenage years. I didn't know about his looks, his name, nothing – but I knew that he had left to fight.

Then at Seventeen's place things got impossible to ignore. Everybody approved of Hyungwon's opinion, underlined by Namjoon's short speech that had seemingly come out of nowhere. It was inevitable and I knew it: We were going to war soon and it didn't matter if we had America's support like Hyungwon had said or not. The Clan would take a step it would regret soon, I was sure of it.

I couldn't bear hearing them go on and on about it, so I asked Hyungwon if we could leave, but I kept thinking about it on our way home, couldn't get my mind off it until it just broke out of me. I knew he had been oblivious to my uncertainty, had only seen his plan work out with glee for once and I hated myself for being anxious about the one thing that seemed to cheer him up.

But for some reason Hyungwon had mercy on me. I was clinging to him, his unfamiliar yet homely scent surrounding me. I felt myself calm down with every breath I took but felt even worse for him at the same time. I felt bad for how uncertain I had become just because of a damn memory because that was all it was: a memory.

Hyungwon cleared his throat, his chest vibrating when his soft voice reached my ears. “Nothing has happened to us yet, okay? Cheer up.”

Why did he even allow this much physical contact? I pushed myself away from him with a bad conscience. Me being weak for once caused us to switch roles all of a sudden. My father leaving was long in the past and I wished I wouldn't care half as much. I remembered why forgetting things could be a blessing. At the same time, Hyungwon seemed to be worried about me. Or he just wanted me to stop whining because I was getting on his nerves, who knew?

Hyungwon's fingers brushed my arm and I buried my hands in my pockets, wondering of what use that weirdly soft moment was. It didn't help me with sorting out what we were. Didn't help me much with understanding him. I had hugged Hyungwon, he had tried to comfort me and for some reason we were both okay with that. Would you believe that? Don't worry, me neither.

I kept thinking of it as my imagination playing tricks on me. I was most likely hallucinating because Hyungwon had started warming up to me for the past weeks. I had probably just stood there staring into the void, it couldn't have been real. So I spent the rest of our walk in silence, kicking pebbles down the street every now and then.

Hyungwon seemed to be lost in his own thoughts as well, his eyes emotionless and distant as neither of us knew what more to say. I couldn't tell whether he was annoyed or concerned and kept over-thinking every bit from our interaction. _No need to get this sentimental,_ he had said, at least I had understood it that way. _Yes, he's most definitely annoyed_ , I concluded, curling my hands into fists. The more this thought established itself in my mind the darker my mood got.

What was worse was that once we got home Hyungwon didn't show any intention of telling the others about what he knew. I told myself he had a reason to do so, that he didn't want them to know just yet, but why would he tell _me_ then? And why would he scatter anger amongst the gangs with such confidence?

Shownu and Wonho remained gone of course and I was beginning to worry about our leader not eating enough while the latter deserved a beating for staying away again. Jooheon put a plate of food in front of the oldest's door at some point and we both sighed in relief when we heard it open and close again, an empty plate greeting us when we went to check on it.

We had to collect money for Changjung's surgery and we had to do it fast. I hadn't had any chance of asking Wonho about it so far, it was frustrating. I knew things I couldn't tell them, thinking it was Hyungwon's decision to do so or not, while they were keeping secrets I desperately wanted to know. Irony of fate.

Hyungwon left for his room early and I glanced at Jooheon before clenching my teeth and following the taller male. So he decided to leave me on my own after seeing how whiny I could be? Had he lost faith in us? It made me angrier to think of it that way.

I barged into his room and slammed the door shut again before he could say anything, lowering my voice into a low hiss so that the others wouldn't hear. “Do you want to spare them or do you want to see me panic?”

“What, why-”

“Why don't you tell them what you told me? You scared they will be as worried as me? That they won't approve of your plan of rebellion? Is that why you'd rather not let them know?”

He blinked a few times, lowering his shaking eyes to the ground before pressing his lips into a thin line. “That's what you think?”

I huffed with a roll of my eyes, not hearing the hint of hurt. “What else is there to deduce from your behavior?”

“Well, I don't know, but you definitely got it wrong.” He was now returning my gaze with a mixture of emotions. Composure, anger, confusion.

Fear?

“I didn't tell them yet because I needed time to think about your words and nothing else. I was going to but I wanted to view it from other angles first since you were so insecure about it. And I understand now.”

“You...what?”

“I understand”, he repeated as a matter of fact. “I actually thought the same without properly realizing it, so I agree with you.”

“Huh?” I felt stupid and he sighed, chewing on his bottom lip. He agreed with me? In what way?

“You said you were scared of being left behind before.” Hyungwon mumbled, leaning his head against the nearby wardrobe with a wooden clunk. “Same for me. Looks like we simply found different ways to cope with the same problem.”

I stared at him with big eyes, not knowing what to make of this and he pushed past me with a quiet growl. “I'm different from you that's why I didn't get your worry before. You see, I avoid things while you cling to them. I'm not afraid of dying like you.” He opened the door to the corridor before glancing back.

“Because you can't be left behind if you're the first to leave.”

 

________________

 

I put on my shoes and stepped out into the empty street with a sigh, burying my hands in my pockets without turning to see if Minhyuk came after me. I stood near the house, barely fifty meters away, but the cool air was all I needed. I was an idiot for burdening Minhyuk by pushing the topic of war any further. And I was a coward for leaving right after that.

I had thought about Minhyuk's words for more than an hour; had tried to understand his line of thought to find out why our opinions on a Sino-American war were differing to that extent. And the answer had come to me sooner than expected.

_I avoid things while you cling to them._

He looked after others first.

I only paid attention to myself.

He was scared of death.

I was scared of life.

Then what if fighting wasn't the best option, just one of many? Worries were clouding my mind more and more. A voice called out for me, ripping me out of my thoughts and I turned to find not Minhyuk but Jooheon on the dimly lit path. He had his backpack with him, meaning that he was on his way home now. “Tell me what's wrong with him. I know he's worried and stuff but today is somewhat different.”

I kicked the gravel with a sigh. “Mind if I tag along on your way home?”

“Sure, you- Wait, did you really just-” He didn't finish his question and I smirked at the dumbfounded expression on his face before he pulled himself together with a cough. “Okay. It's that way.” We started walking into the direction he had shown me. “So, do you know something?”

I needed a few seconds to put my words in order because I was constantly interrupted by the reproachful look in Minhyuk's eyes from earlier. _Do you want to spare them or do you want to see me panic_?

 _I would love to spare all of you if I could. But I can't risk not telling everybody beforehand after all._ We needed to be prepared. “Jooheon, are you afraid of something?”

“Me?” The younger crossed his arms with a sigh, not knowing what I was getting at with that question. “Of course, everybody is. Why so suddenly?”

“What is it?”

“Uh-” He blinked and hooked his thumbs into the straps of his backpack. “Being incapable of protecting what I care about, maybe? You know, like still not getting a word out of Shownu? That's making me anxious, he's never been like that.”

“Bet his uncle has never been on the brink of death before.” It wasn't supposed to sound bitter but I couldn't help it and was quick to clear my throat to change the topic. “We need to collect all the money.”

“It's impossible without Wonho.”

“I talked to him about it for a minute yesterday”, I retorted, “he said he didn't have that money at the moment. It's all pretty unfortunate.”

“Unfortunate? It's shit.” Jooheon ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. “If he really said that there's no way we can collect enough money now that uncle's house is completely burnt down.”

“You'd need to rob a fucking bank to get enough. I can't believe that damn hospital is our biggest problem.”

“Yeah, right...” Jooheon's voice trailed off and I narrowed my eyes at him but he waved it off. “Never mind. Yes, we've got a severe problem without solution and two people are rendered useless due to emotional instability. Great. But you didn't answer me. What's with Minhyuk and what's with that talk about my fears?”

“It's because of something I told him today. We-” We took a left and I halted, stopping Jooheon by yanking his bag towards me to make him stumble. “There's going to be a war soon.”

He was about to complain about me making him look like an idiot when the words sunk in. He stared at me with huge eyes, which was unbelievable considering how small they usually were, as if he expected me to tell him I was joking. I raised a brow but maintained an indifferent expression otherwise until he ripped himself out of my grasp.

“I wish you weren't such a serious person.” He ran a hand through his hair, took a few steps forward and then turned to go back on the same line. Back and forth. Back and forth. “How do you- No, I don't care, you must be saying the truth”, Jooheon hissed. “Any details?”

I narrowed my eyes at him to make sure no reaction slipped past me. “America and China seem to be having an argument. America will attack and that's when we will cause a huge commotion. If we don't use this chance I don't know when we'll get the next one.”

“And you are sure they will attack? Nothing has happened so far.”

“Ninety-nine percent”, I confirmed, recalling how anxious Yi-en had looked talking about it and my opponent nodded, more to himself than to show me he understood.

“Ninety-nine...We had it coming, no wonder Minhyuk was like that”, he mumbled, massaging his temples. “Do you know about his father?”

It was my turn to nod. “He told me on our way back from Seventeen's today. We had some sort of differences about my plans, that's when he got mad.”

“Okay, differences. Fine”, he repeated and I figured talking to himself had to be his way of sorting out his thoughts when he raised his gaze to look at me again. “And your plans are?”

I clenched my teeth. “I will fight. And I will take everyone with me who is ready to join. Minhyuk was-” My voice got stuck in my throat and I motioned Jooheon to keep walking or we'd never get to his place. _I will be on my own again._ I licked my lips, recalling his scared eyes and what his words meant but I was quick to regain my composure. “He was afraid I wouldn't come back. That we'd _all_ go and never come back.”

We fell silent for a few minutes and I was wondering what was going on inside that vivacious head of his. What his thoughts were on this whole ordeal. “It's distinctive of him”, Jooheon then mumbled, hands now buried in his pockets. “Stay back, observe and make sure not to be in danger oneself. Sounds like him.” He glanced at me. “I didn't think I'd ever say that but I'm siding with you this time. If we don't fight against China with what we've got we'll never get another chance, I guess.”

I blinked, not knowing what to say. He agreed? With _me_? He didn't seem to want to talk about it any further once he stopped by an iron gate and I took a look around. I hadn't noticed how the neighborhood had gotten cleaner and a lot more cultured until then. There were less broken or abandoned buildings, less skyscrapers and more big houses in return.

“This is where you live?” I glanced at the plate to the left of the gate to find Jooheon's name amongst two other first names I guessed to be his parents'. “Just how much money do you-”

“It's my parents' money”, he interrupted me and turned towards the house. “They're not really in favor of sharing, you know?”

I chewed on my lower lip and watched him unlock the gate, not knowing what more to say as I was stunned by that mansion. Jooheon glanced back at me after stepping onto the property with an ambiguous sigh. “You should go back to Minhyuk. Wonho, Ki and Kyun won't be home and since Shownu still locks himself up Minhyuk'll be lonely. Go and try to calm him down once more. In my name if it helps. I know you're not the emotional type, but...please?” _Ki and Kyun? Cute._

I could only nod at first, wondering why he was this mature and composed when he was younger than me. _It must be the mindset of a boy who feels like an orphan as he manages the house without his parents' help anyway._ “Good night, Jooheon.”

“Don't let a truck run you over.”

 

Minhyuk was still awake, I had seen the light in his room from the outside, and I opened the door to his room with a quiet creak. He was sitting on the bed, back leaning against the wall and knees tugged under his chin when his eyes landed on me. “You came back.”

“I just needed some fresh air.” I licked my lips and swallowed. “I told Jooheon.” Minhyuk's body tensed up for a split second as he was waiting for me to elaborate further on the matter. “He said he'd fight once everything starts going downhill.”

“I thought he'd say that”, the white-haired groaned, burying his face in his knees now and it took him a few moments before he said the next few words. “You said you couldn't be left behind if you were the first to leave, that was it, right?”

I scratched the back of my neck. “I choose to think that due to experience, yes.”

“There's people who don't want you to leave first though. People you will leave behind. Thought of them before?”

I huffed, crossing my arms in front of my chest. “You think _I_ actually want to leave without feeling regret? There is no way of going through life without getting hurt. Leaving things behind is just the way that hurts less for me. A matter of perspective, I guess.”

“I don't want to be left behind”, Minhyuk pouted and I clenched my teeth for a moment.

“Stand up, Lee Minhyuk. Get to your feet right now.”

He frowned but moved to stand in front of his bed with a wary look after a few moments. I stepped closer, ignoring the goosebumps as I put my hands on his shoulders and pulled him into our second hug of that day without giving it a second thought. I heard his breath hitch and found it somewhat amusing. “Hyungwon? Why are you-”

“Let's just go together. You and I and all the other guys. If we all go together, nobody can be left behind. What do you think?”

He took a rattling breath and leaned his head against my shoulder as though he had done it a million times before. “Nobody?”

I hummed, not trusting my voice anymore, so I lowered it into a whisper. “Nobody.”

Minhyuk kept standing there for another minute and I listened to his calm breathing, trying to even out my erratic heartbeat simultaneously but it didn't work. I felt panic flood my system and I wanted to let go when his voice cut through the silence again. I couldn't suppress a smile at his words and forgot about how my heart skipped a beat for a moment. It was comforting to the point where I knew it wasn't normal anymore.

“Fine. Let's do this together.”

 

I told Minhyuk not to mention a thing to Exo the next day but he only raised a brow at me. “You'd better have a good reason for this.”

“They have a spy”, I retorted without hesitation. “Lay. His real name is Yixing. I uncovered him when we were there back then.”

Minhyuk blinked and stayed silent for several seconds before a disbelieving snort escaped his lips. “And you didn't find it necessary to tell me about that insignificant detail, yeah?”

“Would it have changed a thing? No. But it's important now, so, please?”

“How did you-”

“He's got an accent and reacted to Chinese, there was no mistaking”, I shrugged before fixing my firm gaze on him. “That's why if any of the Exo members get to know something about a revolt it won't last long. That's when they'll kill us for real. So be oblivious.” I stressed the last part and he finally seemed to get it with a nod, causing me to relax.

And as expected everything went well. Suho, having left Chanyeol at home this time, complained about our prices but never seemed to be too serious about it. He knew he had no say in this, so he just accepted things as they were and left soon after that.

“I'll go visit Namjoon”, I muttered as we were watching the gang leader's retreating figure. “I want to hear what information he's got.”

Minhyuk had his hands buried in his pockets and sighed in suppressed discontent. “You know, I still don't like this idea of initiating things-”

“-and you will not support things we start. We should wait for a sign, anything, right? I knew you'd say that. I'll go anyway.”

He glanced at me and licked his lips. “It's weird how well you can read me, since when has it been like that? It's kinda scary.”

“Don't worry, I find it scary as well”, I mumbled in reply before turning around. “See you later then.”

“That punk-” I knew Minhyuk was shaking his fist at me halfheartedly without having to look as his voice trailed off and a moment of silence passed. “Don't be gone too long.”

A smirk tugged at the corner of my mouth but I just waved it off with my hand, disappearing behind the next house's corner.

 

“You want to occupy a radio station?”

I leaned back on my improvised seat of blankets and wood to examine Namjoon's serious expression when he nodded. “It's the best way to spread the word. We need a certain range and the radio provides it. There's a station about two days away from here, what do you say?”

“Me?” I chewed on my bottom lip. “It's possible, depending on the kind of people you have. How many are there?”

“Gangs of that area, former policemen, families. Choose your favorite. We've been observing the building through them for some time now and we know how it is guarded, know every entrance. We're prepared.”

I nodded with a hum, going it over in my head. “Do you know about the inside?”

“We do have the blueprints but it would be better to have someone get in and shut off the cameras, just to be sure. The later they ring the alarm the more time we have.”

 _And it would be best if there wasn't an alarm to begin with_ , I finished his statement in my thoughts, resting my elbows on my knees. I had promised Minhyuk that we would get over with everything as a group but I already had to stretch that rule less than twenty-four hours later. “I-”

“We already have an ace in terms of infiltration in our rows, he's a deserter. You don't have to come with us but the more the merrier, right?” Namjoon managed a quiet chuckle and I lifted the corner of my mouth without letting any emotion reach my eyes. I could see them in his, amusement as well as nervousness, but more than anything else I could see confidence and certainty.

He knew what he was doing, it reminded me of the leaders of our little army groups. Confident, but never over the top. The way they presented things would always cause one to feel safe because it seemed to be idiot-proof. I suppressed a shiver and swallowed. _Don't trust the way it looks but the way it works._ “When?”

“At the end of next week, probably.” Namjoon mirrored my pose and I knew he did it on purpose to get me over to his side. It was basic psychology I had learned about long ago and I could just huff quietly.

“I won't say count me in”, I replied, still making sure to hold our eye contact, “but I'll try to be there. I'll talk to you again next Wednesday to tell you about my final decision.”

He nodded again, standing up shortly after I did and I bowed my head a little before pacing up the stairs of the subway. “Hyungwon?” I glanced back. “I want Hoseok back. I'm missing a sheep in my stable.”

Was that cute or more of a pragmatic use? _The more sheep the more force against China, I guess._ I blinked to get the malicious thoughts out of my head. Namjoon was a man of plans and thoughts but he could still miss his gang member like a brother. Who was I to judge his possible intentions? So I cleared my throat and walked towards the street again without giving him anything else than a low: “I bet you do.”

 

Of course Minhyuk fired questions at me as soon as I stepped into our house while Jooheon remained absent for the day. Kihyun and Changkyun were home and I decided that it was time to tell them about the near future, connecting my explanation with answering Minhyuk's questions. I told them about the war, the way I imagined our revolution (briefly, of course) and Namjoon's plan.

Repeating his words, I felt my confidence grow. Yes, this was a good plan. Once we owned a radio station we could reach so many people at once. “And that's where we are now.” I smiled a little and nodded to end my monologue.

Minhyuk pressed his lips together for a moment and shook his head. “You're planning on helping them.”

“I told you I would do whatever it takes-”

“You told me we would do this toge-” He stopped in the middle of his sentence, maybe not knowing how to say it when I stared at him with an unwavering gaze. “I-” He fumbled with his words for a few seconds before falling completely silent. He had to retreat because he had lost the battle this time; I could do whatever I wanted after all.

Kihyun inhaled audibly, drawing my attention towards him while Minhyuk sat on his chair in silence. “I'm not going to go back to what I was, I won't kill people anymore. I'm sorry, Hyungwon, but just remembering all those people I had to assassinate before...” He clenched and unclenched his fist. “I support you and your decisions, it really is our only chance, but I can't help you, I'm sorry.”

I swallowed and nodded a little when Changkyun turned towards his best friend, disappointed for a moment. Then an idea seemed to come to his mind and he tapped Kihyun's arm. “You won't have to fight, I'll do that. You could just stay somewhere safer than the open battlefield. There need to be doctors who can help us when we're hurt and it sounds like a job for you, what do you say?”

“ You will-” Another five seconds passed during which I actually appreciated how quickly our youngest could think situations over to turn them to his advantage. _That's probably because he's used to changing plans whenever he gets caught stealing_ , I thought, suppressing a roll of my eyes when Kihyun clicked his tongue. “It could work. I...I'll see what I can do. But I know I cannot fight other people. I've had enough of that.”

“Understandable”, I agreed with another nod, confident this time as he looked more convinced as well.

“Great.” Minhyuk pushed himself away from the table and stood up to go to his room. “That's exactly what being left behind is.”

“Minhyuk, that's not-” I rose to my feet in a hurry and tried to grab his wrist but he was out of reach before I knew it and left the three of us in the room without looking back. “-true.”

Kihyun examined my face with a frown and I tried not to let my discontent show but he saw right through it with a deep sigh. “Left behind? We'd all fight our battles, what's his problem?”

“You can't stick together, no matter how you are fighting. He doesn't seem to know that, he's missing the experience”, I mumbled, letting my eyes wander across the room before sitting down again. “There's no advantages to war in his eyes. None.”

“And you're concerned about something like that?”, Kihyun retorted with a raised brow while Changkyun rested his head on top of his crossed arms on the table.

“True, he'll notice soon enough if there's an actual war coming”, the youngest mentioned with a slight shrug. “Why do you even care?”

“But-” I clenched my fist, chewing on my lower lip as I realized how their words were true. I hadn't thought about it yet, but all I had tried to do was make the idea of war acceptable for Minhyuk. Why though? Why would him approving of something inevitable even matter? “But still-”

I didn't manage to form a sentence and Kihyun sighed once more, running his hand through Changkyun's brown hair with a frown. “I don't get your relationship anymore”, he mumbled before pulling at a strand of hair, narrowing his eyes. “We need to cut your hair, Kyun, this won't do.”

I let out an involuntary growl and stood up again, moving towards the stairs at the entrance. “Don't worry, I don't get it either.”

 


	20. Truth is never completely exposed

I decided to leave Minhyuk alone, not wanting to force more nightmare scenarios on him. Kihyun's comment had been eligible – why did I care to start with? So I stopped in front of Shownu's door for the first time, sitting down with my back leaning against it. “Hey, Shownu. Are you there? It's me, Hyungwon.”

_Of course he is there, idiot, he basically hasn't left that room for three days._ I heard some rustling coming from behind the door and swallowed. “I don't know if anyone told you yet, Minhyuk, Jooheon, I don't know, but you should be prepared for war. It's a little sudden, right?” What was I saying and why did I even bother? How would this matter to Shownu at that moment? And again: I don't know. I just did what my gut told me since thinking about my actions usually led to wrong outcomes.

“It will be America versus China and I'll be on the prior's side. I don't know about you but it-” I hesitated but inhaled to keep going. “It would be nice if we could do this together as Monsta X. Having you as our leader would definitely be of help to control the young brats, me included.” A snort escaped my lips and I turned my head as though I could see Shownu that way but it was all wood of course.

“Won't you come out? We're working hard to scrape money together, it would be better if you were to help us. You know, Wonho isn't here often either. We need our oldest, okay? Think about it.” The last words turned into a whisper but if he had listened to my monologue he heard that as well. It felt weird for me, telling people I needed them. Asking them to understand. Caring about their opinion, maybe.

I went into my room with a shake of my head where my eyes fell on the piece of paper Yi-en had written on. I let my hand hover over the torn white material for a moment. The closest arsenal. I glanced back at the door to my room and licked my lips before grabbing the paper and putting it into my pocket, then lying down on my bed. I wanted more certain information and needed something to defend myself with, so I had to do this as soon as possible. It was the only thing I could do until the radio tower raid the following week.

I swallowed, closing my eyes and trying to turn off all these thoughts of mine.  _Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll act._ I would make that raid a success, no matter what. Minhyuk's voice echoed in my mind.  _That's exactly what being left behind is_ . I nuzzled into my pillow.  _No, Minhyuk. Being left behind is when you're abandoned and nobody comes back to you. And there will be someone coming back for sure._

 

After leaving Minhyuk a note that I'd be running errands for a day I told the shop owner that I would be absent – he had given me his address a few weeks ago in case something happened – and started walking, paper in hand. Yi-en had scribbled a few hànzì, like 'park' or 'big crossroad', on the paper to give me vague directions and I tried my best to recall what he had told me.

“Take a left at the former sweets shop”, I mumbled, staring at the paper, “there's a bookstore on the opposite side.” My eyes found the matching shop signs and I followed the instructions. On and on. Again and again. I was walking for an hour, maybe a little more, when I reached my destination with a frown on my face.

I glanced at the paper, then at the building in front of me with a frown. The purple blinking sign showed the words 'Gambling Hall' and I spent several minutes in front of the darkened windows pondering on whether or not to go inside. A quiet roar somewhere far away had me cock my ears. A car in this area? I could see smoke at the far end of the street coming towards me and I figured I should move somehow.

I conjured up enough confidence to step into the building and let my eyes wander across the dimly lit room. I didn't expect much, entering an arcade at noon, and couldn't see anyone except for one guy behind the counter at the back. He tilted his head slightly to the side and narrowed his eyes at me. “I don't know your face, are you new around the area?”

His accent was there but not as prominent as others'. It was likely that he had gotten used to talking to Koreans who were dumb enough to stray into the gambling hall. Chinese shop owners were rare but not too extraordinary but I still knew there was something fishy about that man with his bulky figure. The way he stared at me, his gaze piercing right through me.

I suppressed the urge to bite my lip when I heard the car noises I had heard before cease. They had stopped in front of the door. This was no time to reconsider anything and I straightened my back, mirroring the other man's wary expression. “I usually don't come here, that's right.”

The door opened with a chime and my ears picked up on the sound of Chinese, my mind switching into the foreign language's mode immediately. It was almost too easy when I continued talking to the man behind the counter in his own language. “I need something to defend myself with. I heard the situation is going to be tough.”

The man blinked, obviously taken aback and I stepped up to the counter, leaning against it without breaking our eye contact. Judging by the way he looked he was around my age. It took up all of my concentration and self-composure to fight the urge to run away as fast as I could. I had stepped into the lion's den and the only way to survive was becoming a lion as well. “I can't help you with self-defense”, the man replied in Korean again.

My eyes fell on a notepad and pen and I hastily scribbled four hànzì followed by numbers down.

間諜 番號  041394

My spy number. I knew they could check it as it wasn't the first time I checked into a more or less hidden stock of weapons. I had needed guns for several undercover jobs before but there hadn't been one arsenal that was disguised as a gambling hall.

The man behind the counter raised a brow and pushed some things from left to right behind the counter, typing the numbers into some sort of electronic device. He narrowed his eyes again before finally mumbling on in Chinese. “Rank A? No wonder I haven't seen you around before. You're doing good? Being treated well by whoever you're staying with?”

I'd almost have sighed in relief but held back and licked my lips instead. _So I'm still rank A, nice._ The amount of weapons you're entrusted with when going undercover varies depending on your rank but there were almost no spies on the highest rank – the S rank – so one could consider me to be in the highest category.

The man's expression performed a volte-face when he suddenly smiled at me as though he knew me for ages and I nodded. “I'm alright but-” I resisted the urge to keep my distance and leaned a little closer. “I heard there's a lot of tension between our country and another?” _Our country._ I was a little slow at forming Chinese sentences but I was still doing fine, my opponent understood on the spot. I would have laughed at how quick he was to change his behavior if this weren't a serious situation.

“True, all we're doing at the moment is waiting for the starting shot because it's gonna come sooner or later. I'm Kayee by the way.”

One of the guys who had previously come in after parking their car banged his fist on the table. “Hey, counter-guy, what are you doing whispering back there? I want a beer.” _The first thing you ask for at a gambling hall is a beer?_

My opponent's smile turned into a scowl for a moment before it was replaced by a smirk again. “I'll be there in a second!” We exchanged a knowing look – he didn't like whoever that guy was – and I thought that Kayee-guy to be quite likeable. _If I were still a full-time soldier we would get along pretty well_... I deleted that thought in a hurry. _No, if I were still a full-time soldier I wouldn't talk to anyone but Yi-en._ And again I was surprised at how much I had changed since I ran away. Since I met Minhyuk and the others.

“I need some stuff to stay safe no matter what happens”, I said to bring us back to our main topic and he nodded, motioning me to follow him to the back where he opened the door to a basement.

“Your record is perfectly clean, I'll let you choose your weapons on your own. The maximum-”

“The maximum is ten, I know, thanks”, I finished the sentence in his stead with a slight smirk, nodding at the front door. “You shouldn't let them wait too long.”

Kayee rolled with his eyes. “They're here all day if they're not at the whorehouse. They can wait.”

I clenched my teeth at the mention of those hellish houses. “There's one around here?” My opponent examined my expression and I was quick to put on a mocking one. “Gambling halls, weapons and...wh-whorehouses in the same place are a little bit too much for their ego, huh?”

The man relaxed, raising his hands in defeat. “They are hopeless. That house is just around the corner, twenty minutes of walking tops.”

“Kayee!”

He glanced at the front door and let out a growl as he reached back to hand me a paper form. “I'll be going then. Call me if there's a problem. I believe you know the procedure?” I nodded and he gave me a light jab to the side before going back to the front.

I allowed myself to sigh and made my way down the stairs to the basement. It was much wider than expected, the underground consisting of several tunnels for various types of weapons. Guns of all kinds, slingshots, explosives, toxins, baseball bats; everything an undercover agent could possibly ask for. I chose several guns one could easily hide in pockets or wide sleeves, seven of them plus munition. As for the three spots left on the form I had been given I chose one time bomb and two jars of toxins. If one inhaled their gases they would fall unconscious – of course it wasn't very effective outside but perfect for fights in buildings.

Once I was back on the ground-floor I placed my bag on a nearby table. Kayee came back to lock the door to the basement and check on the things I took, approving of my neat handwriting with a smirk when his eyes fell on my name written in hànzì. “You're Korean, right?”

I blinked, cocking my head to the side. Concealing who I was was useless. The army knew everything about me anyway, so why bother? “You didn't notice right away?”

He shrugged. “I couldn't have cared less. Your Korean is good, your Chinese is good. But that name is definitely Korean. You're the first rank A to drop by, I was just curious what your rank's people are like.”

I didn't know if I should be amused or careful around that guy and decided to be both: amused on the outside, calculating on the inside. “You never know because we always have to change ourselves for the job.”

Kayee nodded in sympathy. “Still I expected you to be more...I don't know, grim?”

_I used to be exactly that but then I renegaded and got better. Not that you need to worry about that._ I shrugged, carefully grabbing my bag to keep the jars of toxins safe. “Surprise, I guess.”

“Kayee!”

I gave the man a sympathetic look while he groaned, walking into the main room with me following behind. “What is it now?”

“Another beer! Quickly!”, one of the two men ordered, waving his empty glass in front of the probably younger's face.

“You've had three. In ten minutes.”

“Are you going to lecture me or are you going to move that lazy ass of yours?! I need to drink because that Korean scum has been blocking my room at the house for weeks now!”

“You could train instead of wasting your life”, Kayee mentioned just to be confronted with a deep growl so he just sighed. “This is not what I became a soldier for.”

I nodded, disgusted by how he was treated, and went to leave but a comment had me stop again. “I heard he's blond. Who the fuck is blond in this area? There's that Tuan guy, you know, that son of some important general that's prancing around, but Koreans?” Tuan was Yi-en's surname and I knew his father was successful in the army but that wasn't what was bothering me _. If that person is Korean-_

“You should get over it, it's just one of many women in that house. Just deal with it, there's not much you can do if he's of a higher priority than you.”

“But why would that scum be more important than me?!” The soldier shot up from his seat and I turned to glance back at him with a frown. “I swear once I get a hold of that fucking blond hair he's so done for.”

I licked my lips and swallowed before slowly walking back to the two drunkards. I had a bad feeling about this. “Where is that house?”, I asked carefully, “What direction?”

One was too angry to even notice me while the other scanned me with a raised brow. “You go out to the left and left again. Walk for fifteen minutes and you're there.” I gave a slow nod in reply when the second man decided to speak up again.

“That Korean scum, I swear- He might be well-built but I'll show him what power is once I-”

“Y'all should just keep calm”, Kayee sighed, slamming a new glass of beer down on the table. “You're like animals. Disgusting.” He glanced at me with an unhappy expression and I signaled him to cheer up before quickly bowing and leaving past the door, hearing one of the other men shout something about 'killing that scum' and stuff.

I took a left just like I had been told and quickly leaned against the wall to take a few controlled breaths. “You did it”, I whispered to myself, the gun-filled bag dangling from my right shoulder. “You did it, Hyungwon.” The facts that my heart was beating like crazy and my mind was screaming at me for how dangerous the situation had been proved that my nerves weren't of steel anymore.

It had been half a year since my last real mission and having opened up to other people in the meantime made it more difficult to be the heartless person I had always pretended to be. It wasn't bad, hell, I knew I was getting better for some reason, but it made me weaker and more nervous in tensed up situations.

I pushed away from the wall and lightly slapped myself to keep my shit together. “You're okay now, let's just go back home.” I turned to walk back to the path I had used to get to the arsenal but stopped again.  _That fucking blond hair. - Who the fuck is blond in this area? There's that Tuan guy but Koreans?_ I felt my insides twist and clenched and unclenched my fists for a few seconds. He was right, there was almost nobody with fair hair, simply because there was almost no hair dye.  _Blocking my room for weeks!_

“Oh, what the hell”, I groaned and kicked the gravel, turning around to make my way to that damned house. “It's only half past twelve. I'll wait for a few hours and then go home without anyone noticing I was gone. It can't be what I think. Blond is a popular color. There's not much bleach but hey, who knows?”, I reasoned with myself as I walked on and on until I reached a rather large and dark house without one broken window, meaning that the Chinese government probably cared about this house. There was no mistaking it, it was the house I was looking for. It really hadn't been that far.

The old stone wall surrounding the at least fifty year old building was littered with cracks and I walked straight ahead, almost passing the metal gate but again I hesitated. I had never been to any of these houses, I was loathing them. The idea was to force women, mostly Korean of course, to work there to make them feel like they were at the mercy of men – which they were. Women were weak and should obey the stronger man, my instructor had said this a lot back when I had just been conscripted.  _He forgot to mention that sometimes man is also inferior to man._ Everything was wrong about that ideal. It was twisted.

I grabbed one of the gate's bars and stood there for about five minutes, staring into nothingness until I took a look around and found an abandoned building just across the street. I entered it through one of the windows and went to the first floor to settle down on the balcony, able to observe everything happening on the street. Not a single person could enter or leave the brothel without me knowing.

Half an hour passed.

Then three quarters.

I felt idiotic after one hour. Why was I even bothering? What was I trying to prove?

I sighed and rose to my feet. “Whatever, I don't even care all that mu-” My whisper broke off when a shade of blond hair caught my eye and a familiar figure stepped through the metal gate that was screeching at the movement.

“Please, no.” That's why I had been waiting.

My bad feeling proved to be right – he wasn't as likeable as I thought him to be. Suddenly, I got angry at the sight of his face, slightly hidden beneath his pale fringe and I was quick to tiptoe down the stairs and out of the house again, watching his retreating figure once I reached the street.

I could only watch at first but then-

“So this is where you've been all this time?”

I didn't mean to say anything but the accusation just needed to be voiced so bad I couldn't do a thing about it. He spun around with a start, huge eyes staring at me as I just stood there with clenched fists.

Of course it had to be Wonho.

We stared at each other for a solid minute and he still didn't move the slightest. It was the first time I saw him this shocked and I clenched my teeth, walking towards him. “This is why you don't have any money to spare for Changjung's surgery? I can't believe you stooped so low.”

He finally snapped out of his frozen state and shot a glance at the house behind me before burying his hands in his pockets, seemingly calm and composed. I noticed the dark bags under his eyes and his slightly messy hair while he shrugged. “Then don't believe it.”

I let out a snort, panic getting the better of me when an image of my former general appeared in front of my eyes. “You expect me to just take this without a word? Wonho, do you even know how fucking horrible these houses are? What they do to them in there?”

He licked his lips and averted his gaze. “You don't have to tell me.”

“Oh, I don't? How wonderful”, I spat and pushed past him, deliberately slamming my shoulder into his. “So you're a frequent caller there now, huh? Must be fun. Got nothing more to say?”

“Hyungwon, you don't understand-”

“What more _is_ there to understand?”, I shot back, glaring at him and his breath hitched. I huffed again. “And I was beginning to believe you were actually a decent guy. Joke's on me.”

“Now hold up, get your shit together”, the blond interfered, grabbing me by the arm. “Pardon my language but I'm not going there to fuck some forced prostitute.”

“So you're going there to talk about stocks and banking to do your job, is that what you're trying to tell me? And you believe I'd buy that?” I couldn't hold myself back, the spiteful words just flowed out of my mouth without stopping. As he had probably been blocking that room for the two weeks he hadn't really come home there was something really fishy about him. “Let me guess: You don't work as the banker everybody believes you to be.”

“You don't know anything about me, Hyungwon.” Wonho's voice was deep, scary and dark but when I looked into his eyes I could see pain and panic. Something was wrong and I would have asked but he just kept talking, trying to explain himself. “I'm helping someone out, okay? You're in no position to lecture me about those houses, I know more about the shit that's going on in there than you and you can't convince me of the opposite.”

I could have let it go. I didn't need to get along with Wonho in the first place. Why was I even making an effort? If that's what him belonging to the drug category of 'Lust' meant I might as well give up on him. But that couldn't be everything to him. _Minhyuk trusts this guy,_ I thought, _there_ must _be more to him._ I felt disappointed in Wonho but his shaking eyes and tensed jaw told me that there was something he had to say.

I ripped my arm out of his grasp and crossed both of them in front of my chest. “I'm listening. Helping out? You'd better make this convincing.” _I might as well hear him out now._

“It's a longish story.”  
“Can you tell it before we get home? Then go ahead, I'm just so keen on hearing your story.”

“Not that long, just-” He pressed his lips together and closed his eyes for a moment before nodding. “Okay, let's try this, here we go: I ran away from home four years ago but recently found out about something of interest to me. I know you're gonna hate me more-” Wonho looked at the house again with a sigh, “-but that house actually belongs to my old man. You could say it's Satan's den.”

“Your old- Wait, what does this-”

He motioned me to get going so that we'd move away from that place and walked ahead. “Seokjoon. Formerly Shin Seokjoon, husband of Han Ji-yeon, father of...father of Shin Eunji and me, Wonho. Manager of more than eighty brothels in Korea, making a fortune with sending young women to hell.” Wonho pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. “My father.”

“I-” I didn't know how to react, settling with simply frowning at him for a while.

He chuckled just to sigh a moment later. “Anyway, you're right. I'm not working at a bank. Though I did until not too long ago.”

“You- Okay, okay, wait. Your father owns that house. You ran away from home for some reason. You're jobless? But how does this explain that you're frequenting that place?”, I finally got to my point, angry at him for not just telling me what I had asked for. “You said you ran away from your family so why are you here now? Dammit, Wonho, stop making riddles out of every damn thing.”

“You can't keep running forever.” He buried his hands in his pockets and the more he said the quicker he talked as though he were afraid of me interrupting him. “I-I'm looking for someone who was taken from me ages ago. I thought maybe she could be here once I was told about this house, as delusional as it may sound. The chance was one in a million and before you ask, no, she's not here. But I hoped to finally find her and I just _had_ to check. I grew frustrated. I know I don't look like it but not a single day passes without me thinking about her. I want to see her again, I'd do anything.”

There was pure and unconcealed devotion in his eyes and I found it hard to believe that Wonho, _our_ Wonho, could center his whole existence around one girl. “But if she's not here, why would you keep coming?”

I watched as his expression went from calm to furious in a matter of seconds. “There's another girl in there that needs protection. And when I say _girl_ I mean it. She's just a child. Eleven years old, maybe twelve. It was coincidence that I found out about her.” He was trying hard to calm down and took deep controlled breaths as we kept walking down the street. “How sick do you have to be to force a child to be a prostitute? A damn _child_! And my father _knows._ ”

His rage grew stronger and stronger and ended up striking me as well. A child. I slung my arms around myself, digging my nails into my sides and began to understand. I remembered what the military guy had said at the arsenal. _That Korean scum has been blocking my room at the house for weeks now!_ I tried to put the pieces together myself and glanced at Wonho. “You're just blocking her room?”

“I do it to keep her safe. I can't get her out of that place so I need to protect her otherwise. _Nobody_ deserves to have to work there but a child? Of course me frequenting that place attracted attention and I-” His voice trailed off leaving me staring at him until he found his voice again. “I was confronted with my cruel ass old man again. The...th-the rest is my problem. You don't really need to know more about my dysfunctional family.”

Silence.

I tried hard to filter the most important information from his tale and furrowed my brows. “So, basically you gave up your job to block a room at a brothel because there's a minor in there. Correct?”

Wonho scratched the back of his neck. “Now that I hear it like that I could have explained it in one sentence as well... Yes, that's the gist of it.”

“So nobody can get to her even when you're not around? She's a hundred percent safe?” He nodded, causing me to shake my head in disbelief. “Sounds weird. Why would they let you have your will, they don't usually pity their tools.”

“I know, weird, right?”, he retorted with an empty chuckle. “It's because I'm Seokjoon's son, I guess. I'm the one who will inherit that business after all and I could just fire them once my time comes. I'll fire them anyway but they don't need to know yet.”

“That's-” _Yeah, what is it?_

I had been too quick to judge Wonho, yes, but who wouldn't assume the worst knowing that this guy was sleeping around without restrictions? I glanced at my bag, feeling the guilt of a bad conscience creeping into my mind. It could have been the other way round; what if he had found me borrowing weapons from a Chinese weapon arsenal? He would have interpreted it the wrong way as well.

I clenched my teeth, closing my eyes for a moment. “Sorry for jumping to conclusions.”

“You should trust me, Hyungwon. You can, I swear. The worst I do is sleep with willing ladies and I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. I can't do any harm – the rest is just pretense.”

“I'd reconsider that romantic part. It doesn't go with the first half”, I muttered, pulling my bag closer to my body. _The worst I do is assassinate people. One point for you, blondie._

My companion shrugged and put on a smirk that showed me how relieved he was to have resolved that misunderstanding between us. We walked in silence for a minute before he spoke up again. “Now that I shared my tragic story with you-”

“I didn't ask for all the details.”

“-why don't you tell me about your intense reaction back there? I was stunned. You never get emotional.”

“That's not-”

“ _Guys like him are the worst. He loves going to a nearby jìlóu. You know what that is? They say you can have lots and lots of fun there.”_

I had my eyes locked on the ground in an instant, a well-known scenario playing out in my head like so many times before.

 

_I didn't know what to do and just stood there, swallowing hard as the man walked up and down in front of me. “I'm sorry. I won't make this mistake twi-”, I tried again but he cut me off with a wave of his hand._

“ _You know, it's been a long time since scum looking like you stood in my office to be punished.” I shook my head between two shaking breaths, eyes wide as the huge man walked up to me._

“ _I d-didn't mean to, s-sir! I won't do it a-again”, I stuttered, trying not to be intimidated by his stance when he pushed me back against the next wall._

“ _You know how it goes. You get punished if you don't come after our wishes. Our orders. But I'm not a fan of our military punishments, I might not send you to that basement today.”_

 _I let out a sound of surprise._ _“Sir, thank you, I-”_

_I didn't get to finish that sentence as he grabbed me by the hair and pulled it back, having me hiss and bite back tears. “So I'll just punish you my own way and this stupid little mistake will be forgotten. Nothing on your record and no other consequences, what do you say? Me or the basement?” He leaned closer, his breath ghosting over my skin and I couldn't control my shivers any longer, trembling in his grasp. “Choose wisely.”_

Not the basement. Anything but the basement. _“I-I-” I took a rattling breath, turning my head away from him with a pant._ Anything but the basement. _“I ch-choose you.”_

_If only I hadn't._

 

“Hyungwon?” I snapped out of my trance with a start and stared straight into Wonho's worried eyes. “Are you...Are you okay?”

My voice was just a whisper and I ran a hand over my face. “I'm fine.” I wasn't fine. _What is a...jìlóu?_

“Just lost in thought.” Lost in nightmares. _I think you guys call it brothel. Rather tragic than fun, huh?_

“I can't explain anything. It's...I-I don't know why I'm that way.”

His eyes were reproachful for a moment. _Liar_ was what they were screaming but he decided to just give me a resigned smile. “I thought you'd say that, so how about a change of topic: What are you going to do about that war people are talking about?”

My head snapped towards him again but he remained oblivious so I tried to do the same. “They're talking about that?”

Wonho nodded. “I heard about it a few days ago, leaving the brothel. Some soldiers were arguing loudly, it was hard to miss. Didn't you know? America versus China is a thing.”

I blinked rapidly, wondering how he could stay as calm and I cleared my throat. “I knew, uhm, but only by chance. What's your plan?”

He shrugged, glancing at me with a smirk. “I'm going to choose the side my friends are on. America. China. I don't really care, but I'd still appreciate it if we were to fight for Korea. What do you say?”

“That's cheesy”, I replied coldly when I was actually relieved he didn't seem to be for a certain party. _Ambiguous as always would probably be more fitting._ “But let's fight for Korea, yeah. I can count on you?”

“If you want to after all.” Wonho winked at me and I subconsciously took a step away from him, still not comfortable with his vague and flirty nature.

“O-okay. Sounds good.” I gave him a slow nod of my head, not knowing what more to say and we walked on without exchanging another word, letting me think things over again. So, this whole mess aside, Wonho was looking for someone. Someone he obviously _loved_ to the extent that he'd give anything to see her again. That kind of devotion wasn't entirely new to me, I could tell a thing or two about that myself, but I still couldn't get over the fact that it was _Wonho_ feeling that way.

I took a look around, finally able to recognize the neighborhood again and we soon entered our street. The blond walking to my left tapped on my shoulder and I raised a brow at him. “Just in case they ask, you don't know a thing about where I'm going, okay? Minhyuk mustn't hear.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “You're not doing anything bad, what's the problem?”

“Just don't tell him. On the other hand how did you even know where to find me, what were _you_ doing in that area?”

 _Deflection._ I huffed and raised a brow, putting my words in quotation marks with my fingers. “If I 'don't know' where you're going, why would you know what I was doing?”

“You're a tough one”, Wonho sighed, taking out his keys. “But fine. Have it your way.”

I forced myself to relax, licking my lips. “Say, Wonho. Who is that girl you're looking for?”

His hand stilled above the doorknob for a moment before he turned the key, glancing at me with sadness in his eyes. “Eunji”, he whispered before he walked into the house with a smile back on his face.

_Father of Shin Eunji and me._ “Eunji? You mean your- Hey, wait-” I didn't get to call out to him as he had run straight into Minhyuk who had his hand curled around the older's shirt in the blink of an eye to stop him from fleeing to his room.

“Oh, look who's gracing us with his presence.”

 

________________

 

“I can't believe they're all such bullheads”, I groaned, drying my hair with a towel after a brisk shower. It was dark outside, most of the others had already gone to bed, and I looked at myself in the mirror.

Neither Wonho nor Hyungwon had told me where they had been. They had come home together, saying they ran into each other by chance, and no matter how much I pestered them, I couldn't get a single useful information out of them.

I went back to my room and stared at the post-it on my desk. Hyungwon had placed it in front of my door before leaving, writing that he wouldn't be at the shop but running errands, and I would have loved to believe him but simply couldn't. There hadn't been a single day he had to run errands, why would there suddenly be one now?

I traced the edged letters with my finger and sighed. I was still mad at him as he was very likely to participate in that radio tower raid Namjoon had told him about but who was I to order him around? I couldn't hold him back, I could only support him in whatever he was doing. Still I was insecure. I felt like losing Hyungwon was the worst case scenario. I was far too concerned about him, it wasn't healthy for me.

“Get your shit together, Minhyuk”, I mumbled with a shake of my head and went to bed to join the others in dreamland.

 

The following days passed quickly, even Monday wasn't eventful as nobody was in the mood for cheerful talk. Shownu still didn't really come out of his room though we heard him go to the bathroom from time to time and the days just weren't the same without flirty Wonho by our side.

I had experimented with the few leftover flowers over the weekend, extracting undiluted blue liquid from them and filling them into tiny vials, not bigger than a thumb. It was a highly concentrated version of the drug we were selling others and I filled seven vials, one for each Monsta X member to give them on Monday.

I told them they mustn't, by absolutely no means, drink the whole thing. Two or three drops were more than enough. I watched them all take their dose, even ambushed Shownu to make sure he didn't down it all in one go. We stored the vials in a small bathroom cupboard later, labeling them with our names. It worked well as the oils and other chemicals seemed to remain even after having been extracted for some time. I figured this could be a way to provide drugs to people who had to go away for longer than their addiction allowed them; on trips or the like. Y'all know who I had in mind, don't you?

On a side note, Hyungwon had his drugs without allowing, let alone _asking_ me to stay with him.

I didn't talk to him as frequently as before, not knowing what to talk about in the first place, so I accepted his decisions and sucked it up for the moment. He would have a reason, maybe he needed to sort things out. Maybe he was dealing with memories of the army. No matter what it was, he was definitely occupied by it; barely answering when he was asked a question.

One time, when Wonho was actually still there in the morning, I caught them talking amongst each other with hushed voices, their conversation breaking off as soon as I entered the room and I could only furrow my brows. Things got weird. Neither of us seemed to know what to say while everybody knew what was going to come. Revolts. War. Maybe a change. And all we did was collecting money like mad to pay for Changjung's surgery. It wouldn't be enough but I'd go to negotiate with the doctors once I had received the money from all the other gangs that Thursday.

Every time I woke up I knew I was getting one step closer to Hyungwon going away.

I was hardly surprised when he got home early on Wednesday, saying he had quit his job at the convenience store. There would be no need for that anymore. He'd either become a warrior or he'd die before that, there was no third option.

So we both set out from our house in the evening, going straight to Seventeen's station. At first it was quiet, tense and relaxing atmosphere taking turns. We both knew I wasn't happy about his plans but we also knew the other would understand somehow. I would let him go since I couldn't hold him. He'd go to help since it was the only way.

But then he buried his hands in his pockets and turned to look at me. “You're not as persistent as I thought you to be.”

“I know it's useless anyway, why should I?” I raised a brow but sighed when he didn't say anything. “You're one of us now. You promised we'd go through with this together. So what now?”

“You-” Hyungwon clenched his teeth, eyes lowered to the ground. “Why don't you come along then? Why would I have to stay?”

“That's because I-” _don't want to see my friends get hurt._ “-have business to take care of here”, I retorted. “I'm the root of the Clan now, in case you haven't noticed. It's hard to keep our supplies of flowers steady and I won't put the Clan members' lives on the line by leaving them on their own. I don't know what will happen if they don't get their doses.”

It was his turn to sigh as he kicked the gravel with a pout. “See? This just doesn't work. We'll fight together, for the same goal, just in different places. It's better that way.”

“You'll get hurt.”

“But I won't die. They can't kill me.”

“You're so stubborn and big-headed.”

“So are you.”

“No, I'm just- You-....Ugh, whatever! Do what you want.”

I didn't say any more as we reached the stairs to the subway and Hyungwon was immediately monopolized by Namjoon who led him off to the side. I observed the present gang members with a deep frown while I sealed the week's deal.

I saw determination. Determination and anger as soon as they heard I couldn't afford to give them any more than I already did. Namjoon had done his best to rile them up, I thought, curling my fingers around the money in my hand. If there had been no drugs to be burnt, if none of these people had been drug addicts, I wouldn't have lost them to that damn fighting spirit. Again I had nothing better to do than to blame myself. I retreated to the next wall and closed my eyes but picked up on Hyungwon's voice in an instant.

“Tomorrow morning?”

“Mhm, we're going in on Saturday and it takes long enough to get there, so we need to leave soon. Can you make it?”

There was a long silence during which I sent a silent prayer to heaven. In vain, of course.

“I'll be there.”

I kept my eyes closed and exhaled slowly. As soon as I opened them again I was confronted with Hyungwon's preoccupied face and he said what I didn't want to hear. “Namjoon said we'd already go-”

“Tomorrow. I heard about that. We should go home then, shouldn't we? You need your sleep.”

Inhale. Exhale. I pressed my lips together and pushed past him in a hurry, leaving him no option but to follow me in a hurry. “You're pissed.”

“Oh, I'm so glad you noticed.”

Hyungwon glanced back at the stairs that got further away with every step without saying anything. It stayed that way until we got home. It was only seven o'clock, the sun still visible at the horizon unlike the cold winter days we had left behind not too long ago. But it still didn't get much warmer, I was still creating small clouds every time I exhaled.

We were about to close the front door again when Changkyun came barging down the stairs. “Shit, we've got a problem!”, he shouted at the top of his lungs and Kihyun joined us, limping out of the kitchen with narrowed eyes.

“Did you check everywhere? He is not hiding?”

“He's not!”, the youngest denied, feverishly shaking his head. “I swear I looked everywhere!”

I blinked rapidly and frowned. “Guys, calm down. What the hell is going on?”

I glanced up the stairs but couldn't tell what was upsetting Changkyun to that extent and unintentionally shared a glance with Hyungwon, looking away just a moment later. Kihyun leaned against the door frame, chewing on the nail of his thumb in nervousness. “It's Shownu.”

“What's with him?” The alarms went off in my head and Hyungwon tensed up to my right when Kihyun looked at us.

“He's not in his room. He's gone.”

 

________________

 

All hell broke loose at the news of Shownu's disappearance.

Minhyuk's face lost all color until it looked just like his hair and his giant eyes were shaking as he kept staring at Kihyun. “What do you mean _gone_?!”

“I mean just that. We got home half an hour ago when Kyun noticed that Shownu's door was opened a crack. He went to check on him but, well, you know. What could he be planning?”

This was indeed unsettling. Minhyuk licked his lips. “Okay, did anyone see Jooheon today?” Everybody shook their heads. “Then I'll go to his house. This is an emergency, I don't care how long I have to bang on the door to get in, I'll make it happen.”

I stood by, chewing on my bottom lip. “I can go too. I know where he-”

“No”, the white-haired interrupted me, subconsciously putting a hand on my arm while glaring at something I couldn't see. “No, you need to sleep. We'll manage. We only have few locations he might be at anyway. You go to bed.”

“You expect me to go to bed when-”

“I expect you to _listen_ to me for once! If you're sleepy tomorrow you'll get into trouble and I'd rather have you back in one piece. I'll take care of Shownu so you'd better shut up.”

I blinked and he only then seemed to notice how harsh he had been, falling silent and grabbing a handful of my sleeve. Changkyun frowned. “To...morrow?”

“I'll leave for the radio tower thing tomorrow”, I explained quietly and Kihyun nodded.

“Then you should go to bed, yes. We'll manage. We'll see you off tomorrow, sleep well.”

“It's only seven-”

“Go and lie down, I don't care”, the other retorted, menacingly waving his crutch at me and I groaned, removing Minhyuk's fingers from my arm.

“What's with this house?”, I mumbled, throwing a last glance at the others before giving up and obeying them. I let my gaze wander to Shownu's room, the door to which was wide open now, but couldn't find anything to hint at where he had run off to. I had a bad feeling about this in my gut and my gut never lied to me.

I entered my room with a sigh, listening to Minhyuk and Kihyun making plans for a while before sitting down on my bed, shoes tossed aside. I couldn't have helped much anyway, would probably have run around and hoped for a sign of Shownu, but I was still somewhat worried. I couldn't conclude what he was going to do after locking himself in his room for nine days now. I wanted to help but...

_I expect you to_ listen  _to me for once!_ A sigh escaped my lips. How much of a choice did I have? And Minhyuk was right – I needed as much sleep as possible. I needed to prepare myself for what was to come next.

I knelt down in front of the bed and reached under it to pull out my box of borrowed weapons. Guns. Bombs. Poisons. This was all I could do to help any of us. All I could do was become turtle again, revive the old times. I swallowed and put the borrowed toxins and one of the seven guns into my bag before hiding the box again.

“This will work”, I whispered to myself with a nod. “This has to work. You'll be back in no time. You won't be turtle for long.”

Why did I have to become turtle when I was fighting on the other side, you ask? Truth was I had a plan of my own. No matter what they had for a plan, I would guarantee them some more time if I gathered all of my acting skills. That's all turtle was after all: a lethally good actor.

 

________________

 

“Where is Jooheon? Do you know where he went? Is he home?” I had actually stood at Jooheon's estate for half an hour, slamming my fist against the metal gate first before moving on to the door. When one of the servants finally opened the door I fired my questions at him without missing a beat.

“The young master is busy. Who are you?”

He furrowed his brows as his eyes remained on my white hair, a hint of disgust on his face and I suppressed a hiss. “I'm a friend of his. What's he busy with, _if I may ask_? Can you really not call him out?”

“He's not at home. He told me he would go to do university work with a few friends. Are you one of them? Did he not reach your house?”

I narrowed my eyes but only shook my head with a blinding smile. “No, we don't have class together this semester but I believe I know where to find him now, thank you.” The servant nodded and closed the door without another word, my smile falling in an instant to be replaced by a scowl. “Asshole”, I muttered as I turned around with my hands in my pockets.

No, I didn't know where Jooheon had gone but it wasn't good to make his family panic. Jooheon had never told them who those friends of his were, his parents and servants thought he was always out studying and staying over at a fellow student's house.

He wouldn't be allowed to see us if they knew. The drug stuff aside we were just poor devils anyway.

So I simply had to check every place he could be at while trying not to panic myself. Kihyun had told me to go to Jooheon's university to ask for him there but there was almost no way he'd be there. Jooheon had never been keen on going to university but he didn't want his parents to get angry at him so he did as they ordered him to.

Not at home, not at our old hangout place, not at Changjung's burnt down house. The sight of the latter gave me goosebumps and I swallowed the lump in my throat as I turned away in a hurry, looking somewhere else.

Two hours went by. Two hours of me running here and there. But still not a trace of neither Jooheon nor Shownu. The more places I searched the more I got the feeling that they were gone together. But where would they be? I was dragging my feet in the dark, sometimes illuminated by the dim streetlights as I ran a hand through my now sweaty hair.

Kihyun had sent Changkyun out as well but the youngest couldn't find anything either, leaving us just as clueless as before when I sat down on our sofa to drink a glass of water. “It's no use searching in the dark”, Kihyun mumbled and my grasp around the glass tightened.

“I know, but what if something happened to them? Ever since this whole mess started we've begun falling apart. Wonho left first. Now it's our leader and his right-hand man? It's not fair, why did they go?”

“Wonho didn't leave”, Changkyun interfered with a scowl though his voice wavered for a second and Kihyun narrowed his eyes at me.

“You're so pessimistic these days, you're totally stressed out. Don't say we're falling apart. We're Monsta X, there's nothing that will break us.” He put a hand on my shoulder. “We'll continue our search tomorrow. Who knows, maybe Jooheon got Shownu out of his room and they're out just talking now? Shownu needed something like that, I'm sure they are fine.”

I put a hand over Kihyun's and pressed my lips together for a moment. “I'd like to believe that, yes.”

“Then do.”

“I'm trying, alright?” Changkyun pulled me to my feet and smiled, trying to calm me down and I returned it to pretend I was good.

“You should go to bed. It will be fine once the sun is up again.”

It would have been a suggestion to most people but I could see the demanding glint in his eyes. Changkyun had just ordered me to go to bed. When did I have to listen to our youngest the last time? I nodded. “Okay. I...I'll try.”

The other two nodded and watched me go to my room with worried expressions. I was lost in my own thoughts for a while as I changed my clothes with a sigh escaping my lips every now and then.

Suddenly, a thump from the neighbor room had me spin around and walk back into the corridor. It was Hyungwon's room, was there something wrong? I raised my hand to knock but decided to just open the door. He was lying on the floor in the dark, his blanket tossed aside and groaned when I stopped right next to him. “Fell out of your bed?”, I whispered, unable to conceal my amusement at his struggle to get up.

“Nightmare”, he muttered in reply and turned to collect his blanket but grabbed his right wrist with a hiss. “Must have hurt my hand when I hit the ground.”

I let out a sigh and pushed him onto his bed, picking up the blanket in his stead. I couldn't stay mad at him leaving us when he proved to be so helpless and fragile behind his mask. “You should have been more careful. What did you dream about? Is it still the same dream as before?” He shook his head a little.

“This one's more real. It's not a mixture of memories. It's just two moments taking turns.”

I took the injured hand in mine, bending it back and forth as I sat down next to him. “Does it hurt a lot?”

He clenched his teeth but shook his head and quickly withdrew his hand. “It's only going to be a bruise. No need to be worried.”

“And your memories?”

He stopped for a second, taking a deep breath. “Still no sign of Shownu?”

I sighed, chewing on my lip when he changed the topic as usual. I shook my head in reply to his question. “Jooheon is off our radar as well, I hope he's with Shownu. We'll keep searching tomorrow.”

“I see. You'll find them both. I'm sure.”

We kept sitting in the dark for several moments. I couldn't tell what was going on inside that head of his as there was too few light to read his expression but I knew that something was bothering him. Whatever had appeared in his nightmare was at fault for his behavior.

I wasn't ready when he rested his head on my shoulder without a word. “Hyungwon? Hey, are you okay? What's wrong?”

“Thanks for worrying.” _What-_ “And thanks for enduring me.”

He sounded so hurt and I was overcharged with how this situation had played out, letting out a nervous chuckle. “You're always playing tough but get so soft whenever it's dark. It's somewhat alarming.” He curled his slender fingers around the cloth of my shirt and took another deep breath. I was wondering where this came from all of a sudden but didn't ask and just forced him to lie down. “You need to sleep. If there's another nightmare just turn away and face the positive side instead. It's not that hard, believe me.”

Hyungwon didn't let go of my shirt and I pushed my hair back with a sigh. “Should I stay?”

It was almost inaudible but I picked up on a quiet hum, followed by him tugging on my shirt, so I stopped worrying about possible consequences and lay down by his side.

“You're loud all the time, incredibly extra. But still you're getting soft at night as well”, he mumbled, already half asleep again and I furrowed my brows. “You are quite the same, huh?”

“Sleep, Hyungwon.” I pulled him closer after a moment of hesitation and felt him nod against my chest.

“Yeah, you're quite the same as him.”

 


	21. Deception is a game of playing pretend

I woke up when the first rays of sunlight fell into my room, my mind set on today's mission right away when I felt fingers lightly digging into my back. Minhyuk had stayed. I didn't think I'd ever say that again but it felt good waking up next to someone when there were thoughts keeping you busy day and night. It was somewhat comforting to have Minhyuk cling to my back, quiet snores to be heard every now and then, having me think everything was fine...

But who am I kidding, what the fuck am I saying?

It was a utopian change of mind. As though the whole Yi-en issue had never occurred in the first place. As though the general had never ruined me. As though I was a functioning and valid human being. And allowing myself to think this for just one moment was enough to have me move away from Minhyuk. _I should stop pretending I'm fine when I'm not. It's not fair._

I struggled a little to get Minhyuk to let go of my shirt so that I could sit up and look at him. His hands moved to the blanket, clawing at the fabric as his lips moved in his sleep. I couldn't suppress a warm smile upon seeing him like that. _He doesn't even stop talking in his dreams._

I was quick to clear my throat and shake him by his knee. “Morning, Minhyuk.”

He whined for several seconds, contracting into some sort of fetal position and I shook my head getting up. I stopped, standing next to the bed for a while and just looking at him furrowing his brows beneath the snow-white hair before I reached out to stroke his too-long fringe out of his face. He squirmed and I left the room with a sigh. I'd wake him up after a quick breakfast.

Kihyun had fallen asleep on the sofa it seemed, his crutches tossed to the ground and a blanket messily thrown over his body. I glanced at the coffee table to find a hastily scribbled note there. Judging by the horrible handwriting it must have been Changkyun's.

_Out. Be back soon._

I cocked my head to the side before placing the note on the table again as it was most likely meant for Kihyun to see. _He went out at, what, seven in the morning? That's unusual for him..._ Thinking that I wouldn't get a chance to say goodbye to him I continued my walk into the kitchen and had a quick coffee and some cereal, then went back to my room where Minhyuk was still sleeping like a baby. I knelt down and shook his body again. “Minhyuk? I'm going. Will most likely be back in four days.”

Suddenly, he jerked awake and turned his head to stare at me with big eyes while I returned his gaze with as much calmness as I could muster up, hiding my nervousness. “You're going?” I nodded, causing him to get up in an instant and he stood in front of me, swaying for a while as he tried to regain his balance. “And nothing can change your mind?”

A sigh escaped my lips, followed by a snort. “I'll be back. How many times do I have to tell you I won't die or anything?”

“As often as it takes you to prove it”, he shot back, now looking at the ground.

Silence passed between us until I scratched the back of my neck, taking a deep breath. “I promise I'll come back.”

Minhyuk knew I didn't use the word 'promise' carelessly and his gaze was back on me in the blink of an eye. “You promise?” Again I confirmed it by nodding, slowly and carefully grabbing my bag that lay next to the wardrobe and hanging it over my shoulder. Minhyuk wasn't supposed to know I had borrowed weapons. There was no way of explaining it but telling the truth and I couldn't do that. Especially not now.

“Well then...I'll be going.”

I turned and took a deep breath, walking towards the door but Minhyuk called out to me again.

“Hyungwon?” I was about to glance back, raising a brow when quick steps charged towards me, arms wrapping around me from behind before I knew it and I froze upon feeling his breath ghost over my skin. He leaned his forehead against my neck, tightening his arms around my waist. “Make sure to keep that promise. I'll...I'll miss you, you know? Like, a lot.”

Something soft that must have been his lips stroked the exposed skin of my neck and I couldn't stop myself from having yet another flashback. Back to a time where I knew nothing about human nature. Goosebumps formed on my skin, my heartbeat increasing and my breath quickening, all at once and I dug my fingernails into the palm of my hands. _But I'm different now._

I swallowed, grabbing his wrists and forcing him to let go of me. _He went too far_. “I gotta go.” Was that even my voice? It sounded hoarse and somewhat suffocated. It was exactly what I felt like then, leaving the room without looking back at him. It had nothing to do with him, was entirely my fault, but that didn't mean I was fine with him being like this. No, my heart was totally not fine with it and, thinking about it, neither was my mind. I couldn't be what he saw in me, I wasn't his cuddly toy.

Kihyun had woken up in the meantime and we exchanged a quick 'see you' as I opened the door and was past it in a second, leaving Minhyuk behind with my heart still racing like mad. I pulled my bag closer and curled my fingers around the fabric above my heart. It hurt. It hurt so fucking bad I had to laugh out loud. They say laughter is the best medicine. But laughing didn't help – not this time.

“Well done, Hyungwon”, I complimented myself, walking through the cool air of another spring morning and closing my jacket with a shiver. “You got yourself tangled in some great shit again.”

 

Reaching BTS' station I was confused about how many people were there, waiting for us to get moving. I had expected it to be only BTS but now there were about twenty others gathered at the subway. They were mostly people I knew, people who were at Seventeen's every week, people who were going to fight beside me for the time being.

People Minhyuk had told me he didn't want to lose.

I suppressed another shiver and quickly scratched my neck where Minhyuk's lips had touched me. _Calm down, idiot. Let it go,_ I thought, taking a deep breath and finding Namjoon at the far back, surrounded by his five remaining gang members. “Good morning”, I mumbled, hand raised to an implied salute and he smiled at me.

“Good to see you here. Now we're ready to go, I'll tell everyone. Just follow.”

I nodded, watching him leave as the urge to hide in the shadows grew to an uncomfortable extent. To be honest I didn't like being part of a mass of people. I was more of the secret follower nobody knew about until he saved their lives. You know I'm not very sociable.

Then, Jungkook gave me a light pat on the back with a smile. “I can't wait to go. We're so going to put them in their rightful place, I swear-”

“Don't jump the gun, there's many things that could go wrong”, I interrupted him with my jaw tensed a little and he was about to reply with some pouty remark when I mustered up the tiniest smile. “But yeah, we're going to show them.” He seemed satisfied then, not noticing how fake the smile was.

“Hyungwon?” I furrowed my brows as Jungkook and I turned towards the voice and my eyes widened in an instant.

“Changkyun, why are you here?” _Out. Be back soon,_ I remembered his note and grabbed his shoulder, shaking him a little. “You're not coming with us.”

The youngest had his eyes fixed on Jungkook behind me with an adverse expression. “I wanted to.”

I shook my head. “That wasn't a question. I'm saying you're not coming with us. It's dangerous.”

“Oh, so you think war will be easier for me to handle than this? Dude, I never really held a gun in my hands and I promised you I'd fight. Now you say you won't let me?” He was still looking past me and I glanced at Jungkook who scrunched up his nose before going to his gang mates, leaving us alone when the crowd started moving up the stairs.

“What's with Jungkook?”, I asked warily but Changkyun only hissed.

“He's always getting in my way when I'm out stealing. No biggie.”

I let out a frustrated sigh and dug my nails into his shoulder. “Whatever. War is all about shooting then running and hiding. This raid is going to be a planned attack.” I lowered my voice so that only he could hear it. “If only one thing goes wrong it will fail and you'll be in danger. No, you're not coming along, so go back to Kihyun and Minhyuk, they need you more.”

“Need me for what? I can't do anything but steal from corner stores. Monsta X is done for anyway.”

“Who said that?”

“Minhyuk.” It felt like a shot went right through my chest when Changkyun mentioned the other with a snort. “And he's right. Shownu, Jooheon and even Wonho left.” His eyes clouded with disappointment at the blond's name. “Now you're going too. Why should I stay?”

_Minhyuk said that? Is that what he's actually thinking?_ I swallowed. I didn't know about Shownu or Jooheon but Wonho had a reason for being absent. I wasn't allowed to tell them but I was itching to just say it. Another sigh escaped my lips. “Changkyun, I'm going to come back. I promised. So you go and help searching for Shownu and Jooheon. They can't have gone far. I don't want to put my gang members in danger when there's other stuff to take care of first.”

“But I-”

“No 'but', you'll stay.”

“Hyungwon, are you coming?”, Namjoon shouted from the stairs as the last people threw confused glances at me and I waved at them.

“Go ahead, I'll catch up. Be there in a minute!” My hand was still on Changkyun's shoulder and I shook him until he looked at me again. “I promised I'd come back. Promise me you'll stay here and wait.”

I could see the struggle in his eyes. He didn't  _want_ to be thrown into a fight, wanted to stay with those he loved spending time with, and yet he knew there would be an inevitable fight sooner or later.  _I can't do anything but steal from corner stores_ . He felt useless in his position as our youngest without options.

Our staring contest lasted several seconds until he finally averted his eyes, putting a hand in his pocket. “You'd better come back without a scratch. There.” He pulled out a gun and a taser that both had the symbol of the army engraved in them. My throat went dry.

“Where did you-”

“Stole them from an officer at the orphanage a while ago”, he replied with a shrug, still not looking at me. “Take them. Might be of help, I don't know.”

I moved my hand to Changkyun's head and pulled him against my chest for a moment while taking the weapons from him, hidden from the others' curious eyes. “You're brave, Changkyun. But don't put yourself in such danger again without anyone knowing. Thank you.” He exhaled, his breath rattling a little as he nodded.  
“You haven't been there for long but please come back, yeah?” I nodded and managed to form another smile, genuine this time, before I left him behind and jogged up the stairs after the others.

“I'm going to come back, don't worry.” Nobody heard my mumbled words while I was hiding the taser and gun in my bag, not telling anyone about my now four brought along weapons. Two guns, a taser and a batch of toxins. I had managed with less, I'd be fine.

I straightened my back and walked behind all the other guys and some girls that had mixed into our group.

_Then let's go, shall we?_ And so we walked. 

After making sure Changkyun wasn't following me for the next twenty minutes I focused on observing the people around m e. There was not one member of Seventeen as they were probably sticking with Seungch eol  and his opinions, but that didn't change the fact that most of Namjoon's followers were familiar faces of my age or younger.

They were too young to start this. They didn't know a thing about fighting except for their fights over food on the streets maybe. And also half of the people present had their families waiting for them at home. Just because they were gangs didn't mean they were orphans or runaways. Jooheon, for example, was neither. I couldn't suppress my frustrated sighs, kicking the gravel with furrowed brows from time to time. _One mistake and we're all done for._

I favored Namjoon's plan. It was time for us to rise. But this wasn't how I had imagined it. Compared to me these guys here were naïve children. They couldn't convince me of the opposite, I was the war machine while they didn't even know-

 _I never really held a gun in my hands,_ I remembered Changkyun's words and glanced at Jungkook who was walking beside Taehyung chattering away. _They don't know what awaits them._

I was drowning in baseless feelings of guilt for having riled them up the other day. It probably wouldn't have turned out differently, Namjoon would have convinced them sooner or later anyway, but I felt like it was still my fault. Guilt is a nasty feeling, it can keep you busy for hours, even days.

That's why I didn't notice how time went by, how the first people started complaining about aching feet, how my stomach growled or how the sun set. I stopped only when Namjoon put a hand on my arm and told me to rest. Jin and Jimin had brought gigantic backpacks and they put them down with exhausted sighs, opening them to reveal nothing but sandwiches and water. Lots of them. Everybody let out sounds of amazement while I sat on the nearby curbside, cocking my head to the side when Jin started handing out the small meals with the help of Jimin.

The latter got to me after a few minutes and I examined the sandwich he gave me with a frown. “That's what you two took along? For everyone?”

Jimin nodded. “I can't stay until the raid. My parents expect me to be at a family dinner tomorrow so I'll have to head back in a minute. Jin has university so he said preparing food was the least we could do for you.”

I hummed and we sat in silence for a while until I started unwrapping the bread with a sigh. “Thanks.”

“No probs. Eat up.” Jimin stood up and went to say goodbye to his friends while I ate as slowly as possible. They were all sticking together to make this raid a success in their own ways and I had to think of Minhyuk. He had to take care of the Clan so he couldn't come with me. We had our own fronts to fight at and it would all help us with forming a group.

Sandwiches, fights, drugs. What a weird combination.

 

We were told to sleep for a few hours around midnight. Our surroundings had changed from tall suburban houses to flatter countryside houses. There were two or three households Namjoon had talked to before that let us sleep in their houses so that we wouldn't have to be out in the cold and I was surprised by his foresight.

Then I was woken up at five, got up and kept walking, still not talking to anyone. Looks like everybody was too tense and too lost in thought to notice me trailing behind them with some distance. It was better that way. The fewer people noticed me the less I'd grow attached to all of them.

We reached our destination around noon – another city like the one I had been living in for the past months. But it was a bit louder. I could hear more cars in the area, it was obvious that there was something of importance located there. A rather high tower standing a bit out of town left no doubt – this was our target. Namjoon divided the group into several smaller ones and sent them to different places where they would be introduced to their part of the plan. Walking into the city with more than twenty people would have been rather suspicious after all and I nodded to myself.

“Where do I go?”, I mumbled, dodging when Namjoon tried to throw an arm around my shoulders.

“You're coming with me. I'll get you to our mastermind. I swear you'll be surprised.”

“Mastermind? How do I deserve that?”, I retorted, making sure to keep the mistrusting tone of voice to a minimum so that Namjoon wouldn't notice my discontent.

“You've made this whole thing a lot easier. Convincing people and stuff. And I heard you were good at combat or else you wouldn't have become Minhyuk's right-hand man. We could use that.”

I fell silent as soon as Minhyuk's name was mentioned, occupying myself with who that _mastermind_ was and why the hell I should be surprised. We walked through several small alleys and entered something like a mall, taking the escalators down the stairs. I was prepared for everything when we made our way through the basement. An old grandpa wanting to revive the times of the Korean War from sixty years ago. A guy around our age with overflowing confidence but lacking tactical knowledge. An abused woman that was seeking revenge in any way possible. I was close to it but I'd never have guessed the completely right answer.

Namjoon knocked on a metal door with a certain pattern and it opened a few seconds later. He shot me another glance with a confident smile as he entered the room. “I brought Hyungwon, the guy I talked to you about before.”

The room was as large as the convenience store I had worked at, but there wasn't much light and it was rather empty except for some chairs, boxes and a gigantic table in the middle with maps spread on it. I scanned the people: two women, four men excluding Namjoon and me. So these were the main manipulators? Who was the mastermind?

“Alright, let's see what we've got here”, one of the men said, standing up from the table and stepping towards me. It was a middle-aged man, wearing an unobtrusive outfit with a gun tucked into his belt. He was overtowering me by several centimeters and I couldn't stop my eyes from widening when I finally recognized him. It was him, the mastermind.

Namjoon was right: I was surprised. No, to say I was surprised was an understatement.

This was Kwangsu.

_Minhyuk let his fingers creak with a sigh. “Okay, question number fifteen: A person you want to meet someday?”_

_I raised a brow. “What do you mean?”_

“ _Ah, you really are something. Someone you'd call your idol. I know you'll ask me back so I'm telling you it's Beyoncé for me. Your ultimate idol, who is it?”_

“ _Beyon- wow, that's poor.” Minhyuk pouted, ready to defend his idol but I licked my lips with a hum to have him stop. I didn't like how he always had something to say. “There's that guy. Lee Kwangsu. I'd like to meet him one day. He's a legend.”_

Lee Kwangsu, the police chef that had been caught a few months ago during his last rebellion against the Chinese government – according to the newspapers. The one I had always wanted to meet because he seemed to be that much of a hero. “Now, what are you made of, young man?”, he whispered dangerously low, bringing me back to reality.

The alarms when off in my head when his hand went to his belt and I knew he was going to test me. It was something I had undergone several times and it didn't faze me the slightest. I was quick to push him away and retrieve the gun in one swift motion before he could even blink. Kwangsu smirked and reached out for a gun that had been lying on a nearby table, unnoticed by me, and I hissed, moving to press my gun's barrel against his throat while sliding the second gun out of his reach with my free hand.

I held my breath, not daring to acknowledge how close I was standing to him, and the remaining people shot up from their seats to help their 'mastermind' when a deep chuckle emitted from Kwangsu's throat. He hadn't been completely serious but I could tell his combat skills weren't developed as much as mine. I found it hard to believe but I was better at fighting than _Lee Kwangsu_. It had me frown. “We have a sly fox here, everyone. Don't worry, you may let me go, boy.” He raised his hands in defeat and we stared at each other for a few more seconds before I took a step back and gave him the gun.

“How did you escape the Chinese? I read you were caught.”

The tall man smirked at me. “All lies. I got away but they pretended that didn't happen and faked an interview. No big deal.”

“I see.” He might not have been the best at fighting but he was still a person I had admired for several years. “It's...it's a pleasure finally meeting you.” I nodded and low-key glared at Namjoon when he put a hand on my shoulder.

“I didn't know you were _that_ good”, he mumbled while Kwangsu crossed his arms, walking back to his seat with a smirk.

“Now tell me, fox, how did you learn close combat? It's not self-taught.”

“My name is Chae Hyungwon”, I clarified but he was having none of that.

“And if your name was Saekki Yang, I wouldn't care. You'd still be a sly fox. So tell me, foxy, where did you learn?” _Not another animal again, please_.

He was uncompromising and hard-boiled, it had me fall back into army patterns and I straightened my back unwittingly, clearing my throat. I didn't like his tone of voice, it had me on edge from the start.

“I was trained to be an assassin in the name of China several years ago. Everything I learned there is still of use now.”

“An assassin? How did you get out of the army?” Kwangsu didn't look impressed but I only smirked confidently, hiding my racing thoughts behind a well-practiced mask. The less I liked someone the easier it got to hide my true emotions. And Kwangsu had kicked himself from my idol spot in a matter of minutes. Now he was just some overly confident guy.

“I ran. It's as simple as that. I killed a superior on my run three years ago and stopped assassinating as soon as I set foot out of that hell. That's all.”

There was no lie in my narrative, not a single one. All I did was leave out certain...details. Like the tattoo on my side, branding me. Or that I had become a spy after they caught me trying to run away. That the son of one of the most important generals was my most precious memory of that time. That I was still welcome in their rows. But Kwangsu simply didn't need to know and I didn't say anything when he nodded, already satisfied with what I had told him. “Sounds good”, he said, looking at Namjoon, “I like that fox you brought, Namjoon. Well done.”

“It was mere coincidence”, he replied, bowing his head with a smile while I kept standing motionless until Kwangsu waved me closer, his dark eyes on me. I could see hatred in them, confidence and power. But more the anything I could see a broken man. So this was the man I had wanted to meet so bad? That one guy I had labeled my idol because he would finally make a difference? His image fell apart with every minute I spent in that basement.

“Say, how much do you know about infiltrating buildings?”

“Are you asking a trained assassin about infiltration? You should know better”, I replied dryly, scanning the maps on the table. They were labeled well, I could read them in few seconds, taking the needles they had pinned to certain parts of the map into account.

“Fox boy is sassy, I don't like that”, Kwangsu whispered, resting his elbows on the tabletop. I was disappointed. He was just another old man driven by his hatred towards China, nothing else. So basically, I had been close with my guesses before. “Haegyeong. Explain.”

One of the two women stepped forward and we stared at each other for several seconds before she lowered her gaze to explain the plan.

It had been this easy to become a part of the inner circle, I was wondering if that guy had ever really been the Kwangsu I admired so much. I could have killed him in one go if I had still been on China's side. He took everything he could and I resisted the urge to shake my head. Lee Kwangsu had been reduced to a mere shell with a name. This raid hadn't been planned for a long time, hell, his last riot had been only three or four months ago. It was _my_ job to make the best of it and mine only. I couldn't risk all of Minhyuk's friends' lives because of a vengeful combat veteran.

 

Basically the plan was to get another young guy into the building where he would crawl through several air shafts before he'd overbear a few guards and switch off the cameras. After that he'd draw the remaining people's attention towards the east gate while everybody else went for the western entrance. Kwangsu was convinced this would go like clockwork.

I furrowed my brows and stared at him through my fringe. “What if that first person makes a mistake? What will you do then?”

Another man leaned back on his seat. “That won't happen. Our boy is like a machine. The best of his kind. There's no room for error in him.”

 _There was no room for error in me either but I still messed up at the beginning._ “But you never know-”

“Foxy, I _always_ know”, Kwangsu interrupted me, rising to his feet again and I felt utterly suffocated in the spacious basement all of a sudden. It was disgusting how quick my only hope had shattered to pieces. “You just lean back and wait for my sign.”

“What kind of leader would send his troops in without a second plan-”

“Did I not make myself clear? This will work and I know it. There's no time to think of a _plan B.”_

“There we have it. No _time._ You should have taken your damn time with making this plan.”

Namjoon cleared his throat, a little nervous all of a sudden. “Hyungwon, I don't think you-” He reached out for my shoulder but I pushed him away with a glare, shaking my head.

“No. If anything goes wrong this will be a suicide squad. Did I say it was a pleasure meeting you? I'll take that back. I'm leaving.”

I turned around and ripped the door open to leave in a hurry. The last thing I heard was a disappointed sigh coming from Kwangsu and Namjoon replying. “Get him back once the operation starts. He's too good to not participate.”

“Yes sir.”

I didn't know where I was headed, my bag pressed against my body as I made my way through streets and alleys. “What an idiot I was”, I hissed to myself, entering an old house before a car passed by. It was past curfew after all. “To think he'd actually plan things out after six years of continuing rebellion.” There were people living in that house, light emitting from the small slits beneath the doors, and I walked all the way up the stairs until I reached the flat roof above the fourth floor where the wind was blowing with a little more force.

I was mad at China, of course, for having done this to our small country. I was mad at Kwangsu for carelessly endangering us all. I was mad at myself for blindly having idolized someone like that. And I was more than glad that I had sent Changkyun home.

I sat with my legs dangling from the building, head leaning against the cool metal railing that would have done a poor job preventing me from jumping off. The rooftop had me thinking of Minhyuk who was scared of heights. His mother had jumped off a building, that much I could figure until now, and I pulled my jacket closer to my body looking at the slowly darkening sky. “I wonder if I'll ever know what really happened to her. The whole story”, I mumbled, curling my fingers around the metal bars. “I'd like to know why Minhyuk is the way he is.”

Another shiver had to be suppressed when I thought of his backhug the morning before. How his lips had brushed the skin of my neck as he spoke. How low his voice had been as though he feared there would be a negative outcome if he spoke too loudly. And as much as I hated physical contact, as much as I wanted to run away from everyone, I still wanted to find comfort in these hugs. I felt bad for not letting Minhyuk know why I was scared, yet I couldn't bring myself to talk about it. _I guess that's just the way I am. A compilation of paradoxes,_ I thought with a sigh, clenching my fists while chewing on my bottom lip. _But I will change that once I'm back._ I was fed up with myself by now.

My eyes followed a flock of birds until they were reduced to mere dots at the horizon. “I'll try to tell you before it destroys me. Before it destroys you. Just wait”, I whispered, swallowing, “Please, just wait a little more.”

I won't deny that distracting myself with Minhyuk calmed me down, hell, I wouldn't have stayed for another minute if I didn't feel like I had to save his friends by now. This whole 'taking over the radio tower' thing had turned into a joke in less than ten minutes along with my optimism. “I'll make sure nobody dies”, I muttered to myself. “If I can do that, nothing else matters. And then I'll go back to Minhyuk and come clean.”

Other thoughts were added to my clouded mind. Had they found Shownu? And Jooheon? Were they alright or had something happened? I wouldn't know until I returned. And I would return for sure. “Just wait a little more.”

The sun's last rays shot across the sky and I watched them disappear when something metallic was knocked over on the street below. I stuck my head through the railing's bars and saw someone looking up at me. “Hyungwon? Is that you?”, Jungkook's voice reached my ear and I swung my feet back and forth in reply, hoping he'd get it. I pulled my bag into my lap, hiding my weapons yet again when BTS' youngest stepped onto the roof. “Dude, we've been looking for you for quite a while now.”

“Does Kwangsu miss his fox boy?”, I retorted sarcastically, still staring off into the far distance when the boy sat down next to me.

“What? Namjoon sent me. Who is Kwangsu?”, he asked in confusion and I figured he didn't know about the shitty 'mastermind' behind their plan, so I just waved it off.

“Never mind. You're participating in the raid?”

“Of course.” He nodded confidently. “I'm going in with the third wave. Would have preferred the first but it's okay.” _There are different waves?_

“When is it gonna start?”

Jungkook's eyes widened and he grabbed my arm. “You don't know?” I shook my head with a frown. “We're sending Haechan in in an hour.”

My heart skipped a beat when the shock set in and I got to my feet in a hurry. “ _One_ hour? Are you kidding me?” It was the other's turn to shake his head and I hissed, directing my gaze towards the tower I could see in the distance. I couldn't keep wasting my time with sulking, I needed to be able to act. “I need to get to Namjoon. Where is he?”

“He's at some mall, uh, I'll get you there.” Jungkook was visibly confused by my sudden panic but didn't ask and just stood up, leading me down the stairs and through several streets I didn't remember. “Hyungwon?” I gave him a tense hum. “Namjoon said you told him Hoseok is fine. Is it true?”

I blinked and looked at him but he had his lips pressed together, eyes forward. He was worried, I could tell, so I forced myself to relax a little, patting him on the back. “He's fine. I heard some stuff here and there. But I don't know about the details.”

Jungkook nodded and fell silent, the two of us sneaking through the city while avoiding an officer or two on the way until we reached the mall I had been at before, Namjoon welcoming me with nothing but crossed arms and a raised eyebrow. “Thanks Kookie, go to your position.”

“Sure.”

I clenched my teeth and glanced at the escalator we were headed for yet again. There was half an hour left until that other guy would try to get into the radio tower. “I thought you wanted to go in tomorrow?”, I hissed but Namjoon just shrugged.

“I'll listen to whatever Kwangsu says.”

“That's not a good idea.”

“How can this be a success if I don't trust my leader?”

“Namjoon, it doesn't matter how good of a leader is if he doesn't even think of more than one fucking tactic. He's not even taking part in the main attack, right? He's just staying here-”

“Hyungwon, are you in or not? Because we can't use people who are half-assing here.” _Say that to your great leader._

We glared at each other for several seconds until I swallowed my pride. I wouldn't get anywhere with him, Namjoon was dead set on doing this. He was too far down the hole, mind games wouldn't work anymore. “I'm in.”

A careful smile made its way up his face when he nodded. “Good. Then come.”

We went to the basement again where I was now greeted with mistrusting glances and quiet hisses. Kwangsu scanned me from head to toe before smirking in satisfaction. “Our fox has come back. Wonderful.”

_If he calls me fox once more I'll punch him to death_ , I growled in my head. It had been bad enough to live with 'turtle' for more than three years, I had enough of that animal nickname shit. I sat down on the nearest chair without a word and waited. 

I was patient though I didn't even have to be. Half an hour was nothing when you were plotting possible emergency plans on your own. I glanced at the maps every now and then, imprinting them into my mind and trying to find possible escape routes. The others were continually mumbling amongst each other until Kwangsu spoke up again, putting a small device on the table. “Now, let's get this started, shall we?”

I recognized the thing as some sort of walkie talkie, the kind I had used for my early operations as well and I swallowed when one of the nameless men sitting to my right spoke up. “Haechan? You listening?”

There was some rustling before someone's steady breathing could be heard. “Am listening. Guard number four has just passed by, I will now proceed to get in.”

“Inform us about anything that might be off the radar.”

“Roger.”

I swallowed hard, turning to glance at Namjoon with a whisper. “It's a teenage boy, right?” His voice had been too high-pitched to be that of an adult and the second woman I didn't know the name of replied in his stead.

“Of course. Do you think a full-grown adult would fit into the air shafts?”

“Holy shit”, I groaned, burying my face in my hands while everybody had their ears cocked for any messages from the young boy. When they had said 'young' I didn't expect it to be a child. It felt like I was pushed back to that time when they had told Sangwon to sneak into a building, this was all too similar. I hated everything about this plan.

Five minutes passed until Haechan switched on his earpiece again. “I'm in. Now moving towards the camera room.”

Kwangsu nodded. “Good. You're doing good. Proceed.”

Another five minutes passed. Then ten. Fifteen. I grew anxious. I wanted to check on him and reached for the walkie talkie but Namjoon grabbed my wrist. “What are you doing?”

I ripped it away with a growl. “Am I part of this mission or not?” I glanced at Kwangsu who simply had his brows furrowed before snatching the small device from the table. “Haechan?”, I mumbled quietly, “Haechan, are you okay?” Another ten seconds passed until there were some sounds again.

“It's difficult”, the crackling voice in the speaker said between two heavy breaths. “Every movement is too loud. They picked up on some noise already. I can't move forward or backward, nothing helps. I'm sorry.” He couldn't suppress a voice crack, indicating how horrified he was. “They'll get me.”

My heart skipped another beat and I closed my eyes for a few seconds before directing my gaze at Kwangsu who was sitting there with confusion all over his face. “It failed?”, he whispered quietly before shaking his head. “No, we'll keep going. We have enough people to just overrun the building without sneaking in-”

“Are you fucking kidding me?”, I interrupted him, slamming my hand on the table to get everyone's attention. “You're just going to run straight into a bunch of alarmed officers that already noticed something's going on?”

“What options do we have? It's all about the manpower. If only one of us stands at the end we'll still be victorious.”

“And that one person would be you, of course.”

Kwangsu raised his hands in defeat. “You got me there.”

“You want to sacrifice all those brave people out there”, I clarified for the other six people to hear and Namjoon inhaled sharply when it finally hit him. _At last_ , I thought, trying not to roll my eyes before piercing the great mastermind with them. “You will keep quiet now and you'll give me a whole hour. If nothing has happened until then, you may do whatever you deem right. But you'll give me one fucking hour and not a minute less”, I growled. “ _I_ have a plan B.”

Kwangsu rose to his feet, trying to intimidate me with his height but I had been through worse, standing strong with my chin raised. The more seconds passed the more I was worried about Haechan getting a panic attack in the narrow vent, which is why I immediately grabbed the walkie talkie again when Kwangsu clenched his teeth. “One hour. One.”

I nodded and heaved my bag over my shoulder, slithering out of the room in a hurry while pressing the button on the small device in my hand. “Okay, Haechan. You still there?” A quiet crackling noise sounded, followed by a hum and I sighed. “Don't move. Don't panic. I-  _We_ are trying a different plan, so you just stand by and don't do anything. If there's a commotion, use that to get out. And I mean out of that whole building. Understood?”

“I-” He snuffled and took a deep breath. “Okay. Roger.”

I exhaled in relief because he sounded like he would actually wait for a good moment to get out and not jump the gun. Literally. I furrowed my brows when something came to my mind and I spoke into the device again. “Who else is listening to this?”

Another crackling noise, a different voice. “Base A here. All four bases are listening. Waiting for orders.” It was a mature voice, probably someone in his thirties and I nodded to myself.

“Good. Be ready to rush in but give me enough time. I need about twenty minutes once I get there.”

“Base C, Yoongi here. What do you need twenty minutes for?” I missed a beat upon hearing a familiar voice but kept running just a moment later. “Why are you on your way there? How do you-”

“Just trust me and hope that it works. Whatever I say and whatever kind of orders I give you through this walkie talkie, don't listen to me. I'll lure them to the east gate as planned and you stick with the plan. Haechan will retreat while everyone else concentrates on the plan as it has been explained to you before. I repeat, do _not_ listen to what I say on this channel starting from now”, I panted and switched the walkie talkie off when the distance to the radio tower was down to a few hundred meters. I caught for breath and rested my hands on my knees for a moment. Of course it had come down to me. I could do this. Chae Hyungwon could do this. No, wait.

It wasn't Hyungwon.

I inhaled and exhaled.

“Just trust turtle, everyone. Trust him this once.”

 

There once lived a young man, some might even have called him a boy, who wanted to get his revenge for what the world had done to him.

He was void of all human feeling. He never laughed. He never cried. All he did was follow the orders he was given without ever looking back at all the lives he ruined on his way.

He was mysterious. Nobody knew how he worked or what his usual patterns were.

He was anonymous. Most people didn't know what he looked like, so they started using a nickname they had picked up on.

He was the one they called turtle.

 


	22. Longing is self-willed

_Every parting is a form of Death, as every reunion is a type of Heaven –_ Tryon Edwards

 

* * *

 

 

I was moving quickly, eyes fixed on the tower's main entrance while my fingers slowly let go of the walkie talkie in my pocket. _This is it. You did similar stuff before, it's not that hard_ , I kept repeating in my head like a mantra. Another look at the whole building, another glance over my shoulder. And then I focused on the first uniformed man I could spot, walking up to him.

He saw me from afar and I could see how his stance got defensive but I raised my hands as if to surrender, not slowing down until he was within earshot. _Chinese. Remember that._ “I've got bad news for you.” Several Chinese sentences shot through my mind but I kept my cool and put on my mask, slipping back into the cold-hearted mode I had been so used to for a long time.

“Who the fuck are you?”, the guard replied in horribly impolite Chinese and I suppressed the urge to purse my lips when he pointed his rifle at me.

“Spy”, I just replied, opening my jacket and raising my shirt to reveal the numeric code on my side. “Now listen, this is urgent.”

“What's going on here?”, another guy joined our conversation and I turned to him in a hurry, maintaining my serious face.

“There's a revolt planned.”

“A revolt? Yeah, right-”, the first guy mumbled but the second interrupted him with a raise of his hand.

“What was that?”

“You heard me”, I hissed, clenching my fists instead of crossing my arms. I couldn't show dumb and dumber that I was annoyed with them. “They're already around, we have about thirty minutes until chaos breaks out. Now let me in, please. I need to see the cameras.”

The two guards exchanged a longer look before they told me to follow them into the building. They didn't ask what was inside my bag, only shot it several mistrusting looks. As long as they didn't ask, I wouldn't tell them I had weapons on me. Always remain mysterious and anonymous. I was led through several corridors on different levels until we reached the third level where a few screens were showing me different views of what was going on on the in- and outside – which wasn't much. Yet.

The plans Kwangsu had shown me of the building had been right and I could tell the broadcasting room was only one level higher from where I was at that moment, calmness spreading in my chest. It was much easier to infiltrate a building when people thought you were on their side from the start.

Well, more or less. A man looked up from a nearby computer with a frown while the guards that had accompanied me took off their helmets. “What's going on, who is that?”

“I am-”

“This kid said there's a revolt planned”, guard number one interrupted me, causing the one at the computer to raise his brows.

“Really? That would explain the weird noises we heard earlier. How do you know?”

I stepped forward and sighed when guard one let out a low growl. “I'm a spy on outdoor use, I report whenever there is something to report and I picked up on this only today. My number is zero four one three nine four.”

“Are you one hundred percent sure this is real?”

I nodded, hands clasped behind my straightened back. “I'm usually staying in a city near Shŏu'ĕr where I have many connections. One of my acquaintances told me about this revolt, asking me to join. I played along and they told me everything. It wasn't that hard, I can change the plan in the blink of an eye but I'll need your compliance.”

Shŏu'ĕr was the Chinese version of Seoul; took me three months to get that into my head because it sounded so weird. I snorted at the memory of how mad my instructor was at me for still calling it Seoul during my fourth class. I hated that guy-

The computer guy furrowed his brows. “What a strange story.” _He doesn't believe me_. “Do you have actual proof of this or are you fucking with us?”

“I'm not _fucking with you_ ”, I replied, fishing for the walkie talkie in my pocket and showing it to all three of them. “This is all it takes to change their plan. I'm part of the inner circle.”

“Inner circle? As if you'd get in that easily.” The two guards behind me got defensive and I turned around with a groan.

“Did you ever deal with spies before? This is routine work, I can enter any revolutionary group if I want to because I'm of Korean origin. As I know how to fight well I'm gladly accepted into any inner circle. Calm your shit and let me do my job. Those organizations are never really organized, getting in is a no-brainer.”

“Let's suppose you're right about this”, the computer guy brought us back to the main point, standing up. “How many people are involved?”

I clenched my teeth. “I have no exact number.” I really didn't but exaggerating wasn't a good idea. “Around thirty, maybe forty. But they have few to no combat skills, they're easy prey. They _do_ have guns though. How many guards do you have?”

“Like, twenty? Twenty-five tops.”

“That's fine”, I replied in an instant, trying not to sigh in relief. _Only about twenty._ I could take them out myself if I had enough time to plan but I didn't so I had to stick to my plan. “They wanted to lure everyone towards the main entrance so that they could get in through the backdoor.”

“Of course it had to be the back door. Idiots”, guard two said while guard one kept shaking his head.

“Still we need proof of your word.”

 _I knew they'd do this._ I showed them the walkie talkie again. “Since I've got their trust, I might as well send them new orders. I'll get them to the east gate where you'll put a quick end to this. Any objections? Of course you can still guard the back if you don't even believe those who are on your side.”

The three guys exchanged a few glances before agreeing with slow nods and I smirked, raising the walkie talkie to my mouth. They wouldn't suspect the west gate as I had pointed out all the other entrances. They had taken the bait. “Do you know Korean?”

The computer guy made a face. “More or less.”

“Then listen closely.” I pressed a small button on the device and kept my eyes fixed on him as I rounded a table to stand at the screens showing the camera footage. “This is the main base. Do you hear me? Confirm.”

A few seconds passed until the familiar crackling noise was back. “A, listening.”

“B, listening.”

“C and D got together as planned. Listening.”

I tore my eyes away from the guards to look at the various screens. “Good. Now, there is a change of plan. Our observations were flawed. I rounded the building again and there's too many guards at the back. It's like Haechan said, they're suspecting something.”

A longer silence spread and I figured nobody would confirm they had understood what I was saying so I just kept talking. _Rookies._ “We'll go for the east gate instead. I don't know why but there are almost no guards there. I could spot only two there while all the other entrances had three or four.” I glanced at the computer guy who had narrowed his eyes at me but I just stared back. “Did you get that?”

He swallowed and gave me a slow nod while the walkie talkie came to life again. “Bases C and D. Confirmed. The...the east gate, yeah?”

I smiled and nodded in satisfaction. “Right. You know what I told you before, right? Do _exactly_ as I told you to.” _Because I told you to go with the original plan._

Yoongi's voice could be heard again and I could tell he was nervous. “Of course, we remember crystal clear. Just like you said. Going in in ten minutes.”

“Base A. Understood. We'll get ready.”

“Base B. Copy that.”

“Alright. Proceed. I'm out.” I glanced at the computer guy again and gave him a firm nod before releasing the walkie talkie's button and switching it off for the moment. Ten minutes left. This was okay.

The computer guy chewed on his bottom lip for a while, then looked at the two guards who were looking out of place as they hadn't understood a word. “Go gather the guards. One for the west gate, two each at the main entrance and back door and the rest goes to the east gate. We can't let those peasants take over a radio station of this scale.” They nodded and took off in a hurry, leaving me alone with the assumed brain of the tower.

I glanced around with a sigh, walking up to the computer that was logged into the Chinese intranet. I could see a warning field blink but didn't dare clicking on it so I turned towards the other guy with a raised brow. “There's an emergency notice. What's going on?”

He drew patterns on the nearby table, his jaw tensed as he took a deep breath. “America. They couldn't settle on an agreement with us. It's a war notice.”

I gasped with my eyes widening as though this was completely new to me. “Agreement? War? When did all this happen?”

The computer guy furrowed his brows before realization hit him. “How long were you undercover?”

I showed him several signs of nervousness to appear genuine. “A-about one month and a half.”

“So that's it. Yeah, shit went down for a couple weeks now. We're going to war in a few days.” _A few days? Fuck._ I had to get back to Monsta X, they needed to know. There would be more cars in the area to look for new soldiers and they mustn't leave the house if it wasn't absolutely necessary. Changkyun, Kihyun, Wonho, Shownu, Jooheon...Minhyuk. I couldn't let either of them run into a bunch of officers.

“That's...shit”, I muttered to give the other guy a reaction and he nodded, scrunching up his nose.

We remained silent for several minutes and I watched as the guards regrouped at the east gate, their black uniforms forming a contrast with the white walls. They entered the camera screens and left again, hurrying towards their new position and I smirked. _Like brainless ants._

“You know”, the computer guy started again, standing next to me with his arms crossed. “I couldn't help mistrusting you but you really are on our side, huh? How does it feel, telling on your own people? Betraying what once was your country?”

I glanced at my watch and my eyes lit up a little. Ten minutes had passed. _Let's go._ “You get used to it. It's all about surviving anyway”, I mumbled, slipping my hand into my bag to find the taser Changkyun had given to me before. I still couldn't believe they hadn't searched my bag – I'd have had an excuse of course but it was still just plain stupid of them. They didn't know who they were up against. “Oh, and there's something I forgot to tell you.”

His head snapped towards me and I shrugged with a sinister grin. This was my favorite part. “I'd never betray my country.” I moved quickly, grabbing him by the hair with one hand while pressing the taser against his neck with the other. He thrashed around for a few seconds, eyes wide until his movements grew weaker and he fell to the floor like a puppet. I stared at him with a look of disgust before switching the walkie talkie back on again.

“In case you've been waiting for a signal: This is it. Haechan, get out of there.”

Said boy's voice sounded only a moment later. “Roger! On my way out!”

I kicked the lifeless body to my feet with another growl and sat down in front of the computer, scanning the desk to find a bunch of thumb drives. “Now let's see what we have here.” I retrieved information about weapon arsenals, two other radio towers in the south, current news about the upcoming war and copied the newsfeed in general. While I was waiting for the data transfer to be completed I looked at the surveillance screens and noticed how the guards were running around in confusion once the first shots could be heard from the west gate.

“Please don't let anyone die”, I mumbled to myself when another idea came to my mind. Darkness was always better for infiltrations, wasn't it? I buried the thumb drive in my pocket and made sure the computer guy was still knocked out to his fullest before finding the fuse box and slamming the taser into it. There was a small explosion with sparks flying everywhere when everything went dark.

It took ten seconds until the building automatically switched over to emergency power and I got up, pacing down the stairs in a hurry. The light was very dim and of red color, it made blending in with the surroundings a lot easier. I rounded a corner to be confronted with three guards blocking my way about ten meters down the hall. No firearms, only close combat.

“Hey! Hey, who are you?”, one of them barked in Korean and I took a few steps back, rummaging through my bag while replying in Chinese.

“I'm one of your spies. I informed you about the revolt.”

“Your information were all wrong, they went through the opposite side. What kind of shitty spy are you?!”

I put a hand on my heart in pretended surprise. “Really? That's not good, I guess.” My fingers found one of the jars of glass and I shrugged with another smirk. “My bad.”

I threw the jar on the ground and covered my mouth and nose with my sleeve. Smoke emitted as soon as the liquid got into contact with air and the guards were charging towards me in a second. Two didn't seem to get what the smoke was, dropping to the floor with weak coughs. The third had held his breath quickly enough, throwing one punch after the other at me. I was caught off-guard by his speed, holding my breath while stepping back and defending myself.

Steps behind me caused my focus to waver for a moment and I glanced over my shoulder but couldn't see anybody. The guard used that short moment to land a blow to my stomach, followed by his fist colliding with my face. I felt my lip throb painfully, even tasted blood in my mouth, but didn't let myself be distracted any longer and countered in the blink of an eye. He was taken aback and gasped for air – the one mistake he made, causing me to retreat and watch as his movements grew weaker. Ten more seconds and I could be sure he was unconscious. _Three down, only about seventeen to go._

I wiped the blood from my chin but didn't bother for much longer and followed the sound of gunshots ringing through the air taking the walkie talkie again. “Haechan? How are you doing?”

I found another guard on his way to reinforce his comrades and knocked him out before he could even notice me, panting while making sure to disarm him.“I-I'm out! What should I do now?”, Haechan's voice reached me as I filled my bag with another gun and taser.

 _Good. Very good._ “How's everything going out there? But stay out of fights!”

“A few managed to get in unnoticed but not many.” _Maybe that's what I noticed back there_ , I thought, touching the sore spot around my lip only to flinch. “The rest is drawing the whole attention towards them. We abandoned the wave system and just went all at once. It's really easy, I think we could have done without sneaking in before.”

“Even if you say so, it's better to keep the risk to a minimum.”

“Was just saying.”

“If there are any severely wounded people from the front rows try to get them out somehow. I don't want any deaths today.”

“Roger!”

“Oh, and Haechan?”

“Yeah?”

I nodded and pushed myself onward. “Good work.”

He snorted. “Didn't do anything. But thanks.”

I thrust the device into my bag yet again, exchanging it for a gun, and went for the fourth floor. If everyone was concentrating on keeping the guards outside I'd go look for the few people that had managed to get in. I found a guard crouching on the ground with blood flowing from his side and I was quick to knock him out with a swift kick.

Second floor. Third. Fourth.

I stepped out of the dark staircase and entered the corridor when my ears picked up on someone thrashing around while others mumbled amongst themselves in Korean. I didn't allow myself to relax and peeked through the window that was in the door to the recording room. Three people with flashlights were standing next to each other in front of a rather large control pad while a fourth one was lying on the ground.

I figured they didn't know what to do with all these buttons and since the Chinese speaking person, a young woman it seemed, wasn't of much help to them they had tied them down instead. That's why I softly knocked on the door, having them spin around with wide eyes. “It's just me”, I said, showing myself to them by pushing the door open and I recognized Taehyung who had his gun raised with bad posture. Even if he had tried to shoot me he would have missed for sure. I calmly stared at him until he finally lowered his weapon. “Hyungwon.”

The other two relaxed as well and I nodded, walking up to them. “So, what to do now that we took control of this? You don't know how to work a radio, right?”

“Well, it's...No, not really. It's been a long time since I've even seen this much technology. The electricity was shut off for some reason”, Taehyung muttered as I let my eyes wander across the monitoring desk.

“I know, that was me. Give me a moment.” I couldn't read all of the Chinese ideographs – I was much better at talking than reading or writing – and glanced at the young woman on the ground again, switching over to Chinese in an instant. “How does it work?”

She stared at me with gigantic eyes and I ignored the surprised looks the other three shot me, concentrating on what she was saying. “It's e-easy”, she stuttered, pointing at a few buttons with her tied hands. “Go l-live. Mute. Switching on a-and off. The rest is not...not very important.”

I nodded and pressed the 'going live' button before walking into the small booth that contained the microphone, putting on the headphones. _Back to Korean._ “H-hello?” I cleared my throat and glanced back at Taehyung who was mumbling into his walkie talkie before I noticed the now glowing sign above my head. The same characters as on the button I had pressed; it seemed to work. I inhaled once more.

“I hope you can hear me out there. We...We took over a radio station today. We as in a bunch of what many deemed no-good Koreans. We as in the people that was oppressed by China for so long. We as in...as in those who strive for more.” I felt my built up frustrations crawl to the surface and clenched my teeth for a few seconds before talking again.

“I'm here with many others. I don't know how many are listening right now, if _anyone_ is listening, but to those who are... Please spread the word. That we will stand up now. That we are ready. That we have the odds in our favor. And that we're in this together. Don't rush things. But know that whatever you do – we'll have your backs. That's all for now, uhm...thank you.”

I took the headphones off and walked back to the monitoring desk to stop the broadcast, staring at the three in front of me. “How was that for a first?” Taehyung wordlessly passed me the walkie talkie but a smile broke out on his face when I furrowed my brows. I thought this to be a good sign. “This is Hyungwon talking.”

“Nice one, foxy. We heard everything. Your work there is done. Come back.”

I clenched my teeth at the sound of Kwangsu's composed voice. What right did _he_ have to give me orders now? I had just saved everyone's asses. Or not? I blinked and kept speaking into the walkie talkie. “What about those fighting in front of the building? Everybody's fine?”

A longer silence spread and I waited for the device to crackle to life again with impatience. There was an unknown voice on the other side. “Back at base A. Several badly wounded guys from the front rows. I believe one or two might not make it. But all guards are either knocked out or dead.”

I glanced at Taehyung. “Can you lead me to that base?”

He shook his head, pointing at one of his companions. “I've got my orders to stay here but Changsub can.”

Said guy stepped forward with a careful smile on his face. “Yeah, I can. You really need to go there? Our headquarters called you back, I don't know if you should-”

“I don't care about the _headquarters._ If I did you would probably have been dead by now”, I interrupted him with a dismissive gesture, talking into the device in my hand again. “I'll head over to you, base A. Don't kill any more guards, we might need them for information later.”

“Foxy, I told you to come back here, so you'd better-” Kwangsu's voice was cut off by me switching channels with a snort.

“Asshole. Whatever. Hey, you.” I turned towards the young lady to my feet. “Don't fret, if you don't do anything stupid we'll let you go in no time.” She nodded with clattering teeth and I straightened my back. “Let's go.” Changsub hesitated for another moment but then nodded and escorted me out of the tower.

I checked the unconscious' pulses every time we passed by one of the guards and found most of them to be alive but in immense pain. Those who had been shot weren't dead, vital organs damaged but not pierced through, and as much as I wanted to see the army suffer I couldn't bring myself to look at an actual human doubling up with pain for longer than a few seconds. I would have delivered them from pain if they had been Koreans but as that wasn't the case, I left them to die on their own. Mother nature would do the deed. I glanced at Changsub. “The guy lying in the central surveillance room knows a bit of Korean, tie him up and keep him alive.”

 

The people at base A were mostly fine but then another wounded caught my eye and I hurried over to the woman that was almost unconscious. She was about twenty-four years old, a young boy sitting next to her. He held her hand and mouthed silent prayers but I knew she wasn't going to make it the moment I saw her stomach riddled with bullets. “Hello. Can you hear me?”, I mumbled and she looked over at me with glazed eyes. “What's your name?”

Someone behind me switched on a walkie talkie and I picked up on Changsub mumbling that I was at their base, the angry voice of Kwangsu replying but I didn't listen.

The young boy looked up, his teeth clenched as a tear escaped his eye, followed by several others. “Her name's Haeri.”

“Haeri”, I repeated. I had never been good at this, left that kind of stuff to my subordinates back when I was confronted with unwanted deaths, so I just stroked her hair out of her face and kept my eyes fixed on hers. “You did well. You may rest now. It's-” It was suffocating, watching the light fade and hearing the young boy sob uncontrollably. How old was he even? Fifteen? “If you meet someone called Sangwon...tell him I said hi. Go. To a better place.”

Haeri didn't have any power left to reply but she closed her eyes with the hint of a smile on her lips and that was enough for me to tear my eyes away from her. It was better to go with a smile; Sangwon had smiled as well.

“F-foxy, right?”, someone said behind me and I glared at the person holding out another device. How many of those did I have to receive today?

“It's Hyungwon”, I mumbled, stroking Haeri's face again before moving on to the next body. “What is it now?”

Namjoon, this time. “Hyungwon, what are you doing? The boss wants you to get back.”

“I'm tending to those I couldn't protect with a messy plan”, I muttered, closing the eyes of a man that must have been slightly older than me. The remaining wounded seemed to be able to make it though it would take a long time for their wounds to heal. _Two people out of something like sixty._ It wasn't good to lose even one but it could have been much worse and I forced myself to turn away from the whining and wincing people.

“Come back now.”

“I'm going to come back whenever I fucking want to, alright?!”, I barked at the device that was still taken after me by that poor guy I didn't know. “If you guys can't bother to come out of your shell then _I'll_ show I care about each and every single of the people who would have sacrificed their lives or even did, dammit!” I glanced up at the scared guy with narrowed eyes. “Get that thing away from me, I don't care what they say.”

I walked towards the next group of people, finding most of them in pretty good condition, including Jungkook and Yoongi, thankfully. The latter managed to form a smile. “This might have ended worse if it weren't for you. Thanks, Hyungwon.” _There you are, is it so hard to say thank you?_

In the end I just waved it off and wanted to move on when someone tugged at my sleeve. My head turned to be confronted with the crying boy who had been sitting by Haeri's side before and I blinked, waiting for him to speak. “I...Uh, you were the one giving the orders earlier, right? The one who told me to get out.”

It was only then that it dawned to me. “Haechan?” He nodded and I glanced back at the woman lying on the ground behind us. “Then Haeri is-”

“She's my sister.” He pressed his lips together and clenched his hands to fists. “Thank you for...for doing your b-best. It was you who saved this whole thing and I know I wasn't of any help and-”

“Getting you out of there was my priority and here you are. What more is there to say?”

He took a deep rattling breath and looked away. “I-If I had just been caught by the guards at least I wouldn't be left behind now.”

“Don't say that.” I put both hands on his shoulders, forcing him to look at me. “I know what you mean, but that's not how it works. There's a reason why you're alive. Find it”, I said firmly, holding his gaze. “She wouldn't want you to talk like that.”

He was on the verge of tears again and I would have hugged him if I hadn't been so scared of showing emotional warmth. Another guy passed by and recognized Haechan, his eyes widening. “Hey, come here, what happened?” Haechan just sobbed and I looked at the other guy with a lump in my throat, nodding towards the motionless body that was Haeri. He got it and pulled the short boy away from me to talk to him in a calmer environment.

 _Only two people out of something like sixty,_ I repeated in my mind as I watched the two boys disappear at the next corner. _But still two precious lives._

 

I took my time with making sure everyone was fine and watched as the badly wounded were carried off to the next hospital. I had often met people like Haechan, had often watched people like Haeri die, but something inside of me had switched back to the original me. The me I had been before the whole army thing occurred. I was affected by it. Not much but it still hurt to see people cry. To stand by and watch as they lost their loved ones.

I didn't want to witness those things. For the time being I just wanted to head home and make sure everyone was alright. After more than an hour spent with tunnel vision I let my mind stray towards the guys back at the other city. The Clan. Monsta X.

Minhyuk.

I wanted to go back, the sudden weird feeling in my chest suffocating me. Jungkook walked past me and I grabbed his arm. “Hey, Kookie. Bring me to that mall again.”

_I want to go home._

Of course Jungkook did as he was told, listening to the only guy who had had a plan for the past few hours, and I was back at the mall's basement in no time, kicking the door open. “What do you need me here for? Make it quick, I want to go-”

“Oh, if that isn't foxy”, Kwangsu growled, slamming his palms on the table as he stood up. “You didn't listen to me and you still have the guts to show up with requests?” He grabbed me by the collar and slammed me against the wall next to the door with pure strength. I remained silent when he struck me with the flat of his hand, feeling my crusty lip pop open again. _Great, it only stopped bleeding half an hour ago, thanks for nothing_.

I licked my lips and raised a brow at Kwangsu. “So, now that you've punished me, how about appreciating my work? Only two out of sixty died, you have hostages that speak Korean and you're still alive. Anything else? Oh, nobody seems to have noticed how incapable you were during this whole thing, I think that should be mentioned-”

“ _Shut up_!”, the older hollered, hauling off again but his punch missed me by a few centimeters as I freed myself and stepped away, hands buried in my pockets. There was no use in fighting my fallen hero. As long as everyone was fine I wouldn't care about him anymore.

I noticed Namjoon standing next to the other not-so-important people in the corner of the room with his arms crossed. He didn't look at me but the ground and I snorted. “Some fools y'all are. I didn't mean to harm anyone's reputation here. But if there's a better way than walking straight into a trap you should take it.” I didn't turn my back on Kwangsu on purpose and kept talking. “Next time you want to pull something like this off I want you to think about things yourself. This is no dictatorship, let's consider everyone's opinions and not follow blindly.”

“Talking big now that your plan worked, huh? You're trying to make them turn away from me, aren't you? I knew you were a fox from the start, deceiving everyone whenever there's a chance to”, Kwangsu started again but I just shook my head.

“My name's Chae Hyungwon and you'd better memorize it. Deception is my specialty, yes. But I'm also in favor of self-initiative. Anything else you want to say? No?” Again I just watched as everyone stared at their feet. “Mark my words and make it better next time. And don't you dare using Haechan again. Children aren't the same as trained forces just because they can crawl through vents.”

Then I left without looking back again. _They're not_ worth _looking back._

 

I found a map lying around at base A and let Yoongi explain me where our city was located, finally finding out where the hell I had lived for the past months. It wasn't all that far from the radio tower. Namjoon had said it took two days but it had only taken us about one and a few hours at a rather slow tempo before. I could make it in a single day if I wanted to, so I grabbed myself some rice and water before heading home at last.

It was around one in the morning when I left and I walked for three more hours before hiding in a dark alley to close my eyes for an hour or two. Nobody found me there, so I continued my walk without any difficulties coming about. It was a boring march but I didn't have any options. The sun rose higher and higher though sometimes hidden behind bigger clouds and I didn't let myself rest again. I was tired, yeah, but I'd rather sleep in my fluffy bed instead of on the streets again.

Plus, I needed to know what had happened to Shownu. If he was alright. I can't explain why but the news of him disappearing had been unsettling from the start, something didn't sit right with me. I kept going and going, my water bottle emptying more with every hour. It was evening by the time I came by another store to restock and another five hours passed.

I jogged several times, fighting my own sleepiness and keeping my eyes on my goal. I'd only sleep after making sure everyone was alright. It was about midnight when I entered our street and unlocked the door with a smile of relief.

Sunday, five past midnight: I came back to Monsta X' house.

I looked around, taking off my shoes before stepping into the living room to find Wonho on the sofa but nobody else. Were they asleep? The blond looked up in surprise, his jaw dropping while he shot up from his seat. He glanced at my wounded lip but didn't address it. “Yo-You're back already!”

I smirked with a nod, fingers curling around the thumb drive containing Chinese information in my pocket. “Couldn't wait to get back. I've got news, but...where's the rest? Shownu was gone when I-” I stopped when I saw Wonho's eyes cloud and stared at him for a few seconds. “Did something happen to him?”

“It's...Now don't freak out, it's all a little bit chaotic. He...He's-” Wonho fumbled with his words for a while, chewing on his lower lip. “Everyone's walked around on their own for the past days. It's...” There was nothing playful about the way he talked or behaved, it definitely was a serious problem.

 _I knew there was something bad about his disappearance._ “Wonho, what happened to Shownu?”

The blond stuttered, licking his lips. “H-He tried to overdose the day before yesterday. He tried to...kill...himself. We're just lucky a nurse found him in time, he'll make it. He's already conscious again, but-” Wonho clenched his hands into fists and swallowed audibly. “But that's not everything. His uncle died three days ago. He only found out when he went to visit and the bed was empty. He...He couldn't take it and...yeah.”

“Overdose? His uncle...Wait, why-” My eyes widened as Wonho rounded the table to put a hand on my shoulder. This couldn't be real. “But the people at the hospital said-”

“-that Changjung would make it for another week, maybe two, nothing else. And it's been almost two weeks now. He was strong but not strong enough.” The blond's eyes were filled with sorrow and I didn't know how to react. I hadn't known Changjung very well, all I knew was how important he was not only to Monsta X but the whole Clan, remembered how I had carried him out of that burning house. It was a sad blow to the system, even sadder to those close to him. Shownu and Minhyuk. My heart skipped a beat, thinking of how horrible it must have been for them to hear the news, Minhyuk also having to deal with Shownu at the same time.

He wouldn't want to burden anyone, most likely keeping for himself, and I grabbed Wonho's wrist. “Bring me to the hospital.”

“It's too late to be visiting, you can go tomorrow. Everything will be fine, you don't need to stress over Shownu right now. You look really tired, I think you should-”

“I'm not only stressing over _Shownu_ ”, I clarified, my grasp tightening. “What about the others? Are Kihyun and Changkyun at the orphanage?”

“Probably.”

“Jooheon?”

“Buries himself in his house if he's not at the hospital.”

I exhaled with my eyes closed. “Minhyuk?”

Wonho let a few moments pass and I had to glare at him to make him talk. “He's been staying at the hospital most of the time, seldom coming home. Sometimes he goes to visit Shownu, sometimes to look at Changjung's dead body. It's like he's broken, not knowing what to do now.”

I didn't want to imagine how Minhyuk would just sit somewhere staring into nothingness without a smile on his face. It was depressing to just see it in my _mind_ and I shook my head to get rid of it. It didn't matter what I wanted to see or not but what had to be done. I didn't know how much I had wanted to see Minhyuk until that moment.“Like I said. Get me to that hospital.”

“Hyungwon-”

“If he's broken I won't go to bed without seeing about Minhyuk!”, I interrupted Wonho with a hiss and he closed his eyes for a while, freeing his wrist from my fingers with a sigh. _I want to see him._

“Alright then, the hospital it is.”

 

I felt like I was on edge again, pacing through the dark streets behind Wonho. Not the same way as back at the radio tower but still on edge. Back there I knew I was capable of turning the tides by putting myself in danger for it, but this here made me anxious because I didn't know how to cope with interpersonal things yet I had to. At that moment, I just _had_ to get to Minhyuk and nothing else mattered. I could relate to what he must have felt. _I want to see him._

Wonho didn't know what to talk about so I told him about what had happened at the other city to kill time. About Kwangsu being an idiot and everybody following him without giving it a second thought. The blond listened, not saying much until I ended my short report. “I saw Minhyuk listen to the radio whenever he was in sight. If your broadcast really got through then he'll have heard it.”

 _He listened?_ I remembered his portable radio from when we had gone to Exo and couldn't stop some kind of warm feeling from spreading in my chest. Throughout this chaos caused by Changjung's death and Shownu's overdose he had still thought about me? It showed how I had actually become a true member of Monsta X and it filled me with something like pride. “How's your little girl doing?”, I changed the topic after clearing my throat, glancing over at Wonho who had his eyes fixed on the road.

“She's fine, I went to visit her yesterday for a while but returned soon as I was worried about the others.”

“So you're restless as well”, I concluded, kicking the gravel with my nose scrunched up. “You can't help either of them so you have to stand by and watch. That's what it sounds like”, I hummed, burying my hands in my pockets and Wonho agreed with a huff.

“I tried everything but, at least for Minhyuk, there was no progress. And if _I_ can't get through to him there's only you left.”

I raised a brow when the hospital finally came into view in the dark. “Me? You think I'll make a difference? This is about Changjung and Shownu. Two people I don't know much about.”

“He's also been waiting for _you_ to come back and you know that”, Wonho retorted with a notion to his voice I wasn't good with. It sounded as though he knew more about me than I did myself and it made me uncomfortable. For some reason his words caused me to think of Minhyuk's hug again right before I had left him that morning and I shivered. _I'll miss you, you know?_ There was so much I needed to talk to him about yet there was always something else getting in the way. _First things first, tell Minhyuk you're back so he's got one person less to worry about. If he actually_ did _worry that is._

“I'll try to get him home for a start”, I mumbled and Wonho gave me a pat on the back with a sad smile.

“I'll be going back then. I guess it's better if it's only you.”

“What, you can't just leave me-” He didn't even listen when he turned around on the spot, leaving me in front of the dimly lit hospital entrance. “-alone with this.”

I pushed the doors to the hospital open with a snort and it took a few seconds until the smell got through to me. It reminded me of the fights I had fought, the injuries that needed to be taken care of. It reminded me of death and I hated it, but I kept looking for Minhyuk though I couldn't spot him anywhere near me. The elderly woman at the front desk shot me a glare when I walked up to her and I resisted the urge to point it out. It wasn't my fault she had to work at this hour. “Excuse me, I'm looking for someone around my age. He has white hair and his name's Minhyuk.”

She made a face and clicked her tongue. “The boy that's been around for ages now? He should be on the second floor”, she groaned, making staying calm a lot harder for me. Did she not understand what that poor soul was going through right now? I bowed my head, pressed my lips together and headed for said floor, finding a person crouching on a wooden chair in a waiting room. His face was buried in his knees he had drawn up but the white hair had me recognize him right away and I sat down on the seat next to his.

He didn't make a sound, the consistent movements of his body indicating that he was asleep and I spent a few seconds with just looking at him. As long as he didn't dream sleep was the only way of fleeing from the sad truth, I knew what he must have felt like. His close friend's uncle had died, a person he too had had a close connection too. Then his close friend had tried to kill himself. Those kinds of things would affect anyone, even those who are used to death.

It was hard on him.

And I wanted to do something to make it better. Anything for him to return to his usual self.

 

________________

 

I hated falling asleep. The thing people call 'dream' is just a reflection of what you thought about throughout a day. And I didn't like dreaming of the things I had thought about – everything happened over and over again like on infinite loop.

_The door opened and Jooheon came in, my eyes widening while I ran towards him. “Oh my God, Jooheon. Where have you been? What's happened? You know, there's this thing that Shownu-”  
“I shouldn't have suggested it”, he muttered under his breath and I stopped in confusion. The next thing I knew was how I stood in front of our bathroom cupboard with five vials in my vision, my fingers curled around a sixth one. _

_Shownu's was missing. “No. No, no,_ no _.” The ground disappeared, replaced by a pit of darkness and I fell down into nothingness with a scream while Jooheon's words lingered in the air._

_I shouldn't have suggested it. I shouldn't have... I shouldn't..._

_Tears were forming in my eyes when the seemingly endless fall stopped. I blinked and glanced around, seeing Shownu in a bed right next to Changjung. There was another person lying at the far back of the room but I couldn't make out who it was and furrowed my brows. Engines were beeping and buzzing, filling the air with the sound of hospitals. I hated those sounds._

_The door to the room was slammed open and a couple of people rolled in a fourth bed, the occupant of which had me gasp with big eyes. “No, anybody but not you as well. Please don't, no-” I held onto the railing of the white bed with horror written all over my face and my teeth started clattering._

“ _No, not you as well...Hyungwon, I didn't-”_

_Another black hole opened, swallowing me at once and I shouted after the three people on the beds before complete silence wrapped around me and I flinched._

I didn't know where I was. _What now,_ I thought, still in shock of how all three, Hyungwon, Changjung and Shownu had been lying next to each other. I had seen this image so many times in my previous dreams but it never failed to have me panic. The place I was at now was just dark and calm except for my head throbbing a little. I took a deep breath, bracing myself for another round of conscience-stricken Jooheon but nothing the like happened and I exhaled again.

Was it over? I opened my eyes, seeing the white hospital floor from the corner of my eye but there was still a big part of my vision covered in black. Soft black. I moved my head a little, confirming my guess with a frown. This wasn't any darkness but some kind of cloth. _What?_ I inhaled again, taking in the smell of sweat and the shower gel we had back at home, mixed with something I couldn't classify. And if I couldn't classify it it could only be Hyungwon.

My portable radio slipped out of my hand and I swallowed when it clattered to the ground causing the darkness around me to move. He had an arm draped around me, pressing me against his chest and a million things shot through my mind at once but my body was faster. I held onto his sides, digging my fingers into them to make sure he was real and wouldn't disappear into thin air.

There were so many things I wanted to say – _Don't let go. I'm sad. You show up only now? My life has been hell. I missed you. When did you come back? I had a bad dream. Your radio speech was beautiful. Is this real? I cried my eyes out yesterday. I'm losing one friend after the other. I'm sorry for invading your space on the day you left. Never leave me on my own again. I can't believe you're here_ – but only three words made it past my mouth.

“You came back.”

I wanted to say more but it was too much for me to handle. I couldn't bring myself to say the rest, it didn't seem to be the right moment to me. So many things to say yet only three words came out. Only three words came out yet there were so many emotions hidden behind them. He breathed in and rested his chin on my head. _How does he do this? He must be suffering with all the physical contact._

“Things must have been hard for you”, Hyungwon's voice whispered softly and shivers went through my whole body, causing me to tighten my grasp on his sides.

“Chang...Changjung didn't make it.”

“I know.” The deep hum caused his chest to vibrate and I resisted the urge to snuggle into him even more. He went out of his way just to comfort me, I couldn't exhaust him even more. It would confuse him and cause him to let go. I felt my heartbeat increase with every second until I feared my chest might explode.

“Shownu...”

Again he hummed. “I know.”

 _He knows, idiot. He wouldn't be here if he didn't._ “But you came back in one piece”, I muttered taking another deep breath to memorize his scent once and for all. _Who knows how often I get the chance to do this in the future._

His breath halted for a second, the result of his heart skipping a beat it seemed as the constant thumping in his chest stopped for the blink of an eye. “I...I promised. Right?”

“Right.” I nodded against his chest before finally coming to my senses and pushing myself away from him.

He looked done. There were dark bags under his eyes, his hair was all messy and the area around his lower lip was sore, even crusty with dried blood. But he was alive, sitting right in front of me. This was much better than him lying on a hospital bed with a pale and bloodless face. And it was all I needed to get out of that horrible dream I had had. Because reality looked slightly different. _Hyungwon isn't dead. Neither is Shownu._

_Only Changjung didn't make it._

_...Hyungwon. Isn't. Dead._

I found my smile again, staring him in the eyes and I knew that smile had to look completely out of place. I saw his eyes cloud as they followed the stains of dried tears that had streamed down my face before I had fallen asleep. Saw how he got stuck on my eyes, red from rubbing my sleeve across them a little bit too often. I swallowed, forcing my smile to stay on my face.

“You bled. Your...Your lip is crusty.”

“And you cried. A lot.” His expression didn't change, showing me a massive amount of pity and my confidence wavered for a second.

“N-Nah, I'm fine”, I retorted with the poor attempt of a chuckle. “I mean, Sh-Shownu is good. You're here as well a-and Chang...Changjung is...” My voice trailed off and I swallowed hard, feeling tears well up in my eyes again but I held them back with full force.

Hyungwon cocked his head to the side while running a hand through his hair. “It's...It's okay to cry about these things. I cried a lot as well. Back when I was...No, I mean, when Sangwon died, for example.” I could tell by the way he interrupted himself that this wasn't what he had originally wanted to say but I wasn't able to ask him about it as the first tear rolled down my cheek, many others following shortly after.

“Great”, I groaned with a smile of disbelief, “There I go again. Crybaby.”

“I told you it's okay”, Hyungwon insisted with his lips pressed together shortly after and I did my best to restrain myself. “Shownu will be fine.”

“I...I know”, I sniffled, rubbing my sleeve across my face before a bitter chuckle emitted yet again. “It's just...Great news to come home to, huh? 'Your gang leader tried to kill himself.' Just wonderful.” I took a few deep breaths and let out a desperate huff. “I'm sorry.”

“What for?” His voice was still only a whisper, barely audible because of my constant sniveling and I swallowed, holding my breath for a moment to calm down by force.

“I...I missed you m-more than I wanted to”, I breathed, not daring to look at him. “It's so good to see you're back, really.”

Hyungwon visibly didn't know how to cope with the situation but it was fine. Everything was fine as long as he was just sitting there, looking at me with all that worry in his eyes. Eyes can show you everything your opponent allows you to see. The fact that he let me see his worry made me feel like he cared about me from the bottom of his heart. And this was more than fine.

He drew his knee up to rest his chin on it, well aware of what he had shown me. “So, what exactly happened? I only know about the aftermath.”

 _I shouldn't have suggested it,_ Jooheon's voice echoed in my mind again and I swallowed. “It was Jooheon's plan. He couldn't know it would end this way. He...He just wanted everybody to get better.” I grabbed a handful of my sweatshirt, digging my fingers into the fabric. “They robbed a bank to get the money for Changjung's surgery.”

Hyungwon inhaled sharply but remained silent, causing me to let out a dry laugh. “They were successful. Jooheon brought a gun and they went to a bank a bit further away. Once they had the money they wanted they split up and Shownu ran ahead to the hospital, which is why Jooheon lost sight of him.” I took a rattling breath and licked my lips. “They even took their vials with them in case they'd be dragged to prison, those bastards. When Jooheon reached the hospital about half an hour after Shownu...”

“-he found him lifeless with too much Delphinium in his blood.”

I clenched my teeth, leaning my head against the wall with a clunk. “Yeah, a nurse had found him shortly before. And his journey isn't over yet. They did what they could and pumped as much of the drug out of his system as possible but, you know, when you check into a hospital they need to know who you are.”

I glanced at Hyungwon whose eyes were shaking as he processed all the information he was given. He squinted. “I don't know what you're-”

“Think of what Shownu did mere hours before he was found”, I explained bitterly, fighting the lump in my throat. “He is nothing but a robber at the moment. A robber with no family members left except for a bunch of pretentious young adults. Some officers were here and talked to me, Hyungwon. Said they had camera footage of him at the bank. He will probably be arrested once he's fit enough to stand on his own two feet again. I didn't tell him yet.”

The sore skin of my cheeks burned when a fresh set of tears rolled down my face yet again. It just wasn't fair. Shownu and Jooheon had both done everything they could to save Changjung only to end up with nothing but a jail sentence. None of this would have happened if the hospital had just let us pay _after_ the surgery but no. That kind of trust didn't exist in this world anymore.

Hyungwon's expression was telling me he was working on something in his mind, busy connecting things to one another. “It won't last long”, he whispered with a surprised notion to his voice, causing me to cock my head to the side.

“Excuse me?”

“He won't be in prison for long”, he clarified, turning towards me with a certainty and confidence in his eyes I desperately was in need for. “The war is only days away from us now, I heard news about it. We could get Shownu out of his cell and flee to hide somewhere safe when the moment is right.” He scowled at my tears, placed a hand on the back of my head and pulled me closer to press me against his chest like before.

His voice was incredibly soft, his touch far too gentle. I couldn't quite believe what feelings his unusual behavior triggered in me. I wanted more of that, just wished for him to hide me from the world forever. “I can easily get him out. Don't think too much about what's coming next. I'll handle it if it's too hard for you guys. For now, important is that Shownu survived, okay? Nothing else matters.”

I allowed myself to snuggle into his embrace this time, drying my tears on his shirt. “Shownu survived.”

He hummed. “It's all that matters.”

I shook my head and held onto his sides again. “You came back. That matters at least just as much.”

He swallowed hard and held his breath for a few seconds before resting his chin on my head like before. “I'm sorry for leaving without another word. Everything...Everything was too much.”

Blood rushed up into my face when I thought of that morning. How I had hugged him from behind and told him I'd miss him. How he had practically jumped away from me, rushing down the stairs without even as much as looking back. How I had called myself an idiot countless times until the return of Jooheon had distracted me from my trivial problems. “It's okay-”

“Don't say it's okay”, he interrupted me through clenched teeth. “I've got things to talk to you about but not here. How long have you slept in the past days?”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment. “A few hours every now and then.”

“Then we should get you to your bed.”

“But Shownu-”

“Has slept more than you and will be fine. We'll come back in the morning, okay? Come on, rise.” He stood up, gently removing my hands from his sides and pulling me to my feet next to him. “It's a lot to ask of you but don't think about what happened”, he whispered, staring at something only he could see. “It's better to let memories be memories. I'm the perfect example of what happens if you don't. Don't be like me.”

I heard the self-hatred in his voice, saw the way his nose scrunched up in disgust and pressed my lips together to keep quiet, lowering my gaze to our linked hands instead. His was so pale that all the veins were clearly visible under his skin and I resisted the urge to trace them with my finger. He was fascinating me in so many different ways.

Hyungwon only snapped back into reality when I let go of his hands thinking he would be uncomfortable with any more contact. “Don't-” I swallowed, burying myself in my jacket as I started walking. “Don't leave again.”

He stood still for another two or three seconds, falling behind until he finally found the control over his body again, pacing after me. We remained silent until we were past the hospital doors, leaving a really grumpy nurse behind. I thought I was hallucinating when slender fingers weaved through mine to get a hold of my hand but the warmth couldn't be a product of my imagination. Goosebumps formed on my skin when I stared at Hyungwon in shock.

“I thought maybe you'd need something to hold on to”, he muttered, not daring to look at me.

I chewed on the inside of my cheek, unable to control the weird jittery feeling in my gut. This wasn't the time to be all giddy with people dying or attempting to do so around me but I just couldn't ignore it. “Thank you for doing this”, I whispered, squeezing his hand a little and he just let out a tense hum, still not looking at me. “I know it must hurt.”

“We're all hurting, Minhyuk. It's alright.”

I nodded, disbelieving of the fact that I was holding Chae fucking Hyungwon's hand on his own accord. If it was just this I didn't need anything else. Just that feeling of his hand molding against mine. Too bad holding hands doesn't keep the bad things away from you.

I let out a quiet sigh. _You're right, we're all hurting_.

 


	23. Comfort can heal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a flashback in here that contains mention of abuse (in literally every sense) so proceed with caution.

 

It felt like something had changed between the two of us during the couple of days we had spent apart from each other. I had grown so used to Minhyuk being around, clinging and talking to me without even noticing it. It was only when he had woken up in that hospital, unable to keep his hands away from me, that I finally realized how dear he had grown to me. How he had overcome every wall I had built for myself. You don't know how much you like something until you get separated.

I wanted to curse at myself for letting this happen as we made our way through dark streets and alleys with our fingers intertwined. Sometimes it stung like a thousand needles, sending shivers up and down my spine but I couldn't let go or else he might have fallen apart again. This was beyond bad for my mental health, I couldn't believe I had actually given in to Minhyuk being whiny and weak for once. He was just so much like me, the way I had been back when Sangwon died. Cold fronts weren't allowed during such times, it was no longer joking around with someone's fears. Because I knew what it all felt like.

We opened the door to our house and Wonho's steps were heard upstairs. “Hyungwon, did you- oh.” He stopped himself when he spotted Minhyuk and rushed down the stairs to pull him into a hug so tight I was afraid it might crush bones. “Thank God you're back.”

Minhyuk stood frozen for a moment before hesitantly letting go of my hand and wrapping his arms around the other's shoulders. Wonho buried his face in the crook of Minhyuk's neck and just stood there for a few seconds. “I...I'm sorry for worrying you. I was in shock”, the younger of the two whispered into his hair, tightening the hug. “I'll try to think positive. Sorry again.”

“Don't you dare going mute again, I can't stand it”, Wonho replied with a slight pout. Their tight embrace had something so loving to it that it felt wrong of me to watch so I averted my eyes with a bitter taste in my mouth.

“I'll go change then, uhm... It was a long day”, I mumbled, fleeing into my room and leaning my back against the closed door. I ran my fingers across my hand where Minhyuk had touched it and closed my eyes. Our relation had taken a drastic turn; suddenly _I_ was the one wanting to go and talk to him. _I_ was the one who wanted to tell him everything would be fine but I simply _couldn't_. The amount of physical contact we had shared at the hospital was horrific, it caused my heart to skip a beat at the mere thought of it.

I switched on the small lamp on my desk before pulling my shirt over my head and glancing at the tattoo on my side with a snort. I'd still have to tell him. About a lot of things. _One thing at a time_. I grabbed a new set of clothes and was just about to go to bed when I heard a soft knock. It was almost two at night, why would anyone still- “Hyungwon?” -knock at this hour?

I swallowed, pulling at my hair in frustration before opening the door to reveal Minhyuk. “What is it?”

He clawed at the hem of the wide t-shirt he had changed into. “Can I stay over? I can also l-lie next to the bed or sit or something.”

I couldn't bring myself to stop staring at him, was too tired to think about what was best. “Stay over? Uh, I...Sure, I guess.” I furrowed my brows, trying to think of a reason for his request but it was weird. He had had Wonho waiting for him all this time – I was even surprised at how Minhyuk had managed to get out of that monster hug. He needed to be comforted but I wasn't the best to do so, didn't he see that? I closed the door with a quiet click while thoughtlessly grabbing his pale arm with my free hand.

Minhyuk glanced at me, frowning as well. “What is it? You'd rather I didn't? Just say so and I'll try sleeping on my own.”

“I-”, I started without much intellect to my voice and swallowed. “I can't comfort you.”

The words echoed in the room that was otherwise filled with silence as we kept looking at each other without a word. Minhyuk cocked his head to the side with a serious expression – a rarely seen phenomenon. “You- What do you mean?”

“I can't comfort you”, I repeated. “And that's what you need right now.”

Minhyuk had his lips slightly parted but no words came out until he blinked and shook his head. “I- you don't, I mean, I didn't think- uh...” He reached out for my hand and I quickly let go of him as though any contact he initiated would burn me. A hint of panic rushed over his face. “I just don't want to be alone. I've been for three days.”

He took a step towards me, I took one back. “You have Wonho. He'd be more than glad to be there for you. He felt quite helpless, you know?”

“But he isn't-” Our eyes were fixed on one another and I had to swallow once more. He didn't finish that sentence and my tired brain took the first word it could think of to complete it. _But he isn't you._

Minhyuk cleared his throat, pressing his lips together and I finally averted my eyes with a sigh. “I'm not good with words.”

“You don't need to talk. Just be there.”

I could hear the blood rushing in my ears when my heartbeat accelerated. _He understands. Did you hear that, it sounds like he understands!_ The direction this was headed was one of my greatest fears. I didn't want it to go there but didn't want to stop it either so I just put up warning signs one after the other. My voice turned into a quiet whisper as my throat went dry. “I can't hold you like Wonho did. Can't hold you close.”

“Then don't.” I suppressed a yawn but Minhyuk saw it anyway and pointed at my bed. “Whatever, just sleep. We'll talk tomorrow.”

“But I told you I can't comf-”

“I'm not asking you to comfort me, Hyungwon. I'm asking you to be next to me so I can be sure you're alive. I was scared for you, was afraid you wouldn't come back even after your radio speech, okay? I was anxious all this time, had nightmares containing you and Shownu and Changjung and it was all so real, I-I couldn't... Damn, I don't want you to _do_ anything I just want-” He stopped and searched for the right words before letting out a sound of despair. “Just want you near me so that I can finally rest.”

“N-near-” I swallowed and fell silent, looking at my feet. Those words were new. Nobody had ever said that before. That they wanted me near them. Not Sangwon. Not Yi-en. No more words that had me think back at the times I had spent with those two. Only Minhyuk. _I just want you near me._ I closed my eyes and breathed out. _You're not ready for this, Hyungwon. You'll never be._ I shuffled over to my desk and turned off the lamp before making my way to my bed, fully aware of Minhyuk's piercing gaze. I straightened my back with a snort. “Why shut him out if I'll never be ready anyway?”

“W-what did you say?”, the white-haired asked but I shook my head, lying down and snuggling into my blanket.

“Just come here and sleep.”

I could tell he was confused, didn't know what I was thinking at all, but he only hesitated for a moment until he walked up to me. “And you're really sure?”

“You were the one asking. Now take it or leave”, I groaned, already half-asleep with all the softness tempting me to give in to sleep. I felt the mattress dip when he sat down on the edge, then lay down with his face turned towards me. He was still as far away from me as possible but I could tell his body relaxed when he let out a quiet sigh. I closed my eyes. _Ready or not._ “Good night, Minhyuk.”

“It might actually be for once.”

 

________________

 

I knew Hyungwon had his reasons to act the way he did but that didn't stop me from being touched. I know, I know, _what did he do to have you feel touched, he avoided you?!_ Well, yes, but think about his choice of words.

First, he let me stay though he could easily have told me to go back to my own room. Then he had told me about the things he couldn't do. No big thing unless you heard that hint in his voice. Regret. He sounded as though he was regretting what he couldn't do, tried to persuade me to go to Wonho. But I knew he didn't like that idea all that much himself. They had reconciled but that didn't mean Wonho was harmless to him. Still he was the one Hyungwon considered fit for comforting me.

_I'm not good with words. I can't hold you close._

I could tell by the way he shied away from my touch, even the way his hand twitched on our way home every now and then that he still didn't like physical contact but he tried to cope with it. For me to feel better. For me. So when he had tried to change my mind, tried to get me out of this mess I didn't know what else to say but what I did.  _I just want you near me._ Gosh, I must have sounded so desperate.

But it worked. And that's how I slept in Hyungwon's bed for another night, right next to him.

Three words is what you want to hear from me, right? Well, I didn't believe this was it then. Didn't think too much about those little gestures of trust or comfort we exchanged. Or maybe I just didn't let myself think about them that way. I knew Hyungwon was living in a past I couldn't understand and I was afraid of hurting him rather than being helpful. It was simply too complicated to put into words.

 

Another morning came and the room got brighter. I let out a yawn and opened my eyes a little to see Hyungwon just the way he had been before I had fallen asleep. It had something familiar to it, something homely and calming.

I scoffed. “What a strange chemistry we have.”

Usually I would stand up and make breakfast or something but not today. This time I kept lying there in silence, waiting for him to wake up. I still couldn't believe he had come back in one piece, it filled me with relief. At least _he_ was alright. 

My eyes fell on his crusty lip and I started wondering what exactly had happened at that radio tower. I had expected him to come back with cuts or bullet wounds all over his body,  _if_ he came back in the first place, but I couldn't detect anything apart from the lip and slightly sore knuckles. Had it been this easy or had he been this good? Both options had me frown and I closed my eyes for a while. I could just ask him once he woke up.

I didn't exactly know how much time passed until I opened my eyes again but instead of a sleeping Hyungwon I only saw his eyes staring straight into mine. He was awake. I flinched and swallowed to process that he had been looking at me with a weird glint to his eyes I couldn't classify and I cleared my throat. “What time is it?”

He raised his head to look past the window but ended up glancing at his watch shortly after. “Eleven thirty”, he mumbled as a grin broke out on my face before he lay down again. He frowned. “What is it?”

“You-”, I managed to say before interrupting myself to suppress a giggle.

“Me?”

“Your hair is pure chaos.” I don't know why it struck me so much but it was true. His hair was sticking into every direction possible, it looked like a bird's nest, but Hyungwon had none of that and just snorted.

“You're in no position to talk”, he mumbled, shoving me so that I fell out of his bed with a high-pitched scream. “So childish.”

“Excuse you, _I_ didn't shove you because I was _sulking_ ”, I groaned, running a hand through my hair with a pout. “Party pooper.” He snorted and I stretched my limbs during the short silence that followed. “Let's go eat.”

Hyungwon curled up, pulling the blanket closer to his body. “Five more minutes.”

“You're really pulling that on me? Wow, I can't believe it. Stand up or no breakfast for you.”

“Is that a test?”

“It's a warning.”

“Ha.” Did I actually hear an amused huff there?

A smirk tugged at the corner of my mouth and I kicked the foot of his bed while burying my hands in my pockets. “I'm making scrambled eggs with rice. Want some?”

He sighed. “Tempting. I'll be there in five minutes.”

“Five minutes”, I repeated with a roll of my eyes. “You'd better be or I'll eat it all on my own.”

“As if you would-”

“Is that a test?”

“It's a warning.”

“You don't scare me”, I simply replied before walking past the door in a good mood. I liked playing around like this, it had me forget about my depressing thoughts for a moment. I enjoyed having reached this level with him who simply wouldn't let go of his indifferent expression when we first met.

Hyungwon stayed true to his word and entered the kitchen exactly five minutes after I had left him in his room. I shot him a look to which he only raised a brow as if to say something like 'told you so'. That guy and his moods, seriously.

Silence spread and we somehow avoided looking at each other while eating until Hyungwon spoke up again. “I'm going to visit Shownu today.”

My chopsticks stilled for a moment and I swallowed. “Sure, I'll come along if I may.”

“Will you be alright?”

I raised my gaze in surprise, needing a moment to process his question. “Of course”, I mumbled, mustering up a reassuring smile. “I was caught in nightmare scenarios but I'm fine now. You have returned, it's proof of the fact that they really only were scenarios.”

He kept looking at me with his lips pressed together for another few seconds but then sighed and went back to eating. “That's good. If this is all it took. Oh, and I'm going to see Jooheon if I don't see him at the hospital. Wonho told me he's locking up in his house and we can't use this kind of dysfunctional gang right now.”

“Jooheon? You-” I dug my teeth into my lower lip to stop. It might have hurt him. _You actually care about him?_ No, I couldn't say that. “I don't know if you'll get into his house. I didn't get in to this day.”

“I'll manage, I have to try at the very least”, Hyungwon insisted, finishing breakfast shortly after.

I admired his persistence. It was as though once he set himself a goal he could achieve it, no matter how impossible it seemed. I figured this was something life had taught him over time: you won't get anywhere if you doubt your own skills. Then why did he not seem to get how great of a speaker he was? Or how his simple presence could calm someone down? It felt like he just didn't want to admit these things, like something was holding him back.

_I've got things to talk to you about_ , he had said at the hospital and I nodded to myself while cleaning my plate and fork.  _You definitely do, Hyungwon._

 

________________

 

Minhyuk was doing his best to joke around and chatter away as we walked to the hospital but there was a hint of tenseness to his words every now and then. He was still worried about Shownu and I couldn't blame him all that much. Monsta X' leader had been saved in time, his body was fine without question, but I can't say I wasn't concerned about his state of mind. Maybe it was best for him to get locked up for a while, like the police had announced.

I turned around once we reached Shownu's room and wanted to say something but Minhyuk cut me off with one look. “I'm not going to stay out here, I'm fine, okay? Don't look at me like that, I know I can handle this by now.” _By now._

I sighed and pushed the door open without a word. Machines were buzzing, measuring all kinds of things through thin tubes and sensors that were connected to Shownu's body and I walked up to his bed, leaving Minhyuk at the door. The oldest Monsta X member looked a little bit pale but nothing else and I sat down after grabbing myself a chair.

Shownu opened his eyes at the noise and squinted with a yawn. “Hyungwon?” I nodded and he smiled weakly. “So you came back.”

“You knew I was gone?”

He closed his eyes with a sigh. “Minhyuk somewhat told me in between all the tears and curses he threw at me. Saying things like, 'it's enough if I have to worry about _one_ of you, you bastard' or what a selfish ass I've been or-”

“You're still- I apologized already, okay?”, Minhyuk stated from the back with guilt in his voice. “It was too much at once and I-”

“Yeah, you apologized countless times”, Shownu replied as a matter of fact, a slight frown on his face when he turned his head towards Minhyuk. “You look a lot better than yesterday.”

“Well I'm not the one tied to a hospital bed because I tried to kill myself.”

“I-” Shownu stopped when he didn't find any words to explain himself and I glanced back at Minhyuk who looked conscience stricken and angry at the same time. Our gazes crossed and I chewed on the inside of my cheek for a moment.

“Minhyuk, can't you go out for a moment?” His eyes widened just before he looked at the ground for a few seconds. “Just for a moment.” His jaw tensed and I was about to take it back and let him stay when he stepped out in a hurry. I had things to tell Shownu and I didn't want Minhyuk to hear us talk about suicide due to his sensitive reactions concerning the topic.

I ran a hand over my face with a sigh and Shownu's frown deepened. “How did you stop his tears? He's furious beyond words, he cried in front of me for hours only until yesterday.”

“He's worried as fuck. That's all. His intense reaction to everything you say is somewhat understandable but it's still...weird.”

Shownu turned his head away and took a deep breath. “It might be repressed memories of something else, I wouldn't know.”

Memories. Of course. I knew Minhyuk's mother had jumped from a building, maybe it was subconsciously messing with him. I wanted to ask Shownu what he knew about that matter but it wasn't nice asking a suicidal person about others first, so I swallowed my curiosity and fell back into my own memories instead. “It seemed legitimate, right? Overdosing.”

It would have been completely silent if it hadn't been for all the weird noises coming from the machines. Shownu winced due to some thought of his and clenched his teeth. “How would you understand?”

“I don't know why you and your uncle were this close and don't know what happened with your parents”, I deadpanned with a shrug before leaning back on my chair. “But I do know what losing the person that's the most important to you is like. I do know the pain. And I do know that I thought somewhat similar to you at first.”

He pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. “It hurts to death. Then why not give up on life?”

I nodded, drawing my knees up to my chest and resting my chin on them. “It's this thought that keeps resulting in suicide. Try thinking a bit differently. You lost something important. Many people will lose what they treasure in the future as well. Then why not help them keep it by eliminating the causes? Why not go after the bad guys? Hatred. Revenge. That's what kept me alive for years to be very honest.”

“The bad guys? Ha”, Shownu snorted, rolling with his eyes. “You told me about the war and I know you want me to join your fight, you don't hide your intentions well enough to make me believe this works.”

“I'm serious though”, I retorted, eyes fixed on his face with my fists clenched. “I mean it when I say that everything but sadness keeps you going. There's so many different ways of dealing with pain but sadness is the only dead end. Literally. You're trying to quit but, you know, the funny thing with quitting is it's always too soon for it. Especially when you're surrounded by people who care about you. You lost one, an important one at that, but you should have a look at Monsta X for once. You may also hate me for being the reason why everything started going downhill in the first place but think about the others. I...That's all I wanted to say.”

“A dead end...You're just so- Damn, I don't even have words for what you are”, Shownu muttered and a grin played around the corners of my lips when he started thinking about my words. This was all I could do for now, so I stood up again and left as quick as I had come. _As always._

_One down, one more to go_ , I thought when I stepped out of Shownu's room into the long hospital corridor. I had just wanted to tell him what was on my mind and I did, there was no reason for me to stay. Next I'd go to Jooheon's place to get him out of his misery.

After being confronted with Minhyuk that is.

I buried my hands in my pockets and slowly walked up to him who was staring out of the window with narrowed eyes. “I'm done here”, I stated, causing him to take a deep breath.

“I don't want to get mad. I don't want to cry anymore but-”, his hands clenched into fists as he snorted, “I just can't help getting angry. His choices don't make sense to me and it feels like I should remember something I don't a-and...” I looked into his helpless eyes as he tried to express himself and felt my theory confirmed. His mind was trying to remind him of his mother but it couldn't and it drove him insane.

“There's nothing you need to know. It's normal to get angry but focus on what's positive: Shownu is alive and will be well again. As long as you and the others will be there to catch him he won't try to, you know, he won't do it again.”

Minhyuk turned his head to stare at the door behind which Shownu was lying. “I'd always catch my friends.”

“Then try not to get angry anymore.”

His eyes clouded for a while until he glanced over without really looking at me, pushing himself away from the window. “Were you the same as him? Back when Sangwon died?” I stiffened and clenched me teeth just long enough for him to notice and he sighed. “I see how it is. But how come you're still here?”

“I had things to take care of. Had people to get back at for what they had done. Your mindset is different when you're always confronted with death – when you're death itself”, I whispered, slowly walking down the corridor with Minhyuk right behind me. “Though I certainly did think about taking my own life. In the end I can't really explain it.”

We fell silent for a while until his fingers curled around my jacket's sleeve and I suppressed a sigh. “Do you need my hand again?”

He shook his head. “No need. This...This is enough. Thank you.”

I considered going to Jooheon's house straight away but figured that Minhyuk wouldn't be of much use and decided to bring him home first. He looked confused when I stayed outside and opened his mouth but I just removed his hand from my sleeve. “I'll go to Jooheon and you'll stay here. I will be back in no time, you won't worry about a thing and everything will be fine, alright?”

He stared at me with a crestfallen expression, his lower lip trembling a little. “You'll go alone?”

“I know how to get people out of their guilty feelings. You won't have to do a thing anyway.”

Minhyuk kept standing there for a little longer, one hand on the doorknob and the other dangling by his side. His expression relaxed a little and he nodded with resignation on his face. “I'll be waiting.”

I returned the nod and formed a little smile before turning around and heading towards Jooheon's mansion.

_He'll be waiting._

 

________________

 

It was early in the afternoon when Hyungwon returned after about an hour. I had been sitting on the sofa staring at nothing in particular until his voice brought me back to my senses. “He's fine. Just has a bad conscience. Nothing that would kill a bullhead like him.”

I let out a snort, rising to my feet. _Bullhead._ “That's good to hear, I guess. You got in?”

“All it took were confidence and a few convincing lies.”

“You sound like a professional”, I snorted with a grin, unaware of how he froze. ”Want some food, I still- ah-”

We almost ran into each other at the door and I jumped back, careful not to touch him. This was one of the things I had thought about for the past hour. Hyungwon had allowed many things for a while, I didn't want to annoy him by staying too close. I had gotten out of my trance and – thinking back to how I had clung to him at the hospital the day before – I thought my own behavior to be ridiculous. I didn't know how much Hyungwon could take until he'd close up again, so I kept my distance. “Uh, y-yeah, food sounds good. You haven't eaten yet?”, he asked carefully and I shrugged heading for the kitchen.

“I don't like eating alone.”

“You- alright.” Hyungwon sighed and casually leaned against the door frame. “What do you want to eat? We don't have all that much in our fridge.”

“Are you against rice and meat?”

“Food is food.”

“Rice and meat it is then.” I took out the ingredients and started chopping our meat into neat stripes. Hyungwon remained silent but I knew he was staring at me the whole time. Why? Who knows? The lid of the rice pot started clattering and I reached out for it to make sure the water didn't boil over when a slender hand got in my way, intending to do the same. My eyes darted to Hyungwon, lightly brushing his skin before jerking away.

He hesitated but then continued to lift the lid and put it aside while I cleared my throat going back to putting the meat into a frying pan with sizzling sounds. “Y-you surprised me.”

Hyungwon only pressed his lips together and took a deep breath, eyes on me again. Deafening silence filled the air and remained even when we went over to the living room. I sat across from him and at some point my foot collided with his under the table causing me to freeze.

“I'm sorry, really”, I whispered, sitting up straight but I saw his fists clench before he put his chopsticks down.

“I don't like this.”

I stilled, looking at his crusty lip as I couldn't look him in the eye for some reason. “What do you mean?”

“You weren't afraid of clinging to me before, so why am _I_ the normal one now?”

“I- huh?” My eyes widened as I tried to find the reply he wanted to hear but still didn't know what to say.

“Since when do you apologize for every tiny little thing?”, he clarified himself, leaning back on the chair.

_Of course he'd notice_ , I scolded myself with a sigh. There was no way I could be a convincing actor in front of Hyungwon, he'd always see right through me. “I feel like I'm burdening you with my problems because I can't keep them for myself”, I mumbled, “I-I was a wreck yesterday, invaded your space and everything, and I...feel bad for not even thinking about what you might think about that, so just don't mind me and do whatever.”

Another silence spread during which I had my eyes closed, listening to his breathing falling out of it's rhythm, halting, then continuing like before.  _In the end I seem to burden him more by not saying a thing._

“I think I should tell you.”

His voice was quiet, barely a whisper, and I opened my eyes again to find him staring at me deep in thought. “Tell me what?”

Hyungwon's jaw tensed and he put his hands around his bowl of rice, not knowing what else to do with them. “I'll tell you why I'm such a chicken. It's a slightly, no, a _very_ sensitive topic but I need you to understand what I've been through. I...” He sighed in resignation. “You don't need to feel bad. Don't apologize. Even if you're sorry don't change your behavior. It's not good; it makes me worry you might be bottling up too much. And I've been there, I know what it feels like.”

_Makes me worry,_ I repeated in my head and lowered my gaze on my food again. “I thought it m-might help but okay. A-And you don't need to tell me anything if it's a problem-”

“I wanted to tell you before; things just got out of hand with Shownu and everything, so...yeah. You've been putting up with me for some time now and I feel the need to tell you. It's strange but I don't want you to think everything you do is wrong.” He didn't know where to look, eventually focusing on some point at the wall behind me. “I don't know if I can pull this off but brace yourself for a long story and listen. Will you do that?”

I swallowed and let his words sink in. This would mean I would get to see Hyungwon in his most vulnerable state, he had turned nervous just by thinking of what he wanted to say and it was scary as hell. I took a deep breath to raise my head and smile at him. If he was this insecure it had to be important. “You know I'll always be listening if there's something you want to say.”

He swallowed, showing me the nervousness in his eyes when he tried to smile back. “Always. Right. So, here I go, uhm...It started about four years ago.”

 

________________

 

“ _Chae Hyungwon”, the old hag called out and I stepped forward with my lips pressed together and eyes lowered to the ground. “Eighteen years old, only child-”_

“ _Ma'am, I do have a brother. He passed away only-”_

“ _You don't have the right to speak!”, she hollered, having my teeth clatter with fear – even the other guys standing in line behind me gasped in shock. This was scary. This was cruel. I had been joking around with Sangwon just one week earlier, had tried to cheer him up, even told him we'd go visit Mum and Dad soon, and now- What was this even? The world had become darker and scarier than before. I was alone. Wasn't given a choice when they said they'd put me into a new group now that the old one had dissolved._ Dissolved, yeah right, _I spat in my head, not daring to even mumble to myself._

_The old hag kept talking about who I was, what kinds of jobs I had had and what my specialties were according to the scary-ass instructor that couldn't do anything but yell at us twenty-four seven. I raised my head when she concluded her description. “-is moved to section 041.” Whatever kind of section this was I knew it would only get worse from now on. Sangwon was dead, there was nothing holding me in this world anymore. Oh, wait, no, there was that one thing:_

_Fear._

_I was afraid the afterlife – if there actually is such thing – would be even worse than this. Dad had told us a lot about hell and how its flames consumed everybody in a way it felt like you were dying over and over again without being able to make it stop. If it really was like that I'd prefer this life. I could stop my suffering here if I was just good enough. I wasn't then but everybody has to start at some point, right? And this mixture of fear, hatred and hopelessness was exactly what kept me going._

_I was introduced to my new instructor and general later that day, a tall and burly man with a really loud voice that made me want to cover my ears. I got there with a few new guys who were just as scared of him as I was but I tried to stand tall even when he yelled at me._

_The first week of training passed, causing the second week without Sangwon to come to an end. I glanced at the watch that had once decorated my little brother's wrist and swallowed. I remember this well for some reason. Three, two, one_ ...exactly two weeks since his death.  _They had taken him to the basement after we had come back from our failed mission. Instead of retrieving the weapons we had to blow them up altogether because Sangwon was caught while trying to warn me of a guard._

_The basement was hell inside hell on earth. Complicated, right? I guess you'd understand if you were there. They had kicked him, punched him and left him lying on the ground after they were satisfied with their bleeding masterpiece. Usually the basement was used for extra hard training as punishment only but back when Sangwon had been dragged down there things seemed to be somewhat out of order. They didn't train him but tortured and hurt him to the point where he couldn't even move anymore. I wanted to go to him but they held me back._

_All I could do was watch as his body went limp, his screams turning into coughs; coughs turning into wheezes; wheezes turning into nothing but pitiful winces every now and then. And then they were done, letting me rush towards my brother with tears streaming down my face, my throat sore from screaming at the bystanders. There was no time to bring him to the infirmary, he died from internal bleeding in less than five minutes. There was no time to say good bye, he had other things to tell me._

Become a hero, _I recalled with a snort, letting myself fall onto my uncomfortable bed while my muscles hurt to death._ If only it were that easy. _I hadn't even really talked for two whole weeks except for the rare occasions where the general would order me to answer short questions of no importance. I was afraid of him, he was intimidating with his loud voice and tight grip, I felt my teeth clatter every time he stopped to stare at me with a weird look in his eyes._

_How disgusting and heartless this world was. It really did seem like a true hell after all._

 

_The day of our first practice mission came and that's when the realization sank in: we were going to be assassins. I got nauseous just thinking about it. As if I could ever kill a person one on one, especially not after having witnessed the death of my own brother. No, I thought I would never be able to kill a person, but let's be honest, who thinks they can?_

_It came the way it had to: I failed the mission and was transported straight to our instructor, facing him all alone._

_I didn't know what to do and just stood in that office room, swallowing hard as the man walked up and down in front of me. “I'm sorry. I won't make this mistake twi-”, I tried for the second time but he cut me off with a wave of his hand._

“ _You know, it's been a long time since scum looking like you stood in my office to be punished. I've been watching you for some time now but I never thought you'd be_ this _bad.”_

_I shook my head between two rattling breaths, eyes wide as the huge man walked up to me. “I d-didn't mean to, s-sir! I won't do it a-again”, I stuttered when he pushed me back against the next wall._

“ _You know how it goes. You get punished if you don't come after our wishes. Our_ orders _. But I'm not a fan of our usual military punishments, I might not send you to the basement today.”_

The basement. _Images of Sangwon's bleeding body and the feeling of his energy gradually fading flooded my mind in an instant, paired with relief. I wouldn't have to go there that day. “Sir, thank you, I-”_

_I didn't get to finish that sentence as he grabbed me by the hair and pulled it back, having me hiss and bite back tears. “So I'll just punish you my own way and this stupid little mistake will be forgotten. Nothing on your record and no other consequences, what do you say? Me or the basement?” He leaned closer with a smirk on his lips, his breath ghosting over my skin and I couldn't control my shivers any longer, trembling in his grasp. “Choose wisely.”_

Not the basement. Anything but the basement. _“I-I-” I took a rattling breath, turning my head away from him with a pant._

“ _I can't hear you!”_

Anything but the basement. _“I ch-choose you.”_

_My erratic breaths filled the air and I saw that weird and scary glint appear in his eyes again, unable to keep my teeth from clattering any longer._ What will happen now? _His face twisted into an ugly expression of glee when he pushed me to the ground, my knees colliding with the floor and I stared up at him with widened eyes._

“ _Then you'd better start begging for me to go easy on you.”_

 

________________

 

Hyungwon's eyes darted around as though he was witnessing the whole scene once again. He looked scared to death. I pressed my lips together, reaching out for his hand but he ripped it away with a gasp, shaking his head. “D-don't touch me. I...I can't take this.”

I swallowed, quickly pushing the rest of our food aside to make sure nothing but the table was between me and Hyungwon. He was a mess. He was having something close to a panic attack with his memories being revived. At least he could still talk. “You don't have to-”

“I _do_ have to. For you and for myself”, he hissed and the look in his eyes had my heart clench. “Nothing ever stops just because you can't take it.”

He was already lost in his own memories, the only way out was forward. I closed my eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. _Alright, let's get to know Hyungwon._ “What happened then?”

He huffed. “I should have listened when the other soldiers had been gossiping about him. That man was needy. A horny psycho. He was a regular at the nearby brothel, a sick one at that, and I should have known.” A helpless sneer, scared eyes, a rough voice thick with hatred and suppressed tears. “You don't want to know about all the details. You can guess what happened.”

I chewed on my bottom lip and exhaled, trying to meet his eyes but he didn't let me. “Tell me whatever you want to. Whatever you need to to feel better. I'm listening and I won't comment on anything. I'm here to listen and to listen only.”

His hands were trembling, I could see it even when he tried to hide it by holding on to his shirt. He blinked rapidly, biting back tears with all his might. Chae Hyungwon tried to keep going. This Chae Hyungwon had become a fighter.

 

________________

 

_It was pain. I didn't know there were so many sides to hell. All of them were painful but this was something I had never expected. It was only when I was pulled to my feet again that I realized what the glint in that psycho's eyes had been. Lust._

_I was shoved against walls, was stripped down to, well, kind of nothing, was held in an iron grasp, slapped and tortured. I wasn't given any time to breathe, literally. If I had known how this would end I would rather have died down in the basement._

_Rape was my punishment and the price for his silence._ Nothing on your record and no other consequences.  _This wasn't worth it._

_He touched me everywhere and I do mean_ every _where, grinning whenever I screamed at him to stop, forcing me to face him so that he could watch the tears stream down my face. It didn't matter with how much force I thrashed around – he was stronger than me anyway – but I didn't want to give in._

_I cursed at myself, cursed at him as well, but nothing made him stop and I eventually heard my own moans mix with the screams. His loathsome doings were disgusting and gross but some part of my brain didn't seem to get it, reacting to the weird sensations surging through my whole body. I was disgusted by my own reactions because I couldn't control them the slightest. It was all up to that guy. I was completely and utterly at his mercy._

_But he didn't have mercy on me._

_I don't know how long I was with him, how long he tortured me. Every second felt ten times longer. Every breath I took hurt to death. Nobody came to my rescue. There was nobody left to rescue me._

_I just wanted to die._

_I was lying on the ground, lifeless, as he pulled my shirt over my head, put on my entire uniform with a satisfied smirk. It looked like he was proud of what he had done. “Now you know what will happen next time you make a mistake”, he purred right next to my ear and goosebumps formed on my skin but I remained motionless. There was no energy left for me to use. “I'm looking forward to it, scum.”_

_He stood up and left the office as though nothing had happened. As though he hadn't torn my soul into shreds. My rear hurt, my nails were all bloody from scratching at the walls and furniture, my head hurt from all the tears I had shed. An unknown amount of time passed during which I contemplated just lying on the ground until I starved to death, but-_

 

I stopped, suddenly unable to control myself when the tears slipped out of my eyes. I had talked fast, had tried not to get too tangled up in the memory of what had happened but they were too vivid to be ignored. I gasped, tearing at my hoodie when the hot tears just wouldn't stop. I managed to whisper the end of my sentence before running out of breath. “But Fate wanted me to keep suffering – wanted me to live.”

This was too much. _I shouldn't have started with this, it was a bad idea_. All I had wanted to do was make Minhyuk understand so that he wouldn't think it was all his fault. I started sobbing, tugging at my hair in frustration. When had been the last time I had cried like this? It must have been a bit more than three years. Sad how much power memories could have over a person. What was I even thinking, going back to that time? I had never told anyone, Yi-en concluded everything by himself. Why was I still suffering? Why was I the one dying on the inside?

“Hyungwon.” It was embarrassing. It was weak. I kept crying hiding myself behind my hands but the voice didn't go away. “Hyungwon, stand up and look at me.” I heard a chair being pushed back, then someone rounding the table to stand beside me and I rubbed my sleeve across my face before blinking up at Minhyuk. “Stand up”, he repeated with a soft voice and I drew myself up with all of my force.

“Just say it. Whatever it is”, I mumbled bitterly and he moved to meet my gaze. His dark eyes were serious but filled with warmth.

“Who am I?”

I clawed at the wooden table, unable to get the point of his question. “What?”

“Who am I? What's my name?”, he repeated in the same manner and I wiped away another stream of tears with a hiss.

“I'm...I'm not in the m-mood for mind games, Minhyuk-”

“Minhyuk”, he interrupted me, taking another step closer so that our bodies were mere centimeters apart. I clenched my teeth, his close proximity driving me insane. “Right, I'm Minhyuk. The one who always annoys you and is weak and can't harm you in any way. You know me.” He kept staring at me while his arms carefully wrapped around my waist. I panicked but kept my eyes fixed on his when he nodded. “Keep that in mind. I'm just me. I mean no harm. And I'm going to hug you now.”

“What-” He pulled me closer and pressed his face against my shoulder, holding me tight as though he'd never let go again.

I grew anxious. I'd usually be able to deal with normal hugs but with my memories as prominent as they had never been before my mind just went blank and I tried to push him away when his voice echoed in my head again. _I'm just me. I mean no harm. I'm just me..._ It was just Minhyuk. “Nothing will hurt you here. Not anymore”, he whispered softly.

I stared at his white hair, the roots of which had turned dark due to not having been bleached in a while. _This is Minhyuk._ I clenched and unclenched my fists before bringing one hand up to run my fingers through a few strands of hair. _Hair as white as snow. It can only be him. He means no harm._ I kept my eyes on his hair when I wrapped my other arm around his shoulders, pressing him against my chest with another heavy breath, a disbelieving and relieved one this time. “It's just you.”

He didn't do anything apart from adjusting the position of his head a little, his breath stroking the skin right above my collarbone. “No wonder you turned out this way.” I swallowed hard, goosebumps forming with a slight shiver and he inhaled again. “I won't let you down. Ever. We're one family. You heard it. You're part of my family and I'll definitely protect you.”

I let out a hiss, my eyes burning with tears until I had to close them, inhaling Minhyuk's sweet scent to keep my mind set. _It's just Minhyuk._ “Don't promise things you can't keep.”

It was then that he pulled away and my skin grew somewhat cold without his touch. “I told you at the very beginning that I don't usually make promises, right?”

I nodded, looking into his eyes. “Because you'd forget about them anyway.”

He sighed, a little smile on his lips. “So when I say I won't let you down, when I _promise_ it, I mean it. The day I break my promise will have to be the day I die. I'm always true to my word.”

I let my hands slide from his shoulders, burying them in my pockets instead while his lingered by my sides for a few more seconds. “I wish you could do that.”

“Trust me. You can trust me, right?”

“It's not easy. I know that I wouldn't take a third betrayal.”

He stilled with a frown and I bit my own tongue with a groan. _Third. Good job, Hyungwon_. “I suppose Sangwon was kind of number one to you?”

“My parents were.” I took a step back, averting my eyes and sitting at the table again to finish my rice, seemingly busy. Of course Minhyuk didn't buy any of that and I made a face while rubbing away the remains of previous tears.

“Number two was...that...that instructor guy?”

“No, number two, uhm”, I started with another wave of shivers shaking my body, “was someone else from the army. His...His name was Yi-en. But I'm not gonna talk about him.”

“Yi...I feel like I heard that name before, did you mention him some time ago? I don't know in what context it was...” Minhyuk started chewing on his lower lip, a deep frown on his face as he slowly made his way back to his seat. “Oh! The reason why you hated blond people, was it?” I blinked, wondering why he had actually remembered that, so I just nodded. I wanted this topic to stop. “What did he do to you? Is he dead? Did he hurt you? Who was he? A friend?”

I cleared my throat not knowing where to look when he shot his questions at me. There was some weird undertone to his voice as though he was getting ready to jump up, seek Yi-en out and beat him up if needed. “Friend. Y-yeah. We were good...friends.” _Friends that had been going out with each other thinking themselves to be a couple but hey, friends is cool to sum it up._ “It was a good time as long as it lasted.”

“Did he also know about...you know, what happened to you?”

I heard him switch over to a more careful tone of voice and forced myself not to give in to my frustration. “He knew, yes. I really don't want to talk about any of this anymore.” I took a few deep breaths, trying to get the last bits of panic out of my head though I wasn't very successful. I shouldn't have revived those memories, the nightmares would come back worse than before. “I hope you get my problem with ph-physical contact now.”

Minhyuk stared at me for several seconds until I got really uncomfortable, chewing on my rice. “And you still let me sleep in your damn bed? Without finding it necessary to tell me about the small detail that your fucki- no, sorry, that your anxiety disorder comes from being raped by some bastard? Do you like suffering that much?”

“No! It's...It's difficult to explain”, I whispered through clenched teeth, tightening my grip on the iron chopsticks. “It's my consent that changes it. I-If you were to just appear out of nowhere I would panic and run, most likely, it's... It just feels like you are...okay.” I thought of his hug, feeling my heart clench while shivering at the same time. “You seemed to need the company...”

Minhyuk pressed his lips together with a frown as he finished his food and brought it into the kitchen. “When will you start worrying about yourself?” I stared after him, suddenly losing my appetite now that I thought about what I had told him. Yi-en aside, he knew about everything now.

I rose to my feet again, moving slowly but steadily. One step at a time. “What do you mean?”, I whispered, carrying my bowl to the sink and Minhyuk grabbed both of my hands in an instant, having me freeze.

“Every time you do something it's because someone else might profit from it. You never do it for yourself”, he explained. “You live for Sangwon, went to fight for our country without fearing death, went out of your way to help me feel better. When did you ever do something for yourself?”

I knew he was right. I also knew the reason why. But I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. I felt the warmth of Minhyuk's hands holding my cold ones, looking at him with a sad expression on my face. Masks were useless, he'd rip them off and throw them away anyway. He stared at me for a long time, the only sound being the ticking of the clock in the living room until his eyes narrowed.

“You don't think you're worth enough to be selfish.” It was his realization that had me look away and he knew he had hit the bullseye. “You'd throw your life away without a second thought if it could save someone you deem worth it, wouldn't you?”

“You don't understand what I've done and where I've been-”

“That doesn't matter! You're a human being and that's all that counts”, Minhyuk interrupted me, shaking his head. “I can't let you keep thinking that way.” He pulled me closer again and I fixed my eyes on his white hair like before so that I wouldn't get another panic attack. _This is Minhyuk. He means no harm. This is Minhyuk, he-_

“I need you to stay with me. I need to keep an eye out for you”, he whispered next to my ear and I swallowed hard when his hands squeezed mine. _He means no harm._ “I'll be a wall so you won't need yours anymore. Just don't go.”

All these years and I was still not out of the suicidal mindset. It was just plain sad. Or ridiculous. You choose. “Don't worry.” I inhaled his scent once more and closed my eyes for a while, listening to his breathing, steady as the ticking of the clock, while hesitantly leaning my head against his shoulder. _This is Minhyuk. He's different from the others._

“I'm not going anywhere.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My poor babies ;___;


	24. Wishes are the company of Hope

I never thought Hyungwon would tell me any of this, especially not now that I knew what exactly he had been hiding. I pitied him, felt the urge to wipe those tears from his face, wanted to cling to him forever...But now that I understood I loosened my grip on his hands and stepped away to look at his reddened eyes. “You really did bottle up too much”, I whispered with the hint of a smile. “Don't do that anymore, will you?”

I could see him swallow, tilting his head upwards to suppress another wave of tears with a sneer. “Let's just say I bottle up enough for the two of us so you won't have to do that, okay? I'm fine, don't look at me like that.”

“I-uh, alright. Just don't make yourself suffer for someone else to feel better from now on or I'll come and hug this trauma out of you, got it?”

“That's not that bad of an idea if you ask me”, Hyungwon mentioned with a raised brow. “But I doubt I'll ever completely get over this. I'm but a tool that- don't speak, I know what you're going to say.” He put his hand over my slightly opened mouth with a sad smile on his lips. “Being used is okay. Going out of one's way to make others happy is okay.”

“Throwing away your life isn't”, I mumbled through his fingers and he huffed, chewing on the insides of his cheeks.

“Fine, I won't throw it away anymore. Is that what you want to hear?”

I narrowed my eyes at him, pursing my lips. “For no one.”

“Minhyuk, if I can save many lives just by sacri-”

“For _no one_.”

He broke off and pressed his lips together, staring at me for several seconds until he finally averted his eyes. I had won a staring contest and knew that was rare when he replied with a whisper. “For no one.”

I nodded, satisfied with his compliance, and sat down on the sofa. “You shouldn't be so stubborn, you know?”

“I'd like to tell you the same”, Hyungwon retorted, still standing where I had let go of him and I glanced at him as he lowered his gaze on his hands, inspecting them as though he was looking for something. I reached out for our radio, stopping when he muttered on. “But where would I be now if you weren't this bullheaded?”

He looked at me with troubled eyes, probably not quite knowing what more to say and I leaned back again. “I guess you need some silence for yourself, huh? I'll just be reading here, Jooheon brought me a book last week and I didn't get the chance to look into it yet, so, uh, I won't bother you or anything.”

“I didn't want you to- You know, I-” Hyungwon licked his lips, clenching and unclenching his fist while searching for the right words. “I think I didn't make this clear before but I'm...I'm glad things ended up the way they are now, I... Thank you for all your efforts, Minhyuk. I'll...I'll be upstairs for a while but just come in if there's something bothering you or the like, okay? I...Really, thanks.”

My heart filled with warmth and an honest and relieved smile appeared on my face when he slowly turned to go to his room. “Always there for you.”

He nodded to himself, burying his hands in his pockets with a sigh. “Always. Right.”

 

I didn't get to see him again until late in the afternoon when I made myself some cornflakes due to lack of real hunger. He glanced at the serving in my hand, went into the kitchen and came back with another bowl and spoon, settling at the table to join me. “Is...Is there anything new? Nobody came home, right?”, he asked quietly, eyes locked on his hands.

I shrugged, trying to be oblivious to his red eyes. “There was nobody here, so I listened to the radio. That one station you raided? They talk about some interesting stuff every now and then, I'm surprised the army didn't go and take its tower back yet. All the other channels are still Chinese only.”

Hyungwon tapped the spoon against his lips with a frown. “I guess China has other stuff to take care of first. I wonder if America attacked already...”

A shiver went through my body and I swallowed hard. “You mean we could already be at war with them?”

He took a deep breath, pressing his lips together before answering. “The world advances without you noticing most of the time. I believe it's possible. But even if that was the case-” Hyungwon looked at me with eyes that were no longer panic stricken as they had been a few hours before but certain and serious. “-I'd make sure everybody's safe before anything else. Don't be scared or anything, you've got me for your shield.”

I let out a nervous chuckle. “Sounds like something Chae Hyungwon would never have said before. You make it sound as though it were this easy.”

“It _is_ if you have the right methods available.” I left it at that. Hyungwon had that habit of talking around a topic until you forgot about what you originally wanted to know and I wouldn't make his strategy fail. It wasn't important what he'd do, it was important that he would still do it for _us_ as in Monsta X. He wanted to protect us.

I drank the rest of my milk and wiped my mouth. “You seem to be all better. You're okay now?”

His spoon stilled in mid-air for a split second before he kept eating with a slow nod. “I will be once I have my dose tomorrow. I'm still pretty tense and I know there's no reason to be but I can't seem to relax. I'll get some sleep, take my drugs and be alright by tomorrow evening. Don't worry.”

_I'm more worried that you consider Delphinium your medicine_ , I thought, crossing my arms in front of my chest. I didn't like that mindset. “Wonho should be there tomorrow, right? I might go to that orphanage with him, I want to know how Kihyun and Changkyun are doing. Or do you know the location?”

“I'll do that”, I replied with a firm nod. “I know the location and it's been a while since I've visited that place. I want to go there, I leave it to you whether you come along or stay here but there's no third option.”

He blinked with something like disbelief in his eyes before a huff escaped his lips. “Look, you wouldn't have had anything to do at Jooheon's place, you can't still be bitter.”

“So what if I am? It won't change a thing about your options.”

“Fine, I'll play along. I'll stay here like you had to today. I won't go anywhere and you talk to the orphans, alright?”

I hadn't expected him to give in that easily and was taken aback for a few seconds. Part of me had wanted him to come along but if he decided to stay home on his own he would have his reasons. I nodded. “It's all set then. When will you knock yourself out?”

“I'm usually one of those people who always want to stick to their schedule, so I'll have my drugs tomorrow, hopefully in the afternoon”, Hyungwon replied, smiling at the expression of knocking himself out. “I'll try to sleep somehow though it won't be fun, I guess.”

I swallowed and looked at my bowl. “I...You won't want my company, right?”

He averted his eyes as well, poking at his cornflakes with the spoon. “Better not. I don't feel like it would help right now.”

“Okay, no problem”, I said with a reassuring smile, “and if there's a problem or you change your mind just wake me up, yeah? No crying alone in the dark.”

“I'm not one to cry that easily-” He stopped himself, realizing that he already did cry in front of me mere hours ago with a sigh. “Sure.”

“That's a good boy”, I grinned, reaching out to pat his head without thinking twice. He flinched but didn't show any other reaction and I pretended not to see his discomfort. Treating him with too much caution wouldn't help him get over it but I didn't want to push him either so I left it at that, walking into the kitchen and back.

His eyes were on me even when I went back to reading Jooheon's book – a thriller, in case you're interested – and it made me somewhat uncomfortable, so I glanced up after some time. “You aren't disgusted by me.”

I furrowed my brows, lowering the book. “Why should I be?”

“I didn't exactly tell you nice things about myself.”

“I pity you but I'm not disgusted. You had no choice”, I replied casually, cocking my head to the side, “Is that what you think of yourself? Why you don't think you're worth a thing?” Every sentence of mine caused him to shrink a bit more, turning him into a helpless kid. I could almost see what he must have been like those four years ago. “Don't push yourself down to that level. 'Disgusting' is not a word you use to describe yourself.”

“You're prohibiting a lot of things today”, Hyungwon mumbled, causing me to sigh.

“I can't let you live with that mindset. I'll do anything to make sure you don't treat yourself like a piece of shit anymore. I say this discussion is now over.”

 

________________

 

_Of course it had to be a maze again. Corner after corner. Alley after alley. I was panting, running through the maze to get rid of the voices following me. Yi-en, my father, the instructor and even Sangwon – they were all there, calling my name. My lungs felt like they were about to burst and I halted for a moment, just a moment, when fingers wrapped around my wrist, pinning me to the wall in a second._

_Every dream was the same. I'd get caught, fall into a dark abyss, then wake up from shock._ Let's get this over with, _I thought, raising my head to look at the instructor or the image I had left in my memories. He came too close, my breath quickening by reflex. “You know you can't escape”, he whispered into my ear and I winced when his free hand cupped my face in a way so gentle he could never have done it in real life._

_The wall behind me crumbled and I fell to the ground with the second person straddling my hips. They had changed faces, it was Yi-en staring back at me with his big eyes now. “What do you still want here?”, I huffed with a raised eyebrow though I got my hackles up anyway. “You never deserved my love. I've got nothing to say to you anymore.”_

_He pouted, hands on my chest so that I found it somewhat hard to breathe. “I loved you, turtle, you can't do this to me-”_

“ _No, you can't do this to_ me _”, I hissed, throwing him off of me in one swift movement. “My biggest mistake was to let you control me.” I stood right above him, fists clenched as I took a moment to look elsewhere._

“ _I never controlled you”, Sangwon's voice replied and my eyes shot back to the body but I didn't see my brother. It was the instructor again, chuckling for himself. “You chose me. Forgot about that?”_

“ _A man. How pathetic”, my father's voice joined in from behind me and I spun around but couldn't find the once so familiar figure. I glared at the instructor lying to my feet and kicked him with all my might._

“ _You!”, I screamed in sudden frustration. “You are at fault for_ everything _! Sangwon aside, I would have lived a fucking normal life without you!” I kicked him again. And again. He started coughing up blood but it wasn't like I gave a fuck about him. “It's all because of you!”_

_I hauled off with my fist but stopped with a frown. Why didn't the ground open? I'd have fallen into nothingness a while ago, why didn't it stop this time? The instructor was all bloody, lying at my feet but he stood up anyway, grabbing me by the waist without a chance of escaping. I sneered, punching him and thrashing around but nothing helped. He leaned closer again, too close for comfort, and I started screaming when his words reached my ear. “You're a bad bad boy, scum.”_

“ _You fucking bastard, I won't ever-”_

“ _Hyungwon isn't bad”, a new voice sounded behind me and the instructor froze, his hold on me loosening when he started dissolving into thin air. “Right, Hyungwon? You're my good boy.”_

_The dark maze around me turned white with a flash, my eyes closing on their own accord at the sudden brightness. I forced them open again, trying to make out the person but that's when the invisible ground I was standing on crumbled, sending me into nothingness as always. “No”, I breathed, eyes darting around the white area until they locked on a person dressed in white as well. I knew who it was and tried to reach out with my hand but of course I was falling too fast to hold on to anything._

_I raised my voice. “No, wait! No! Please, don't let me-”_

 

“Don't let me fall!” I ripped my eyes open, sweat running down my face as I was panting in the dark room and I repeated myself with a whisper.

“Don't let me fall.”

It took me several minutes to calm down and some more to realize that it wasn't just sweat on my face. I was crying.

 

________________

 

Hyungwon looked like Death himself when he came down the stairs in the morning; face pale, eyes half-closed and without much energy. It would have been better for him to stay home anyway, good thing he had decided to do so on his own.

“When will you leave?”, he mumbled right before a yawn prevented him from saying any more.

“I wanted to go early. They'll usually wander around once they've had breakfast, so I should get there fast.”

“Okay.”

I watched him make his own breakfast with attentive eyes. “You won't take anything while being alone, right?”

“Why shouldn't I?”

“I'm worried about you”, I stated bluntly, watching him close his eyes with a sigh for some reason. “You know, the last time I wasn't there you- Ah, never mind.”

He froze, fingers clenching around his bowl of milk and cereal. “I killed the Clan. I know, I know. Then don't be gone too long.”

“You didn't-”

“Don't. Just eat, go and be back again. I want to shut this brain of mine off.”

I pressed my lips together and nodded, knowing that I wouldn't get far with him now. All I could do was listen to him like he did to me, so I was quick to put on my shoes and leave the house for the orphanage. _Don't be gone too long_. I uttered a quiet 'see you later' with a smile on my lips. _I'll hurry._

 

Talking to Kihyun and Changkyun proved to be far easier than expected. They weren't down, they weren't angry or anything, no, they just thought it would be better for everyone to be on their own for their time being.

“ _You looked like you weren't even in our world anymore”, Changkyun stated with a shrug, “We couldn't reach you, couldn't talk to Shownu and didn't get a glimpse at why Jooheon was feeling guilty at all. Not to mention that Wonho didn't seem to know how to react either. Nothing made sense so we decided to stay away for a while.”_

“ _Yeah, I tried some things”, Kihyun added, “but neither of you let me talk to you, so we just stopped after a few hours.”_

I sighed, searching for my keys in my pocket and reaching out for the old doorknob. “You don't need to talk to comfort people”, I mumbled to myself. _Hyungwon didn't really talk either._ A sigh escaped my lips followed by a shake of my head. “But he's special anyway, right?”

There was something weird when I opened the door and entered the house, throwing my shoes to the side with furrowed brows. I raised my gaze to find Hyungwon sitting at the top of the staircase with his chin hooked on his knees. “What are you-”

“I was waiting”, he interrupted me and yawned while I was walking into the living room.

“Sorry, did I take too long? What time is it?”

“Don't know, didn't really care”, he replied, skipping down the stairs. “But good thing you're back, I was getting lonely.”

_I don't like this, something's foul._ I turned around and let out a shriek upon Hyungwon standing right behind me. “Gosh, Hyungwon, what-” His eyes stared straight back at me and I took a deep breath, not knowing whether to be disappointed or fascinated. The smell confirmed my guess. “You couldn't bear up against your addiction.”

“It hurt. What else should I have done?”, he defended himself, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “It's not like I left the house or anything.”

I had to give him that and sighed, glancing at the clock. “What did you do? I was gone for maybe two hours.”

“I waited. No big deal.”

“How about your state of mind? I guess you're not on edge anymore?”

“Don't think so”, Hyungwon mumbled, then suddenly wrapped his arms around my shoulders. My breath hitched as I was pressed against his chest that vibrated when he hummed. “Nope, I guess I'm okay. It feels weird but it doesn't hurt.”

“ _You_ are weird”, I replied, pushing myself away from him in a hurry. “I can't get used to how touchy you get when you're high.”

He walked over to the nearby radio and turned it on with a slight pout. Chinese news could be heard though I didn't really get a thing they were saying. “I've always been like that, anxiety just overpowers it, alright? I feel like my anxiety is all gone when I take some of that flower.”

I stepped back and took a moment to examine Hyungwon's overall appearance. He looked like a sulky little kid that had nothing more to worry about than not getting the dessert he wanted. His expression didn't show any sign of the cold person he was on a normal basis. It made me want to try something out. Something I would never have done if he was sober. “I'm sorry if anything happens to you now”, I whispered quietly, taking a deep breath. If Hyungwon really lost his anxiety while high, what would happen if I...

“What did you say? I didn't quite-”

He turned the radio down a little but didn't get to finish his sentence as I pushed him towards the wall, pinning him against it by his wrists. He was much taller than me and I struggled for a moment but then managed to keep him in place with a firm grip. His eyes widened, then narrowed and widened again as though he weren't quite sure what to do. A hint of fear, a hint of surprise and a little bit of something darker. I swallowed my last doubts and put on an evil smirk. “So your anxiety is gone right now, huh? Are you sure? A hundred percent?”

I felt his body shake in my grasp but forced myself to hold him in place. I needed to confirm this. It took him a few seconds to react but then Hyungwon settled with an empty and cold gaze that made me more than uncomfortable. “Don't make me hurt you.”

“Hurt? Oh please, you couldn't even defend yourself against an instructor”, I retorted with a low voice, leaning closer to the point where my own heartbeat started to accelerate.

“I'm different now.”

“I don't believe you. And you won't remember this anyway, who cares about what I do with you right now? Tell me, who?” I let my breath stroke the skin of his neck on purpose and heard him swallow hard, thinking that he would give in now. 

“Wonho did the same to me when I had just started living here.” I remembered that one evening I had found Hyungwon in the garden with Wonho crouching by his side and swallowed. “But I know this time is different. I'm different.”

“Sure.” I didn't think his anxiety would just vanish but Hyungwon had always been one to surprise me.

He let out a frustrated groan, shifted his weight to the other side and used my short moment of confusion to switch our places so that I was the one backed up against the wall now. The radio was still spitting weird-sounding Chinese into the room in the background. “I admit it, alright?”, Hyungwon mumbled bitterly. “I'm not okay with you doing as you please. Maybe I  _am_ a bit scared, why  _wouldn't_ I be if you change this rapidly? _”_ I could only stare into his eyes that seemed to be a bit annoyed and maybe even disappointed. “You'd better ask beforehand next time.”

He let go of me and stepped away as I blinked in confusion. “A-ask?”

“It's those sentences with a question mark at the end. You know how it goes: Can I hold your hand? Are you okay with me hugging you? You've done that before, yesterday to be precise.” Hyungwon ran a hand through his hair and clenched his teeth before relaxing again with a sigh. “Stick to that. At least when I'm sober. Sometimes the answer will still be no but I appreciate your care at those moments. I never thanked you for that consideration.”

“W-when you are- You mean you really wouldn't care about me doing anything to you right now when you're high? No real fear?”

“Of _course_ I would care but I know you would never- ah, how would I know, idiot”, he groaned, searching for the right words. “Look, you know what I'm like with my anxiety and stuff. You know it so you are more considerate then. That aside I don't mind being close to you right now. Don't mind touching you, even holding your hand.” He grabbed my hand as if to prove his point and I flinched. “But these little things hurt at any other time, you know? Whenever I'm not on drugs.”

I stared at him in disbelief, not knowing what to make of his honesty, then directed my gaze towards our linked hands. “I know. I can't understand but I know. That's why I don't know what to do most of the time.”

Hyungwon squeezed my hand and a little smile made its way up to his face. “You don't give up. That's more than enough-” He stopped and furrowed his brows, causing me to mirror his expression.

“What-”

“Shh.” He let go of my hand and walked up to the radio, raising the volume. We listened to the MC's agitated voice and I tried to make out anything, even a single word, but couldn't understand one bit. Hyungwon listened for a minute before turning to look back at me with big eyes. “Lee, where do you keep the flowers?”

“Wh-what did he say just now?”  
“Lee, where are they? How many are there?”

“I-I think it's...I don't know, why?”

“Make oil from them. Like what you filled our vials with. We need to store as much as possible.”

“Hyungwon what did you just hear, goddammit?”

He clenched his fists, staring at the radio as though he could unhear everything if only he tried hard enough. “They say it's war.” He paused to let the words sink in. “They just reported that America and Japan have started an attack somewhere around Busan. Korea is an easy target, they probably want to get us on their side first before marching on against China.”

“You're pretending you understood because you're high, right? Maybe you should go and sleep for a while-” I looked at his face trying to detect any signs of him joking but he was dead serious. What was this guy? He didn't ever say anything serious when he was high before and now it had to be a war? “Hyungwon, this isn't funny.”

“I'm not kidding, Lee, I promise!” He pressed a few buttons on the radio until the channel the radio tower of which he had raided could be heard. Our one Korean channel. It was only a poor signal so there weren't many words audible.

“We...merica...southern coa...Korea...att...ck- payback...fight...” Hyungwon turned the button more in frustration, trying to get a better signal. “Repeat...Amer...started...war in the morni...today.”

I was still standing by the wall, sliding down to the ground with my hands covering my mouth in shock. Hyungwon gave up and switched off the radio before noticing what was going on with me, crouching down and putting a hand on my knee with a sympathetic look. I stared into his dilated pupils at a loss for words. “It's war.”

“I told you so!”, he whined in reply, wrapping his arms around my neck in a hurry. “It's gonna be scary. I suddenly don't want to fight.”

“We'll have to fight.” It was more of a realization I uttered for myself but Hyungwon nodded anyway, resting his forehead on my shoulder.

“I'll protect you, okay, Lee? Don't worry. Things will be fine if it's us.”

I was too troubled to point out how clingy he was being again and leaned into his hug, eyes still wide. “Ha, why would you protect me? I'm of no use in a fight. I'm...I'm doomed.”

“Don't say that”, he whispered, pulling me even closer to the point where it almost got ridiculous to think that this and the raped boy from years ago were one and the same person. “I wouldn't be able to trust anyone if it weren't for you. You're the person in white. The one that always says I'm good.” He sounded as though he were in panic and his sudden attachment was somewhat weird. It had been two weeks since I had last witnessed Hyungwon on drugs and this was a bit overwhelming.

“What are you talking about, what person in white? Hyungwon, there's no time to talk in riddles.”

He shook his head on my shoulder with a groan. “I can hold you without hurting for once. Just one more minute. Only one. Then we can go get the flowers.”

I heard the despair in his voice, the wish to just...just hold me. It had me shut my mouth and bury my face in the crook of his neck without my own consent and I let my body relax while my mind was in a state of absolute and apocalyptic panic.  _One more minute of calm and then we'll face reality_ . To think that Hyungwon could be this rational on drugs.

_One more minute._

I wished that minute could last forever.

Sometimes a wish is heard. Sometimes it's not.

 

“It's...it's on the left side behind that corner”, I whispered quietly pointing at the building I meant and Hyungwon nodded, pressing the bag of hastily improvised jars to his body.

“Good. How much time do you need?”

“For all the flowers? Maybe two hours. Maybe just one. I was very careful last time.”

“That will be fine. Two hours...” His voice trailed off for a moment when he calculated something, muttering numbers every now and then. “Yeah. I don't think they'll even come here any time soon but better safe than sorry.”

“O-okay”, I whispered in reply, unable to take my eyes off of him.

Hyungwon had been incredibly sweet. He was still high and I knew I shouldn't be moved by him so easily but I couldn't help noticing those things. After my short breakdown he had hugged me like he had only done it at the hospital before. He hugged me as though he'd never let go again and I can tell for sure that it was more than one minute we spent in absolute silence then. It was just so comforting to have him show his worry and care. To have him become so protective.

_Even now._ I dared to look down at his hand tightly holding on to mine as he pulled me through the streets after him. He hadn't let go ever since we had left the house as though he feared I might run away or get lost if he didn't hold on to me. And I couldn't deny that his touch was comforting. Yet it was simultaneously driving me crazy. 

We entered the house in a hurry, walking up to the third floor where I could hear the engines buzzing as usual. I let my gaze wander across the flowers and took a deep breath – and froze. Hyungwon furrowed his brows, turning towards me. “Lee?”

“I forgot how long it has been”, I stated nervously, swallowing. “It's...it must have been about two weeks now.”

“Since what?”

“My last dose.”

Hyungwon's scent had had a slight hint of Delphinium to it but it was nothing compared to the damn source of it all. The sweet smell was surrounding me, crowding around me until goosebumps formed on my skin. Two whole weeks. If only I hadn't been reminded of that little detail. “Just take some, get some rest and work later then. We have that time”, Hyungwon mumbled, his fingers still not letting go of mine and I groaned.

“You said we had to do this quickly before.” I furrowed my brows and clenched my eyes shut. “I should get to work first.”

“What if you pass out? That happens a lot, you know? It happened twice in the short amount of time I know you.” He pulled me a little closer by our linked hands. “You might get hurt if you keep pushing yourself, especially now.”

“There's no headache”, I realized, trying to let go of Hyungwon's hand but his grasp only tightened and I turned towards him with a sigh. “I don't feel much different from when I've just had a dose the day before. Hyungwon, I don't feel sick.” My eyes wandered towards the flowers again. They were of such a beautiful color I could have stared at them forever. And their scent was so sweet.

“That's...that's all good and nice but- Lee? Hey, Lee.”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. What were you saying?”, I returned my attention to Hyungwon who pouted.

“You said you were fine but you don't even listen to me, Minrude.”

“You're not bringing that up now, are you?”, I chuckled, wanting to take a step towards the flowers but Hyungwon pulled me back again.

“Just take some. I don't want you to black out or something. Come on, it's no big deal, right? Two hours and you're back on track.”

“I'm not even _off_ track yet”, I retorted with a shake of my head. “And if I get high who will prevent you from getting into trouble? No, Hyungwon, I can't. You sit down here-”, I finally freed my hand to point at the wall to my left, “-while I start on the flowers.”

“But-” He interrupted himself upon seeing my glare and swallowed, sitting down by the wall with his eyes fixed on me. “Hurry then.”

 

The first fifteen minutes weren't a big deal. I plucked ninety percent of the flowers with my heart clenching – the only ones I left to grow were those that were too young to be plucked anyway. If nothing happened to our city I could pick up the business again but the chances were so small I couldn't even believe it myself.

So this was it. The real end of the Clan.

I made a fire with the things we brought and started extracting the necessary oils with a sigh, throwing blossom after blossom into the bowl. I tried not to inhale through my nose fearing the smell would have an undesired effect on me and stared at the blue liquid in concentration. Such a beautiful thing with such a crucial role in my life. If I was no longer a dealer what would I be now? This was all I had done since I had moved in with Shownu. All I had done since I could remember.

I was so focused I didn't notice how Hyungwon moved towards me until arms were wrapped around me from behind. I jumped and almost knocked over my little do-it-yourself lab with a sound of surprise. “Gosh, what-”

Hyungwon hooked his chin on my shoulder and I couldn't turn my head to watch his expression but it was a fact that he was still high and unpredictable- “You are crying, Lee.”

“I am- what?” I stopped to run a hand across my cheek in wonder feeling that it was indeed wet with tears. “Oh.”

“You looked like a wizard with the flowers and your witch's cauldron and stuff but then you started crying”, Hyungwon mumbled right next to my ear with some sort of thick voice. “It made me sad as well.”

“And hugging me is the cure for that? You must feel bad, being this close to someone.”

“No, it's...The tension is almost gone now. It's still weird but I wanted to do this so it's fine.” I inhaled again but he shook his head. “Don't change the topic, why did you cry?”

_I wanted to do this_ . Why would he want to hug someone on his own accord? It just didn't make sense. “I just can't believe this is the end of me being a dealer”, I explained after a bit of hesitation, trying to form a smile. “This is all I've done since I could remember. It's like losing what I've been since forever.”

“I understand”, he replied softly, arms tightening around my waist. “It was the same every time I ran away from something. But don't worry, there's no real end.” Hyungwon took a deep breath and I could almost feel how a smile spread on his face. “Your scent goes so well with Delphinium, it's sweet. Anyway, see it differently: You have a past self that you forgot about. You have your present self being a dealer. That's all good and nice but you have a future self waiting for you to design it. You're free to do whatever you want now, it's an empty canvas. Sounds much better than losing who you are, right?”

“Future self”, I repeated with a quiet huff, reaching out to add new flowers to my _witch's cauldron_. “And what would that be in a time of war? What else but a soldier can I become? What kind of freedom is this?”

“You could be someone who fights by my side along with Monsta X”, he replied casually, leaning his head against mine. “Or someone who doesn't put himself in danger but watches from the side. Or someone who takes care of others in the background. Someone who is happy. Someone who allows himself to be sad. It's what you make of it.”

“I allow myself to be sad now as well”, I retorted, feeling oddly calm in his embrace. “I just don't want anyone to see it.”

“That's what I meant you egg.”

“E- what- I can't believe you just called me an egg”, I sighed burying my face in my hands while Hyungwon just rocked me from side to side as if to calm down a baby – it worked a little to be honest.

“You're my favorite egg.”

“Stop that, what has gotten into you?”, I muttered, playfully slamming my elbow into his stomach without much force yet he only chuckled.

“Egg-boy.”

“Alright, I'm not talking to you anymore.” I tried to get rid of his arms, tried to ignore the hot feeling spreading in my chest when he firmly held on to me with a mixture of whines and laughter but it was futile. I ended up with him still clinging to my back like a monkey baby while I kept throwing the blossoming flowers into the pot in front of me.

The air got sweeter and sweeter, my brain constantly reminding me of the fact that I was dried out, and my hands started to shake at some point. I could feel Hyungwon's heart beating against my back in a steady and calm rhythm but couldn't bring my own to do the same. I grew nervous and restless moving on to the last ten flowers when one of Hyungwon's hands grabbed my wrist. His voice was husky as though he was half asleep. “It's...It's not good to push yourself.”

“No, Hyungwon”, I objected though not as firm as desired, “it's not good for me to depend on a _flower_.”

I scanned the jars I had filled with blue liquid. The amount could nurture Monsta X for a whole  _year_ , if not longer. I could give one of them to the gangs at Seventeen's place but who could guarantee that they wouldn't overdose? Shownu hadn't been able to resist either. “You might regret this. A lot. You'll get hurt”, Hyungwon whispered so quietly I almost missed out on it.

As if on cue my head started to sting when I threw the last flowers into the metal bowl. “What are you talking about?” I looked out of the window to my left, making out a much taller building somewhere further away. The simple thought of it's height made me shiver and I averted my gaze in a hurry.

“N-nothing, I...Just take some drugs, please?”

I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose with a frown when the headache increased. “I can't...I mean, whatever, sure. I will once I'm done with this. It's...it's the last bunch anyway”, I muttered reassuringly and patted Hyungwon's hand with a fake smile.  _As if._ “Why don't you sleep for a while? I can tell you didn't get much of that last night.”

“You will definitely take them? A hundred percent?”, he insisted, worry audible in his voice but it was overshadowed by drowsiness. I definitely would never get used to him being this sentimental, it felt wrong to witness him being like this. It was vulnerable Hyungwon, someone he himself loathed, and I was glad to hear his breathing even out after just a few more minutes. _He must have been really tired_ , I concluded, filling the last jar with the retrieved oil.

“All done”, I sighed quietly, putting the fire out and closing the jars before carefully laying Hyungwon down on the ground and finally getting a proper glimpse at his face. I shook my head with a sad look. “What makes you hug me like that? Why are you doing this?”, I whispered with a swallow. “I can't believe this is who is hidden inside of you.”

I rose to my feet trying to keep my balance even though the headache was almost killing me by then. So this was all I could take. My limit was two weeks? I felt hot and cold at the same time as I stumbled through the room to have a look at the handful of flowers I had left to grow.  _You will definitely take them?_

I sighed with my shaking hand reaching out for one of the tiny petals but froze after a moment. My eyes glanced back at Hyungwon's sleeping figure.  _Who will prevent you from getting into trouble?_ “Right. Nobody else will.”

I shuffled back to Hyungwon, sitting and soon lying down by his side when the headache got unbearable. It felt like my head was going to explode at any moment and I locked my eyes on Hyungwon's peaceful expression with a weak smile. “Don't run away, yeah?”, I whispered, softly threading my fingers through his hair before holding his hand. I told myself it was to make sure I noticed when he moved away. Told myself that this was for his own good.

Actually I was scared. I couldn't keep my eyes open for much longer, the pain in my head forcing them shut, and sighed. “I don't know what will happen now.”

And then I slowly felt myself lose consciousness.

 

________________

 

Cold stone ground.

It was more than uncomfortable and I took a deep breath to gather the strength to open my eyes. I picked up on a distinct sweet smell and furrowed my brows. What had happened and where was I? I still remembered how I had stood in front of the bathroom cupboard, wanting to take the vial labeled with my name while simultaneously trying to convince myself why this was a bad idea.

_Needless to ask which side won_ , I thought to myself with a quiet groan, noticing the lightness of my head.  _Then where am I now?_ I tried to roll over but was held back by something holding on to my hand causing me to open my eyes. My gaze was immediately drawn to the white hair and a sigh escaped my lips when I noticed how Minhyuk's fingers were intertwined with mine. 

My heart made a jump in alarm but I swallowed to keep calm. This was normal after either of us took drugs. No need to be in panic.  _Hey Hyungwon, remember that general from the army? Oh, and Yi-en? Good times. They loved holding your hand as well, I think that- No._ I ripped my hand away from Minhyuk's, finding it to be far too easy. There had been few power to his grasp and I sat up, taking a quick look around.

There were weird machines set up in a row, the smell of Delphinium making the air feel thick and warm. It had to be where half of the Delphinium had been moved to not too long ago. But why were there only this few flowers? My eyes fell on the jars filled with blue liquid similar to the one in our vials at home.  _He extracted almost all of it at once,_ I wondered with my frown deepening, returning my gaze to Minhyuk's calm figure.

His face was paler than usual, his breathing quiet and pretty slow. He didn't look calm, he looked ill. “M-Minhyuk?”, I muttered followed by a yawn as I shuffled a bit closer. “Hey, Minhyuk?”

No reaction. Something felt off and I quickly pressed two of my fingers against the side of his throat, measuring a slow pulse. It was as though he were asleep but something didn't feel right. “Lee Minhyuk, wake up”, I repeated, patting his cheek softly and then with more and more force. He didn't wake up until I almost had to slap him, a quiet whine emitting from his throat. I sighed in relief. “Minhyuk, damn, you didn't wake up, it was kind of-”

“It hurts.”

“Huh?” I blinked at him struggling to open his eyes for a while until he suddenly ripped them open, turning over to curl up into a small pitiful package.

“It hurts so much.” He tore at his hair with a wince, quiet sobs shaking his body in irregular intervals. “I'll explode.”

My eyes darted towards the jars of Delphinium, then back to Minhyuk, unsure of what to do. “Did you have Delphinium while I was gone?”

“I'm fine”, he pressed through clenched teeth. “Don't need it.”

“Minhyuk-”

“I said I don't need it!” I flinched at his sudden loud tone of voice as he tried to get on his knees, still groaning in pain. “Don't you dare drugging me without my consent again. I won't let that....let that...Gosh, it hurts to death.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?”, I asked in helplessness, hesitant to help him stand up. He seemed to be in immense pain this was no joke. “I'll take you home-”

“The jars. We...we need the jars or they will...the war!”

“The war, what-” I didn't get to formulate my question as he fell to his knees again with a groan. I reached out for his forehead, finding him to be burning up. “Minhyuk, I'll get you home.”

“The jars!”

“I'll take them with me, okay? No sweat.” I rubbed the last bit of drowsiness from my eyes and stuffed the jars into the first bag I could find before grabbing Minhyuk by his upper arm and pulling him to his feet. “You can't really walk, right?”

“I'll walk, it's no big deal and-” I caught him from tripping and huffed, heaving him onto my back without allowing myself to think about it twice. He was too light, I didn't like it, but interestingly enough I wasn't scared of his chest being pressed against my back by gravity. _Must be remains of the Delphinium_ , I thought bitterly, grabbing the bag of jars and starting my descent down the stairs. “You're sober...right, Hyungwon?”

“I'm afraid I am. Why were we here?”

Minhyuk mumbled a few gibberish words before raising his voice. “We had to secure the...the drugs.”

“Why is that?” Nothing came out of his mouth in reply and I gave up for the moment, finally recognizing the neighborhood. We made it to our house in just ten minutes and I unlocked the door after struggling under the constant weight of Minhyuk for a while. _What time is it?_ I glanced at the clock in the living room as I hadn't put my watch on for some reason that day and found it to be around two in the afternoon. I remembered it being ten before, I had probably missed four hours by drugging myself.

The jars were heavy and I put them down at the foot of the stairs before carrying Minhyuk, who was wincing pitifully at times, into his room. “You're dried out”, I mumbled, watching him curl up on his bed and then bringing his vial from the bathroom.

“No”, he groaned with a shake of his head. “Please. No. I won't.”

His stubbornness had me grow frustrated and I took a few deep breaths, tightly holding on to the little bottle in my hand. It was like when Sangwon had bled out in front of me. I had tried to move him to the infirmary but he insisted on just lying there with me crouching by his side.  _It's useless, Won. I don't want to go there, it's a waste of time._ “It's for your own good-”

“I don't want it. Listen...to me for once”, he hissed between two breaths, shaking his head a little. “Please.”

I swallowed with my lips pressed together, trying to weigh my options.  _He's not bleeding. We already discussed how Minhyuk isn't Sangwon, right? Don't panic, his pulse is alright._ Minhyuk shivered and mumbled something like he was cold but his forehead was still burning up. He really seemed to be feverish, I had to lower his temperature and glanced at the vial in my hand for a while. “Oh, fuck this.”

I left the little thing on his desk and went into the bathroom, filling a washcloth with cold water to place it on his forehead. “You're not dying on me right now, are you?”, I asked quietly and he smirked with his eyes closed.

“Feels similar but no, I doubt it.” His hand felt for my sleeve, sliding down to my fingers once it found what it had been looking for. His hands were cold. “I'm just a little sick.”

“I don't like you being like this”, I retorted, ignoring his tight grasp on my hand. “Just take your Delphinium, it's okay to-”  
“I almost did it, Hyungwon”, he interrupted me with a tired sigh. “I will get out of that hole. You just sit and watch.”

“I'm not going to _watch_ while you die.”

“I told you I'm not, you idiot. Promise me you're not going to drug me.” Minhyuk pulled on my hand and I sat down beside the bed to get into a more comfortable position. “I don't need that kick anymore. Don't want to need it. I'll...I'll sleep for a while. Promise me.”

He had always stuck with what I had told him to do. He had never let me out of his sight when I was high, I just felt it deep inside. He always put up with me and my tantrums. How could I deny him that wish now that he was so determined to get out of it all? “Promise? I... Fuck, whatever.” I let out a huff, unable to do anything but shake my head in helplessness. “You'd better wake up again, I-  _we_ can't lose you.”

“Alright. Alright. Good...good to hear that”, he muttered with a poor chuckle before his breathing calmed down and he drifted off into sleep. I let go of his hand for a while to grab a bucket and fill it with water, replacing the cloth on his forehead every now and then. There was nothing I could do. Of course I could still have drugged him but he really wouldn't have forgiven me judging by his intense reaction from last time. He had made his decision and I could only hate it.

“Are you willing to die now that I told you about my past? Was it that traumatizing for you?”, I joked halfheartedly as I reached out for the portable radio lying on the small bedside table. How much time had passed now? My sense of time wasn't quite working and I decided to just wait for the next hourly news on the radio to reclaim it.

I didn't even listen for five minutes when the song was suddenly interrupted. “Breaking news. After the American troops invaded the south of Korea they won the battle of Ulsan only minutes ago. One city has fallen but many remain. We will not back down because of them claiming a colony of ours as theirs. Every man old enough to hold a weapon is to register at his local military base to fight for his country. Together we are strong and will-”

I ripped the earphones out of my ears and stared at the small device in shock.  _American troops?_ My gaze shot over to Minhyuk.  _We had to secure the drugs_ , he had said.  _We need the jars or they will...the war!_ “He must have known”, I whispered, putting one of the earplugs back into my ear and searching for our conquered radio frequency. An agitated Korean went on and on about what was happening, telling the listeners to stand up and fight every few seconds. 

It was true. Our war had finally started and a helpless snort escaped my lips when I leaned my head on my hand, looking at Minhyuk. “Of course you need to be knocked out  _now_ , huh?”

I heard the front door open and close downstairs, quickly rising to my feet to find out who it was. Jooheon was staring back at me and the two of us exchanged a curt nod.

 

“ _You're one of the young master's study friends?”_

_I didn't like the personnel from the start. They all looked pretty stuck up and strict, it took all of my self-restraint to not roll with my eyes. But of course I had to remain friendly, pretending to be one of his friends from a university I didn't even know the name of. “Yes, I'm Hyungwon, we started our English classes a while ago and there were a few things I wanted to ask him. We usually hang out at my place but I haven't seen him for a while, so I decided to come over. May I enter?”_

_I saw the judging look the other guy gave me but how could he say no to a friend of his_ young master. _“It's up the stairs, the second room to the left, I'll accompany you.”_

_I waved it off. “No, it's fine, really. You must have better things to do, thank you.”_

_I didn't give him a chance to object and paced up the stairs with a roll of my eyes._ Second room to the left. _The house was beautiful, it looked very traditional with a few modern touches to it but I didn't have time to admire ancient furniture right now. The longer it took me to get Jooheon back the longer Minhyuk would be on his own at home and I didn't really like that thought._

_I knocked on the door and lowered my voice, one hand on the door handle. “Jooheon? It's me, Hyungwon. I'm coming in.” I waited for a few seconds before pushing the door open – fortunately it wasn't locked. That would have posed a severe problem with the already suspicious personnel around._

_Jooheon was sitting on the windowsill, knees drawn up to his chest. “How did you get in?”_

“ _Your butler let me”, I shrugged, “and you didn't even lock your door. It wasn't exactly difficult.”_

“ _True.” I took a look around, taking in the atmosphere. A desk, a bed, a wardrobe, a huge comfortable looking chair. His cupboard was filled with magazines that were all of the same design and they were scattered on his bed as well. I stepped closer to read what was written on them and found them to be magazines about weaponry. Guns, knives, explosives, everything. It looked as though he had every single edition and I furrowed my brows when something caught my attention from the corner of my eye._

_I turned around and had to suppress an astonished gasp._

_You couldn't see it when entering the room but the whole wall was covered with guns of all kinds. Big ones, small ones, long and short; they were all here. It reminded me of the arsenal I had been at not too long ago. That's when I remembered one of our first conversations. Jooheon had said it was lonely in that house filled with arms._ Kihyun would die from a heart attack if he saw all the guns. _I swallowed hard_. Not only Kihyun.

_Jooheon must have noticed my long silence and I heard him move, probably to glance at me. “That's a lot, right? Considering they're all mine. Forty-seven in case you're wondering.” His voice became muffled and I figured he must have buried his face in his knees. “Forty-seven guns but not one that could help me save the Clan.”_

_It was then that I finally turned to look at Jooheon again, my heart clenching. “Guns never save lives, they only take them”, I whispered, sitting down on the huge chair by his desk. It was so damn comfortable I could have sat in that thing all day. “I talked to Shownu today. He'll be alright, so don't be too down. You can't change anything about Changjung now either. You know you're not at fault for anything, right?”_

“ _If we hadn't split up-”_

“ _You would both have been caught or worse.”_

“ _If I hadn't given him the gun and suggested the robbery-”_

“ _He would still be sitting in his room without letting us get to him. He didn't shoot himself or anyone else either; your gun played no major part in this. No, Jooheon, you need to understand that this is still the best outcome. You're alive, Shownu is as well and even if they send him to prison I'll get him out of there soon enough. I promised Minhyuk only yesterday. Some things just need to happen and you'll have to live with them.”_

“ _I know, I_ know _, but...” Jooheon stopped and cocked his head to the side. “You- Did Minhyuk really talk to you?”_

_I shot him a sad smile. “I've been in similar positions to all of you before – Shownu, Minhyuk, you – I know what y'all need to talk about, so, yeah, he did talk to me.” I straightened my back, hands buried in my pockets. “You seem to be fine, your conscience aside. Everything is alright so you shouldn't let things get to you right now. When you'll drop by at our house again – whether or not you even want to leave this room – I'll leave it up to you. I just wanted to make sure you're not grieving too much.”_

“ _I'm just blaming myself. Sounds like no big deal but I seldom admit that I'm at fault for something.”_

“ _Listen to me when I say you're not at fault.”_

“ _Well, you actually got into my house, I guess I should believe such a super human, huh?” We both let out a snort at that and I rolled my eyes before he kept talking. “Go back home. I'll come by tomorrow or something.”_

“ _Good.” I rose to my feet and stretched my limbs, heading towards the door. “You know, forty-seven guns have a lot of firepower. I talked to some Chinese before and they were really proud of their guns. That one-” I pointed at a certain submachine gun right above my head. “-is so quiet they say even assassins like using it.”_

_Jooheon let out a huff, looking out of the window while I smirked. It was_ my _favorite gun if there was such thing. “I'll show them just how well they work. It would be a shame to not let them have a taste of their own inventions.”_

 

“Did you hear the news?”, Jooheon asked and I swallowed, looking at him from the top of the stairs.

“Just now. It's...It's time.”

He nodded before his eyes darted around for a few seconds. He was nervous but I could hear the confidence in his voice nonetheless. The need for revenge was almost written on his forehead. “We'll make them bite their own bullets.”

A sympathetic smile appeared on my face and I gripped the banister with a deep breath. “In the most literal sense.”

 


	25. Ignorance is bliss

“What do you mean you're not going to? Step aside, I'll do it.”

“No, you don't know how desperate he is to-”

“To stay alive, Hyungwon. _You_ are the one who doesn't know. He doesn't know either. But he needs this, okay? Believe me when I tell you that he's not strong. It's not right to let him suffer and-”

“It's not right to suppress his own free will to decide. The answer is no, get away from him.”

A heated discussion got through to me causing the buzz in my head to intensify by ten times if not more. I let out a groan, ready to murder whoever was talking so loudly.

“He's awake.”

“Must have heard us. Great.”

“Do you think it's my fault?”

“Well, if you hadn't insisted on- whatever.” I peeled my eyes open to see the beautiful shades of red, pink and gold the setting sun painted my room. My gaze then stumbled across two people I recognized as Hyungwon and Wonho, a pout forming on my face.

“You're far too loud.”

“Sorry”, Hyungwon replied much to my surprise while Wonho shook his head.

“Minhyuk, this is a bad idea”, he just said with his eyes lowered to the ground. “Who knows if you can take this?”

“I'm not dead yet, am I?”, I retorted, feeling the buzz in my head calm down with a sigh. “No, I'm all good.”

“You call that good.”

“Better than four hours ago for sure”, Hyungwon interfered with his arms crossed in front of his chest before directing his gaze towards me. “How's your headache?”

“It's bearable but...loud. Feels like a hangover, things are going haywire in there”, I replied with a smile, sitting up to notice the piece of wet cloth on my forehead. I glanced at Hyungwon with a smile as he had turned away. “Thanks for your care.”

“It's nothing.”

I nodded to myself and tried to stand up, my balance betraying me when I fell back onto the bed with my head spinning. Wonho grabbed me by the hands to keep me steady with worried eyes. “Take it slow. Gosh, what are you thinking? You're completely dried out and try to just stand up and jump around? Minhyuk, you'd better take that damn blue stuff right now, you're the one monitoring all those random people at that subway and you should know what could happen to you.”

“I'm fine!”, I insisted with a loud voice that had him flinch. “I'm alright. Help me up so that I can go to the bathroom or leave.”

I had rarely been this grumpy and Wonho noticed that of course, his lips pressed together and eyes trying to stare me down. He didn't like this but in the end he pulled me to my feet, one hand supporting me by the elbow while the other was resting on my back. I was also well aware of the fact that Hyungwon was observing every little thing either of us did and would have laughed at how protective he was being all of a sudden if my headache hadn't been trying to mash my brain.

I made it to the bathroom, saying I wouldn't need Wonho's help as I held on to the cupboard at the side. I felt weak, it was as though someone had forgotten to refuel their car and now it was doing a pitiful job at getting them to their destination. After going to the toilet I stared at my reflection in the mirror with my focus somewhat off. _Great. It will pass, I'm sure._ I was about to move on to the door when I tripped over my own two feet, hands unable to hold on to the sink.

“Ow”, I groaned, turning over to have a look at my knee. A bit of blood was leaking from the scraped skin but it was just the shock that made it hurt, it wasn't all that bad. Still I couldn't avert my eyes when the little red droplets grew and grew until they finally started flowing downwards. _Red red blood_ , I thought, suddenly aware of how the color scared me. _Dark red._

“Why is this so creepy?”, I whispered to myself, reaching out to touch my knee with one finger but a sudden flashback had me stop. _Mom, no! I didn't- shit, Mom, come back here! Mom are you fucking listening, listen to your damn son!_

A flashback. A phenomenon throwing people back in time to have them re-experience a certain memory. “My memories”, I whispered with wide eyes, drawing my knees up to my chest with a gasp. Suddenly I knew exactly what the context of that scene was. Suddenly I knew everything.

And then I screamed.

 

________________

 

I knew Wonho's gaze was on me the whole time we were sitting downstairs and I didn't even have to look to know he was pouting. He couldn't decide whether he was mad at me for listening to Minhyuk's wish or not.

“Oh come on, banker-boy”, Jooheon spoke up unable to bear with the unnecessary silence any longer, “don't you understand him? After all that happened I'd try to get away from that stuff as well.”

“You know how he was at the beginning”, the blond snapped with his arms crossed. “And we're here to make sure he's alright while drugged, doesn't he trust us anymore?”

Jooheon let out a quiet gasp and tightened his hold on his seat's armrest. “I didn't think you'd ever doubt him. You of all people.”

“He needs _you_ to trust _him,_ he's doing it for us”, I whispered, the others' gazes on me in a second.

“For us?”

 _When did you ever do something for yourself?_ A snort escaped my lips at Minhyuk's words. _Who's the one only doing things for others to profit now, huh?_ “I'm not saying he doesn't do it for his memories to return”, I clarified myself, leaning back on the sofa, “but there's two more reasons in my opinion. First, he wants to be able to protect us twenty-four seven. After what happened with Shownu he can't trust our ability to take the proper amount anymore.”

The other two nodded and I took another breath. “Second, he wants to store his share of the drugs for us to use on a long-term basis. We as addicts will last longer that way even if our remaining flowers get destroyed during war. He turned almost all of it into blue oil today.”

I pointed at the number of jars standing on the table and sighed when Wonho huffed. “Even if those were his reasons, I still don't think this to be a good idea. It doesn't change a thing about how much he's suffering.”

“You always understand him, why not now?”, Jooheon interfered with narrowed eyes and I could almost imagine him with his hackles up. He had turned out to be a valuable ally; we had agreed on waiting for one week before deciding what to do concerning the war. I didn't want to just run down to Ulsan, we'd have to wait for a while so I was glad that he agreed with me in that case. And even now we shared our opinion, it was weird how this relationship of ours had changed.

“I understand him but I don't agree, what's so difficult abou-”

Wonho's reply was interrupted by a bloodcurdling scream and we jerked up, my feet bringing me to the stairs faster than my thoughts could follow. “Minhyuk?” Silence. I glanced back at the others who seemed to be just as lost before walking up the stairs and slowly opening the door to the bathroom. “Hey, Min- What happened?” He was crouching on the floor, hands tangled in his own hair while his face was buried in his knees. “Lee Minhyuk?”

Wonho barged into the room with wide eyes. “Minhyuk! Look at me.” The white-haired guy didn't even move the slightest causing the blond to let out an annoyed snort. “Alright, I can't watch this.” He opened the cupboard left of the mirror and pulled out the vial labeled 'handsome dude'. What a joke. “Take some. Don't make yourself suffer and just-”

“Wonho-” He just kept talking over me and I saw how Minhyuk stiffened, slightly shaking his head with his face still buried in his knees.

“We're here for you. You don't need to do this to yourself any longer, so just-”

“Wonho! He doesn't want to”, I spoke firmly, grabbing him by the shoulder with a shake of my head. The blond ran a hand through his hair when Jooheon came to join us in the already crowded bathroom. “It's no use. It's probably too late anyway. We don't know what kind of effect the drugs will have on him now. He could lose himself completely and that would be a severe problem. Let it go, banker-boy.”

Wonho kept staring at Minhyuk for a few more seconds, then got to his feet again with frustration visible on his face. “For the first time I don't know how to help you”, he whispered, his fist clenching around the little vial. “Minhyuk, I know you're going through a hard time but...don't stay like that, please. We need you back.”

He deliberately slammed his shoulder against mine when he left and I let out a sigh at how childish he was being. Jooheon stared after Wonho, glanced at Minhyuk with a helpless expression and then signaled me to follow him out of the bathroom into the corridor. “Do you think you can fix him?”

My throat went dry for some reason and I pressed my lips together, choosing my words carefully. “I was never good at fixing people. I'm more of a breaking type of guy.”

“Might be a good start though”, Jooheon retorted with a shrug, eyes now on me. “If you don't break something you can't rearrange the pieces. I know it's much to ask of you but we're waiting for this whole war thing to develop anyway. I have to go to uni, so, could you try to stay with Minhyuk for the time being? Kihyun and Changkyun will surely come back soon as well but, you know, as weird as it may sound you seem to have a different connection to Minhyuk. Would you do that?”

“Sounds like you're giving your daughter up for marriage”, I snorted before realizing what I had just said, burying my face in my hand when a weird feeling crept up my chest. “I'll try, whatever. It's getting late. You wanted to visit Shownu before heading home, didn't you?”

Jooheon sighed, a small and relieved smile deepening his dimples when he nodded. “I'll be off then. Don't mind Wonho. He usually is our expert when it comes to Minhyuk and not being able to help makes him frustrated. Sorry to leave it all to you but...yeah, stay strong. I'm going.”

He left and I went back into the bathroom to sit down in front of Minhyuk. Silence spread and I would have thought him to be asleep if his breathing hadn't sped up every now and then. He was thinking about something and couldn't get out of these thoughts, whatever they were. _How am I supposed to deal with someone's mental problems for fuck's sake?_ I carefully took his hands out of his hair, leaning him against the wall with a bad feeling in my stomach. He behaved like a puppet on the ropes.

I pushed his shoulders back and put a hand under his chin to force his head upwards when my heart clenched for a brief second. “Damn, you look like you came straight out of a horror movie.” There were bloodstains on the right half of his face, smudged by strokes of tears that had dried by then, but where did the blood come from? I glanced at his bleeding knee. _He must have smeared it on his face earlier_.

He really looked horrible and scary as fuck. His eyes were wide but hollow, staring at something only he could see, and I swallowed. Traumatized people were the most difficult to be around – I was an example myself. “Let's...let's get that blood off first, alright?” I didn't expect any reaction and just grabbed the washcloth and bucket from his room, starting from his knee and moving on to his face after a moment of hesitation.

It felt like I was taking care of a child – a really big one – and I simply didn't know what to say. It was somewhat similar to his breakdown at the convenience store some time ago and I thought that he must have remembered something from his past. I wouldn't know until he talked because I certainly wouldn't ask him about something that made him cry. Minhyuk didn't cry without a very good reason; didn't even lose his smile unless it was something really serious. I can't describe it well but it felt as though my heart was stinging as I removed the blood from his face.

“Do you want something to eat? It's late and you didn't have lunch”, I asked instead and he seemed to ponder on it for a while. “You know, I'm actually a horrible cook so...Something simple would be nice. How about scrambled eggs?” Minhyuk gave me the poor version of a nod and I nodded back. “Should I bring it upstairs?” Another nod. “Alright, but you need to go to your room, you can't stay in the bathroom.”

He started crawling towards the corridor on all fours, probably not trusting his legs anymore, and I left for the kitchen to prepare the dish in a hurry. This was going well – at least Minhyuk was giving me replies to yes or no questions – I had dealt with worse. I had been worse as well.

I placed the food in front of him on his bed and made sure he actually ate it before leaving the room again. He couldn't use my relentless stares right now, he had to be on his own for a while no matter what he might have remembered or not. I wanted to ask him so bad I had to bite my tongue every now and then. Wonho came back later that evening but didn't say a word and just went to his room, slamming the door shut. “He must feel helpless if he closes up like this”, I muttered to myself wondering where he had gone off to. “He talks about random stuff every other day...”

Nothing moved in the house for the next few hours and it had to be past midnight when I went to check on Minhyuk once more. He was still sitting on his bed with his eyes wide open and I entered the room with a sigh. “You should sleep. There's no use in staying awake, the memories will be there either way.” Minhyuk shook his head a little and I mirrored his action forcing him to lie down and pulling the blanket over him.

His eyes stared into mine for a while before his pale hands grabbed my shoulder. “I can't even go to my own room?” He shook his head once more and I exhaled quietly lying down on the bed as well but with some space between us. I couldn't take a closer proximity and he didn't seem to want it either. He just wanted someone near him to hold on to and I happened to be the only one available. “Wonho is sulky because you don't talk to him.” Minhyuk shook his head again for some reason I didn't understand; then his eyes turned empty again and he stared at nothing in particular through half-closed eyes.

I didn't fight my own sleepiness any longer and just squeezed his hand wondering how it was this easy for me to hold it all of a sudden. It had to be the fact that I had had Delphinium that day. I wouldn't even let him touch me twenty-four hours ago, it just had to be the drugs. “Wake me up if there is anything you want to talk about”, I muttered right before falling asleep.

 

He didn't wake me up. I didn't know if he had slept at all when I woke up to his stare the next morning. “Y-you're awake.” He shrugged. “Are you hungry?” He shook his head. “Anything you want to do?” He shook his head again and I could only sigh. “Then I'll go make myself something to eat, I'm hungry. Call if you need anything.” Minhyuk held on to my sleeve for a second but then let go with a slight nod. Had he gone mute? What was wrong with him?

Wonho was sitting at the table in the living room with his coffee and he looked up as soon as I entered the room. “Any news?”

“Nothing.”

The blond started chewing on his bottom lip with a nervous sigh. “Sorry for getting mad yesterday but it's just... Why does it feel like I lost him?” The pain in his voice caught me off guard and I furrowed my brows, signaling him to go on while resting a hand on the nearby armchair. “I wanted to protect him from everything. He's one of the purest people I've ever met so he's very fragile. I... He breaks pretty easily and I thought that I could just sustain his memory loss forever but now he suddenly doesn't let me anymore.” His fingers curled around the steaming coffee mug as he swallowed. “It was for his own best but he had none of that. I lost my little sunshine to you and it turned dark.”

“Me? Why me all of a sudden?”, I asked right away wondering if Wonho was in his right mind but he just shrugged.

“You've taken over my place because I was gone for too long. I just hope you do your best with him.”

My nails scraped over the armchair's rough cloth before I shook my head and went for the kitchen. “Why does everybody act like they're handing Minhyuk over to me? I can't do anything for him they can't, maybe even less, so what's with that?”, I muttered under my breath, pushing up my sleeves and pouring myself some cereal and milk. I ate in the kitchen as I didn't want to talk to Wonho any more than necessary but curiosity got the better of me and I went to ask him about his little girl and how she was doing once again.

“She's good. Why?”

“Well, it's nothing major apart from...the whole war thing, maybe?”, I scoffed with my mouth full. “You should just take her and run if she's that important, seriously. We would find someplace for her to stay in this house.”

“I don't know if I'll be able to be by her side during this war either so I'd rather have her around the other women over there who definitely won't leave to fight”, he only shrugged in reply and I fell silent, going to my room with a nod as I didn't know what to reply. Wonho was right. If we actually started running towards the front lines we would have to leave this place behind. Getting his girl out of the brothel seemed to be legit at first but the more I thought about it the more I agreed with his opinion. War would tear us apart sooner or later, no matter what I had promised Minhyuk or any of the other guys. We'd be more likely to survive if we split up and that was one of the saddest things coming to my mind at that moment.

Time passed quickly with me thinking about all the shit going on in our lives and Kihyun and Changkyun came home early in the afternoon after having visited Shownu. It would only take about two more days for him to recover completely and they got ready to discharge him already it seemed.

Wonho gave them a short summary of the overall situation and I listened in silence. “I knew he was gonna do this sooner or later”, Kihyun mumbled but Wonho shrugged.

“He did it before. It was hopeless so we drugged him again and made sure he stayed that way.”

“That's not an option anymore, who knows how his body will react to this always changing input of chemicals?”, Kihyun muttered, hobbling up the stairs. “I'll go and try to get something out of him. Stay put.”

It took him fifteen minutes to give up and come back down to us with a frown on his face. Something seemed to bother him and Wonho didn't miss the weird look in the other's eyes either. “What's on your mind?”

“It's the way he just stares at things without ever bothering to move. He stared at his empty pillow this whole time but still gave me replies in the form of nods or shakes of his head. It reminds me of...It reminds me of the army.”

I inhaled sharply and sat up straight. The thought had crossed my mind as well. It was a thing I had observed after I had already turned heartless. Minhyuk was like the people who came back from their first missions. The ones who had either witnessed or caused a kill. “It's his conscience, right? Like he feels guilty because of something; a trauma of some sort?”

Kihyun blinked at me in surprise but nodded. “Trauma. Exactly my thought. He's in shock because of something he has seen or done. He hasn't been part of a military force before, has he?”

“No, never. Fighting doesn't suit him.” Wonho's jaw tensed for a split second but he only shook his head with a blank expression without speaking on. He knew something, I was sure of it, but why wouldn't he tell us? _Looks like I need to find out for myself._ Maybe it was his mother he remembered. His mother that had thrown herself off some building. There wasn't much I knew from his babbling from when he was high, it had to be about her death in some way. I wouldn't know until he told me and I started nibbling at my thumb, lost in thought.

“I guess I'll stay here for the night to see if he gets better tomorrow”, Kihyun mumbled and it was only then that I noticed how it was already four in the afternoon. Minhyuk hadn't eaten all day.

“Kihyun, do you know what Minhyuk likes to eat? He should be hungry and I'm not very good at cooking, so...”

“Say no more, I got this”, he replied, obviously glad to help in some way when he started ordering Changkyun around before he had even set foot into the kitchen.

I was given a plate filled with rice, meat in soy sauce and a variety of vegetables only half an hour later. It looked so fancy I knew I'd never be able to recreate it. “Go and give that to him, I don't really know what he likes best so I just made a bit of everything”, Kihyun explained while practically shooing me out of the room. The good smell spread through the whole house as I made my way to the room and I put the plate down on Minhyuk's desk before turning to him.

He really hadn't moved, was just the same as I had left him in the morning, and I grabbed him by the elbow to sit him up and lean him against the wall and then forced the plate of food into his hands. “Kihyun cooked for you. Eat up, you must be hungry.”

And he really started eating. I watched in relief when he mixed the different foods with his chopsticks and ate without hesitation. _At least he's not trying to starve himself to death._ “Shownu is likely to be discharged in two days”, I mumbled, looking out of the window to watch a flock of birds fly across the sky. “Jooheon and I are checking the situation at the moment but we'll probably go down to Ulsan if it keeps going on like this. After we got Shownu back, of course.”

Minhyuk's tempo slowed down a little while I kept talking about whatever came to my mind. I felt like he had to be kept up to date and just voiced whatever came to my mind. “Kihyun told me Changkyun doesn't like soy sauce earlier. I couldn't believe such people exist-” I saw how he lowered the plate from the corner of my eyes, turning my head towards him again. “I know you didn't eat up yet, Kihyun will get- Oh.”

Tears. Again. They were forming in his eyes as the chopsticks fell onto the plate with a metallic sound and I was quick to take it and put it aside. _Why is he crying? Did I say something wrong?_ “Hyungwon”, Minhyuk blubbered out and my eyes widened at his voice that had turned rough from crying and not talking.

“Talk to me. What's wrong?”

“I-” A few dry sobs shook his body before he ran a hand across his face, shielding his eyes from me. “I think I killed my mom.”

It took me a moment to let his words sink in and I grabbed his arms on both sides in concern as he moved as if to hide from me. “I don't think I understand”, I whispered and my heart skipped a beat when he finally stopped fighting back and buried himself in my shoulder instead. I swallowed hard, licking my lips as my eyes darted around the room in helplessness. “I'll repeat myself. Talk to me, Minhyuk. Please, it will help.”

Why did I even want to help? The soft bundle sobbing in my arms had my heart clench every now and then and again I couldn't help seeing Sangwon in him, back when he had defended himself against a bigger guy.

“ _What if he's hurt? What if he died?”_

_I patted his back, unable to suppress a smile. He was so sensitive. “He won't die from a few bruises, you should actually have done more, you know?”_

Minhyuk clawed at my shirt and tried to calm down by taking long and deep breaths. His voice was quiet, barely audible and pretty weak. “H-how did you do this?”

“Do what?”

“It's only one death for me. But you...you said you...” Minhyuk's voice trailed off again and I pressed my lips together before rubbing soothing circles on his back. I didn't believe he would harm, let alone kill anyone.

“Tell me what happened first.”

“I killed my mom”, he repeated through clattering teeth but I shook my head.

“I still don't believe you, I can't, you wouldn't do that. What makes you think so?”

“I-I...” He swallowed hard, his nails digging into the skin beneath my shirt by then and I kept my eyes fixed on his white hair. “I was a horrible son.”

 

________________

 

Images were shooting through my brain. Images, sentences, sounds, smells. All of them clashed and created pure chaos. I had spent a day trying to put them in order, had cried and whined as soon as I was left alone. It wasn't even the impact of my mother's death that had me shut down completely, it was the knowledge of all the memories I had done without for years. All these things I had never really forgotten but never remembered either. All these things that made me...me.

I had built myself a new life through Monsta X and the Clan. Had created a cheerful and happy self because something inside of me told me I must never be sad. And suddenly I knew where that voice had come from. When Hyungwon talked about all these more or less random things – Shownu's condition, his own plans, Changkyun's damn eating habits – it all broke out of me.

I knew he had to be afraid of how I was clinging to him but I couldn't help it. I wanted to have something to hold on to, needed someone who would listen without judgment and Hyungwon was just...He was just perfect. I had listened to him, now it was time to switch roles. I closed my eyes and let myself fall into my memories before I could turn back.

 

_My family was normal. I had a father, a mother, no siblings. My father went to fight alongside some colleagues, back when China's invasion had only just started six years ago. He fought bravely, defended himself against various soldiers and became a valuable ally. At least that's what he told us when he got home after a month, bruises all over his skin that was crusty with dried blood. He became some sort of an idol to me; an idol covered in dark red blood._

_The next time he went to fight, he didn't come back. My mother asked around but nobody had seen him ever since he had been taken hostage. They all thought the same thing: He wouldn't survive. I couldn't believe what they said, didn't allow myself to think that I had lost my father without ever being able to say good-bye to him. My mother wanted me to keep going to school, tried to keep our life going, tried to pretend that she didn't spend sleepless nights crying over her husband's death._

_But I couldn't do that. I rarely showed up for class, the other kids pitying me for the loss of my father._ But he isn't dead,  _I repeated to myself every time they made a stupid remark. It got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore and started to fight for my father and his honor. He was more than a lame victim of the invasion. He was a hero that could come back at any time. He was my fucking father after all._ He isn't dead. He isn't dead.

_I didn't go home very often. Didn't want to watch my mother shed tears over someone who wasn't dead. She didn't do anything to keep me there either so I only went there to eat, couldn't stand my mother's worrying glances. I was not interested in how she managed to keep us going or how she earned money. It was one of the worries only adults have. All I did was wait for my father's return in anticipation._

_Then one day, a classmate started picking on me because my mother was said to have become a slut. “What's it like to have a new man in your house every day?”, some of them sneered but I didn't understand. I got mad and started more fights but the rumors didn't subside. It was infuriating. My mother would never do that. I would prove them wrong._

_I decided to spy on my mother for one day, pretending to go to school when actually I was crouching behind the trash cans on the opposite side of our house. All of this just to prove some rumors wrong. I waited for two hours when suddenly a man I had never seen before rang our doorbell and was let in in an instant. My mother never opened the door when I was home and she had always told me not to open it either. It was more than suspicious though I couldn't quite believe it._

_One hour. Then the man left. It wasn't until shortly before I'd usually come home that a second man appeared._

_One hour. Then he left._

_She saw him off at the door and I clenched my hands into fists, rising to my feet to walk up to our doorstep and stop a few meters away. My mother's expression changed upon seeing me, a hand coming up to her mouth in shock when I shook my dark hair out of my face. I didn't want to believe that her eyes were wide, her hair a mess and her lips slightly swollen. But I couldn't deny what I saw._

“ _You betrayed dad”, I whispered coldly, nails digging into the palms of my hands to leave crescent-shaped imprints behind._

“ _Minhyuk, dear, no, you don't understand. This must be a misunderstanding-”_

“ _What the fuck is there to misunderstand?!”, I yelled with my voice echoing from the tall buildings surrounding us. My face was burning, hell, my whole body was when I started shaking my head. “You gave yourself to other men because you couldn't wait for dad to come home. Is that it?”_

“ _No, Minhyuk.” Her eyes were sad, slowly filling with tears when my glare kept piercing her. “I love your father”, she whispered but I was having none of that. I was mad, bullheaded and childish._

“ _You give yourself to other men and expect me to believe what you just said? Do you even know what you're saying?”_

“ _How am I supposed to keep you alive then?”, she shouted back, the tears finally streaming down her face when she held on to the door with trembling hands. “There's nothing else I can do to take care of you. Why won't you understand, Minhyuk, that I'm doing this for you?”_

“ _What did you_ ever _do for me?!” I let out a huff, clenching my teeth. “Ever since dad went away you've done nothing but sit around and cry! Oh, and you obviously threw yourself into the arms of other men. When did you ever think about me? Talk to me about how shitty school is going? Hear me defend you in front of my classmates?”_

“ _I always thought about you, how could I have known-”_

“ _You know what? I don't want to listen to this any longer. You betrayed me. Betrayed dad. And if you can't give your love to dad anymore then I'm no longer your son. Don't bother finding a way to 'take care' of me.”_

“ _Don't say that, I told you I love-”_

“ _Bullshit! My father will-”_

“ _Your father is dead, Minhyuk!”_

_Silence spread during which I could only stare at the woman in front of me in disbelief. Excuses. Lies. I didn't want to believe her. I simply couldn't believe her. My father was a hero. He would come back soon but his wife would be a mere shadow of what she had been before. It was disappointing. I shook my head._

“ _Don't expect me to come back anymore,_ mother _.” I turned on my heels and dashed into the next street with her cries following me._ Get away from that traitor, no matter where you land.

 

_I slept over at Changjung's place. I knew Shownu from class and he was the closest I had to a friend. They tried to convince me of going back to my mother because I knew I had been wrong, knew I had no right to judge her, but I was too proud._

_Two long weeks had to pass until Shownu's pleading finally got through to me. I grabbed my keys and made my way to our house that looked just like on the day I had left it behind. I was worried. How do you apologize to your mother after saying you would no longer be her son? Shownu had come along and we were supposed to meet up with his neighborhood friend Jooheon once I was done with this. I had to wrap this up quickly, didn't want him to wait._

_I swallowed when I pushed the door open. “Mom?” No reply. I tried again but there was not a sound to be heard. I checked the kitchen seeing a pot of fried rice on the hearth with a note next to it. “Eat up, my son”, I read the words with a frown, finding the pot to be almost completely cold. Almost. Wherever my mother had gone off to it couldn't have been more than half an hour since she had left the house._

_I went into the living room where a few pieces of paper were lying on the dining table. I stepped closer, finding one of them to be a photo of us. All three of us. Twelve-year-old me, my mother and my father smiling happily into the camera but my mother's face was scratched out with a pen. I then noticed the small piece of folded paper next to it and picked it up with a bad feeling in my gut. Another note._

 

_Minhyuk, my dear._

_You were all I had left._

_If you happen to read this, please know that I really only did these things for you._

_You'll be my son forever, no matter what you say._

_Live well, my son. And do it without looking back._

 

_I frowned at my mother's shaky handwriting before letting my eyes wander across the room. What did this mean? Shownu cocked his head to the side when I approached him with the note buried in my hoodie's pocket. “That was fast.”_

“ _She wasn't there. Let's...let's just meet up with Jooheon.”_

_I couldn't stop myself from glancing back at the house a few more times, couldn't stop myself from feeling anxious for some reason. And I would soon find out why._

_Jooheon ran towards us long before we could reach our meeting point, his face red from sprinting for a long time. “Minhyuk! Shit, your mom! She-”_

“ _What's with her?” The alarms went off in my head but Jooheon just grabbed my wrist and dragged me down the street, breaking out into another run though he must have been at his very limit already. “Jooheon...what's...wrong?”, I panted and his eyes were twice their usual size when he glanced back at me._

“ _She wants to jump.”_

 

_I stood at the foot of the tall building and couldn't believe what I saw. Jooheon had been right. “Mom!” The bystanders stopped their talks and shouts to look at me in shock – or was it pity? “Mom, wait!” I could barely make out her face from this far away but I knew she had to be crying and entered the building in a hurry, running up the stairs like my life depended on it – no, more like that of my mother._

_I reached the roof with few to zero oxygen left in my lungs and fell to my knees when I saw her figure behind the banister. “Mom, no!”_

_She turned around with a smile that looked awfully grotesque and out of place on the face that was screaming pain. “Minhyuk? I get to see you once more. What a relief.”_

_Her voice was barely audible and I got to my feet in a hurry, breathing heavily. “I didn't mean to- shit, Mom, come back here! What the fuck are you thinking?”_

“ _I have nothing left.”_

“ _You have me. Are you fucking listening? Listen to your damn son! I was wrong, come back! Come on, it's easy. One step at a time, take my hand!” My voice cracked for what felt like the millionth time and I stepped closer to the banister with my hand reaching out for her._

“ _I don't deserve you. You were right. I didn't do anything for you. I thought I did but those were lies.”_

“ _They weren't lies, mom, they weren't. You did more than enough”, I panted through clattering teeth._

_She shook her head. “I stored your money under the sofa. Put it to good use.”_

“ _It's your money._ You _need to spend it, I'm just some idiot how could I spend money well? Please, don't do this to me-”_

“ _Minhyuk.” I was about three meters away from her now, watching as a new wave of tears rolled down her cheeks. “I love you.”_

_And she let go. But her words asked me to hold on._

_And I started running. But her hand was just out of reach by the time I got to the banister._

_And I screamed. But what good can words do?_

_And I watched. But watching is a bad habit of humankind._

_It was the day I lost my mother. The day I killed her._

_The day I thought I would never forget._

 

________________

 

I watched Minhyuk as he tried to collect his thoughts; tried to tell me what had happened back then. The more words came out of him the more I could see where his story was headed and I swallowed several times. “It's-”, he tried to wrap his story up but got interrupted by a sob. “It's nothing compared to...to your story. I know th-that, but-”

“Don't compare anything to me.” I grabbed his wrists upon remembering what Wonho had said: _Believe me when I tell you that he's not strong_. Minhyuk had been pretty damn strong. I wondered how much Wonho actually knew. Watching your own mother die after a few reckless remarks of your own wasn't a simple everyday accident. Many people had killed themselves upon believing there was nothing left when in reality every death left something behind. Or someone.

Minhyuk must have felt like a crybaby compared to my story of sadness, darkness and failure but I admired him for how things had played out. “I'm the worst it can get, so please don't compare anything to me”, I repeated with a poor smile that was originally meant to cheer him up but he only started sobbing again. _I don't want to be left behind._ But he had already been left. “You didn't kill her. She killed herself.”

“Because of what I said. B-because I got mad. Because I w-was delusional.”

“Nobody could know this would happen-”  
“I _should_ have known!” Minhyuk interrupted me feverishly, fingers clawing at my sleeves and I decided to move to pull him closer. His face collided with my collarbone and I could feel hot tears on my skin as I held my breath. He needed this. _Breathe steadily, Hyungwon._ “I should have known. Should have held on.”

“She loved you 'til the very last moment”, I whispered as I patted his back reassuringly. “I don't think she would want you to blame yourself for anything. You survived. It should rather make her proud.”

“Proud?”, he repeated bitterly painfully digging his nails into my arms. “Proud of her dealer son who couldn't even do that right? What is there to be proud of?”

“She must be proud of her son who found people who care about him like she should have. Must be proud of his strong desire to live. Must be proud of how he looks out for the people he heals and endangers at the same time by means of a simple flower. At least I would be proud to have a considerate son like that. You're not just a random dealer who is only in for the money.”

I was moving into a dangerous zone for myself, saying these things while holding him tightly, but to be very honest: I couldn't have cared less. All I wanted was to cheer him up. And looking back at that now makes me wonder how I didn't realize many things much earlier.

“You would be?”, Minhyuk whispered quietly and I hummed, swallowing my doubts in a hurry.

“The more I get to know the more I am already.” _Dangerous. What the fuck are you thinking? Back off. Retreat._ I cleared my throat and a little uncertain smile showed on my lips. “You know, I actually thought you were just a greedy dealer at first. Remember our first few encounters?”

Whether Minhyuk noticed my intended change of topic or not I couldn't tell but he took a few deep breaths before nodding. I continued in all honesty. “You were talking in riddles smiling like an idiot and were pretty damn annoying. Who would have thought that I'd end up pouring out my heart to you?” I let out a chuckle that soon subsided when the truth of my own words hit me. _What are you doing with yourself? Are you an idiot?_

I coughed and stopped talking for a while, not wanting to evoke any more unwanted memories in me, so I just sat there while Minhyuk clung to me like a scared monkey baby. I was just wondering if he would go all mute again even now after he had told me about the root of his problems when he swallowed audibly.

“Thank you.”

I sighed, actually allowing myself to close my eyes for a few moments. “Everyone would have listened.”

“I feel like Wonho tried before in some way”, he whispered, shaking his head on my shoulder. “He couldn't calm me down then and they drugged me again. Like a patient in a mental institution.”

“Maybe they saw no other option so they had to.”

“But you didn't.”

I looked down at him with my eyes half-closed and pressed my lips together before sighing. “I didn't.”

Neither of us asked why.

'Why' always is the most difficult question after all.

 

I don't know how much time passed until I could move away but it was only when Minhyuk fell asleep on my shoulder that I finally managed to remove my arms from his iron grip, deep red imprints to be found on them. I lay him down and carefully pulled the blanket over him, feeling his temperature. He was still having a slight fever but it was nothing compared to the day before. That aside his arms were all red and cluttered with scratch marks that had me frown. The lack of Delphinium must have caused his skin to itch, I knew that reaction very well myself. We'd have to take care of that once he woke up again but all in all I grew somewhat confident. He would make it. Like he had always made it.

I stretched my limbs and quietly tiptoed out of his room. As much as I wanted to stay by his side to make sure he wasn't closing up again I still needed to put some space between us. Our physical contact had skyrocketed during the past days and I had to hold back to not run away without warning every time. He was an emotional wreck but so was I.

I walked into the kitchen and poured myself a glass of water I downed in one go but it didn't help. My body was burning up without a corresponding logical reason. “I heard his sobs”, Wonho's voice sounded behind me and I flinched, feeling caught for no reason. He was leaning against the door frame, eyes on the ground and arms crossed in front of his chest. “What happened?”

_He couldn't calm me down and then they drugged me again._ Wonho hadn't confronted Death before it seemed; that was why he couldn't understand Minhyuk for once. I put my glass down with a now composed expression. “He said he remembered. Told me his story and, well...It was a sobbing mess.”

“So he _did_ remember. You...what did you do?”

I heard the uncertainty in his voice; a rarely heard and very faint note. “I understood him. I can't describe it, okay? It just worked for some reason and he fell asleep a short while ago.”

Wonho chewed on his bottom lip, teeth digging into the soft flesh. “I'm sorry for my behavior. I...I didn't think there was any other way.”

“I know. I didn't either.” I pushed past him after downing another glass of water, turned the radio on and sat down next to our orphans. “Thanks for cooking. He ate most of it.”

“The least we could do”, Kihyun replied casually, a fond smile on his lips. “You're listening to a Chinese radio station even after heroically conquering a tower to bring a Korean one to life? It was hopeless but you turned the tides and here you are listening to stuff nobody understands.”

“They are more up to date”, I mumbled before stopping in surprise. “Who told you about what happened?”

Changkyun smiled at Wonho who was still standing by the door to the kitchen. “Wonho told us what you told him before. You were quite cool.” The blond huffed and left for his room in a hurry, causing me to actually smile a little.

“Wonho did?”

“He looked quite impressed, we didn't think you had it in you since you weigh nothing.”

“Indeed”, Kihyun agreed in a hurry. “You need to eat more.”

“Wait, where did that come from?”, I interfered with a frown but my smile didn't waver as Kihyun started ranting about the importance of balanced meals, expressing his worry for my physical health.

I glanced at the ceiling where I suspected Wonho's room to be, trying to imagine him talking about my part in the radio tower raid. It made me a little happy to have my doings acknowledged.

It made me feel worth being talked about.

And it made Wonho look a little less salty.

 

I spent hours just listening to the news on the radio but there were only calls to action from the army. Still the lack of information made me confident. They had no achievements to talk about. America's troops seemed to be doing a good job.  _We'll be free soon._

Minhyuk slept through the night, indicating that he hadn't slept the previous one when I had been in his room. I knocked on his door early in the morning right after the sun had risen to find him sitting on the windowsill. “Morning.” He turned his head towards me with a soft smile but didn't say anything else. “What are you doing?”

Minhyuk's eyes fixed on the colorful sky on the other side of the glass. “Nothing much.”

_He's still talking._ I stepped closer, leaning against the wall by the window. “You like sunrises?”

“Kind of.” He shrugged and rested his chin on his knees. “All the colors. All the light. It's so peaceful.”

I made a face, burying my hands in my pockets. “I like white more.” My eyes were on his hair in the blink of an eye and he noticed as well, swallowing audibly. “Too many colors create chaos. I like simplicity.”

“You think so?” I nodded, leaving it at that and we watched as the colors faded and the sky turned a grayish blue. Funny how much of a spectacle that glowing ball called sun could create and how much depended on it.

“You want some breakfast?”

“No. I feel like I'd throw up.”

“Want to go downstairs anyway?”

Minhyuk chewed on the inside of his cheek for a few seconds. “Wonho was so mad.”

“He was just worried. We all were.”

“I-I'd just rather not go.”

I sighed, ruffling his white hair in passing. “I'll bring you something to eat around noon. You need to eat, no matter what. Call if you-”

“-if I need something. Yeah, I know, thanks as always”, he interrupted me with that soft look from before that had me hesitate for a moment. But then my brain chimed in again and I shook my head with a helpless sneer, leaving the room.

“As always. Of course.”

 

Things went well with everyone leaving Minhyuk alone and me bringing him some food, talking about random stuff and then leaving again. Wonho went to see his little girl announcing that he'd be back the next day. I was sure he wanted to put some distance between himself and Minhyuk but I didn't quite know why.

However, it was late in the afternoon of the following day when Changkyun came barging into the house with Jooheon in tow. “Hyungwon! Hyungwon here?”

I looked up from my newspaper in surprise. “What is it?”

Changkyun let himself fall onto the sofa with a dramatic sigh, panting from the long run, and Jooheon held on to the backrest for support. “We know where Shownu is. What...what do we do?”

My mind immediately went to work, following the simple steps I had memorized throughout my life.  _Get in, find the target, take out threats, secure what's needed and leave with as few victims as possible._ Easy. Yeah. Considering I needed to break into a police station or something the like. “How many officers are there?”

Changkyun rolled over before sitting up with another deep breath. “Not sure but we saw seven. It's a bigger precinct two hours away but there were pretty few officers in sight. They said he'd be transferred to a real prison in a few days. Don't know, is that good or bad?”

My eyes darted around the room, watching invisible plans unfold with a frown. “They must think the actual war down south is more important”, I whispered to myself with a nod, then raised my voice for the other two to hear. “I need to get in as a visitor. Can you divert some of their attention? It would be bad to take them on with just the three of us...Something really big that gets them out of there would be great.”

Our youngest raised his brow at me. “Who do you think you're talking to? Hyun and I do stuff like that on a regular basis, leave it to us. I'll upgrade my distraction game, give me a moment to think of something.”

I wondered whether this fact was actually good or bad but decided not to comment on it when I finally noticed someone was missing. “Speaking of whom...Where did you leave Kihyun?”

The two guys flashed me sheepish smiles and apologetic expressions. “He should be here in, don't know, ten minutes?”, Jooheon shrugged. “We ran ahead and, yeah, that's that.”

“You left Kihyun behind just to tell me you knew where Shownu was? Wow.” I rose to my feet and shook my head before walking up to them to flick their foreheads with a sigh. “You could have waited, you know? We won't act today anyway. We don't have a plan.”

“He was so slow!”, Changkyun whined with a pout. “And what do you mean 'we don't have a plan'? We go there, punch a few officers and get him out. They always do that in those gangster movies they show at the orphanage.”

“You- what?”, I replied in disbelief. “Even those things are planned carefully. I need some time and more information to think this through. We'll go tomorrow if Minhyuk is okay with it.”

“I'll be fine.”

The three of us froze for a brief second before spinning around with wide eyes. Minhyuk was crouching by the stairs in an oversized sweater and baggy pants that somehow made him look like a small and lost child. I blinked, licking my lips as I stepped closer. “You will be fine?”

He returned my gaze with confidence, nodding while holding on to the railing. “We need Shownu back. I won't lose him because I'm not fine. And I'll come along.”

“What? You- No.” I shook my head with my teeth clenched. “I don't know what will happen and if you-”

“I won't fucking stay here. You said I wouldn't be left behind.”

His voice was so firm and so serious that it had me halt. He was right. I couldn't deny that leaving him in the house on his own would go against my previous statements. I had assured him Monsta X would do things together, told him that he wouldn't be alone. When I had told him about my trauma just a couple days prior I had needed space. Minhyuk needed warmth and care.  _Great._ “Are you sure?”

“One hundred percent.” He didn't hesitate and tried not to show his fear but I knew he was scared. And even though he was scared he put others first. What was important was our team. Minhyuk had to grow stronger to keep up and he bravely did, coming to terms with himself in a matter of days. _Your mother would, no,_ must _be really really proud._

I nodded with a reassuring smile, looking up at the poor jitterbug on the staircase.

“Alright then. We'll all go together.”

 


	26. Danger is a matter of circumstance

“Are you, like, one hundred percent sure this will work?” Jooheon asked for what seemed to be the hundredth time and Changkyun rolled his eyes with a sigh.

“I told you, I know my stuff. I won't half-ass things when we're about to break into a police station-thingy.”

Kihyun nodded. “Right, I never thought stealing was good for him but seeing how it will be useful now, I'm actually glad I didn't throw those masks away.”

I walked shortly behind them with a slight smile though it didn't lessen my tension. I looked at the mask in my hands, an ugly white thing with holes for the eyes and mouth in it. Better than nothing, I didn't want any camera to catch my face or I'd lose all of my spy privileges. Who knew if they could still be of use later, I couldn't give such a valuable trait up for nothing.

Minhyuk was being carried by Jooheon at the moment, the younger insisting on it when Minhyuk had started growing tired after an hour. Yes, he had been much better when we headed out but that didn't change the fact that he was feverish. I hadn't wanted him to tag along but he wouldn't let it go no matter what I said so I was glad Jooheon had offered to give him a piggyback ride.

“You know, these masks are pretty ugly”, Wonho chimed in with a pout on his face only to get hit by Kihyun's crutch and I directed my gaze towards the blond, thinking of the previous evening.

_We were sitting around the table after dinner, all five of us planning how to get Shownu out of his cell. Minhyuk was avoiding the topic of his memories at all cost but the other three didn't press it either so things were going well when the door opened and five pairs of eyes landed on Wonho. A few moments passed during which he just blinked at Minhyuk before he dashed forward almost stumbling over the furniture to get to him. “Minhyuk, oh my God”, he just uttered before pulling the white-haired guy to his feet and enclosing him in a tight hug. “I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't know what...I-I didn't think...”_

_His voice trailed off and I watched as Minhyuk closed his eyes, leaning into the hug for a moment. “I'm fine.”_

“ _That's a lie.”_

“ _Do me a favor and believe it.”_

_Another short silence emitted during which not even Changkyun dared to say a thing until Wonho took a deep breath and broke away from Minhyuk with a smile that screamed fake. “If that's what you want me to do. Don't...Don't bury yourself again. I need my sunflower.”_

_Minhyuk stroked the hair out of Wonho's face and nodded. “Sure. But now sit down, we need your help.”_

Wonho was all in for our plan the moment I said we'd get Shownu out of prison and that's how it was now all six of us walking down the streets during the last two hours of sunlight. Every time I got to witness what Wonho was like around the other Monsta X members I felt like I was wronging him. He wasn't just the flirt he pretended to be, wasn't some psycho sadist who enjoyed breaking people with anxieties like me, no. Deep down in his heart he was a lump of uncertainty and worry just like each and every single one of us.

According to Kihyun we were only about twenty minutes away from the station and he and Changkyun separated from our group for a while to go to the nearest stores and get what they needed for our plan after giving us further way instructions. Jooheon let Minhyuk down upon his order and the latter stretched his limbs. “I could have walked on my own.”

“You could have blacked out on your own”, Jooheon retorted in a mocking tone causing Minhyuk to sigh with a shake of his head.

I glanced at him. “You sure you're okay?”

“I'm better”, he replied casually but his eyes didn't allow any further questioning and I pressed my lips together, massaging my temples.

“Okay, so, about the plan-”

“You and Jooheon get in, Kihyun observes from a safe distance because of his leg, Wonho, Changkyun and I cause the distraction once the two get back with the cans. Easy and not worth another explanation”, Minhyuk recited with a smug grin that had me close my eyes with a sigh.

“I just don't want anything to go wrong, okay? This is somewhat like when- Ah, never mind.”

“Let me guess: Sangwon? Yeah, I thought so”, he replied but changed the topic upon seeing Wonho's and Jooheon's confused faces. “Now, what shall we paint on the walls? Any ideas?”

Jooheon kicked the gravel with his hands buried in his pockets. “Something that goes against China, anything is fine.”

“Something beautiful, not just random swearwords, please”, Wonho mentioned and they talked amongst each other until Changkyun came out of an alley all of a sudden, carrying two big milky plastic canisters with his mask still on. Kihyun soon followed behind with a bunch of smaller metal cans in his backpack.

“Everything clear?”, I asked and they both nodded.

Wonho was quick to take one of the canisters lifting it like it weighed nothing and we walked for five more minutes until Changkyun said we were almost there. “We'll have to split up now.”

I agreed and switched over to my more serious and calculating mode while Kihyun gave his bag to Changkyun. “Alright, you know the plan. If anything goes wrong, retreat. We will manage somehow and Kihyun will do his best to warn us if possible. Any questions left?” They all shook their heads and I took a deep breath before smiling at them. “Alright then. Give them hell.”

 

________________

 

I can't say I wasn't nervous but what overpowered my worries was how fascinating Hyungwon was when he was getting down to business. It was like I went back in time to when we had first met and it made me realize just how much he had changed in the few months he had spent with us. Calculating Hyungwon looked deadly and though it was meant to be intimidating I was happy. Happy about the fact that he was trying to plan this out so that nobody could be harmed. I knew he didn't like falling back into military patterns but he did it anyway. Because we, all of Monsta X, were worth making use of his skills.

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it for a moment with my eyes sending him signals that I would be fine and he shouldn't be worried as damn much, then we separated leaving me with Wonho and Changkyun.

The prior had apologized for wanting to drug me and the way he said it made clear how bad of a conscience he had. I forgave him. I would probably have been the same, hell, I couldn't even explain why I talked to Hyungwon about everything in the first place, it was a mystery of its own.

I wasn't back to my smiling self yet, didn't know if I could even return to that now that I remembered everything, but I was much better than before. The images were still shocking, images I had replayed for four days now but I clung to my newfound courage. I had other family members. Six of them. Monsta X was all I had needed for years, why should I let my memories change that fact? I could go on as long as they were by my side and I would do anything to protect them because they'd do the same for me.

Changkyun still had his mask on and I watched as Wonho pulled his over his head before doing the same. It was time. The youngest glanced over at us with a sneer. “Alright, they _do_ look ridiculous.”

“Told you, you idiot.”

“Guys, focus, please”, I stopped them right away, blinking the dizziness out of my mind when Changkyun gave me two of the metal cans they had bought – or stolen, I wouldn't know. A grin broke out on my face upon seeing white and some purplish blue. _I like white more. I like simplicity_ , Hyungwon's voice randomly echoed in my head and I shook mine to get my thoughts back on track. “Okay. One of the canisters needs to go into the the building next door.”

“I'll do that, I have the most strength”, Wonho mumbled and Changkyun nodded in approval, watching the older head out.

I chewed on my lower lip with a swallow. “Be careful. It burns really well and-”

“I know fire is hot”, he laughed to put us at ease, “but I'm hotter.”

I rolled my eyes, glad to have him around. It wouldn't have been the same without Wonho and I watched him leave through a dark side alley, the sun having almost set by then. We waited for five minutes just like Hyungwon had said and then stored the second canister behind a corner before heading towards the backside of the police station. It wasn't a prison, there were no guards on the outside but I could see the cameras observing everything that was going on.

Changkyun and I exchanged another glance, then we shook our cans and started spraying. _Anything will be fine. Just make sure some of them are already outside when the fire starts next door. Run and hide as soon as they get too close._ I nodded to myself reciting Hyungwon's instructions and started spraying to my heart's content, creating a blue flower with white snowflakes falling down.

I then glanced over at Changkyun who had chosen the colors red and black for himself and my eyes widened in surprise to see the beautiful and curvy letters he had written. Suddenly a bunch of loud voices could be heard from our left and we spun around to see people in black uniforms run towards us. Changkyun was in a hurry to finish his masterpiece with a simple black 'X' on the window before grabbing me by the wrist and running off into the darkening streets.

I stumbled for a while but then caught myself and ran behind him with determination. I could do this. My headache was nothing that could stop me, I had a strong will. “We need to take a turn!”, I panted, throwing a glance over my shoulder in slight panic. “We need to get them to the house!”

“I know, okay?”, Changkyun shouted back with a steady voice as though he wasn't running at top speed. _I wonder how often he does this?_ “Left on my command! Three, two...Now!”

I almost broke my neck trying to keep up with him when he took a sharp left into a narrow alley and cursed under my breath. “There's something called 'one' in case you didn't know.”

“My bad”, he replied without really sounding sorry and I was about to say something else when he locked gazes with me. “You go right and hide behind the trash cans. Count to ten, then go get the second canister. Are you alright?” I nodded as there was no air left to reply and he grinned as he looked over his shoulder. “Alright, good luck! Don't mess up!”

“Don't get caught!”, I shouted back when I was shoved into the an alley at the next corner pressing myself against the wall and hiding behind said trash cans a moment later. Changkyun's steps went away and were soon followed by the trampling of three pairs of heavy army boots, leaving me to go grab the canister we had left a few streets down. I halted, taking off my mask and pulling my black hood over my white hair before making a thin line of gasoline on the street leading from a side alley to the police station. Then, after making sure I hadn't sprinkled any of the stuff on me or my clothes, I took out the matches, directing my face towards the buildings behind the station. Then I waited.

 

________________

 

“A fire! A fire broke out!”, the voice of some Chinese officer howled and Jooheon cracked his knuckles with a satisfied smile.

“He sounds desperate.”

“They noticed the fire”, I translated with a quiet voice, watching as many officers exited the building in a hurry to get to the house just around the corner. “Let's go.”

With most of the estimated people gone it was more than easy to get into the facility. That white mask was uncomfortable but I wouldn't complain about something so trivial. I could see, that was all that counted. We lay low as three more police officers could be seen sitting at their desks in worry. The uproar on the outside was so loud they didn't even notice how Jooheon and I had entered the building, crouching behind some cardboard boxes that were filled with unread files.

I counted from one to three with my fingers, then nodded and we both jumped up with loud screams to shock them. It worked, I was by one of the stunned officers' side and threw him to the ground in a matter of seconds before moving on to the second who had regained his composure in the short time. We exchanged a few punches and I was distracted by Jooheon groaning painfully for a second, my attention directing elsewhere. He was doing his best, defending himself against his opponent's punches and I grew confident in his skills; he would manage.

The Chinese guy used my moment of distraction to land a good punch on my jaw, then another one at eye level. I tasted blood in my mouth and thought about how much Minhyuk would scold me for getting hurt this time with a roll of my eyes.

I switched over to the technique most people had believed to have given me the nickname 'turtle'. If someone's coming after you, before your weaknesses are exposed you attack them first. That's how you survive, they say. But a turtle isn't like that. A turtle has a thick shell. A turtle waits.

I let myself be thrown to the ground by the guard, let him kick me for a while with the patience of more than four years of training. It hurt but I knew he wasn't trained for close combat, he just couldn't use his gun because they probably wanted me alive to punish me in front of other possible rebels. It wasn't until he took out his taser that I spun around to counter with a few kicks, sending the small device flying across the room. Twenty more seconds and I finally managed to knock him out with a well-placed punch.

“I must be getting out of shape”, I muttered under my breath, ripping Jooheon's opponent back by his collar and driving my knee into his back to hear a disgusting sound of bones crashing on the inside. My friend shook his head like a dog to get rid of his ringing ears and spat out some blood but that aside he was fine. Then it was over. There had really only been three officers left, I hoped Minhyuk and the other two were alright when I started searching for the keys.

“Is this it?”, Jooheon asked from across the room, throwing a bunch of jingling keys straight into my hands. I nodded in relief, ignoring the immense pain coming from my jaw. This was going well.

“Yeah, good job.”

We ran down the stairs in a hurry, searching the few cells for Shownu to find him at the very back behind a door of massive metal. I jammed the key inside its lock and turned it with a clicking sound and another sigh escaped my lips upon seeing the sturdy young man staring back at us in surprise.

“Changkyun's mask? Who...Hyungwon?”, he asked incredulously but Jooheon just pushed past me, grabbed Shownu's muscular arm and dragged him out of the cell in a hurry.

“No time to explain, just get out of here!”

We ran down the corridor, up the stairs and were past the door in a matter of seconds, my mind unable to grasp how easy this had been. If it had been only me to do this I would have needed much more time for planning and many more escape plans. It was nice to be doing something with a whole group for once. It was...kind of fun.

I looked at the building we had left Kihyun at and waved with a nod, hoping he would see the sign. A few seconds later two bigger windows of the very same building were smashed with a loud shattering sound that could even be heard over the shouts of the officers putting out the fire. _Alright, there's only one step left now._ After making sure Jooheon would get Shownu away, I ran towards the back door of the police station just when a line of fire shot across the ground towards the building. My eyes widened and I quickly ducked behind the nearest junction box when a small explosion caused more flames to erupt from not only the house next to it but the police station itself as well.

Once I could be sure there would be no burning objects flying around I went out of hiding and searched for the beginning of the line of fire I had seen before. “Wonho? Changkyun? Minhyuk?” There was no reply and I grew somewhat anxious, heading for the broader street we had come from to finally find the silhouettes of three people watching the dancing flames in the dark.

I jogged up to them in relief, joining their staring session to take in the whole scene while a few raindrops started to fall down onto the pavement. Two houses burning, a few people trying to put the fire out, several uniformed guys on the ground after having been hit by the previous explosion, the first step of our distraction plan painted on the wall. A smile broke out on my face when I saw what they had painted and it only took a moment to know who had done what. The flower had to be Minhyuk's work. It was beautiful.

“Well done”, I whispered quietly, causing the other three to turn towards me with equally satisfied smiles. “We found him. Let's head home.”

“Yeah, let's”, Minhyuk agreed with another glance at the dancing flames and I remembered having seen a similar picture before. It had to be irony of fate. _This is for Changjung_.

Then we turned around, leaving a burning building with 'Monsta X' sprayed on its walls in beautiful red and black letters behind.

We came as six friends.

We left as the seven members of Monsta X.

I told the other three to go ahead while I would collect Kihyun from his building, not allowing them to wait for us in the rain that was growing a little stronger after a while. As much as I wanted everyone to go together, I could see how bad Minhyuk wanted to meet up with Shownu. It had been several days since they had last seen each other and the wish to see him again was burning in his eyes, causing me to practically shoo him away before heading towards the house we had left Kihyun at. I was still wearing my mask and there was a reason – the bruises I felt were killing me. Maybe Kihyun would know a way to hide them, he surely had had to deal with similar things with Changkyun before.

The limping guy came towards me with a satisfied smirk, happy that everything went exactly the way we had planned it, when suddenly a frown appeared on his face. “Your mask has a few stains.” So it had bled, yeah? Maybe the others didn't mention it thinking it wasn't my own blood. Or maybe they thought it was a drop of rain, who knows. I just nodded and he stopped in front of me to knock his crutch against my shin. “Show me your face.”

“You're pretty bossy, you know? I don't think-”

“Hyungwon. Your face.” It was a tone of voice I recognized as the same he scolded Changkyun with and I swallowed, looking to the side. The rain soaked the mask, creating a disgusting and moist feeling against my skin.

“Okay, I received a few punches. It must have bled a little bit, if you could have a look at them before we join the others again that would be great. I don't want-”

I froze upon seeing Kihyun crane his neck to smile at someone behind me. “Good job today, Minhyuk!”

I wanted to chew on my lip but hissed when my teeth dug into the sore flesh and I could hear Minhyuk come closer. “I'm just glad everybody's fine. Go ahead, the others are waiting a few roads down, I've got something to talk to Hyungwon about.” I shot Kihyun a pleading gaze but the older only seemed to be taken aback by how shocked I looked, obeying Minhyuk's words without thinking twice and I closed my eyes with a sigh. _Why do I even try to hide?_

I swallowed as the sound of crutches grew more distant and long fingers wrapped around my arm to drag me into the light of a nearby streetlamp. Minhyuk bore holes into my face while I tried to look elsewhere and he forced me to sit down on the wet stone ground, narrowing his eyes at me. “A few punches, huh?”

“I told you to go ahead, you must want to see Shownu, right? I'm fine.”

“You should have told me you're hurt. Are you in pain?”

“He surely wants to see you as well, I mean, it was quite a busy time and many things happened and-”

I stopped to shove his hand away when he tried to grab my mask. He hissed and slapped my knee. “I can't believe you're being like this. You wouldn't be this persistent if you were fine.” I took a shaking breath when his cool fingertips brushed the skin of my neck and froze up as his fingers curled around the elastic fabric of the mask to take it off in one swift motion.

I didn't know what I looked like but he took a sharp breath and shook his head. “How many people did you fight?”

“It's not 'how many' but 'how'. This is my technique.”

“Wow, a technique that gets you hurt. How wonderful. You accepted all this for Shownu?”

“He's our leader. There was no other option”, I mumbled in reply causing him to rise to his feet and leave down the street with a grim expression. About a minute had to pass until I gathered the energy to stand up and go look for Minhyuk only to have him run into me with something in his hands at the next corner. “Where did you go?”

The white-haired held out his hands to offer me a black helmet like I had seen them before – it was an officer's without doubt. “From now on you'll wear this whenever you fight. If you get hurt one more time because you didn't wear this I will...Will...Whatever, just wear it.”

“You're not going to scold me for how I could have died?”, I retorted, almost disappointed with his poor reaction when I took the helmet in my hands, the familiar weight awakening a range of memories I pushed away in a hurry. Minhyuk had nagged for much longer when I had gotten my chest damaged by Yixing the other day.

My opponent took out the soaked mask again and softly ran it across my face like some washcloth to get rid of the blood that hadn't been washed away by the rain yet. My heartbeat sped up and I held my breath but he acted like he didn't notice a thing. It wasn't much and I knew there were a lot more bruises than wounds but I just couldn't stop him as I only stared at his concentrated eyes. He didn't know how to help me otherwise and gave up soon to bury his hands in his pockets with a sigh. “You promised me you wouldn't throw your life away and I trust in that. It's just infuriating to see how shitty you look right now because I know you fight well. These wounds and bruises weren't necessary, were they?”

I clenched my teeth and put on the helmet in resignation because carrying it in my hands all the way home would have been a pain. “Being weak is the easiest way for me to become strong.”

“That doesn't make sense and I don't like it.” I opened the ventail only to have him slam it shut again with a click of his tongue. “We're going home and you won't go out for the next two days.”

“What? You're grounding me?”

“You deserve it.”

“I literally just got your leader out of prison, took care of you after you had a breakdown, even covered for you as a dealer and this is all I get? A grounding?” No lie, I had taken care of the Seventeen and Exo deals that week though it could have gone better but let's not go into detail now.

“It's _our_ leader and yes. This discussion is over because I am worried and you can't say anything against that.”

He pressed his lips together and I didn't know what to say for the next few minutes, quietly walking behind him as I analyzed his behavior. It was so confusing, one moment I didn't want him to see me hurt because I wanted to be strong, the next I would wonder why I had even decided to close up. I had never been this indecisive. “You're mad, aren't you?”

“You think?” Minhyuk crossed his arms but kept quiet otherwise. I sighed while taking off my jacket and looking at it for some time. I then threw it around his neck like a scarf and grabbed his sleeve with a weird somewhat carefree feeling in my stomach as I dragged him along. “You're still sick from not having any drugs. Don't catch a cold out in the rain. Let's go quickly.”

 

________________

 

Once we got home I practically tackled Shownu to the ground with relief flooding my mind. It was wonderful to see him back in our house and he seemed to feel the same, his gaze softening upon seeing me. I noticed the bruises on his knuckles and narrowed my eyes. “You're hurt?”

“The idiot kept punching walls in his cell, he said”, Jooheon chimed in from the living room before going back to doing his homework for university as though we hadn't just set a police station on fire.

I glanced back at Hyungwon who just took off that black helmet I had stolen from an unconscious officer, nodded at Shownu to welcome him back and went to join Jooheon. I still couldn't believe he had gotten this hurt when even our one thug seemed to be rather fine. It made me mad to see him hurt but he didn't seem to mind half as much. He was just glad we had all made it.

I glanced at the helmet once more, then let Shownu stand up still holding on to his tanned arms. “You won't leave again, will you?”

He clenched his hand, then unclenched it again with a little smile. “I...No, I don't think so.”

I felt Hyungwon's gaze on me for some reason but every time I glanced at him he would look at Jooheon and say something in English in a hurry. “That's good”, I just whispered, tightening my grip around Shownu's arms when I got a little dizzy. He frowned.

“Minhyuk, are you alright? Your hands are all cold.” I ducked away when he reached out for my forehead but of course Hyungwon had to say something.

“Go to bed, Minhyuk. Don't get sick and go.”

I scrunched up my nose and finally met his eyes with a pout. “But Shownu has just-”

“Listen to Hyungwon”, Wonho shouted from the kitchen as he was making himself some coffee, “he knows what's best for you.”

Silence filled the room for a while and my wide eyes darted from Hyungwon to every corner in the room and back at him again. He swallowed but kept his eyes on me with a nod. “You heard him. Go.”

Shownu was visibly confused but spun me around and softly pushed me up the stairs with another smile. “Looks like you need to listen. I'm not going anywhere so rest up.”

“O-okay”, I mumbled, licking my lips when a thought crossed my mind. “Ah, Hyungwon is grounded for the next two days, don't let him go out...Just...Just don't ask.”

“You won't really do this to me, right?”, Hyungwon retorted from the living room and I raised a brow.

“Oh yes, I will.”

 

________________

 

“You've been sneaking glances at him for a little bit too long for comfort”, Jooheon muttered coldly and I snapped out of my trance, tearing my gaze away from the empty staircase with a swallow.

“Have I?” I started fidgeting around, playing with my fingers when Shownu sat down at the table with us.

“What's up with Minhyuk? He's neither smiley nor pretentious anymore. Did I miss something?”

Jooheon glanced at the stairs, then at me again with a raised brow. “He's dealing with withdrawal symptoms.”

“What, you mean he skipped completely? Jooheon, we agreed that we would never-”

“I _know_ but it was too late by the time Hyungwon allowed us to go near him!”

My eyes widened and I raised my hands as if to surrender when Shownu's expression darkened in a second. “ _You_ let him dry out? Hyungwon, I know you can't imagine what he will become but-”

“Actually, I can”, I interrupted him while now calmly retorting his gaze and Jooheon swallowed.

“Shownu, he's right. Minhyuk had his break down four days ago already.”

“Four-” He stopped, blinking rapidly as though he couldn't quite grasp the situation. “And he's still... He looks alright.”

“Well he certainly didn't four days ago”, I shot back, crossing my arms in front of my chest. “I wanted to drug him but I had been high myself and by the time I came to my senses it would probably have been too late anyway. All we can do is hope that he makes it, his fever has gone down but it's still there.”

Shownu nodded deep in thought, helpless sighs escaping his lips every now and then. “I suppose you know about what happened-”

“-to his mother? Yeah. He was brave back then. Still is. I believe in his tenacity, he'll be fine.” I licked my lips and averted my gaze. Why did this feel like some sort of open school day and why did I defend Minhyuk this much? “I managed to get him going again but his body still needs to catch up. Make sure that he rests at all times.”

“But how did you do that?”

“He's a miracle, don't know but it doesn't matter anymore. As long as it helps Minhyuk I wouldn't care if he called on demons, to be very honest.” Jooheon stretched his back, glancing at Shownu's bruised fists. “You should go take a shower and clean up that mess. I need this homework tomorrow so could you just get moving? I already skipped class to prepare for your prison break today.”

“I- Yeah, I mean...I'll just come back later. It's...It just doesn't make sense to me”, Shownu mumbled, drawing himself up and leaving for the bathroom.

I shot Jooheon a thankful look but he shrugged it off. “I would hate being asked the same questions over and over again. Help me get this done and we're even.”

Wonho entered the room with his coffee mug in hand and opened his mouth to say something but decided against it upon receiving Jooheon's glare, sitting down on the sofa to read the newspaper in silence. They were good at dealing with the fact that we had stood up against the government, it felt as though they had never done anything else. Well, it wasn't that big of an action for seven people but I couldn't deny that I was somewhat proud. _If it's the seven of us we can make it_ , I thought in satisfaction, listening to Jooheon's quiet curses whenever he didn't get a thing. _I could really get used to this._

Once we were done with the tasks I decided to head upstairs to check on Minhyuk before going to bed. He was asleep and snoring quietly which for some reason caused a smile to appear on my lips. I crouched down without my consent, putting my hand on his forehead. Fever, just like before. “I hope you'll get better soon”, I whispered, running my hand through his hair to let it rest by his neck. “You're doing great. Keep going.”

The corners of his mouth curled into a tiny smile that had me clear my throat and withdraw my hand. He was a sick puppy I wanted to care about and it just didn't make sense. _It just doesn't make sense to you, Shownu?_ _Don't worry, I don't get it either_. Nothing made sense anymore.

I swallowed hard, shifting to lean my back against his bed, head resting next to his hand. _Sometimes I wonder who I'd be if I hadn't met you_ , I thought with my eyes closed and listening to his even breathing. _And I don't think I'd like it._ I couldn't say it often enough but it couldn't hurt to do it anyway. It couldn't hurt if it was Minhyuk. _Things will never be alright. But with six other people around me it feels a little less shitty_.

“Thank you. I only brought you bad luck but you...You're still here”, I whispered quietly. It was true, the Clan would still be up and running if I hadn't tattled to Yi-en. Everything would be fine if I hadn't come into Monsta X' lives. _It's selfish of me to stay only because I will get better._ The realization hit me hard and I swallowed. My hand hovered above his head for a moment, wanting to stroke his hair but I couldn't. What good could my touch do? I didn't deserve to feel better so I withdrew my hand, stood up and left the room without saying anything else. He wouldn't have heard me anyway.

_I'm sorry for everything._

I hated myself for these kinds of mood drops. But that's what happens when you start thinking about things. Or start feeling happy.

 

________________

 

Hyungwon was grounded for two days but to be very honest that didn't make much of a difference in our daily lives. He had been home all day before anyway doing nothing but listening to the radio. One day passed during which he shot me looks I couldn't classify. It seemed as though he wanted to say something but didn't dare voicing it.

The orphans were home a lot after Hyungwon forbade them to stray through the streets. They could have been conscripted after all, he was worried. Wonho was the same as always – rarely home, often gone off to wherever he was passing his days and clingy as soon as he spotted me. Shownu was told everything about the most recent happenings and stayed at home to wait for something to happen while Jooheon went to university as always.

The time we spent as seven was mostly spent in tense silence and I didn't know how to help the others relax as my fever didn't go down and I felt dizzy every now and then. Whenever I started joking around they would cast me worried glances and I decided to just keep quiet at some point. Yet, even though it was a twisted image with everyone waiting for that damn war to kick in, I was so happy to be together with the other six guys at once.

Shownu, Jooheon, Wonho, Changkyun, Kihyun and now Hyungwon. It wasn't a common thing, all of them assembled in the living room, but it looked so right. It looked like something I could have stared at for the rest of my life. Everyone had their place and it wasn't just the one they had at our campfire in the garden. We were more than a community of convenience to do drugs. We were Monsta X. We were friends. Not even Hyungwon could deny that anymore though of course he didn't say it.

I was lying in my bed that night thinking about all kinds of stuff but one thing was bothering me on another level. Our newbie would ask me several times whether I was fine, offering to go get some medicine or anything to lower my temperature or lessen the pain. Everyone did that but it was just so much more important to me that Hyungwon asked. His worried eyes, his hands supporting me whenever I stumbled due to a fit of dizziness, his assurances that I'd be fine soon and the way he got close to me on his own. It was all so new and strange.

And it made me wonder why I was so affected and paid so much attention to him. Maybe I was just being overly sensitive. It was so easy to trust him after all he had done for us but that didn't explain why my breath hitched every time we touched. _He knows about your past. What you've done_ , my brain tried to argue but I could only shake my head.

“Shownu and Jooheon know as well. Wonho might too. It's still different”, I mumbled quietly, hugging myself under the blanket when a shiver rushed down my spine.

_He accepted everything. The others didn't. Then again it might be because you know about him._ Right. Who else knew about Hyungwon's life? I knew about Sangwon, had even been told about that time Hyungwon had been raped. My shivers intensified at the memory of him crying. It hurt to see him break.  _Yes, that must be it_ , my brain insisted,  _you're worried so you pay more attention to him. It's legitimate._

“What kind of an explanation is that?”, I muttered with a pout, about to continue my monologue when the door to my room opened and Hyungwon stepped in crouching down next to the bed.

“There were muffled noises, I thought I'd check on you. You were talking to yourself?”, he asked with narrowed eyes before he put a cool washcloth on my forehead. “Your fever didn't go up, did it?”

“Nah, I'm fine”, I replied with a reassuring smile trying not to get distracted by his cold fingertips stroking my skin for a split second. “I was just wondering why you're worrying so much.” _Nope, you were wondering why_ you _are so weird, Minhyuk, wow, you're a true liar._

Little did I know how easy it was to get Hyungwon to talk by now. “I-” He pulled his hands away and I could only hear him swallow in the dimly lit room. “I can't deal with a lot of things right now.”

I raised my head in surprise but was pushed back into the mattress in a matter of seconds. “Elaborate more.” Since when did he just share his worries and thoughts with me? When had it come to this?

“Well, you know”, he started looking for the right words and I could tell he was trying to find a way out but knew I wouldn't let him at the same time. He settled with a helpless sigh. “I just don't know how to cope with all the stuff that changed. About your and the other guys' situation. About myself. It's all too much and I- to think I'd ever say this, really...I have a bad conscience.”

My frown deepened and I cocked my head to the side as far as that is possible while lying down. “What do you mean? It's not like you to say things like that.”

“Exactly”, he snorted and let his head fall onto the bed with another sigh. “It's not like me. But look at the stuff I did during the past four months: first I destroy the Clan. Then I'm not here when Monsta X needs help as a whole and we were too late to drug you because you were stubborn and had to take care of me on drugs first. Now you're fighting the aftermath of that because of me.”

I wanted to say something but Hyungwon was quick to continue. “I told you that when I made a mistake back in the past someone else had to pay for it, right? Back then it was Sangwon. Well, this isn't much different now. I got addicted to drugs. Now everything has gone downhill for you. It's all the same.” He let out a sneer. “I should have listened to you when we first met. I should never have taken that drug and should just have gone back to where I belong.”

“You belong here, idiot”, I was quick to say when he paused to breathe in.

“I don't want another Sangwon.”

“I don't want to be another Sangwon either. I'm not your brother. I'm alive. All of us are”, I insisted. “Things haven't been nice, you're right, but where would we be without you?”

“You would be happily dealing drugs with Changjung by your side and the whole Clan still running”, he replied bitterly averting his eyes. I let my hand hover above his head in uncertainty.

“We would still be oblivious to all the shit that's going on out there. You might not see it but I learned a lot from you, Hyungwon. About the world. About people. About you as a person. I would still be addicted beyond hope. I would still whine about how I don't remember my past. Would still be smiling all day like an idiot without knowing why.” I swallowed and let my fingers sink into his dark hair. He tensed up but didn't look at me or do anything to stop me so I continued stroking the strands. “Change is good. The guys wouldn't be the same without you. And neither would I.”

He took a few deep breaths, halting whenever my fingertips grazed his scalp. “You don't need something as broken as me. It's plain selfish of me to be here. I came to live with you because of drugs, not because of you. It's unfair to you guys.”

“I don't care about your original intentions. What keeps you here now? Is it still just the drugs?”

“No, it's-” He interrupted himself with a hiss, fingers digging into my blanket in frustration. “It's weird now. It's like I've always just lived here with you. I mean, I- ah, whatever, I don't even know anymore.” He rose to his feet and shook his head as if to rid it of his thoughts, my hand falling down onto the mattress. “Sorry to keep you awake. I'll get going.”

He spun around and headed for the door but I scrambled out of my bed and caught up with my fingers curled around the back of his shirt in a second. “Hyungwon. You know, if you were to leave us now-” I licked my lips and listened to his slightly agitated breathing. “I'd miss you really bad.”

His hand found the door frame, fingers digging into the wood when he took a deep breath to calm down. “Don't worry. It's too late”, he mumbled quietly, “I'm too deep into this to leave anyway.”

He turned his head to glance at me and I swallowed at the conflict visible in his eyes. He was struggling with himself and I could only imagine why. He wanted to stay but he thought it to be better to just go. I slung my arms around his shoulders without thinking twice and pressed my face against his back. It was the same as when he had left for the radio tower a week ago. Back when he had fled.

But this time he didn't budge and just concentrated on his breathing until I spoke up again. He stayed to hear me out and that was all I needed to know. “Good night, Hyungwon. And remember what I said. I'm serious.” _I'd miss you._

He let his head hang like a withered flower's and I could hear his rattling breaths before letting go of him. This was enough for one day he wouldn't take much more.

“That's...That's reassuring to know. Good night, Minhyuk.”

 

________________

 

I don't know why I even told Minhyuk about my inner struggle. It's not like he could change a thing about how I felt but if it was him I had the feeling that I could just tell him everything and he'd always be understanding no matter what the topic. That evening I left his room with my heart clenched.

_I'd miss you really bad._

Why was he doing this to me? I couldn't use affectionate utterances. I didn't _want_ to use them. It made me feel cold and warm at the same time; had me grow frustrated and helpless. Because at the end of the day I had to admit that I would miss him too. He knew too much about me, he was almost on the same level as Yi-en by now and that was something I shouldn't have allowed to happen. I didn't want another Yi-en in my life just like I didn't want another Sangwon.  _I don't want to be another Sangwon either._ I groaned in frustration and turned in my bed. “I don't need things to repeat themselves. With neither of them.”

I licked my lips forcing myself to relax and look out of the window. I didn't want Yi-en. Didn't want Sangwon all over again.

But then again why did I even bother caring about him? I swallowed before leaning my forehead against the cool wall with a sigh. My brain most definitely didn't have a say in this anymore and it had me grow anxious. Because if I shut off my brain all that would be left was a boy who wanted to be happy. Happiness comes in many forms and I figured it doesn't have to be that of Sangwon or Yi-en anymore.

_Maybe I still want to see what Minhyuk brings after all._

 

It was at dawn of the next day that the ground started to shake. I jolted awake in panic upon hearing a loud explosion followed by equally loud noises. My mind was wide awake in an instant and I rushed down the stairs to where Shownu and Changkyun were sitting with shock on their faces.

“What's going on?”

I shook my head. “I don't know. Sounded like a bomb.” A small one, but still a bomb.

“America?”, Kihyun asked as he hobbled in from the kitchen.

Again I could only shake my head, eyes darting around the room. “America wouldn't have made it this far into the country in one week. Something is fishy.” _So you think it was China?_ I didn't know a thing, it was no use thinking about it until I saw what had happened for real. I ran up the stairs to put on better clothes and was about to rush down again when I bumped into Minhyuk.

“What was that explosion?”, he yawned with fear in his eyes and I didn't allow myself to wonder how the hell his hair could stick into all directions at once. Instead, I repeated my assumption saying I'd go to have a look at the place. “Wait, I'll come along-”

“No, you're sick. You stay here and-”

“Well _you_ are still grounded, sir. It's either you going with me or staying home.”

“Come on, you can't- Fine, whatever, then hurry.” I had to see what had happened. I had to judge things on my own before the radio would twist it and put on my shoes, opening the door to be greeted by a fresh breeze that gave me goosebumps.

“It's too cold to go out in a thin shirt”, Minhyuk mumbled, throwing me a black jacket that was lying around on the stairs. I recognized it as Wonho's and swallowed before putting it on. It smelled of musk and sandalwood, smelled like Wonho, but it kept me warm and I sucked it up to look at Shownu.

“Where did Wonho go?”

“He left right before you came down the stairs. He looked worried.” _Probably off to look after the girl_ , I thought nodding to myself.

“Of course he did. Alright-”

“Take the helmet”, Minhyuk insisted and I was about to retort something when we locked gazes and I felt my breath halt. He sounded sleepy and calm when actually his eyes showed me a pit of fear, panic and worry. _I'd miss you really bad._ He was fearing I might do something stupid once we got there. Well, maybe I would, who knew? I most definitely couldn't say no, which is why I grabbed the helmet and was past the door a second later. Another change in me: I would never have done what Minhyuk told me to only three months ago.

We could see smoke somewhere further away and only exchanged a short glance before hurrying towards the bad sign. I heard a quiet buzzing and my heart fell. Cars. There were cars coming. I considered turning around and waiting in the house until everything quieted down but when would that ever be? I had to know what was going on.

“Are you alright? How's your head?”, I asked on the way watching Minhyuk lightly slap his cheek from time to time.

“I'm still tired. No big deal”, he mumbled in reply and that was all we talked about until we got much closer. Neither of us dared voicing their thoughts about the talk we had had the evening before, things were just too messy to be put into words. Not to mention that I didn't really want to talk about the weird feeling that had been sitting in my chest for quite some time now at least since Minhyuk had had his breakdown.

The closer we got to the column of smoke the more my worries started to claw at my thoughts and I could tell Minhyuk was going through the same. I knew which houses the smoke was coming from and swallowed, my steps faltering for a moment. “The Delphinium.”

Minhyuk grabbed the sleeve of my (Wonho's) jacket and just dragged me along at a quicker pace, not letting me slow down even once. “It's not exactly that house. Maybe everything is fine. How would they even know about the place, nobody ever goes there?”

“I don't know”, I replied quietly. _That's exactly what I'm worried about._

It was a quarter to eight in the morning and a lot of people, more than you'd usually see outside their houses, were crowding around a certain spot. Cries and quiet sobs could be heard from the front and I could only imagine the pain on the faces of left behind family members. Many houses were abandoned but there was still a fair amount of people living in the area. I wondered how many lives had been lost, looking past the people to see one house completely destroyed and three more that had collapsed as the explosion had blown some of their walls away making stability impossible. Other houses had their windows completely broken and I couldn't quite remember which one our Delphinium had been stored at, we would have to find out later. It had been a pretty small bomb but for all the people who had never really experienced the actual firepower of a big one it was already the worst case scenario.

Agitated whispers and tears were shared amongst the crowd and Minhyuk's grasp on my arm tightened. I tightened my fingers around the black helmet in my hand and craned my neck. The cars I had heard before were in the center of the crowd, two bigger vans. Five officers were standing around them with another one standing on the roof with a megaphone.

He cleared his throat before starting in Korean. “Brothers and sisters!” I let out a snort when the other people quieted down immediately like dogs. “Do you see what America has done to you? What the enemy has done to you? They are cold and heartless. What are two or three lives to them? They've got millions of those in their own country!”

The whispers spread again as many people started to believe what they were told, the sobs growing louder. What choice did they have knowing nothing about the actual happenings in the world? Some might still not know there was a war, not everyone knew there was a Korean channel on the radio by now, they were still easy to manipulate.

I frowned at the man. He was blaming America without batting an eyelid but something wasn't right. If it had really been America dropping a bomb right here in our city the army wouldn't come to stand right in front of the scene. They could still drop another one in the area and these officers were completely defenseless. It couldn't have been America. This had been a set-up.

“They are monsters! Merciless and with no sense of humanity. America is our one true enemy!”, the guy on the van went on and on. I started ignoring him and waited for his stupid speech to end, glancing down at Minhyuk who was staring ahead with wide eyes.

“He's lying. It wasn't America”, I whispered quietly but he didn't budge. I knew that look from Sangwon. Suddenly, reality had hit him hard. It didn't matter who had dropped the bomb. This was war and no less.

I don't know how much time passed until the guy was done talking but when he was the crowd started to dissolve slowly, allowing me to have a closer look at the five other officers on the ground. _Now if there is Yi-en, maybe I can find out-_ I swallowed when my eyes fell on a familiar figure. He was wearing his uniform and helmet but I would recognize him anywhere. I didn't know whether this was bad or good luck but at that moment I could only think of one thing: get information out of him and get them fast.

I freed my arm from Minhyuk's grasp and he looked up at me in panic. “There's something I need to check. You go find out how the flowers are and we'll meet here again in fifteen minutes, okay?”

“Where are you going? What's there-”

“I just need a moment on my own to examine the scene”, I insisted licking my lips. “You go ahead, I'll be back in no time.”

“Hyungwon, why can't I-”

“I've got the helmet. Nothing will happen.” I let go of his hand and quickly dove into the crowd with said helmet in hand to put it on once I could crouch down behind a pile of ruins. I glanced at the lost Minhyuk behind the crowd once more. He was worried, his eyes following me as long as he could but I deliberately rounded another ruin to have him lose sight of me. It would be bad if he witnessed me talking to Yi-en.

_You are so worried but you still cause him to worry more. What do you even want, Hyungwon?_

I chewed on my bottom lip as I made my way to the back of the two vans where three of the officers were talking to each other and took a deep breath before letting out a signature whistle.

_I'd miss you really bad._

“I want to protect him”, I whispered to myself with my eyes closed. “Because if I don't I'd miss him as well.” Then I whistled after the same pattern again to grab the soldiers' attention.

On a scale of one to Chae Hyungwon, how many mistakes do you make in twenty-four hours?

Ha, what a good joke, right? Well, not really.

 


	27. Faultiness is human

Only one of the three officers raised his head upon hearing the melody, excusing himself and leaving the trio. I whistled again, pressing myself against the wall of one of the collapsed houses when he got closer. It was the tune of the first Chinese song I had heard together with Yi-en and we had made it our sign to call each other.

“So this is where you've been? I was already worried we might-” Yi-en's voice broke off as soon as he got close enough to have to look up at me through his helmet. “Wait”, he whispered and if I had seen his eyes I swear they would have been wider than you'd think it to be possible. Something was weird about his surprise after he had approached me so carelessly. “Turtle?”

“Who else should it be?”, I retorted, now regretting that I had my back against the wall as his hands reached out to grab one side of the helmet each. My panic kicked in when he took the black thing off without much effort and let it fall to the ground. I shook my fringe to cover my eyes and swallowed. “If anyone I know passes by and sees me talking to a Chinese officer I'm dead.”

Yi-en raised the ventail of his helmet to reveal sparkling eyes that once captivated all of me. But not today, it seemed. “I thought maybe you were Hoseok, we use the same melody”, he said and I frowned.

“Hoseok? Wait, he's out?”

“Yeah, orders from not too long ago. He was very compliant and swore on his life without hesitating, so they said he could go wherever he wanted as long as he'd come back at least once every three days. They believed it to be better as long as he still had his connections to the people of the city.” I chewed on my bottom lip and Yi-en furrowed his brows. “You didn't meet him?”

“I didn't even know he was out”, I replied with a whisper. Where the hell had Hoseok gone if not back to BTS? Had he gone to see his family? Did he even have a family? “But that's not what I came for. I- Yi-en, what's this whole issue about?” I swallowed and switched over to Chinese to keep prying ears away, putting my helmet on again. My eyes darted at the ruins of what once had been houses. “Was it really America?”

He sighed. “You know I can't talk about-”

“Yi-en. It's me. Who can you talk to if not me?” I was digging my nails into the palms of my hands to at least keep my voice steady and I was glad to have the helmet to hide my expression from him. He had often said these words to me and I hated having to go with the remember-what-we-had-technique. It was wrong and disgusting to make him believe I needed him and our memories – I had other friends I was depending on by now. I had Minhyuk.

“It's really difficult, okay? I don't even know much myself”, Yi-en continued in his language and I moved away from the wall only to freeze when he stepped closer, our helmets almost clashing. I inhaled sharply but his hand was on the back of my neck to keep me in place. _The helmet will protect you, Hyungwon. He can't harm you. Yi-en never harmed you. He can't-_ “It was us. Our spies said that the flower you were so livid about is dangerous. I couldn't only believe you when there was other evidence and, well, things just happened. Why the bomb was dropped here, I don't know for sure.”

“Your spies?”, I repeated bitterly, shoving him away with both hands to regain my space. “Who? Yixing again?”

“It wasn't just him...H-Hoseok said we-” He interrupted himself again to throw a glance over my shoulder and close his ventail in a second. “Turtle, you know that guy with crazily white-hair, right? White like snow? I saw him at the convenience store the other day.”

I was still busy processing that Hoseok had readily given out information on the drugs. What had he said that the army decided to drop a bomb in exactly this area? How would he know anything? Had he gone after me without me noticing? Maybe that's how he had found out where we had stored the rest. But then again, why would he betray the Clan in the first place?

It was then that Yi-en's question finally got through to my conscious and I gasped at the description of an all too familiar person. “M-Minhyuk? What's with him?”

“I saw his face just now, he was peeking around the corner and looked really shocked, do you think he might have heard-”

“What?!” I spun around but couldn't make out any white hair. “Where did he go? Yi-en, fuck, where did he run off to?”

“Should we silence him? We can find him if I tell the others-”

“No! I'll do that myself. Shit, answer my question, where did he go?”

“Into the right street”, the older replied in a hurry. “Turtle, was he important for your investigations?”

“He's fucking important, yes, okay?”, I almost shouted back with my heart racing. This was beyond bad. “Don't come looking for me. I'm off.”

“Turtle, wait a sec-”

“I don't have _time_ to wait for you anymore!” I turned around and ran off into the direction Yi-en had pointed out, leaving him behind in just a few seconds and pushing through the remaining people on the streets. Some stared after me with confused gazes while others jumped aside thinking I was an officer due to the helmet but I couldn't care less.

I had to find Minhyuk. And I had to find him fast. I knew what he was thinking and it wasn't the truth. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to lose him now. _I never want to lose him._

I sprinted past several alleys, suddenly finding it hard to breathe under the helmet, and took a sharp turn when I caught a glimpse of white hair. “Minhyuk!”, I shouted and he flinched but disappeared around another corner a moment later. I kept chasing him through two more streets until he tripped over his own feet, stumbled and fell to the ground, giving me a chance to catch up.

“Minhyuk, for fuck's sake! Are you alright?”, I exclaimed whipping the helmet off my head and throwing it to the ground before crouching down by his side when he already rolled away with a hiss. I gasped when I saw that his palms were bleeding and tried to reach out to him but he just shook his head and it was only when I looked up at his face that I saw the tears. “Minhyuk, wait-”

“Tell me I'm wrong.” My breath halted at the roughness of his voice, the coldness in his watery eyes, the trembles of his body. “You can't do that, huh? You're still-” He swallowed and licked his lips with clattering teeth. “You're still one of them.”

“Minhyuk, listen, I-”

“I've been listening to you all this time!”, he interrupted me and clenched his red hands into fists. “I always told you I would listen to everything! But you never once said you- You never...”

“This is a misunderstanding, I was afraid”, I breathed, shifting from crouching to kneeling with my fists resting on my thighs as though I was expecting a punishment. Well, this was one of some sort. “I didn't want you to think I wasn't on your side.”

“Afraid? On my side? Hyungwon, were you ever to begin with? You planned all of this, didn't you?”

“W-what?”

My mouth went dry but Minhyuk wouldn't stop. “From blowing our cover to burning and bombing our stocks it was exactly what you wanted, right? That's how they knew where we had our second base, nobody but Monsta X knew where it was located.”  
“No, Minhyuk, you don't understand-”

“Don't give me that and start explaining because I don't want to believe my own damn words!”, he shouted while trembling as though he was freezing. _Maybe it's the fever. Maybe it's anger._ His eyes were piercing right through me and I took a deep breath.

“I didn't _want_ any of this to happen. I didn't tell them a thing. I don't remember what I did on the day I blew our cover. I was high. I never once wanted to harm the Clan, hell, I-” I ran a hand through my hair in frustration. I didn't think seeing Minhyuk actually hurt because of me would be this devastating, it was driving me insane. I didn't want to lose his trust after he had worked so hard to make it mutual. I didn't want to lose him now that I had finally accepted that I could lean on him. I didn't want to have to go through this again.

“Why didn't you tell me then?” It was pain and disappointment I could hear and each word was a shot to my chest. How had he managed to change me like that?

“I couldn't”, I whispered with my eyes lowered to the ground now. “It would have been too dangerous. You could have died because you knew too much. And even now they-”, I pointed in the direction we had come from, “-they wanted to hunt you down because you eavesdropped. They could have killed you.”

“I'm a fucking drug dealer, Hyungwon, I could have died years ago already. Your name really is Hyungwon, right? Because if you even lied with that-”

“I never _once_ lied to you”, I hissed with my hand darting forward to grab him by the neck before he could retreat. Our faces were about twenty centimeters apart and I stared straight into his wide eyes without giving a damn about the panic growing in me. “There were times when I didn't tell you everything you wanted to know but not a single thing I said was a lie.” Mistrust was visible on his face and I felt my confidence crumble at last, pressing my lips together for a few moments. “What do I need to do to convince you?”

“I don't know, why don't you ask your officer friend, turtle?”

I flinched and let myself fall back as though the skin of his neck had burnt my hand. “Don't call me that.”

“Why? _He_ is allowed to do that, isn't he? Why even turtle?”

“Yi-en has no right to do anything anymore”, I replied with a low voice and I could tell by the way Minhyuk's brows knitted together that the name was familiar so I just nodded. “Yeah, that guy was Yi-en.”

“Your...Your good friend from the army?”

“Friend.” I let out a sneer and looked at the ground for a moment to hide my smile. It was out of place in this situation. “Yeah, that one. I'm trying to hate him ever since he left me on the streets to survive on my own. How long has it been? Five months? Six?”

“He didn't really behave like that.”

“It's a Chinese officer you're defending there”, I growled in reply and Minhyuk hissed before wiping the blood of his palms on his dark jeans and standing up without looking at me.

“That's not it. You were so close. It looked so, I don't know, intimate? Like he was...As though you...”

“Like he trusts me?”

“Like you mean the world to him.”

 

________________

 

 _You go ahead, I'll be back in no time._ I was livid when I saw Hyungwon go so I went after him only to hear him talk to some officer. The latter sounded relieved and happy, the name of 'turtle' falling at the beginning and I tensed up. This was someone from Hyungwon's past. Someone from the army. Why did Hyungwon seek him out in the first place? Their hushed voices changed in melody, switched over to Chinese at some point and I glanced around the corner to have a look at the two of them who were standing so close I would never have believed one of them was Hyungwon.

It felt like everything he had told me up to that point had been one big lie. He didn't seem to get anxious when it came to physical contact. He talked to the officer as though he hadn't broken into a police station two days ago. They talked like friends. They looked like more, judging by the officer's gestures and tone of voice.

It was then that I locked gazes with the unknown and spun around in a hurry, heading for the nearest street to get away. What the hell was going on? Why was Hyungwon casually talking to a damn officer? Why did he leave me behind to do so? Why had I not been allowed to listen?

I felt betrayed. And at that moment, everything about Hyungwon made sense. Everything he had said the evening before. Everything I had interpreted as a sign of him trusting me, liking me, considering me a friend at the very least.

_It's plain selfish of me to be here. I came to live with you because of drugs, not because of you._ Had he only tried to seek out the base of the Clan? Had he heard about it before? Was our meeting no coincidence but a well staged happening? Maybe Lay told on the Clan before Hyungwon even stepped into our lives. Hyungwon had actually blown our cover after all, high or not. Maybe sneaking in was his technique.

_It's too late. I'm too deep into this to leave anyway._ Why was that? Could he not leave because of orders the army had given him? Was that why he had to stick with us? Did he hate us? The thought pained me but I couldn't think of any other possibility.

Hyungwon was the enemy, wasn't he? I kept running down the streets, soon hearing steps come after me. He confronted me, told me it was a misunderstanding, tried to change my mind, even got close to me without batting an eyelid. But how big of a deal could that be after he had stood this close to some officer? Someone who wasn't able to keep his hands off Hyungwon's arms and head during the short time I had watched them. What was his name? Yi-en.

“ _I know that I wouldn't take a third betrayal.”_

“ _I suppose Sangwon was kind of number one to you?”_

“ _My parents were. Number two, uhm, was someone else from the army. His...His name was Yi-en.”_

It was more than trust they shared, more than Hyungwon tried to make me believe it was. It looked like love to me and my opponent froze upon hearing that. He stared at me as though I had punched him in the face and it tore my heart apart to see him this frustrated. But he wasn't the only one feeling that way. I felt like I didn't even know the person that called himself Chae Hyungwon.

“Yi-en is...Well, I can't- you know, he...I mean-” Hyungwon licked his lips and swallowed hard before he closed his eyes and shook his head as though he was trying to get rid of something in his head. “You're right.”

Silence. I needed a moment to let the words sink in and I could only stare at Hyungwon until he found the courage to speak up again. “Yi-en is...He's the only thing that kept me alive until recently. He was there whenever I needed him. He always said that he would...he would stay with me and that there was nothing that could change that. He was the only person I could trust. The only one I ever...Oh, fuck it, he was the only one I ever loved.”

He took a deep but rattling breath and looked at me. I could see the struggle, could see the fear, but it didn't make sense to me. Why did he sound like he was in so much pain? At the same time, I felt pitiful myself. My worries concerning his well-being had turned into jealousy for some reason. All this time Hyungwon had stated that one must never love a guy. That it was not right. And now here he was telling me he had done exactly that before. _You should have seen that one coming._ “But then there was an obstacle. Just one. And that's all it took him to leave. To break his gilded promise.”

_An obstacle?_ I wanted to keep being mad. Wanted to throw curses at him for being such a secretive asshole. I shouldn't trust Hyungwon. He had to be lying but his eyes had me soften nonetheless.  _I never once lied to you_ . Or was he actually being honest? “Why did you go back to him if that's what happened?”, I whispered looking down on him who was still kneeling submissively. He looked so vulnerable. Why did this affect me so much?

“I didn't go back. He found me first. Said that he regretted everything. Said that he wants me to come back. That was on the day I blew our covers by mistake. I hadn't had any contact with the army until then. Please, you need to believe me, Minhyuk, I never once had the intention of telling them anything.”

He moved to stand up but fell back onto his knees when I stepped back in alarm as though he didn't want to scare me away. “I really didn't mean to. What about the radio tower? The prison break? Me trying to save Changjung? I didn't do this to fool you, I'm being a hundred percent honest, I promise.”

He was right. There were too many things he had done opposing China but how would I know what sacrifices they usually had to make to keep what they called peace? Still, Hyungwon's tone of voice left no room for interpretation. He was being honest. He wasn't lying. “Why did you talk to him again if you want to avoid him so bad?”

“I used him”, he replied with a bitter smile on his face. “I used him like I was taught to use people. I used him to protect what I need.”

“And that would be-”

“Monsta X, of course.”

More silence passed between us and I raised a hand to claw at my shirt right above the heart when he finally found the courage to stand up slowly. Every time he took a step towards me I would take one back until I bumped into the nearest wall and he got closer with sad eyes staring into my confused ones. Suddenly, he let his head fall against the wall a few centimeters away from me and a sigh escaped his lips.

I swallowed, intimidated by how close we were standing next to each other. “Us?”

“It would be a lie to say I'm only in for the Delphinium. I told you yesterday.” _I'm too deep into this to leave anyway._ “I need all of you by now. It's the only way I can break away from him.” _So that's what he actually meant when-_

He grabbed my hand and I could hear his breathing halt but he forced himself to keep the physical contact. I had my eyes on him but he only stared at the bricks while concentrating on his breathing. “I'm finally free. Thanks to you.”

I glanced down to find the black helmet he had tossed away by my feet. The ventail was broken and I kept staring at it with my eyes half closed. How long had he hidden these things from me? “Was he in your nightmares?”

He hummed, tightening his grasp on my hand without realizing it. “Right next to the other bastard.” How long had he hidden himself from me? I was growing frustrated. “Why did you never tell me?”

“In all honesty? I was scared shitless.” He swallowed and took another deep breath. “And my fears came true. I should have told you earlier but I was just afraid of you getting it wrong. I'm not using you. I'm using him. I can finally turn the tables but I need to do it alone anyway, so I thought-”

“You never have to do anything alone”, I insisted when I broke away from the wall and let go of his hand to grab his arms. “Hearing you say that makes me angrier.”

“You have every right to be.”

“I don't know what to think of you. I don't know if there's more secrets you keep. I don't know if you're really honest. I think that deserves an apology.”

“I know and I can't apologize often enough-”

“But I've got another severe problem”, I interrupted him yet again while digging my fingers into his arms, “and that's that I don't care.” He blinked at me in visible confusion and I looked down to gather my thoughts for a moment – not that it worked much, my mind was a mess. “I don't know about you for sure but everything _I_ said was definitely true. It makes me angry that I can't keep shouting at you. It makes me angry that even though I shouldn't trust you I want to do it anyway. It makes me angry that every time you look hurt I want to help you. It makes me fucking angry that I can't get mad at you but only at myself. And most importantly-”

I raised my gaze again and we stared into each others' eyes for an unknown amount of time. Why was it so easy to tell him all this? Why was it so hard to stick with my anger? Why was he so damn captivating?

“-what have you done to me?”

His lips parted but no words came out so he just kept his eyes on me, taking a slow step backwards until he was out of reach and my arms fell back to my sides. My heart clenched and I started chewing on my lower lip when Hyungwon finally found his voice again.

“I'm so sorry.”

That was it? After I had explained my conflict, after I had basically poured my heart out all he could say was  _I'm so sorry_ ? My teeth were clattering and I was about to say something when he stepped closer again, so close every word got stuck in my throat.

“Pretend to fall unconscious. Please, I know this is not the best timing and I'll make up for it but I need to get you out of this for now. Just play along.”

“What do you mean-”

“Minhyuk, do as I say or I'll have to hurt you for real.”

“Hyungwon, why-”

“No more questions.” I didn't get to finish my sentence as he drove his fist into my stomach and I doubled over with a wheeze, about to fight back when I heard another voice talking loudly in Chinese. It was that guy from before, Yi-en. _I need to get you out of this._

“Oh, fuck it”, I whispered to myself and let my body go limp. I didn't even hit the ground as expected; Hyungwon's arms were around me in a second and he heaved me over his shoulder without much of an effort.

Yi-en started in Chinese but Hyungwon replied in Korean every time as if to let me in on what they were talking about.

“He didn't hear us, just saw me.”

“I told him I'm not a spy but know you from school so we're close.”

“There's no need to take other measures. I can handle it.”

“He's feverish, that's how he fainted. It will be easy to convince him.”

“Go back. Your dear friends will miss you, Yi-en.”

“...Don't call me that. I'm going. Good bye.”

He started walking with me still thrown over his shoulder and we remained silent for a few more minutes until he was sure Yi-en could neither see nor hear us anymore. We were already in our house's neighborhood. “I'm really sorry for this chaos”, he whispered and put me down with regret on his face. “He won't come after you because he thinks I'll talk you into believing it was your fever playing tricks on your eyes. You're safe now.”

“I can't believe you just punched my stomach without warning”, I replied as I didn't know what else to say and he swallowed.

“I'm sorry, does it hurt a lot? Also, about before...” He grabbed my wrist and leaned against a wall to his right. “If you want me to leave after all I have or haven't done to you just say so. I will do whatever you want.”

_Whatever you want_ . I closed my eyes for a moment but it didn't change a thing: as soon as I opened them I was once again confronted with the serious expression of Chae Hyungwon. “How far does this 'whatever' go?”

He blinked, slightly taken aback and letting go of my wrist. His eyes clouded and I imagined him thinking about leaving, imagined him disliking that idea when he said: “I'll do anything. Anything as long as it helps you in any way.”

I licked my lips and reached out to thread my fingers through his in a hurry. I didn't know what I was doing, didn't know whom I should trust, didn't know which way was the right one. But I knew that I didn't want Hyungwon to leave, no matter what. Not even after all this turmoil. I was being blind but sometimes that's when you finally start to see.

“Then stay. You said you never lied to me and I'll do the same: I've always been honest with you and I still am. Monsta X is where you belong and I won't take that from you.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek for a moment. I didn't care which side he was on. We would have broken apart without him and that's all that mattered. We needed him just like he needed us, for whatever purposes. _I_ needed him. “I will keep quiet if you want me to. Monsta X is a place you can make mistakes at. Just stay. Do that for me and I'll try to understand the rest.”

His wide eyes were on our hands, then on me and back on our hands before he sneered. “I don't expect you to understand.”

“The thing is I have always been one for the unexpected. I was mad at you today but I told you it didn't last long. I can see your pain. I can see it in your eyes. And I want to trust you so bad it's driving me insane. I can just hope you do the same.”

“I do trust you!”, he shot back right away, his fingers tightening around mine without him seeming to notice. “I have for a long time, I just didn't think it would get out of hand like this. I know you should be the confused one but it's the same for me. That's a truth. Minhyuk, really, I'm sorry and I promise you I never wanted you to misunderstand and-”

“Whatever”, I interrupted him as I let go of his hand, imagining the twitch of his fingers to be his hidden wish to hold on. “Go in. We have to tell the others about the bomb.”

“It was China. Not America.”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment. “You know that from Yi-en too?” Why did talking about that officer make me feel so left out? Why did I get bitter every time I thought about Hyungwon talking to him? Why wasn't I concerned with the possibility of Hyungwon betraying us all? Why did I-

“Don't talk like I'm a criminal”, he almost whined – something I had never heard him do before. “Look, I needed to know the truth. There's no other reason for me to talk to him but finding out what happened for real.”

“Truth. Yeah, great. Never mind, it's okay”, I tried to end the discussion and turned around but Hyungwon wasn't done.

“It's not okay.” He ripped me back by my hood, eager to make me listen to him. “I know not telling you was a mistake. But now you know and...Please do me a favor.”

I turned around. His hand remained on my shoulder like it belonged there and its weight was strangely comforting for some reason. “It depends. What is it you want?”

“Tell me we'll do this together. No matter what happens. Tell me you won't let me fall now, I wouldn't take it. You promised you wouldn't let me down and I took that on trust.”

“I'd have to count on your honesty as well.” I took a few deep breaths, admiring the mixture of deep pain, worry and anxiety in his eyes. I actually didn't care whether he lied or not. His words had too much of a weird effect on me to think straight. How could I have said no? And I really had promised after all. _I'm always true to my word._ “If that's what you deem best-”

“I don't.” He licked his lips and his fingers curled around the fabric of my thick shirt. “I really don't. It will be scary and unsettling b-but...Your company on the way...It's the only thing I wish for right now. And that's the truth as well.”

I clenched my teeth and exhaled with a nod. He couldn't lie and be that confident at the same time. It had to be his actual wish. It drove me insane to have him beg for me to stay with him. Neither of us had much of a choice. We were depending on each other anyway. “Together...There's no going back, right?”

He nodded with his lips pressed together for a moment. “I'm afraid there never was.”

 

“And you can't be mistaken? That bomb wasn't America but China?”, Jooheon asked in disbelief and I licked my lips with a nod.

“No doubt. I heard an officer talk to his friend about it.” Hyungwon's head turned towards me but I only concentrated on clenching my teeth once I was done talking. I wouldn't tell on him but that didn't mean I supported his decision to keep his spy-nature a secret from us. I still couldn't believe it.

Changkyun craned his neck and shuffled closer to have a look at my lowered eyes. “Why did you cry?”

“I didn't-” I stopped myself with a sigh. Of course they'd pick up on that minor detail. “It was just a shock.”

Hyungwon's hand twitched as if to hold on to my arm but he regained his composure and cleared his throat to talk for the first time since we had entered the house. “You would be the same if you had seen the ruins. It's all so real all of a sudden.” His hand twitched again and I forced myself to look elsewhere to not be distracted any more.

Kihyun buried a hand in his hair and sighed. “We need to act. It doesn't matter if we're on nobody's side, we'll get bombed by China and America all the same if it goes on like this.”

Shownu took a few deep breaths while massaging his temples. “We need Wonho to decide on what to do. We're in this together.”

“I say we go down to Ulsan and join the American force. I've had enough of those rats called officers”, Jooheon groaned and Hyungwon agreed quietly.

“It would be the best to do that. Let's wait for Wonho to come back, gather our things and go for now. We might come back sooner or later but it's not safe here. Nowhere is safe anymore, we need to be on the move.”

I closed my eyes and wanted to leave for my room but turned around again to look at Hyungwon. “You think there won't be any more unwanted surprises if we go?”

We stared at each other for a solid ten seconds during which my whole frustration was conveyed to him and he licked his lips with clouded eyes. “I don't think there can be a more unwanted surprise than what happened today.”

“If you say so.”

“It's really weird, isn't it? How did they manage to hit our stocks if they dropped the bomb at random? It's almost as if-” I walked up the stairs and closed the door to my room before Changkyun could finish that thought, leaning my head against the wood in resignation.

I was trying hard not to believe Hyungwon's every word. I felt like I shouldn't just accept all of his suggestions like leaving for somewhere unknown. It might have been Jooheon to throw the first stone but Hyungwon had agreed without hesitation. It could be a trap. It could have been planned all along.

At the same time I was trying to believe him. Every time I would say something indirectly directed at him he would get it and react in a way that sounded hurt or defensive. I just couldn't bring myself to think he had been lying to us for months. He didn't seem to be like that. I didn't want to believe that Hyungwon had given out information to the army. I didn't want him to feel guilty after seeing all the hurt in his eyes.

“Really, why am I like this?”, I groaned while dragging my feet towards the bed again. I didn't know what to think anymore.

It was the irregular sounds that caught my attention shortly before the door to my room opened and Kihyun stepped in with a careful but kind smile. “Mind if I say something?”

“Whatever you want”, I replied with a shrug and he hobbled to my desk to sit down in the old chair.

“I'm not in favor of you walking around with crusty hands. You should wash them.”

I glanced at my palms to find them littered with tiny dark red dots of dried blood. How come I had forgotten all about how I had hurt my hands when I fell back at the alley? The skin started itching all of a sudden and I bit down on my lower lip. “I tripped.”

“The reason doesn't matter but the outcome. Stand up, we're going to the bathroom.”

“Nah, I'm fine.” Kihyun's eyes narrowed at my lack of compliance and he drew himself up to go to the bathroom and come back with whatever he needed to wash the crusty blood off. I knew resisting any longer would result in him hitting me with his crutches so I just held out my hands for him to have a look at. “It's nothing major, only a lot of little stuff. It's not as bad as it looks.”

“Is playing things down one of your favorite games these days? Because you've been doing that a lot lately”, Kihyun mumbled and I let out a hiss when he wiped the sore skin with a cotton soaked with disinfectant.

“How would you even know?”

“You would never be this gloomy if there wasn't something on your mind. You wouldn't get defensive either. Spit it out.”

Another sigh broke out of me and Kihyun sat down beside me on the bed.  _Hyungwon is a spy and I think he could have betrayed us but still he wouldn't do that and he also told me he had no intention of doing it so it's fine?_ I shook my head in a hurry. “I can't tell you because I promised him I wouldn't tell anyone.”

Again I could feel his eyes on me but did my best to keep mine down. “It's something about Hyungwon, right? That walking secret, really. I hope it's nothing that consumes the two of you separately.”

“Why would you bring Hyungwon into this all of a sudden? I never mentioned him, did I? I didn't, right?” I glanced at Kihyun by accident and saw his raised brow right before stopping myself. So much for being normal. I leaned back lying down on the bed with my legs dangling from the side.

My opponent poked my belly with his index finger and I groaned while curling into a small ball. “You're weird today”, Kihyun muttered with a pout. “You're either too clingy or unapproachable but never like this. Did you confess your love or anything?”

“Did not!”, I gasped with gigantic eyes disbelieving of what the other was assuming out of the blue. “Stop asking, it's...it's much more complicated than that.”

“Suddenly it's not that surprising that your relationship is so ambiguous anymore”, Kihyun sighed and drew himself up by his crutches. “Whatever you say. I'll go get something to eat before the markets are emptied out by panicking people buying all there is.”

“Do that”, I mumbled with my eyes directed at the ceiling and listened to the sound of his crutches before I was wrapped in silence again.

_What have you done to me?_

_Did you confess your love or anything?_

Did I? Was that the reason why I was being this irrational and indecisive? “No way I did. He's a spy and I'm just angry”, I whispered to myself with a firm shake of my head. “Right, I just don't know why I'm angry and that's it.” Of course nobody was there to agree with me and I rolled over to bury my face in my cushion with a sigh. That just couldn't be it.

 

________________

 

I was angry for the next few hours. At Yi-en. At myself. At the world. Simply everything that had caused Minhyuk to doubt me. I wanted to clarify things but how? There wasn't anything else I could say to him but the stuff I had said before entering the house again. It was frustrating to have to endure his jabs.

 _I heard an officer talk to his friend about it._ I wasn't Yi-en's friend anymore. I wasn't anything.

_You think there won't be any more unwanted surprises if we go?_ Why did it sound like he expected me to betray him once the time was right?

Shownu cleared his throat after Kihyun had left for the supermarket with Changkyun in tow. “You're scowling.”

I swallowed quickly and blinked. “I am?”

Jooheon groaned while stretching his limbs on the armchair. “Are you thinking about the war? Because same. Don't worry too much.”

“I'm not- well, yeah, I'm worried. But not for myself but us as a group. I was wondering how I could keep us together. I don't want us to fall apart once we get there. How will I prevent them from breaking us up to go to different places.” I cleared my throat and took a deep breath. Yeah, that was the overall problem. Minhyuk was just a part of it. A very big and nerve-wrecking part. Okay maybe this was all about him.

“I don't think you can influence them that easily. This isn't BTS or Seventeen. It's America”, Shownu muttered and I nodded my head with a slight smirk. I could disclose some information without getting caught, at least I believed I could.

“That's true, I need to be useful first and I do have something to offer. I have information about the army I took from the Chinese intranet from during the radio tower thing.” I licked my lips and avoided directly looking at them. “I copied them before destroying the access. They're upstairs on a thumb drive in my room. America might listen to my _humble_ request if I offer them that in return. That's...yeah, that's what I was thinking about.” _Apart from Minhyuk._

“You what?”, Jooheon exclaimed in confusion and Shownu cocked his head to the side with his brows knit together.

“You thought of that in such a tense situation?”

“It's no biggie. I used to do this a lot-” I stopped myself and shot a worried glance at the two guys. I didn't want them to already know I was a spy. I would wait a little more. It was enough to have to deal with a hurt Minhyuk for now. I put on a lopsided smirk to appear to be joking. “You're talking to the one who always has a plan. These plans are the result of many other plans of the past and information is the most crucial thing to everyone. Of course I thought of that. It's...It's basic for some reason.”

They exchanged a short glance but didn't comment on my weird reply and Shownu seemed to be concerned with something else anyway. “You know, Minhyuk has changed.”

I froze at the mention of his name and swallowed hard. “Well, he doesn't take drugs anymore. Might be because of that-”

“No way”, Jooheon interfered and Shownu shook his head as well.

“It's not this whole thing of him worrying about the war, it's something else. He is...how to describe it? Jooheon?”

“Completely dependent? Irrational? Careful around the beanstalk sitting over there? Quiet?”

“Careful. That describes it to some extent”, Shownu calmly agreed before looking at me once more. “Did something happen?”

_What have you done to me?_ I shook my head in a hurry to rid it of the flashback. “He's worried. Nothing else.”  _Worried about you guys being betrayed by me. Worried about his own state of mind. Worried about the future. The usual stuff._

“Are you sure?”

“Sure I am.” I swallowed again and waited in tense silence until the topic was dropped after a few suspicious glances. It wasn't perfect but at least they didn't keep pushing the matter.

 

And then, the day just moved on and on without any major happenings. We had lunch together and Wonho came back around three in the afternoon. It was all seven of us in the house again. We told him about our plan and everybody started discussing what to take along or which way to take for about an hour. “Good thing Minhyuk got all the oil beforehand so it's not that big of a deal, is it?”, Wonho stated at some point while staring at the glass in his hands. “I mean it's not that bad because we didn't lose it all yet. Even if they bombed the place on purpose I don't see any problem for the near future. We'll manage.”

“You're somewhat right”, Minhyuk replied to that and we went back to talking about the best way down to Ulsan. Minhyuk didn't directly talk to me but the unsure looks he shot me every now and then said more than a thousand words. They revealed his whole inner struggle centering around me and had me sigh without warning from time to time. Later that evening when he had already retired for the day I excused myself and stood up but Wonho's voice had me stop for a moment.

“You really can't leave him alone, can you?”

I glanced over my shoulder and the others' talks quieted down in confusion. Wonho's voice had had a certain amount of sharpness to it and it made me uncomfortable. “You'd rather I didn't care the slightest about him?”

“I'm just wondering what makes you stick to him so much. Is it because you want to or because you need to?” Something felt weird about the way he said it but I replied without thinking anyway. Wonho was weird after all, maybe I was just imagining it as well.

“The prior. No sweat, I'm just concerned with his health. Physically as well as mentally.” I was quick to walk out of the room and up the stairs to escape the questioning looks everyone was giving me. _Because you want to or because you need to?_ I sighed quietly. I wanted to be near him, tell him how I was sorry for keeping secrets. Wanted him to say that everything would be fine. Even though he was the only one not happy with me staying at the house he had still asked me to stay in the morning. I didn't know whether it was gratitude or a bad conscience but compared to the others there was just a certain pull to him. A pull that drew me towards his room as soon as I couldn't see him. 

It scared me to think about a person's opinion of me this much.

To be very honest, I was scared of entering the room when I opened the door.

To be very honest, I wanted to reconcile with him but didn't know whether he would let that happen so soon.

To be very honest, I felt the need to just curl up by his side while he was sleeping soundly.

And then, after I walked up to his bed and examined his expression for a good minute, I did exactly that. I lay down without him knowing. Closed my eyes without listening to the alarms in my head. At some point I even reached out for his hand without giving a damn about whether he'd wake up or not.

I just wanted to be near him and have him understand when I pressed my forehead against the back of his hand.

_There's no going back, right?_

To be very honest, I didn't want to go back.

But why? And what about him?

 

When I woke up Minhyuk was gone. I didn't know about his thoughts or reaction concerning me being right next to him and I was wide awake in the blink of an eye to roll out of bed and walk down the wooden stairs. Where was he? Where should I look? My eyes scanned the living room but only Shownu was sitting at the table with a newspaper spread out in front of him. “Have you seen Minhyuk?”, I asked while trying not to sound too nervous and the other raised his head.

“Minhyuk? He accompanied Jooheon to university today, was up pretty early. He should be back around noon.” He pointed at a note that was lying on the coffee table and I scanned the words in a hurry. Shownu was right, it was definitely his handwriting and I swallowed. What if he told Jooheon about me being a spy? Would it even matter? _Depends on how he puts it_ , I commented in my head with a sigh. _Please just let him keep quiet for now._

My resolution hadn't changed. I didn't want to tell them until we were already on our way to Ulsan. After Minhyuk's comment the day before I figured they might think it to be a trap if I told them about my past occupation. I would never backstab them but how could they be sure of that? This whole ordeal was a pain that wouldn't exist if I had told them about it beforehand. But no, Hyungwon always does things on his own. _You never have to do anything alone._

I didn't want my frustration to show and just went for the kitchen to grab myself a coffee. I didn't like the brown stuff but I needed caffeine to distract myself. It would make me think about the most random things and right now, random was the best it could get.

The hours passed, shadow and light switched places on the outside. Noon. One in the afternoon. Two. Three. Shownu knew I was waiting for Minhyuk for some reason and looked up from his book at some point. “I think he's fine, don't worry. Your foot tapping is getting a little bit annoying. You can just go look for him, maybe he's at Seventeen's?”

I forced my foot to stop moving and took a deep breath. “Sorry, I'm...I'm just- whatever. Yeah, I'll...I'll go for a walk and get some fresh air.” I didn't know why I had been waiting for Minhyuk all day. What would I have said once he came back? Hi? Sorry? Thank you? All three would have been legitimate things to say but the more I thought about it the less I believed I would have said anything. I was still too shook by the fact that he had lost his temper the day before.

 _You're still one of them._ All the hurt and disappointment in his eyes. _You planned all of this, didn't you?_ The disbelief when he thought he had understood what my goal was. He had been so wrong but then why did a wrong thing hurt so much?

 _You never have to do anything alone._ I always had to do things on my own. _Hearing you say that makes me angrier._ I didn't want him to get angry because of me.

I closed the door after stepping out and took a deep breath before walking towards Seventeen's station. How come I hadn't noticed how important he was to me? How come I was worrying so much about him? How come I hadn't stopped this when I still had the chance to? I only made it halfway before a certain sound had me freeze. A whistle.

I stood still and swallowed while trying not to be too obvious. There was an elderly couple walking down the street and I glanced at their white hair that reminded me of Minhyuk when the whistle was heard again. _That pattern._ There was no mistaking it. I spun around to face the direction the sound had come from. He had told me he didn't know how often he would have time to visit me during war and two days in a row were unusual.

I licked my lips and started walking, following the whistle whenever it was heard. The more steps I took the angrier I got. He had ruined everything. Yi-en had ruined everything Minhyuk had tried to build up. All the trust had vanished into thin air in a matter of seconds and now all I could do was apologize to Minhyuk for something I hadn't done. Or had I? Was it my fault for not telling him?

I let out a groan of frustration and kicked the gravel while rounding another corner in a hurry, steps speeding up. This was the last straw. Today I'd cut ties with Yi-en. I would no longer do anything to pretend I was still on his side. Would no longer pretend he was the only one trying to mend me. I would rise. Where was he? Where was that damn officer?

“This is the last time I let you call me”, I stated without emotion, fists clenched by my sides and someone stepped out from another side alley. His face was hidden behind a black mask, hair covered by a cap but I could still tell it was of light color. I breathed in again, a rattling breath this time. _Do it Hyungwon. Tell him you're done._ Just when I was about to speak up I noticed something was off. The frame of my opponent wasn't Yi-en's. Their shoulders were broader, arms thicker. Still it was strangely familiar.

“That's a pity. I like that tune a lot.” _What-_ The person looked up to show me their eyes and removed the mask from their face. “It's so mysterious, don't you think? Not knowing who actually calls you but you still follow without any second thoughts. Looks like my guesses were right from the start.”

I was shook. I couldn't even move a finger and just stared back at my opponent with wide eyes. How? Why was he here? Why was it him? I licked my lips and reminded myself of how to breathe when he stepped closer to me. “You're so shocked. What, you expected someone else? You'd rather I was Yi-en? Now that hurts.”

He put one hand on his chest while the other reached out for me but I tried to escape his touch and just fell down to my knees with my hands covering my mouth. It was one thing that he knew about me but it was another to know about Yi-en. My brain just didn't function at all at that very moment. “That tune. How did you know it?”, I managed to ask but he just crouched down with a shrug and met me at eye level.

“I could ask you the same.” He glanced around with a smirk forming on his lips. “You know, this scene reminds me of how I broke you a few months ago. You were crying and stuff and it was really confusing. Today I know why you were like that. They still treat you like shit whenever you go back to them?”

I swallowed and licked my lips. “Okay look you might have misunderstood. I don't know what you're thinking but I'm not a spy. Not anymore. I'm not giving China anything. I didn't plan to-”

“I know, Hyungwon. Of course you don't.”

“No, I'm serious. Look, I wanted to tell you guys all about it but how would I have made you believe me?” I furrowed my brows and stared at him in return. “On the other hand...how did you know? And how come I didn't notice? Do the others know-”

“That's a whole lot of questions”, he replied with a smirk that fell only an instant later. “I know you probably never had a choice. But neither did I. I didn't want to know about you being a spy. I wanted to trust you for real seeing how Minhyuk was all in for you. I didn't want to be in this position right here and right now but I need to protect my brothers.”

I was busy processing the situation and could only think of one thing over and over again. “Why did you know the whistle pattern?”

“Because _turtle_ told Yi-en to go help his friend Hoseok. So Yi-en started teaching Hoseok some things he knew. Rings a bell?”

“But that would mean you're-”

“Hoseok? Yeah, now isn't that revelation funny? Surprise. It's common name I could never stand ever since middle school. So I started introducing myself as someone else. Why so pale, Hyungwon? Have you been caught? But I thought there was nothing you had given China? You have something to confess to me after all? Didn't you want Yi-en to help me?”

“I didn't do anything, I swear. And Hoseok was- I mean, the BTS member he-” Where was he if he wasn't with Yi-en? Had I made a mistake?

“I want to believe that. What's your word worth though after you lied to us all this time?”

“Tell me how you found out first. Since when do you know?”

“Life's a game of give and take, Hyungwon. I was forced to work with the army but the information I got was interesting enough to stay. I was wondering whether you telling on the Clan on that fateful day was intended for real.”

“I'm confused. I just don't understand”, I admitted with my throat drying up more and more.

“Still? Wow, you must be really shocked if you can't come to a conclusion. Then I'll put it simple for you.” He leaned closer and I stared right back at him when his smirk found its way back to his face. “There has never been a person in Monsta X that's called Wonho on any official document. My birth name is Shin Hoseok. And we can be friends or foes, you get to choose.”

 


	28. Fear can mediate really well

Wonho. The blond flirt of Monsta X. He was crouching right in front of me with a calculating look to his eyes. With a mistrusting look to his eyes. But wasn't I the one who should have been mistrusting? He was Wonho. He had been Wonho all the time I had known him. And suddenly he introduced himself as Shin Hoseok.

“You're a spy”, I finally managed to say and he huffed.

“You're the real spy here.”

“I know but you're not-” _You're not good enough to be a spy. Your Chinese is horrible._

“You're not even denying it? I thought you'd put up a fight”, he mumbled through clenched teeth and I licked my lips.

“When did you become one, W-Wonho?”

“It's not as complicated as you might think. I told you I couldn't choose. I know we might even be in the same boat but how can I be sure? I can't. Not even after everything that happened with Minhyuk.” His jaw tensed and he looked to the side while taking a deep breath. “Back when you found me at the brothel I told you I had met my old man again, right? You remember?” I didn't recall and shook my head. Wonho clicked his tongue as he rose to his feet. “Well I did, it was the truth. It was _his_ brothel after all. He wanted something in return for blocking the room of the little girl. I didn't even get to say anything-”

The blond froze up when steps were heard and my already wide eyes only kept widening. What the fuck was going on here? The third person approached and I glanced past Wonho to find a white head of hair speeding towards us. _Oh great_. I suppressed a groan. “Wonho? Hyungwon?”

“Don't go near him, Minhyuk”, Wonho growled and blocked the other's way with his arm. “He's a spy.”

“How often do I have to tell you I didn't betray-”

“You can say whatever you want! It won't change what Yi-en told me about you guys. Don't say you didn't meet again because I _know_ you did.”

“Hold up”, Minhyuk cut in as he pushed past Wonho's arm and helped me get to my feet again. His voice was stern and without a chance of negotiation. “I want you both to keep calm. Whatever you have to say we'll listen to all of it and evaluate. I've got enough questions for both of you.” Wonho opened his mouth in protest but Minhyuk only glared at him with a huff. “Brothel? Spy? You have a lot of explaining to do, young man. You know I'm-”

“It's not- I mean, Minhyuk, I'm not-”

“We'll explain one by one so let's just sit down someplace quiet”, I interrupted before things could get further out of hand. Minhyuk was right, we had to sit down and listen to each other. And I wanted to know what the hell was going on as quickly as possible. “Somewhere nobody unfit listens.”

Minhyuk's grip on my arm tightened while his other hand reached for Wonho's. “The building a few streets down is empty.”

Neither of us said another word until the white-haired reached his destination and we started walking up the stairs. I noticed how he avoided looking out of the windows we passed by and inhaled to say something but Wonho beat me to it. “Are you okay? We don't need to go that high.”

“I'm fine”, Minhyuk growled through clenched teeth. “The higher we get the less people can hear us.”

I let myself be dragged along until we finally reached the fifth floor. Minhyuk let go of my arm and Wonho's hand but the latter had other plans. He yanked Minhyuk back by his wrist and put an arm around his shoulders with a cold gaze directed towards me. “I told you he's a spy. Stay away from him.”

Minhyuk pushed himself away with an annoyed expression. Minhyuk was never annoyed with anyone. Especially not Wonho. “I know. Just sit down.” A moment of silence passed during which Wonho looked all the more confused. He wanted to say something but couldn't believe what he had just heard. My sigh got stuck in my throat when Minhyuk raised his voice all of a sudden. “I still can't see you sitting down?”

We were quick to obey and he crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Who wants to go first? There's far too many secrets between the three of us.” Wonho stared at the ground and I met gazes with Minhyuk for a moment. His eyes were filled with anxiety and uncertainty. He didn't know what was going on but he was willing to listen as always. As always. He knew my part already so it was obvious whom he'd call out next. “Wonho. What's with the b-brothel stuff?”

“I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid of your memories!”, he blurted out with frustration visible on his face. “You didn't remember back when my problems started and I thought you would- thought you might-” A sigh escaped his lips and he took a rattling breath. “I didn't want you to hate me for what my family started.”

“I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other”, Minhyuk whispered with hurt in his voice when he glanced at me again. He meant both of us.

“I didn't think I ever would either. But I was thinking it to be for your own good”, Wonho replied just as quietly while fidgeting with his hands. Suddenly the creepy guy from only minutes ago had turned into a shy puppy in front of Minhyuk. What a strange behavior. I swallowed. _But are you any different?_

Our mediator ran a hand through his hair. “How considerate. And I suppose you knew, Hyungwon?”

I shrunk under his gaze and chewed on my lip with a nod. “I only knew up to the reason why he goes there. Not the...consequences.” I turned towards Wonho again. “But how did you become a spy and why didn't you tell me if you knew?”

“Why did you-”

“ _I'm_ asking the questions”, Minhyuk cut us off while sitting down on the dark ground. “There's a lot to explain and I'm totally not fine but we'll do this step by step or it will never be resolved. Hyungwon, shut up for a while. Wonho-” Again he looked at the blond to his left. “-that's what you meant last week, right? I'd forgotten about it with all the panic surrounding Shownu.”

“Wait, what-” I stopped talking upon seeing Minhyuk's glare and adjusted my sitting position. The right time would come. It was my turn to wait for answers.

 

________________

 

“ _Minhyuk, can I talk to you for a moment?” I turned around with a frown and looked at Wonho's fingers circling around my wrist._

“ _I need to go look for Shownu and Jooheon”, I insisted but his grip didn't loosen._

“ _It's important.”_

_I didn't like it when he got serious and squirmed for a good five seconds before letting him drag me into the garden. He licked his lips and took a deep breath, eyes all over the place but never resting on me. He was nervous beyond words. “Okay, Minhyuk, listen. You know I'm not home a lot these days, right? The reason is a little complicated and I want to apologize. Just know that anything I do that might harm the Clan is still part of my plan. I don't have a choice. I might end up looking like the bad guy but I'm not. I'm doing my best to keep you guys safe and I just want you to know that. I'm not giving out information that is concerned with your identities.”_

“ _Wonho, what's wrong? It sounds worse than anything you went through before.”_

“ _Ha”, he sneered with a helpless smile, “it_ is _.”_

“ _Then why don't you just-”_

_My words were interrupted by the front door opening and I was quick to abandon Wonho and run back inside to find Jooheon on our doorstep. “Oh my God, Jooheon. Where have you been? What's happened? You know, there's this thing that Shownu-”  
“I shouldn't have suggested it”, he muttered under his breath over and over again._

_And things spiraled into chaos._

 

“You were talking about being a spy, weren't you?”, I clarified myself and Wonho lowered his head.

“Yes.”

What would have happened if I hadn't seen Wonho's blond hair on my way back from Jooheon's university? Would I still be wandering in the shadows of assumptions? Would he ever have told me? I couldn't hold back a disbelieving huff. What was this even? “So _now_ you're all coming out, yeah? What do you think, how many spies do we have in Monsta X? Is it all six of you guys? Am I the normal one now?”

“No, that's not-” Hyungwon and Wonho started at the same time and stopped to stare at each other – Wonho in mistrust and Hyungwon in shock.

“Okay, I need a summary”, I brought the attention back to myself, “Wonho is a spy. Wonho went to a brothel for some reason? Wonho isn't the bad guy. Right?” He nodded frantically and I closed my eyes. “Hyungwon is a spy. Hyungwon met up with his ex- I mean his former comrade. Hyungwon isn't the bad guy. Right?”

The other licked his lips with his eyes locked on mine. He wanted me to believe him so bad. “Right.”

“That leaves us with the question of 'Why' but we're all on the same side. Right?”

The two of them glanced at each other and Hyungwon was about to confirm it when Wonho shook his head. “How can we trust his words? He's been a spy and assassin for about three years now. Why would he-”

“The question of 'Why' will be asked later”, I insisted while massaging my temples. This was like a kindergarten. A kindergarten of war but still just as immature as a normal one. Pointing fingers wasn't of any help, I had only learned about that the day before myself. _Three years._ Three years of Hyungwon's life had consisted of nothing but gaining trust and then destroying it. It was not surprising that he had difficulties with finding his place now. The more I thought about his words from when he had chased after me the more I found myself believing him so I sighed. “I'll ask again: Are we all on the same side? The side of Monsta X? We are, right?”

“Right”, Hyungwon confirmed with a serious voice and Wonho chewed on the inside of his cheek for a while before finally nodding his head.

“Right.”

“Good. Then let's not talk like enemies.”

 

It seemed like we had all known things about each other that had been kept a secret from the third. It led to misunderstandings and caused things to get out of hand. I was confused most of the time but we sat for a whole hour talking things out and even Hyungwon opened up to Wonho after getting to know about his whole story. He left out things like the general and his mental issues but he even mentioned 'his brother' in passing. Things were going well.

So let's start with Wonho:

I knew his real name was Shin Hoseok. Hyungwon knew his father owned a chain of brothels around Korea. Wonho had never told me because back when we had gone to school he had heard about the mother who had become a slut for her son to survive. When he found his way to Monsta X he realized that I was that left behind son through one of my (worthless) tries to stop taking Delphinium at once. He didn't want to revive bad memories by telling me his parents were brothel tycoons. He wanted to protect me from my past. He had run away from home anyway, there was no need to talk about his parents. And I hadn't questioned him for it all this time.

Hyungwon knew about the reason for Wonho's current ordeal. There was a little girl he had tried to protect by blocking her room at the brothel. He wanted to get her out of that hell but there was no way and his father got wind of his son frequenting one of his brothels. After a lot of heated discussions and curses Wonho had to give in to his old man. If he wanted the room of the little girl to remain blocked he'd have to do as his parents said. They sent him to the army to establish a reputation.

I knew about his wish to be considered the good guy. His wish to make everyone as happy as possible. He hadn't gone there to stand on the winning side. Wonho was used to gambling but not when his friends were at stake. And even though he didn't know himself Hyungwon seemed to be the one who had made it possible for Wonho to come back to us. By asking Yi-en to take care of  _his friend Hoseok_ things got messed up a little. It wasn't BTS' Hoseok like Hyungwon had originally thought but Shin Hoseok that is Wonho. Because of his connection to one of the best spies of that area (yes, that's what they had called Hyungwon) he had been granted special treatment. Wonho was allowed to go out of the training camp and meet up with Hyungwon for hands-on experience. 

Not to mention that Hyungwon asking Yi-en for help caused the latter to talk about 'turtle' most of the time he was practicing Chinese with Wonho.

Which brings us to Hyungwon:

I knew about his mental problems, traumas, doubts. Wonho knew about his doings from when he was still with the army. They were cruel and sent shivers down my spine. A never-ending killing spree. The uncovering of at least three revolts. He had been involved in many counterinsurgencies. It was a dark past but I knew that he hadn't had a choice either. Sangwon, his bastard of an instructor and Yi-en. They were all reasons for his emotions to become twisted and lonely. I couldn't understand the pressure you were under while fighting for China but reminding myself of how broken Hyungwon had been just by talking about those memories gave me a first impression of that.

I knew Hyungwon had turned away from the army as soon as Yi-en had left him on his own, which was something like five or six months ago now. Wonho knew Hyungwon was still in contact with Yi-en. And that was the point where the misunderstanding was rooted. Hyungwon hadn't told Yi-en that the flowers were dangerous, on the contrary, he had tried to prevent them from burning everything but had failed. The first wrong step had been that he had drugged himself without permission and from then on every time he tried to fix something it was destroyed a little more. This led Wonho to believe that Hyungwon was actually on the army's side though he wasn't.

 

I sighed into the silent room and Hyungwon, having stood up ten minutes ago, leaned against the wall next to a broken window. “That still leaves two questions. First, where did the other Hoseok go?”

“I'm afraid he wasn't saved”, Wonho simply replied with a shrug. “He might be alive. Might be dead. We can't tell for sure.”

Hyungwon closed his eyes for a while and I could practically hear him scold himself for not doing a better job at looking out for him. He found his voice again after another short silence. “Second, you-” He looked at Wonho from narrowed eyes. “Yi-en said  _Hoseok_ had said something about the flowers to him. That this was somehow connected to the bomb they dropped yesterday. Wonho, if you're on the Clan's side then why? This has been bothering me throughout this whole discussion because it doesn't make sense. What did you tell them?”

My eyes widened and I looked from Wonho to Hyungwon and back again. “What?”

Wonho pressed his lips together, drawing his knees up to rest his chin on them.  _Defensive position_ . “They would have kept me inside if I hadn't given them any information. Said I wouldn't get to see my friends anymore if I didn't start acting like what I was trained to become. I had to tell them  _some_ thing.”

“What did you tell them?”, Hyungwon insisted and Wonho clenched his teeth.

“I knew you had already taken all the oil. I had seen the blue jars before so I was sure there weren't all that many flowers left so I-...I just vaguely told them about the location and-”

“You did _what_?”, I whispered in disbelief but Hyungwon had me stop with a sign of his hand. He was far more composed than I was and I forced myself to relax.

“Do you actually _know_ what that bomb caused?”

“Lives were lost, I know. I fucking know, okay? I killed people.” Wonho buried his face in his arms and let out a heartbreaking sigh. “I had heard about the bombing plans before. The question was just where to drop it so I thought...thought I-” Hyungwon walked over to the crouching male and reached out with a trembling hand. He hesitated for a moment, glanced at me and then put his hand on Wonho's head. What was he doing? Petting a dog?

“Doesn't feel very nice. No, it's shit, right? Don't worry you'll get better”, he mumbled with half-concealed pain on his face.

“I saved a bunch of flowers”, Wonho uttered muffled by his knees and I exchanged a glance with Hyungwon. “I didn't know how much time there was. I ran right after telling them and dug a few of the flowers out. They're at the b- the brothel. My little girl takes care of them, keeps the room warm and everything. It might work, you know? At least we still have that, right? I didn't know what else to do. It was the right choice, right?”

“Wonho, do you really think losing the flowers was the worst about-”

“No, he did well”, Hyungwon cut in before rising to his feet again. The look in his eyes was one of understanding as well as one of sadness. He knew what Wonho was going through, that's what it seemed like. “He didn't know how many houses would collapse. Telling the families in their homes that a bomb might be dropped on them in the next twenty-four hours isn't quite reassuring. The flowers were all he could save. It's...I would have been the same, I guess. It was all he could do as a single person.”

He shot me a helpless glance all of a sudden and I figured he wanted me to give in. To accept what had happened; even the losses. It was that gaze that had me kneel down by Wonho's side. Lives were lost. But Hyungwon was right – there was nothing we could have done after Wonho had already told the army about the location anyway. And having him locked up in an army camp was no option either. It wasn't worth blaming him now.

“You did well”, I whispered, taking his head in both of my hands to make him look at me. He was crying. I hadn't seen anyone of Monsta X cry in months if not years and suddenly, in one week most of us had had a breakdown from facing reality. What a shitty reality. “You did well, Wonho. What matters is that you're still here.”

His bottom lip started trembling and he clenched his teeth to make it stop. “I didn't know I needed you to tell me so bad.” A helpless laugh escaped his lips when he rubbed his hands across his face to get rid of the tears. “Thank you. For not throwing me away all this time.”

“Now don't be like that”, I replied and drew him in for a tight embrace.

“I killed people. I killed them. I don't- I didn't mean to- I-”

“Things happen without you having any influence on them”, Hyungwon's voice was heard and when I glanced up at him I found him looking out of the window again, his fists now clenched around the fabric above his side. “You have to learn that people die. Some earlier than others. And sometimes even for you. But that doesn't make you the only one at fault. They have a free will. They also have a certain amount of luck. You might miss when you shoot. You might hesitate before pulling the trigger so they get away. If they don't it's bad luck for them. You can't influence that. Just...You can't save everyone.”

Wonho had gone from sniffling to taking slow and deep breaths to calm himself. “You...I thought- You know, Yi-en always said h-how...how fun things were with you. I didn't think you even cared about...about all the lives.”

“I spent more than four years in the army”, Hyungwon retorted with a fake smile. “Most of them as an assassin. You become numb after such a long time. At least on the outside. The worst scars are those you can't see.”

“I'm sorry to hear that.”

Hyungwon's head turned but as soon as he lay eye upon us he clenched his teeth again and looked away. What was wrong? “Hyungwon-”, I began but didn't get much further.

“Do you still think I'm on their side? Because I don't know how else to prove the opposite anymore. I can only repeat that I never had a chance. So I made the best of it. Sounds familiar?” He glanced at us once more with a growl. “Minhyuk, he stopped crying. Can't you let go of him now? He isn't a baby, it's annoying.”

I blinked in confusion and it took Wonho a moment but he then started chuckling to himself, actually managed to  _smirk_ at Hyungwon. He was pushing the topic into a new direction and it made it easier for him to get himself together. Was it intentionally? But why was it annoying that- “What, jealous?” Wonho turned his head towards me and the tip of his nose softly grazed mine. He hadn't been all that flirty for the past weeks, this was weird. I stared back at him. “Turtle is jealous, isn't he?”

I snapped out of my trance and shook my head while pushing Wonho away. “That's crossing the line, Wonho. You know your limits. Act accordingly.” I slid away from his crouching figure and the smirk fell from his face to be replaced by a sad expression.

“Sometimes I wish you weren't like that.” He didn't specify what he meant and my attention was drawn towards the hand Hyungwon extended to help me get to my feet. I stared at it for a while before licking my lips and letting him help me.

He had been right – my trust in him had been shaken and I couldn't bring myself to trust him one hundred percent until then but after he talked even more about that trauma of his, talked about all the shit he had gone through, I found myself believing him. I wanted to trust Hyungwon and so I would. Wonho let out a quiet huff and rose to his feet as well while Hyungwon only hesitantly let go of my hand.

“Are we okay now?”, he asked quietly, eyes on me though I knew he had talked to the blond to my left. Or hadn't he? I nodded just to be sure.

“I feel even more stupid after assuming all the wrong stuff. It's embarrassing”, Wonho pouted quietly.

“That _stuff_ you knew wasn't wrong. Just not everything. And I took you for a bad guy as well so we're even. I'm okay. You?”

“It's not like it would change anything if I wasn't. You have your guardian anyway.” Wonho's gaze landed on me and I took a deep breath to retort something like _don't put it that way_ when he had already shoved me towards the stairs. “Just go. Say no more. Let's go home before your fear of heights sets in.”

I swallowed what I had wanted to say and Hyungwon and I nodded at each other. “Home.”

 

We still didn't tell the others. For what reason we didn't know, maybe it was the fact that we thought the three of us could keep it a secret forever. Maybe we were partners in crime. Maybe we just didn't want to burden the others with more doubts and worries, which was basically the same the two 'spies' had thought before. Maybe I didn't want Hyungwon to tell everyone about his three darkest years. Maybe I wanted to keep his and Wonho's secret for myself.

Whatever it was, we didn't tell the remaining four members of Monsta X. We returned home claiming we had coincidentally run into each other. We laughed and bickered as usual. We didn't let anyone suspect a thing. Except for Hyungwon who would still cast me uncertain and somewhat weird glances every few minutes. I didn't know what the reason for this was either. He just looked unsure for some reason.

I was changing into fresh clothes after showering in the evening and thought about all the revelations of that day when a soft knock was heard. I hummed and pulled a hoodie over my head to see Hyungwon standing by the door. “Hey.”

“Hey.”

He looked a little lost, started fumbling with his words as his hands were folded in front of his stomach and fingers weaved through each other. I stroked a few strands of damp hair back to prevent them from falling into my eyes. “Is something wrong?”

“Y-you really aren't...still mad. Are you?”

My eyes widened and I licked my lips in confusion. “Mad? I- no, I'm really not, I swear. Is that why you were so anxious?”

“Maybe.” He slung his thin arms around his upper body and lowered his head. “I don't know anymore. I don't even know why I came here to ask something completely irrelevant as this.” Was there a whine to his voice? I blinked but couldn't speak up when he continued in a hurry. “I always end up not knowing why I did this or that. I always end up wondering what I'm trying to achieve. But every time I just can't find the reason why I would-”

“Do you _need_ a reason? Do you always ask why?”, I quickly interrupted him just to say something that might shut him up. Sometimes it was care that made you do stupid things. Or worry. He didn't know how to cope with that so he got frustrated. I didn't like it when that happened and stepped closer to him. One step. I didn't like seeing him scold himself in frustration. Two steps. We were about thirty centimeters away from each other. “Ask differently if _why_ bothers you: _What_ do you want?”

“It's irrational and not important-”

“Your own wishes are never of no importance”, I cut him off yet again. “What do you want?”

Hyungwon ran a hand through his hair with a deep sigh and closed his eyes. “Look, I'm not jealous or anything. Wonho was just...he didn't- he got it wrong. Yeah, that was it, he must have gotten it wrong.”

“You're still not telling me what you originally wanted.” I stepped even closer. Twenty centimeters. “Spit it out.”

He tried to avoid looking at me which proved to be difficult with me basically standing in his face and he let out another frustrated groan. “I don't want to sleep alone.”

I almost choked on air and let out a stifled cough while craning my neck to force Hyungwon to look at me. It was the look of a child that had accidentally knocked over some flower vase and had to tell its parents now. It was the look of someone who wasn't happy with what he was doing, someone who didn't know how to cope with broken things. Even with me trying to mend him he still didn't know how to express that he really  _needed_ someone close to him.

I hooked my finger into his collar and dragged him along so that we could both sit down on my bed. “You want my permission to sleep in my room?” Of course that's what he wanted. But he had to say it out loud or he would never get better. He had to voice it when he was depending on someone or something.

“It's rude of me to ask. Especially after I trampled on your trust in me only yesterday. It's not my usual behavior to be this insecure on the outside and I just want you to understand that-”

“You're rambling”, I whispered unable to hold back a chuckle. “So: You want to sleep over?”

He swallowed hard, fists resting on his thighs. “If you want to let a spy stay in your room again, yes.”

I closed my eyes. He was concerned I was still thinking badly of him. He was worried. Had a bad conscience. Felt guilty. I was astonished by the amount of emotions he let me see by then. They say people get closer when going through difficult times together.  _But how close can it get,_ I asked myself in silence as I took in his features for the umpteenth time.

His slim face, the squishy cheeks. We had been strangers and suddenly we were each other's bastion of calm. His big dark eyes and plump lips. What was it that made him different? Wonho's slightly disappointed face appeared in my mind.  _You have your guardian anyway_ .  _Guardian..._ Was that all? 

“Maybe that spy just needs someone to hold on”, I put an end to my thoughts before they could get out of hand. “Stay. You don't have to ask. You didn't do that yesterday either, did you?”

“What do you think is the reason I was anxious all day? Why I went out to look for you?”, he huffed before he could control himself and the words got stuck in my throat. I swallowed several times until the sounds came back.

“Don't worry too much. Wonho understands you now. I'm here as well. Always will be.” I stared at his face with my teeth clenched for a while. I didn't want him to act like we were worlds apart. I wanted him to be right beside me. I wanted him to be in my world and not his own. “Can I hug you?”

“Why are you-”

“You wanted me to ask for permission before. So I just did”, I explained myself and Hyungwon looked at me for a good minute until he slowly reached out for my shirt. Even in the dimly lit room I could tell he was trembling and his fingers curled around the fabric as if to hold on. Was he scared? Relieved? Sad? Thankful? I couldn't tell but his hand was as cold as ice when I let my fingertips graze the skin. “So? Can I?”

He took another deep breath, eyes locked on me with a new glint to them he didn't allow me to see before. A careful smile raised the corners of his mouth when he let out a sound similar to a huff.

“Of course you can.”

 

_Delphinium. Delphinium as far as the eye could see. I was standing in the middle of a blue and violet field and let my fingers graze the tiny flower buds with a sigh. There had been hypnotizing dreams like that before but now the little things suddenly didn't faze me anymore. I could admire all of their beauty from their colors to the fine hair-like structures on the stems without wanting to dig my teeth into the petals like an animal. I felt free and inhaled the bittersweet scent when a gust of wind came and blew all the flowers away, leaving me behind on dark and cold ground._

_A weird sadness filled my heart and I buried my hands in my pockets. A building erupted from the ground, a really tall one, and I watched it grow taller and taller until I couldn't make out the top anymore. It gave me goosebumps, fists clenching in my pockets to suppress the fear that made them tremble._

“ _You have forgotten about me”, a female voice spoke when suddenly I was_ on _the rooftop, a familiar scene repeating itself. I turned towards the edge with wide eyes to find my mother and all of Monsta X standing opposite of me._

“ _No. I remembered”, I whispered through clattering teeth and my eyes wandered over to Hyungwon who was standing right beside her with a soft smile. “I got stronger. I did it for you, mom, I wanted to make you proud and-”_

“ _I don't care whom you did this for. You didn't care whom I did everything for either, did you? You pushed me away. You didn't want me in your head anymore.” She followed my line of sight and grabbed Hyungwon by the collar while my other friends dissolved into black smoke. “So he is the one at fault? How about we send him flying and see how you react this time?”_

_My heart skipped a beat and I stepped closer. “You wouldn't do that.”_

“ _Oh, should you be so sure about that?” She hauled him over the edge and I started running again. Started screaming again. Started tearing up again. But this time it wasn't for my mother. I shoved the woman aside and jumped without thinking twice._

“ _Fool”, I could hear her say just before I took off._ We're up high, _I reminded myself_ , maybe I'll be unconscious by the time we hit the ground anyway.

“ _Hyungwon!”, I screamed and he reached out for my hand with his slender fingers. I held onto them, pulled him closer while we were falling with wind tearing at our clothes and hair. I buried myself in his chest. “I didn't want this to happen, look, I never lost my trust in you”, I whispered as he stroked the back of my head with his fingertips. It felt so good it sent shivers down my spine. “I was just a little mad, okay? I'm sorry, yeah? And now you're in this mess and-”_

“ _It's alright. It was inevitable anyway. Some just die sooner than others.”_

_The environment was unbelievably loud and yet I could hear Hyungwon loud and clear. “But the world has so much more to offer for you. How about America? You wanted to go to America, didn't you? Or...or...” His eyes were closed when I blinked at him through the strong wind and a smile was on his face. I knew this was a dream. There was no other way. But it felt too real to let it pass without trying to hold on. “Let's get out of here.”_

“ _I would but my time has come. Yours hasn't.”_

“ _What-” Before I could ask any further we were supposed to hit the ground but I felt five pairs of arms wrap around me, catch me, keep me alive. Hyungwon's arms on the other hand let go of me and it was as though he fell right through the ground into a never ending darkness. As though he had never existed. “No”, I whispered, scrambling to get out of the arms holding me back. I knelt down and stared at the darkness below with tears forming yet again. “No, please stay-”_

 

I ripped my eyes open to be greeted with my room. Sweat had formed on my forehead and I was panting, heart hammering against my chest. The sun was about to rise, it had to be something like half past five. I spent a good minute calming my breath that was twice as fast just to find that I wasn't the only one breathing in the room.

I wiped the sweat from my face and glanced to my left. A hand. A familiar slender hand. I noticed I wasn't lying on my usual pillow but something thinner, something more solid. An arm. I turned my head to the other side where my right arm had been lying motionlessly and now I could tell why. Something was lying on top of it. A body. I inhaled and looked up at the face, the dark hair, the defined neck. His scent was familiar, strangely familiar, so I sighed with relief flooding my system.

Hyungwon. Alright and in one piece.

How often had I seen him die in my dreams now? Ever since he had left for the raid the other week it was a typical topic. Sometimes he was lying in a hospital bed. Sometimes he fell. Sometimes he was run over. Sometimes shot.

But there were similarities as well. Every time I was left behind. Every time I woke up I would go look for him. Sometimes he was there. Sometimes he wasn't. But I'd always go find him. I'd always find him.

And suddenly he was lying right next to me when I woke up. It made dreaming and worrying about him much easier. I couldn't take my eyes off his features that were relaxed and peaceful in his sleep. _He's here and he's fine._ We had fallen asleep with me clinging to him it seemed. At least I didn't remember letting go after he said that I was allowed to hug him. _Of course you can._ Wasn't it strange that he was fine with all this? How often had he shied away from my touch?

I didn't know today would be the day I snapped. The day we both snapped. And it would only take one reckless thing to make that happen.

_I was just a little mad, okay? I'm sorry, yeah?_ I was apologizing in my dreams but couldn't even talk about my outburst from two days ago when facing him in reality. It was frustrating to not find the right words in front of a very insecure and traumatized person. And still we were this close at that very moment.

I was afraid of moving, afraid of waking him up when his presence was this calming. I didn't want him to get up and leave and go about his day as usual. I just wanted to lie there forever, head resting on his arm while he was spread out like a starfish. I smiled and closed my eyes for some time, enjoying the silence, the homely smell and the feeling of the first sunlight on my face.

But it wouldn't last forever.

That thought was reason enough for me to open my eyes again after, what, half an hour? His expression was still the same, eyes closed and lips slightly parted as though he wanted to say something in his sleep. His chest moving in a steady rhythm.

But how long would this even last?

 _Some just die sooner than others._ Not only was there the possibility of him falling in war but him simply getting up and leaving would destroy this whole image of peace as well. “How can I-”, I breathed so quietly nobody could have heard it, not even he who lay right beside me. _How can I keep you here?_ Why did I even _want_ to keep him there? Why did his touch cause me to feel all weird and reckless?

_He's a spy. Get yourself together_ . My mind had tried to tell me this for days but it had gotten quiet, so quiet. 

_He means no harm,_ I replied to myself like I always would. Over and over again.  _He knows how much he means to us and I know how much we mean to him. He wouldn't be lying to me anymore. It can't be a lie._ Why did I defend him? Why did I abandon everything just to believe him? 

_But if you're so convinced, does he_ really _know_ how _serious_ you _are? He might leave without ever knowing it all. He might be dead by the time you finally manage to express what he means to you. Let him go. It's the best for both of you._ Would that voice never shut up? I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

_I'm sure he'll find out. He's clever and-_

_You know, you always expect him to catch on or tell you things but you never really do something yourself. I say he'll never know._

I glanced at him again. His eyes, his hair, his lips. Everything about him was affecting me too much it drove me crazy. How could I ever put these things into words? He would bail long before I could get to the point. What had I become?

_He'll never know._

I didn't know how long it would last. _But he is here_ now _._

Suddenly, I wanted him to know. Suddenly, talking to him, hugging him and making him laugh wasn't good enough anymore. I wanted to tell him but how on earth should I? He would grow cold, wouldn't he? What exactly did I have to confess in the first place? I grew restless and tried to remove my right arm from its position below Hyungwon's back as careful as possible. The process caused me to sit up half-way until my hand was finally free again, blood rushing in to make it wake up.

He was so different. I had hugged everyone in Monsta X, had talked to them, had laughed with them, had slept beside Wonho and had even been kissed by the blond. But none of these actions could compare to the feeling of watching Hyungwon, hearing him talk, just having him around. It wasn't normal. Was I even allowed to think about this kind of stuff? And how do you put it into words?  _Are words even enough?_

I used my now free hand to support my body when I let my face hover above his to get a better look at him. What could I do to let him know about my thoughts? The ones I couldn't say? My eyes fell on his lips again.  _Don't push your luck_ , the weird voice warned me but what else could I have done? I didn't know for how much longer this moment would last, it was like some sort of trance. It could be perfect.

I couldn't stop it. I didn't want it to stop.

I licked my lips just when he woke up, his whole body twitching once and brows furrowing. I swallowed audibly, knowing that I wouldn't be able to move away before he could catch me, so I just stared back at him when he opened his dark eyes. They were hooded and glanced around lazily for a few seconds before he recognized me and stopped.

Hyungwon's breathing sped up, eye movements growing hectic and lips still slightly parted as though he was searching for words. I blinked slowly and leaned even closer until our noses were lightly touching each other. Why was I doing this? Why was I being like this? I was impossible, how did I dare coming this close? I looked at his eyes once more, seeing the reflection of my white hair in them as well as a mess of emotions. Fear, confusion, a hint of pain. His breath ghosted over my skin. Panic, chaos and then...resignation?

I forced myself to stop and distance myself just enough to grasp this reaction. Why did it look like he was giving up on something? Was it because of me? Did this remind him of the time with his general (that bastard of a cursed imbecile)? Had I crossed the line? Of course I had. Hugs were already the line and now I was even...  _I did wrong._ I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. 

_I told you not to push your luck,_ the voice said and I retreated back to the position I had woken up in. Curled up under the blanket, head resting on Hyungwon's arm. He stared at the ceiling for a while, then turned his head towards me with something like disbelief in his eyes. I swallowed hard, my bad conscience causing me to look away in shame. What was I thinking? How should I explain?

“I'm sorry”, I whispered, listening to his agitated breathing. It was all my fault. “I...I should have asked but...I knew you wouldn't...didn't know I would even- I-” A shiver ran down my spine when his fingers wrapped around my wrist. “Hyungwon, say something.”

I could hear him lick his lips, could hear him take slower breaths but never calm ones. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don't know”, I replied, the realization of what I had done finally sinking in. I had tried to kiss Hyungwon. Why? When had I begun to, you know, be like that? “Say that it's disgusting.” What did I expect him to do? I was reviving his trauma and didn't feel half as sorry as I should. “Say that it's alright.” His slender fingers were warm on my skin and strangely comforting. I took a rattling breath. “Just say _some_ thing.”

He kept staring at me for a few moments that felt like eternity until he exhaled slowly. “I can't do this.”

_Of course he can't tell you it's fine, idiot. You basically betrayed his trust. Who's the bad guy now?_ I blinked to get rid of the painful words in my head and pressed my lips together.  _Now he knows_ . He was mumbling to himself, random syllables I didn't get the meaning of, occasionally interrupted by a quiet 'but what if'.

What was going on in his head? Why was there still this weird resignation to his eyes? What had he given up on? Himself?  _I was completely and utterly at his mercy. But he didn't have mercy on me_ , Hyungwon's words echoed in my head and I inhaled sharply. “I don't want to be like him”, I said quietly, grabbing his attention in a second. “That general. I didn't mean to-”

I didn't get to the end. “You're not.” One moment I was drowning in guilt, the next everything shut down when his fingertips moved across my skin to leave goosebumps behind. He was in a conflict, brows furrowed when he looked at and yet right through me. One moment I was invisible, the next he snapped back into reality.

He moved closer and closer until my whole field of vision consisted of Hyungwon and I heard his breath hitch. “What are you doing? This isn't good for you”, I whispered almost inaudibly quiet when his widened eyes glazed over. Were those tears forming in their corners? Why was he making himself suffer and why didn't I stop him? “Why are you-”

He put his hand on the back of my neck, let his fingers run through my hair just like he had done it in my dream. It was just as relaxing; left my mind spinning round and round. “Don't ask why”, he breathed and his tone of voice assured me of the fact that it was tears I saw. “I don't even know myself.”

It was a déjà vu. We had been here before. I didn't get to stop him until his lips were already one mine.  _I don't even know myself._ This was exactly like back when he had kissed me for the first time. When he had been high. It was the exact same electrifying feeling. It was surprising. I looked at his eyes and saw fear and panic but also relief. As though he knew exactly what he was doing but didn't want to believe it himself.

A few more tears escaped his eyes and I watched them roll down his cheeks until I felt myself give in at last.  _Be my secret._ Did it start then? Was that the reason for all these confusing thoughts to appear in my head? It was meant to be a sweet kiss. Still, with his tears involved, with all the drama involved, it would always be bittersweet. 

And it was somewhat addictive. But there was no Delphinium involved. It was just...us.

It didn't last extraordinarily long, wasn't deep or anything the like. It was merely more than a peck but I felt so lost and lonely when it ended. Hyungwon pulled away to hide his face from me, burying himself in the pillow with his hands helping him shield his expression. I licked my lips like before but there was no taste of Delphinium. It was all Hyungwon, if there was such taste in the first place. Hyungwon and salty tears.

No way of covering this up.

Neither of us knew what to say. I reached out with my hand and ran it through his hair, trying to calm him down in some way but it simply didn't work. Hyungwon had maneuvered himself into a panic attack and there was no use in pestering him with actions, questions and words right away. He was trembling, sniffling, burying himself further in the pillow. And I was at fault. Or wasn't I? I hadn't done anything, it was his own decision but why would he even do something like this?

No excuses.

I heard steps in the corridor outside, recognizing Wonho's pattern. “Minhyuk, you awake?”

Hyungwon froze at the sound of his voice and grabbed my wrist only to pull his hand away a second later as though he didn't know how to react. I wrapped my arm around his head and gave him some sort of lying-down-hug as if this would help him calm down. “Take your time”, I whispered into his ear only to realize how sensitive he was about that and I pulled away to allow him to look at me in a hurry. I wasn't his general. I meant no harm. “We don't need to talk about it.”  _Yes, we do._

I swallowed before climbing out of bed and I felt cold, buried myself further in my hoodie when I walked up to the old door of my room. I glanced back at Hyungwon who had changed into a fetal position the moment I had left the bed once more before turning to leave. Wonho was leaning against the wall when I opened the door with a sigh and I certainly didn't miss out on the glance he shot past me or the way his jaw tensed. “What's up?”

“You're always sleeping in one bed?”, he asked and I dragged him down the stairs in a hurry. Hyungwon was busy with his own thoughts, he couldn't use another opinion to think about. And me neither.

“It helps him with his nightmares.”

“He looked as though he was having-”

“A panic attack? Yeah, that happens”, I replied a bit too quickly for it to sound casual. I started chewing on my bottom lip and Wonho's eyes stared straight at me until I couldn't take it anymore. “Wonho, I can trust you, right?”

“If this is still about the spy issue I told you already that I'm-”

“Not as a spy. As a friend. I can trust you, right? I can tell you things, right?”

I must have sounded slightly panic stricken because his stance changed from defensive to attentive in the blink of an eye. “Of course.”

“Good, because I-” What was I even trying to achieve here? What was I thinking? Was I even thinking? “You know that feeling when someone's touching you and you just kind of shut off? Like you can't do anything about it but for some damn reason you just relax and stop thinking for a moment? Like you're in trance and doing things you didn't really intend to do?”

“Why are you suddenly-” Wonho's brows raised in surprise only to be furrowed a second later. “The two of you. Did he do something to you, because if he did I will-”

“No!” _Yes._ I groaned in frustration. “You know what, forget it. What did you want to talk to me about?” There was a hint of pain to his eyes. Something like 'you don't even tell your best friend?' I felt bad and stupid for dragging him into this it wasn't fair. I let go of his wrist and curled my hand into a fist instead. “Is there some sort of problem?”

“There seems to be but you won't tell me”, he replied with a bitter tone of voice.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “You know I didn't mean it like that. Please, just let it go this time. I'm okay.”

Wonho pressed his lips together and took a deep breath before forcing himself to relax. He knew he was at a loss in this discussion. He always was when arguing with me. “It's about our plans. Changkyun found a train station that's still running. They said the next train to Ulsan, or at least some city near it, will roll this afternoon. You think we can take that one?”

_Ulsan_ . Of course, we were at war. My perfectly delusional image of an alright world fell and shattered on the ground. “How long of a walk to get there?”, I only dared to whisper because I couldn't trust my own voice.

“Maybe an hour and a half, maybe two. It depends on how fast we are with Ki in tow.” That gave us plenty of time to pack our stuff and I nodded in approval.

“Sounds good. Does Shownu know?”

“He's already out with the two others to buy some more canned food and kidnap Jooheon before he can go to university.” It was only half past six and everybody was already on the road while I was lying in bed worrying about Hyungwon. Wow, what a turn of events. “You...” I glanced at Wonho who had his eyes on the ground and lips pursed like a pouting child. “You think you can get Hyungwon to work again by the time we need to leave?”

My heartbeat accelerated with the memory of his lips on mine suddenly appearing and I swear to God my ears had to be glowing red when I took a deep breath. “I'll try. I hope he listens.”

“He will if it's you.”

_At least one of us is confident._ I nodded over and over again and headed for the kitchen. I needed breakfast. Maybe giving Hyungwon a bit of time would help him sort out his thoughts. And it would give me more time to think about my own. I ate in silence, Wonho reading the newspaper by the sofa and it took me ten minutes to finish my bowl of cereals and bring it back to the kitchen.

“Minhyuk”, Wonho's voice called me back when I was heading for the stairs, “about that feeling you described earlier.” I dug my nails into the wooden doorframe to my right. He was still thinking about that? _I really shouldn't have asked._ “It's affection.” I dug my teeth into my bottom lip. “I've felt it with few people so far. It's good. Don't think it's something you should hate. Appreciate it.” 

He didn't show a thing on his face but he sounded somewhat sad. Like he felt sorry but didn't want to tell me the reason.  _Affection_ . I closed my eyes.  _So it really was._ “Thank you.”

 

Waves of heat surged through my body as soon as I stepped into my own room again and lay eye upon Hyungwon's curled up frame. My reaction hadn't been this intense before, was it the kiss? It had to be the kiss. Not that it mattered.

He knew I was there, I could hear his breath hitch when I stepped closer and closer until I was standing right beside the bed. “We'll have to leave around noon”, I whispered quietly. Could he hear me struggle? Did he even listen? “We'll take the train to Ulsan.”

No reaction. Did he pretend I wasn't even there? After  _he_ had kissed  _me_ ? I had told him we wouldn't have to talk about it but this just didn't work if we had to get ready for that train. I stayed still for a longer while listening to Hyungwon's erratic breaths out of habit until I found the courage to roll him over and grab his hands. My skin was tingling, sensitive to his touch while I was burning up on the inside already. “Look at me.”

He didn't resist but only tried to cover his face with his hands. “I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know what I just- I couldn't...I-I...”

He couldn't even form a proper sentence with his voice filled with a mixture of pain and self-loathing and I couldn't stand it so I forced his hands away from his face but his eyes were still closed. I huffed and placed one knee on the bed to get a better hold of him. Was he really going to be like this? “Chae Hyungwon, look at me right now.”

“I'm sorry. I was wrong, I- I won't do it a-again.”

He was burying himself in a hole again and the only way for me to get him out was grab his attention just once. He had a real panic attack like he had had it at the very beginning of our tragic story.

“ _Chae, whose property are you? Chae Hyungwon, I command you to tell me whose-”_

“ _Yours.”_

He was making himself believe that he was back in the army; stuck in the past. I would have to use this to get him back as well. I clenched my teeth and let my finger run across his side where I remembered his tattoo to be – I was sure it was connected to the army by then. His eyes shot open and he stared at me in absolute shock.  _Finally_ . “Who am I?”, I asked softly causing him to focus on me as a person, my voice, my appearance.

“Minhyuk.”

“Alright. That implies I'm not your general. I'm not Yi-en either. I'm someone completely unrelated.” I chewed on the inside of my cheek and tried not to break our eye contact. This was embarrassing and it felt like my body heat doubled once more. To think I even found the right words without carefully picking them out beforehand was utopian. Maybe shutting your brain off sometimes works best. “Is what just happened with us forbidden?”

“You must never feel like this towards another guy. Army or not. You must never- My father, he-”

“Your father isn't here”, I concluded as a matter of fact, weaving my now sweaty fingers through his cold ones. Were they really cold or was I just hopelessly overheated? “Nobody is here to judge you anymore. It's all in your head. None of them can harm you.”

“I don't want to cross this line again if-”

“It's the line you drew yourself. I might as well step closer to you and it would be the same. There literally is no real line to cross. Now tell me, Chae Hyungwon, was this kiss wrong?”

It felt like some soap opera from earlier times and I would have laughed if this wasn't such a serious situation. It would be decided right now. Everything would be. Hyungwon knew there was no way out and took a few deep breaths to get himself together. Sweat had formed on my forehead and I knew I had to take a shower once this was settled. If this would be settled.  _Was it wrong?_

Hyungwon squeezed our intertwined fingers before untangling them and looking to the side. “I wish it wasn't.”

Again he was tearing up but I couldn't watch and averted my eyes while he rubbed his hands across his face.  _I wish it wasn't._ How wonderful those words sounded. As though I had been waiting for exactly this reply without being aware of it. I ran my fingers through his hair before tracing his jawline with them.  _I wish it wasn't._ His breathing was calmer than before.

“Then it wasn't.” I couldn't tell if he did it on purpose but he leaned into my touch with his eyes closed for a while. “The rest is up to you.”

He looked at me again and took a deep breath. “I don't know if I can take this.” My heart clenched. If he could  _take_ this. I knew he was suffering from the close proximity but didn't he see how much better he had gotten? Not to flatter myself but I was good for him. Monsta X was good for him in general. “I..I just can't tell-” He turned his head away and I withdrew my hand. “I'm...I'm sorry-”

“No, you're right”, I interrupted him before licking my lips. Hyungwon, tears and cereal. At least I imagined it that way. “I understand.”

“Minhyuk? Hyungwon?”, Shownu's voice called from downstairs and I spun around with a start. When had he come back, had the door even opened? “We've got six hours then we're leaving!”

I glanced at Hyungwon who looked at me in utter confusion causing me to frown. “Where do we-”

“Got it, we'll be ready!”, I shouted back and lowered my voice again. He really hadn't heard me before? “We'll go to Ulsan today. It's what you wanted, right?”

“Ul...san”, he repeated slowly, licking his lips. “Do we...do we have to leave?”

A huff escaped my lips and I blinked several times. “We- Yeah. Yeah, we decided as a group, remember?” Did he not want to leave anymore? Then why did we even bother? He buried himself further in the blanket. “I'll miss this bed.”

I knew what he was doing. He didn't want to think about us and changed the topic in a way. “It's still  _mine_ , you're just allowed to lie in there. Six hours and we'll leave, so make sure to be ready by then.”

I took a hesitant step towards the door and his eyes were on me in a second. “Where are you going?”

“To Seventeen's”, I replied casually. _Getting some air._ “Saying goodbye.”

“Give me five minutes.”

His voice was a mixture of exclamation and question and I cocked my head to the side when he scrambled to get out of the blanket. “W-why?”

“I-” He stopped and looked lost for a moment as though he himself didn't know. He looked like a puppy you forgot outside the supermarket. “I just...”

“You want to...come along?”, I asked carefully and he clenched and unclenched his hands in indecisiveness.

“I-if I may...I guess?”

“Alright, I'll wait downstairs then. Five minutes.”

I left the room in a hurry and closed the door with one hand while the other was resting on my chest. What kind of reaction did I just witness? He had never behaved 'possessive' like this and it made this whole mess all the more confusing when I walked down the stairs. It was all new. And I didn't know how to deal with this. Was it good? Or would we go downhill from now on? I couldn't see the end but I knew what had happened at least.

We had snapped. It was like biting into a piece of chocolate. The surface isn't enough at some point. It cracks just before the distinct flavor of chocolate fills you up completely and you're lost in a bittersweet symphony.

Bittersweet.

Like everything we did.

_Hyungwon, tears and cereal._

Like everything in this story.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the concept of chocolate. I remember I had a class about chocolate the day I wrote that xD


	29. Loneliness is grounds to think

I couldn't believe what I had done to Minhyuk. What I had done to myself. What I had done to us. What had actually happened.

_I woke up with a feeling of complete calmness at first but one of the reflexes that had remained from the army caused me to flinch for some reason. Something was off. I opened my eyes and looked around to find someone staring at me, hovering right above me. I registered Minhyuk's white hair and wanted to relax._ It's just Minhyuk.  _Then, I thought about it again. How he was trapping my head between his arms. How I had no room to move._ Wait. It's Minhyuk.

_I stared back at him, my heartbeat and breathing accelerating. He leaned even closer and I could feel his breath on my skin. I suppressed a shiver. Why didn't I move? I was scared to death experiencing the helplessness from back when I had been with the general again. I was confused as fuck as nobody had tried to be this close to me since Yi-en._

_But I was even more confused by the fact that my mind wanted me to stay where I was._ Don't move,  _it said,_ it's time to let these things go.  _Why did this whole situation not make me thrash around? All the other reactions were still there, I felt like dying yet I wanted to know what this would end up as. Why was I so curious?_

Are you denying your own feelings again? _I didn't know what that voice was talking about._ You're just scared, admit it. _Minhyuk glanced at me again through clouded eyes. I had never seen anything as hypnotizing – it made me want to stay, had me hold my breath._ It's time to let the past be in the past. _The voice was right. So what if I died from a heart attack? I couldn't deny how special Minhyuk was. Couldn't deny how his presence lifted my mood or his smile caused me to smile in return. It was scary but interesting enough to just stop and look back at him._ Come on, close the gap, _beckoned the voice_.

_But then his eyes showed me panic and he lay down by my side. I felt a weird sense of disappointment. Why had he stopped?_

“ _Say that it's disgusting. Say that it's alright.”_

_I couldn't say these things. I couldn't talk about my opinion, I had never been allowed to before. But maybe I could_ do  _something about it instead. I could read Minhyuk like an open book, could see him struggle every day and now I wanted to know even more. I wanted to_ be _more than just Chae Hyungwon. I wanted him to let go of any rules holding him back because he deserved freedom. Lee Minhyuk was the only person I didn't want to feel sorry for whatever he did. I couldn't allow him to drown in guilt._

_I wanted to make him better._

 

I huffed at how he had tried to stop me then as though he was scared all of a sudden. And he had been, though not for him. He had been scared for me. _This isn't good for you._ I knew it wasn't.

The following twenty minutes had been a blur of memories until Minhyuk's voice dragged me back into reality. It was always Minhyuk to do such things. Yi-en had left me alone whenever these situations occurred not knowing what to do but Minhyuk tried. He put in a lot of effort just to get me back and I never found the right words to express all of my gratitude. And that's why I had given in that morning. Why I had allowed myself to give in to him.

The more time I spent with him, the more I felt myself depending on him. How weird.

 _I don't know if I can take this_. It was my last defense mechanism. Out of dozens this was all that was left by now and it was the only truth I told myself. I didn't know what would happen to me if Minhyuk decided to leave. It was my biggest fear.

_Was it wrong?_

_I wish it wasn't._

_Then it wasn't._

But I needed proof that it really wasn't.

I looked ahead at Minhyuk. We had been to Seventeen's to say our goodbyes and were now on our way back home, awkward silence hanging between us. His back was tense and I could tell it wasn't just my presence but also the environment that made him this way.

We wouldn't walk on this path for a long time and we both felt nostalgic with me then thinking back to the first time I had been to Monsta X' house. I would be confused because of Wonho, angry because of Jooheon and somewhat happy because in the end they were still all doing their best to get along with me. And Minhyuk would always be there to explain things if there happened to be a misunderstanding.  _Or a panic attack._

I glanced into the street to my right, the one leading to the convenience store, and I could make out the small playground in the distance. The playground Minhyuk had found me at after I had killed the Clan and met Yi-en again.

A few streets further down to the left Shownu's uncle's shop had been located. Only burnt wood and stony ruins remained now but fire wasn't my only association with the place. I had first been dragged there when Minhyuk had decided that my outgrown blond hair was a fashion catastrophe. My partner-look-with-Yi-en blond hair. When Minhyuk had taken the first step to get me out of Yi-en's grasp without either of us knowing.

_It has always been Minhyuk._

I swallowed, shook my head and continued to walk behind the white-haired in silence.

Silence can be really suffocating when there's too much left to say. It makes you think about your problems over and over again until you feel like you're about to explode. But with a panic attack mere hours in the past, I was too unstable to talk to anyone about it.

So I remained silent until we had to leave and did my best to ignore the pissed looks Wonho shot me whenever I was in his field of vision. Jooheon had brought a bigger backpack for me as the little bag I had borrowed from Wonho before was a bit, well, small considering we were basically running into a battlefield and had to pack lots of stuff. I grabbed the box I had hidden under my bed. Seven guns from the arsenal, two I had stolen at the radio tower, one taser, one jar of narcotic chemicals, a tiny bomb to blow up things of the scale of a door lock and two thumb drives with information on the army.

Talk about possessions mirroring their owner's personality.

I let out a deep sigh and put everything in the bag as well as a set of spare clothes before I made my way downstairs where everyone was looking around the living room with longing gazes. We'd all miss this place.

“Everyone ready?”, Shownu asked and we nodded. “Got your vials?”

Again the others nodded but I started with wide eyes only to be held back by Minhyuk grabbing my wrist. He raised his other hand to show me the vial labeled with my name. “Got you.”

The look we exchanged lasted longer than intended and I nodded before looking back at Shownu who took a deep breath. “Then let's go. Changkyun, lead the way.”

 

________________

 

“Are you really alright?”, Kihyun whispered next to me and I cleared my throat in a hurry when I was ripped out of my thoughts.

“Sure I am.”

“You've become a bad liar ever since you know who started living with us.”

“Have I?” I glanced at the shorter male who just raised a brow at my nervous reaction. My gaze then wandered towards Hyungwon who was being pestered by Changkyun several meters behind. The prior was smiling but didn't say anything like he had done it the whole day now.

“He won't hear us, Kyun is good at diverting attention”, Kihyun mumbled just when I looked up to find Hyungwon's eyes right on me.

“Not good enough”, I hissed and quickly faced forward again. The rhythmical sound of Kihyun's crutches against stone ground became the beat I adjusted my heart to. There was no need to get excited whenever I met gazes with Hyungwon. There was no need. There was no- Shit, of course there was.

“I don't understand why the two of you keep ignoring each other. I'll be honest, I can smell your feelings two kilometers against the wind. It's alright for you to be together, why are you not by each other's side right now?”

“I don't know, okay?”, I snapped only to bite down on my bottom lip when I saw the surprised expression on Kihyun's face. “I'm sorry, I just... He has his own problems and he's had a panic attack in the morning-” _Because we kissed_. “-and I don't know what to do for him. If I don't know how to help him how can I be convinced that this is the right thing to do? He might suffer more if I'm around.”

Several seconds passed during which I faced forward and Kihyun tried to start his sentence thrice until he cleared his throat. “I expected you to deny your feelings to be very honest. Now I don't know what to say anymore, wow.” He fumbled with his words for a little longer before looking up at the sky. “Does he know? Like, did you tell him?”

I swallowed hard and buried my hands in my pockets. “Kind of.”

“Woah. You're courageous”, he replied with a short whistle. “Then it's just a matter of hours, days at most. He won't push you away, he's quite the same as you, believe me.” _At least_ you _can be sure of that, it seems_ , I thought while trying not to roll my eyes. 

“Guys?”, Changkyun's voice called from behind but I didn't turn like everyone else, afraid of accidentally looking at Hyungwon again. Accidentally, yeah. “See the train tracks? It's only ten more minutes to the station now. Just follow the tracks until then.”

“Got it”, Shownu replied and went back to talking to Wonho with Jooheon quietly walking by their side.

Changkyun ran up to Kihyun and started telling him about all the things he wanted to see in Ulsan only to be scolded by the older for thinking of this as a sightseeing trip. The latter then glanced at me once more. “Remember my words. I'm sure of them.”

“Alright”, I mumbled to make him let go of that stupid topic and we walked for another ten minutes.

 

Changkyun had settled everything beforehand it seemed. As soon as we got to the station someone walked up to him and a few playful remarks were exchanged before we were led to a boxcar with slide doors. There were still forty-five minutes left until the train was supposed to leave and the others decided to take a walk and enjoy the thankfully good weather while I stayed behind to watch over their bags. I just didn't feel like walking around, leaning against a wooden box with a pile of blankets to my right. I didn't know for how long we would have to ride that train but once everyone settled in the boxcar it would be comfortable enough to spend hours there it seemed.

The slide doors had been left open to light up the spacious wagon and a shadow appeared when someone stepped inside.  _Probably another passenger_ , I thought looking at the handful of people sitting at the other end of the long room. The steps stopped next to me and I froze.

“Hey.”

His voice was calm and quiet and my heart jumped in happiness. He talked to me again. I turned my head to him when he crouched down and stared at him in awe. “Hi.”

“Mind if I sit here?”

“Of course not.”

He stretched his legs with a content groan and folded his pale hands in his lap. Silence. Minutes of it. “You...You don't...regret it. Do you?”

My cheeks flushed red and the room was all stuffy all of a sudden when I cleared my throat. “I-I...” I licked my lips and took a deep breath to gather my thoughts. No, I wouldn't let him have this much power over me. He'd have to man up as well. “What do you mean?”

“You-” Hyungwon scoffed in disbelief and ran a hand through his dark hair upon seeing the hint of a smirk on my face. “This isn't funny, you know what I mean.”

“I'm afraid I don't”, I pressed on and turned towards him who was looking at me with troubled but soft eyes.

Another few seconds of us just staring at each other passed before he inhaled and exhaled again. “You know, what happened... Ha, what am I saying, this is embarrassing.” His voice was merely a whisper and I looked at his uncertain eyes, his lips he licked in nervousness, his hands that were clenching and unclenching when he didn't know what to hold on to. “Do you regret...that...that kiss?” He glanced at the other passengers but they were sitting too far away to get what he was saying.

I swallowed hard, still staring at his concerned face when I moved to weave the fingers of my right hand through his and took a deep breath. “There's one thing.” His hand was cold as ice and he stiffened upon hearing my words.  _So_ he _doesn't seem to regret it at all._ A smile, though a weak one, lifted the corners of my mouth when I pulled him closer until I could hear his breathing fall out of rhythm and the smile vanished. “I regret that it hurt you so much.” Our breaths mixed that's how close we were and I inhaled his scent like I had done it many times before. “Other than that I don't regret anything.”

“You're lying. You must be lying”, he replied with a hoarse voice but I just wordlessly guided his head to rest in the crook of my neck. The other people were sending us confused glances by now but I couldn't care less and focused on cradling Hyungwon in my arms.

“I'm not. I mean it. I was the one who tried to kiss you first after all, wasn't I being selfish? You must have felt pressured.” I combed my fingers through his hair and he shook a little. “I'm sorry I hurt you.”

“Don't.” The hand that wasn't intertwined with mine moved to my side as if to pull me even closer. “I should be okay, we're all hurting in some way, aren't we? But in the end I'm still weak and-”

“I don't want you to degrade yourself. Just don't trigger your own panic attacks. It destroys you on the inside. You don't need to suffer and if that's how it's always going to be I don't need it. Don't make it hurt because of me.”

“I'll get better”, he mumbled against my skin and I couldn't stop the wave of goosebumps shooting across my body. “I just need to find the right medicine.”

I dug my teeth into my bottom lip, not sure of whether to smile because he had talked to me about his worries or break out in tears because he was so desperate to finally leave his past behind. I decided to swallow the latter and pushed him away at arm's length to find a new determination in the way he looked at me in the semi-dark wagon. His free hand was now resting on my knee and I let go of his other after giving it a light squeeze. “Take all the time you need.”

I heard the sound of Kihyun's crutches approaching and Hyungwon had heard it too, judging by the way he adjusted his sitting position to look more natural. When he didn't say anything else, I threw a blanket over his legs, feet poking out on the other side and I took another deep breath, looking at Hyungwon's profile for a second. “It doesn't matter if you find your medicine or not”, I whispered quietly just when the light was dimmed by Kihyun and Shownu entering the wagon, “I'll be there for you anyway.”

“There's only five minutes left”, Shownu stated, poking his head out again to call for the other kids. Kihyun on the other hand only glanced at Hyungwon who had closed his eyes in pretended sleep, then at his hand that was resting on my knee and I felt my face heat up again. He put his crutches aside and mouthed a silent 'okay?' I could only shrug. It looked like it but I couldn't be sure until I received a definite statement from Hyungwon. Until then, I couldn't know.

Everybody settled on the hard ground of the wagon and the train soon started moving, the darkness lulling us to sleep. The last thing I remember from right before I fell asleep was how Hyungwon's hand was warm on my knee. Warm and somewhat comforting. “Just wait for me.”

 

________________

 

“Hyungwon? Hey, Hyungwon.” I yawned wholeheartedly before opening my eyes to find Jooheon standing right in front of me. He let out some sort of huff and raised a brow when I noticed how I was leaning against Minhyuk's shoulder, quickly distancing myself from the white-haired. “We're here. Well, almost.”

“Almost?”, I repeated, rubbing my stiff neck and getting to my feet. The wagon's door had been opened and judging by the color of the sky the sun had just set so it was getting darker by the minute. I blinked into the twilight to see a bunch of armed soldiers though none of the Chinese army. _We actually made it through their line of defense with a train like this?_ China must have been very badly prepared for America's attack if it was that easy to change sides. _Fine with me._

I let Jooheon do the remaining waking up and stepped out of the vehicle only to be talked to by one of the soldiers in English. I swallowed, not getting a word of what that guy was telling me, and raised my hands as if to surrender. “Sorry, I-”, I managed to utter after a lot of hesitation. “You...you know K-Korean?”

The guy blinked at me and turned to shout something at his comrades only to point in a certain direction in which I could spot a bigger building. There weren't many houses around and I figured that they had stopped the train somewhere outside Ulsan.  _Wise. We could be enemies as well_ . 

The others stepped out of the train and Changkyun handed me my backpack, causing my heart to skip a beat in realization. I only had weapons and a set of clothes in that bag – not very trustworthy. Oh and information. I knew things they hopefully didn't. “I have-” I started in Korean but stopped to search my brain for the English words only to give up in frustration. “Jooheon, tell them I have information on China.”

“Me?” Jooheon licked his lips and started stuttering while gesturing towards me. The soldier narrowed his eyes for a few seconds, looked from Jooheon to me and back only to shake his head and point at the building again.

“Go there.”

I wanted to speak up but a hand on my shoulder had me stop. Shownu. “He doesn't listen, let's go first”, he mumbled and I tightened the grip around my backpack's straps before nodding in defeat. Monsta X' leader then lowered his voice, hand still on my shoulder as the others walked ahead. “What will you do with your information?”

“I don't know how much they are worth”, I replied with a shrug as I rummaged through the backpack until my fingers closed around the two thumb drives and put them in my jacket's pocket. “I thought maybe I could use them to keep everyone safe. To make sure we're not sent to the front lines.”

Wonho slowed down until he was walking right beside me, a weird mixture of sadness and anger in his voice. “I don't think it will work. They'll throw you away once they've got what they need.”

He didn't look at me but had his eyes focused on the road ahead, the road to the main building of the train station it seemed now. “I have to try”, I insisted, trying not to be put off by his weird behavior and Shownu buried his hands in his pockets.

“I'm with Hyungwon, he's right.”

The blond didn't reply anymore and we reached the train station in less than two minutes – it was a spacious hall with about thirty other people sitting around on the benches with heavy backpacks to their feet. So they were stopping everyone here to inspect them?

I seemed to be right because we were guided towards a desk where two more uniformed people, a man and a woman, were standing asking (more like gesturing) people to give them their bags for inspection. “I've got a problem”, Jooheon mumbled to my left and Wonho and I glanced at him. “I took two guns from my room. I thought we might need them.”

“You- You're joking, right?”

“Do I look like I'm fucking joking?”, Jooheon hissed at the blond and Minhyuk turned around with wide eyes.

I covered my face with my hand for a moment. Great, so it wasn't only me who ran around with guns in his bag.  _I have to get them all through the inspection first._ “Give me the guns. We've got the same problem”, I muttered and Minhyuk's panicked eyes were on me in the blink of an eye.

“Are you kidding me? You brought a gun?”

“I thought we might need to defend ourselves, it was a legitimate reason, alright? Jooheon, give me the guns. Put them in my bag while I talk to them.” I was careful to put the backpack down as to not destroy the jar of toxins that was hidden beneath my clothes along with the other weapons.

I looked at the man that was currently looking through Kihyun's bag, my knuckles turning white from clenching my fists too hard. “I have in-in...”

“Information”, Jooheon chimed in to help me, his voice shaking in nervousness as he shielded Wonho and Minhyuk from the two people's eyes. “He has information. You speak Korean?”

The woman shot me a weird look and shook her head. “Not really. What information?”

My palms grew cold and sweaty at the same time, why was I so out of it? This wasn't different from any other job I had taken as a spy.  _Well, there were no language barriers before_ .  _You didn't want to be on their side before. You had an army to back you up before. Choose one?_ True. I didn't do this as turtle but as Hyungwon and I should act like it. “Information for...army? The China army?”, I stuttered quietly but the man barked some sentences before gesturing Changkyun to give him his bag.

Jooheon crossed his arms with a groan. “He said he wants to do the inspection first. Information later.”

I saw it in the man's eyes and sighed. “He doesn't believe me.”

“Of course he doesn't. We came here by train like homeless people and you say you've got info on their currently biggest enemy? I wouldn't buy that either.”

_But they'll have to._ I retreated to the back of our short waiting line, watching as everyone's bags were inspected. Minhyuk looked worried when he handed me mine with his lips pressed together.  _That makes eleven guns now, wow, new record._ “I didn't see the other guns, are they hidden under your clothes?”

“I guess”, I mumbled with my mind already working at full blast and he figured I was thinking, facing forward. This wasn't good. If nobody believed me then I'd have to get their attention in another way. Probably the I'm-a-danger-so-hear-me-out way. I went through several possibilities and came up with the same two outcomes every time: I'd either be dead within seconds or I'd grab their interest, the chances were unclear. _How wonderful_. I let out a sigh.

“Lee.”

He turned around again. “Are you okay? You've got a plan?”

“I might do something really stupid. Just don't freak out, I'm doing this for all of us. Okay?”

“Hyungwon, I swear to God, if you get hurt or-”

“ _Next!_ ”

“I won't.”

He didn't get to reply when his bag was taken from him for inspection and my heartbeat accelerated upon seeing his troubled eyes on me before he turned away. I wouldn't get through this inspection anyway, I was a walking arsenal with that backpack. Did he think it would be alright to walk around with Chinese guns? Almost a dozen of them? He didn't know how inspections worked.

They let Minhyuk pass and I opened my bag to pull out the jar of toxins and place it on the table. “Listen. I have information.”

“Give me the bag”, the man ordered.

“I have information. Please.” The woman frowned, obviously not pleased with my insistence, so I had to go through with this. _Chae Hyungwon is a danger again in three...two..._ I prepared to switch over to my spy mode. Haughty, egoistic and without taking anyone else seriously. _One..._ She started talking to me in English but I just let out a frustrated groan. _Let's do it with a bang,_ I thought and turned my bag upside down, the guns, taser and bomb clattering to the ground along with my spare clothes. The whole hall fell silent as if everybody held their breaths, including me. _Go._

“I am- I _was_ China spy.” Damn, I should have paid more attention to Jooheon's grammar explanations. All that was left for me to use was what had remained of my own time at school and that wasn't much. The man didn't waste a second when he pulled out his own gun and pointed it right at my head. At least he hadn't shot yet, that was a good sign. The woman on the other hand turned the jar I had placed in front of her before to read the label with her frown deepening. She then bent down and looked at the guns to confirm that they were of Chinese origin.

“Where did you get these?”, she asked with tension in her voice and I needed some time to think of a word, _any_ word to say. My whole focus was on the two uniformed people. Even a move of the man's pinky finger wouldn't go by unnoticed now.

“I was spy. China spy”, I managed to say again with my hands raised. I had been threatened with a gun more often than I had gone to the army basement but the black thing in front of my face was still somewhat unsettling and I swallowed. “I say I have information”, I repeated without knowing what more to say when an idea struck me. “Ah, radio! Radio attack! Two weeks ago. I helped- uh, I helped Korea.”

“I thought it was _one_ gun. Y-you had all these on you...?”, Minhyuk's voice mumbled and the woman spun around to point her gun at the six guys waiting on the other side. It was only then that I saw their expressions and had to clench my teeth.

Jooheon and Wonho simply looked concerned while the rest was outright frightened by the pile of guns on the ground. Still, neither of them struck me as much as Minhyuk who stared at me from wide eyes, a hand covering his mouth. I had expected him to look disappointed or angry but he was just scared. Maybe even worried.

“Sorry”, I whispered in Korean, ignoring the way my heart clenched at the sight of him. “I didn't think this would pose much of a problem. I wanted to give them to you as an emergency weapon but looks like I'm not as good at dealing as you guys are. Good thing Jooheon told me beforehand, I wouldn't have made it through the inspection anyway.” I then swallowed to look at the man with his gun. “My friends. But they didn't know. Only me. Please.”

We had a battle of stares until he let out a couple of words and the woman took a nearby phone to talk into. Two new uniformed people arrived and she stuffed my guns back into the bag before grabbing my arm and leading me away from the rest of Monsta X.  _Shit._ Getting separated now was slightly problematic, I didn't know how to find them in an unknown environment.

“I'll- I'll find you! Don't worry, I'll be back in no time!”, I shouted only to be shoved forward by the man who was still pointing a gun at my head.

The last thing I saw before being dragged around a corner was how Minhyuk wanted to run after me but was held back by Wonho and Kihyun.

The last thing I heard was him shouting my name, the pain and worry endlessly echoing on in my head.

_Now that escalated quickly_ , I thought with a quiet sigh leaving my lips and facing forward.  _Let's get this over with._

 

I was glad the others hadn't been allowed to come along when I was pushed into a military van without a word. I knew they would have freaked out over how they were simply going to ride a damn car – something that had been a bad sign, an absolute no-go, for the past six years now. I on the other hand was used to being driven around to my next mission and everything.

It was relaxing to just look out of the window as the dark landscape rushed past me. With the uniformed man and woman from the inspection right by my side and my hands cuffed. _Yeah, so relaxing_ , I thought with a suppressed huff, _keep your sentimental shit together._

I was wondering how the others were dealing with the revelation of me being a spy, Wonho and Minhyuk aside nobody had known about that after all. Would they drop me? Would they not trust me anymore? I thought of Minhyuk's scared eyes and how they had stared back at me. How he had tried to run after me. How he had caused havoc instead of remaining silent because he didn't want me to be dragged away from them. A proud smile raised the corners of my lips. _He_ hadn't abandoned me. And as long as I had that confirmed I didn't need much else. _One person is enough to hold on to._

The car slowed down after some time and I found myself in a big city I concluded to be Ulsan. The buildings around us were rather tall and I was led across a big plaza into one of the broader buildings. The interior had the familiar layout of a police station and I frowned when I was brought to one of the closest cells.

“E-excuse me”, I started in irritation but the man behind me just raised a brow.

“You go in there.”

“But I-”

“You will wait, spy”, he growled dangerously low and I groaned in frustration as the door was locked behind me again. The woman and the man then left me alone with a guard sitting behind some nearby desk and silence wrapped around us. _Great._ There was a small window near my cell and I could see the lights of the city at night like hundreds of fireflies.

What were the others doing right now? Had they already reached Ulsan? Had they started arguing because of me? Where would they sleep? How was Minhyuk doing? I figured I couldn't get an answer to my questions and squatted down with a groan. Why did I have to bring all the guns? If I had made it past the inspection first getting the information across would have been no problem but as things were now... _You're not dead, that's better than nothing, don't you think?_

My stomach growled loudly as if to warn me I _would_ be dead if I didn't eat anything and I caught the gaze of my guard with my lips pressed together. “Hungry?”, he asked with a voice that was softer than expected and I nodded in resignation. What did I have to lose anyway?

“Yes. You have food?”

The guy stood up and walked into the small kitchen next door only to come back with a bowl of gruel. “Only this. Eat up.” It looked weird, gray and sticky but my stomach didn't care. It wanted food. And food it would get. I raised my gaze to look at the guard who was still crouching on the other side of the cell. His light brown hair was a little bit too long, it almost covered his friendly dark eyes and I was sure he was still pretty young. He looked curious. “What's your name?”

I furrowed my brows, filtering the English words through his heavy American accent. “Hyungwon. Chae Hyungwon. You?”

“I'm Eric. Nice to meet you.”

“Oh, uh. Yes. Nice...to...”

“Nice to meet you too?”, he finished my sentence with a smile and I nodded, scolding myself for not paying more attention to Jooheon's use of grammar and vocabulary yet again. Eric gestured towards the bowl in my hands. “Is it good?”

“Okay”, I mumbled between two bites. It didn't taste any special but it helped a lot with my hunger so I couldn't complain. Let's say I ate gruel worse than this before. “How long...I stay here?”

The young man thought for a moment. “Not sure. One day tops? Not too long.” _A whole day?_ I had to find the others again, Minhyuk had to be worried sick. My fingers clenched around the small bowl and I swallowed hard. Eric seemed to notice. “Why? Is there a problem?”

“My friends”, I explained quietly while going through my imaginary vocabulary list. “I come with six friends. They worry now. I am sorry.”

“Oh, so you arrived here with six others? You were seven people?”, Eric repeated with big gestures to make sure I could follow and I nodded. “You're right, they must be worried! You came today?” Another nod. “What are their names? Your friends' names?”

“Minhyuk”, I replied on the spot, putting down my emptied bowl and swallowing the last bite. “Jooheon, Kihyun, Shownu, Changkyun and Won...ho...” Why did I keep calling him Wonho if I knew his name was Shin Hoseok? _I should have asked about what to call him when I had the chance to_ , I thought with another sigh. I looked at the overcharged guy in front of me and licked my lips in a hurry. “Minhyuk. Lee Minhyuk. White hair. Very white.”

“Minhyuk”, Eric repeated as though he was making a mental note and then nodded. “I'll tell you if I hear something. But there's a lot of people coming here so don't get your hopes up too high.” I blinked rapidly, only getting 'but's and some verbs, but my opponent didn't seem to mind as he kept talking on and on without even stopping to breathe. I guessed that he had been bored to death until I arrived.

I looked at my hands that were chained by the silver handcuffs and revived the image of Minhyuk trying to run after me as though he would fight an army to get to me. A warm smile spread on my face. _Maybe he actually would._ I just couldn't get that short scene out of my mind. It looked like no matter what obstacle he was confronted with he was determined to overcome it – me being a spy, me running away, me not listening to him, me being taken away by American soldiers. He would still be there. Suddenly, I wanted to see him just to thank him for these things. Why did we always have to get separated by force for me to realize how dear he had grown to me? I wanted him near me. I wanted to tell him so many things. I wanted him to tell me it's okay. I wanted to say the same to him. Just once more.

“Hey, Hyung...Hyung...”

“Hyungwon”, I helped Eric absentmindedly and his hand reached through the bars to retrieve the bowl I had emptied before.

“Right, Hyungwon. You look happy. Weird, considering your situation. What are you thinking about?”

I blinked and fumbled with my words for a moment before simply resting my head on my drawn-up knees. “Minhyuk. I...I want see him.”

“He's quite important, huh?” I nodded carefully and Eric muttered a few more words to himself, then got up to go back to his desk with a frown. “You should sleep”, he said, beginning to type in stuff on his computer. A real computer that wasn't just connected to the intranet, who would have guessed I'd get to see one again? _Sleep?_ He sounded pretty focused all of a sudden, had I said something wrong?

A few more words I didn't understand could be heard and Eric looked up with a reassuring smile, hinting that they were meant to be comforting. _Doesn't look like it._ I just nodded and leaned against the wall behind me with a sigh. There wasn't anything I could do anyway, why not sleep? I closed my eyes and hoped for a good outcome. What if they didn't believe me? Would I die without seeing the others again? If I had been oblivious to death before it was now a horror scenario. I wanted to see them all again, couldn't wait to get rid of the tight handcuffs around my wrists. So I kept hoping for everything to go well. _And for Minhyuk to be safe._ Of course.

 

I started awake upon hearing the sound of heavy boots trudging into the police station and got to my feet in a hurry blinking the sleep out of my eyes. A tan dark-haired woman, definitely not the same as the day before, came to talk to Eric for a moment until they walked over to me and unlocked the cell. Eric gave me a reassuring smile. “Don't be scared. It's just some normal procedure.” Again I could only guess what he meant and followed quietly – not that I was given much of a choice.

Getting into another car. Riding for five minutes while trying to understand what the woman was saying to Eric to make him laugh loudly. Being led into another building with my hands still cuffed. The former city hall, as I could decipher from the sign on the outside. It was early in the morning.

The woman exchanged a few words with another one standing behind the counter, definitely someone of Asian origin. My hopes increased concerning this new person and I forced myself to keep calm staring at her from relaxed eyes when she rounded the counter to give me a slight bow of her head. “Hello.”

_Korean_ . I held back a sigh of relief and smiled at her. “Hello, my name is Chae Hyungwon. I've got information regarding-”

“Mister Chae Hyungwon, we will bring you to the person in charge first, please refrain from stating your problem, I'll only be your interpreter in this matter. My name is Amy Lee.” I was quick to shut my mouth and bow my head in return. I didn't think hearing someone talk in Korean would be this relieving, I definitely had to work on my English skills once the time was right. An interpreter increased my chances of being believed immensely and my heart felt a little lighter.

I was then pushed forward as Amy Lee led the way. Up the stairs, down the corridor, left, right, third door to the left. A big desk, several bookshelves, some chairs and a big window were all you could see when entering the office of medium size. Behind the desk, a beefy man with short blond hair – natural blond unlike Wonho – was sitting in his army uniform and he muttered something incomprehensible in English upon which Eric and the nameless woman left, leaving me with him and Amy Lee. Let's call her Amy to keep it shorter.

He hadn't said anything to me so far but I was already beginning to shiver. He had the same intimidating aura as my former general, the mere thought of him giving me goosebumps.  _We've got the young lady here,_ I reminded myself swallowing heavily,  _you'll be alright. You're strong enough now anyway._

Amy told the man my name, at least that's all I understood, before he leaned his elbows on his desk, mumbling something in return. “He would like to know how you got to possess all the guns your inspectors found.”

I stood up straight and folded my cuffed hands in front of my body as if to report something to my superiors by reflex and cleared my throat. “I was a spy of the Chinese army for a little more than four years. They trusted me and I was good at my job, so I got to reach a high rank that allowed me to borrow several weapons from nearby arsenals for all kinds of missions. Thinking I was undercover for the past months they let me borrow weapons I then stored at my friends' house without them knowing. We decided to come down to Ulsan to see if we could support the American troops against China and I took all of my weapons with me. They are all I have. I wanted to give them to my friends as a means of self-defense but it didn't get that far seeing as I am standing here now.”

The man listened to Amy's translation with a deep frown and she forwarded his reply to me without missing a beat. “Why would you go against China if you have been their spy for years? It doesn't make sense, you didn't seem to complain before or else you wouldn't have stayed there for so long.”

“I figured it was only a matter of time until another country would come to Korea's aid, we couldn't do it alone. I decided to lie low and wait for the right moment. That is now.”

We went back and forth for a while. How had I gotten out of the army? Did they still trust me? Why did I even go to the army? (As if I'd ever go there voluntarily.) Had I gone against China before? And finally, when the big man seemed to finally warm up to me and my story: why had I made such a fuss at the inspection?

I allowed myself a tiny smile and took another deep breath. “I came here with my six friends to make a request. When I was taking part in the previously mentioned radio tower raid I had enough time to obtain info on weapon arsenals, the news feed until two weeks ago and the radio towers in Jeollanam-do and Kyeongsangbuk-do. Media are power and I believe you could use that right now. When I got off the train nobody would listen to me so playing the spy card was the only option.”

I took out the two thumb drives and stepped closer to the man's desk to put them down as Amy kept translating. He took out a portable computer – a notebook, was it? – and looked through the contents in absolute concentration. After two more minutes he nodded to himself and said something. “You've come a long way to bring me two thumb drives? You know, I actually believe your story, it sounds a bit bitter but plausible to say the least. But I know that gaze. You want something in exchange, right?”

I glanced at Amy and nodded in defeat. “I want my friends to be left out of danger. I don't want us to be sent to the front lines. Of course we can do the securing work afterward but I don't want to see any of them wounded after I've put them through quite a lot of danger already. It would be great if you considered that. My skills aside, these information are all I have to offer in return.”

A longer silence during which we both stared at each other because I didn't dare relaxing. If I had done that it would look like I was too confident that he would agree, I had to stay on edge for him to be convinced of my compromise. And he leaned back first. “Alright. Where were you from again?”

The handcuffs were rattling when I clenched and unclenched my fists. “A smaller city about fifty kilometers away from Seoul”, I recalled a sign I had seen before and swallowed. “China dropped a bomb there saying it was America not even a week ago.”

The man looked surprised when he listened to Amy's translation and pressed his lips together for a while. Our interpreter stepped closer to grab my attention and I looked at her with an uncertain smile. “Your city is pretty far away. Even if things advance as smoothly as they have until now it will take some time to get through to a city this close to Seoul.”

“I know”, I whispered in reply.

“We've got two options. One, we send you back without you having to fight but we can't tell how safe that place is from China, I mean, they dropped a bomb there. Two, you stay shortly behind the front line and wait until we get to your city. We can't just let you laze around because of some info but I don't want to see you right at the front lines either. It may take forever though. We're still waiting for the replies of the other countries we requested help from.” _They requested more help_. I was relieved at first but there wasn't that big of a chance that western European countries or others like Russia would get involved with a fight between the two currently biggest forces. _However, that's not the point right now._

“Do I get to choose? What about my friends?”

“You will have to choose for all of you.”

I pressed my lips together and swallowed. I knew they wanted to go back, I wanted that too, but it was just safer to stay within the parts America had already taken from China. They would understand, I decided for their safety after all and if anyone knew about weighing the chances of these two options in war it was me. I looked up again with a nod. “The second option.”

“The second it is.”

The man stood up and my eyes widened upon seeing his height. I was the tallest in Monsta X and had been tall in the army as well but this guy was a skyscraper in comparison. How tall was he, two meters? He extended his big hand and I took it in a hurry with a slight bow.

After a few more words to Amy I was led out of the office where Eric unlocked my handcuffs with a smile. “Now I've got information for _you-_ ”

He was cut off by Amy who told him to wait as she led me to another room where the tan woman from earlier was seated. There I was given some document on which I had to write down the names of my friends and myself. I stared at the lines for a while before beginning to write. Lee Minhyuk, Chae Hyungwon, Shin Hoseok (Wonho), Jooheon, Shownu, Kihyun, Changkyun.

The woman pointed at Wonho's name and raised a brow but I just shrugged. “Two names. And here”, I pointed at the last four switching over to Korean, “I don't know their family names because China had us throw them away.”

She nodded after listening to Amy and put a few signatures here and there before copying the form twice and handing me both copies. “Show this to the one who comes to get all of you for skills inspection”, the interpreter said but I frowned.

“Skills inspection?”

“Well, we need to know what you are made of, right?”, she smiled in return while leaving the office for the corridor. “You should go find your friends for now but don't lose these copies or there's nothing we can do for you anymore. You will get your bag downstairs, it's in this building but we stored the guns until you prove you can handle them.” Okay, so the guns were lost for now. This was fine as long as everyone else was alright.

Eric jumped up to us as soon as the door opened. What was he, a dog? He was so cheerful, it was weird. “I've got news!”, he stated in excitement and I cocked my head to the side. “I think I know where your friend is.”

 

I was running with the post-it Eric had given me in my left hand. Exiting the former city hall I felt utterly lost, surrounded by tall buildings and more and more people flowing into the streets to start their days. It was about nine in the morning, maybe ten, when I started following the short description on the piece of paper, the bag I had gotten back dangling from my shoulders.

Down the biggest road. There were Americans in uniforms, some without and many Koreans. It was so lively down here in the South, their energy was rubbing off on me. Third alley to the right, then left and straight ahead again. Pass by 'a Korean supermarket'. It's not like there weren't two of them on my way before already but I got what Eric had tried to say. Another left. Find the camps that were set up for newly arrived people. _I have to find Minhyuk._ Ask someone for my friends.

The person I asked was friendly but I can't even remember their face anymore because I was just so focused on finding Minhyuk. I had to know they were all right and I had a lot to apologize for. I didn't know about their reactions but I was sure they would still worry. That was a characteristic of Minhyuk and all of Monsta X after all.

I was given new instructions and ran to the tent they were supposed to be at. One out of maybe a hundred. I barged into the house made of cloth and looked into the face of someone unfamiliar with a frown. He was Korean without doubt and I panted for a few seconds. “Where's...Minhyuk? Do you know...Lee Minhyuk?”

“Uhm, come again? Who?”

I scanned the tent and its surroundings for any of the guys but couldn't find them and a frustrated sigh left my lips. _They have to be here, they were on the list of new people. Don't panic._ “He has white hair. Came with five other guys only yesterday. I was told he was assigned this tent. Am I wrong?”

“White hair? Ah, that one!” The guy snapped his fingers when he remembered and nodded with a small smile. “I saw him leave for the sea earlier. Just follow this street and there's a beach. He might be there but I don't know-”

“Thanks!”, I just exclaimed as I spun around and ran off into the direction I had been told. Dammit, how long would I have to keep running? _At least you're not running_ from _but_ towards _someone._ Yeah, thanks, conscience.

Two-hundred and forty-three steps.

It was exactly two-hundred and forty-three steps until I reached my goal. The water was blue but I didn't care and let my eyes wander across the sandy beach as I caught for breath. All kinds of people. Old, young, men, women, Asian, American, everything. I grew more frustrated. “How can you have such a bright hair color and not-”

The remaining words got stuck in my throat when I caught a glimpse of white hair far down the beach. His shoes were cast aside and he stood in the water the waves washed up from time to time. It looked wonderful. He was alright, staring at the horizon with the morning sun shedding light on everything surrounding him. The water must have been damn cold considering it was early spring but the image just looked so peaceful. And that fragile snowflake wouldn't even have to fight at the front lines either. What great news.

Again I felt myself beginning to run without even thinking about it. Without my eyes ever leaving the back of his head. Without anything in my head except for one thing. _Get to him._

Run faster.

Run.

Faster.

He didn't hear me beforehand and let out a high-pitched scream when my arms wrapped around him, head pressing into his shoulder and the impact almost making him fall.

I was back. He was alright. How could I have wished for more?

 

________________

 

The water was cold. The horizon was so far away. The blue sea was deep and scary. Everything in Ulsan was chaotic. Nothing worked.

And Hyungwon wasn't there.

You can't imagine how I had thrashed around, shouted after him as he was led away from us. One step after the other until he was out of sight. Yeah, he had had weapons on him, so what? It's not like he hid them from everyone, he showed them to the inspection people without hesitation – and with a lot of drama but let's not focus too much on that. Countless guns I hadn't noticed when stuffing Jooheon's into the bag. _I wanted to give them to you as an emergency weapon._ To us. He had brought them along for us and then he took one for the team and held on to Jooheon's guns as well. Then he had been taken away.

“ _Can we even trust him?”, Changkyun had asked as soon as Hyungwon was gone only to be silenced by Wonho._

“ _I'm afraid we can. I talked to him about that before.”_

“ _You knew?”, Shownu retorted in shock. “You knew and didn't tell me?”_

“ _Not the guns. The spy thing. You were busy remaining stable, excuse you.”_

_Shownu's gaze wandered towards me who was still caught in Kihyun's and Wonho's arms from before. “You knew as well, right?”_

“ _He had given up on being a spy. He did it to save us”, I whispered with wide eyes and even though Changkyun and Shownu didn't look convinced the rest let their heads hang low. “He did it for us.”_

“ _There's nothing we can do”, Kihyun mumbled squeezing my arm. “We should just go for now.”_

“ _And do what? Wait? I've been waiting for anything to happen for the past years and I'm sick of it”, I replied bitterly and clenched my hands into fists in frustration. Wonho loosened his grip on my arm to pull me closer instead. “I'm sick of it.” His familiar scent was surrounding me, fingers ghosting over the skin of my neck and quiet whispers echoing in my ears._

 _But it wasn't the same. I wanted Hyungwon to be there. Nothing would ever be the same after our kiss on that very same day. Wonho just wasn't enough anymore and even though I didn't dare saying it he knew it himself – I could see it in his eyes when he let go of me and wordlessly took me by the hand to walk behind the rest_.

We had been assigned some tent we shared with three more people but I wasn't capable of introducing myself or be cheerful as usual. I had felt so empty I just went to bed, got up in the morning and went here and there until I reached the sea. The wide and mysterious sea.

I didn't know how long I had been standing there already, shoes taken off and feet buried in the fresh saltwater and cool sand. Maybe I'd catch a cold but it didn't matter anyway.

Then, completely out of the blue, I felt the heavy weight of something – or someone – crashing into me and a scream left my throat before I could even think about it. I looked down to see arms the wrists of which were slightly reddened and a head had been pressed against my shoulder. If this were a normal day I would think it was Wonho but this person's height and overall built was different. There was only one person I knew that fit these measurements and my breath got stuck in my throat for a while, hands coming up to my mouth. “Hyung-”

“I'm sorry”, he whispered against my shoulder and I felt a smile spread on my face along with the warmth that had been around for several weeks now.

“What for?”

“You must have been worried.” I couldn't tell whether his rapid breathing came from running or the physical contact but when I turned around and saw his reddened cheeks and a thin layer of sweat on his forehead I decided to go for the first option. He stood up straight and I grabbed his sides to hook my chin on his shoulder with a scoff.

“Worried? I was fucking scared you asshole. I thought you might not come back and now you're here after such a short time and I'm just...Are you alright?”

“What, you'd rather I leave? Because I almost didn't come back because-”

“Are you alright?”, I insisted, nails digging into his sides which had him take a deep breath and step away at arm's length to look at me.

“They believed me. I even got something out of it.”

I sighed before grabbing his wrists and showing him the red circles around them. “But are you alright?” He only seemed to notice it then, blinking at the sore spots.

“It must be from the handcuffs. No big deal, I'm okay. You?”

_No big deal._ I closed my eyes and inhaled with my lips pressed together before looking at the ocean that had become a little less gray with the sunlight dancing on the waves. 

“You could say I just got better.”

 


	30. Bliss can only occur after despair

Minhyuk told me that the others were out to look around the city and would come to collect him sooner or later since he hadn't been very talkative or motivated to do anything, which is why all we could do was walk up and down the same hundred meters of beach as I told him what had happened. I told him about the weird and energetic Eric, Amy Lee who had been so business oriented and of course the American guy who had been so damn intimidating. I could tell from Minhyuk's glances that he was worried about me and my trauma concerning generals and army superiors in general but I didn't give him a chance to ask and then the topic passed anyway.

After a few more minutes, silence spread between the two of us though not an uncomfortable one and we sat down near where Minhyuk had stood when I had found him, a feeling of calmness and relaxation washing over me as I placed my bag to my right. It wasn't like there was nothing to deal with anymore but I had just taken a tall hurdle and was now simply relieved. _So what if the next problem comes_ , I thought as I glanced to the side to find Minhyuk staring at the wide sea in front of us.

“You're so different from yesterday”, he mumbled as though he felt my gaze on him and I flinched chewing on my bottom lip but didn't look away.

“Different?”

“Just look at you”, he replied turning his head towards me and glancing at the little space of maybe twenty centimeters separating our bodies. “You're never this close unless we are sleeping and you can't control that then. You're staring. You talked about what happened without me having to ask. You're so...talkative all of a sudden.”

My mouth was ajar but I couldn't find any words to reply. Now that he mentioned it I could tell he was right and I directed my gaze towards the sea as if it would tell me what to do. “I- I didn't really notice. Sorry, it...it might have been annoying, I'm sure it was, right?” _What are you getting nervous for?_

“I like it.” His voice was calm and I could hear a warm smile in it that made me shut up on the spot. _He would never say it even if it were annoying_. A sudden wave of coolness caused me to shiver but it was gone the next moment. _Must have been the wind._ “I'm going to lean against your shoulder, don't jump up or my neck might snap.”

“Uh, why-” The weight of his head was added to my left shoulder and I cleared my throat to suppress any sounds like shrieks or the like. Then I made sure to control my breathing. It would be fine. We had done worse. That sounds wrong but you know what I mean.

“See? You've changed”, Minhyuk stated triumphantly as though he had just proven me wrong. “Look, I don't know what we are or what you think of me right now but I'm just so glad you've gotten better to this extent. I don't know what happened yesterday either but it has done things to you and those things are good, so don't go back now. Just promise me that you will be in control of yourself like this instead of letting yourself be controlled by memories. You don't need them.”

_That was direct._ I swallowed hard.  _I don't know what we are._ Did I look like  _I_ knew? Because I certainly didn't, I couldn't say it even if I knew anyway. “We don't need to know”, I mumbled in reply while resting my chin on the palm of my hand. “Isn't it funny how you are the one telling me to forget after you tried so hard to make me keep all of my memories at the beginning?”

“I didn't tell you to forget, I want you to put them to rest. They don't need to be present twenty-four seven.”

I fell silent. Of course I knew that I was thinking too much about everything. Of course I knew that things that were long in the past should be put to rest. But knowing something and doing something against it were two entirely different things. And who was he to be ordering me around?

_Now hold up and take that last part back,_ I scolded myself in silence,  _he is the only one allowed to order you around in the first place_ . My brain acted as though it were oblivious to everything wrong with these thoughts but I was only half as shocked about it as I should have been. I wouldn't take another disappointment while at the same time, I wanted to know how things would play out. 

Was I going mad? Yes, probably. But with every day, with every new thing I got to know about Minhyuk I got more curious. Was that normal? Definitely not. You would think I had become more intelligent after falling victim to rape and being left by my first actual love but it didn't look like it. Same old stupid me but looking at Minhyuk I couldn't complain.

I wouldn't admit all these things to him though and watched him stand up and stretch his back in silence instead.  _Not yet and not any time soon. Maybe one day._

“Oh, Wonho! Shownu! Over here!”, Minhyuk exclaimed all of a sudden as he started waving enthusiastically and I flinched before turning around to see the two of them walk towards us. Their eyes landed on me and they stopped for a second only to pick up speed a moment later. Shownu pulled me to my feet before anyone else could react and Minhyuk's smile wavered.

“You're sitting here like nothing's wrong”, he snorted in disbelief and I was about to say something when Wonho of all people interfered by putting a hand on the elder's shoulder.

“He just did what he deemed best, I can't say I didn't do the same. Accept it.”

“Still”, Shownu insisted with his eyes on me and I licked my lips as I bowed my head, “you made us worry. Neither of us could really sleep so you'd better tell us everything went well instead of just sitting here with that kid and talking about whatever.”

Minhyuk puffed up his cheeks upon being called a kid and he pulled me away from Shownu by the hood of my shirt. “How would he have found you guys, you were all over the place anyway. Let it go, listen to the _kid_.”

I blinked a few times and cleared my throat as I wasn't used to people defending me in my stead. “You're not mad about the fact that I was a Chinese spy?”

“I was shocked but Wonho told me about this and that and I don't think I have the right to get angry at that part. You just go and apologize for making me worry and we're okay.”

What a surprise. A few more seconds of silence that was only interrupted by the crashing waves of the sea until I fell to my knees without thinking twice. “Sorry for making you worry. I didn't mean to but it was for everyone's best.”

“Wow, you're extra”, Shownu huffed in reply as he turned away and buried his hands in his pockets. “Whatever. Let's go to our tent, some creepy guy in uniform told me to gather my friends for some sort of examination.”

I glanced at Minhyuk who must have had the same idea and we said it at the same time. “Skills inspection.”

“Yeah, that might be it. Why, you know something else you didn't tell us? More secrets?” I could tell Shownu was angry but he couldn't blame me either so he just focused on asking annoyed questions, it was somewhat cute.

“I only heard about that before I got released. I've got something to give to that guy”, I explained while patting my backpack and neither of the two questioned what I was referring to, so we walked in silence, Wonho and Shownu at the front and me and Minhyuk shortly behind.

 

The remaining three were standing in a row next to the tall uniformed guy, eyes uncertain when we approached them and they spotted me. Kihyun wanted to move, preparing to lean on his crutches but a glance of the American had him stop and simply look at me in silence as Changkyun wrapped a hand around his arm. I could see sympathy and understanding, only Jooheon averting his eyes when I let mine stray towards him.

I rummaged around in my bag while Minhyuk, Shownu and Wonho lined up as well and the uniformed guy looked at the paper I handed him with a frown before nodding. “Alright, everybody there now?” I nodded and he motioned us to follow him, leading us to a rather far-away building – we walked for about fifteen minutes in absolute silence, I could feel Monsta X' stares on me.

In the spacious hall we arrived at, there were lots and lots of people practicing combat techniques, the right hand wall displayed shooting targets and I could see a variety of weapons at the far back. It felt like when I had first been recruited and I got all churned up inside while simultaneously feeling myself shut down my emotions. I got dizzy, vision blurry but it was all gone by the time I shook my head and focused on my task. Whatever this dizziness was, it didn't keep me from the weird mode I could always slip into when confronted with the army.

Spy mode.

After filling out some forms concerning our identities, we were told to sit and wait for our name to be called. Wonho was first, then Shownu. I watched as they were given tasks, attacked by more Americans, shooting targets, exhausting themselves and my mind started analyzing their every move, their stance, everything.

“Attacking first in combat leaves you without much defense”, I mumbled to myself when Wonho took a bunch of quick steps around his current enemy. You could see he had received at least basic combat training during his short time as a 'spy'. “Circling the enemy is always a good idea.” Shownu was shooting at that time and I narrowed my eyes at his stance. “Don't shoot with one eye, you'll lose your feeling for distance and depth. Stabilize your gun-hand with the other one for more precise shooting.”

Kihyun was called and I watched him get to his feet, supporting his weight with his crutches. Was it a good idea to have a handicapped person participate? He seemed to notice my stare and gave me a reassuring smile. “I listened to your mumbling, I'll be fine.” Not a single comment on me being a spy or hiding guns from them. Not an ounce of judgment. I looked to my right to witness as Changkyun scooted closer.

“What did you mumble? Mumble it again, I need help.”

An amused snort escaped my lips and I cleared my throat when I noticed Minhyuk, sitting left of me, had leaned closer as well. It was like they didn't see anything wrong about the fact that I could have betrayed them all this time. They were all _so...naive?_ No, positive _._ I licked my lips and stuttered for a while before repeating myself and pointing at people here and there. This stance is good, there you should be more defensive, make sure to be on your guard in this and that situation. I couldn't say it all until Jooheon and Changkyun were told to stand up, Minhyuk following soon after.

It was only me now. Those who were done with their examination had to wait for results near their inspectors, which is why neither Wonho nor anyone else had come back to the small bank I was sitting on. I resisted the urge to jump up whenever Minhyuk received a punch due to lacking defense. He had said he fought back in school but what good did that do if he was up against a trained soldier? I was on edge, watching him being thrown to the ground but a voice calling my name had me snap out of it. A uniformed guy looked at me in boredom, obviously not too impressed by what the others had shown him. I hadn't noticed how I had gotten to my feet and taken a step towards where Minhyuk was fighting, I had been too focused on how mad I got at his opponent.

It was my turn then.

Nobody spared me a glance as I walked onto the small combat field with cracking joints – nobody but Minhyuk and Jooheon who were standing near each other about twenty meters to my left. The former was rubbing his chin where a new bruise was about to form, darkening his pale skin. I grew mad and averted my eyes with a sigh. My opponent was around my height, more muscular maybe, but I didn't have time for anything else when the fight started already.

Blocking, counterattacking, footwork; we seemed to be of equal skills. He was slower than me but stronger and he used his weight to make the blows he landed more effective. I kept staring at his eyes that were indicating what he would do next. Focusing on the eyes is the most important part of a fist fight, everything else can be predicted from then onwards. Punch, kick, defensive stance. We repeated this several times until I spotted a hole in his technique, setting my foot differently from before to get to his left side.

A quick movement of my arm, a tight grip on his zipped-up jacket and a specific movement of my leg and I had used my opponent's main emphasis against himself to throw him to the ground with a loud bang. He couldn't escape, his arms and legs unable to move due to my grip and I waited patiently until the fight was stopped.

I stood up and helped my opponent get to his feet with a curt nod only to find that the hall was almost completely quiet, many eyes focusing on me in disbelief. Did I look that weak? Maybe that's why I had been so successful as a spy – nobody suspected me to be capable of doing anything properly. I didn't care much.

Shooting went well, though not as well as for Kihyun. I had gotten out of practice but I was satisfied with what I had shown to my vast audience when I walked up to the others again. Changkyun had watched me with curious eyes and ran forward to get a hold of my hand as he jumped around. “That was am _azing_! I mean, I should have expected you to fight like that but it was so impressive!”

I freed my hand to bury it in my pocket and blinked in confusion. “Excuse me?”

“You just _have_ to teach me one or two tricks, this was so cool!” He kept talking while jumping up and down and I looked over at Wonho and Kihyun who were just smiling at the scene with a shrug.

“It's not like I achieved something of importance”, I muttered just when we were called to a nearby desk where our results were announced. In skills, we were considered to be on levels from A to C, nobody had been sorted into the lowest category, not even Kihyun thanks to his outstanding shooting. We were also told that we would be asked to leave for another camp near the current front the next day and after finishing the formalities they said we could use this hall for training if we wanted to. Then we were allowed to leave.

“You're, like, our ace”, Kihyun stated as we were walking down a set of stairs. “You know, I thought a lot about you being a soldier before but I guess spy training is extra hard or else you wouldn't have become this epic in battle.”

I cleared my throat with an uncertain hum. “Y-Yeah, well, I made it hard on purpose because I...Ah, it's not important.” _Because I had to kill my general._ My eyes strayed towards Minhyuk's white hair swaying in the wind of an upcoming thunderstorm (dark clouds had formed while we had been waiting in that hall) and Kihyun let out a groan.

“Just go, you ace.”

“But it's complicated, you don't understand”, I muttered without actually wanting him to hear me. “You shouldn't assume-”

“Hey, could I talk to you for a second?”, I was interrupted by Jooheon tugging at my sleeve. I exchanged another glance with Kihyun, then slowed down with my hands in my pockets and watched the others take step after step. As long as I could escape the topic of what Minhyuk and I were, I'd gladly be talked to.

“Look, couldn't you have told us beforehand? It's not that hard, you know?”

My head snapped around to Jooheon who had his arms crossed in front of his chest with annoyance on his face. “What?”

“You know, everybody is acting oblivious but let me tell you that I rarely ever witnessed such a thick silence between the six of us. We trusted you with our everything, you're one of us after all, but you just...I don't understand it.”

I sighed and averted my eyes while licking my lips. “I didn't want you to doubt me so I didn't say anything.”

“Minhyuk knew.”

“You should have seen him when he found out, it hurt. It hurt so damn much, I still can't believe it.” Jooheon's hands curled into fists but I continued. “I wanted everything to stay the same but it was stupid and I know that but now you're let in on the issue anyway, what more do you need me to say?”

“Apologize for doubting our trust in you.” Our eyes met and I saw hurt pride in his. That and sadness. He wanted me to apologize for...what? “I thought we were friends, to _me_ you _are_ a friend. And friends don't doubt each other.”

“I never- I mean, to whom else will I have to apologize today?” I let out another groan and took a deep breath when his jaw tensed. Apologize for doubting them. What was his deal? “Fine. I'm sorry for doubting you? I really am and I know you will not trust me as much as before but-”

“Did you not listen to me?”, he interrupted me again with an eyebrow raised. “I said friends don't doubt each other. I heard what I wanted to hear, let's go catch up with the others. Gosh, you're such a pain.”

“I-”

“Just be quiet and let me curse at you. You know you deserve it, you stupid ass liar.”

I cleared my throat and a small sigh left my lips. So this was all it took to get him to talk to me again and set things straight? It was only these moments that had me realize Jooheon was actually younger than me, he just couldn't hold grudges. I didn't complain. _I heard what I wanted to hear._ He was just like Shownu, it was no surprise they got along so well.

The rest of the day was...calm. It had only been around one or two in the afternoon when our skills inspection ended so we still had plenty of time left and this time, Kihyun said he wanted to chill by the sea and Shownu and Jooheon accompanied him while Wonho and Changkyun planned to explore the city for a little longer. Minhyuk asked me what I wanted to do but I could just shrug and say sleep. I had gotten too few of that and a quick nap surely wouldn't hurt, so Minhyuk told me he'd be back wake me up in an hour and went with Wonho for the time being.

It felt weird watching him leave with the hyperactive youngest and the blond hulk, the corners of my mouth turning downwards as I entered our tent, oblivious to the random other guy in there, and lay down.

 

A hand shook my body and Minhyuk's soft voice asked me to open my eyes – so I did, squinting into the light of a nearby lantern before looking at my watch. “It's been two hours”, I groaned with my voice rough from sleep, eyes having a hard time focusing on the white hair. “We said one. You forgot the time?”

“I know and I was back after one hour as promised but you looked so calm and relaxed, so I waited for a little longer”, he explained with a smile in his voice. “You didn't dream, right?”

“I might be too far away from my demons for them to reach me.” I sat up and stretched my back with a long yawn before squinting at Minhyuk. He was sitting right next to me, knees drawn up and chin resting on them while his warm eyes were on me. “Y-you watched me in my sleep?”, I asked incredulously and his smile widened when he stood up.

“It wasn't all that spectacular, I read this for some time instead.” He picked up a book from the nearby stool to throw it into my lap and I recognized it as my book about the Clan.

“Wait, where did you-”

“I took it with me because you had forgotten about it. Wanted to give it to you but we were a little...well, there was no real chance. I don't know what you're going to do with it, but I thought maybe you wanted it as a memory of our good old dealer times.”

I flicked my fingers against his leg with a snort. “ _You_ were dealing. I was just writing down.”

“Like the good spy you are”, he hummed in return and then looked around for a moment – not that there was much to see in that dark tent. “Were. Sorry, this wasn't meant to sound rude.”

“It's fine, I...I deserve it, I guess.” Awkward silence spread and I played with my fingers for a few seconds before sighing quietly. “I'll have a look around the city then, want to come along?”

A thankful smile appeared on his face as he nodded. “Sure, let's go! The thunderstorm still hasn't started, we've got plenty of time.”

So we walked here and there, Minhyuk pointing out several stores offering different food than the convenience stores back at our hometown. We couldn't believe it when we spotted a package of American cookies in a shop window, when was the last time we had seen that? We had been kids, teenagers at most. _We will go back to those times_ , I swore to myself, _carefree and without any reason for worry._

We had just reached the seashore when a bright white light followed by loud rumbling had us flinch. I hadn't even noticed how dark the sky had gotten and swallowed when the first thick raindrops started to fall. One, two...tens...hundreds. I groaned, shielding my eyes from the falling water with a scowl.

“You don't like rain?”, Minhyuk wondered with his head tilted to the side like some puppy and I scrunched up my nose.

“I told you I'm more of a snow person, didn't I?”

“You know, snow is actually just frozen rain?”

“That's hail.”

“Oh wow, sorry for being so dumb, mister know-it-all”, he huffed with a roll of his eyes and I buried myself further in my shirt as the sand on the beach got dark from the raindrops seeping into it, impregnating it.

“Snow is quiet. White. Soft. It's just crystallized but it's so much calmer than rain.”

“Now that you say it like this it fits with your character. You're just like snow.”

“You mean cold?”

“Soft and calm, you idiot.” I fell silent as the people around us made for their homes in a hurry. A few umbrellas were put up but there were less and less persons to be seen leaving only the two of us by the beach. We didn't move for some time until Minhyuk's voice cut through the loud drumming of raindrops against pavement. “Makes me wonder why I didn't like snow until recently.”

 _Snow often symbolizes cleansing._ I recalled what Minhyuk had told me once. _Let's mark this day as a new beginning for you, okay? Your second chance_. I gave up on trying to shield myself from the rain and turned to look at him when he pushed his wet hair back. _That was before he knew about it all._ A serene smile graced his lips and he closed his eyes for a moment taking a deep breath. “Probably because you're more of a rain person”, I replied absentmindedly with my fringe dripping, clothes already soaked with water after this short time. _But rain is cleansing as well._ “Loud, getting under people's skin. We're basically polar opposites.” _Washing away my sins._ Allowing me a new start. _Your second chance._

“You got a problem with that?”

“Sadly, I don't.” _I would love to start over and over again as long as you let me. I'll get everything right one day but it just isn't the time yet._ It was Minhyuk's turn to look at me with that hopeful glint to his eyes that had me clear my throat when army memories flooded my brain again. _I'll always be with you_. You're not, Yi-en. I recalled the disappointment on my father's face when I had told him how I felt about the blond. _Son? You call yourself my son? You think this is some kind of joke?_ Why did I remember this now?

A sudden wave of goosebumps rushed over my skin and I had to hold on to the nearest banister to keep my balance. “Shit-”

“Hyungwon, what's wrong?” I formed fists with my hands to suppress the trembling. What was this? And why now? I felt Minhyuk's fingers around my upper arm in an instant, his eyes now worried as they looked up at me. “Hyungwon. Hey, Chae Hyungwon.” _I'm cold._

“What day is it today?”

“Uh, wait, I don't-” He halted upon realizing what I was referring to. “It's Wednesday.”

_Wednesday._ A huff escaped my lips. “Holy shit, how didn't I notice? Must have been too preoccupied with keeping us safe.” I managed to let out a quiet chuckle. Was my vision blurry or was it just the rain?  _Let's say it's the rain._

“You-”

“I need my dose.”

“But this could be your chance to-”

“I need it, Minhyuk”, I insisted, the rain unbearably noisy all of a sudden. “I need to be fully recovered by tomorrow morning, cold turkey won't do. Let's go back to the tent, yeah? Sorry, I just...I didn't have a chance to-”

“Don't apologize”, Minhyuk whispered calmly and I licked my lips, almost embarrassed that I had suddenly grown so weak. It was the sudden decrease of stress and tension, just like a migraine, they simply appeared out of nowhere. Withdrawal symptoms. “Come on, let's go.”

My heart clenched when his jaw tensed and he grabbed my wrist to drag me back to our tent. I didn't want to talk about us but breaking it off like this was just not fair. I had to talk to him about it one day, had to admit it all to myself but every time I had to think about it my memories had me shut down. I was not ready as long as these memories were around.  _Put them to rest._ But how? “I'm sorry”, I whispered quietly into the rain but he didn't hear me so I raised my voice for the following words as I pulled him back, an idea forming in my head. “Y-you-”

“I, what?”, he asked, urging me forward as though he feared I might collapse any moment.

“You'll stay for as long as I'm...knocked out, right?”

His fingers clenched around my wrist for a while, then slid down to my fingers and I held on to them by reflex.  _Isn't that proof enough?_ “Uhm, I...yeah, sure. Someone's got to protect you, right?”, Minhyuk replied with a careful smile and I returned it in relief.

“Don't leave until I tell you otherwise, okay?”

“What are you saying, you're out of it, let's fetch you your vial.”

I struggled for words for a while, inhaling several times only to let my breath out again a second later. I couldn't say it and let myself be dragged away. “Yeah, let's...let's kill my memories for the moment.”

_Coward._

 

________________

 

“Is he still not letting go?”, Kihyun asked with a slightly amused tone to his voice and I made a face at him just when the fingers tightened around my bare wrist yet again. Shownu was lying to my right, an interested glint to his eyes when I craned my head to look at him. A quiet groan had my gaze dart towards Hyungwon again in an instant though.

Yeah, so, about Hyungwon...

“I don't remember but has he always been this...clingy?”, our handicapped friend asked with a snort and I shrugged, as far as it was possible with Hyungwon's arm thrown over me in his sleep.

“Only when we slept tog- when I helped him with his nightmares.”

“I know exactly what you were going to say, are you blushing?”

“I know you know and that's why I stopped before I could say it out loud”, I snapped in repose, patting Hyungwon's hair with my free hand. It had only been twenty minutes since he had fallen asleep and I would do anything so that he didn't wake up in a drugged state as long as the others were around. I didn't want them to see his insecure and kind of cute side, it was the little secret we shared only between ourselves, the one thing that I thought made me special. _You_ are _special to him,_ the voice in my head said, just quietly but loud enough for me to smile at the taller male lying to my left and sleeping soundly.

I hadn't really noticed but the others had taken their doses on Tuesday, while I was out sulking over the fact that Hyungwon had been taken away from us. Everybody was perfectly fine, only Hyungwon had forgotten about his own dose, having to deal with heavy repercussions.

“ _Lee, I need to tell you something”, Hyungwon mumbled with his fingers never letting go of the fabric of my sweater; a grip made of iron. “You know I'm, like, super insecure and stuff?”_

_I glanced at Kihyun as he left the tent to give us some space to talk. (Of course he hadn't said it that way but the way he smirked at me made clear that he wasn't oblivious to the bright pink of my ears.) “I do. What about it?”_

“ _Well”, he began and pulled me to the ground next to him, staring at me from eyes with dilated pupils, “you're the only one who knows it all. There's no one else who knows as much about me as you. Weird, isn't it? We've only known each other for, I don't know, four months? Five?”_

The only one who knows it all. _“That's...well, you can trust me and you finally know that now, don't you?”_

“ _I trust you more than you might think”, he replied right away, his hand slipping from the fabric of my t-shirt to grab my hand. As always, I couldn't believe this was actually Chae Hyungwon. “It's scaring me. I'm afraid you'll leave and I'll have no trust left anymore.”_

_My expression softened as I squeezed his hand for a second. “Trust once and you'll learn to trust more and more. You've been so scared but you took the first step already. It will only get better now because I'm not going to leave.”_

“ _Just promise me this one thing-”_

“ _I promised you a lot of things already.”_

“ _This one's super duper important though.” I had to chuckle for a moment before managing to get myself together and look at the dark-haired whose face was barely fifteen centimeters away from mine. His eyes were so dark, so mysterious and...troubled. “Don't forget me. Ever.”_

“ _I-” The words got stuck in my throat upon hearing him sounding choked up and all. “Why would I forget you? I got away from the drugs. I'm fine, I won't forget a thing about you or anything ever again.”_

“ _But will you really?”_

“ _Hey, Kihyun said you were- oh.” Shownu stopped himself when he walked into the spacious tent, his usually blank expression turning into one of surprise. I shot him a short glance but concentrated on Hyungwon again a moment later._

“ _You're special, Hyungwon. No one's going to forget you. I could never. I swear.”_

“ _You know everything.” He looked up at me with a vulnerability I had only seen about twice. His eyes would shake, teeth clenched and hands cold as he weighed his options until he simply huddled up against my chest. “You'd better keep that.”_

“I know everything”, I mumbled so quietly only the tiniest whisper would reach Kihyun's ears and I didn't repeat myself when he asked what I had said anymore. It was my personal secret. I pretended to have fallen asleep before I could answer and soon enough I felt my eyelids grow heavy for real while staring at Hyungwon's head of hair below my chin. _I know everything._ He flinched in his sleep, his arm pulling me closer as if to hide himself from the world. I'd gladly offer myself as a hideout any time. _If I know it all, how come I still can't tell you so many things?_

 

I woke up just a few minutes before Hyungwon started moving, stretching his limbs and letting out tiny groans like a cat would after a long and deep sleep. I considered moving away from him to give him space but everything shut off when I saw his sleepy eyes blink up at me. _I could wake up to this every day_ , I thought in surprise and confusion at the same time. I _wanted_ this to be my reality so bad all of a sudden I had to resist the urge to hug him tightly and never let go.

I held back and waited, eyes on his while he stared back at me and he was...calm. At least for the moment. Not the usual panic in his eyes, just the same vulnerability as the night before. “Good morning”, he mumbled with a yawn crinkling his nose and almost making his eyes disappear.

“Good morning”, I whispered back with the hint of a smile, “Feeling better?”

His eyes fell on our linked hands, Adam's apple bobbing when he swallowed. “Not sure. Probably.” His thumb started drawing little circles on the back of my hand and I watched as he stared at it in concentration as though it was the only thing that mattered at that moment. “Sorry for shutting off all of a sudden yesterday, I...The realization just kicked in and I couldn't- couldn't think of anything else.”

He sounded genuinely sorry and my smile widened. “It's alright, you were right, you needed that dose.”

“But you-” He looked up with his eyes shaking as though he was only realizing how close we were now. His hand started trembling and he shuffled away with something I would classify as an actual whimper. “Yeah, I'm...I'm good now.”

He rose to his feet before I could comment on anything and Shownu shoved me, half-asleep and voice just a groan. “Be quiet I'm trying to sleep here.”

“Sorry.” I met gazes with Hyungwon once more before he scratched the back of his neck and walked out 'to get some fresh air.' I let out a sigh before falling back onto my makeshift pillow consisting of my sweater and trying to sleep for a little longer. But of course I couldn't.

 

We were asked to leave about an hour later, everybody got up, took a brisk shower in the nearest public bath and assembled near the tent again where the soldier motioned us towards a bigger van. A van. I stopped in front of the vehicle, just like Shownu, Kihyun and Changkyun, to swallow and lick my lips in nervousness.

Hyungwon seemed to notice, elbowing Wonho and putting a hand on Changkyun's neck with a knowing look. “It's not that hard”, he assured and I jerked in surprise when his fingers curled around the fabric of my sweater I had pulled over my shirt again. I glanced up at him but his eyes were focused on Changkyun and Kihyun further to the right, his hand being the only thing indicating that he knew I was there.

“Come on in, we don't have all day”, Wonho chimed in, pushing Shownu forward as Jooheon extended his hand to help them into the van and we slowly started moving. Hyungwon patted Changkyun's neck again and pulled me into the car – still without looking at me.

Our ride was spent in tense silence, Hyungwon's fingers curled around the fabric covering my wrist as the others talked amongst themselves with hushed voices. The soldier aside there were two other people sitting in the vehicle with us but they fell asleep five minutes into the ride. Hyungwon's warmth radiating to my left was reassuring, his hand telling me we'd be fine without him having to tell me explicitly. We drove for about half an hour until we reached our goal already. So this was where the border lay at the moment.

We were instructed to go here and there, give our names, sign up for this and that special training in the afternoon and greet our new superiors. All I could do was follow Hyungwon's lead as to him this whole military reality was the most present. He'd tense up from time to time, his eyes would turn cold or his speech would get a weird note to it but I made myself believe that he relaxed a little when his gaze strayed towards me. He stood close rather often but wouldn't really talk to me or initiate any form of contact. It was always just him, his past and our eyes.

We were assigned to various types of training depending on which strengths we had shown the day before and I found out that the Americans had some sort of faith in my shooting skills – well, my hand to hand combat must have looked awful judging by the bruises decorating my upper body. So I spent the rest of the day shooting with Jooheon while the others received a briefing in attack and defense in combat at some other training hall of the same building.

I didn't have time to talk to Hyungwon. Didn't have time to look at him for much longer than a couple of seconds. Every time I tried to go and find him my instructor, one who could actually speak some sort of Korean, would give me a new task or a new target to shoot with growing precision. It was far from perfect but by the end of the day I could proudly say that my stance had gotten a lot more stable, Kihyun had seen it as well when passing by our room and complimented me for it. We had only stopped for about ten minutes in between to shove some food into our mouths and I was so glad to finally be released early in the evening.

It was all quite surreal. One day we were casually joking around, two days later we were training to become soldiers. What a life. I wouldn't have believed it if someone told me things would end up like this.

Jooheon came to complain about his hurting fingers or something but I could only peek into every corridor hoping to catch a glimpse of the others. A familiar broad back had me smile and run up to the bright haired man, Jooheon and the pain in our fingers forgotten in an instant. “Wonho! Doing good?”

He turned with a warm smile while simultaneously massaging his shoulder with one hand. “It's hell but I think it's good for all of us. I threw Kihyun to the ground thrice already and-”

“He will never forgive you”, I chuckled but Wonho was not impressed and only raised his hands with a smirk.

“It was an order, dude, I obviously didn't have a choice. It's not like he doesn't deserve a beating every now and then just because he's handica- ha hahaha my body hurts _so_ bad!” I rolled my eyes and didn't even have to turn around to know Kihyun was standing right there behind us with his eyebrow raised in resignation.

“Wait until we get to the shooting, big boy. Taser guns hurt”, he muttered with a more or less serious punch to Wonho's shin with one of his crutches.

“I've had experiences more electrifying than that when I hooked up with-”

“ _Stop_ right there!”, I interfered with my eyes clenched shut and a sigh leaving my lips shortly afterwards. Gosh, did he always have to get back at his love life?

“Why, jealous?”, he scoffed only to earn himself another punch but he took it with a grin when Shownu, Changkyun and Hyungwon came out of their room rubbing their sore muscles like Wonho had before. My eyes automatically darted towards Hyungwon, seeing the dark and emotionless look in his eyes flicker and finally vanish but he still didn't say or do anything aside from nodding and giving us a curt smile. I didn't like that look. It made me think Hyungwon was suffering, losing himself in his past. And Shownu proved me right when he dragged me to the end of our short line, Kihyun and Jooheon occupying Hyungwon for the moment.

“He's so different once he gets down to business. As though any form of pity or restraint just disappears for the time of the fight. He doesn't talk, doesn't seem to think about anything but defeating his enemy, he's completely focused. It's scary. As though he isn't himself anymore.”

I thought of the times he would defend me against Exo, physically and verbally, and could only nod. _As if he's forgetting about his human side and turns into a predator without restraint._ “Do you think we can help?”, I whispered quietly but Shownu could only shrug.

“I don't know. He's so deep down that hole it's hard enough to even get him back into reality. It's no use asking him, he'll have to talk about it on his own.” He raised a brow at me. “Understood?”

“I had no intention of- Well, maybe I...okay”, I sighed while fumbling with my sore hands and fell silent afterward, the seven of us walking towards our designated room and bunk beds in almost complete silence. It was hard to talk for the close combat team whereas Jooheon and I simply walked alongside each other without anything to say that didn't concern Hyungwon and he would have heard us if we had talked about it.

 

One day after the other. I had noticed that the days had gotten longer for some time now and I stayed out until late hours to enjoy the sun. We spent our days in routines. Waking up, training, being introduced to our future task of making sure everything was in order behind the front lines, free time in the evening, going to bed.

During the free time Hyungwon would sometimes be crouching over his book, the one about the Clan, but he wouldn't let anybody near him to see what he was writing and crossing out over and over again. I tried as well but the hostile look in his eyes had stopped me soon enough. _He'll talk once he's ready._

I did talk to Hyungwon, mostly in the morning, but we talked about literally everything except for...us. Whenever he started drifting off into emotional memories, like things he had done with Sangwon when they were both still in elementary school or the discussions he had had with Yi-en, he would break off just a short time later. I followed Shownu's advice and didn't ask about his training or his thoughts during those times. He would have to come to me, seek comfort instead of simply receiving it.

But Hyungwon had always been a rather bull-headed person. One who kept to himself. It went on like this for five days and it was Tuesday again, barely more than one week since we had left our home to help in the south of Korea.

We were split up in the morning this time, having to follow another soldier each to see how they worked and covered their parts of the border. Sometimes I would spot one of the other guys but other than that it was once again a time of one instructor, me and my own thoughts. _I wonder what the others are thinking about_. I could only think of when to see Hyungwon again. I had ordered Kihyun to tell me about his state during close combat practice and everything indicated that he was falling deeper and deeper into his memories. He was back to being a spy whose eyes would only soften a little upon seeing us. Nothing compared to the week before, the week he had so insecurely confessed that he was afraid of being forgotten. I was worried but still I tried to hold back.

Later that day the instructor told us that we would go and secure the border a little further to the west the next morning and receive training in the afternoon instead. He said we were ready and I licked my lips. “How's the main battle going?”

He didn't let any emotion show – he never did, so I figured it was an army thing – but nodded. “It's going well from what information I have. Don't worry.” This finally broke me out of this steady routine. We were moving forward. We could win. We could be back at home in no time.

I hummed a rather happy melody to myself on our way back to our room but suddenly, a hand wrapped around my upper arm and pulled me back so I let out a short sound of surprise. The persons grip as well as their breath was shaky and I furrowed my brows when I caught a glimpse of Hyungwon's outgrown dark brown hair.

“I need you to watch over me.”

“W-what?” He took a deep breath and rested his chin on my shoulder with his eyes closed while the others walked ahead without really noticing how we were staying behind. _Watch over him as in...?_ “Delphinium?”

“I won't survive tomorrow without it.” Why was his voice so husky? Why did he sound as though he was in pain? Was this why his breath was shaking? Where did this urge come from?

“It's not even been seven days yet”, I replied firmly, still unable to turn around because of his heavy head weighing me down while he took deep and controlled breaths. “Can't it wait for one more day?”

“Believe me”, he breathed so quietly it sent a wave of goosebumps across my skin. “I can't take any more, it's too hard.” Had I ever heard him _beg_ for drugs like this before? My heart clenched and I licked my lips placing a hand on his white fingers that were curled around my upper arm.

“Together with the others? They said they would take theirs today as well-”

“No, I found a quiet place. I will sleep in our room later but I feel like there's something I should...I just don't feel like I can- They- It's not like I don't trust the others but somehow I only want you to-”

“Alright.” He stopped struggling for words and moved to look at me in surprise.

“You don't know what I was going to say.”

“I'll get your vial. Just stand by and we'll go wherever that place is. Be back in a minute.”

 

We didn't go to his intended 'quiet place' right away but 'made a stop' at the darkest corner of the building where the lights weren't functioning. I could only make out his expression with difficulty but it was still the dark and emotionless mask like before and I glanced down at the vial in my hand. The others had frowned at me, asking for explanations when I took it in a hurry but I couldn't, I didn't even know what was going on myself. “So, you want to drug yourself after only six days? I don't think it's a good idea. What is this even about?”

I saw his body tremble though he tried to conceal it by sitting down, leaning against the wall and clenching his hands to fists. “I can't go on without it.”

“You even managed more than one week last time, today is only your sixth day, Hyungwon. This doesn't make sense-”

“I'm becoming a monster again, Minhyuk!” And suddenly, the hardness disappeared from his face, vanished in the blink of an eye when he raised his head to stare at me with clattering teeth. “I stop thinking about things again. I'm going back to the way I was.”

“You-” I swallowed and crouched down in front of him in worry. He curled up, hiding his face from me. Another breakdown. “You want to forget again all of a sudden?” I showed him the vial but much to my surprise he pushed it away.

“Wait, I still have things to say. You need to understand.” He breathed in to look at me again, the darkness abating. “These past days. Training, being told what to look out for, building my muscles again after months of doing almost nothing, pretending to be oblivious to the pain my training partners feel. It's all repeating itself. I'm...I'm scared, Minhyuk. I'm afraid of abandoning who I've become again. It's like I never met you or the others, it's stressing me out. It's not the addiction. I _don't_ want to forget but D-Del...the flower is the only thing that can stop this whole-” He started gesturing wildly but couldn't find the right words until he just let out a sigh, arms dropping to the side. “This is the only thing that can remind me of all these good months.”

I buried the vial in my pocket and pulled him to his feet, hands tightly grabbing his to stop the trembling. “You should have told us instead of shutting yourself off, gosh, do you know how worried I was? You weren't really talking to us anymore, that was the scary part. You know you can tell us when there's something bothering you, right?”

“I'm telling _you_ right now, am I not?”

His eyes narrowed at me and he looked defensive, as though he wasn't sure whether this had been a good choice or not in the first place so I settled with a slightly pained smile instead of a reproachful expression. “Do I, do  _ we _ , not remind you of good months? Is it all just the drug?”

“It's not, shit, Minhyuk, no. It's just that this...I'm not used to talking about things. Even after all this time. The chemicals make it so much easier, you know? That's- I know talking to you should help, should make me better-”

“And now that you talked to me, do you feel better?”

“I do but why?” He closed his eyes and withdrew his hands as carefully as possible. “You're confusing me, I don't know anymore. Is it you or is it that I'm anticipating the feeling of drugs in my system? I just hope it's not...not...” His eyes fell on my pocket and I fished the vial out of it staring at it. Why did he think this vial was of more help than me? It made me jealous. Jealous of a vessel of glass.

I acted before I could think. I placed my free hand on the back of his neck, pulling him down until I could place a short kiss on his forehead, then buried him in my shoulder. "None of this can help you? It...It must be counterproductive."

He let out a choked sound, shaking even more. "I want it to help. Want this to help so bad. Maybe someday it will but just...Just not today. Don't stop trying."

_ I want it to help.  _ “ It's not just your past, you're confused because of this, aren't you?”, I concluded presenting him the vial after another moment of hesitation. “If...if this is really the only way-”

“Not yet”, he retorted grabbing my wrist and dragging me through the building, back into the bright lights and to the next elevator. “We still haven't gone to the place I was talking about before.”

“You still- Ah, whatever, alright. If it makes you feel better.”

“ That's not my point for once.” I didn't ask him what the point was then. Hyungwon was completely out of his mind and he was genuinely scared. I wouldn't say he couldn't go there if he insisted on it so bad. He would have a reason, so I followed.

It didn't hit me until he was pressing the highest floor number in the elevator but Hyungwon wanted to go to the roof of the building. The roof of a damn forty floor building. “Do you think this is a g-good idea?”, I barely managed to whisper, twisting and turning the vial in my sweaty palms as the number went higher and higher.

“A very good one”, Hyungwon insisted with a nod just when the elevator made a sound indicating that we had reached the fortieth floor and I was pushed out of the small cell as Hyungwon went right to open the door to the roof, oblivious to the warning signs. “The mechanisms are shut off anyway”, he mumbled upon seeing my shocked expression and pushed the door open, shaking fingers curled around my wrist again.

I clenched my eyes shut. Why here? It would be too high up. The air was chilly and I shivered finding it hard to breathe but Hyungwon simply dragged me towards a more or less wind-protected place and sat me down, leaning closer. “Open your eyes”, he whispered with his trembling voice that had suddenly become a lot softer, hands on my shoulders. “It's alright.”

“Just the thought is scaring me”, I replied with a shake of my head. “It's a tall building. You know I can't- I don't- Just take your dose and let's go, I don't even know what brought you here in the first place.”

“It's you. Open your eyes, Minhyuk”, he repeated and I let out a sound of frustration.

“I was worried about your state and now-” I tried glaring at Hyungwon and the words got stuck in my throat upon seeing him sitting right in front of me with his expression completely composed even though his hands were shaking.

“I can't be the only one receiving therapy, right?”, he mumbled as I kept staring and staring. The sun was just about to set, painting the sky a bright scarlet red. The light shone onto everything, making it look gilded and somewhat sparkling. Buildings, mountains, the rooftop, Hyungwon, myself. It would have looked beautiful to anyone but my heart was still hammering like mad thinking about the height.

_ I can't be the only one _ . I glanced at Hyungwon, the breath completely knocked out of me by now and he seemed to notice, turning me away from the scenery to face him and him only. He had chosen this place for me to see. For me to get used to heights but I couldn't. It was too much. “It's too high.” Was that weak thing even my voice?

“I know”, he whispered back, hesitating for a second before enclosing me in his arms and pressing my head to his chest. “And this is too close. But we won't get better on our own.”

“I thought this was about you.” I shivered again, nervous and cold but at least Hyungwon was shielding me from the terrible height. _It's alright, it's just a terrifyingly tall building. It's just tall. It's-_ I clenched my eyes shut fingers clenching around the small vial in my hand as Hyugwon exhaled next to my ear. “Put an end to this. Let me go back inside.”

He waited for another five seconds, then let go and threw his arm over my shoulder to guide me back to the door. I wanted to get away from this insecure height, wanted to stay away from the rooftop forever but somehow I turned around again. I couldn't deny the fact that the golden city down there looked stunning.  _ But it's just too high up _ . I glanced at Hyungwon who was biting back a smile. “You like it.”

“It's the sunlight. Not the h-heigth. It's somewhat...interesting.”

“That's already better than outright scary”, he noted leading me through the door with a nod. “I said what I wanted to say. You stepped onto a rooftop without questioning it for a moment and that's a start. I can knock myself out in peace now.”

“I'm still against it, it hasn't even been a week-”

“It's either you watch over me or I'll sneak out at night and probably mess something up like last time. I'd rather have you there, your choice.”

I bit down on my lower lip.  _ I'd rather have you there _ . Did he know what he was doing to me? Was he doing this on purpose? At any rate I knew I wouldn't be able to say no to him anymore. I was depending on him so much,  _ too _ much, I was beginning to wonder who needed whom more. All these things I didn't dare saying or asking. But one day I would. For now it was Hyungwon's turn to get out of his hole. I would guide him as far as I could and then we'd switch roles. Eventually, we'd both get out. _ He'll make it and so will I. _

“Here. Just one drop”, I mumbled as I passed him the vial. “I'll be there.”

 


	31. Despair is the result of worrying too much

Time passed by.

You would think many things changed after that day on the rooftop but in reality, it was more of a silent agreement all of us reached. Our lives fell into a new rhythm that was surprisingly similar to our old one. Every morning we would go out and walk down the paths we were assigned. We checked for any anomalies, talked to the people living there, asked for unusual happenings or anything the like. We had to find out if there was just the tiniest hint that China was plotting something within our reclaimed territory – Hyungwon being on our side didn't automatically mean there were no other spies after all.

After a short lunch break we would go down to the basement for training, the routine changing every now and then. I got very precise at shooting, learned the basics of close combat. I was getting better at everything though Hyungwon totally left us behind in the overall evaluation of course. They got us a bunch of uniforms at some point and I wanted to laugh out loud. They were white. White as snow and white as my hair that was slowly growing out by then. The intention behind these uniforms was that they were the complete opposite of that of Chinese officers. People on the streets were supposed to trust us and tell us about their problems, not mistake us for another oppressor after all.

Every week, the others would take their doses, enjoy themselves, laugh and let loose because they started to feel more at ease, the daily routine creeping in. Every week, their vials would get a little more empty. Every week the unavoidable fate of having to dry out drew closer. And yet every week was the same.

You want to know about Hyungwon?

He kept writing things down in his book for another week, looking very pensive and even vulnerable at times. Every day I would come collect him after training was over. Even if he actually finished his training unit first he would keep going and going, sending the others ahead until I would get there and call out for him. His eyes would be dark, his mouth pressed into a thin line and overall posture hostile. It would take him a bunch of seconds before his expression softened and he let himself be dragged out of the spacious hall without resisting.

We would grab some food and I would talk about all the stuff I had done that day, complain about how nothing ever happened on patrol (only to be rebuked for wishing for action by Hyungwon) and try to get him out of his dark state in general. It worked well. It felt a little bit like taking care of a cat that wouldn't be nice to anybody but you and I grew more and more addicted to seeing the little changes in his eyes, the smiles tugging at his mouth's corners from time to time, the way his whole face would change shape then.

On drug days, he would be preoccupied, eyes never focusing on anything in particular, not even during training. While everyone else laughed and had fun together, he often asked me to go to the rooftop with him. I would say no at first, knowing just how high it was up, but him asking again and again had me give in after three weeks. I would press myself against the cold wall as wind kept tearing at my clothes, would stare at the scenery in shock and awe at the same time.

After five minutes I would ask Hyungwon to leave again and he would comply. Then ten. Fifteen. I learned to endure the height for much longer than I thought, eventually able to give Hyungwon his dose on the rooftop already and lead his drugged self downstairs later without my knees shaking too much. While high, he would sometimes place a feather light kiss on the back of my hand linked with his. Then I would stop him because this wasn't his real self and I didn't want to confuse Chae with Hyungwon. This was something I didn't trust myself with, differentiating between the two of them. Then we would sleep next to each other without ever judging the other the next day. It wasn't much but it was somewhat calming.

Yes, I was happy with just that.

And then, after four weeks, we were moved to a new areal.

 

________________

 

I didn't like the fact that we had to train so hard even though we would never go to the front line. I didn't like that they treated us like a bunch of mercenaries. I had tried to stay positive at first but for some reason I just couldn't get myself to smile anymore. It was all too familiar. Minhyuk's presence made it a lot more bearable, helped me when I was about to drown in almost forgotten memories.

I didn't know what I was doing whenever I was high but it must already have been hard enough on him to be the only sober one out of us seven, so I wanted to give him something in return as well. I would cure his vertigo, at least make it hurt less. It was the least I could do after he had to put up with me and my dark and absentminded self. The great view helped a lot, he got more and more confident though his eyes were still shaking, often glued to me instead of the tall houses. Still it didn't feel bad, not at all. When we moved areas I was a bit sad we would have to leave that behind but what could I say? We had to move forward. Slowly but steadily.

Another week passed, our fifth or sixth now, I didn't really keep track of the passing time. What month was it anyway? We received a short instruction for the new area, the American soldiers always patient with us, different from the Chinese ones I knew. It was easier now that we were kind of focused on that one task, our training aside. Minhyuk's shooting had gotten so much better he was almost as good as me now and I can't say I didn't watch him train with some sort of admiration from time to time.

He just had that determination to him. The kind that captivated all of me, the kind that left me impressed and at a loss for words. He fired shots knowing that he could kill a person with them. He 'fought' punching bags knowing that he could break noses with those fists. I could see the uncertainty, the respect in his eyes whenever he was in training and that was so different from what I was used to. Different from what I had seen in the mirror for months and years. He was what I could have been, someone who feels sorry for every enemy he faces, but that's not how things had worked out for me so I wanted to at least protect _him_ from turning his own heart into stone. I wanted him to stay just the way he was, cheerful, loud, barging into my everyday life over and over again. He was lighting things up inside of me and I enjoyed all the times we spent together.

It was Wednesday when he told me about a change of plans that I had a sudden realization.

“So, you'll go a bit further to the east?”, I concluded with my hands buried in my pockets after breakfast. The skies were clear but puddles on our way indicated that it had rained quite a lot and not too long ago. Rain, rain and even more rain. _Loud and getting under my skin_.

“Yeah, they said it's safe near the base since they received a couple more recruits and we should go check out the newly conquered parts of the city”, Minhyuk explained with a nervous glint to his eyes. “It's getting closer to the front line, I'm...I don't know what to think of that.”

“We were promised that we wouldn't be sent to the front lines, don't worry about it”, I assured him with a careful smile. “You'll see it's not that bad.”

“If you say so.” He kicked the gravel with a sigh, then looked at me and pulled me into a powerless hug, one that was weak enough for me to be able to step away if it got too much to handle. Minhyuk knew me by then. He would always be like this and just as much as I liked this consideration I also wished for the day to come when he wouldn't have to be careful anymore. I didn't want him to have to lock himself up in his own mind. I wrapped an arm around his shoulders and he buried his face in the crook of my neck for a while, enjoying the warmth and softness with a sigh.

A few more moments passed, seconds, a few minutes maybe, until his soft lips brushed my sensitive skin and I tensed up in shock. What was he doing? He wasn't usually like this and my hands clenched for a second, causing him to move away with his eyes closed and a sigh escaping his lips. “I'm sorry”, he whispered, mirroring me and burying his hands in his pockets as well. “I just...just wanted to do this for a longer time now. Too much, right?”

I touched the tingling spot with my fingertips and inhaled several times, trying to say something but he was quick to duck his head and turn around with an apologetic smile. “Sorry, really, uhm, I- I'd better go, they'll be waiting for me.” And then he ran off, leaving me outside our new residence without looking back.

It took me a solid five minutes (and a sudden appearance of Changkyun) to come to my senses and go back to my actual area of supervision. What I thought about during these five minutes I don't know anymore. I don't know anything but the fact that Minhyuk had once again taken another step towards me I didn't think I was ready for. It was scary. Letting him rest in the crook of my neck was one thing but him doing things on his own had me panic, feel helpless, be confused. Because I didn't push him away. Did I want to? Did I have to? Were all these questions just superfluously circulating in my head? There was no answer.

I ate lunch in silence, surrounded by the others, then went to the training center without even seeing a damn glimpse of white hair once. I was frustrated yet again. Did I want him there or was it better for him to stay away? Did keeping him at distance even help? The more happened – the more I allowed him – the more I didn't want him to disappear.

I walked up to Jooheon shortly before our training started and asked him whether he had seen Minhyuk since that morning but he just shrugged. “No but didn't they, like, head somewhere else today? Maybe they went further away than they thought and it just takes a while longer. Why, you need to talk to him?”

_I do, but I can't and won't._ My hand came up to scratch the skin right where the snowflake's touch was still lingering, reminding me of how much I actually allowed him to do. How much he shook me up. “Y-yeah, sure, you might be right. No, I was just...curious”, I stammered before clearing my throat and excusing myself for practice. 

 

Minhyuk didn't show up. Training started and ended again without him and it was then that I got extremely worried. Yes, I was worried.

That's why, after pacing around the shower room for far too long, I walked to our superior, asking him about Minhyuk's division. “We don't know much either”, he admitted while flipping through the sheets of paper on his desk. “The last signal we got was about ten kilometers away from here, two hours ago, then we heard something about them having found something to further investigate and then...yeah, this is where we are now.”

Dread filled my gut and I swallowed heavily. “I want to go there, something's not right.”

“Hyungwon, you're a good fighter and everything but do you really think I would risk sending a single soldier into a pit of no information? We don't know anything, they might just have lost contact because the device broke down. There is no reason to panic.”

“Weird because I _do_ panic right now!”, I replied with my voice slightly raised only to shrink under the narrowed eyes of my superior. “I'm sorry, I was not in the place to talk like that.”

“You'd better stay back and wait”, he simply muttered with his face cold. It's not that he didn't like me, I had just talked to him as though I was of a rank at least as high as his and that was not true. Here, I was a foot soldier, not the A rank spy from China. So I clenched my teeth, buried my fists in my pockets and turned around.

And then I waited.

Hours passed while I was tossing and turning in bed, sitting down at my desk, looking out of the window, going back to bed, repeating. The other guys would drop by to ask about Minhyuk as well, concern more and more evident on their faces but what information could I give them? I didn't know anything either. I didn't know a damn thing.

I had to know whether he was alright. I had to be sure of his safety. The more time ticked by the more it ticked me off. “What did they think when they sent him to a new border, they knew it was dangerous.” Of course I knew that someone  _had_ to do it anyway and of course I knew that blaming anyone was of no use right now but you always do this kind of things when either bored or worried. I let myself fall onto my chair with a groan and buried my head in my arms on the table. 

I missed him.

I missed that smiling idiot who had no respect left for snow. Him who was loud and incredibly nosy while constantly hanging around me without missing a beat. I missed him who always listened whenever I came out of my comfort zone. Him whose loud voice was pulling me back to reality every day, whose whole face would crinkle whenever he was laughing – and that was quite often.

Yes, I missed Lee Minhyuk. A lot, actually.  _Too much_ . I looked at the book beneath my arms, reading the lines and adding one or two more with my lower lip tugged between my teeth.  _You like him too much._ But hell, who would even judge me now if I did?

 

I opened my eyes before the sun could rise again, it was three in the morning to be exact. Everything around me was still plunged into complete darkness and I ran a hand through my hair while closing the book I had left open on my desk. “I must have fallen asleep”, I mumbled just when my ears picked up on the constant thumping of feet against the ground. And it was getting closer.

I put the book away in a hurry and was about to open the door when it did so on its own, well, more or less. “Changkyun?”

“Mi-” He was panting and shuffled over to my bed to flop down a second later while catching for breath. “Just now-” He pressed his hand against his ribcage. “I-”

“Changkyun, if you don't talk I can't understand you, you know?” Did that kid have no stamina?

“Min...hyuk”, he finally managed to sigh between two breaths and my whole body went into alarm mode.

“Where is he, did you get new info? How is he, is he alright? You can catch for breath when you're dead, answer me.”

“You think that's funny?”, he scowled, turning his head with his chest rising and falling quickly. “I saw him just a couple minutes ago. He was headed towards the infirmary. Should be there by n- Hyungwon? Hey, wait, I didn't say-” I didn't care what _he didn't say_ , I only needed to know that one thing. Infirmary. Was he hurt? How bad was it? He'd survive, right? “He's alright!”, I heard Changkyun's voice that was already far away to me who had run out of the room the moment I knew about the location but at least it had me slow down. _He's alright_. _Calm your shit._

I didn't want that though. Well, even if I wanted to, my mind was forcibly shut off by my body. I was still dashing forward, striding through rooms, down stairs and towards the infirmary. Walking, jogging, running. I couldn't bear just dealing with it as though I hadn't worried like hell. He had to know. He had to know it all. Every fucking detail.  _I'll show him_ . 

I rounded the last corner and my eyes focused on that one point lit up by the neon lights right away. White hair. Sugar. Snow. Light. The one thing I would never overlook in a crowd. The one person whose safety I genuinely cared about from the bottom of my heart.

He had just finished talking to some other guy and turned around only to halt at the sight of me. Of me breathing heavily and stopping to stare at him for a good five seconds. His mouth turned into a rather careful and guarded smile, a cheap imitation of the usual blindingly bright action. I could see he didn't know how to evaluate the situation. He opened his mouth, I could almost hear him breathe in, but I picked up pace to get to him. Get to him. Get to him.

“Hey, Hyungwon, you know what, today we- eugh” I grabbed him by his collar with eyes cold as ice and he stopped talking right away. His surprised expression had me shake my head. “What's-”

“Don't you ever dare making me worry like that again.”

Then, I pulled him closer by his collar, pressing my lips against his as the result of a far too hasty and rash decision.

It might have been a mistake but I didn't care. I had kissed Lee Minhyuk a second time. And that was all it took to wipe my mind blank.

 

________________

 

How would you react if the impossible happened to you not once but twice?

I can tell you you wouldn't be able to do a thing. It just swallows you whole and spins you around so that you don't know what is even going on anymore. If you can imagine that, you're already pretty close to reality. But I still can't believe Hyungwon kissing me with _no_ excuse would be something to actually happen.

_Don't you ever dare making me worry like that again._

He had been worried? Why? I tried to think about it but his fingers curling around my collar, his lips on mine, I just couldn't think straight. It wasn't until a couple of very quick heartbeats later that I remembered we weren't alone, oh no. We were in front of the damn infirmary with a handful of other soldiers who had accompanied me throughout the day behind us and embarrassment burned under my skin as I pushed myself away from Hyungwon, though slowly and softly. It was more than just me I was worried about.

“You will trigger a panic attack”, I whispered with my eyes lowered to the ground. I couldn't look him in the eye after I had seriously stopped what I had wished for before. I was regretting it while at the same time knowing that it was right. I couldn't keep wishing for things that would make him hurt and-

“To hell with that.”

It was weird when he uncurled his fingers from my collar only to wrap his arms around me and pull me closer a moment later. He was trembling. He was breathing heavily. He was digging his fingers into my back. He wasn't fine. But he had chosen for himself that this wasn't important for some reason. He had decided that it was alright.  _To hell with that._ I brought my hands up to his waist without really being able to control it and swallowed heavily. “Why?”

“You'd better have a good explanation for staying out for so long.” His trembling voice was rough, a little bit choked up maybe. “I thought you might be gone.”

I blinked in surprise as his hold on me tightened more and more. I didn't think he would be this shook about me staying out a little longer than usual. Especially since there hadn't been anything especially dangerous to my task.  _But he doesn't know that_ . I forced myself out of his arms and grabbed his hand to drag him along, away from the prying eyes and to our quarters where we could be alone. “I'll tell you what happened. Just don't say or do anything you might regret later again.”

“What would I regret?”

“I don't know what it is every time but you- I mean, it's not that- wait.” I narrowed my eyes at him and stopped to stare at his. “Are you high? Look at me, you're high, right?”

“What, no?”, he replied, looking a little bit offended when he stared right back at me with an interesting sincerity. Interesting as in it was really just sincerity. No panic. No fear. At least for one moment it was just him and his own decision. A sigh escaped his lips and suddenly it was me who got dragged along by him. “We've got stuff to talk about and you'll start by explaining where you've been.”

_First he kisses me and now he's all serious and possessive_ . What the hell was going on? I licked my lips but there was no bittersweet taste. It was all Hyungwon once again. Two kisses without him being high. One of them without him getting a panic attack. Call me delusional but I believed that he was getting better. For me? For himself? How? Why? 

Questions don't always need to be answered. He was getting better and he let me see it, hear it, feel it. This was fine. His fingers were cold around my wrist, cold as ice, but I couldn't help feeling warm, smiling to myself as we entered the building to our accommodations.

 

I explained everything to him, didn't dare leaving anything out due to his fiery gaze, and it wasn't until the very end that he changed his expression into a frown.

“Wait, let me repeat this once more”, Hyungwon mumbled while pinching the bridge of his nose, pacing around the room. “You're telling me there were signs of a spy, so you had to go after that and your clues brought you to an underground carpark. You found a hideout and waited around for that guy to come home and that is why you had to break off all contact?” I nodded from my seat on the bed and he let out a sigh. “It could have been dangerous!”

“What was I supposed to do, it was an order and I can't go against that, can I?”, I justified myself with a slight pout, not letting his anger get to me. He wasn't angry at me but the fact that he had worried without a proper reason and I could see that so I just sat through it in resignation, trying not to freak out because of the damn kiss. “And in the end it was true, we found them. Well, after they put up quite some fight, it was two spies actually. Great, isn't it?”

Hyungwon stopped and dropped his hand to look at me with disbelief on his face. “Yes. Yes, that's great.” He sat down next to me on the bed and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down, his anger subsiding slowly. “You're not hurt, right?” I shook my head. “Glad you're alright.”

There it was. That weird connotation to his voice that had me stop for a moment before I looked at him in uncertainty. “I told you not to say things you might regret later on.”

“I told you there's nothing to regret”, he whispered back when his eyes found mine again, their darkness causing me to press my lips together. “I had...had a lot of time to think about things. Felt stuff I didn't know I would allow myself to feel again.”

“You must be hurting from the memories I forced you to revive from time to time”, I uttered through slightly clenched teeth. I didn't know what he was thinking but him having to fend off nightmares every night was not exactly what I wanted for him. The imagination of that was already unbearable. I stood up and walked to the door. “I'm sorry for letting things get out of hand like this.”

I opened the door but before I could get out a slender hand pushed it shut again and I was spun around within the blink of an eye, back pressed against the wooden door while Hyungwon's face was right in front of mine. “That's not what I wanted to hear.”

I swallowed hard, trying to control my voice but how could I when his was this deep and dark? “There was something you wanted to hear?”, I whimpered and he closed his eyes, hand still resting against the door next to my head.

“What I'm trying to say is that I want to be close to you. Closer than...than you might...” His voice cracked. He grew anxious, his memories were suddenly kicking in and I knew he had reached that point of vulnerability he always tried to hide so bad. “Are you listening to what I'm saying?”, he asked with some sort of bitter undertone, “Do you actually hear it?”

“I-” No other words came out for a moment but then I regained my composure again and brought my hands up to push him away. “I can hear it but I don't know why you'd hurt yourself like that. Don't lie-”

“I'm not lying!”, he shouted, slamming his free hand against the wall to the other side of my head as well and I flinched in shock. “Don't keep blaming yourself for me drowning in my own mistakes. Don't do it...Just don't.” He chewed on his lower lip when he saw the confusion in my eyes and looked at my hands that were resting on his shoulders in a half-hearted attempt to push him away. “I would like it if you...if we- shit, I just can't- Come on, try to meet me halfway here. I'm not high, I know what I'm doing so saying things is thrice as hard, can't you just _figure_?”

He took a few steps back, avoiding all eye contact by turning towards the bed and desk on the opposite side of the room. I was left to stare at his slender and tensed-up back, his clenched fists, his lowered head. He looked annoyed but also somewhat devastated. Not in the way he'd usually look when breaking down, no, a more confident type of annoyed. It is hard to describe, was he...mad?

_Can't you just figure?_ I had understood it from the moment he slammed the door shut again but my reaction was so slow, hell, I still didn't know how to deal with this. Was this really what he wanted? For himself? Could I step over the line I had drawn for myself? Would he be alright?

Seconds passed, seconds of silence and thoughts and unanswered questions. But I told you before, right? Questions don't always need to be answered, at least not directly. I reached out to him, fingers curling around the sides of his loose hoodie before I leaned my forehead against his neck, my nose slightly stroking over his skin. It was a déjà vu, everything about my relationship with Hyungwon seemed to happen twice for some reason. This time, I was thrown back to when he had gone to the radio tower raid. “Is this what you mean?”

He was taking deep and controlled breaths, I didn't even have to look to know he had his eyes closed and I swallowed in nervousness, breathing in as well. If he pushed me away now I would forever miss that scent. If he pushed me away now I would have to give up, maybe leave. If he pushed me away now I was confusing him too much or maybe it was the absence of drugs messing with his mind. If he pushed me away now-

He grabbed my hands with his shaking ones, removing them from his hoodie and I thought that was it.  _Too much. Too close. Too-_

“It is.”

He turned around, slowly but surely, and his eyes were focused on me in absolute concentration before he pulled me closer and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. “Exactly this.”

And for the first time I really, truly admitted to myself that it felt right. Not only good but the way it should be as well. I buried my face that was burning up in the crook of his neck and I could hear him take a sharp breath but his hold only tightened. Again, seconds passed during which I just savored the moment, absorbed every bit of it from Hyungwon's slender figure to his smell and the warmth of his neck and I don't know how long it really took until Hyungwon spoke up again. Seconds, minutes, I don't know.

But eventually, he let out a quiet sigh. “You're okay with this?”

“I should be the one asking you”, I replied with a whisper and pushed myself away a little to look at him. His eyes. There were little tears sparkling in them that had my stomach churn. “You're suffering again.”

“That's not it”, he said rubbing his sleeve across his eyes. “I just thought about many things at once. You know, letting you get this close, finally letting Yi-en go, maybe making Sangwon a bit happier. That kind of stuff. I just-” He trailed off and took another deep yet shaking breath that caused me to grab his hand and step closer again, face barely ten centimeters away from his when I managed to stop.

He looked at me, startled by the close proximity of my eyes staring back at his wide ones and again I took a moment to listen to his breathing before swallowing. “Can I kiss you?”

He stayed still for one more second. Two. Three. Six. Then he sighed. “What right do I have to say no?”

“Just a kiss”, I whispered as if to assure him I wouldn't do anything else, which was totally superfluous, and then, after a moment of consideration, I settled with a kiss on his cheek instead of his lips. I was afraid he wouldn't be ready for me doing any more and my choice proved to be the right one. His eyes closed and a relieved smile spread on his face. Finally I had gotten through to him.

I smiled as well and when I pulled away, we both looked at each other conveying so many things just through our eyes. “Hi”, I breathed and I could see him swallow as he tried to keep his composure. “I'm Lee Minhyuk.”

“Hey, Minhyuk. I'm...I'm Chae Hyungwon.”

“Chae Hyungwon the spy?”

He covered his mouth with one hand and shook his head, voice cracking slightly as tears started to fill his eyes again. “The resistance fighter.”

“Oh right, my mistake. Should have noticed from the start.” I squeezed his hand once more before letting go and burying mine in my pockets. “I like fighters more anyway.”

And then we kept standing there grinning at each other even though Hyungwon had tears streaming down his face.

 

________________

 

And again Minhyuk had changed everything. No matter what I thought would happen, he just threw it away and did everything his own way. But he would still be careful about how far he could go. What he could do without my consent. What would break me down. I couldn't thank him enough, it made the wish to hold on to him even stronger. I wouldn't let him go. I told myself that.

I was the first to turn away to get rid of the unnecessary tears I hadn't been able to stop but Minhyuk didn't say a word about them. They were tears of fear, of relief, of shock – everything at once. I had just done that! And Minhyuk had- he was- I mean, he seemed to understand!

For a moment it all seemed just the way I wanted it to be. No worries, no problems, no fear. Just the two of us.

After that outburst of emotions (and a couple hours of sleep) we went back to what we had been the day before, well, mostly. We would eat breakfast right next to each other and even though the other guys were sitting around the table, our fingers were intertwined underneath the tabletop, hidden from prying eyes. It was just little touches like these that were added to what we had been used to. Changkyun eyed me suspiciously from time to time though I couldn't blame him for that. I had run out like a mad man the night before after all, just because I had heard Minhyuk was back, but he didn't seem to want to voice his thoughts.

Good. Everything was good until we had to split up, my eyes glued to Minhyuk's white hair until it disappeared around the next corner. I would be fine. He would be fine. Everything was good.

 

But once I was alone, I started to think.

How would we continue from there? Would this whole thing work out? Would I only hurt him in the end? Would he hurt me? They were all valid doubts, especially with my past always crouching near me in the dark.

It didn't help that people started to talk.

_Did you see him? Yeah, that guy over there. Yesterday, a helper from the infirmary told me-_ What is so interesting about me at the infirmary, huh?

_Really?! Whom?...That white-haired?_

_You got it, that's him._ His name is Lee Minhyuk. Get your facts right before you gossip.

_I heard that guy was a spy, how does he trust him?_ Would I be here if I wasn't trustworthy? Minhyuk trusts me with his everything. I know his past. We know each other.

_Wow, that's really weird._ Is it?

_Wait, so you think they-_

_There's almost no girls here, maybe they are just confused and-_ “It is  _not_ confusion”, I growled to myself once I had put enough distance between myself and the others. “It is  _not_ confusion.” I pressed my fists against my eyes with a shaking sigh and slid down the nearest wall. “We're good. We're all good.”

 

It was strange to have Minhyuk join our lunch as though nothing had happened. Almost. He was smiling but it shifted slightly when he looked over at me, sitting down to my left. We didn't say anything though. Just the usual chatting, just the usual rants of Kihyun about his lazy group mates and the usual excitement of Jooheon about his gun knowledge.

I wasn't good during training, everything was just spinning around in my head and in the end I only got more frustrated. More glances were thrown our way but Minhyuk didn't seem to care or at least he didn't show it. Was I the only one annoyed by what people were saying?

After two hours of trying to improve my close combat skills I gave up and went to the locker room in devastation, soon leaving for my room.

Another hour later and a knock on my door startled me, Minhyuk opening the door with his hood pulled over his head and a grim expression as he stared at the ground. He walked in, shut the door and walked up to me who had stood up in the meantime. I chewed on the inside of my cheek and was about to say something when his arms came around my waist and he just pressed his face into my shoulder without a word. I swallowed, heartbeat speeding up in no time. “What-”

“You didn't wait for me to come and get you.”

“I- I didn't feel well-”

“You could have told me. What's wrong, you're never like this?”

“Minhyuk...” _Really? How does he trust him? That's weird...confused...just confused..._ I closed my eyes for a few seconds and took a deep breath. “Are you pitying me?” I could imagine his frown when he let out an irritated 'what' which had me push him away from me with my teeth clenched. “If that's it we should stop because it wouldn't help either of us.”

“Are you- are you serious right now?”, Minhyuk huffed with disbelief on his face. “After, what, one day? You're doubting everything I've done after just one day on the base of thinking I'm _pitying_ you?” His eyes showed me a hint of disappointment but he tried to hide it behind his shock, causing me to grab his wrist in a hurry.

“No, don't conceal it. Say whatever it is, let it out. Don't hold back because you're afraid of my reaction if this is it. No secrets.”

A staring contest of several long moments resulted in him narrowing his eyes, disappointment and hurt visible again. “No secrets”, he whispered only to clench his teeth a second later. “I'm not pitying you for fuck's sake, what makes you think that?”

“It's just that I've been hearing...things all day and-”

“Did the others talk?” I nodded. “About yesterday, I guess?” Nod. “And you believed whatever it was.”

“Well, it's just that-”

“Then believe _me_ when I say-” He cupped my face with his hands and pressed our foreheads together. “-that I'm not pitying you. Everything bad that happened to you was something that led you here to us, to _me_ , and I wouldn't want to exchange it for anything. Sorry if you wanted me to pity you but I'm not.”

I had goosebumps all over my body, hands cold and shaking in response to his sad gaze. “I just don't get why you would make such an effort for me. It doesn't make sense.”

“Hyungwon, I know it's hard for you, but this can only work out if you take risks. You've been disappointed many times but I'm not going to be the same. I know what you've been through and I know what I'm feeling, can't you just trust me in that matter? Think about how bad I want this to work out for a second. It's not just you mulling things over in your head, believe me. I'm taking risks too.” Minhyuk's hands slid down to link at the back of my neck, forehead still pressed against mine. “Do you want me to leave you alone because if that's what you want to, I can just try to-”

“No”, I groaned in frustration. “Everything, but don't leave. Please.”

“You can't take that back. Are you sure?”

“I am. Just stay.”

“...Then I'll stay”, he deadpanned with a gaze so intense I felt like I was melting. “There's no going back, I certainly won't leave from now on so you'd better not complain in the future. And don't doubt my sincerity because I'm not saying this for _fun_. I mean it. Make sure I don't regret this.”

His voice was a little choked up and I hesitantly curled my fingers around the fabric of his shirt's sides. He was afraid, too. He wanted to make this right, too. He tried to be considerate of me but had I ever considered his point of view? I hadn't. Never had I ever thought outside my own little box. That had to change.

“You won't regret it”, I whispered looking him in the eyes. I then leaned down to rest my head on his shoulder, hearing him swallow hard. “I don't want to regret anything either after all.”

“Sounds like a good start to me”, he mumbled in reply when his fingers started to play with a strand of my hair. “Now cheer up and don't listen to what others say about this anymore. We've got each other's backs, right? If we have that we don't need the rest.”

“What about Monsta X? What if they...”

“Do you really think they would say _any_ thing against it? Oh please, Hyungwon, we've been living with Wonho for years.”

A snort escaped my lips and the corners of my mouth raised just a little. “Wonho. Right, he's the worst.”

“Now now, don't talk of him like that, it's not like he's buying all of his fans, he can't do anything about being good-looking.”

“You always compliment him like that.”

Minhyuk must have heard the slight quiver in my voice because he stopped caressing my hair to hold me at arm's length with a raised eyebrow. “You'd know that it's better to support him if you had experienced one of the days he came home completely drunk. He's too insecure to be criticized, nobody but Jooheon has the heart to tell him he could do better. It's some kind of reflex to compliment him by now.”

“Looks like you have a soft spot for mentally problematic people”, I noted but Minhyuk just shrugged.

“Nobody is completely sane nowadays, confidence issues aren't all that extraordinary.” He intertwined his fingers with mine and smiled, carefully but sincerely. “You feeling better now?”

I took a few deep breaths and felt the warmth of his hand convey to my body accompanied by a certain calmness. “I do. I'm sorry for-”

“Don't be. No need.” He raised my hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss on the knuckles before dragging me towards the door. “Come on, it will be dinner time soon, let's eat.”

 

________________

 

“Sooo”, Shownu started after five minutes of deadly silence that felt like eternity, “are you going to talk about this?” He pointed at our hands that were demonstratively linked on the table instead of underneath and I cleared my throat.

“What do you want me to say?”

“I just want to be sure because we would only try to avoid it if we don't clear this up from the start”, he continued and I chewed on my lower lip to stop the smile from breaking out on my face.

“You should ask a little more precisely, what do you mean?”, I kept teasing only to fall silent when I felt Hyungwon's already sweaty hand tense up. He was so nervous, so insecure, so vulnerable.

“So, uhm-”

Jooheon cut the oldest off with a roll of his eyes, pointing his chopsticks at the two of us. “You two are a thing, aren't you?”

“Well, I-we, uhm, I mean-” Hyungwon started stuttering right away before the last syllable had even left Jooheon's lips and he looked like a kid caught eating a cookie it was previously told not to. He glanced at me in the search for help, which had me grin without being able to stop it.

“I guess that's enough. Ew, I'll totally hate you two from now on”, Jooheon huffed and Changkyun made a face while Kihyun just smiled warmly.

“Was about time.”

“I know, right?”, Shownu joined in and I looked over to Wonho who was visibly concerned about something, probably me.

He seemed to worry about the impact Hyungwon's gloomy personality might have on me but he didn't voice it and smiled instead, nodding across the table. “It really was about time”, he admitted before going back to eat while Hyungwon's knuckles were beginning to turn white from the way he crushed my hand.

Changkyun's mouth twisted when he thought of something. “So the two of you are gonna be all cute and fluffy from now on? I actually liked dark Hyungwon, you know?”

“Nah, he'll always be dark”, I waved him off as if Hyungwon wasn't sitting next to me but then turned to look at him knowing what to say. “I don't need him to change because of me.”

Everybody halted their activities only to be brought back to reality by Changkyun making gagging sounds and Wonho sighed deeply. “You're really willing to see this through, huh?”

“To the very end.” I could see Hyungwon lower his head, was he...? I glanced back at Wonho who just smirked with a nod, the two of us not needing words to understand what the other was thinking. Hyungwon was smiling with little tears forming in the corners of his eyes again and I couldn't believe he would show an emotion this strong in front of the others, it made me jealous. I wanted these expressions to be my secret but this situation seemed to be so emotional to him. Why, we had only told the others that- wait. Had he ever come out to anyone when he was with Yi-en? Did anybody know? Was that why he was so afraid, so insecure? Not just because I could leave him but that others would try to separate us as well if they didn't like it?

When I looked at Hyungwon again, he had regained his composure and ate in silence, loosening his hold on my hand a little. We had done it. We had overcome another critical point for him, maybe it would make him trust me more with us. We could do this.

 

That is how more and more time passed. Days, weeks, months.

We would fall asleep together, requesting a room change so that we wouldn't have to walk to the other's room every day. It was comforting to have Hyungwon around, to listen to the way his agitated breaths quieted down when he drifted off into sleep. His nightmares became less frequent until he could finally sleep through the whole night one day.

I know you're curious about our relationship but there's not much to say about that. Kisses were rare but happened from time to time – the most electrifying feeling I could ever imagine. I loved just talking to Hyungwon or reading one of the books he had found in the libraries of the cities we were staying at. After a few weeks, Hyungwon started opening up more, allowing me to stay closer to him, letting himself get carried away and forget about all the cruelty in his life for a while. And even just that made me adore him more. The other members of Monsta X called us out to cook something nice together every now and then, just the seven of us without this whole military stuff weighing us down. It was those times I enjoyed the most, they recharged my batteries to the fullest.

Hyungwon and I still got split up when it came to patrolling but no bigger events occurred anymore, not in our parts of the secured territory. Things were good. Better than good, actually.

Some would say too good and I should have known this was only the calm before the final storm. I should have read a warning sign somewhere: Be prepared. Pain is coming.

One day, Hyungwon met his past again.

And as if that wasn't enough, not much later, all of our stored Delphinium was used up.

 


	32. Fortune never actually liked cookies

We worked our way up again until we could say we were close to where the Clan had had its headquarters before. Hyungwon had told me that according to the map it would take only one day of walking to get to the entrance of our city, not even two hours by car. How much time had passed? Five months? Six? Should be something like that.

It was a day like every other when we were told to move again. Further north. Further west. Forward. My eyes widened when I heard the news in the morning, looking at Hyungwon in something like shock. We would be back. He closed his eyes and smiled.

“We're going home.”

After getting on one of the big vans, I intertwined my fingers with Hyungwon's, their grasp tightening automatically by now. It was like a baby's grasping reflex and I allowed myself to lean my head against his shoulder. People had long stopped talking, not even sparing us a second glance anymore. We had lasted for several months, they were beginning to realize this wasn't just comfort but more.

And that's why it wasn't the topic of us that caused my mood to drop throughout the car ride. Hyungwon noticed how my additions to the others' discussions became less frequent and he moved his shoulder to get my attention. “Hey. What's wrong?”, he whispered as to not interrupt the very important argument over who had the weirdest dream that night.

“Nothing.”

I didn't turn to look at him so he knew something was off anyway and he sighed. “Minhyuk. What is it, how can I help?”

“I told you it's-” I interrupted myself knowing it was pointless anyway. “I was wondering what it looks like now. How the others are; Seventeen and the lot. If they-” I shut my mouth, not wanting to say it out loud but Hyungwon seemed to get it nonetheless. _If they are still alive._

He leaned his head on mine with a sigh. “It's no use thinking about it. We'll go see it as soon as possible, so don't busy yourself with it too much.”

“What if I don't want to see it though?”

There was a slight tremor to my voice that had him tighten his hold on me. “Where did my optimistic fluffball go? I told you not to think about it.”

My heart would skip a beat whenever he said something like that, which wasn't often. _My_. His. All his. A smile appeared on my lips and I closed my eyes. “I'll sleep for a while.”

“Try to find your optimism there, will you?”

“Sure.” And that's when I was already drifting off into sleep. Sleeping in the car was one of my specialties.

 

________________

 

“You are only allowed to go until the marked border on this map. We're moving closer to the front so you shouldn't get carried away by walking through the whole city. We are securing the new territory but we'd better not get in the way of possible retreats”, the instructor barked like every time we moved to a new place, pointing at the border he was referring to. My eyes scanned the drawings of the streets until I was pretty sure I had found the one my former workplace was located in – and I wasn't pleased. The convenience store was outside the real safe area, in possible retreat territory. I wouldn't be able to go there.

Monsta X' house on the other hand was within reach, just within our allowed territory and I smiled at the others who realized shortly after me. Even after the instructor had allowed us to go prepare for patrol we remained standing in front of the big map until Shownu spoke up in something like disbelief.

“We're home, guys.”

“Took us long enough”, Jooheon muttered and everyone agreed with quiet mumbles.

“What are you staring at? Move!”, the instructor ordered and we shared another warm look before splitting up like we had done it for months. It didn't matter how long we had to wait to go to the exact spot. _We're home._

 

The end of our duty seemed to take forever to finally come. Except for Wonho and Kihyun there wasn't anyone who would get anywhere close to our house and I was itching to just pretend to be sick and run there. Why did I want to go there so bad? Simple: it's where all of this started. It's the place where Minhyuk and I had lived without thinking too much of it. But now it was different.

It was where I got to see Monsta X' different characters, where I saw what they hid from the world, where I had done drugs without any second thoughts, where I had broken down in front of Minhyuk. So much had happened there without me ever really noticing but now I wanted to see it. Try to imagine what all these things felt like again because I was too ignorant to accept it when it all happened.

We met up at lunch as always but neither of us even thought of getting themselves something to eat, only waiting for Wonho to arrive. He was later than usual and something didn't seem to be quite right but nobody said a thing. “Let's go”, Jooheon urged us with sparkling eyes but one glance at Wonho had me squint.

“Are you sure you don't want to eat? I'm hungry and-”

“You can eat when we get back”, Minhyuk interrupted with something like annoyance – he wanted to go so bad as well. Kihyun was the next to speak up, putting a hand on Wonho's arm and giving him a reassuring smile.

“It's all good. We just want to see what it looks like after all this time”, he said in a hushed voice that caused my mistrust to grow a little more.

Another glance to the side. A slight twitch of his mouth. Then, Wonho swallowed and smiled back. “Alright, let's go.”

The blond was strangely quiet, strangely _serious_ , during our walk to the house and the further we went the more I began to understand why – the houses were partly ruins. It was a mess. Some were pretty okay, others had lost half of their walls, big piles of stone and metal located near what once had been a safe home. I turned towards Wonho and opened my mouth but he just looked at me with a pained expression before averting his gaze to let it wander through the street instead.

It wasn't until five minutes later that Minhyuk's hold on my hand tightened (our palms were kind of glued together as soon as the other was within reach by now) and he finally saw it as well. But Minhyuk didn't keep quiet about it. “W-Wonho. Was this- I mean- Our house-”

“I don't know what it looks like, we didn't go there”, he replied softly as if to calm the white-haired down. “I just felt so sad seeing this mess already, so I thought you guys might not be able to deal with it. This...This is our home after all and...”

“We're going there”, Shownu insisted with a firm voice and a little bit of despair. His wish was obvious and I could hear it loud and clear through his words. “I need to see it, whatever it looks like.” _I want to see what's left of my life since my uncle's home is already gone._

“It's not far away anyway”, I shrugged trying to look as neutral as possible and that's how we marched on.

Minhyuk's hand grew sweaty in mine, his pace quickening until he let go to start running, Shownu following close behind. They couldn't wait to see what it looked like now, running ahead as we kept walking at a steady pace. I watched with my lips pressed together as Minhyuk's white hair disappeared around the next dusty corner before turning towards Wonho, voice merely a whisper. “What about the location of that...that girl?”

His eyebrows shot upwards in surprise upon hearing the concern in my voice. “You're thinking of that?”

“Just because it's got to do with you doesn't mean I turn a blind eye on enslaving women let alone a girl”, I shot back and he opened and closed his mouth several times before frowning.

“Wait, because it's got to do with me, what do you-”

“You're the one I'm the most cautious around in case you never noticed, mister spy.”

He shushed me in a hurry, threatening to hit me more or less jokingly before glancing around to make sure the others didn't hear. “I noticed. But-”

“You're changing the topic, where is the house?”

“It's outside our borders. Not too much but it also takes pretty long from here, I just...I need to wait more”, he uttered in frustration, motioning towards the surroundings, “and seeing all this makes me lose all hope for her to be fine.”

“Don't be so pessimistic, she might as well be safe and sound.”

Before Wonho could say any more discouraging things we had already rounded the corner Minhyuk and Shownu had disappeared at before, our house coming into view.

Our home.

It had definitely seen better days. Some of the upper floor windows were broken, one of the walls had taken damage from whatever had blown away the houses on the other side of the street, but it was mostly okay. It was standing strong amongst the other slightly damaged houses. The door was wide open, neither Minhyuk nor Shownu anywhere in sight, so I assumed they had gone inside, following hesitantly.

I went for the garden first to find Shownu stare at the small patch of grass. No plastic. There was a slight difference in the color of the ground the tent had been shielding from wind and weather before and the little stones were still forming a circle but other than that nobody would ever have expected that this was the place. The place drugs were cooked and shared at. Where stories were exchanged and sorrows voiced. A place of so many memories.

“Where's the tent?”, I asked quietly but Shownu didn't say anything. He just pointed at the nearest tree, a big plane of plastic wrapped around the stem in a failed attempt of flying off into freedom. “At least it's still there, I guess?”, I tried again only to have our leader shake his head.

“But of what use is it even? It doesn't matter anymore, Hyungwon.” He took a deep breath only to sigh a moment later. “I don't know what I expected. I just...”

His voice trailed off and I didn't have any words to soothe his pain but it was exactly at that moment that Jooheon and Changkyun broke out into the garden with wide eyes. I left it to them. I couldn't cheer him up, didn't know how to talk to him. Walking back into the house I saw Wonho standing in the living room; uncertain and somewhat lost. Kihyun wasn't any different, limping through the messy kitchen with uncertainty in his eyes.

But where was Minhyuk? I directed my gaze towards the stairs and swallowed, taking each of the steps with more caution. Who knows how robust they were after being through so much fighting, after all? Of course I found him in his room. He was just standing there, staring out of the broken window with his back turned towards me as I walked up to him, slowly wrapping my arms around his waist from behind. He didn't react apart from leaning his head back against my shoulder and I could see that his eyes were half closed, listless maybe, lips parted just a little bit. Those lips I wished I could kiss more often without being maneuvered into a panic attack. Tomorrow would be drug day anyway, maybe I could just- _Focus, Hyungwon._

“It's dangerous up here, what if the ground didn't support your weight?”, I mumbled to give him a chance of not having to talk about it but he didn't take it.

“I'm not sad that it looks like this”, he stated and I swallowed when he made himself comfortable in the crook of my neck. “It's just...so much? Like, so many things have happened here.”

“I know what you mean.” I let go of his waist to take his hand and stuff it into my hoodie's pocket for comfort. “It's strange but nothing else, I guess.”

“Grant me a wish”, he said then, turning towards me while chewing on his bottom lip. He looked kind of embarrassed and I squinted, cocking my head to the side.

“Anything.”

“Let me kiss you. Just this once. Right here in this room.”

I couldn't help it. A quiet disbelieving laugh bubbled up in my chest and caused me to end up snorting like a horse as I doubled over. Looks like we had really become more alike over the time we spent together. The waves of chuckles wouldn't subside and I clenched my teeth to stop them at some point, glancing up at a confused and kind of uncertain Minhyuk. His eyes said it all: _Wow, I broke him. Great._

The exact wording of his request was what was the most important. _Let_ me _kiss you._ He had been patient, so patient for months, never initiating anything more than holding hands. He left it up to me to get closer. It must have been tough on him but he kept his distance for my sake, I knew it. A queasy feeling filled my stomach but I swallowed it all to regain my composure. He deserved it. He was worth it. He wouldn't hurt me. And then it hit me.

So what if he did?

“Go for it.”

I stood straight, looked down at his widening eyes with a fond smile playing around the corners of my lips. That disbelief as he was weighing my words, turning them around over and over again. “Are you-”

“Sure?” I nodded and could see him swallow before he carefully cupped my face with both of his hands, staring at me for another five seconds. Then he didn't lose any more time and I even dared closing my eyes when our lips finally connected.

A sweet kiss, chaste and simple, as though he was trying to be careful, as though I might break if he did any more. So I was the one to deepen the kiss. To hold onto his sides and pull him closer with shaking hands. Our lips moved together, strangely in sync. Anything to make this last longer. Anything to keep him by my side. Minhyuk's hands moved to the back of my head, fingers weaving through dark strands of hair but then, he let out a weirdly frustrated groan right before breaking our contact in a hurry.

I opened my eyes but he had already buried himself in the crook of my neck. _Don't stop_ , I wanted to say but my breath was shaking too much for me to be able to make any sound with it. _What was that_ , I wanted to ask but couldn't for the same reason as before.

Minhyuk swallowed audibly, arms now wrapped around my shoulders, nails digging into my skin. I didn't mind. “I didn't think you would-” He swallowed once more, looking up at me. “Was that...okay?”

What kind of a question was that? I suppressed the urge to snort and settled with a shrug, raising one of my brows. “Not sure. It was so short.” My voice betrayed my fear but I couldn't care any less. “Let's do it once more.”

And I grabbed his chin to make sure he didn't move, pressing my lips against his again. And again. And again. Until it wasn't just me shaking and we were both panting quietly enough so that only we would know, foreheads resting against one another. This was it. This was what I wanted. I had missed this feeling of just somewhat...belonging somewhere.

It's strange to say it but at that moment I knew it. My home was with Minhyuk and Minhyuk only.

“Min? Hyungwon? You upstairs?”, Jooheon's voice could be heard from downstairs and I took a deep breath. _Well, and there's the kids._

We smiled at each other, carefully but sincerely, and Minhyuk rubbed his sleeve across his eyes. Had he been crying? “Yeah, be right back down!”, he shouted, eyes glistening when he looked back at me mouthing a quiet _thank you_ but I only shook my head.

“Don't thank me for that. You shouldn't have to. It's okay.” I hid my trembling hands in my pocket and forced myself to breathe normally so he wouldn't notice how done I was. Because it was okay. I just had to understand it myself first. Minhyuk brought his hand up to my head once more, running his fingertips over my skin with a fond smile before taking a deep breath and walking to the entrance where the others were waiting for us.

I looked past the shattered glass of the window and took in the broken houses, the smashed walls. Everything I had known was broken and looked completely different now but it didn't make me sad. I was broken and pieced together again as well. It was okay to break. Somebody would help you get up again. Just like we would rebuild these houses, Minhyuk had rebuilt me. This was life. I remembered Wonho's words from a long time ago.

_If you keep living in the past with an unbroken mirror how will you ever experience the multifacetedness of a broken one?_

Broken mirrors are so much more scary yet so much more beautiful than unbroken ones. The tremor of my hands subsided and I followed my rescuer out of the room and down the stairs.

 

Minhyuk had almost gotten a heart attack upon seeing the collapsed subway station. The ceiling had crashed down onto the rails, making it impossible to walk through the tunnels. While the other guys were already on their way back to our base we had decided to walk around for a little longer, wanting to know what had become of Seventeen. _Well, they most definitely aren't chatting in their subway station_ , I thought as Minhyuk's eyes started to shake in horror. “Th-the others-”

“Don't seem to be here.”

“No, what if they died, Hyungwon? What if they were...if th-they were b-buried under-”

“Shh, it's alright. Let me check. Wait here”, I mumbled quietly, rubbing soothing circles on his back for a little longer before I took a few steps down the stairs, climbing over the bigger ruins blocking my way.

“Be careful”, I heard Minhyuk's faint whisper but I didn't let myself be distracted by anything. I kicked everything once to make sure it was stable before stepping on it, nothing ever really moved except for a bit of gravel.

Finally, I could peek down, see the floor of the station. “It's empty.”

“E-empty?”

“There are none of their belongings anywhere in sight”, I clarified myself, rounding another big block of stone. “No blankets, no books or anything else.” _No bodies, no blood._ This was good. I straightened myself and looked back at Minhyuk, slowly starting my journey back towards him. “They aren't here.”

“Are you sure-”

“The smell would be very different if I were mistaken, Minhyuk”, I sighed, drawing myself up to a higher rock. “We just need to find out where they went off to, maybe they know more at the base, maybe not. But they most definitely didn't die here.”

“They didn't die here”, Minhyuk repeated with shaking eyes, nodding as if to assure himself of that fact a couple more times in his head. “Okay. I...We can ask there, we should go back anyway. W-we're pretty much at the border, right?” I swallowed seeing him so out of it, so scared. He didn't usually let me see this, all his fear and worry, so I knew it had to be tough on him. I put a hand on his head and pressed a short kiss on his temple, running my fingers through his soft hair. _Don't worry. It's gonna be fine._

“Right. Let's go back.”

Turns out I was right. The army had heard about the guys from Seventeen, at least the names were listed somewhere. We were told that they had been brought to another facility to be trained a couple months ago but other than that they hadn't heard about any more details since then. They seemed to be fine though, Minhyuk's shoulders relaxing slowly but surely.

It was late at night in our room when I plucked up my courage and stood up, walking from my desk to Minhyuk who was letting his feet dangle over the edge of his bed – the top bunk, because bunk beds were all we had seen for months. “Minhyuk”, I mumbled poking his ankle and he turned over, being exactly on eye level with me. “Can you promise me that you'll do exactly what I tell you to now?”

He furrowed his brows, stroking his messy hair out of his face as he sat up. “I guess-”

“No, you need to promise me in all seriousness.”

“Fine. I promise. What's wrong?”

He cocked his head to the side and I swallowed my last doubts, playing with the book in my hands before raising it for him to see. “This book.” He nodded as if to indicate he was following. “I want you to hold on to it. To always have it with you, you got that?”

I gestured for him to take it and he carefully wrapped his long fingers around the cover, a troubled expression on his face. “Why does this sound like a good bye?”

“It's not”, I was quick to assure him, resting one hand on his knee while the other reached out to comb through his hair. “I swear it's not, I didn't say it all yet. I want you to hold on to it but don't read it. Just...keep it safe. Think of it as a second me. Protect it like it was me. Can you do that?”

Minhyuk struggled for words, expression going from troubled to confused to clueless. “Sure. Keep it safe. Don't read it. But...why can't I?”

_Because it contains all I'm still trying to tell you in person._ “I can't tell you. I know, we decided on not having any secrets between us but I promise it's better if you don't read it.”  _Because it would be cowardly of me to write instead of talk to you._ “Trust me in this matter. Trust me, please. I just want to know that it is safe at all times.”

“I promise to do as you said”, he replied quietly, eyes glued to the small book with his teeth clenched. “But you promise _me_ there's no serious reason for you to give me this. You really won't leave, right?”

“No, I told you, no, I won't”, I assured him, whispering the words over and over again. _I won't leave, I'll stay with you. I won't ever leave, we promised before, didn't we?_ I repeated them until he started smiling again, pressing a fleeting kiss on the book's cover.

“Alright. I'll treasure it until you tell me otherwise.”

And then I stood on tiptoe to give him a kiss on the cheek with a smile. “Thank you.”

 

We went back to our usual routines, going out to have a look at the old house every second or third day. It just seemed so unreal that this was what it had become. This had been our home. The one place where each and every single one of us had shown their weaknesses – including me. And now it was just a pile of memories, stuck in the past when we were moving forward. But it was only half as sad as it sounded. Because change is good as well. Change isn't anything bad and I finally know that now.

I could see Minhyuk carry around the book at all times. In his hoodie's pocket, in his army bag, his uniform's front pocket. He always had it with him, always made sure it was safe and it caused me to smile whenever I saw it. He was just too sweet, listening so well. Of course I was worried he'd read it someday, unable to withstand the curiosity anymore, but if he did, he never said anything about it – and I'm sure he would have said something. I know why it took me so long to finally give it to him.

 _Just in case something happens_ , I always told myself when I saw the little book. _Just in case._

 

Our second week back in town, Thursday, on our way to the house. I felt less and less attached to the place and instead more attached to the people involved with it. Monsta X grew to be something close to brothers. All different kinds of brothers. Kihyun, the nagging one, Shownu, the calm and composed, Jooheon, the hotheaded, Changkyun, the innocent yet incredibly intelligent. And Wonho, the horrible flirt who would sometimes get on my nerves without me being able to blame him. He was just worrying so much and it made me begin to grow fond of him as well. A weird and twisted form of fondness.

We walked in comfortable silence, splitting up and meeting up again with no special goals in mind, when we heard a walkie talkie crackle to life. I glanced at Minhyuk. Shownu was carrying our group's device and we spun around quickly to go after the sound, the static making it impossible for us to get the words from afar. There he was, staring at the small tool in his hand and swallowing hard before raising his head and voice. “Monsta X, gather!”

His voice made it easier for the rest to find him and we were all standing in a circle in the middle of a deserted crossroad within seconds just when the call was repeated.

“To all units. There has been an attack from the Chinese army, they've broken through one of our barriers. This is not a drill. We do not know how many got in, I repeat, we do not know how many got in nor how long they've been on our territory. Allowance to shoot at sight if deemed necessary granted. All securing forces are ordered back to the base to wait for further instructions.”

We looked at each other in shock as well as a little bit of panic. “Let's go”, Shownu said through clenched teeth and we started walking immediately, not daring to run and leave Kihyun behind. It was still a quick walk, fifteen minutes at most, until we reached the entrance to our assigned base.

“Hyungwon!” I started at the panic and the horror audible in Minhyuk's voice, spinning around to find out what the reason for it was. But I didn't see anything, confusion building up as he grabbed my arm, holding on too tightly. “Where did Wonho go?”

“He was with us the last time I checked, what do you-” I let my gaze wander, squinting to try to make out the blond hair from the crowd that was forming at the entrance. Black. Black and brown. No Wonho in sight.

“He must have gotten lost or...or gone somewhere else, but why would he? We were with him, where would he have to go?”, Minhyuk asked, voice cracking and teeth clattering. He was a mess.

I tried to keep calm – me freaking out wasn't exactly the best way to assure him everything would be fine. Wonho. Why would Wonho leave Monsta X, leave Minhyuk and Kihyun and all the others? What did he have that- “The girl”, I breathed with my eyes widening, trying to recall the position of the arsenal I had been to while looking at the big map hanging on the wall of the big entrance hall.

“W-what did you say?”

“He's worried about that girl”, I mumbled while scanning the parts that weren't within our allowed ranges. Was it there? There, by the big crossroad?

“The girl, what g- shit, yes. We need to go find him.” He covered his mouth with his hands and I grabbed his shoulders to make him look at me.

“Look, the brothel isn't within our range. He's running out into the restricted area and we can't do anything because we're just the securing squad.”

“But we need to get him back!”, Minhyuk shouted, finally grabbing the attention of the others as well, Changkyun catching on first. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to think. There was nothing we could do as things were now, we weren't allowed to cross the border, so- wait.

“I'll ask to be put in the offensive team.”

The discussion the others had started froze to a halt and Minhyuk blinked. “What?”

“I'll become part of the offense”, I repeated myself. “The agreement keeping us in the securing forces is only active until we decide to go to the front ourselves. Then I can cross the border and bring him back to-”

“This is no time to be playing the tragic hero, Hyungwon”, Kihyun interrupted me with annoyance visible on his face but I wasn't the only one to think like that, Changkyun coming to my rescue.

“No, he's right.”

“What choice do we have?”, Jooheon chimed in. “If we want Wonho back, it's either he does so on his own or one of us goes to get him. Where did he even go?” _Right. They don't know anything._

Minhyuk's lip was trembling and he licked it in nervousness. “He was worried for an old friend of his. Went to see them rather often but never told me their name.”

I cocked my head to the side but didn't question anything. If Minhyuk didn't tell them I wouldn't either. The others didn't question anything, just nodded to themselves while Minhyuk grabbed my shirt with anxious eyes. “You promised me you wouldn't leave.”

I swallowed, taking his hand into mine. “And I won't. Leaving means not coming back but I will, okay?”

“Come again? You think I'd believe you that because you said that people won't shoot you? _Oh, he said he'd come back to his boyfriend so we shouldn't kill him_. Do you think that works?” _Boyfriend._ It was...it was a first that had my breath halt. We had never said it out loud and the first time had to be while we were fighting. This wasn't how I wanted things to be.

“Minhyuk, I know how much Wonho means to you, so I just-”

“You are _both_ two of the most important people in my life, for fuck's sake!” He took several shaking breaths as if to calm down and snorted shortly after. “We'll go together.”

“What?”

“I said I'll join. The offense.”

“Do I need to repeat myself, we can't use any heroic sacrifices here”, Kihyun interrupted again, threatening us with his crutches. “This is ridiculous.”

“But the only way”, Changkyun replied with his voice even deeper than usual, eyes lowered to the ground. “Kihyun, you stay behind for us. You know the most about medical treatments and everything, Jooheon and Shownu, both stay with him. If anything happens he needs competent fighters for close and ranged attacks. Minhyuk, Hyungwon and I will go to the instructor and ask to be put on the offensive forces' list. We can ask to be put in a group close to where Wonho should be. You know the way, Hyungwon?”

“I-I guess?”

“As long as we get past the border with permission nothing will happen to us. We can go, get Wonho, then retreat to the back of whatever fights might have occurred then. It's not as dangerous as one might think and-”

“How dare you make a plan?”, Kihyun hissed, worry and anger visible on his face. He was scared for us.

“Kihyun, I know my shit and so should you.” It was the first time I heard our youngest talk back to the older in all seriousness and the aura he was emitting caused goosebumps to form all over my skin. “I will _not_ let Wonho run around in a place that is not safe, for no reason whatsoever. Will you?”

Kihyun closed his eyes, brows furrowing as he let out a sound of frustration. “I hate that your plans are always the safest even though they're still pure madness. I really hate you, Kyun.”

“I know and I'm sorry.” He turned towards us with a determined nod. “Let's go.”

So we went.

A good twenty minutes later, we were already putting on our white uniforms again, stepping out into the dull and cloud-covered day, Minhyuk's hand holding mine as if his life depended on it. We weren't assigned the same groups, Changkyun and Minhyuk ending up in another one that was working almost next to mine. It was alright, we were still within each other's reach if something happened. I took another deep breath and looked at Minhyuk. “You don't have to do this if you're too scared. It's okay.”

“You know, Hyungwon, sometimes I think you don't get just how much I need you.” My eyes widened at his firm voice and he pressed his lips together for a couple of seconds, chewing on the inside of his cheek. “If you're going, I'm going. If this is where your path ends, so does mine. We go the same way. No matter what that means, got it? I told you you won't get rid of me. And I'm not that weak anymore.”

I averted my gaze because the intensity of his was too much for me to handle and was promptly met with that of Changkyun. He was smiling fondly, hands buried in his pockets. “I may not be your lover but I can tell you that I won't ever let you do anything on your own either. We're a family. Same path, same fate. We're all in, no matter what.”

I swallowed hard, suppressing the feeling of overwhelming sadness as much as possible. _We're a family_. I gave Minhyuk a quick peck on the lips, not daring to let it last longer than a heartbeat. “You've got the book?”

“Always. As promised.”

I nodded and let go of his hand, feeling a little cold before patting Changkyun's back with a warm smile.

“All in, no matter what.”

 

Being part of the offense was only half as dangerous as it sounded. It's not like they knew how many Chinese soldiers had broken through until they noticed the hole in their defense – how did that hole even occur in the first place? I got on the van for my group, Minhyuk and Changkyun following in another vehicle shortly behind, and we drove towards our assigned area. The closest we could be to where the brothel was located, not even ten minutes away.

I looked at the gun in my lap for a while, then our short ride was already over and we were ushered out of the van. I had no experience in this field, it was my first time being an obvious fighter at the front. I preferred staying hidden until I could attack but it wasn't possible here with my white uniform shining between ruins and dust. I took a look around before turning towards another soldier. “Where's group seven's van?”

“They stopped a couple streets earlier, they'll cover the area we already passed by while we go for everything lying beyond this crossroad.” He cocked his head to the side with a frown. “Your first time in the field?”

I swallowed and managed to form a slight smile. “You could say that, yes. Anything I need to look out for?”

“Wow, you're a complete newbie, aren't you?”, the guy snorted in disbelief and my forced smile turned into an amused one. “You just go there, take your earpiece with you. If you find anything or anybody, report. Civilians are to be brought to the van. Shoot if it's a Chinese. You know what their uniforms look like, right?”

Oh, he had no idea. “Yeah, I do. Thanks!”, I grinned, putting said earpiece in and walking into the direction he had pointed out. Luckily, it was exactly where I had wanted to go anyway. Just one street further and I'd be at the brothel. I could hear the guy mutter a quiet 'look at him smiling as he goes' and looked back, searching the street for other cars but there only was that of my group in sight.

 _I'll go ahead, Minhyuk_ , I sent a silent message as I kept going. He must have been scared, but I trusted Changkyun that he'd make sure Minhyuk stayed sane. It wasn't all that probable that there was a person from China over here but you could never be careful enough so I decided to hurry. _If Wonho isn't here now I'm going to kill him once I see him again._

A few minutes of walking and my earpiece crackled to life with the first reports. Everything was clean, nobody found any other person and I sent my 'all clear' into the bunch just before I lay eye upon the big old house. It was fine. There was no extreme damage in this area anyway so it wasn't a big surprise but literally everything down to the last window was completely fine. I took another look around before breathing in, holding my breath for longer than necessary and then going in.

It was dark. The smell was somewhat disgusting. The walls were of a red color, the wooden counter left without anyone standing behind it anymore. I let my hand stroke over the rough and dull material absentmindedly taking in the atmosphere. It was so quiet in that big house. My own steps echoed through the hallway, echoing on and on even after I had stopped for a moment. _Wait, that's not normal_. I listened more closely. Footsteps. Urgent and heavy followed by light and stumbling. My heart started beating when I paced up the dark stairs – all electricity must have been cut off.

First floor? No. Second floor? I halted again, hearing hushed voices. Bingo. I walked slowly, as slow and quiet as I could, until I was close to the door I had heard the voices in. “...not going to leave you here.” Definitely Wonho's voice. A woman talked back, her voice sounding rather mature. Was this the girl? It couldn't be.

“Everybody is long gone, I don't have anyone waiting for me. Just take her, I can't take care of her. If they find out what I've-”

I stepped on a squeaking deck board that had them stop right away followed by quick retreating steps but I hurried to clear my throat and raise my voice. “Wonho?”

“Wonho? Who is Won-”

“Shh”, Wonho interrupted the woman with a hiss and I pressed my lips together. So this was a brothel? Wow, the walls were thin. Made me wonder what it must have sounded like from the outside back when the general- _stop_. This was no time to be thinking about this. “Wonho, it's me, Hyungwon. You in there?”

Another short pause before the doorknob was turned and the door opened slowly to reveal a confused Wonho. “It's really you.”

“Surprised?”

“A-actually, yes.” He examined my white uniform. “How did you-”

“Not important.” I managed to smirk for a second before turning serious again. “I heard someone else, who's in there? I'm ordered to bring all civilians to the van so that they can be driven to the base without problems.” Wonho glanced into the room, finally opening the door completely and I stepped forward to meet gazes with a woman in her mid-twenties, her hair was dyed a bright orange color that fell over her shoulders like fire. “Hello, Miss...?”

“Kim.”

 _Wow. Harsh._ “Okay, pleasure. I'm Chae Hyungwon, a friend of Wo- Hoseok?”, I corrected myself with a questioning glance at Wonho who nodded just enough for me to notice. “Let's go to the van. I guarantee you'll be safe. Safer than here for sure.”

Wonho shot her another look, that cheesy smile on his face that probably worked on every woman alive. “Look, everything's gonna be fine. Let's go.”

Miss Kim just chewed on her bottom lip lowering her eyes to the ground. “But what-”

“Don't worry about a thing. Everybody will start anew once they're out of here. I promise.”

She nodded again and I resisted the urge to frown at the two of them. Judging by the way her eyes were shaking as soon as she looked at me she must have been scared. But I didn't mean any harm?

I didn't get to think about it enough at that moment as Wonho caught my attention by walking up to a corner I hadn't paid any attention to yet, too focused on the unknown woman. “Little princess, have you finished packing your stuff?”

It was only then that I saw the little girl crouching in the corner with huge eyes, a backpack pressed to her chest as she stared at me in fear. Everybody here seemed to be scared. Traumatized. _Same_. So it was her; the little girl. _Then who-_ I shook my head to stop thinking about the weird woman and crouched down with a friendly smile to reach out for the girl.

“Hi. I'm Hyungwon. You want to get out of here?” She glanced at Wonho who just blinked and she clawed at his shirt, hiding behind him as if he were her shield. Maybe he was. I nodded to myself in understanding. “I was the same four years ago. It's okay if you don't want to talk but let's get out of here. You've been waiting for Hoseok to come for such a long time, huh?”

She didn't give me any kind of reaction but her eyes had an interested glint to them that had me sigh in something like relief. She hadn't lost all of her childhood yet. She could get better. Someday. And she had Wonho, he would give his everything to make her heal again, so I didn't worry too much and made my way down the stairs. It was then that I noticed how the weird smell intensified when getting closer to the counter and I let my hand wander across the surface again, fingernails getting stuck on the rough texture. It looked as though the once even counter had gotten dirty. I scratched at it, took another breath and then finally registered what it was.

Dried blood. Dried blood and the smell of it. It wasn't as intense as that of a body but it was there, how come I hadn't noticed earlier? I looked at the crumbs in my hand in semi-concealed shock and the young lady that was just coming down the stairs stopped with her eyes widening, putting her hands behind her back as if she had something to hide. I glanced at the dried blood again but Wonho was quick to make an appearance, holding the hand of the girl and grabbing my shoulder with his free hand.

“You didn't see anything, okay? No matter what you're thinking, forget about it. I don't know anything in particular either.”

I clenched my hands into fists before burying them in my uniform's pockets with a shrug and a raised brow. “You know, nobody asks for the cause of a single death in war. It's dead or alive.”

“But for good measure you definitely don't know who did it, got it?”

Another look at the woman with shaking hands and anxious eyes had me snort. Why were these people so relatable? It hurt. “Don't know what you mean, I never saw anything? You coming or what?” I turned around and left the building with shivers running down my spine. “What's with...the other women?”

“All left long ago”, Wonho explained, heaving the little girl on his back when she had difficulties with keeping up with our fast pace. “But explain, how are you here? Disobeyed your orders?”

“Very funny. Other than you, I'm always sticking to the rules”, I snapped. “Because of you, Changkyun, Minhyuk and I-”

“Minhyuk? Changkyun? You mean they're all here? Where-”

“Like I said it's because of you, you damn blockhead!”, I shot back in slight annoyance as we walked towards the van and I took a short moment to tell my group I had found two civilians and one acquaintance that was part of the securing forces. We were told to meet at the van, so I just kept walking. “You'd better apologize once you see them, they are scared shitless because we're now part of the offense.”

“You did that for me? It's...It's dangerous”, Wonho mumbled, unable to meet my eyes and another sigh escaped my lips.

“My idea, Changkyun's powers of persuasion and Minhyuk's inability to let either of us be on their own without protection.” I glanced at him with resignation spreading in my body. “Everything's fine. We're a family, right?”

Wonho's eyes shot up, surprised yet again when he adjusted the position of the silent girl on his back. “F-family. Right, I...wow.”

A chuckle escaped my lips and that's where it ended, the four of us having reached the van already. A couple hundred meters further down the main road I could now make out another car, probably that of Minhyuk's and Changkyun's group, and I exhaled quietly before turning towards the group leader. “These are the civilians. The guy is part of the securing forces, please send him back to the base safely.”

“We'll wait for group seven to join us, they found a couple more people and we'll have to wait for another car to come get us while sending the civilians ahead.”

I nodded in understanding and nodded at Miss Kim and the girl. “You'll be safe soon.”

When group seven arrived, Minhyuk immediately ran into my arms, then moved on to give Wonho a halfhearted scolding. Changkyun exchanged a brofist with his blond friend, then ushered him into the van along with a bunch of teenagers they had found in their area. “They are partly kids from my orphanage”, he explained without me having to ask and I nodded in understanding. So he and Kihyun knew some of them.

“Who's going to stay behind, we need six people to stay here and wait for further instructions”, my group leader asked after consulting with the one from group seven. My stomach protested but I raised my hand without hesitation. There were civilians to be brought to a safe place, I couldn't be selfish here.

“I'll stay. It won't be long anyway.”

“Me too”, Changkyun said but I shook my head.

“You know the kids. It would be better if they had someone they know to ask if something comes up. Go and be the big bro for a while.”

He stared at me with his lips pressed together, then put a hand on my shoulder and pulled me forward, mumbling quietly. “I trust you with keeping Minhyuk safe. You've got each other's backs, right?”

“Of course”, I replied without hesitation and he let go of me, frown replaced by a neutral expression as he took a seat in the van and the doors closed. Then they were gone and I released the breath I didn't know I was holding. Wonho was safe and Changkyun was good as well. Now all I had to do was make sure Minhyuk and I got back safely, so I looked at the other four guys who had stayed behind. “What are we going to do?”

“Wait for an hour until the next van comes?”, one suggested with a shrug only to have another disagree.

“What if they find us here? If we stay at one place for too long as a group like this they might surround us.”

“You think _they_ are this many people? There's no one here, we've searched the area-”

“For what, half an hour? Guys, this can't be enough.”

I resisted the urge to grab Minhyuk's hand and crossed my arms instead. “He's got a point there.”

“Hyungwon-”

“We should wander around, at least a little. If anything happens we still have our earpieces, right?” I didn't pay attention to Minhyuk's startled expression for once, forcing myself to look at the other guys who agreed one after the other. So we decided to split up, scatter for half an hour before going back because the van should arrive not too long after.

Minhyuk grabbed my arm with a slightly cold expression. I knew he didn't like the idea of getting separated again. “I'll stay close to you.”

“You'd better”, I simply retorted, raising his hand that was cold from fear to my lips and pressing a quick kiss on the trembling fingertips. Then, we went our ways, Minhyuk entering a street parallel to mine.

The other four guys had said this was the direction they hadn't searched as thoroughly as they'd liked to because of lack of time so I moved slowly, looked at each and every building the walls of which had collapsed. Empty. Empty. Empty. It was like a ghost town.

I would sometimes hear Minhyuk's steps when a small alley connected our big streets to one another but other than that, it was just me, my shoes on the asphalt and the occasional and ironic tweet of a bird or two. I walked up and down the stairs of buildings, slowly to make sure it was safe, and on to the next one to repeat the procedure. Up, down, onward, for something like twenty minutes.

Until I heard steps again. They weren't Minhyuk's, the direction was wrong. The tempo was off. The sound of the shoes was different. It was more than one person. And still it sounded strangely familiar.

I pressed myself against the closest wall, hoping I hadn't been too loud, and the steps skidded to a halt in a hurry. Shit, so they knew I was there. A few seconds of silence. Then, a pair of feet moved away again. One remained in tense silence.

_Breathe in for five seconds, breathe out for five seconds. In, out, repeat._ I closed my eyes to concentrate on what my ears could pick up on since I was hidden behind a broken wall anyway. Slightly agitated breathing. Short rustling, then a plastic-like sound. Maybe a weapon, of what quality I couldn't tell. It was likely that these two people were exactly what we had been looking for. And one had left without coming back for a minute by now. If I was quick to move and blindside him maybe I could-

Steps. Steps coming from where the person had been standing. _No time to think._ I jumped out of my hiding spot in a hurry, cocking my gun and taking a deep breath to raise my voice, startle him in any way possible. “Don't move and drop the weapon!” I repeated my order in Chinese, when a black uniform including the dark helmet appeared in front of me, spinning around in a hurry and raising a small handgun. One like those I had 'borrowed' from the arsenal. My Chinese was brought back to life again and I squinted with a low growl. “Drop the weapon or I'll shoot-”

“Fu- Shit. Turtle?”

It felt like being hit just before falling into a tub of ice water. This couldn't be. How much of a coincidence did have to happen for me to accidentally run into him yet again?  _Fate must hate you_ . Oh yes. Fate obviously hated me. I stood frozen, gun aimed at the oh so familiar figure and eyes wide as he took off his helmet just like last time. Just like  _always_ . For fuck's sake, what did I do to deserve any of this?

“I'm not imagining things, am I? Turtle, it's me”, he repeated again, gun in one hand, helmet in the other. I couldn't look him in the eye, not yet, concentrating on the pendant dangling from his ear instead. I felt like I was underwater. Drowning. Screaming when all it did was kill me faster.

“Why are you here?”, I whispered into the silence, teeth clenched in an attempt to keep my composure as I lowered my gun just a little. I was doing great so far.

“I should ask you.” He took a step towards me and the gun was back in position, aiming at his head without giving it a second thought. He raised his hands, hurt in his voice. In _his_ fucking voice as though he had the _right_ to be hurt. “Why are you standing there aiming the gun at me? Why are you dressed as one of them? Ridiculous. Why did you disappear? And why the _fuck_ did you betray me? Betray _us_?”

“Betray _you_?! Are you kidding me?!” It was then that I finally looked at him, took in his features that had hardened over time, let my eyes wander over his hair that was no longer blond. A reddish tint had been added to it, making him look strange. This was not how I had remembered him. This was a stranger wearing a face of my past. A stranger bearing the same name. _The characters mean 'appropriate' and 'kindness'. See? I will forever give you the amount of kindness you need, which means for you I'll give my everything. It's written here, in my name. Ay, don't make that face, I know I'm cheesy. But you love it, admit it._

I loved it. Loved it so much. That damn name the characters of which I would remember forever. Yi-en. Yi-en Tuan. A nightmare that had started out as a dream. I licked my lips and took a deep breath. “I don't owe you any damn explanations.”

“You were one of us”, Yi-en muttered, shaking his head as his eyes never left mine, burning holes through my skull when his voice remained as cold as ice. “I spent so many nights worrying about you. You couldn't be fine on your own, what if you needed me and I wasn't there? It was sickening to think you could be spending your time around Americans to get more info. And now you are standing here, showing that all my worries and doubts were completely unnecessary because you _sided_ with them. How am I supposed to protect you if you side with the enemy and-”

“You overestimate how much I need you”, I interrupted him in slight wonder, the words resembling the ones Minhyuk had told me before we had gone out into this mess of a field but with the opposite meaning. “You think I was helpless? You think I _missed_ you? You think I left to get you guys more info on how to suppress _my_ country? You think I'm that pitiful? You think I need you that much?”

“Turtle, let's think about this for a moment, I was the one to-”

“You had _months_ to think about this and I can tell you the result: I had no intention of telling you anything of importance since the day you turned your back on me. Not one thing I knew about the resistance left my lips. I'm confused because you don't seem to get it even though I'm wearing their damn white uniform _right now_. Wow, my ex must be stupid.”

“I know I wasn't nice. I apologized. I apologized so much and thought we could go back to normal but you calling me your ex is-”

“I told you I never wanted to go back to what you call normal-”

“Let me speak!” His shout echoed from the walls, repeating itself over and over again, my ears ringing but I shook my head. My arm was beginning to hurt from aiming my gun at him and I decided to lower it again.

“You have no right to speak anymore. I've moved on. We have no present connection anymore, nothing but memories. I'm fine, doing good without you. I don't need you anymore.” He opened his mouth to protest but I raised my hand to stop him. “I don't know what caused you to get stuck in that delusion but I'm no longer dependent on you. Still-” I looked at the gun in my hand again, regret flooding my system. “I can't shoot you. The memories may be in the past but they are strong. I can't follow this order. If I don't do it someone else will, you're done for anyway.”

My earpiece crackled to life when one of the other guys contacted us. “I found someone! I really found someone! Near the bank, right beside the convenience store. Help would be nice so I don't accidentally let him-” I ripped the little device out of my ear in annoyance paired with relief. So person number two was captured as well. “Your little friend has been caught.”

I could see Yi-en's expression morph from sad to angry to disappointed to outright mad. “All these months wasted on you. Looks like you've become my enemy long ago.”

“So you finally get it.”

“I have my orders like you have your own. I can't believe you left me to become...this.” He was ashamed of thinking I would need him. Ashamed to see that I hadn't missed him half as much as he thought. He tried to conceal it but I knew him well enough. I knew him best. And seeing him now, I wanted to laugh. Point fingers at him. But every snarky remark got stuck in my throat when he slowly raised his shaking gun arm, aiming straight at me. “I won't let them have you. You're too precious, too _good_ for them. Forgive me Hyungwon but just like you can't be on my side I just can't be on yours.”

I stared at him with widening eyes, everything happening in slow motion now. Did his words mean what I thought they meant? Did he mean to shoot me now that I had admitted I couldn't do the same to him? “Yi-en, you don't have to do any of this.”

“You were mine”, he whispered with tears spilling from his eyes. “ _You were_ _mine_!” The sudden outburst left me more confused. He still loved me but I couldn't say the same about him, unaffected by his strong feelings now. _If his vision is blurry he might miss. Now I just need to get closer to him in order to-_

I didn't get to finish that thought.

He unlocked his gun, the clicking sound shaking me to the core. He meant it. It all happened so fast. A shot rang through the mild evening, the sound causing each and every bird to fall silent for a heartbeat. My ears went deaf, goosebumps forming on my arms and spreading across my whole body like a wildfire.

I looked at Yi-en whose eyes were wide as though he was shocked. I saw absolute and pure confusion, then pain, then shock again. He was completely out of it. Why was he like this when he had pulled the trigger in the first place? His arm was steady, not moving from the recoil and still aiming at me. This was kind of unusual. _Usually you would-_

Then it finally dawned to me: Yi-en hadn't fired any shot.

I wasn't in pain.

He was.

 


	33. Life hates to be confused with Peace

The slow motion continued when Yi-en dropped to his knees with wide eyes, staring at me in utter disbelief and I could only stare back to watch his body collide with the cold asphalt. As usual, I could only watch. I had never been taught to act right away.

Yi-en's eyes didn't leave me, not even when the gun clattered to the ground and he started crying out for me. His quiet and husky voice shook me to the core and it got louder and louder until a sob interrupted him. “Turtle. Tu- H-Hyungwon.” The pain seemed to set in because he rolled up with a scream. A moment later and time sped up again as I dropped my gun as well, the plastic and metal completely useless now anyway.

_Hyungwon! H-Hyung-_

_Sangwon! I'll be right there! Sangwon, it's gonna be over soo- let me go! Let me go to him! For fuck's sake, let me go to my brother!_

There was nobody holding me back this time but it still took me several seconds to move. _He's your enemy, Hyungwon._ _What does he even deserve?_ I pressed my lips together and knelt down by his side, not knowing how to ease his pain. I didn't want to see him like that. Wanting him out of my sight and wanting him hurt were two different things. And this right here looked worse than just a normal wound.

I carefully clasped my shaking fingers around his arms to make him face me and my eyes got stuck on the liquid tinting the already dark clothes pitch black. Yi-en's hands that had been pressing against the wound were red with blood, his reddish hair suddenly appearing to be mocking him as though it had known all along. “L-let me see”, I squeaked through clattering teeth, all hatred gone and I weaved my fingers through his to get them away from the wound. He would only make things worse if he kept moving.

I didn't need to see what it looked like underneath the darkened cloth to know what was going to happen. No first aid could save him. No surgery would be able to stop the blood from flowing out until it was too late anyway. The dark cloth covering his stomach spoke for itself – the bullet had hit its mark but whose bullet was it anyway?

I raised my head, scanned the nearby houses, the ruins, the shadows but nobody could be seen. Nobody but me and Yi-en who was crying, shaking, trying to thrash around – but every movement only made things worse so I forced him down by the arms again. “Stay still”, I ordered with a whisper but he was too busy panicking and staring at me in absolute shock to hear it right away. “Stay still you giant idiotic bamboo rat!”, I repeated and a quiet sob got mixed into my words.

The emotions were still there. I thought I had turned my back on Yi-en, I actually _had_ but he was still someone I had once cared about. And if you care about a person once it's not really that easy to watch them fucking die. This was _Yi-en_ dying there in front of me. The one who had raised me up when I wanted to die myself. The one who was there when I cried, who would protect me if something happened, who would hold me, cradle me in his arms until I stopped shaking at night.

And now that he was the one crying I noticed that I could never forget about what he had done to help me. But I still couldn't help him. _Helpless, useless, weak._ Times had changed, we had grown apart, but memories brought me back to my old me to feel a sense of pity. “What do you say? Will I make it?”, he asked though his eyes told me that he knew the answer. He was suffering.

_Don't look at me like that._ “Look at me, Yi-en”, I whispered, quickly so that I wouldn't break out into a panic attack before I could say it all. He deserved my undivided attention at that moment and I had to deal with his for once. Just this once. “There's a lot I wanted to say and a lot I thought I didn't need to say but you look like shit and I will just talk so you'd better stay with me and look at me until I'm done with you, alright? Did you hear me officer Tuan?”

“T-Tuan at your- argh, at your service. Now you're p-paying attention to me...huh?”, he managed to chuckle between two pained breaths. “Let me- let me say something...first.”

“What, I-”

“I know you're tired, ha, of hearing it-” He wanted to curl up again but my grip was strong, forcing his shoulders down. “-but I love you...still. So much. But you a-and I are...differ...ent...and-” A sigh escaped his lips when he forced himself to relax and take a couple of deep breaths, the dark stain spreading across his stomach area. “I'm sorry I c-couldn't unders-understand you.”

“Don't say that, Yi-en. Don't say it like that”, I whispered, freeing his left shoulder to take the corresponding hand instead, blood soaking the sleeve of my once perfectly white uniform. “Don't make me feel sorry.”

“No. Don't pity me. It's alright.”

“I don't _want_ to pity you, okay? But I know what you mean and I'm sorry as well but there's just no space for you anymore. For us in the sense of you and I alone. And that makes it so much worse. I loved you. Loved every single thing about you, about the way you behaved around me and me only. It was amazing, _you_ were. Still it's the past, you know? I thought after all this time I could finally move on, I did, at least I think so. You-”

“-shouldn't have...held on to a l-love based...on gratitude”, he finished my sentence for me and the slight smile looked horribly out of place on his distorted and tear stained face. “I know. I take back what I said earlier.” I swallowed heavily and his hold on my hand tightened a little as if to assure me that it was okay. “You're not...my enemy. N-never were...I was yours. Be happy for me, will ya?”

“I hate you”, I managed to utter, “You saying that kind of stuff makes this all the more frustrating and I just want to fucking hate you so much but why do you have to d- to go right now? Why are you leaving lying in my arms like Sangwon did? This is not fair.”

“It's not fair, you're...right. Pity yourself. That's better. P-poor turtle.” Yi-en let out a weak cough, no strength left in his body as he tried to keep his eyes on me. “But you're not the one dying right now...are you?”

“It kind of feels the same”, I whispered before I could think about it. It felt like I was being torn apart though he was the one hurting. It felt like I had been shot when the blood soaking my uniform was his. It felt like Sangwon was there in front of me when he wasn't.

“How cheesy.” His voice grew tired and worn out as he took another deep breath. “ Tis better to have loved and lost- ” I let out a snort. How dare he quote stuff in this situation like some sort of tragic hero? I squeezed his hand to encourage him to finish it. “-than never to have loved at all.” 

Yi-en let out another couple of heavy pants before his eyes began to shut slowly. “Turtle-”

“Yi-en. Yi-en, stay with me. Keep your eyes open. For fuck's sake, Yi-en, stay awake!”

And everything that came after that is just a blur of innocent white and the sadly beautiful color of blood.

 

________________

 

 _What have I done?_ I kept thinking the same thing over and over again as I stared at Hyungwon who hadn't moved from his seat in the hospital's waiting room for the past hour. Not even a twitch of his finger occurred to help me start a conversation. I hadn't known whom it was. Hadn't known who was raising his gun to shoot what I had thought to be mine. Until I got to him who was dying with Hyungwon's fingers digging into his shoulders, shaking him, trying to keep him awake.

What had I done? Simple: I had hit the mark. Better than I had intended to.

 

“ _Hyungwon!” I ran up to the person dressed in white that was currently kneeling on the ground, hunched over the body of the Chinese soldier. “Hyungwon are you- shit, are you alright?” I could hear quiet sobs coming from him, blood on his hands and sleeves, and for a split second I was worried I had hit him as well but then I saw how he was clinging to his opponent's blood-soaked uniform and forced myself to relax. It wasn't his blood._

_Then again, why was there so much of it?_

_I had told the others we had found another one, giving out our location so that they could help us if there was a problem but it looked like I had solved it all on my own...or? “H-Hyungwon?” Tears were streaming down his face. Drip, drop. One after the other. “What's wrong? Are you hurt? Did I-”_

“ _Don't die, I'm sorry. Don't...don't...” I put my hand on his shoulder, crouching down next to him but he only clenched his teeth. I looked at the red-haired male in front of me with my eyes widening. Die?_ Wait, I didn't aim at any vital part, just enough to-

_I rounded Hyungwon and the other guy to have a look at the wound, black and red everywhere. The bullet, where had it hit him? And when I found it, I could tell Hyungwon was right: the man was almost dead. My fingers started shaking as I raised them to my mouth. “He shouldn't be dying.” Hyungwon let out a sob that caused the weird feeling that had settled in my stomach to grow more prominent and I swallowed hard trying to get rid of it. He knew him. “W-who is he?”_ He's dying. He's dying. You shot him to the point where he'll die from it. You're a murderer, you are-

_Two of our fighters who had been close by stepped into the frame, quickly noticing in what state the Chinese was in. Hyungwon's tears kept flowing. Drip drop. “Let's bring the body with us, we should show results”, one of the two I recognized to be Hyungwon's team captain mumbled and Hyungwon's hold on the Chinese's uniform tightened._

“ _He needs to be buried properly. P-promise me.” The leader rolled with his eyes and grabbed the soldier's arm to pull him away from Hyungwon who kept holding on to him, so I stepped in, carefully taking his fingers from the dark and stained fabric. I had to get this out of my sight. I couldn't watch it, didn't want to get used to stuff like that but Hyungwon didn't let me. “No”, he breathed in shock as soon as his fingers had no contact with the body anymore. “No, don't take him away, he is not gone, he's not dead, it's not my fault, he's not-”_

“ _What's he talking about? His pulse is almost gone, he's lost. Good shot by the way.”_

“ _I-I don't know”, I admitted truthfully, lowering my head at what was meant to be a compliment while Hyungwon tried to escape from my grasp somehow. I lowered my voice and leaned closer to his ear. “Hyungwon, it's not Sangwon.”_

“ _I_ fucking know _!” He did?_ “ _I can't leave him right now! Give me time. We always said- always wanted t-to...if one of us dies we-” Hyungwon broke free but I had his wrist in my grasp in the blink of an eye again. I wouldn't let him go- “I won't let you bury Yi-en without me!”_

_Silence._

Fuck.

 _The two of them sent me questioning glances and I signaled them to go ahead, goosebumps forming on my skin as it dawned to me: Yi-en. This was...?_ But he said he was blond. _Your hair isn't naturally white either, ever heard of hair dye?_ Right _. It made sense. Hyungwon's wrist slippery with blood escaped my fingers and I grabbed the front of his uniform to pull him into a desperate hug._

“ _I didn't know”, I whispered when he started sobbing again, tears also forming in my eyes. “I'm sorry, I didn't think- didn't know he- you...” I couldn't finish the sentence. It was too much. We just stood there with me repeating endless and meaningless 'I didn't know's as I let Hyungwon shout after the two other guys, shout after Yi-en who 'wasn't supposed to die heroically like this' because it made old wounds hurt. The reason for his pain wasn't just Yi-en. It was also Sangwon. And this time,_ I _was the damn culprit._

_I had killed a person, a living being, with my own two hands. And seeing Hyungwon this devastated I knew that Yi-en couldn't ever completely leave Hyungwon's mind. Somewhere deep down there Hyungwon was still in a conflict after all this time and I couldn't mend him. I couldn't mend him because in the end I only caused him more pain._ Looks like I can't do anything right. _It was true that I was a murderer. And that truth hurt._

_The blood dripping from Hyungwon's hands and onto the ground. Drip drop. The tears of Death._

 

I hadn't said a word since that realization and neither had Hyungwon. We got into one of the two sent cars in silence – thankfully not the same as Yi-en had been placed in – got off, didn't meet up with the others and walked straight to the hospital they said they had brought 'the soldier' to. Neither of us cared about the blood on our uniforms, the huge scarlet stains tainting the clean and pure color white is. I knew what Hyungwon was thinking just by looking at his emotionless and guarded face. It was his old self. He had to go see Yi-en. Had to be with him. I didn't think I was ready to follow him but I didn't care. I deserved being in pain as well after what I had done.

_I won't let you bury Yi-en without me!_ It was a threat and a promise he was completely serious about. I had killed somebody. I had killed _Yi-en,_ a significant part of his life be it good or bad. I wouldn't want to talk to myself either if I was him. I was his first big love's killer. I was a killer.

I buried my face in my drawn-up knees and let out dry sobs that shook my body, the tears having stopped a long time ago. There were almost none left in me anyway. I saw Yi-en's face in front of me – calm, relieved maybe but still in pain. Still somewhat wronged. I had wanted to stop him not to kill him. I simply hadn't wanted Hyungwon to die; _save Hyungwon_ was all I could think about at that moment. But what ever justifies taking a life? One is followed by another, the bodies increasing and increasing until you find yourself in war. Real and useless war. Maybe we should have lived in oppression forever instead of-

“How are you?”

It was a whisper in the silent room and I almost didn't hear it because of my sobbing. I stopped immediately – it was him talking to me for the first time in an hour of sitting in the same quiet room. I swallowed my frustration, face still hidden from the world. I wasn't ready to face it, face _him._ “Miserable.” Was that my voice?

“That...that must be an understatement.”

“But it's not?”

“You're a liar, a bad one at that.” He sounded composed considering the fact that his tears and shivers had subsided only twenty minutes prior. He had been thinking a lot while I was drowning in self-pity it seemed. “You know”, he started softly as though he were remembering a really old story, a fairy tale maybe, “Yi-en was a good person. He had the wrong priorities but I never called him out for it. I took him the way he was, calm yet funny and always trying his hardest in any situation. I know it's not fair to say this to you but yeah, I loved him.”

Love. A word he had never used in context with me. A snort broke out of me, I don't know where it came from but it had me shake my head in disbelief. “Not fair? It's not fair to tell me what I already knew anyway?” My voice cracked and I pressed my face into my sleeves. “It's not fucking fair that I killed another of your memories. It's not fair that I turned out to be the same as the bastards who killed Sangwon a-and...I mean, it's just not fair to _you_.”

I looked up across the room but he was still looking out of the window like before, a sad smile on his lips. “It's not fair, yeah.” My heart sank and I took a shaking breath. “I told Yi-en just before...you know...that if I didn't shoot him someone else would. And it was you. Bad luck for me.”

 _For him?_ “I didn't _want_ to kill him, I swear I didn't-” _Please don't hate me-_

“It's my fault for not doing it myself. I was standing right in front of him after all but couldn't move a single muscle.”

“No, you don't get it”, I groaned getting to my feet and kneeling down by Hyungwon's chair's side taking his hand. “He shouldn't have died from the shot. Hurt but not dead.”

“He was our enemy. It was what it came down to anyway but you saying that you didn't want to...” He licked his lips and looked at me again for the first time in forever. Those dark eyes filled with sorrow, guilt and concern. Wait, concern? “I remember my first kill as bright as day and I never wanted you to go through that. You should never have gone to war with me. War is just pain and I don't want that for anyone, especially don't want it for you. I wanted you to stay the pure little snowflake I got to know you as.”

“What are you saying; _snowflake_?! Hyungwon, I killed Yi-en. He's fucking dead, how can you be concerned with something like me right now-”

“It's always hard to choose sides, Minhyuk”, he interrupted me through clenched teeth. “But it's as you said: Yi-en is fucking dead and nothing will bring him back so now I can only worry about my _boyfriend_ being traumatized from shooting my _ex_ for fuck's sake! He told me. He told me not to pity him and I decided to listen. Because he's gone. It was his last wish. All I have left now is you and I can't lose you too, don't you understand that the rest doesn't matter?”

He left his seat to drop to his knees in front of me, both of us sitting on the cold floor of the medical department now and one hand cupped my face while the other stroked my hair out of it to get a better look at my red and swollen eyes. “You're my everything and I'll worry about you and you only, I promise. It took me too long, I was too torn but I want to better myself so just wait, okay? Yi-en himself told me to be happy and I'm not letting him down if that's what you're thinking. Stay with me.”

I forgot how to breathe. Forgot about everything just from looking him in the eye. From hearing him say these things that were better than ordinary sweet nothings. He wasn't overlooking the fact that I had killed someone, on the contrary. But he looked at it from my point of view instead of the victim's. At this point I literally got away with murder and I had more than mixed feelings about it. He put me first, not Yi-en, despite his emotional outbreak he couldn't be blamed for. He had chosen my side. But he also didn't even waste a single thought on Yi-en anymore, didn't _let_ himself do so. And I felt like it would eat him up someday. This situation had broken him further, made him bet everything on me. And he had done that with Yi-en before but he didn't seem to notice. He didn't realize that what he was saying was not what could help him on the long run. Everything could repeat itself, he was looking for something that couldn't be.

And yet I only needed the support at that time. Needed someone to tell me it was alright though I knew it wasn't – and of course it just had to be Hyungwon doing so. I freed myself of his hands and slung my arms around his thin torso with a couple more sobs. I had killed a part of him without knowing it and now he was all mine but how could I be happy without regrets?

And that's how, without another word, I just cried for a little longer until I was cried dry and drenched of all energy because he could take it all from me. He could have it all.

I cried and he was there.

I cried for his loss and he let me.

I cried and so did he.

 

________________

 

Something snapped inside of me after Yi-en died. I didn't care about the images that had burned themselves into the back of my head, images that made me sad and depressed. Yi-en wasn't there anymore, his body resting until his soul decided to return. It wasn't the end for him, we'd meet again and I'd talk things out with him. No guns, no insults, no regrets. One day.

As long as Minhyuk remained I didn't need anything else. Yi-en had only been my past anyway, like I said, he didn't play a part in my present reality. Minhyuk was all I needed. Minhyuk and maybe Monsta X. Neither Yi-en nor Sangwon would return to my life, what else was I supposed to bet everything on? That's how my hold on Minhyuk tightened more and more. I wouldn't let him go. And I wouldn't put him in danger anymore either. Minhyuk was my only treasure and I'd protect him from everything with my life...

“What do you mean we can't go back to the securing forces?”, I snapped with Minhyuk's fingers intertwined with mine.

“Look, I know there was this agreement but it's not valid anymore because you decided to quit it yourself. I can't just put you behind bars anymore, the two of you are too good to be kept at the back, you even caught another soldier only today. I've been wanting to send you to the front for a while now.”

Minhyuk's whole body stiffened but I didn't even bat an eye as long as Yi-en's name wasn't said out loud. It was mine and only Minhyuk was allowed to say it other than me. Because Minhyuk belonged to me. “We really can't deal with the deaths, it's too hard-”

“I'll keep you in the second line, it's not as dangerous there and it's the furthest back I'll send you, you are in no position to argue with your superior so you should compose yourself and watch your manners. This is as far as my kindness goes”, the instructor insisted and I opened my mouth but Minhyuk bowed already.

“Understood. Sorry for the circumstances, we appreciate that.”

He looked at the two of us with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Yeah, whatever, just leave.”

So we left. Minhyuk first and I was right behind him. Always by his side. Never out of sight. _Protect Minhyuk, he's all that's left._

Wonho wanted to storm into the office upon hearing the news but we managed to calm him down. It was of no use, we were stuck in the offense, at least Changkyun, Minhyuk and I. I wanted to get mad at Wonho since he was the reason for Minhyuk being in danger but I didn't. It had been our idea after all. That evening I took two drops of Delphinium instead of one. I needed the kick, the happiness, the ignorant bliss. I needed a moment without thoughts I could spend with Minhyuk even if I didn't remember. He would. He would remember it all.

It was the next morning when he told us that this would be our last dose of Delphinium. It's not that he _ordered_ us to stop. We had simply run out of it. It was all gone.

No more Delphinium.

No more excuses.

 

________________

 

It was our last evening with Delphinium. The others didn't seem to realize it, maybe Kihyun who had usually taken care of the guys' vials. It had been months and we knew it would end someday but now that the day was here, I could only feel somewhat sorry. They'd have to deal with the withdrawal and it was the hardest part about it. I remembered my pain and shivered just by the thought of them having to go through it but at the same time I was happy they could finally break free. The medical team was good enough to keep them alive no matter in what way things would influence them. I had no intention of finding a substitute for the drug, Monsta X would be free and that was all we needed. Freedom.

They took their final doses and I watched them let go as usual, trying to maintain a straight face. This was still the same day. The day I had killed Yi-en. I glanced at Hyungwon who watched the vial being passed around, waiting for us to leave like we usually did, hand clinging to mine as though he'd fall apart if he let go. He had done that the whole day and the weird feeling that something wasn't right intensified. He had changed. His tone, his actions, his words. It was all completely focused on me. _I'll worry about you and you only,_ was what he had said and he seemed to be determined to stay true to it. He was afraid.

“Minhyuk.” I licked my lips and tried to hold his gaze but it was too intense so I looked away. Still a tug on my hand brought my eyes back to him anyway and we left as he received the vial. “I still don't know what I'm like on drugs but as long as it doesn't harm you, I don't care. Don't care about myself or what might hurt me, I just...wanted to say that.” I couldn't ask him anything else when he already put the drops on his tongue.

I grabbed the vial and looked at the remaining content that was basically nil. Maybe four drops – not enough to keep us going for another week. This was all we had brought with us when we had come to Ulsan all these weeks ago. The Clan's legacy was officially gone.

I clenched my eyes shut for a few seconds thinking of Changjung. And then I was back in reality, glancing at Monsta X once more before quickly dragging Hyungwon to our room next door. I still couldn't believe all this was happening in one day. It was too much. Just too much.

I closed the door and leaned against it with a sigh only to have Hyungwon step closer to me without missing a beat, trapping me between his body and the wooden door. He had done that before, out of curiosity, but this time he didn't look like he was experimenting. He looked serious, concentrated, slightly dominant. And there was hurt behind those dilated pupils of his.

“You won't leave me.”

My hands found their righteous place, loosely resting on his hips and curling around the fabric of his hoodie. “Sure I won't. I pro-”

“That wasn't a question, I know you won't”, he interrupted me with a triumphant smirk and he leaned closer, lips stroking the shell of my ear. “I'd kill myself if you did and you don't want that.” I was trying to find a hint. A hint that told me he wasn't being serious, only meant it in a symbolic way. But there was none. I tightened my hold on the hoodie when he leaned his head against mine in a caring manner, making it impossible for me to see his face.

“Please don't say that”, I could only breathe into his neck before pulling him closer, chest to chest. This was unusual and a bit worrisome. He placed a quick kiss on my temple and then leaned back to look at me with so much affection I felt my heartbeat speed up at once. On drug days he would usually just cling to me more than usual, snuggle up against me and then fall asleep on my lap but this was...extraordinary.

I licked my lips in nervousness, noticing too late how his eyes darted down to them in the blink of an eye. A quiet snort, a crooked smirk and then his lips were on mine, insistent, needy and relentless. It felt like when we had revisited our house for the first time in months – electrifying and special. I let him kiss me breathless and he retreated only for a heartbeat before our teeth clashed again and I turned my head to get away.

“You're not watching the limits you have”, I breathed, unable to trust my voice when I leaned against his shoulder but he had other plans for me, hands forcing me to look at him and his pitch black eyes.

“There are no limits.” His voice wasn't shaking, his gaze locked on my face without backing down and I knew it was the combination of drugs and frustration. He was busy processing Yi-en's death while sober but he completely erased him from his mind while on drugs. It was like that pain had never existed. This was Hyungwon as he would have been if his whole life had been void of disappointment and betrayal. If nobody had died and he had just _like_ liked me from the start. If I hadn't had to comfort him so many times. This was what my man could have looked like – but then he wouldn't really have been my man.

“Let's not get ahead of ourselves”, I whispered as I led him to sit and then lie on his bed, me following shortly after. I stroked his hair to the side in an attempt to calm him down but he just rolled over until his face hovered right above mine, a hand on each side of my head like before. Another kiss.

“I can never show just how much you mean to me, what do you expect me to do?”, he whispered with his slightly messy fringe interrupting the view of his eyes. “This is my only chance. I want you to know. Want you to be assured of your importance-”

“I don't need that”, I interrupted him with a smile. “Don't push sober Hyungwon for me. Only do it if it's for his sake.”

An actual disbelieving chuckle escaped his lips and I cocked my head to the to make him explain. “You don't get it, babe, it's not just for you”, he mumbled with a slight shake of his head and something inside of me got really excited when it heard that nickname though I was usually grossed out. I felt heat creep up into my face from all the affection I could see in his mocking eyes when he leaned down again, breath ghosting over my lips. “It's for us.”

I didn't hesitate any longer, threading my fingers through his hair and pulling him down without being able to stop myself. This was too much, _he_ was too much. Too much to handle. Too much to resist. I knew that I loved him then. I loved a broken man without having the right to because I had killed his ex to get to this point. _The nature of love is to kill for it, or to die_ , I reminded myself and it made me throw away all the worries. I wouldn't die and leave Hyungwon in this dark world that had given him enough pain. Killing was the only way left now.

Hyungwon smiled into my egoistic kiss when I rolled him over and his hands slipped under my shirt to dig their nails into my sides, to hold on, to make sure this was real. I had to say what I thought out loud and let his lips go for a second. “I want all of you.”

He wasn't impressed, a smug grin gracing his swollen lips when he raised a brow. “You have all of me.”

“Then what if all of you is not enough?”, I tested with a bit of a bad conscience but he wasn't swayed at all and kept his confident eyes on me.

“Take more until it is.”

And just hearing these words made my heart flutter even more.

 

________________

 

Waking up with Minhyuk's arms slung around my waist and his face buried in my chest was all I needed to feel at ease. It wasn't suffocating, wasn't tiring, it was just beautiful. Comfortable even. It felt like home. I let my fingers run through his hair, black roots more than evident even though he had actually managed to find bleach about two months prior. I breathed in his scent, buried my nose in his hair. If it could just be like this forever.

Minutes passed until Minhyuk's fingers twitched and he clenched his eyes shut as he found his way back into reality, away from his sleep. “Good morning”, I whispered and a shiver went through his body, hand clawing at my sweater.

“Morning. You good?”

“Sure.”

A few more minutes of comfortable silence, then I sat up to completely get rid of the sleep. What time was it? I glanced around with a frown only to end up turning to Minhyuk. “Where's my watch?”

“You never take it off, where would you put it?”, he replied with a quiet squeak when he stretched his back.

“Don't know.” I stood up and looked through the closest cupboards, finding it carelessly placed on our chair after two or three minutes and snapping it on. A quarter to eight in the morning. A quarter to- “Fuck”, I groaned with a sound of dissatisfaction, “We're gonna be late. Get up, the instructor is going to get mad if we aren't ready in ten minutes.”

Minhyuk laughed away as we ran all the way to our meeting point, how did he even have that stamina? The sound of his giggles turning a little more breathless with every minute, every step, made me smile as well and I wondered if he knew how big of an impact he was having on me.

Changkyun was already there when we arrived because that kid actually has some sense of responsibility and we stood with our heads bowed as the instructor started his rant but the fact that Minhyuk was trying to hide a smile made it all less serious. As long as he smiled like this my mood couldn't drop either.

We were introduced to our new comrades, people who had spent a lot of time together and now we were thrown into this pool just because the instructor had to be this stubborn. I didn't like having to get used to new faces so I stuck around Minhyuk and sometimes Changkyun throughout the day, the three of us not yet being brought to the second line because we didn't know a thing about the situation. The result: theory. A lot of it. By the time lunch rolled by I knew everything about the groups, the tactics, the plans. It wasn't much different from the securing work we had done before, just more dangerous because it was closer to the front line.

Wonho didn't come to lunch and Minhyuk sent a questioning look to Kihyun who just rested his chin on his palm. “Has been around that little girl ever since he woke up. The people you found yesterday are all more or less sticking together, you know, orphanage fraternity, but the woman and the girl are having a hard time and he can't stay away from them.”

“He must feel pretty responsible for them”, Changkyun threw in and I shrugged.

“Well, he had been taking care of her for months before we left. No surprises here.”

“True.”

“Then I need you to pass this on to him”, Minhyuk brought the attention back to himself and everybody furrowed their brows in unison. “About our Delphinium, you know? Yesterday, it...” He fished a small glass vial like ours out of his pocket, barely a couple of drops of liquid inside. “It was your last dose. I don't think any of you noticed but this was the last vial. Starting from next week there will be withdrawal symptoms so I want you to prepare yourselves and request at least two days off duty at the office.”

It remained silent for a couple of seconds, some of us unmoved, others with shock on their faces – I was part of the latter. No more Delphinium. No more extra happiness once a week. No more relaxation after a long week of falling back into old patterns. No more-

“You must be kidding, right?”, Jooheon said first but Shownu just kept eating, replying with his mouth full of rice.

“He's not, you see the vial? Warning us beforehand wouldn't have changed a thing, we'll have to undergo withdrawal. There's nothing left.”

“I've been moved to the health section these days”, Kihyun threw in with a nod, “we should all be able to undergo treatment there. I didn't want to let go of it, so I didn't want to think about it but-”

“What if someone dies?”

Everyone's eyes were on Jooheon in a second as he looked around our small group with frustration on his face. Frustration – fear and anger at once. “No way”, Changkyun waved off then, offering a more or less confident smile and glancing at Kihyun to get him to talk.

“Exactly, it will be fine”, he said patting Jooheon's back. “We had other people on other drugs in the hospitals during these past months. We'll try to explain to them what we know and they'll do the rest. There's medical attention here, how bad can it get?”

Jooheon opened his mouth but then thought it better to stay quiet and stare at his plate. _We could die._ But Kihyun was right, that wouldn't happen if we had treatment. Nobody knew we had been taking drugs, Minhyuk always keeping us under lock and key whenever it was that time of the week, so explaining would be the hardest part. The worst would be that they could suspend us from military service because they thought we were mentally unstable. Thinking about it it didn't seem that bad after all. “It's fine”, I added confidently resting a hand on Minhyuk's knee as he was tense from the dark mood coming from Jooheon. “They've seen worse than a bunch of junkies and we're not even the worst of the lot. It's gonna be fine.”

And after a couple more minutes of uncertain silence we moved on, eating like we always would. Or so we thought.

 

The next days were busy.

Everybody spent most of their time on duty, securing, second line, no matter where. Nothing happened. Wonho spent more than half of his free time with the little girl, Miss Kim hanging around the orphanage kids who were, as I found out later, already adults. With those baby faces nobody would have believed that but it was true. Anyway, they seemed to be getting along after all so there was no need to worry about her in any way.

On Friday evening, I went to visit the little girl with Wonho because he had told me to, the idea of leaving Minhyuk not very pleasing. He had promised to stay in our room until I got back and I had to believe him. It wouldn't be for long. Not for long.

“She shouldn't only know me in case something happens and she doesn't talk to Hyuna either so maybe you are another case since you got us out of the house that day, don't know”, Wonho explained on the way to the rescued people's quarters.

I furrowed my brows. “Hyun..a? Who's that?”

“The other woman we- oh. Miss Kim, I guess?”, he corrected himself, scratching the back of his head. “Don't tell her I told you.”

“Alright, whatever. Does your girl have a name though? It's a bit stupid to always refer to her as 'girl' you know?” I didn't question why he was so keen on getting me to talk to her because I thought I knew the answer already – he was afraid his withdrawal would go wrong and she'd be left without anyone to turn to. But it could be the same for me, right? “You should have asked Minhyuk, he's out of danger.”

Wonho sighed. “I'd rather have introduced her to all of you but she doesn't talk to anyone and she has no connection to Minhyuk whatsoever. Please, just try once.” How could I decline? So I nodded and he smiled brightly. “About her name, she doesn't tell me anything so I just keep calling her princess. So...Kongju for you?”

“Princess?” I rolled my eyes at his cheeky grin, flicking his forehead. “You're such an idiot. But fine. I'll go with your rules then.”

“Good because we're here, let's go”, he said stopping all of a sudden to open the closest door with all smugness or embarrassment drained from his face. It was all fluffy Wonho and I rarely got to see that. She was special. “Princess, I brought you someone to get to know. Say hi to Hyungwon, will you? He's one of my friends I told you about, the one who came to get us the other day?”

I entered the gray room and saw her sitting on the bed, back leaning against the wall as she read a book with many colorful images gracing the pages. Her round eyes were on me in a second and I smiled as warmly as I could. She was a victim like me. Only her Yi-en was Wonho. My smile fell for a split second but then was back brighter than ever. Maybe Wonho was right when he chose me though he didn't know just how similar that girl and I were. “Hi. I'll call you Kongju because W- Hoseok told me to, is that alright?”

Of course there was no reaction but I nodded to myself anyway, sitting down on the ground at the far end of the room while Wonho chose to take a seat on a chair next to the bed, the girl crawling towards him in a second but he shook his head. “He's not dangerous. I don't need to protect you from him.”

I wanted to observe every little bit about her expression, her body language, everything but I decided to close my eyes instead, resting my head on drawn-up knees. I wasn't dangerous. “Hoseok wanted me to meet you but I've been wanting to talk to you for a while now as well. You know, he talked a lot about how much he worries whenever he was at home.” It hadn't been _a lot_ but that wasn't important at that moment. “It made me worry about you as well. Hoseok can be a real idiot sometimes. You know, during the past month he choked on his ramyun ten times, I don't think that idiot is even able to protect himself.”

“Hey, I was really hungry and-”

I opened one eye to raise a brow at him and he fell silent with a pout, the girl next to him directing her curious gaze towards me. She didn't know what I was going for yet. “That aside, did you know he's afraid of heights? Minhyuk is also afraid of them but Hoseok is a whole new level.” I chuckled remembering the time we had gone to the tallest building of the city we were staying in back then. “He was a mess. Crying and calling for help. I can't believe you trust this guy to protect you. So what I'm trying to say is-”

I opened my eyes completely to smile at her again, deliberately ignoring Wonho's sulky face. “-you shouldn't always count on him. There might be moments he's not available or simply can't help because he's afraid as well. He's human like you. If you start trusting more people it will get easier. Find your light.” I thought about Minhyuk and couldn't help drowning in his picture in my mind for a few seconds.

“I've been in your position before, exactly the same, only I wasn't eleven years old when it happened, I was nineteen. If you want to talk to someone who understands you can always come to me and let it all out, alright? I'll either cry along or we'll end up laughing about it but in the end you will feel better anyway. Is that a deal?”

Kongju looked me in the face licking her lips. She didn't know whether I was being serious or not and I stared back at her with unwavering warmth for a solid minute, forgetting about Wonho and just focusing on her.

“Okay, let's put it differently”, I offered nodding to myself. “Tomorrow at seven in the evening, after dinner, I'll go to the rooftop here. If you come there as well I'll tell you about my story, maybe then you'll believe me that we're not very different from one another. It's your choice though. If you don't come, I'll have the amazing view all for myself. I won't force you to listen or talk to me, that wouldn't be fair. Just do as you please, yeah? Tomorrow, seven in the evening. I'll get going then, keep reading your book it looks interesting. Tell me about it the next time we meet. Sleep tight.”

And then I just got up and left, closing the door behind me to leave her alone with Wonho for a moment and taking a deep breath. It would be tiring to talk about everything again but the more I talked about it the less it would hurt. It would be therapy for the both of us and I actually hoped she would come.

Wonho was impressed by my short monologue, he told me several times that day until it felt like he was teasing me for trying too hard to be cool. I just smiled it off like I had gotten used to doing it.

The next evening, I was waiting. Seven. Seven thirty. Seven forty. And then the door creaked open to reveal a little frame. I didn't watch her slowly step closer, just kept staring at the houses until she had sat down. And then I started talking to nobody in particular. I talked and didn't leave anything out. I remembered Yi-en again though I never said his name out loud. I cried but didn't care to wipe away the tears. And then a small hand touched my cheek, getting rid of the salty liquid for me instead. I glanced at her in surprise because all that time she hadn't said or done anything. But at that moment...

“Hoseok said-” So that was her voice? It was rough from not really talking to anyone but there was a soft and warm undertone to it that immediately calmed the mind. “What soap is for the body, tears are for the soul.” And that's all she said that day, a little smile topping it off.

All that was left for me to do was snort and avert my gaze. “Suddenly, he's only half as much of an idiot. What book of quotations did he eat to say such things? That fortune cookie, seriously.”

As the sun set, I was smiling alongside a little girl that was just as broken as myself.

 

On Sunday we were told to go on duty at a place that was near the entrance to Seoul. I had a weird feeling about it. Everybody was already anxious because of the possible consequences for not being able to take Delphinium but until then nobody had showed any early symptoms because of stress or something like that. Until then, everything was fine, so we would manage another day. D-day wasn't until Monday.

Still I couldn't help worrying that I might not make it. Tomorrow was my day off, I had requested it like everybody from Monsta X including Minhyuk. He wouldn't leave my side for anything. Minhyuk would never leave me alone unless I asked him to, like when I had talked to Kongju the day before. So he would be there for me on Monday. When high and when sober. Always.

That day I hoped Kongju would find someone like that as well. Not someone who saved her like Wonho, like _Yi-en_ , but someone who could mend her. Like Minhyuk. Everybody needed someone like him and I was lucky to have found him this early in life. Mine and mine alone.

We drove to our location, got new instructions, went for the designated areas. No anomalies. Everything was in order and alright, my tension dissolving with every hour we spent on duty. It would be fine. It would be-

“New orders”, the earpiece crackled to life and I immediately stopped to turn back to Minhyuk. “We'll stick around until early in the morning tomorrow, sleeping at the makeshift base is difficult so take your sleeping bags and find some building to stay in. Leaving at six AM, until then you're to be on your guard but more or less off duty. Over.”

“Tomorrow morning”, I mumbled in malcontent but Minhyuk smiled to cheer me up, which worked of course.

“It's just morning. How long did we drive, half an hour? It's not far away, we could even walk if things got serious.”

And I believed him.

And he was right, we could walk. But I didn't think I'd actually _have_ to.

 


	34. Affection is the only flower that can bloom forever

It wasn't until twenty-three minutes past four in the morning that loud noises interrupted our sleep. I clutched at my head to get rid of the sounds but nothing worked so I got up only to find Hyungwon on his feet already, looking around like a startled guard dog. Well that's what he was, wasn't he? I grabbed his arm and he relaxed just long enough to show me he had acknowledged my presence before turning stone cold again. “Your earpiece.”

I scrambled to fish it out of my pocket and put it in – they had told us to never take it off but Hyungwon insisted on being the one available at all times so that I could sleep well. Ha, sleep well, my ass. As soon as I had put the earpiece in more chaos flooded my head. Orders were given out, people were reporting, all kinds of sounds could be heard until the situation was described by someone from the front line.

“They broke through our line of defense, all second line soldiers are ordered to stand guard and chase every black uniform they see. Shoot at sight, I repeat, shoot at sight.”

It happened again. _Shoot at sight._ Just a week ago this was the command that had me shoot Yi-en and now I was receiving it again. They had broken through the line, how the fuck had they- “Let's retreat to the main highway”, Hyungwon's voice interrupted my thoughts and I watched as he rolled our sleeping bags together, took my hand and started walking dragging me along. “The main highway should be the most guarded place, it's safer there.”

“Nowhere is safe, Hyungwon”, I whispered in shock but he just yanked me forward in determination.

“We'll manage. We'll get home.” He pushed some button on his communication device and asked for Changkyun to come as well but he said he would be busy at the base so he couldn't come. Hyungwon sighed and licked his lips. “Fine, the base is safer as well. No big deal, we'll get it done. How many are there even in the first place it can't be that hard to get rid of them, we're so many.”

He was rambling, something he usually didn't do, not even under pressure.

He was thinking too much.

“We're good”, I assured him again, forcing him to look at me. “Keep calm and let's go.” So we went.

Seconds, minutes, hours of standing at the highway with three other guys from our group. Hours of listening to orders and reports being sent back and forth, back and forth.

I was confident the problem would kind of clear up itself when suddenly someone said they were near the base. “Changkyun”, I breathed just when Hyungwon and I started running at the same time. It was a crap decision, running into battle head on, but this was Changkyun. I wouldn't leave him in the midst of battle to stay safe and Hyungwon knew that. He knew so he had no choice but to follow me to the place of danger.

And it was on our way that we finally noticed the scale of the problem. They had really made it to the base and there were still several black uniforms left. I was about to run into someone's line of fire when Hyungwon pulled me back and behind the closest wall right before the fire was opened. It was so loud I couldn't hear anything Hyungwon told me, only the shots, the orders in my right ear and my own heart beating against my ribcage like it wanted to escape from its prison.

Still, when Hyungwon nodded, I nodded as well and he pulled me to my feet to find a way around the gunshots, behind walls and through abandoned houses. At some point I grew confident again, stopped shaking just when I saw a flash of black appear in front of me I raised my gun in a hurry- ...But I couldn't shoot.

I saw it in my mind. The blood, fair hair, the pain, the frustration. I saw Hyungwon crouching by Yi-en's side, I saw him sobbing in the hospital. Every time I shot someone, someone else would have to suffer like Hyungwon. Someone would be left behind. _That could be you._

I was frozen to my spot when the Chinese soldier seemed to notice me but before anything could happen Hyungwon pushed me out of the way and fired a well aimed shot right through the soldier's skull, making him drop to the ground in the blink of an eye. I turned to glance at Hyungwon but he didn't give me the time to be shocked, pushing me forward with his teeth clenched and eyes hostile. I was scared. “Hyungwon, I'm sorry, I just-”

“I know, I can imagine”, he hissed pushing me forward and leaving the body behind. We ran around the base until we caught a glimpse of Changkyun fighting back to back with another Korean. Relief flooded my mind and I stepped forward but again Hyungwon yanked me back to prevent me from running into another battle. A soldier attacked him with a blade in his hand he didn't see beforehand and a shallow cut was placed on his beautifully pale cheek, another one on his palm following when he defended himself against it. A few seconds of exchanging punches, a moment of distraction and Hyungwon's gun went off again, sending the enemy to the ground.

He looked at me to make sure I was fine and grabbed my wrist again, smearing blood on it due to his cut hand. “You're hurt”, I managed to choke out but I didn't hear my own words. He, however, did.

“Doesn't matter. Won't die from it. Moving on.” I licked my lips and let him drag me to Changkyun, push me behind the two of them, fire several shots to enemies' legs, arms and heads. He really was a guard dog. My guard dog.

“I thought you were by the highway”, Changkyun shouted when we fled towards the closest building to use as a shield while distancing ourselves from the main battle. With the amount of soldiers located at the base it would be easy to get rid of the intruders but it was still a mess. A bleeding, screaming, dying mess.

“We're not leaving you here alone”, Hyungwon explained with a shrug but I couldn't bring myself to smile like I usually would all of a sudden.

I took a deep breath trying to calm myself, trying not to think about anything. “I want to go home”, I whimpered quietly and Changkyun and Hyungwon turned around in surprise, the latter immediately wrapping his arms around me.

“I know, but it's so far away. And our orders-”

“I don't care about the orders, you're on withdrawal and I'm scared you'll break down in the midst of battle and today is our free day why are we even here, we are supposed to be back home, should have gone there _hours_ ago and-”

“Fine. Then let's go. Going against orders isn't that bad once you get used to it. Let's go home.”

I stared at Hyungwon who just calmly returned the gesture, not a trace of the previous hostility left now. Suddenly he was my little puppy dog. I nodded. “Yeah. Home.”

He gave me a smirk like it was only me and him for a second, then his ears picked up on some sound, he started and took a quick step pushing Changkyun out of the way before a shot joined all the others being fired around us. Hyungwon hissed while Changkyun aimed and shot before any more damage could be dealt and the Chinese culprit went down without so much as a gasp. What a dream team. I looked at Hyungwon whose side started bleeding and panic arose in my throat, making it hard to breathe.

“Hyungwon, fuck, does it hurt? How bad is it?”

He looked down at his side but waved it off with a smile. “No big deal, not deep. Let's go.”

Another look at Changkyun who nodded before we took off towards the highway. It was our free day anyway, we might as well go for a short five hour walk, right?

And again, we went.

The further we walked the more I could tell something wasn't right. It was around two in the afternoon, four hours of walking later, when Hyungwon stopped to crouch down for a couple of seconds. We were close to our old city. Not much more and we'd be there. Maybe another hour until we'd reach the base. An hour was nothing compared to safety. I could just hope they would allow us to stay in the hospital though we had ignored our orders. They couldn't blame us, right? We had told them beforehand. Right?

I was back by Hyungwon's side in a second, clenching my teeth. “What's wrong?”

“I'm fine.”

“You're _not_ fine!”, I retorted loudly, trying to get him to his feet but he just grabbed my fingers and shook his head.

“I'm dizzy. Just a little dizzy, nothing else. Will be fine in a minute.”

He didn't look like he'd be fine though so I turned to Changkyun who stood beside us in uncertainty. “Keep going, I'll carry him but it will take longer. Tell them about the situation. Two knife cuts, one gunshot wound. Low on drugs. Tell them and send a team our direction. But don't run. We'll be fine.”

“I can't just leave you after you even came to-”

“Go! For fuck's sake, listen to those older than you and go get the others.”

Changkyun chewed on his bottom lip for a couple of seconds before nodding with an apologetic look. “I'll be back as fast as I can.”

“Stay safe.”

“You too.”

And then I watched his figure move away, watched it get smaller and smaller until he disappeared around a corner and I helped Hyungwon to his feet. His left side was completely red, it didn't look like 'no big deal' after all. “Hop on.”

“I said I'm fine-”  
“And I said _hop on_ , so you'd better listen you shithead.”

I could tell he wanted to say no and be strong but the way he tried to keep his focus and the way his eyes searched for something to concentrate on gave away how serious it was and he almost let himself fall instead of climbing on my back. He was so thin, so light, was this normal?

“Sorry to burden you”, he mumbled, sounding half asleep and I shook him with a little more force than necessary to keep him with me. “Must be the blood loss. Bullet was deeper than I thought. And the lack of...of...uh-”

“Delphinium.”

“Yeah, right. That.” I pursed my lips and picked up pace. He sounded so far away with his thoughts, unable to stay with me for more than a couple of seconds. If only I had taken the almost empty vial with me, I could have allowed him another week of drugs. It could have saved him then and there because it would get his body running again but no, I hadn't thought it necessary. Why even?

I sighed wholeheartedly and took in the environment, the broken houses, the remaining trees, the ruins, the moss and weed covering a couple of stones- Wait. Wasn't this- “Hyungwon, I'll let you down for a while, can you stand?”

“I'm too tired”, he groaned clutching at my shoulders so I stumbled through several ruins until I found a place that was more or less hidden from whoever might walk through the street.

“I'll be back in five minutes, okay? I'll be there in no time, I just have to check something and will be quick. Don't sleep.”

“Where are you-”

“Be back in five minutes!”, I shouted again before disappearing into the broken houses, making my way over rocks and bent metal pipes. It took me less than a minute to get to the building, another to overcome my fear of dying while climbing the stairs. And then I stood in a half broken building, the ground of which could collapse because it had taken so much damage from previous bombs.

I entered the floor I remembered we had put the machines in and clenched my teeth when I saw the damage. It was the house we had declared our second Delphinium storage, right before uncle's shop had been burned down. Maybe there was something left. Maybe I could still-

Of course the electricity had been cut off. The conditions had been bad for the flowers but they had bravely tried to grow for the past months only to end up dying. They tried so hard. I knelt down beside one of the overturned flower boxes and let my fingers graze the dried petals and stems in frustration. _Better than nothing_. Without another thought I grabbed a handful of dead flowers and ran down the stairs again before the building could decide to collapse nonetheless.

I ran back to the place I had left Hyungwon at with the flowers clenched in my hand. I rushed to his side, sliding the last centimeters on my knees while already reaching for the back of his head to support him. “Hyungwon, are you there? Hyungwon. Hyungwon, open your big-ass eyes!” His fingers twitched but other than that he only let out a quiet hum. “Do you hear me?” Another hum. “Then open your mouth or I'll force you.”

It took him a few seconds to comply, lips parting just enough for me to put one of the flowers into his mouth. “Chew. Don't care how. Chew on it”, I ordered pushing his chin up with my hand before heaving him on my back once more. Another idea came to my mind. “Water. Cold to shock, warm to keep the body at a good temperature and alive.” I needed water, but the buildings in this street were too damaged to-

“Our house”, his mumbling ripped me out of my panic. Right.

One thing we had noticed was that our house could still use electricity and even water, as well as the surrounding houses, simply because they hadn't been bombed as much. Call it coincidence, call it destiny, I needed water to keep him awake. So I picked up pace again. The dry flower didn't seem to help much so we got rid of it on the way and it took me ten more minutes to get to the street I had walked through for so many years. I was home, but I felt cold. An empty home was nothing you wanted to return to.

“Hyungwon, you there?”

“Min...h...”

“That is _not_ good”, I concluded loudly and with a shaking voice simply to keep myself busy as I carried him up the stairs into our bathroom, letting the water flow into the white ceramic bathtub and placing him in there as carefully as possible. My fear grew, panic taking over. I didn't have any strength left in my body, couldn't carry him any longer. My hands were shaking uncontrollably, sweat running down my temples. This had to work or he would be done for. _We_ would _._

The water was ice cold and I turned it off after half of the tub was full, ran down into the kitchen and boiled some water to add to the icy one to create a body tempered atmosphere, maybe a little warmer. It was not helping, his breaths remained flat and the water turned a very faint shade of pink from the dried blood dissolving again. _Must be the blood loss_. “The blood loss...” It wouldn't help much but I went into my room to grab some of my left-behind clothes, tearing them to shreds to wrap them around his side and hand pretending it would help in any way.

“Hyungwon, if you leave me now how am I going to live, huh? How am I going to fucking live without you by my side?”, I hissed with tears forming in my eyes when he didn't move the slightest. I wanted to lean closer to check for his heartbeat but something in my uniform's front pocket prevented me from doing so. I glanced down, only then remembering that I had always carried it around no matter what. I had promised him after all. On that day...

“ _Just...keep it safe. Think of it as a second me. Protect it like it was me. Can you do that?”_

“ _Sure. But...why can't I?”_

“ _I can't tell you. But I promise it's better if you don't read it.”_

“ _I promise to do as you said. But you promise me there's no serious reason for you to give me this. You really won't leave, right?”_

“ _No, I told you, no, I won't.”_

“You're a liar, Chae Hyungwon.” _They won't make it here, even if Changkyun manages to send a medical team. They won't find us here, I've moved too far away from the fastest path._ “You're such a bad liar yet I believed you.” He didn't move. Didn't say a thing and I took out the book, checking for his heartbeat again but it was weak, so weak. He was- No he _couldn't._ “If you don't answer me I'll read it. I'll read your oh so secret book, what do you say about that, huh?”

Still no reply. I pressed my lips together, the silence of the room suffocating me. We had fled from the battle to stay safe but still his wounds didn't let him be. The pain, the stress, the knowledge that you didn't have drugs to compensate for all the unhappiness. It was an overkill.

The first tears fell onto the book cover, one, two, three. I sobbed out loud shaking him by the shoulder a couple of times but of course there was no reaction. He was like a puppet without strings. Free but lifeless. It was then that I decided to read the book. Who could have stopped me anyway?

On the first page, I remembered, he had written 'THE CLAN' in beautiful letters. On the bottom there was something that looked like a quote.

_It's not the end until you reach it._

I leaned my back against the bathtub, head resting against Hyungwon's hand on the edge of the white ceramic. It was still warm, but for how much longer? I focused on the book again, turning the page.

One for each Monsta X member excluding Hyungwon himself. Everything he knew about us was written in there. My replies to our twenty questions game, Wonho being a spy, family relations of Jooheon, Kihyun's past. They were all there, a compilation of what made us different yet so similar. One page for each group that had been a part of the Clan. Seventeen, Sistar, BTS, even EXO. All of them. Member count and names had been written down, reminding me of just how many people I had left to deal with withdrawal symptoms all these months ago. Had they survived or had they ended up like Hyungwon? Though for him, it was the combination of blood _and_ drug loss. _Delphinium could help him but-_ I didn't want to think about it. Not yet. Not now.

I turned the pages until I had reached the last gang, only blank pages following. It was a huge letdown. This was what I had protected throughout the weeks? A bit of info on the Clan? “That's kinda lame”, I wanted to mumble but got interrupted by another sob shaking my body. I looked at the front page again, reading the bottom line out loud. “It's not the end until you reach it...Such a poet, that idiot.”

I flipped through the pages once more, not stopping after the last gang. Another white page. Another white page. _One more and then I'll stop_ -

_You might as well go all the way now, you idiot._

I furrowed my brows at the confusing sentence. It was his handwriting, no doubt, then why did he suddenly write- _Go all the way?_ “There's more?”, I whispered into the silent room, my shaking hands flipping through the book with more determination now. Page after page until I reached the very last one to stare at it in awe.

A whole page full of his handwriting. Tiny black letters. I squinted to read them in confusion. “To Minhyuk...?” I swallowed, licked my lips and took a deep breath. What was the meaning of this? I dug my teeth into my bottom lip and read on. And I couldn't believe what I read, what he had written before the whole shit with Yi-en had happened. What he had written when he was only half as broken as he was now. When he was still sane.

 

To Minhyuk.

I knew you'd read this sooner or later. It's either you being curious or me being an ass and making you feel lonely. I hope the latter never happens and if yes, I'm sorry. You know, I'm not very good at saying what I think, voicing my inner feelings and stuff? Wow, that sounds disgustingly cheesy right now, doesn't it? Anyway. Minhyuk. I probably haven't said it yet because otherwise I would have taken this book from you again, so I'll say it – more like write it – right here.

I love you.

I know, I know, I should have said it personally first. But it hurt so much, you know? With all the things happening... The general, Yi-en, Sangwon...I didn't feel like I was supposed to feel like this. But I can't say I don't because that would be a fat lie. And I'm sick of lies. I love everything about your smile, your behavior, your voice, your touch...It's all too much. When I first moved in with you guys, I did it for the Delphinium. Thought I might be able to forget everything about me being a spy, my past, my losses. I couldn't, so there was no reason to stay for the flowers anymore. You asked me when you found out about the spy thing: Did I only stay for the Delphinium? So now you know: no. I stayed for another drug. For some reason, you always assured me everything would be fine. And you were always being so _honest_. It feels great just thinking about it and I miss it when I'm not around you, it's like on withdrawal. I'm...addicted, maybe? My drug wasn't Delphinium. It was you. I'm so sorry I can't say that myself because I mean every word written here with all of my heart.

Thank you. For everything. Let's walk together, you and I. Always.

I'm yours.

~ Hyungwon. A proud member of Monsta X.

 

I was crying biting on my finger's joint to keep the sound down, sobbing uncontrollably. The book fell to the ground, lying there motionless like Hyungwon in the bathtub behind me. All this time I had been insecure about being around him, being close to him, _loving_ him. And now I found out that he had written this in a letter I had carried around with me for weeks without me knowing?

I turned around, hitting his chest with not as much force as I wished I had had. “You idiot. You tall, lanky, idiotic idiot”, I sobbed, hitting him once for every word I uttered. “Come back to me, you asshole that's a foul play.”

I leaned closer, tried to make out his heartbeat. There was a faint fluttering beat in there, too weak to even count and I spun around to search through the cupboard. There had to be something that would help. Something, _any_ thing. We had used all of their vials, had apparently sold every single jar to Seventeen to keep them alive somehow and now, with six empty vials at the base, all that was left were dry flowers and me who had quit the drugs so long ago, he- Oh.

“I'm such an idiot. I'm an idiot!”, I shouted, moving from the bathroom to my room, checking the box below my bed with my sight blurred by all the tears. Six empty vials. Six empty ones. “But we are seven people for fuck's sake”, I breathed, letting out a frustrated groan when I couldn't find the seventh one, the one bearing my very own name. All these months had me completely forget about it. The kitchen, maybe? No. The living room? No.

I stopped to turn towards Hyungwon's room, entering in a hurry and opening the nightstand with impatient hands. The sound of glass rolling forward until it hit wood. The sound of a tiny glass vial. A new wave of tears flooded my eyes and I grabbed the little ray of hope to run back into the bathroom. “Hyungwon! Hyungwon, stay with me!”, I mumbled urgently, not caring about kindness and slapping his face without another thought but his head just tilted to the side, his body not reacting in any other way.

I held a finger under his nose but was shaking too much to make out his possible breathing, so I rubbed my sleeve across my eyes and decided to just try my luck. “Hyungwon, open your mouth again. I found some stuff. I found it, so be a good boy and take it. It's medicine.” I opened the vial and poured some of the liquid into the water itself, hoping it might go in through the cuts and wounds he had on his body. I mean, why not?

I then forced three drops of the liquid into his mouth and waited for another couple of minutes but I still couldn't feel his heartbeat get stronger, if not weaker. The now blue-purplish water remained unmoved, only my tears ruffling the surface every now and then as I kept shouting at him. _Maybe if I had remembered this vial earlier, maybe...maybe..._

Were his lips blue from the liquid or was it because the water had grown too cold? In any case I boiled more, added it to the blueish mixture and spilled even more hot and salty tears. “You wrote it yourself”, I sobbed, having given up on wiping the tears and snot long ago. So what if I was ugly sobbing, nobody was there to care anyway.

“You wanted to walk together. You said I was your drug. You said I was!” I kicked the bathtub only to hiss a second later, holding my foot in pain. “But what do you think how I got out of my addiction, huh? I tried before but it never worked! And then you appeared and suddenly...s-suddenly nothing else m-mattered anymore and there was only you and now...”

I sat down on the edge of the bathtub, glancing at the vial in my hand, then at Hyungwon's pale thin frame and back at the vial again. “It was our beginning, this blue stuff. Why does it have to be our end as well?” I leaned towards his face, supporting my body with one arm while the other unstopped the vial once more. _Let's walk together, you and I._ _Always._

I sighed with the last tear rolling down my cheek. “If it's your end I also want it to be mine. You said you'd kill yourself if I left, what makes you think you have the right to leave first? Such an uncool asshole, really.” I let out a huff and looked at the last few drops of Delphinium behind the glass. “I love you, Chae Hyungwon. All of you.”

Then I downed all of the remaining drugs. The last thing I did before the chemicals hit my system was press my lips to Hyungwon's as my arm stopped supporting me, my body sinking into the bathtub right next to him.

_Right where I want to be_ .

Right where I would always want to be.

The last thing I heard was someone shouting from the outside. Desperate and breathless. I didn't have time or strength to reply. The taste of blue bitterness filled me up and I closed my eyes with a sigh.

The last thing I saw was Hyungwon's peaceful face.

The last thing I felt was his hand welcoming mine, warmly holding onto it.

There was no time to think about these things.

And that's where the filmstrip starts burning and everything stops.

This is where Lee Minhyuk was no longer the same.

 

________________

 

Two people lying on hospital beds, different rooms, same building.

Two people dreaming, or not, as the machines beep and bleep.

Missed out on snow.

Missed out on love.

One wakes up, their story a colorful tragedy.

One wakes up, their story a blank canvas.

Fate must hate them, starving their poor souls.

Fortune is cruel, letting them die of thirst.

And yet they are alive.

And yet this is not their end.

Two people lying on hospital beds, different rooms, same building.

Two people, one dream, one wish, one goal.

It is not the end until you reach it.

 

And this wouldn't be theirs.

 

________________

 

Darkness. A very long darkness. I didn't know how long, but it was definitely too long for it to be just sleep. It was thick darkness for who knows how long. And then, suddenly...

“Look, I told you he moved!” _That voice._ It was weirdly distorted, like I was underwater, but-

“Get the patient out of this room, too much commotion is not good.” _Not that one._

“No, I want to stay to-” _Yes, that one. It sounds like sunshine. It sounds like-_

“Mister Lee, this way please. You must understand that you can't stay or Mister Chae could get a shock from the sudden noise.”

“But he _is_ waking up, right? He is?” _It can't be._

“Yes, let me explain you how this works over a cup of coffee and-” The voice disappeared and the sound of a door could be heard.

Weird beeps came from everywhere at once, flooding my ears now that the voices were gone and I tried to open my eyes but they were so heavy. “Yoo, stop crying and get out, you can't handle this. Get me Byun instead, will you?”

“I-I...Y-yes”, came the choked response, the voice sounding familiar though distorted as well. It wasn't the same kind of familiar as before.

Again the door opened and closed, the harsh voice that had spoken second now softer and closer. “Mister Chae? Chae Hyungwon? Please give me a sign that you can hear me. Can you open your eyes?” I wanted to shake my head but it didn't move and I wanted to laugh at myself but nothing happened. It took me several tries lasting a couple of minutes but the voice didn't lose patience, especially not after one of the machines started beeping louder and louder. Was this a hospital?

I managed to breathe in and let my vocal cords vibrate, a hum shaking my whole body.

“Chae Hyungwon, you can hear me, right?”, the voice asked again, full of hope this time.

Another hum.

“Gather your strength and try to open your eyes. I am here and I have plenty of time, so don't rush things.” _I have to rush things._ He didn't understand. I had so many questions. Why was I here? Where was I even? What had happened? That familiar voice I had heard earlier belonged to whom? I thought about possible answers while waiting for my power to return. _Mister Lee...Mister Lee..._ White hair flashed in my mind and I wanted to rip my eyes open but it was just a small twitch in reality.

_Minhyuk._

He had been there. It had to be him. There was no mistaking it, it was my little snowflake. It was my sunshine. _It was Minhyuk_. I started breathing with more force, found the will to gather more and more strength until I could open my eyes just a little, squinting into the bright white light of the room. “Min-” Was that my voice?

“Chae Hyungwon!”, the previous voice shouted again and some dark silhouette covered the light, making it easier for me to open my eyes. “You are doing good, just a little bit more. Welcome back, you-”

“Min-” I repeated, followed by a sigh to simulate an 'h' sound but it didn't work well, so I changed the position of the heavy tongue in my mouth. “Lee.”

“Mister Lee is outside waiting for you to recover.” Minutes of gathering strength to open my eyes. To open my mouth. To speak.

“Want to...see...Lee.”

“Mister Chae, you should focus on recovering first. You should know that-”

“No”, I groaned with twitching fingers, slightly furrowing my brows in annoyance. “Now.”

The doctor sighed, contemplating his choices for a while before finally giving in. “I'll go get him. Try to stay awake.”

Endless minutes of beeping and breathing later, the door opened again and I took a deep breath to turn my head only to blink in confusion. Where was the white hair? There was just a dark blotch in my field of vision and I squinted to regain my focus, the person quickly stepping closer and falling to his knees beside the bed. “Hyungwon! You're Hyungwon, right?”

_Sunshine._ His features were just like I remembered them but the white hair had been replaced by strands of a dark brown. It made him look thinner. Or had he lost weight? How long had I been knocked out anyway? “Minhyuk”, I whispered, feeling like crying. “I missed you.”

“Oh, so you _do_ remember me!”, he shouted out with joy, turning back to glance at the doctor who was standing not too far away. “He said he remembers me!” The doctor watched with an uncertain expression but instead of replying he just nodded sending me a careful glance when Minhyuk already turned around again. “But...what exactly do you remember?”

I closed my eyes for a moment to think but opened them again to keep looking at my little sunshine. I remembered him carrying me. Remembered him screaming at me but keeping my eyes open had been so hard back then. Too hard. I remembered everything before that though. How we had gone back to get Changkyun. How we had gone to the offensive force to help Wonho. How we had revisited the house of Monsta X. How we had kissed. How he broke down when he had stopped taking drugs. Everything was still there. Not a single memory wasted.

“I remember all the days we spent together. The good. The bad. The day I told you about me. The day I went to the radio tower. The day Yi-en was shot by-” I trailed off and closed my eyes again unable to look at him. Yi-en. After all we had gone through I was still thinking about that guy. I couldn't help it, I was just-

“Who is Yi-en?”

_...What?_ I looked at him who was staring back at me with the same confusion. “Who is- are you serious?”

Minhyuk's eyes started shaking a little and his happy smile received a crack turning dark when the doctor interfered. “That's enough for now, Mister Lee. Go talk to Mister Shin for a while, will you? I'm sure he'll want to talk to you, he came all the way here again.” The now dark-haired guy didn't have much of a choice when he was dragged out of the room in silence and the doctor came back with a nurse while clenching his teeth. “Mister Chae, you know, there is a slight problem with Mister Lee's memories. I wanted to tell you before but I thought, well, you know-”

“He doesn't remember Yi-en”, I interrupted in disbelief. “How can he not remember him?”

The doctor licked his lips and scratched the back of his neck. “After Lee Minhyuk woke up, he didn't know what was going on or where-”

“Woke up? From what? How long was I gone? What day of the week is it and-”

 

The doctor listened to all of my questions and answered them as patiently as possible.

How Yoo had found us in a broken house. I found out Yoo was no other than Kihyun. After Changkyun had reached the base all of Monsta X had left to go and find Minhyuk and me and Kihyun was the one to find us. Passed out in a bathtub full of blueish liquid, the color of which I could only imagine too well. Still, I don't know how we ended up there, nobody does. Especially not Minhyuk.

Minhyuk lost his memories. The doctor thought it was because of the drugs as Kihyun had told him about them. Since Minhyuk was usually one to suppress his memories with drugs an overdose caused his brain to actually erase them. At least after three weeks of therapy there was still not a single sign of him remembering anything. It was all back to square one, right before he witnessed his mother's death. He now thinks she died in an accident (of undisclosed nature). Shownu and Jooheon aside, he didn't remember any of the other guys either as though Monsta X had never existed.

Here comes the weird part: He remembered my name. He woke up asking for me. Wanting to see me. But he didn't know why or who I had been to him. “I just have to see him!”, he had insisted until they had to give in. They believed I could be the key to regaining his memories but whenever somebody brought something up he didn't remember he would fall into a state of shock. The barriers in his mind were too strong. Or maybe there really was no memory left, nobody could tell.

The day I woke up was two months after they had found us in that bathtub. They said while Minhyuk's body functions had been blocked by the drugs in the water, my body had tried to keep going with them, used them as fuel. Delphinium kept me alive long enough to be saved. It was a miracle, they had never seen anything like that flower, anything as unpredictable.

And that was where we were standing. I was told to rest and just the bit of talking I had done had actually made me tired to the extend that the doctor didn't have to tell me twice.

 

The next time I woke up, I managed to move more though very clumsily. I managed to push the button on the side of my bed to make the mattress change positions so I was sitting. I got Minhyuk to my room again and spent ten minutes just staring at him, sometimes smiling sometimes almost crying. It was too much to handle. This familiar face, this person, my everything – didn't remember a thing about me but my name.

I didn't try talking to him about us, scared that the nurses or doctors might take him away from me again. So I just listened to him talking about his daily routine. Getting up, doing exercises, having lunch with whoever came to visit him that day, talking to a nice doctor, taking a walk with whoever was second to visit him, dinner, bed.

“So, what if nobody comes to visit you?”, I asked curiously and he pursed his lips.

“Until now I waited for you to wake up or followed Kihyun around the hospital.”

“Kihyun spends a lot of time here?”

Minhyuk laughed like he still remembered everything. Or like a teen that has never seen any bad things. Pure. “He works here, silly. I follow him whenever he's on duty. But not to the restricted areas. Have gone there before though I wasn't allowed to. The patients looked gross.”

“Take a step back. Kihyun works here?”

“How do you know him in the first place, you were asleep all this time? But yeah, he does. I told you.”

I watched as a random nurse brought in a tray with a bunch of small disgusting-looking bowls of what they called food and searched her gaze to get her attention.

“Can you get Kihyun here? Y-Yoo Kihyun? Is he on duty?”

She smiled with something like relief on his face. “He wanted to come here but didn't know if you remembered so he stayed away. I'll go get him, give me fifteen minutes.”

It took only ten for the door to open again and a man in white clothes stepped in with his hair pushed back so that it wouldn't fall into his face while working. I had to look twice, scanning him up and down and back up again. “Hyungwon, for fuck's sake”, he just muttered before throwing himself into my arms and I couldn't find anything better to say than:

“Where are your crutches?”

“Withdrawal”, he mumbled against my shoulder and it sounded like he was close to tears. “The drug blocked the nerves of my leg. It's a nerve poison to me. Withdrawal made it dissolve slowly and now I'm...I'm back. Took me long enough to start walking properly again.”

“You should have done that sooner instead of making Changkyun do all the work”, I mumbled dryly and he huffed in disbelief.

“He deserved it though.”

“Maybe.”

“Glad you're awake, Hyungwon.”

“Could you please separate, I don't like seeing you this close, Hyungwon should be uncomfortable.” I loosened my hold on Kihyun and glanced at Minhyuk who had his eyebrow raised at the two of us. “I wanted to talk to Hyungwon by myself and now Kihyun is here. What a letdown.”

“Excuse my existence.”

“I'll think about it if you take two steps back.” Minhyuk's slender white fingers curled around my thin wrist. “I missed him the most.”

“You don't even remember that you two were- I mean, you don't remember anything”, Kihyun shot back with a pout and Minhyuk's eyes widened before he glared at the brown-haired guy in the corner of the room.

“Do you know what it's like to wake up and remember a name and not knowing why? And then you're told you forgot about six years of your life but you have that one name you hold on to? Do you know?” He intertwined our fingers and an amazed expression appeared on his face. “This. This feels so weirdly familiar, I just...I just know this is why I'm trying so hard to remember something, anything. You wouldn't know. Wouldn't understand.”

Kihyun lowered his eyes to the ground in defeat. “You're right, I wouldn't know. But I missed him as well. Just like I missed you, Minhyuk. I...I'm gonna try to contact the others. Keep...keep talking. I'm glad you're good, Hyungwon.”

“I missed you too, Kihyun”, I replied with an apologetic smile but he just waved it off with a sigh before leaving the two of us alone again. Me and my boyfriend who didn't know he was my boyfriend. Me and my one true love who only knew my name. Me and my broken drug. “I wonder if I can fix you”, I whispered quietly and he tightened his hold on my hand.

“I don't know. But if-”

“No, wait, it doesn't matter”, I managed to say through clenched teeth, reaching out to run a hand through his hair. He looked a bit weirded out, yet curious and relaxed. He didn't know why I was doing what I was doing.

“It doesn't?”

“I'll just...I'll start anew. We'll get closer again and I'll make sure you- uh...” _Make sure you'll fall for me again._ He didn't even know we had been _friends_ before, how would he deal with knowing he had had a boyfriend? Did he even remember being gay in the first place? This was so confusing. “Let's start over”, I repeated with a nod and a smile. “Who has to remember the past anyway?”

“There was a book with many names people asked me about. Don't people write books to remember things?”

_The book._ “It's my book. I wrote it when I thought the past was important.”

“So...it's not important anymore?”

I shook my head with a smile, closing my eyes in resignation. “I don't care about it.”

“B-but you said you loved me!”, he suddenly blurted out. My fingers tensed even more while he looked at me with an understanding glint. “So it was true?”

“You read...you read that?”

“It said to read until the very end. But I can't remember anything like that happened. You didn't...lie or anything?”

“How would I lie when writing? That book was something no one but me was ever supposed to read.” _So now he knows._ Finally, Minhyuk averted his piercing eyes and I pressed my lips together for a while.

I was ready for several questions but could only stare at him in shock when he asked: “Did I like you back?”

“If you- I...uh...” I swallowed hard, suddenly feeling a lump in my throat. All those happy times in between dark and cloudy days. Gone. He really didn't remember a thing. How could I push a relationship on him if he didn't know anything about me? About us? I clenched my teeth again and fought back the tears in my eyes. “Maybe. Do you think you did?”

“Don't know”, he retorted with a shrug. “It's hard to judge it from the few minutes I talked to you now. I'm...I'm really sorry, I just- When I try to remember anything, I-”

I just nodded in understanding stroking my thumb over the back of his hand. “It's fine. Would you like to try getting closer again, then? Maybe it will help you decide.” _As long as you don't leave I'll be fine._

Minhyuk smiled a little, just a little and his eyes filled with warmth. “I think I would like that.”

A sigh escaped my lips and I couldn't help grinning back in relief. _I would like that._ He didn't look creeped out anymore, just curious and a little bit confused, maybe. He was giving me another chance. Like we were both given one. It would be hard suppressing all the things I had felt, the things I had said and thought, but when has it ever been easy in life anyway?

I freed my hand from his grasp only to offer it to him as a handshake.

“Hello. M-my name is Chae Hyungwon and I've got a lot to talk to you about.”

Minhyuk took it without hesitation, scooting closer until he could hook his chin on my shoulder like it belonged there. Like he remembered.

“Hi. They call me Lee Minhyuk. And I'll be happy to listen to each and every word.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There we go! The end of Delphinium is yet another cliff-hanger.  
> I've been trying to think of spin-offs/post-story one shots for the past couple of months but I still didn't have the motivation to write them down so please be patient and don't unsubscribe because there might still be more side stories coming <3  
> Thank you for reading!! Leave Kudos or Comments if you will~  
> Follow me on my art twitter and/or Tumblr! (both is @JesterFesta)
> 
> Jester out :*


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